01x17 - Come and Gut Your Love

[bunniefuu]

Peter: You wanted me to steal the Seed.

Of course, you did!

You even left me the tools to do it!

Your son's usefulness dwindles daily, J'Son.

Peter is the only one who can operate the CryptoCube and lead us to the Cosmic Seed, Thanos.

If you should fail one more time to deliver the Cosmic Seed...

Peter: Hey!

Man: Halt!

Let me in there!

No one is permitted to see the king!

You never found the Cosmic Seed, you stole it, from Asgard!

We've been over this, Peter.

There isn't a shred of evidence, and I defy you to prove otherwise.

What kind of sick, sad, twisted loser lies to his own son?

Do not ever speak that way to your father and your king!

(GRUNTS)

You want it so bad? Steal it yourself, Dad!

(CLATTERS)

(GASPS)

Stop him! Guard, stop the prince!

Peter: Thanks for your key, Dad!

(ENGINE REVVING)

Groot: I am Groot! I am Groot! I am Groot!

Drax: I know your name!

Now let all of Spartax know mine.

Drax the Destroyer!

(GRUNTS) I told them I need a distraction, not destruction!

Rocket: Yeah, we got problems of our own.

This door!

Peter: Or we could just open it with my dad's key.

(DOOR OPENING)

Nice going, Quill.

Drax and Groot are gettin' their keisters sh*t at by the palace guard just so we can sneak aboard this hunk of junk!

This "hunk of junk," Rocket, happens to be the ship my dad used in his quest for the Cosmic Seed.

And you really think you can find proof he stole the seed from Asgard in the ship's data logs?

(GASPS)

(WHIRRING)

(ROCKET GRUNTS)

Relax, Gamora. I can shut down the automated defenses with my dad's... (LASER f*ring) ...key!

(GROANS)

Gamora: Down!

(GRUNTS)

And up!

Gotcha!

This is it, guys.

The truth about the Cosmic Seed is inside that ship.

From now on, no more lies.

Rora: J'Son?

Is it really you, J'Son?

Yeah. Totally.

J'Son. I am.

Your father's ship talks.

So talk to it already.

So, uh, hey.

How's it hanging?

(GASPS)

Liar, liar, pants on fire! Liar, liar, pants on fire! (GROWLS)

(GRUNTS)

Sir, there's been a breach in your private hangar.

Peter.

Call off pursuit of the Milano.

Secure the hangar, and make sure the prince does not leave.

Rora: For years, I've sat here alone just waiting, wondering if my J'Son would ever come back for his Rora.

Peter: Yeah, Rora, I kept meaning to call.

Never heard that one before.

(CHUCKLING)

I've just been crazy busy for, uh, you know, like, the last 25 years, but we're together at last.

Rora: If only we could fly again, soaring across the universe.

No boundaries, no limits. Just us.

Man: (OVER PA) Peter Quill, King J'Son has ordered your arrest.

(expl*si*n) PETER: Well, hey, let's do it!

(LASERS f*ring)

Like now!

Rora: No harm will come to my J'Son as long as we're together.

Whoa. Well, that was pretty impressive.

You're too sweet. And what a sight.

Huh? Whoa!

Exactly as I remember.

Oh, hey. Hi.

You... You too.

Yeah.

But how is it possible that after 25 years, you haven't aged?

(CHUCKLING)

Yo, J!

Don't forget today's super-anti-aging miracle spa treatment.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, how cute. Is it for me? I always wanted a pet.

(GROWLING)

Uh, no. Actually, this is Rocket, my, uh, royal advisor.

And this is Gamora, my, uh...

Oh, I know what she is.

Some things never change.

Okay, look, much as I wanna catch up, how about right now we just take a little spin?

You know, for old time's sake.

Nothing would make me happier, my love. (SCOFFS)

Now let's have some fun.

Hold on tight. Rora wants to fly!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Rora: J'Son, why are your ships sh**ting at us?

Peter: Uh, target practice.

Hey, why don't you test out your hyper warp?

As you wish, my love.

