01x03 - Private d*ck

[bunniefuu]

[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]

Carter: Flip it. Flip it.

Flip it real good.

Flip it.

No.

What?

You didn't knock.

Oh, you were serious?

Yep.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Carter: Cooper?

Sorry. Busy. Come back later.

Come on, Coop.

No one here by that name. Try down the hall.

[KEYS JINGLE]

It's okay. I still have my key.

Okay, I'm changing the locks -- For real now.

And I'm hiring an armed guard.

Why didn't you make coffee?

I'm sorry.

What are you drinking?

Hot chockie.

Hot chockie?

Mm-hmm.

[SLURPS]

Mmm. Want me to make you one?

No, man. I want some coffee.

You don't need cof-- You don't need the caffeine.

All right, you're edgy.

Yeah, well, you know what you are -- useless, after your grand social-media experiment went bust, man.

Can't find Natalie anywhere. She's nowhere to be found.

Oh, I got a new plan.

Really? What is it?

Listen, there's like 12 million people in the bare-naked city, right, and you're looking for one.

Okay.

So, you're sending up smoke signals, right, in a city full of smokers.

I don't...

[SLURPS] Mmm.

I don't really think --

[SLURPS]

Stop slurping.

How else am I gonna drink hot chockie?

Will you stop calling it that?

It's so yummy.

Okay, I'm gonna k*ll you with a blunt object.

Cooper, I'm thinking --

You want a surgery, you call a doctor.

You need legal advice, you call a lawyer.

You want to laugh, you call a clown.

You want to find someone, you call a private eye.

A private investigator?

Yes. Bingo taco.

Now, I know a guy who knows a guy who helped my brother find something very important before he was in prison.

Your brother was in prison?

No, it's the guy -- The P.I.

Yeah. He's out now. It's fine.

Are you being serious right now?

I am very serious right now.

Carter, no, I'm not hiring a P.I., or a private investigator.

What is this, 1940?

Well, call him something --

Call him "discreet investigator."

That's worse.

Coopy --

There's no way I'm gonna hire somebody to spy on Natalie.

He's not a spy. He's a professional tracker.

There are these people, these native Americans -- beautiful people -- they're called the Shadow Wolves.

Shadow Wolves.

Yeah, Shadow Wolves. Yeah.

I saw the documentary.

They work for homeland security, and they track smugglers.

So you want me to hire the Shadow Wolves to find Natalie?

Yes. No. no.

But I'm saying, tracking is legit.

And this P.I. is a known quantity.

My brother totally vouches for him.

Did you already call this guy?

Is he on his way over here?

[SLURPS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

At least he knocked.

Okay.

♪ Hey ♪
♪ Oh, my love, let me be your fire ♪
♪ We're a thousand miles up and I'm about to get higher ♪
♪ Feel my heart b*ating out my chest ♪
♪ You're the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed ♪
♪ Singing oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ You make me feel blessed, you make me feel blessed ♪
♪ You're the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed ♪

What is he doing?

He's touching all your stuff.

I know. Why is he touching all my stuff?

Because he's got madness to his methods.

Or just plain madness. Jesus.

So, what did d*ck do for your brother?

I just can't get over that his name is d*ck.

Why so?

Because you're... you're a private eye and private eyes are also called dicks.

Is that funny to you?

No. It's not at all.

No. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Nope.

It's, uh... it is something that's known.

Is it?

So, you think you can find her, d*ck?

Oh, I can find anyone.

Yeah, that's great.

That's great. Great news.

Yes.

Isn't that great news, coop?

Yeah, it's great news.

Thank you so much.

All right, let's get down to business.

Okay.

So, you're, uh, looking for a woman, hmm?

Yes.

Yes.

Ex-wife ran off with another guy, took your kid to Canada, you want me to bring her and the kid back?

No. no.

Ex-girlfriend slept with your best friend, stole your wallet, b*rned down your house?

Wow. That -- Does that happen?

Many, many times.

Talk to me.

My thing is, I met this girl, uh, at a bar, and I didn't get her last name --

Only her first name, "Natalie," and her job.

