02x13 - Fish in the Dish

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

Tandy: You're having sex with Gail and Melissa.

You dirty dog.

How long were you and Phil trying before you got pregnant?

Tandy and I have been trying for, like, I don't know, six months now?

Six months? That long?

Carol: We're not pregnant.

Don't worry, everything's gonna be all right.

Service.

Carol: Hey, Tandy?

What are you doing?

Oh, just honing my game.

Tandy, I need you to do something for me today.

Okay, what do you got?

I need you to masturbate.

Way ahead of you.

Yeah, check it off the list. What else you got?

Oh, no, I need you to do it again.

Again, way ahead of you.

No, th... this is different.

Left-handed?

No, it's just I was reading up on fertility issues.

Oh.

And I think we should check your sperm motility.

So I went to the store and I got a male fertility test.

Why?

Well, you know, it's been a while and we're not pregnant yet.

What's the rush? It'll happen when it happens.

Well, I mean, look at Phil, okay... he's dead!

One day you're here, the next you're not.

And I want to get your goods before you croak.

Yeah, you're right... Having a family's important.

Yeah, let's do this.

Okay, great.

I know it's kind of a weird request.

Do you think you could handle the pressure?

Care Bear, I've been practicing for this test my whole life.

I won't let you down.

Okay.

Oh!

Ah, well, at least this isn't a Monet.

Oh, this is a Monet.

Okay, well, thanks for the lotion, Gail.

Boy, were my forearms dry!

Damn it!

Damn it. (Crying)

Hey, Todd.

Oh.

Hey, I... I was just thanking Gail for some lotion she gave me for my forearms, yeah.

You probably heard me talking about it as I was leaving her room. Real dry, my forearms.

Yeah, got a good coat on them now, though.

Yeah, lotion.

What a godsend.

Uh, do you want to come watch a movie with me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I... I'll be there in a minute.

I'll just give you a little preview first.

Okay, yeah.

Great, yeah.

Nice trailer there.

Looking forward to the feature-length version of that. You know, uh, sex.

Bring this weirdness to the bedroom.

Right.

Carol: Oh, what are you doing?

Well, I'm just, uh, cramming for the test.

You know how I feel about p*rn.

Carol, I'm not gonna go into this situation unarmed.

I mean, it's too important.

Well, you will be armed.

I made you a very special collection of highly erotic images of women.

But unlike the misogynistic, male-centric trash you read, these women are sexy because they're highly intelligent, accomplished, and... as far as we know... unmolested.

Huh.

I call it female en-p*rn-ment.

Okay.

Well, I'm listening. Uh, let me take a gander.

Yeah, sure.

(groans)

(clears throat)

Okay.

Ooh-la-la!

I'm a sexy CEO who did not sleep my way to the top.

Got there by studying hard and maintaining my focus.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And check out this sexy lady judge.

That long black robe covers every inch of her body.

Except for the biggest sexual organ she has... her brain.

(sexy purr)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And look at this stunner.

The President of the United States herself.

And behind her is her First Lady Désirée.

(whispers): They're lesbians.

Yeah, I caught that, yeah.

Well, shall I get to?

This will work.

Oh, well, not here!

I created a special sexual area for you.

A performance zone, if you will.

I call it the Masturbatorium.

Hmm.

Are you feeling turned on?

I'm feeling so many things.

Billie Jean King.

Condi Rice.

And of course, the guy who played Bud in Flipper.

Oh, no, that's Janet Reno.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Oh, what's with the, uh, babies?

Oh, well, this is just to keep your eyes on the prize.

Ah.

That's you just fertilizing the garden of life with your seed.

Man, this room is a friggin' roller coaster ride.

Isn't it fun?

Yeah. (Laughs)

Yeah. Okay, listen. I'm gonna give you some privacy.

Okay.

All right?

Enjoy.

Yeah. Thank you.

Be strong. Just say it.

Come on, Todd, you got this.

Be the ball, man.

Hey, Gail.

Hey, Todd. How you doing?

I'm good, look. I think we need to talk about us.

Yeah, right?

Good, yeah, I do.

Um, there's something I've been wanting to tell you.

Oh, great, well, you know, I'd like to start if you don't mind.

No, I'll go first.

That's fine.

You were such a lifesaver to me through the whole Phil nightmare.

I don't know how I would've gotten through that without you.

Oh, well, you know, look, okay, well, here... here's the thing.

No, there's something else.

Yeah.

I put Gordon away.

I don't need him anymore. 'Cause you, Todd, you're my new dummy.

Your new... the new du... your new dummy?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, so it... it sounds to me like you're pr... pretty, you know, into this whole, uh, situation then. Right?

Why? Did you need to tell me something, Todd?

(stammers) No, no... nothing really.

Just a classic, you know, ditto situation.

You're a ditto situation.

(chuckles)

(both moaning)

Nice job, Todd.

Okay, got to go tell Melissa.

Melissa, we need to talk.

And I need to not talk.

Well, that's your prerogative. I mean, talking is overrated.

Not always, but in this case, yeah. Damn it.

(both moaning)

It says here, when the control line shows up, the test is active.

Tandy: And right on cue.

