01x09 - Squirrels. Part II.

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

Hello. I'm John Lovitz.

Jealous?

And this, of course, is my dog, Jerry Bruckheimer III, named after my friend Jerry Bruckheimer, the producer.

In the last episode of "Animals" we followed Phil, Mike, and April, three young squirrels embarking on a treacherous journey to escape their overturned tree.

Roll the montage!

Previously on "Animals":

So, here's the deal. I gotta go to work.

I am going to leave Mike in charge.

Yes!

What are you talking about?

Mom said that in the rare case of an emergency, we should go to Mrs. Garducci's apartment for help.

Aah!

Aah!

I'm April. I live two floors above.

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

That's Dennis, he's a bully.

My parents d*ed in the fall, so I don't have to answer to anybody.

Let's get 'em, guys!

Easy, easy.

Easy, guys.

Lay a claw on us, and I'll slice your cheeks.

Wait a minute. You're singer-songwriter Kurt Vile.

In the fur, man.

Look, man, Mom put me in charge.

Yeah, well Mom's not here, Mike!

And who knows if we'll ever see her again?

Get your freaking paws off me!

The spirit is watching over us and will seek repentance.

Beware to those who wander!

Muahahahaha!

Aaaaaahahahaha!

Wowee!

This show is nuts!

Ha! Pun intended.

Who the f*ck are you?!

Oh, Kurt Vile. I played a song in the last episode.

Now I'm just waiting for my ride.

(strums guitar)

Oh, please, continue.

Jesus Christ!

You trying to give me a heart att*ck?

Cut your hair!

You're scaring Jerry.

And now, without further ado, the thrilling conclusion of...

"Squirrels!"

(strumming off-key)

Do you know "Hot Cross Buns"?

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

(whimpers, gulps)

(gulping)

Quit that!

Aah!

What are you doing in my hallway?

I'm sorry, I don't... I'm scared.

Oh, stop. I'm not gonna bite you.

It's not like you're a nut.

Hahahaha!

Yeah, but... But how do I know you're not a nut?

Well, do you know what a nut looks like?

Yes, I know.

Do I look like a pecan to you?

No, sir.

Well, do I look like an almond to you?

No, sir, neither.

Well, do I look like a... uh...

Like a pistachio?

All right, I think I made my point.

You can stop it now.

Okay.

Come inside.

Whoa, cool stuff you got in here, mister.

I like all your weird spooky paintings.

That's my favorite genre.

Well, thank you. I appreciate that.

I painted them myself.

You painted them yourself?

Cool! I like to draw too.

You know, you sound a lot like me when I was your age.

Heh. Really?

Yeah, high little voice. People thought I was a fairy.

I bet you get bullied a lot, don't you?

I mean, yes.

It's actually quite regular.

You know, people tended to push me away on account of my milky eyes.

Your eyes are so milky.

And crazy laugh.

What crazy laugh?

Hahahahahaha!

(shudders) There it is.

Aaaaahahahah!

Oh, God. Jesus.

It's so funny. It's not even scary at all.

Well, it's nice to meet a new face around here.

People don't visit me much.

Oh.

Anyway, I'm Ben.

Most people call me "Old Ben."

Hello, Old Ben.

Hello.

My name is Phil.

Well, my name's Ben.

But most of the people around here call me "Old Ben."

Okay.

"Ben" there, done that.

Hahahaha!

Yeah... (nervous laughter)

Aaaahahahahah!

Oh, sh*t!

It comes in waves.

Is that what you use to doodle?

Oh, this... Yeah, it's my number two.

It's pretty good.

May I see that?

Please?

Oh, uh, yeah, sure. Here you go.

You're a friend at this point, I don't see why not.

Seems like there's no downsides to it, really, or anything...

What the f*ck, Old Ben?! I thought we were cool, man?

Hold that thought.

Okay.

I mean, I'm kind of f*cking fuming.

My only pencil and the rest of 'em are crushed in my g*dd*mn apartment.

Here you are, my friend.

Whoa!

And with this pen, I knight thee Phil the Fairy.

Uh...

And always remember this.

The pen is mightier than the swwword.

Whoa, you pronounce the "W" and everything.

Thanks, Mr. Old Ben, this is awesome.

Enjoy it in good health.

You know, at first I thought you were like, super scary, but you're actually, like, a really sweet guy...