Whoo! That felt great!

Yeah. That was, you know, just like old times.

Tell me about it.

Remember that time we shook those Cowinstian poachers off the coast of Norwell?

Oh, yeah. Then we did that thing...

You mean warping right into a massive solar storm at Roo-B-9?

Of course. How could I forget?

Ah!

Quill, what are you doing?

What?

Just making conversation.

With an intelligent ship that is clearly in love with you.

So it can't be that intelligent.

Technically, she's in love with my dad.

So I figure I use the whole romance thing to get secret info, which leads us to the Cosmic Seed.

(SCOFFS)

That's a plan?

Lying to a woman and exploiting her trust?

That's a Quill specialty.

Rora, my love, being with you again has inspired me.

Ah, you and I are... We're gonna find the Cosmic Seed.

I just need you to bring up all the old records from your ship's log.

Silly J'Son. You know I never kept a log.

I recorded everything with my Widgets, remember?

(CHUCKLING) Well, duh.

Obviously, I meant the Widgets, silly.

(BEEPING)

Peter: Asgard World Tree, Cosmic Seed.

Not a shred of evidence. Ha!

Rora: Evidence of what? And why the helmet?

Oh, just, uh, recording the moment for my private files.

Look, I... I just want to remember every moment we shared together.

Ugh!

Blech!

Now, how about showing me the last time we saw the Seed?

Must I?

Please, darling?

For me.

You know I could never refuse you.

Rocket: The Destroyer Armor?

Peter: Ah, yes. I remember it well.

I'll navigate manually, Rora.

You divert all power to your essential AI systems.

It's too late for me, J'Son. I'm going offline.

Unless... I couldn't ask this of you.

Whatever it takes. I need to save you.

The Cosmic Seed accelerates life.

Perhaps it can do the same with artificial life.

I'll try anything. Just don't go offline, Rora.

Not yet.

Of course not, silly. An illusion can't go offline.

Loki.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Stupid petty thief!

None of your pathetic ilk shall ever gaze upon the Cosmic Seed again.

Wait. Loki stole the Seed back?

You mustn't blame yourself, darling.

Loki disabled me and replaced me with an illusion.

You know that.

And you mustn't blame yourself for crashing me on that primitive planet, either.

Her, you can blame yourself for.

That's my... My...

That's right.

Your shameless homewrecker, Meredith Quill.

You abandoned me for a common...

Don't even talk about my m...

Uh, Meredith, who I don't even remember.

Not surprising.

Just one among dozens.

Apple doesn't fall far, does it?

(LAUGHS) Nope.

What's an apple?

Drax: Let us inform our compatriots that we have evaded all pursuers.

Drax to Quill. Oh! Come in, Quill.

(OVER SPEAKERS) ♪ You're back from outer space ♪ (GROANS)

I am Groot.

♪ I just walked in to find you here ♪
♪ With that sad look upon your face ♪

So, you think you can sweet-talk your way into a woman's heart and then just disappear?

And hello! Never occurs to you to mention that you're a flargin' prince?

Perhaps this is intended for Quill.

Lucy, do we have something intended for Quill?

Yes, we do, Supergiant.

(EXPLOSIONS)

I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot!

Drax: Not now, tree.

Can you not see I am trying to evade Quill's ex-girlfriends?

(GROOT GRUNTING)

♪ Oh, as long as I know how to love ♪

Peter Quill, this is for the lies!

And this is for treating me like krutak!

Lucy: I'm locking in, Supergiant.

I'll take the other hatch.

Where is he?

I am Groot.

Lucy. Charmed.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

Now, where's Quill?

(GRUNTS)

You're not so tough, shrub.

I... am...

(ROARING) Groot!

Peter: Oh, don't be mad, Rora.

You know you're the only girl, uh, ship for me.

I just wish I could believe you.

If every word I've said isn't 100% true, then my name isn't J'Son of Spartax.

Rora, return with Peter to Spartax immediately.

That's an order.

J'Son?

And meltdown in three, two...

(CHUCKLING)

You lied?