She edits, uh, cookbooks.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Does she write the books herself or have them ghostwritten?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Diane: My nephew is driving me crazy!

Shadrach: I'm not lying, aunt Diane.

You better not be lying.

Hey.

Oh. Hey. I'm sorry.

I didn't know you had company.

No, it's okay. Diane, this is, um, d*ck.

[SNICKERS]

Your accountant?

No, I'm actually a --

Yes, he is my accountant.

And, you know, we're just getting a jump on things.

Tax time, you know how it goes. Filing and whatnot.

Oh, that's good, Jackson -- Planning ahead.

Very mature of you.

You know, I'm trying, Diane.

Actually, listen, now's not the best --

I need to use the can.

[INHALES SHARPLY] The can.

Uh, okay, it's down the hall to the right.

Did you ask this boy over here to play video games?

Uh, that's correct.

You did?

See?

Is that all right?

You need to start hanging out with kids your own age.

No, it's fine, 'cause I'm like 15.

What?

Yeah, mentally, he's 15.

I'm a lot of fun.

Yeah, he's a lot of fun.

Ooh, goody.

Please, aunt Diane?

Please, aunt Diane?

All right. Be home by lunchtime.

Awesome.

Diane, take with with you, please?

No, no, you got him.

Bu-- [SIGHS] Guys, I'm not sure --

That man is not an accountant.

Lower your voice.

Okay.

God.

[d*ck COUGHING]

What should we do? Knock on the door?

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Yeah, we're all good.

Are we?

Yeah, I'll take your case.

Okay. Did you just decide that while you were in my bathroom?

[CHUCKLES] I like you. Funny.

So...

Listen, um, I'm sorry.

This is just a little weird.

What is?

This whole thing. I feel a little funny about it.

You, uh, having second thoughts?

No, I'm having first thoughts, actually.

I never would've called you. This was carter's idea.

So, I'm really sorry.

Let me tell you a few things about you, Mr. Cooper.

Yeah, d*ck, I don't think you understand --

Your intellect would suggest you to be a pessimist, based on the books you keep out on the shelf and the paper copy of The New York Times I saw in the kitchen there.

But, uh, the items in your bathroom, they, uh, they suggest an optimist.

No bottles of Crestor or Lipitor suggest you have no fear of dying, a small bottle of Xanax, which -- let's face it --

Is a staple in most Manhattan medicine cabinets.

Three upscale brands of animal-testing-free conditioner and no bottles of dandruff shampoo, suggesting you're not worried about the future and you enjoy living in the moment.

The fact that you met someone once and feel like she could be the one suggests you're a hopeful romantic.

The way you're looking at me now suggests you're, uh, you're wondering why you've employed a private investigator.

Do I have that right?

I...

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wh-- you really think you can find her?

You give me 24 hours.

If I don't come up with something tangible, no harm, no foul... no charge.

Okay. Well, you know what?

Deal. Let's do it.

[LAUGHS] Let's do it.

Okay.

Okay, I'll walk you to the door.

All right.

Let's fire it up.

Here we go.

♪

[VOCALIZING]

Harty would like to discuss the department retreat with you.

Okay.

H.R. needs all faculty for a healthcare seminar.

Okay.

And I have a full schedule of office hours --

One booked every 15 minutes for the next 4 hours.

Wonderful.

Let's get me a cup of Joe, and then we can start the day.

What is going on with you?

Nothing. I'm just -- I'm having a pretty good day.

Who are you?

[GASPS] Did you find the bar girl?

Uh, almost.

But I am close, Sophie. I am very close.

You have a lead?

Well, uh, you could call it that.

What would you call it?

I would call it a lead.

Well, spill it.

I hired a private investigator. His name's d*ck.

d*ck?

I know.

But he seems really nice, and he seems like he wants to help, and, just like in psychology, if you want professional help, you hire professional help.

And just like in psychology, when you see someone delusional, you say, "There's someone delusional." and right now, I'm looking at someone delusional.

Okay, like you, I was skeptical, but I'm starting to think that it's the best way to find her.

[GASPS] You know what you should do?

What?

You should meet this woman -- Josie.

She's the event planner I'm working with.

She's beautiful. She's fantastic.