Okay, so now we just have to wait for the bottom line to tell us that your sperm count is great.

Oh, she's a-coming.

(both chuckle)

Any minute now.

(chuckles) I'm sure it's fine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, please. Carol, I know it is.

I mean, this dish is full of fish.

Hey, hope I don't get this test pregnant.

Ooh.

(both laughing)

Okay, give me that.

Well, that can't be right.

But that would mean...

(stammers)

You know, I bet my sperm count was too high for the test.

Yes, oh, definitely.

Probably broke the barrier.

What do we even know about these things, anyway, huh?

Oh, "made in China."

They're probably calibrated for Chinese sperm.

Yeah.

Oh, look, this one's expired!

Oh, check the other ones.

What, November 1, 2020. Expired.

August 23, 2021.

(laughs)

I knew it!

Never use an expired fertility test. That's the old saying.

But if it's faulty, then why did the control line show up?

Proves even more how screwed up they are.

Look, why would a control line show up on a test where the fertility line doesn't?

Makes no sense.

Okay, okay.

If it makes you feel better, I'm gonna throw Todd into the equation.

Run his stuff through the system, and when we see he gets negative results, we'll know these things are bogus.

You are so smart.

Hey, you said it, not me.

But yeah.

(sighs)

Oh, gosh dang it.

Look, just tell them the truth.

You dirty dog, you...

Having a little one-on-one convo?

Talk... talking to myself a little bit.

Hey, Tandy, what... what's up?

Uh, just wondering if you could, uh, cut the Tandyman a quick slice and perform a little bro-to-bro solid.

Uh, more of a gelatinous than a solid, really.

Yeah, I need a favor.

Uh, yeah, sure.

Could you, uh, masturbate into this cup for me?

Absolutely.

You don't, uh, want to know what it's for?

No, if a friend needs semen, he... he gets semen.

What's the time frame on this?

Now-ish? I mean, don't worry.

I'll turn around for you, of course.

Yeah, I... I don't know.

It's just the well's running a little dry.

I could give you pee.

Would pee help?

Not really a one-fluid-fits-all situation here.

Afraid I gotta be specific to semen on this one.

Look, can I level with you?

Hey, I'd be upset if you didn't.

Thanks, bud. It's just, I've been having sex all day with both Melissa and Gail.

I feel like a rolled-up tube of toothpaste.

You dirty dog.

Man, I gotta come clean.

It's eating me up inside.

Okay, then come clean.

No! It's not that easy, man.

I don't want anybody to get hurt.

They've all been through so much already, and I want them to feel safe.

Then don't come clean.

Then I'm the biggest bastard on Earth.

Todd, stop it.

That title is reserved for Erica's baby.

Todd.

Could I get some help with my crossword puzzle?

I'm a little stuck on 69 down.

I'll be there in a minute.

All right.

Give me that cup.

I'll try to get to it later.

(panting)

There is no crossword puzzle.

Tandy: Carol?

I talked to Todd, and he's on it.

Oh, good.

Hey, here's a questionnaire that can help us figure out why a person's count might be under par.

Sure, fire away.

I think it'll be fun.

You know, like genital Mad Libs.

Mm-hmm.

Um, have you smoked marijuana in your life?

What do I look like, a narc?

Of course I have, Carol.

Come on, real cool person you're talking to here.

Love grass, love marijuana cigarettes.

You don't have to be so proud of it.

(scoffs) Not proud, just being honest.

Uh, have you ever had an injury to the "gronn"?

And what's the gronn?

Your gronn.

Your gronn area.

Still a little unclear.

Like, "Oh, I pulled my gronn."

It's called a groin.

That's what I'm talking, that's what they want to know.

You know, my high school buddies and I, we used to play a game called "nut punch," where you would get under and you would sock the person in the nuts when they weren't paying attention.

Yeah.

Well, that's nutty.

(chuckles) Is that a boom?

That's a boom, sure, yeah.

Okay. Um, do you overly masturbate?

Define "overly."

Yeah, I'm gonna mark that as a yes.

Don't worry, Carol, okay? I got the goods.

In fact, you know what? I'm gonna head back to the Masturbatorium and deliver another round.

Hey, maybe focus on Billie Jean King this time.

She had a way with balls.

Boom! (Laughs)

I'm on fire.

♪ ♪

"Little left in the t*nk for you, buddy."

Thanks, Todd. (sighs)

See? I knew it. Same thing as my test.

These things have turned.

♪ ♪

Gute Nacht, das Sperminator!

Hi. You coming to bed soon?

Uh, yeah, I... I'll be there, uh, soon. Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Did Todd bring back his test yet?

(sighs)

No, not yet.

Let's get some sleep.

Come on.

(Quietly): Okay.

You know, I have filled this pool with a bunch of DC... and a little bit of rum... but mainly DC.

Now, we all know what happens when I introduce these puppies into the mix, right?

They're supposed to react with the DC, and then sh**t up into the sky like a rocket.

But this is what's currently happening inside my testicles.

(fizzing)

All right, yeah, a real ho-hum situation.

Some general fizzing, but that's not gonna make a baby.

But... with the proper focus, we... can do... this.