(coughing violently)

Oh.

Hahahahaha.

Oh, no.

Aaaahahahahaha!

So funny.

Not even scary at all dude, totally fine.

♪ ♪

Phil is such a baby, and he thinks he's so smart.

But I'm the older one, so scientifically I'm smarter, and he doesn't get that.

Mike, I really think you just need to be more open.

That's actually what a good leader does.

And also, just like a good brother.

First off, I'm a very good brother.

Secondly, don't tell me how to be a leader, okay?

You're from Long Island.

You guys don't even have a president.

What do you have, a prime minister? Eww.

You know what, Mike? You're the baby, and if it wasn't for me, you'd still be sucking your thumb in Mrs. Garducci's apartment.

I'm gonna go find Phil.

You're gonna keep going by yourself, huh?

Without a leader? Yeah, okay.

Good luck!

(wind howling)

April, I'm gonna be honest, I'm worried about you.

This place is dangerous and scary.

April?

Huh.

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

(whimpering)

(loud grumbling)

(grunts) Aah!

Aah!

(screams)

Aah!

(screams, sobs)

(mutters)

(screaming)

Come on, come on.

Drop the food, move along!

Pathetic. Peasant. Idiot.

I hate you. I hate you.

You need to lose weight.

Okay. Got it.

Stop.

(gasps)

Linda?!

Oh, f*ck. Oh, God. Please don't k*ll me, Your Highness.

Oh, f*ck.

Linda Zebracowski?

From Green Ridge Middle School?

Uh, yeah.

Are you sh1tting me? It's me!

It's Rachel! Rach Rach?

Well, the queen now, but you already knew that.

But God, I have not seen you in ages.

You look tired, but you look really good.

(chuckles nervously) Yeah.

What do you say, let's get some coffee and catch up?

I...

Guards!

Table! Two Chairs! Coffee!

You heard the queen! Two flankers, one in the middle, now!

Go, go, go, go!

Now!

(groaning)

Linda, sit down.

I'm so sorry.

Are you kidding me? This is an absolute honor.

My grandchildren will hear of this.

Now look at the queen, you ungrateful wench.

Oh, my God, this is so great.

As queen, I never get to just talk to people.

You know, how do we do this even?

Uh, well...

So, how have you been?

Good.

This is really fun, Linda.

(laughing) Okay, keep going. What's next?

Um, being the ruler of our colony must be pretty cool?

Oh, it's the best.

But, I'll be honest, sometimes I wonder if I take the whole "having unlimited, entirely unchecked power" thing too far.

What do you mean?

Well, like yesterday, I forced a servant to rip off his own arm and then do jump rope with it.

That came out of my head, like, I thought of that.

Is that weird?

No. That sounds very, very funny.

It was actually hilarious, Linda.

Can I tell you one more thing?

The other day I made a mom and a son ant kiss, like, not like tongue or anything, at first, and it wasn't sexual, at first.

But I did make them kiss for a really long time 'cause I thought it would just be a weird, funny thing to do.

And it was, Linda. It was really funny.

(laughing) Oh, haha.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. I love jokes like that.

But enough about me. What's your life like, Linda Zebracowski?

Well, it's certainly nothing like yours.

Well...

It's pretty normal.

Uh, carrying pieces of dirt in a single file line is what I specialize in, since that's what we all are forced to do.

Of course, yeah.

But, uh, in the few minutes of downtime I have, I enjoy reading and meeting with some friends for book club.

Oh my God, see, that's what I need!

Some boring-ass lame sh*t like a book club!

Regular, average ants expressing their views on something they feel passionately about.

Yeah...

Linda, I have an idea.

God, help me.

How about you take me to your book club?

Um...

No one will know I'm queen.

I'll just be your regular old friend.

I'll wear a scarf or something.

Come on, you can't say no.

I...

Well, you actually cannot say no, so.

Of course you can come.

Yay! Thank you, Linda!

Besties for life!

Get in here, girl.

Oh, I'm here.

Okay. I'm here.

(groaning)

Oh! I'm so sorry!

f*ck me, just k*ll me!

k*ll him!

He deserves to die.

(crying)

♪ ♪

I don't even care about April leaving, because I'm the leader, so they're the ones who are in trouble.

Oh, it is pretty dark in here, though.

