01x05 - Sal Maldonado

[bunniefuu]

[rock music playing]

[Coughing]

I like you're style, man.

Like your style.

[Siren wailing]

Ah, f*ck.

f*ck.

[Police radio chatter]

Ah, you m*therf*cker.

[Music continues, muffled]

[Music stops]

You have any idea how fast you were going there?

No.

Is that marijuana you're smoking?

Yeah.

Sir, do you have any idea what the penalty in Nevada is for driving under the influence of cannabis?

I would imagine it might not be too good.

Sir, step out of the car, please.

Oh, what the f*ck with this guy over here now.

Step out of the car, please.

All right. f*ck.

Can you recite the alphabet for me?

10, 9, 8, 7...

[laughs]

You f*ckin'...

Get the f*ck over here.

How you been, Dice?

"You know how fast you were f*cking going?"

I'm good. Here. Go ahead.

Yeah, okay.

Go ahead. Yeah, go ahead.

Mm.

Just take one long hit and give it back.

No, no, I got to take tiny puffs.

I'm on the job. Mm, did I tell you?

Guess who I arrested last Tuesday.

Who?

My first celebrity pull-over... f*cking Sam Aykroyd.

Sam Aykroyd.

Mm.

Who's that?

Ghostbust... "Coneheads."

Little movie called "The Great Outdoors."

You know what? I think you're smoking too much.

That's Dan Aykroyd.

No, no, this guy's name was Samuel... Samuel.

Exactly, you got the wrong f*cking guy.

Well, f*ck, I got his autograph for my kid.

What the f*ck am I supposed tell my kid?

Don't worry about it.

[police radio chatter]

All right, I got to get back to work.

What are you doing? There's half a f*cking joint there.

What are you? Stupid?

f*ck, I'm sorry, man. I'm just so high right now.

[Rock music plays]

Oh!

[Crowd chanting "Dice"]

Top of the world, ma.

♪ ♪
♪ Right now it isn't right ♪

No, it's no good. Did you hear that?

The acoustics sound like sh*t.

You guys might as well be playing underwater.

O-okay, it is what it is, dad.

Don't make us look like assholes.

You're right, you're right.

You guys just worry about your show, and I'll handle the acoustic situation.

I mean, I'm your manager.

Dad, there's really no situation.

Let me handle this.

Wheels, what are you doing?

Hey, Dice. How you doing, man?

No, I'm good. It's just, uh...

Feel the sound's a little off?

Ah, it sounds fine. You kidding me?

We got bands here every night.

I mean, Aerosmith played here. They didn't complain.

Early Aerosmith or late Aerosmith?

What's the difference? Aerosmith.

I'm telling you, Ronnie's a great sound guy.

Ronnie? Ronnie's not even listening.

He looks like he's trying to get blown.

Relax, it's all good. Here, try some of these.

Uh-huh.

[Chuckles]

These wings are fantastic here.

I'm glad you feel that way.

Look at this.

"Dice's favorite hot wings!"

With you face right in the middle.

Wait a minute. Wheels, that's not what we agreed on.

That was it.

You said you would vouch for my wings, and I would let the kids play.

That was the deal.

I said I'd vouch.

You said they were fantastic.

Yeah, fantastic's different than favorite.

Here, Aerosmith is fantastic, but Led Zeppelin is my favorite.

You understand?

Your wings are fantastic and nothing more.

All right, look, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to insult you.

I love the hot wings.

Let me go check on the sound guy, okay?

[Guitar strumming]

Uh, ex-excuse me. Uh, Can you give us a second?

Man's trying to do his job.

Oh, no, it's okay. This is my area. You can stay here.

No, just for... just for a minute.

Just for a minute. Thank you.

It's just...

What's with the cock block, Dice?

The sound is off.

You're not compensating for the acoustics.

What the f*ck does that even mean?

Do you know how many concert halls I played in my life?

This is a small place, you understand?

And it's too loud.

There's no room for the sound waves to travel.

Look, sound board isn't the problem if you catch my drift.

Yeah, and what drift is that?

You got a problem with the sound, you take it up with your kids.

Whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You... you don't know me, okay?

And I've been working on myself, so I'm gonna let that go, even though you're saying something about my boys.

Oh. It's about your boys all right.

It's about your boys sucking.

Who says that?!

I just did!

You m*therf*cker!

All right, all right, I got something special here.

Okay, look what I got now.

Coffee cake, candy apples, and blunts.

Look at that.

I know it don't make up for what happened.

Dad, we got to talk.

Look, that place was a sh*t hole with so-so hot wings, okay?

Moving on in the future as your manager, I'll be more discerning.

Andrew, can you just stop talking for a second?

They're trying to tell you something.

Look, we think it's time to bring someone else onto the team.

Andrew, I think maybe it's time.

Oh. All right.

Uh, how about... you know what?

I'll call Milkshake in the morning.

He could join the team. No, not Milkshake.

You're right, not Milkshake.

He'll just f*ck things up even more.

Can't we just table this discussion for another time?

Max: Actually, dad, an agent from L.A. reached out to us.

So, what is this?

Y-you're f*ring me?

No, but, uh, look, you put the f*cking sound guy's head through a subwoofer.

And I told you that'll come out of my end.

Look, something's got to change.

And this agent, he seems pretty cool.

His name's Brad Stevens.

Stevens?

Doesn't even sound like a real name.

Sounds like someone... some guy in the witness protection program.

Look, all we're asking is for you to meet with the guy.

Dad, you've been a great manager.

We just think we could use a little extra push.

All right. I get it.

All right, I'll meet with the guy.

♪ ♪

Hi, there.

Hey, how's it going?

Hi, there's reservation under Milkshake.

Mr. Milkshake?