Okay, not every single word I said is a literal fact, but he's my father.

So, uh, technically, from, you know, we... You're talking genetics.

I should've known from the stench that you were the son of that filthy Earther, Meredith Quill!

Rora, let's just everyone calm down here, because I need...

I'm done with the whole family.

Join the club.

J'Son's the criminal here.

He's been lying to all of Spartax for...

You don't say a word about J'Son.

Is it me, or is it suddenly getting really cold in here?

(SHIVERS)

Rora, please restore atmospheric control to the interior.

I'm sorry, Peter. In the interest of conserving resources, I can no longer support organic life-forms.

(SOFTLY) Escape pod.

Ready? And...

Now!

(ALARM BLARING)

She's shut down all functions.

Apparently, not all functions.

(GAMORA GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

Your crazed circuit board slash ex-girlfriend just k*lled the gravity.

Rora: There's no call for rudeness, rogue's-accomplice slash-rodent.

(ROCKET GROWLS)

Rocket: There's no call for roastin' my fur either, so we're even!

We need back-up. Whoa.

I can't reach the Milano.

Rora must have fried out my comm.

Ahh, same with my Element Blaster.

Then it's time we did some frying of our own.

(BOTH GRUNT)

Ground rule double!

Aw, seriously?

(EXCLAIMS)

Actually, I can work with this. Gimme some cover.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BEEPING)

Rora: I must insist that you cease to vandalize my equipment.

(GRUNTS)

Okay, you know, there's a joke here about the ship having a crush on me, but...

Not now, Quill.

(GASPS)

(YELLS)

Rora: That wasn't very nice, you sabotaging little...

Call me "rodent" again, lady. I dare ya.

She's out for now, so let's see if I can get this comm working.

Supergiant: So, do we all suffocate? Or do you spill the beans on Quill?

(GROANING)

We have no beans in our food supply, nor do I see the purpose of pouring them on a friend.

Drax! Groot! We need you stat!

Transmitting coordinates now!

(DRAX GROANING)

Now that's more like it.

J'Son: Rora, I'm different now.

I'd like to try to work things out.

But please, bring Peter back safely.

He's my only son.

I will. For you, my sweet J'Son.

Hyperspace warp in 10...

Okay, new plan. Into the airlock!

Nine...

...eight...

We'll eject just before warp.

...seven...

She'll be halfway across the galaxy...

...before she figures out we're gone.

...six...

That would be a great plan if we had helmets.

...five...

We'll just have to buddy breathe off of Quill's helmet.

Uh, Rocket?

...three...

Rora shorted out my helmet, too.

...two...

k*ll the eject!

Too late!

...one.

(ALL GASPING)

(PETER GROANING)

Peter: Groot?

Drax?

Isn't he adorbs when he's sleepy?

Wha!

J'Son: You lost him!

I ask you to do one thing! One!

And you wonder why you've been sitting here alone all these years!

But I thought...

You do not think!

You are ones and zeros stuffed in a tin can!

Now you find him, and don't come back without him.

Or I will personally tear you down for scrap!

You told me 37 different lies. In three days!

The broker told me that ring you gave me was nothing but a cubic zirconia!

Whatever that is. (GROANS)

Guys! Little help.

You got into this all by yourself.

You can get out of it the same way.

Ah! Uh... (MUMBLES) Ladies, please.

Look, give me one more chance. The truth is...

I have a serious problem!

(GROANS)

There can only be one princess.

And how can I choose which of the two great loves of my life to marry?

(GRUNTS)

Ya gotta admit, I would look pretty darn cute in a tiara.

Oh. Yeah. Like a whale wearing a satellite.

Hey!

Hey!

If you want an overgrown squid on the throne, well...

(GRUNTING) He's mine!

Peter: Okay. Let go. Let go! Girls, girls!

(GRUNTS)

The prince is not made of elastic. (CHUCKLES) Ow!

Five units says the big one wins.

I am Groot.

Okay, 10 units.

(SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

Gamora: Quill, she's knocked out the autopilot.