Well, it is something like that.

You... you know. Just focus.

♪ ♪

Hey, Todd.

I'm here. Oh...

Oh, hey, Erica. I'm not hiding.

Wh... what's up? How... how you doing?

You know, still thinking about Phil a lot.

Well, look, if you need anything, I... I'm here.

About that, before Phil d*ed, he told me that he wanted you to help be the father to the baby.

Really?

Yeah. Phil always said there was no one more giving and kind than Todd, and he always hoped that our child would grow up to be as genuine and honest as you are.

I'm not as... wonderful as everybody thinks I am. (Chuckles)

What are you talking about? You're the best.

So... will you help me?

Us?

♪ ♪

I'd be honored.

(exhales)

Thank you, sweet Todd. Thank you.

Anything you need.

I want you to feel safe and happy and loved.

♪ ♪

Wow.

(Todd screaming)

(screaming)

Aah, you're a monster!

What the hell is wrong with you?!

How much women's saliva do you need inside your mouth, you freaking monster?!

Aah!

♪ ♪

Tandy: Damn it! Negative.

(huffs)

Well, if at first you don't succeed...

All right, got to buckle down, eyes on the prize.

Thatcher, looks like it's you and me on this one.

Don't look away from me. Don't avert your eyes.

Oh, smiling at me with those irresistible British teeth.

I don't like dentistry either.

Where'd you crash, Amelia? Where'd you crash?!

Don't ask questions, just tell me!

Todd: You monster!

Destroyer of lives!

Aah!

(groans) Hi, Janet. Hi, Janet.

Gonna name it after all you guys if it's a girl.

Turn it around!

Change course, you bastard!

Condoleezza, help me!

Help me!

I can't do it!

I have to!

I can't do it!

I have to!

(both screaming)

(both crying)

Can't believe I'm sterile.

I'm not gonna have a family.

(sighs) I have to go tell Carol.

♪ ♪

Carol?

I have to tell you something.

It's positive.

Oh! (Laughs)

(both laughing)

Yay!

Carol: Oh, there's my little love monkey.

Did you have a nice afternoon delight sleep-tight?

What... what am I looking at here?

Oh, acupuncture.

Since we ruled you out... thank goll, you know, eliminated you as the problem, hooray...

I decided I should really step up my game.

And acupuncture's supposed to be great for fertility.

Uh, aren't those needles a little big?

Yes, they are thicker than traditional acupuncture needles, because they're actually pushpins.

Are you sure about this?

Hey, look, it's fine.

I'm just sorry to put you through all this.

A family's the one thing we both want, and I'm powerless to make it happen, and it's just really hard not to feel guilty.

But the mind's a powerful thing, and maybe we can will it to happen.

Looks like you hit a little gusher there, Carol.

That's how you know it's working.

Carol, I have to tell you something.

(Knocking on door)

Hey, y'all, I was thinking about going t...

Good Lord, Hellraiser, what is that?

We're trying to have a baby.

You know what, I don't want to know.

I don't want to know.

I just want to go to the beach and wondered if anybody wanted to join me.

Oh, I'd love to.

Don't want to take 'em out before we go?

They need five minutes to set.

♪ ♪

Well, Tandy aced his fertility test, so now we all know the problem lies with yours truly, so...

Look, I can't take this anymore. Carol, I have to tell you something.

What is it?

Carol...

Wait, is that Todd?

Erica: He's still in his khakis.

In his car keys?

Sorry, "kya-kis, kya-kis."

Okay, that's better.

Is that better?

Look, I... I have something important to say.

Yeah, sorry, bud, get in line.

Todd: Tandy, I have to do this now, man.

Ugh, it'd better be super freaking important, dude.

It freaking is.

Ugh.

(clears throat)

Melissa...

... I've been hooking up with Gail.

What the hell?

Uh, Gail...

I started re-hooking up with Melissa.

You whore.

I'm not done just yet.

I kissed Erica.

I did not know that there was a take-a-number situation.

Gail, I thought you were my friend.

You were broken up.

I'm the one that's being double-timed here.

Ladies, no, please, just...

Whether you believe me or not, I did this for you.

I care about all of you so much, really, and I don't want you to hurt.

I want to be there for you.

For all of you.

And, damn it, I don't want to do it behind your backs.

So, with that in mind, yeah, I mean... you know, would it be so wrong if... we were, you know, I mean, uh, all... together?

I mean, you know, I... I mean, not... not like a... you know, a Big Love situation. (Chuckles)

You know? But more of like a...

Big... Love... situation.

Well, uh, looks like I'm up. Uh, that was super gross, by the way.

Uh, Carol.

It's not you... it's me.

Yeah, I... I... I didn't have the balls to tell you this, but... I don't have the balls to have children. Carol, I'm sterile.

Oh, my goll.

Please don't leave me...

No, look!

Holy farts.

♪ When I look so far away ♪
♪ Please don't wake me from my dreams ♪
♪ I'm just wondering who I could be ♪
♪ If I lived inside my dreams ♪
♪ I could be a king or a football star ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Drive around ♪

(grunts)

♪ In a big sports car ♪

(gasping)