Josie? No, I'm gonna keep my eye on the prize.

Sophie?

Hmm?

That's definitely your color.

Choosing to play as the Steelers was not smart, my man.

Are you kidding me right now?

The Pittsburgh Steelers --

The Steel Curtain Pittsburgh Steelers.

Shadrach, most Super Bowls in NFL history, all right?

Yeah, but...

Lynn Swann, Jack Ham, Terry Bradshaw.

You know, mean Joe Greene.

Yeah, Carter.

All right?

I know those guys can stomp.

Peyton Manning's been throwing...

I can't see.

...an 80-yard touchdown pass to demaryius Thomas.

All right. I'm not ready --

Boom Shakalaka!

Uh, hey, I'm having an issue with glare here.

You want to switch seats?

No, I want to fix the glare.

It's not the glare, man.

What you're witnessing is the Xbox equivalent of a smackdown, delivered by yours truly.

You sit over there. Sit over there.

[SCOFFS]

Okay. There's time left, all right?

T-there's 4 minutes left, and you're down 64 points.

Touchdown and a -- and a -- And an onside kick.

Nine times?

It's been done.

Uh [CHUCKLES] you're dreaming.

Big baby.

Baby Ben, drop back. Here we go.

Okay! Okay!

No, no! go!

Here he is down the sidelines!

Yes!

Interception!

No.

Yes!

And I'm taking it to the endsy!

I'm having the glare.

Touchdown! Pick six! Pick six!

The glare is still hitting me! It's not fair!

Your pick six, no glare!

These plasma --

What are you doing?! Oh!

Oh, f*ck.

Hey, Shad, you were supposed to --

You guys are idiots.

Aunt Diane --

No. Shut up, Shad.

Okay.

You have to replace Jackson's TV.

Yes, yeah, that's what we were just --

We were sa-- We were just saying that.

Yeah.

We haven't begun saying it, but we were about to start --

We were about to start saying that.

All right.

Easy. He's due for an upgrade.

We're gonna go down to Wizard Electroland.

We're gonna -- We're getting him a --

We're getting him a curved TV. That's what we're gonna do.

"Call of Duty" on that curve...

Yeah.

No, no, no. No curved TV.

You have to replace this TV, or Jackson will know that you broke it and he'll be pissed, and he'll never let the two of you up in his apartment again.

He said he was gonna get an armed guard.

Coop's TV is like three years old.

You're never gonna find the same one.

No, you're -- you're correct, but your attitude -- check it.

Come here.

This is a test right here. It's happening now.

You and me, all right?

When life -- When you get lemons, you gather them and y-you... and you cut 'em and you squeeze --

You squeeze the juice into life's eye, man.

You make it -- You make it sting, so let's get the game face on, let's get our coats on, and we're going to Wizard Electroland.

Let's do this. Go.

[SIGHS]

I told you, I'm a fatherly figure.

I'm embarrassed to know you.

Okay.

♪

Okay, bye, now. See you in a few weeks.

[INTERCOM BEEPS]

Sophie: Doc?

Soph, send in the next one. I am on fire in here!

I am saving students from bad thesis papers, one paragraph at a time.

Your d*ck is here.

What?

Your private eye.

Oh.

He's here? That was fast.

Standing right in front of me.

How did he find me?

Really?

Oh.

Send him in.

Okay, you can go right through those doors and to your left.

[CHUCKLING] Oh. I know.

I got a lead.

Well, you said it would be 24 hours.

It's been less than three.

Well, you come to the best, you get the best.

[LAUGHS] Okay, well, what do you got, d*ck?

Meet me later -- Couple four hours.

Well, which is it?

What?

Huh?

Problem?

No. No, no.

Um, nope.

Everything's fine.

You okay?

With what?

Nothing. Uh, we're good.

You're a weird guy.

Yeah.

Okay, d*ck, well, I will meet you in a couple/four hours, 'cause I'm just gonna be done here around 4:30, teaching.

Don't really need to hear your whole schedule.

Okay.

We'll go to this store I know, pick up some equipment, and then we'll, uh, find out what's what.

Equipment?

The surveillance.

We need to watch her from afar, make sure this Natalie is your Natalie.

