01x01 - The Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Okay, we're in second.

Hands at 10 and 2. You keep it nice and straight till we get a little bit of speed.

I got this. Relax.

Okay, just listen, all right?

Then you take your foot off the clutch when I say so, and you're gonna hear it start.

Then I turn.

No, you just... no, you step on the brake, okay?

And we come to a nice, gentle stop.

When do I turn?

You don't turn.

I'm a good Turner.

That's... hey, make sure he understands exactly what you're saying.

Babe, I got this. Relax.

Sorry. Sorry.

Delilah, sweetie, let's get out of the road.

This is an active highway.

[Crow cawing]

All right, come on no. Let's get some.

Ready? Count of three. One, two, three. [Grunts]

[Grunting]

[Strained voice] Ugh, it's not going anywhere!

I really feel like I should be steering.

Nope. I need you pushing... harder.

You're so quick to give up on pushing.

Excuse me?

I guess that's why we weren't born vaginally.

Well, you have a perfectly shaped head, so you're welcome.

What the...

[Sighs] All right.

Are you stepping on the brake or something?

Yep, nice and hard.

Ugh. Why would you do that?!

You said to.

I said after you started.

I'm trying my best.

That's the disappointing part, Honey.

Baby.

Sorry.

What?

Okay, we're good.

So A.M. or F.M.?

No, no radio.

10 and 2. Clutch. Okay? When I say, pop it.

Pop.

Pop it.

Pop it.

You got this.

Clutch.

[Claps hands]

All right, here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go.

Got it?

Yep. Whoo! [Grunts]

[Grunts] [Laughs] Yeah!

Now we're cooking without gas. [Laughs]

All right, pop it!

What?

Pop the clutch!

Which one's the clutch?

Robin: The one your foot is on!

[Engine starts]

Yeah! All right! Yes!

I knew it would work! Okay, nice, easy brake!

What?

No, that's the gas!

What?!

Gas!

Oh, god, he's drifting. Turn, turn it!

No! Brake!

Turn, no brake?

Brake!

Turn it!

Brake!

Jared! Oh, my god!

[Panting]

[Gasps]

This is the best vacation ever!

[Sighs deeply]

Man: ♪ somewhere behind the mountains ♪
♪ There is a place I figured out... ♪

[music warps, rewinds]

[Whirring sound]

[Whispering] Okay, guys, let's jackets on, jackets on.

Jackets on. Switch the arm.

I think I'm gonna take half a sleeping pill.

Sounds great. Everybody can have a nice, long nap in the car.

Yeah, you know, I just wanna fall asleep on the plane and wake up on the beach. [Pills rattle]

Are you sure your sister's up for this?

Yeah, she's just watching the cat and making sure the house doesn't burn down.

[Laughs]

I'm a mess.

Yeah, no sh*t.

[Mouth full] You can leave Noonie with me.

I swear, she'll be safe.

I'm not even sure what she said.

She's more responsible than she looks.

[Groans]

Just call me if you have any questions, okay?

[Seat belt whirs]

Please don't k*ll her.

[Baby voice] I love you, little bunny.

Bye.

Why are we taking blue thunder?

It's our trip car.

We're going to the airport.

Yeah, that's a trip.

It's got a bad starter motor.

Hey, I'll stat her motor.

No. 3 in the morning. So not in the mood.

Sorry. I'm just... I'm really tired. Okay.

But I promise, we're gonna do it at least twice.

Wow.

Yeah.

Twice.

♪

[tires screech]

Man: [Southern accent] Whatchu doing there?

[Grunts]

Whatchu doing there?

What?

Whatchu doing there?

[Groans]

What time is your father... Nate? Nate?

What...

Hey. [Sighs]

Hey. What's going on?

No, no, no. Go back to sleep. It's fine.

Is that Punxsutawney Phil?

Yeah, that looks, uh, like him. Yeah, yeah.

I had to get gas, and the G.P.S. said the highway one was open, but I wasn't, so I had to keep driving.

Why are we in Penis-lavania?

It's Pennsylvania, you illiterate.

[Engine sputtering]

[Stammers]

No, no, come on, come on, come on.

No, get back in the car. Back in... [groans]

Come on, come on. What are you doing? [Car door closes]

She's pissed.

Baby, baby, baby, baby.

Tell me why I'm not on a plane right now.

[Horn blares]

Can we please just get back in the car and talk about this, please?

No, I'm trying to catch you..

Did you change the whole thing on me?