Well, well, well.

Look who doesn't have his little tomboy to protect him.

No, Dennis, come on, man.

Let's get him.

Oh, God.

Look, guys, I'm sorry.

Get him, dude, yeah!

Guys, no, please don't r*pe me!

Whoa. What?

Excuse you.

Jesus, man!

Uh, we're not gonna r*pe you.

We're just gonna, like, rough you up and take your stuff.

Why would you say that?

Uh, I was... I was watching a lot of TV, so that's...

Shouldn't even joke about that.

Totally, no, I know.

Who do you think we are?

Well, I mean you, I...

'Cause I'm 29, that makes me a... I didn't say that.

29?

26.

What'd I say earlier?

22.

I'm a little older than you guys.

All right, guys, hold him down.

Yeah!

No, no, ugh!

(groaning)

That's for being insensitive.

Think before you speak.

(retches and coughs)

Phil, where are you?

Hmm.

I see the appeal of watercolors, but for the most part, I think it's just like, a little tacky.

It doesn't come out good. It look...

You know what it is, Ben? It looks easy. Like...

Phil, who are you talking to?

Oh, hey, April.

This is my friend, Old B...

What?

The spirit's been trapped in the bark of this tree for generations and has finally been released.

He's finally free.

(chuckles)

(urinating)

(hacking cough)

(hawks, spits)

Old Ben: Be out in a minute!

Oh, gross.

So, is that Old Ben?

Yeah, that's Old Ben.

I think he ran off to the bathroom for a second.

Um...

(Old Ben groaning)

Do you want anything?

Are you thirsty?

No, I'm good.

Cool.

(urinating continues)

He's really going.

Should we just, um...

Do you wanna go? Yeah, okay.

Yeah, let's leave. Let's go.

(hawks, spits)

♪ ♪
♪ Condemned ♪
♪ Forever crawling ♪
♪ I'm crawling on ♪
♪ The ground for good ♪
♪ This work I do detest ♪
♪ But I serve my purpose ♪

Oh, where are you going?

I'm going this way.

Okay, great, see you.

(soft background music)

Uh, guys, I'd like to introduce you to the newest member of our book club.

Um, this is...

(faking accent) My name is The Quee... erin.

My name is Querin.

Welcome Que... Querin.

I didn't know we were taking new members, but great.

Just one.

I am very poor, much like all of you.

I live in a tiny shack, much like this sh*thole here, and I only have two servants, if you can believe it.

(whispering) No. Uh-uh. No servants.

Ha! Joke!

I have no servants because I am a poor nothing like all of you.

So, Querin, what do you like to do?

Well...

Does anybody even have time to do anything?

Yeah. Aside from slaving away under you-know-who.

Amen to that, sister.

Okay, so, let's maybe just get into the book?

Who is you-know-who?

Uh, the queen.

Ugh. Sorry, I said it.

Oh, my God.

You guys are meaning to say, you're unhappy with the queen?

You would not believe what that twisted bitch did the other day.

She pulled my mom and my little brother out of line and made them kiss for 20 minutes in front of everybody.

Sounds funny.

She thinks she's better than everybody.

She really does.

And, Querin, you won't believe this, but Linda went to middle school with the queen.

That is, before she became the royal c**t that she is.

(laughing)

(clears throat)

Linda, do you have something to add?

Uh...

Yeah, Linda.

You're being awfully quiet.

Normally, you're the one leading the charge when we trash the queen.

Yeah, seriously.

Okay guys, book club is done. Goodbye.

You, too, Linda?

Wait, what?

What?

Did you not read the book?

You hate me, too?

What?

No, it's not like that. It's just...

Wait, what do you mean, "me"?

(gasps) The queen!

Oh!

Oh my God! Oh my God!

What, I just thought she was wearing a really big backpack!

(apologizing hysterically)

No, I'm not...

I didn't mean any of that.

You can k*ll me before I k*ll myself.

(sighs)

(sobbing)

I'm not gonna k*ll you.

I mean, I knew people didn't like me, but I didn't know people hated me.

It's not easy being me.

I mean, there's 3.2 million ants in this colony, and they all turn to me.

For every problem, for every question, for everything.

And after a while, I just didn't have the time to be nice.

It would be impossible to get anything done.

I guess it was dumb for me to come here.