Don't want to sneak up on the wrong person.

I don't want to sneak up on anyone.

Meet me at this address.

Ugh. That guy gives me the creeps.

Take it easy. He's -- he's a professional.

A professional creep.

Sophie --

Just don't say I didn't warn you.

Bye.

Where are you going?

I'm not going anywhere. Where are you going?

To my desk?

Yep.

Excuse me. Dr. Cooper?

You know what? I'm just a little bit late.

I'm so sorry. No, I'm a huge fan.

Would you sign your book for me, please?

You know what? I don't normally sign my book.

It's weird. It's just a little bit of a karma thing for me.

This book is like my bible.

Bible? Yeah, I can't remember the last time I've read something with this much truth in it.

Yeah, well, Dostoyevsky is a pretty truthful guy.

And humor -- It's got that, too.

It does. You're touching me a lot.

Oh. Sorry.

It's okay. You're -- You're still doing it, though.

O-oh, sorry.

That's okay.

Here's a pen right here.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Um, what's your name, there?

Matt. M-a-t-t.

Okay, Matt.

Bittman. B-i-t-t-m-a-n.

You know, you're just a -- Just a little bit of dis--

Sorry.

You're still --

[CHUCKLING] Sorry.

Still too --

You know what, Matt? Here you go.

I'm just gonna, uh...

Thanks, man. Thank you.

It was nice to meet you.

Matt, good luck to you, buddy.

You too. Okay.

Thanks, man.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[LAUGHS]

Like I was saying before, his TV is old.

They're not gonna have the same one.

Hey, don't lose focus on me, all right?

We couldn't be more prepared than we are right now for this moment.

All right, you know why you're here.

And that's because some of this is your fault, so let's --

None of it is my fault.

You helped break the TV.

What? No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

Didn't.

Did.

Didn't.

Did.

Didn't.

Double did.

You know what? Why don't you just shop for yourself?

Why don't you shop for yourself?

Whoo! Turnaround's a bitch, right?

Whatever.

Hello.

Is this close? [SCOFFS]

If I was blind, I would know that that's not even close.

Is it smaller?

It's bigger.

Wait, look, who's leading the adventure, you or me?

All right? It's me.

Hello, and how can I help you gentlemen?

Yes. Do you do layaway?

You do know that layaway means you get it later?

I have this covered. Please.

Well, we do offer financing.

You'll just have to let me do a quick credit check.

Yeah, I, um... [SMACKS LIPS]

I'm more of a, uh, cash kind of guy, so...

I see.

Perhaps you'd be interested in some of our refurbished models?

We're speaking the same dialect, man.

[BELLS JINGLE] Right this way.

I don't know -- He just sort of, like, reached out and kept touching my shoulder.

It was like he didn't even know he was doing it.

Weird form of Tourette's.

You want me to find him?

Have a little, uh, conversation with him?

No. No, no, no. He's completely innocuous.

I just -- I was wondering --

Yeah?

When you and I first met, you... um... touched a lot of my stuff.

But I never touched you.

No.

Just making that extra-clear.

Yeah, well, I appreciate that, d*ck, but I-I --

Okay, why did you touch my stuff?

Did it make you wonder why I was touching your stuff?

It did, as a matter of fact.

That's why I'm asking you about it now.

Did it make you wonder about me... touching yourself?

Y-y-yes.

Which is why I'm asking you about it now.

[LAUGHS]

I rest my case.

Unh.

What case?

Hi, sweetheart. Night-vision goggles.

Ohh! Check out this bad boy.

Wow. I don't know. That looks a little large, doesn't it?

Oh, can spot a butterfly tattoo on a Russian h**ker's ass at 500 yards.

I...don't even know how to respond to that.

Why would anyone want to see 500 yards?

That's like five football fields.

You don't want to get too close.

You, uh, you get in trouble that way.

d*ck, I don't want to get in trouble at all.

Listen, Mr. Cooper, you want to back out now, we can just, uh, call it a day.

We can wave at each other -- No harm, no foul, all right?

All I'm saying is that this whole thing started out innocently.

I went on this blind date, and I meet this fantastic woman, and I was hoping she was my blind date.

