02x07 - The Sand Situation

[bunniefuu]

Yes. No, I'm on my way, I'm just getting the bagels.

There you go.

Oh, thanks. Keep it.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Brett: Alex, we should push this stuff against the wall.

We've gotta make room for all the other stuff coming in, okay?

Hey.

Brett: Okay. Good.

What's up?

Um...

What is all this?

What are you talking about? This is Dune.

You said one car full.

Technically, it is. It's just one U-Haul.

It's just temporary, until we get a permanent space.

Can you just move all this stuff into that room back there?

That has, like, a missing part of the roof? This stuff is not waterproof.

This is papier-mâché. I have to, like...

(sighs) Fine. Okay, fine. Jesus.

Stupid-ass Dune.

I heard that, by the way.

So, don't be surprised or alarmed if Anna Booth-Meyers gets in touch with you.

If and when she does, my advice would be to just ignore her calls.

Not to get too much into the gory details, but Anna wants to make this a full-on private school.

Now, technically, she doesn't have the authority or the power to do that.

That's actually not true at all, Michelle.

Oh, God.

La Petit Village is a dual immersion French charter school that is 100 percent completely funded.

All we need is just an official vote to reassign the charter into my name.

The board is gonna vote this Saturday. It's very exciting.

Okay, what is going on here?

Is that true?

My school is based on French language arts.

Singapore Math. Montessori approaches.

How about you, Michelle? Would you like to talk to us about your school?

Do you even have a curriculum?

Okay, Anna, that was your department.

It was my department because you couldn't handle it.

No, because I was delegating, because I was trying to... take care of the 19,000 other things that also needed my attention.

Do you or do you not have a curriculum for your school?

We've had... we've had...

Anna: Exactly. Thank you. Good luck.

Okay, moving on, I am working very closely with Professor Watsey at Occidental College.

He is the head of the French literature department.

On top of that...

Actually... if you will turn your attention towards the loading dock, where you will see the first installation of our arts and humanities-based curriculum.

Anna: I'm sorry? Mm-hm.

Mr. Pierson? Mr. Pappas?

Can you come in and just say hi to everyone?

Yeah...

Just...

So Mr. Pierson has an MFA from CalArts.

And Mr. Pappas has over 20 years of experience with... all different types of puppets.

Puppets?

Puppets.

Puppets.

Yeah.

Uh... would you gentlemen mind telling us what you have prepared for our school?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Um...

Michelle: Great.

I will allow...

Please. Yes, please. myself to go first.

Yeah. Um... (clears throat) So, essentially, what we believe is that the performing arts engages all the senses in... a way that educates the entire being...

That's right. We believe that the renaissance child is the child of the future.

Alex: We can have, uh, scholars, artists, and happy children... all at the same time.

Three for one.

Is that helmet papier-mâché?

This helmet is papier-mâché.

That's an excellent... observation question.

Yeah, and if you're interested in... in looking into it a little further, there's a whole room full of this puppet stuff.

So, everybody come up and feel free to ask questions.

Yeah! Yep. Come on up. Come on up. We're having a little show and tell.

Michelle: Yeah, come up, don't be shy.

That's right.

Come on, guys.

Alex, Brett: Yeah! Yes!

Brett: Come on up and we'll have a little show and tell of our works.

Alex: Yeah. Okay, just... so what I'm hearing is you desperately need "stupid-ass Dune" to save your school?

If she's throwing some big party to butter everyone up to vote for her, then I need something to swing the vote in my favor.

And you need this too.

If Anna wins, then we're not going to that school.

And we can't afford to go to private school.

Alex: Dude, uh...

What's up?

The best they can do is get us used sand in a few months, so...

Well, we're gonna need the sand now.

Why?

Because we're going up Saturday night.

We're not ready, and we don't have sand.

So...

We're gonna get ready, and, last time I checked, there was an annoying amount of sand at the beach.

Okay, but that sand belongs to the state of California.

What do you want, you want the stage to look like a crackhouse?

Or you want it to look like a magical, mysterious learning kingdom? To get that, we need sand.

Alex: He's right.

To get sand, we need you, we need all your charter school parents, we need as many people as we can get together.

Alex: Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

Michelle: Okay, time to load up.

Thank you, guys. Thanks.

(vehicle approaching)

Oh, Jesus. Finally.

Load up, you hooligans!

What up, BP!

I brought you my best men!

Brett!

Natalie?

Hey!