Are we still going to Florida? What's happening?

Yeah, of course we're going to Florida.

We're just driving.

But you didn't think to tell me that?

You fell asleep.

But we had plane tickets.

[Horn honks]

There's more pumps. Just go around!

Thanks so much. Thank you.

Truckers, right?

Whatchu doing there?

Sorry, what?

[Slurs] Whatchu doing there?

That made less sense. What?

[Slurs indistinctly]

[Speaks indistinctly]

Let's just go. Come on.

Babe, Babe, Babe, Babe, where are the plane tickets?

Hmm?

The... where are the plane tickets?

Okay, look, you were the one whose schedule was up in the air, right?

You made me buy the refundable tickets, which we can't afford... So I-I refunded them.

Oh, my god. Oh, my go. So you get the refundable tickets.

Oh, my god! Oh, my go! We can't afford refundable tickets!

I thought we retired "impulsive Nate."

I thought about this a lot, okay?

And I made a necessary financial decision.

So you're the decider now.

You don't talk to me about things.

We don't discuss thins anymore.

[Horn blares loudly]

Man: Whatchu doin' there?

Can we please just get back in the car?

We'll talk. We'll talk.

Whatchu doin' there?

Yes, exactly. What am I doing here?

Ugh.

I...

All right. Ha ha. [Car door opens]

Whoo! [Singsongy] Road trip!

Yeah!

[Laughs]

[Engine sputtering]

[Engine turns over]

Here we go. Here we go!

[Shifts gears]

["Let's go" by He's My Brother She's My Sister playing]

♪ Well, let's go let's go ♪
♪ Let's say goodbye let's leave ♪
♪ Let's leave let's find our peace ♪
♪ Let's go ♪
♪ Let's go ♪

Jared, what do we got for breakfast, huh?

Give me options.

Um, Banana Creamery.

Says it's the best shake joint in the county.

Ice cream for breakfast sounds like vacation to me, What do you say, Duper D?

Whatevs.

Robin: Something's going on.

Are you having a mid-life crisis?

Nate: No.

Do you have a new wife? A secret wife.

I... well, she's not a secret anymore.

No. Is she pretty?

She's younger.

Not what I asked.

She's beautiful, actually. No.

Yes. No, no, no, she's...

[Horn blares, tires squeal]

Oh, my god! What is this guy's problem?

Pennsylvania drivers... they're the worst!

You know, I tried to figure out a way to not go through Pennsylvania.

Like on an airplane?

[Australian accent] Who's up for a game of accents, huh?

From down under. Huh..

That's the hardest one for me.

I know. That's why I chose it.

Come on now. Momsy, I know you love it.

[Australian accent] I didgeridoo.

Oh, there she is. There's Momsy.

I am wonderin', though, if maybe Daddy hasn't lost his marbles.

Well, this game backfired on me, but we're in luck.

There's the Banana Creamery. Get excited. Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Children: Whoo!

Jared: Banana!

What kind of ice cream place is this?

Adrian P. says the cherries are poppin'.

Hey, if the truckers eat here, you know it's gonna be good.

Well, truckers also urinate in empty jugs and then fling them at hitchhikers.

I don't think they do that.

That's awesome!

Can I be a trucker when I grow up?

Yeah, you can be whatever you want when you grow up.

How about an orthodontist?

This is gonna be great. How great is this?

When do we ever get to do this?

Kids! Can you wait, please?

I'm going to the bathroom!

See? They're always running away from us.

This is our chance to dial in, connect as a family.

Okay.

Become better parents.

Okay, look, you feel like you need to speak in cliches' to justify what you did, that's great. That's fine.

But you know what? Just for the record, we're great parents.

["Get low" by Dillon Francis and D.J. Shake playing]

♪ Get, get, get, get low when the whistle go ♪
♪

♪ Get, get, get low when the whistle go ♪

[door creaks]

♪

What kind of a milkshake place was that?!

Um...

Uh... Uh...

Banana Creamery? Are you kidding me with this?

Well, I didn't pick it.

Why did all those girls have wedgies?

But I should've noticed the banana spanking the girl.

Hey! I got child protective services on speed dial.

Do I need to use it?

No.

Oh, god. Where's Delilah?

[Sighs]

[Muffled rock music playing]

You gotta be kidding me.

I can't believe you're making me pay a cover for this.

Bathrooms are for paying customers only.

I mean, with a name like this, it must happen all the time.

Not really.

What is this? A 30% service fee?