Turns out she wasn't. I got distracted.

By the time I got back to her, I missed my opportunity to get her, even... phone number.

And now, you know, it's like, it was this moment of, like, kismet, like, meaningful.

Like "When Harry Met Sally..." now we're talking about surveillance gear and -- And sn*per equipment.

It just f*cking feels like a Robert Ludlum book.

Who's that? Robert Ludlum.

He's like Tom Clancy.

Come again?

Okay. d*ck?

Oh. [SNAPS FINGERS] I get it.

You don't want to be too obtrusive, right?

Yes, yes. Thank you.

Right.

Listen...

[BELLS JINGLE]

If you're willing to go the extra mile, you're so close to getting your answer.

So close.

Really?

Oh, so close.

You sure?

Not really.

I mean, there are no sure things in my racket, but [LAUGHS] I got a good gut feeling, huh?

Okay.

All right, well, we've come this far.

Too late to turn back now, right? [LAUGHS]

Uh, I'm gonna need your card.

Yeah. Sure.

Attaboy.

Bag it up, sugar.

All right, lift.

I am. I'm lift--

Lift up.

I'm lifting --

Well, higher.

I am -- I'm lifting -- He's taller than me.

No, he's not.

Well, he's younger, but he's got the --

The supple spine, so he's stretching.

I'll stoop.

No, you don't stoop. You stretch.

Stoop. Stoop is a -- That's a funny --

Carter, lift!

Jesus. I'm sorry.

I got this.

All right. Let me -- I got this.

I got it. Back -- back away.

I got this.

I don't got it. I don't got it!

I got it. No, I got it now.

I got it. Back away.

I want this. I need it! I need it.

All right.

That's not bad.

It's close.

Yeah.

Close, but it's not close enough. The tilt is wrong.

It's coming --

I got an idea.

Yeah. Let me just --

Careful, Сarter.

You got in trouble last time with the tilt.

I'm faster, I'm smarter, I'm stronger.

Here.

Try this.

Use a book to wedge the tv?

Got a better idea?

Yes, Сooper's downfall is our savior.

Good book.

Thank you.

Shadrach: Easy, now.

I got it. I got it.

Okay, gently.

I got it.

I've never read his book. Good?

Goo-- well, if by "good," you mean "ruined his life," yes, it's a Pulitzer Prize Winner.

It ruined his life, it ruined his engagement, lost his license.

It's a wonderful book.

Here.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

That's pretty good.

Shadrach: Yeah, it looks good.

Yeah.

Think he'll buy it?

So, where does she live?

Across the street, second floor, above the luncheonette sign.

So, wait a second. We're just gonna be like Peeping Toms?

No, it's only peeping if you don't know the person you're peeping on.

Well, otherwise, it's what?

Surveillance.

All right, so... are you sure it's Natalie?

Like I told you before, pal, there's no sure things in this racket, only educated guesses.

So, just -- Let me get this straight.

We are going to peep --

Surveil.

All right, into that woman's window on a hunch that we hope she is the woman that we think she is?

You got a better idea?

Yeah, why don't we just go buzz the door and see if it's her?

That's silly. Nobody puts their first name on the buzzer.

That's because people like their privacy, man!

Hey, no need to get belligerent. You hired me, pal.

Sorry. You're right. I'm sorry.

I-I'm just feeling a little second-guessy about the whole thing.

Feels weird, you know?

What if we're out together and she says, "How'd you find me?" and I say, "Well, I don't know.

I hired a private investigator and stared at you through your window with a telescope in the park."

[LAUGHS] Why the hell would you say that?

Because I would want to be honest with her.

All right? I don't want to find her under false pretenses.

That's, like, bad karma.

That's stupid.

Okay. That's great. Thanks.

Oh! She's pretty.

Okay, take it easy, will you?

Got a nice figure.

Hey, d*ck, knock it off.

Okay, you're not a guy who takes risks. I get that.

What are you talking about? I'm taking a risk right now.

I could go to jail for stalking.

No, you couldn't.

Okay, let's do this. Y-you describe her to me.

Okay. Brown hair.

What color brown?

Brown.

That's very helpful.