Don't leave me hanging, tiger.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Uh... this is my... this is my... my thing.

How do you know Dudley?

(laughs) Wait, who's Dudley?

Dudley Walker. Du...

Oh. Yeah, everybody knows Walker.

Michelle: Guys, let's go!

Uh... okay. f*ck!

Alex: Come on, party people! Whoo!

(lip-syncing) ♪ Where the grass is really greener ♪

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Come on now, watch the b*at! Watch the b*at!

Woman: Go, Alex! Go, Alex!

♪ Must be something in the water ♪

Alex: Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!

♪ You could travel the world ♪

Alex: Let's go, Michelle! Come on.

Oh, no.

Come on.

No, no.

Come on!

No, no! No!

You put me up here, now you're not coming with me?

All right, who else wants to go?

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ California girls We're unforgettable ♪

Alex: Oh, sh*t!

Yeah! Thank you.

She's super cute.

You're melting my Popsicle.

Whoo! Hey!

Too much?

No, it's just enough.

(rattling) Ah!

♪ We're undeniable Fine, fresh, fierce ♪
♪ We got it on lock ♪
♪ West Coast represent Now put your hands up ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ California girls We're unforgettable... ♪

Okay, thanks.

Hi! Thank you for being here. Thank you!

Thanks, guys. Oh, sorry!

(laughs)

Hi! I'm Michelle.

Hi. Natalie.

I was in the truck with you.

That's right, yes.

This is Brett.

Uh, yeah... yeah, we met.

Yes.

Michelle: Cool.

Yeah.

There's a lot of sand at the beach.

Dudley (over walkie-talkie): The perfect spot, my friend. Not a soul in sight.

Copy.

Over.

Dude, who is that Natalie girl?

Why are you asking?

'Cause she's hot.

Did you see us grinding in the truck?

That's the girl, dude. That's the girl from the Uber thing, the whole... yeah.

What?

Why did you invite her?

I... I didn't invite her!

She's friends with Dudley, dude. I'm not a f*cking idiot.

Oh, my God!

Dudley (over walkie): Brett, cop, cop, cop!

Halt all operations.

Oh, sh*t, cops!

Now, m*therf*cker, he's pulling into you right now.

Okay, uh, everybody, drop your shovels, and... and just pretend like we're, um, we're playing in the sand. We're hanging out.

Frolicking in the sand. Come on, people. Frolic!

That doesn't make any sense.

Alex, pretend you're doing a beach workout, like the one we went to that time.

Brett: He's coming. He's coming. Hurry.

Hurry up, hurry up. Go, go.

Okay! Listen up, you maggots!

Uh, give me 20 mountain climbers, right now! Hit the deck!

Uh, Alex, it has to be something that normal people can do.

Okay, uh, jumping jacks. Jumping jacks!

Here we go! Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! Okay, okay! Uh...

Uh, barrel circles!

Barrel circles!

Run around your barrel!

Yeah!

Engage your core! High knees!

Come on, here we go! Four, three, two, one!

Roger, we're in...

All right, sh*t sticks!

Let's do 20 seconds of butt kicks!

At this rate, we'll be here all night, huh?

That's not a butt kick! That's not a butt kick!

Come on, like this!

Brett: Yeah!

All clear here.

Heel to ass! Heel to butt!

Alex! Alex!

All right, good job, everyone.

Yes!

(all cheering) (Michelle sighs)

(screeching)

All right, here he is. Public enemy number one.

Oh, God, oh, God, I'm so ashamed...

So we having this conversation now?

We're doing it.

It's happening, buddy. It's happening. Um...

Is there or isn't there a, uh, a woman you once called wife on that beach?

Yes, we are separated, it's super awkward. I should have said something.

I'm very sorry.

Agreed you should have said something.

Agreed it is super awkward. But... Oh, God.

Yeah. Uh, you don't... I'm not gonna... say anything.

You don't have to worry.

I appreciate you being, uh... cool about it.

I am being super cool about it.

You're welcome.

Pretty cool.

Yeah.

Thanks, man.

You're welcome, man.

All right. Right. Ooh!

Too soon? That was too soon.

You're right. You know what?

That's on me. This one. Sorry about that.

Not sorry. Kind of sorry.

Yeah, well, she's like suddenly... like baby-crazy, kind of. (laughs)

(laughing)

(chuckles) Okay.

I feel a little worried about her.

Like... I don't know, that she's gonna do something stupid or...