That's not legal.

That's standard... I-I've heard.

♪ But I'm the one... ♪
♪

♪ I'm the one who makes you feel alive ♪

Excuse me? Excuse me, Miss?

Are one of you girls using the toilet stall as a babysitter again?

'Cause if so, Donnie's gonna flip.

I just really need my mom.

Baby, girl, we all do.

I think I got my period.

[Gasps] Okay, what's your mom's name?

Robin.

Do you know her stage name?

Mommy?

[Camera shutter clicks]

You're a mean person.

Friendly reminder... don't touch the girls.

"If you'd like naked women, this place has naked women."

Why didn't you red that one?

I thought it was a joke.

Why would a milkshake place have naked women?

"Girl popped a bottle of champagne with her a-s-s."

My god, man, you don't have to be Colombo to figure out this isn't an ice cream place.

I'm not Colombo, okay?

I'm not gonna discover America.

I just wanna get back inside and get an ice cream.

No!

Why?!

Because you're not old enough for this...

Particular flavor of sadness.

[Gravel crunching]

You guys got rocky road?

Actually, I think she works over at Chubby's now.

I'm not explaining that.

Man: ♪ set it off, set it off, set it off ♪

So every 28 days, it comes like clockwork, if you're regular...

Delilah, sweetie, oh, my god.

Honey, are you okay? What are you doing here?

What's going on?

It's cool. She got her menses, but don't worry. She handled it like a pro.

[Gasps] Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you.

It's okay.

Oh. [Mouths words]

Don't worry. We showed her the ropes.

Oh, well, thank you so much. What's your name?

Vagabondage.

Well, thank you... Andrea.

Vagandrea with a "V."

That's what I thought you said.

Excuse me. There's no girls out on the dance floor.

You think I can...

Slow your roll, Marty Ray.

We're having a moment here.

Yeah, raincoater... [bleep] off.

[Women gasp]

Nope. Let's go. Time to go.

[Women speaking at once]

Thank you so much. Thanks so much.

Bye!

...Come in here and talking about...

Hey, what's wrong? What happened?

Can we just not talk about it, please? It's fine.

Tell me everything you saw in there.

How many boobs did you see?

I don't know. 57.

Your daughter has, um, well...

She's a... She's entering a new phase in her life.

What? She got her...

She... Super D, you got your P... in... in there? That's... So unfortunate.

But wow.

Got her what?

Congratulations.

For what? Why doesn't anyone tell me anything?

My baby can have babies now.

I mean, don't you go having babies.

[Laughs]

Good luck trying to find some sucker who wants to hatch the eggs in that ugly forehead, huh?

What?

I said, try finding a dude who wants to grapple with this old baby hatch. [Laughs] Ow.

Do you not know where babies come from?

Yeah, I do.

I thought you said you explained this to him.

I did. I did. You said you knew.

I do. Toddy down the street told me.

Toddy's 7!

Guy's cool. He's got his own trampoline.

Playa sit drops like a boss, like six in a row.

What are you talking about?

What? Toddy talks like that.

Can we please just leave?

Yes. Give me the keys. I'll drive.

Let's go. Let's go.

All right.

Let's go. Come on.

Hold up, you guys.

Threw together a little care package for you... a few womanly essentials.

Got you some lip balm, some O.T.C. painkillers.

[Pills rattle] Wipes, more wipes, some scented sprays to keep the undercarriage in order.

This one smells like bubble gum.

This one's bubble gum with glitter.

Okay.

Now this one smells like...

I will take that. I'll just take that. Thank you.

Careful. The cap's loose.

Oh, it is loose.

Can I see you pop a bottle of champagne with your ass?

What? No.

No. No.

I am so sorry about that.

What?

Y'all are terrible parents.

Makes me glad I never knew mine.

[Van door slides shut]

Do we owe you money, by any chance?

[Scoffs]

♪

I'm just thinking out loud here, but we've gotten off to a really rough start.

I mean, should we even be going on this trip?

Both: What? Why? What do you mean?

The kids have been looking forward to this.

Have they?

Yes. Of course.

You didn't even wanna go till you found out Chaz is gonna stay in the same resort as us.

Right, like you weren't all, "see you there, Chaz! Let's grab some waves in Fort Liquordale, Chaz."

Hey, can we, uh, be quiet there in the back?

I'm trying to talk to your dad about this.

[Sighs]

I don't know if I'm prepared for 20 more hours of this.

It's only 17.