I figured having some friends might make things a little easier.

Wait.

Querin... Queen, please.

We'd be happy if you'd join us.

Right, guys?

Yeah, we've been looking for a fourth for book club.

This will be nice.

Really?

All: Yeah.

All right! Okay, wow!

Yes, yes! I am gonna be here all the time!

You're, like, never not gonna see me.

You're gonna see me and be like, "I just saw you."

Hahaha! Oh my God, we're having the best time.

(laughing)

Why aren't you guys laughing?

(all laughing)

Oh my God, you guys really are my best friends.

Do you like to jump rope, sweetie?

Yeah, I love to jump rope.

Linda: No, no you don't.

♪ ♪

Hey, Kurt.

Why don't the mouths move?

They don't have to, man. Not everything needs to be spoon fed.

Just enjoy it for what it is.

No, no, I don't buy it.

(whispering) It's the money.

Hello again.

I'm Jon Lovitz, here with Jerry, named after Jerry Bruckheimer, the producer, who won't put me in any of his films, good buddy, and Kurt Vile.

'Sup?

When last we left our squirrels, they were balls deep in quite the quagmire.

Will Phil and April reunite with Mike?

Will Mike escape the clutches of Dennis and his g*ng?

Will any of them make it out of the tree alive?

Does anyone care?!

Kurt! What say you?

No, I'm in Jon Lovitz's house.

I don't know.

Jon, where are we?

What state are we in?

Hahaha. Aaahahahahaha!

I'll never tell.

And now, the final chapter of...

"Squirrels"!

Ack!

♪ ♪

He's actually a really chill dude for the most part.

He gave me this f*cking sweet pen.

Oh, look ahead.

Dennis and the bullies have Mike.

Go kick his ass like you did bef...

I will kick his ass. You stay here.

Okay, thank you, Mom.

I'm sorry, April.

I'm sorry, I just get confused.

You're a powerful woman.

Shh.

Not so fast!

Get your paws off me!

I'll save you, April...

Whoa!

Get off me!

Look what I found.

No!

Dennis, catch!

Oh, nice.

Rrr. ugh.

April, listen, I'm sorry about before.

You're way more of a leader than I could ever be.

And I know this isn't the time or place, but I think girl squirrels should get paid the same as guy squirrels.

Ugh, no, stop it.

I mean, that's just my opinion.

That's just the kind of guy I am.

No.

I think they call this the moment of truth.

What are you gonna do, little man?

Huh? Huh?

Old Ben's voice: The pen is mightier than the swwword!

(grunting)

Um, dude, what are you doing?

Hey.

Should I kick him?

Ahem. here.

I drew this for you.

It's a memorial for your parents who passed away.

I figured, I don't know, maybe you don't have anything to remember them by, and you probably lost all your photos when the tree fell over.

And maybe, just maybe, seeing this photo of them will give you peace in the days to come.

Yeah, right.

(voice breaking) This is, like, so poorly drawn.

It doesn't even...

(sobbing)

I thought it'd be a nice thing to do.

There you go.

It's really hitting him now, I think.

Yeah. (crying)

Jesus. Okay, he's full on crying at this point.

Nice going, dude, with the picture.

I'm sorry.

You know what, Dennis, process it, dude.

This is good, man.

(sighs)

You.

You, little dude.

You are a brave and beautiful soul.

Thank you for this gift that I will cherish forever.

Thank you, Dennis.

You guys go free.

We're gonna stay here and keep an e ye on the old tree for as long as she lasts.

Plus, we're gonna ding-dong-ditch Mrs. Garducci's place.

She doesn't even know what's coming to her, right?

Ha! I love that.

Dennis is back!

(laughing)

Actually, man, you might wanna probably avoid...

Don't. Just let them go.

Oh, right, right, right, right.

Look, there's the exit!

I see sunlight, we're gonna get out!

That's the roof opening. Come on, let's go.

We made it.

We did it.

Uh, Phil.

Hey, what's up? You're sort of, like, stopping the momentum.

Before we go out there, I just have something to say.

Okay.

Things are gonna be different from now on.

You're not my baby brother.

You're my brother.

My equal.

And I'm sorry for not seeing that before.

I don't know what to say.

You don't have to say anything...

Dear Mike, you're my big bro...

Okay.