Oh. (laughing)

Well, maybe you should just tell her to... slow down.

I mean, I've tried, but... you know.

She's not really listening.

(laughs) What are you doing after this?

You serious? It's, like, gonna be five in the morning.

So you're free. So it's a date.

Hey, brother.

Yeah?

Can you run this up the street to Dudley?

I mean, I'd do it myself, but I just pulled my groin big time.

Yeah. Sure, uh... I will be right back.

I will be right here.

Thank you, man. I really appreciate that.

What are you doing?

What? I pulled my groin. It's a mess.

You know, I just think you should... you should just pace yourself, that's all.

Pace myself?

Yeah, with Colin, you know? You just met him...

Just, you know, just take it easy.

Wow, are you giving me advice?

Things are moving really fast.

God! Thank you!

I didn't know how to work this, and now you're here telling me, and I feel so much better.

Okay, well, maybe you should just f*ck him on the beach then.

Maybe I will.

All right, so we got one, two, three, four... (man speaks Spanish)

Wait, what do you mean, "No hay"?

There's no ramp.

Uh... sh*t.

Um...

I... maybe can we lift it?

Yeah, would you guys...

Would you help us?

Maybe the four of us could lift?

We'll see if we can...

Okay, okay. One, two...

Oh, my God!

All right, that's a hernia waiting to happen.

We're not doing that. Oh, sh*t. Okay.

Is there, like, is there maybe somebody we could call who could maybe bring us one?

I can try, but it's the middle of the night.

Um, let's try, that would be helpful, thank you.

Alex: Hey!

Is everything cool or...?

Yeah, we're good.

We're f*cked.

Okay. We can figure this out.

Yeah.

Um...

Brett: This is, like, the perfect ramp.

Michelle: Yeah, it's great.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy!

Heavy?

Nope. Nope.

Yep. Okay.

Remember when you were cleaning the aquarium with the shop vac, and you sh*t water all over the apartment?

Yeah, yeah.

And we were like, why does this have, like, a blow option?

You know, it's a vacuum cleaner.

Right. Yes.

So, what if we go to a 24-hour Home Depot, and we get, like, ten of them, and we just, like, suck up the sand...

Okay.

And... and we blow it in the truck directly.

I see what you're getting at, uh, blue ribbon for creativity, amazing idea.

I'm not sure that those things would, like, blow sand, like, 20 feet in the air into the truck.

Oh... But I like... I mean, good... good thinking. Definitely.

(rattling) This is not going anywhere either. Okay. sh*t.

Uh... okay, no luck on the ramp.

Uh, well...

Yes?

Dude.

(majestic music plays)

(creaking) Brett: It's working!

Yes.

It's working!

Okay, good! Good, keep going!

Keep going! And stop right there!

Okay.

Okay.

Ooh, this is heavy. Oh, boy.

(straining) Oh, my God!

Oh, sh*t! Uh! Okay.

Okay.

Um... we're gonna swing this now, I think.

And on three, you guys let it go.

No.

Oh... What?

Oh, he's serious.

Brett: Here we go.

One... two... three!

(all shout)

sh*t!

Get out of the way!

Push it in!

Okay, okay, okay.

(sighs) (cheering)

Dude! Musc... muscles! Muscles!

All right, that was easy. Uh...

You guys wanna load some barrels?

♪ We're stealing sand in the LBC ♪
♪ Moving some barrels with the Pierson family ♪
♪ Working on the crazy play called Dune ♪

Bandit, we've got another Smokey.

(Alex continues rapping indistinctly)

Brett, Brett, Brett, Brett.

♪ Working real hard ♪

There's a cop coming!

Right now! Sh, sh!

I got a cop right here.

Pick up, pick up!

Come on, man! Pick up!

f*ck!

Okay!

(groans)

Oh-ho! Ah! (babbling)

Officer (over intercom): Sir, step back on the sidewalk, please.

(belches loudly)

Sir, get back on the sidewalk.

Uh!

(Alex rapping indistinctly)

Yeah!

Sir, get out of the street.

(siren chirps) (laughs)

(siren wails)

Oh, sh*t, cops! Cops, guys!

Okay, just walk. Do not run to your vehicles.

If you're in the truck, go to the truck. If you're in your cars, go to your cars.

We're still tying things down.

That's okay, we'll tie it up when we get in there.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Get in the wagon!

That spot's for Dudley!

Really?

What?!