The car reeks from the kindness of strippers, don't you think?

They're dancers.

Don't shame sex trader worker.

See that?

I did not pick that restaurant.

No.

I wanna go flamingo fishing.

You don't fish for flamingos.

Yeah, you do. Toddy told me.

Toddy's an idiot. Why do you listen to him?

He says he's the oracle.

That's what an idiot would say!

Guys, please, we're having a discussion.

The grownups are having a discussion, okay?

Just relax.

Telling me to relax is the least relaxing thing you can do right now.

I know. You're just being a little harsh with them.

I'm not mad at them.

This is kidnapping.

Give me the marker.

[Country music playing]

There's a flying J on 13.

Wonder if they have that double nozzle in the shower.

Oh, yes, they do.

[Both laugh]

Jerry, oh, my god. Look.

_

What are we gonna do?

Okay, get County Mountie on the blower.

I'm gonna drop back and follow 'em.

Breaker 1-9, 10-37 in progress.

We've got a situation on route 7.

Bring it back.

Man: That's a big 10-4, Ginger Drapes.

♪

I just don't think we should make any rash decisions on an empty stomach, okay?

You know, let's stop and get a bite to eat at an actual restaurant...

Go around me.

Go around. There's plenty of room.

God. Truckers. Go around!

It's fine.

♪

Wait. Where are you going? This is not the way.

We go straight.

He's following us.

He's not following. Why would anyone wanna follow us?

I don't know. To carjack us.

r*fle through our bags and steal our jewelry, perhaps.

Why would you even bring the good jewelry?

I told you not to bring the good jewelry.

And I told you I wanted to fly.

[Truck engine revs]

Call 9-1-1, Jared.

Um, what's the number?

How is that my job to teach him that?

Your job was police and stranger danger stuff.

Ah, I got no bars. Neither do I.

That's okay. I'm gonna shake him.

That's your shake move? Pull over?

Don't stop.

Sorry! I don't know what else to do.

Kids, get down, get down.

Mommy's not gonna let anything bad happen to you.

Okay, I'm gonna find out what the hell this guy wants.

Okay, but be careful. I love you.

I love you.

Oh!

And I'm sorry I lied to you. That was so stupid.

It really was. Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

All right. Hey!

Easy, sweetie.

I got you, baby.

Just so you know, the police have been called!

We called the police, and they're on their way!

No, we called them... On you!

We got your plates!

We got your plate!

What?

Just tell 'em it was a joke, like a goof.

I'm pretty sure this particular goof is a federal crime.

What do you want from us?!

Babe, I got this. Relax.

Would you please stop telling me to relax?

I'm just trying to control the situation out here, baby.

So, so condescending no matter what the situation is.

Okay, stranger danger... my thing, right?

Okay, fine, then take care of it.

Okay, hey!

What do you want from us?!

Give us the children!

What?

What?

The kids!

Give us the kids, and nobody gets hurt!

Oh, sh*t. All right.

Oh, god. Okay.

All right, you want somebody?

All right, kids, listen to me. Listen to me.

On my signal, I want you to run into the woods.

Run as fast as you can, okay?

I love you. I love you so, so much.

Come on, pal. Come on, huh?

Who's the tough guy? Give you some of that!

Don't! Hey! Hey!

You step back in that truck, and you drive away right now!

I'm afraid I can't do that, sir, not until I have those kids.

All right, guys, we're getting the hell out of here.

[Engine sputtering]

Nate: I got a purple belt in taking names and kicking ass!

Nate!

What?

I got it!

What?

Get in!

Don't let 'em get away.

Open the door!

Go around!

Open the door!

Go around! Get... go... there's a truck! There's a truck!

[Horn blares]

Oh, my god.

That's Pete.

Oh! He's got a go!

Quick, get down, get down, get down.

I blocked 'em in, Jer!

[Flare hisses]

It's fine. It's a flare g*n!

I think they might really take us!

I don't wanna live with truckers!

They use jugs as bathrooms.

Guys, come on. Come with me.

Okay, I love you. I love you.

Little boy, you can trust us.

Yeah, she's a former marine, and she's a volunteer firefighter.

You are not taking our children!

Those aren't your kids!

What? What are you talking about?!

I don't know, but you stay away from my family!

Ohh!

[Groaning]

[Retching]

What is that... ohh!

[Groaning continues]

[Sputters Oh, god!

[Sputters, retches]

What is wrong with truckers?!

There's more where that came from!

Stop! It's our fault! We did it!