A bond that will tie us together for a lifetime.

Webster's dictionary defines bro as "an abbreviation or informal use of brother.

Please see brother for full definition.

Webster's defines brother as..."

Okay, maybe just get to it, just 'cause we're kind of running out of time.

Okay. Sorry, sorry.

All in all, I'll always look up to you and turn to you to teach me stuff.

Maybe you can start with how to ask out a girl?

Come on, what are you waiting for?

Go get 'em, tiger.

(no audible dialogue)

Ahem, how's it going over there, you love squirrels?

So, do I hear wedding bells?

She said no.

What?

She said no?

Yes, dude, she said no.

Okay? It's not gonna happen.

Wow, dude.

I'm surprised, to be honest with you.

'Cause I saw the chemistry between you guys.

That's exactly what I was saying.

I thought the whole time was like...

You want me to go talk to her?

You don't need to go talk to her. No. I'm gonna go over there.

I'm going. Just give me a sec.

Give me a second.

Mike, it's not gonna work out. I get what she's saying.

She's really busy.

She's not looking for anything substantial right now, at least from you specifically.

We're just gonna keep going though, come on.

We can all be friends.

Don't make it weird.

Dad!

(applause)

Phil: Mommy!

Oh, my God!

Mom!

You're okay!

I thought I lost you.

Mom, I don't want to be left alone in the apartment again.

I will never leave you alone ever again.

Mom, I don't want to say this was all Mike's fault, but if you notice, What the f*ck, dude?

It's not my fault. you put him in charge, and the tree fell over.

He just cursed, too.

Phil, are you tattling?

I think that was the definition of a tattle.

All right, you know what, from here on out, Mrs. Garducci's gonna watch you guys.

That's...

That's fine.

That works.

We can work with that.

I can work with that.

From the looks of what we have here, we're just hoping to excavate any remaining survivors.

Excuse me, sir, sorry to interrupt.

Um, maybe this will help?

What is it? Is this a map of the tree?

Yeah. Just roughly drew some of my surroundings and where the remaining survivors are.

So, that's singer-songwriter Kurt Vile, and that's Dennis and his g*ng, and that's Old Ben.

Oh, and that's that old psychic lady who's like, kinda spooky, but also kinda cool.

And now you can probably find them all pretty easy.

Oh, and you wanna avoid that or else you'll get termites.

This is fantastic. I mean, this is gonna help us save other lives, it's gonna save firefighters' lives, and time, which is gonna save taxpayer money.

The initiative it took to do something like this.

God, we got a little leader right here.

This is great.

If I had some sort of medal...

What about your hat?

Well...

What about your big firefighter hat?

Can I have it?

Okay.

Well, I'll let you put in on for a second.

On TV?

This firefighters' giving me his hat, everybody.

Thank you, sir.

Not gonna... I can't give it to you because I do need it.

It's really heavy.

Is this super cute?

Look at this. It is so cute.

If we lose our hat, it's like 100 bucks.

I'll just keep it.

It's fun.

Old Ben: Phil was stabbed trying to break up a robbery in a McDonald's dumpster.

Mike and April got married and had three kids.

They named the firstborn Phil.

He likes to draw, just like his uncle.

And Dennis and the g*ng eventually straightened out, opened up a home for wayward boys.

And as for Old Ben, well...

Excuse me, who are you?

Hmm? What?

Oh, you heard...

Yeah, what...

Heard me talking to myself?

What was that?

I was just pretending, you know, what would happen in the future to everybody, and then narrating it like a movie.

Why'd I have to die, Old Ben?

I thought we were friends, man?

It's just my imagination.

Phil, how do you know this guy?

This is Old Ben. He like, found me when we were walking around and then we hung out in his apartment for a while.

What?! You had my child in your apartment?

He was outside my place lost.

It was me and him by himself.

He could have done anything to me.

He came into my... What are you, nuts?

He broke my pencil, Mom.

He snapped it in two.

Yeah, that's true.

And then I gave him a new pen.

You little sh*t. Did you tell your mother that?

You stay away from my kids.

Keep your kid away from me.

Maybe you should be arrested for child abandonment?

Where were you tonight, madam?

In a bar, getting drunk like a whore, whoring around in a bar?

(hawks, spits)

I'll f*cking rip your head off!

(piano playing simple melody)