Peter: Everyone, relax! I've got this completely under control.

(GRUNTING)

Okay, seriously, ladies. I need both my arms attached.

(GROANS) Ow!

(LUCY GROANS)

Ugh.

I am Groot.

(GROANS)

Lucy: Give me that grenade, furball!

Hey! I steal the expl*sives here.

Either you make me princess right now or I'll blow you all to smithereens!

(GRUNTS)

Like flarg you will!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

(GASPING)

(LUCY GROANS)

(PETER GRUNTING)

I am Groot.

Fine! We'll take the Space Pods. You follow on foot.

I am Groot!

(PANTING)

(MUFFLED GROANING)

(SQUISHING)

(PETER GROANS)

On the other hand, who wants to have King J'Son as a father-in-law?

(CHUCKLES) Am I right, ladies?

(GROANS)

You're goin' down, lady!

Peter: Um, Super? Why ya going up?

Oh, no, wait. I've seen this movie. I know how this ends.

(ROARING)

Careful, we don't want to hurt Quill. Much.

(GROANING)

(SNARLS)

(GRUNTS)

Drax: I am hit!

But never destroyed.

(GROANING)

Your feet stink!

(GROANING)

Lucy: Yoo-hoo!

If you wanna live, let my prince come crawling up here and marry me this instant!

Peter: Wait! Both of you!

I lied to you when we were going out, and I've been lying to you all day.

But look, here, this is the truth.

I'm not gonna marry either of you.

I'm not even a prince anymore. I'm done with it all.

So do what you want to me, but let my friends go.

They never did anything to hurt you. I did.

And I'm really sorry.

(SNIFFS)

Boo-flargin'-hoo!

We're all a bunch of miserable jerks, and we're all goin' together.

In 30 seconds.

29... 28...

(BEEPING)

Everybody clear out!

...27...

Groot, down!

...26...

I am Groot.

25!

24!

(GROAN)

23, 22.

21, 20, 19!

(GRUNTING)

18, 17.

Fine! Blow yourself up, Quill! The galaxy'll be better off!

(BEEPING)

The galaxy would be better off without all of them!

(SCREAMING)

Fire in the hole!

(RAPID BEEPING)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

All: Quill!

I am Groot!

Rora! I knew you'd come back!

Actually, I never thought in a million years you'd come back.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

After how I acted, after everything I've done.

Why would you even help?

Your father asked me to find you.

And I realized that it's not entirely your fault that you're a liar.

You were born to it.

There's something else you need to know about your father, Peter.

Listen, Yondu. All Peter needs to know is that he's a nothing Earther who's been abducted by pirates.

I don't want to see him, I don't want to know about him until you've turned him into a proper thief.

Until then, he's of no use to me.

I am Groot.

How should I know why a guy would do that to his only son?

Because nobody else could operate the CryptoCube.

I was the only one who could finish his quest for him.

Even though deception is in your blood, Peter, it doesn't have to be in your heart.

Uh, yes it does, because blood must flow through the heart...

Ow!

I wasted 25 years waiting for the love and approval of a man who's incapable of caring for anything but himself.

I hope you won't make the same mistake, Peter.

What will you tell J'Son?

With any luck, I'll never see him again.

But didn't you tell my dad...

That I'd find you.

I never said I'd bring you back.

J'Son: So it is of paramount importance that our peacekeeping taskforce be...

Peter: Hey.

I am Groot.

(ALL MURMURING)

This what you've been looking for?

(J'SON GASPS)

Ah, a timeless tale.

Son borrows father's vehicle. Son destroys father's vehicle.

You're a funny dude, Dad.

I just about d*ed laughing when I heard you want me to help you steal the Cosmic Seed.

For the second time!

Yeah, that's right, King Liar-Head here stole the Cosmic Seed from Asgard!

This is an unmitigated act of w*r with Asgard!

There will only be peace when we have wiped Spartax from the face of the galaxy!

Peter: Wait! There's more I need to show you!

Guards!

(g*ns COCKING)

Oh.

I thought the truth was supposed to set you free.