What color are her eyes?

You didn't pay enough for equipment for the eye color.

Aw, man.

I don't -- I...

[SIGHS]

Okay, let me look. Just let me look.

Okay.

It's not her.

You sure?

Yeah, 100% -- Not her.

That's too bad.

God.

How did this work with Carter's brother?

What was that relationship?

Ah, client privilege.

Okay, you know what? I'm out of here, man. This is weird.

Okay. Send you a bill.

Okay, great, yeah. Thanks for everything.

Oh! Now she's taking off her sweater.

Okay, you know what? Don't do that.

Want to have a look?

No, I don't want to have a look, and I don't want you to have a look, either.

Get your eye out of this thing. You're a scumbag!

Don't touch me.

You know what, man?

You know what? I'm taking this.

What are you doing?!

I paid for it. It's my telescope.

I'm taking it to my house.

Hey! You owe me $1,000 for services rendered.

[HORN BLARES]

Hey, d*ck.

Yep -- still a d*ck!

Hi, Natalie.

He'll know.

He might not. It's not that different.

No, he's gonna know. He's smarter than me.

He's most definitely smarter than me.

"Than I."

Huh?

"Smarter than I... am."

You said "Me."

Yeah. He's smarter than me.

Yeah. It keeps the relationship in harmony.

He's smart.

And you're not.

Okay, you -- Down a few notches.

If he doesn't figure it out, he's gonna get his private d*ck to investigate.

What?

What?

Carter?

Cooper hired a private investigator to find Natalie.

The accountant?

Yes.

He's not an accountant.

Yeah, I figured that out, Shadrach.

Right.

"Idiots" isn't a strong enough word for you two.

You know what? I'm gonna tell him.

Carter?

The truth will set me free.

The truth will get you locked out of his apartment.

Maybe.

Don't tell him!

I'm -- what do you mean, don't tell him?

I'm telling him! You're gonna tell him --

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh, ge-- okay.

Okay, "A," stop showing up at my apartment, "B," please respect my privacy, "C" -- I broke your TV.

What?

[SIGHING] I broke your TV.

What are you talking about? It's fine.

Yeah, Carter. You're tripping.

He's been tripping, like, all day.

Okay, guys, will you trip somewhere else, please?

It's not cool to inv*de my privacy like this.

Diane: You know what?

Cooper: It's against the law.

Cooper: It's breaking and entering.

Diane: You are absolutely right, Jackson.

We're gonna go.

Thank you.

Yeah. Let's bounce.

Yeah, we'll all just go to our respective apartments.

Right, carter?

Yeah.

That's you. Go.

All right.

Well, maybe we should hang out --

No, I don't think so.

Okay.

Watch a little TV?

Not tonight.

Okay.

I b--

Carter?

Okay. All right.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[Beth Thornley's "Wash You Clean" plays]

♪ You run it rich, that carburetor ♪
♪ You got to open, open that choke ♪
♪ 'Cause when you're here, the air, it won't clear ♪
♪ 'Cause you just blowin', just blowin' smoke ♪
♪ You got a blue-feather bird on a golden swing ♪
♪ Wears a ruby-tipped crown, but it don't sing ♪
♪ You keep bringin' me gifts like it ain't no thing ♪
♪ But I thought you said goodbye ♪
♪ I thought you let, let that bird fly ♪
♪ There it goes ♪
♪ Baby, I can't wash you clean ♪
♪ You got a match, well, I got the gasoline ♪
♪ Baby, redemption ain't free ♪
♪ You gonna need more than you can get from me ♪
♪ This river's dry, baby, can't wash you clean ♪
♪ You got a new monkey bangin' some tambourine ♪
♪ It's got some big button eyes, it's made of velveteen ♪
♪ You just want me to know you got all you need ♪
♪ But am I okay alone? ♪
♪ 'Cause here's a monkey ♪
♪ If I need company, nice monkey ♪
♪ Baby, I can't wash you clean ♪
♪ You got a match, well, I got the gasoline ♪
♪ Baby, redemption ain't free ♪
♪ You gonna need more than you can get from me ♪
♪ This river's dry, baby, can't wash you clean ♪