We don't have time! Go, go!

No. Oh...

(car starts)

(howls)

(rock music blares) (shuts off radio)

Whoa! Easy, tiger.

I mean, what... what was that?

You getting back at me for Pam Watkins in Houston?

What? No. That was for your own good.

Excuse me?

Yeah.

What do you know about what is for my own good?

No...

I had something going with him!

You just f*cked it up!

You had something going with him?

You had something going with him?

What do you know about any of it? Nothing!

What's his last name? What's his last name?

f*ck you.

You don't know what his last name is, and you're ready to get his jizz in your...

In your johnson!

You know what?

That is none of your f*cking business!

What I want to do, whether I want a family, what I'm doing now, is none of your f*cking business!

You know nothing! You just swoop in, and act like we're f*cking friends when we're not even f*cking friends!

No, we are friends! We are friends.

No, we're not.

Friends look out for each other.

I haven't heard from you for f*cking months.

You're acting recklessly and sloppy.

I mean, you want diseases? Have you thought about this?

And besides, if you want sperm, there are better options.

Really? Like who?

(laughs)

What? (laughing)

You're enjoying that a little too much.

You? Your sperm?

Do you know who I descend from?

Hercules, Apollo, Ajax, Achilles, Agamemnon, have you heard of these people?

We invented everything: democracy, math, science, music, medicine.

You would be f*cking lucky to have my Hellenic jizz.

You'd be lucky.

(laughs)

I'm just imagining your little sperms.

With your big bug eyes.

I don't have bug eyes.

Yeah, they all look like Jon Lovitz.

(Michelle sighs) Guys, yes.

Ah! Thank you.

Okay, I'm gonna...

All right, man. Thanks. I appreciate everything.

Be safe.

Yeah. All right, good.

See you later. There's that. Later.

Yeah.

All right... okay, okay. All right. Look.

You f*cking prick!

Jesus!

You f*cking, f*cking f*ck!

Stop! Stop pushing me!

You piece of sh*t! assh*le!

Don't do that.

Don't push you?

No, don't push me.

Don't push you?

No, don't push me.

Guess what? You don't get to tell me what the f*ck to do anymore.

You thought it was cute to just act like you don't even know each other?

Like, in front of me?

It was an awkward situation. Okay?

I was trying to do my best. I didn't know she was planning on coming.

So you have a f*cking girlfriend?

No, I don't have a girlfriend, Michelle!

You have someone that you're f*cking?

No, you're gonna come at...

No?

You're gonna come at me right now?

No or yes?

Are you coming at me...

Tell me!

Yeah, I f*cked her! Yeah!

Finally! Finally, a f*cking moment of honesty.

Did you f*ck somebody too? Yes, you did.

Who f*cked somebody first? I worked my ass off to bring myself to you, and as soon as I got there, you f*cking bailed on me! Okay?

So please don't bring this sh*t onto me.

No, you don't get to do this to me after stringing me along, keeping me in the dark, and judging me from your f*cking high horse.

Everything that I have been doing for the last two months has been for you and for us.

To stay together for our f*cking kids.

I've been reminded every second that I could have f*cked that up.

And I was looking at you and I was like, this man is so good.

He would never f*ck up like this.

And I was going to sleep at night f*cking crying and thinking about you at Alex's house!

And you were in some f*cking 17-year-old's p*ssy?

I... I really hope that you're having a good time sleeping at Alex's.

'Cause I'm f*cking done.

That's where you live now.

(snoring)

(knocking on door)

(knocking on door)

In a million years, I never would have...

Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like our whole world is... falling apart and there's nothing we can do to...

I don't... I don't know.

Um...

So I also wanted to... apologize.

I've been freezing you out.

For... for a while.

I was just really hurt and jealous and... angry.

But... but, you know, like, in light of all this, it just really seems petty, and I just genuinely want to be friends now.

Like, not friends 'cause we don't have any other options, or we're desperate and we got nothing going on.

Friends?

Friends.

♪ I think you ♪
♪ Were wrong ♪
♪ You said I ♪
♪ Can't love ♪
♪ I was put upon this earth ♪
♪ Not by any god or master ♪
♪ Somehow ♪
♪ In some bar someday ♪
♪ I would see your face ♪
♪ I don't believe this sh*t ♪
♪ I was doing fine without it ♪
♪ Now I can't walk ♪
♪ Alone ♪
♪ I can't walk ♪
♪ Alone ♪