These are really our parents!

Yeah, it was a joke! Don't take us!

What the [Bleep] is that?!

Who are you?!

What is wrong with you?!

She did I!

I'm sorry. I'm on my period.

[Sighs] Oh, god. Oh, my...

That is a mix-up to end all mix-ups, huh?

Oh, my god. And you fell for it.

That's... And now I'm cov... but that's on us. That's on us.

Listen, I'm sorry. As you can see, they're actually really our kids.

Prove it.

Oh, yeah. No, I don't think...

I don't think you can do that. It's... just... they're ours.

They came outta her.

Robin: Yeah.

Yeah, he planted the seeds in her forehead, and then the eggs grew and ate the seeds, then the seeds split into two, and then they popped out of her tummy scar 12 years later, so...

Son? These people drug you?

No, but my mom takes dr*gs.

No, no, no. It's half... half a sleeping pill.

It's not... it's not really dr*gs.

Folks, do you... do you have kids?

Why? Do you wanna abduct them, too?

God, no. God, no.

No, we have enough. Uh, if... if you had kids, you'd know they do stupid things all the time, and you're left to clean up the mess.

What do you mean, we do stupid things?

You are the king of stupid things!

Hold on. Do you think right now is really the time to hash that out, young lady?

Yeah, I do.

'Cause you get us all excited to go on this awesome beach vacation in Fort Lauderdale, and then you just stick us in the stupid car!

This was a financial decision we made, honey.

Together.

And then you take us to a milkshake joint that has no milkshakes and show us some naked boobs and then drag us out.

That's... Not in context.

Uh...

We're sorry for the, uh, mix-up.

No, that's... No! Oh, god, no, please.

That's on us. Thank you.

Honey, I was saying earlier, truckers are the nicest people.

That was a quote. That's a quote. Good people.

Well, I mean, it's not like we think you're terrible parents.

Mm. [Chuckles] But, um...

Yeah.

Well, thank you.

That's not a compliment.

No.

Oh. [Engine starts]

♪

[exhales]

Okay. Democracy rules.

Everybody gets a vote this time.

Do we go north or south?

Do we cut our losses, go back home?

Or do we drive hard and have six full days on the beach?

Like a bird of winter, we fly north to the beach.

I really should have absorbed you in utero.

We vote south.

Babe?

Hmm?

Yeah, sure.

Just know I know there's something you're still not telling me.

♪

You're fired.

There's no need for a perp walk, all right?

It's called trying to save the company, you dicks!

That's my stuff! That's my stuff.

[Horn honks in distance]

I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay.

Now let's get the hell out of Penis-lavania, huh?

Told you it's called that.

Shut up.

[Engine sputtering]

Let's go.

Hold up. [Clears throat]

[Continues sputtering]

It's fine. It happened the other day.

I just have to get out and give it a little push. Can I steer?

Teach my boy how to drive on a family vacation?

[Mouths words]

Sounds like we're about to make some memories.

Yeah. Whoo! Go on. Get some!

The car still works. It's just in a ditch.

We're still gonna have five and a half solid days at the beach.

Are we bad parent?

What? No.

The fact that you would even ask that question makes you a great parent.

Okay.

You're the best.

Well.. Well... Close.

[Both laugh]

And it's not our fault that he's such a shitty driver.

Well, he's only 11, so...

Still pretty shitty. Yeah. Yea.

All right, guys, let's saddle up, huh?

Grab a bag.

Going for a hike.

Jared: Come on, get some!

Nate: Look at that sunset.

You're not gonna see that from a plane.

No, an airplane is pretty much the best place to see a sunset, but keep selling me on the road trip.

[Scottish brogue] Another game of accents?

Maybe from the Highlands of Scotland?

Robin: [Scottish brogue] Aye, now there's an accent I can do.

Delilah: You sound more like a pirate.

Jared: Yeah, right, like she can fly a plane.

Nate: Sounds like someone needs a hearing aid.

So that's pretty much the story.

You know, it was a bumpy start for sure, but, uh, couple of days later, we were on the beach, and we were all a little closer because of it.

Oh, cut it with the "we all learned a lot" bullshit.

This isn't a good-natured exposé on the inner workings of the modern family dynamic, Mr. Parker.

This is a federal investigation.

Now I want details.

Um... What exactly is going on here?

Do I need a lawyer?

I don't know. Do you?

I don't know. I just asked you that question, and you just answered my question with another question.

Did I?

You just did it again.