Not Mr. Milkshake, just Milkshake.

She's making me... making me sound like a cartoon character.

No, no, no. It should be under Dice.

Are you by any chance the party of three for Brad Stevens?

It needs to be under Dice.

Well, either way, I have your table.

You're the first to arrive. I can seat you now.

Let's do this.

No, no, no, no, no.

No?

What is this?

We show up on time, this guy shows up late... it's the ultimate power play.

Let's go back to the truck.

I'm... I'm starving, man.

You know, the Kobe beef's supposed to be off the chain here.

I don't give a sh*t.

I got Swedish Fish in the car you could snack on.

Wait, what if we order first, and then it's like the meeting started without him?

That's the ultimate power play, right?

The ultimate power play.

We order, we eat, f*ck him.

That's what makes you a genius. Come on.

Come on.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

What is that?

It's A.1. Sauce.

Sir, we have a policy that outside food isn't allowed.

Pr-pretend like you didn't see it, okay?

But I have seen it.

And now that I've seen it, I can't unsee it.

I'll put it back in my purse.

Just bring us two orders of Kobe beef, okay?

We're out of the Kobe beef.

What is this?

I feel like the whole universe is telling me to go f*ck myself.

Are you sure there's no Kobe beef?

Because I was told by Sal Maldonado to come here.

Sal Maldonado told me to order the Kobe beef, you know?

And I think Sal Maldonado would be pretty upset if he found out that we came here and we didn't get any Kobe beef.

Perhaps there is some Kobe beef left.

Um, I will go check.

Who the f*ck is Sal Maldonado?

Nobody, I made him up.

Whenever I need something, I just drop the name Sal Maldonado.

Sounds all mobbed up, and then they bring me whatever I want.

f*cking idiot.

Looks like we managed to find some Kobe beef after all.

Feel free to use as much A.1. Sauce as you like.

Sal Maldonado... I can't believe that f*cking worked.

Hey, Dice, let me ask you something.

How much do you think Kobe Bryant makes every time someone buys his Kobe beef?

You're kidding, right?

Kobe Bryant has nothing to do with Kobe beef.

Let me ask you this.

We've eaten a lot of beef in our lives.

Yeah, so?

Well, did you ever hear of Kobe beef before Kobe Bryant started playing ball?

You know what?

You're blowing my mind right now.

You know, we got to come up with a steak like... we'll come out with the Dice steak.

The cubes, the pepper...

How's everyone doing? I'm Brad Stevens.

Sorry I'm late.

Uh, it's okay.

We started the meeting without you.

Yeah, we ordered food already.

Yeah, want to see a menu?

Nope, nope, I don't eat in front of other people.

Hunger is a sign of weakness. Let's get to it.

Dice, simply put, I think your sons are savage.

Savage.

Yeah, they're savage... Stars.

Yeah, well, you know what? I think that, too.

Well, what you think isn't important, is it?

You're they're father.

You're meant to think the world of them.

That is your job. And I respect that.

I, on the other hand, have something called objectivity.

All right, hold on a sec.

I don't have time to hold on.

I'm on a mission, Dice, to transform your offspring into international superstars.

I'm not gonna stop until they're on the cover of Rolling Stone, until millions and millions of Asians are attempting to illegally download their music.

You know, that all sounds good, but to think...

No, no buts.

I'm not here to audition for you, Dice.

All right, that's now why I'm here.

Are you in or out?

You got five seconds to give me an answer.

Five seconds?

When does that start?

What do you mean?

Well, can the five seconds start tonight so I get the night to think about it?

Well, that kind of defeats the purpose of a ticking clock.

Who's side are you on?

Look, I'm just testing you, okay?

Enough games... Are you in or out?

Yeah, I'm in. But let me tell you something.

Come here. Come here, come here.

You f*ck with my kids...

I'll k*ll you.

I would expect nothing less.

Now get out of here.

Get out of here. Walk away.

[Pounding]

Wow.

Right, babe?

It's really starting to look like a... a recording studio.

Wait, where'd you get all the egg cartons?

Oh, over at Costco.

You bought actual egg cartons with eggs inside?

Yeah, as opposed to what?

I mean, might you have to come up with some new egg dishes, but, you know, you're good like that.

I think it's great what you're doing, but don't you think maybe it's time to just give the boys some space?

[Sighs] I know, I know.

If kids don't learn to grow up on their own, they can become codependent.

Codependent, right?

Codependency is actually what I'm looking for.

Except then they grow up, and they don't know how to take care of themselves.

Yeah, and that's where I'll fit in.

I-I'll take care of them.

Andrew.

Listen, I'm not stupid.

I know they're gonna grow up.

I know they're gonna move out one day.

Why do you think I'm letting them work with this, uh, Brad Stevens?

This assh*le, right?

You know, Carmen, you know what the...

What the f*ck is this?

Hey, Dad.

Hey. What's going on?

Come here, I want to show you something.

I had some spare time today.

I turned the whole garage into a recording studio.

Yeah, you know what?

This is the perfect place to work on stuff when we're not working in a top-of-the-line professional recording studio.

Is that a barrel full of eggs?

Yeah, it is.

Where are you guys coming from?

We just had a meeting with Roc-A-Fella Records.

Really?

Yeah, we did do our best to Skype you in, Dice.

Why do you got to Skype me in?

What, do I live in Timbuktu?

You tell me where it is, and I'll be there.

Dillon: All right, all right. Relax, dad.

Brad, can we just have a second with him?

Yeah, yeah, say no more. I'll just roll calls.

Roll calls, this m*therf*cker.

Dad, we're sorry.

All right. All right.

I mean, the whole thing kind of came together real quick.

But the meeting went great.

Really?

Yeah.

That's really great. That's really great.

[Rock music playing]

I don't know, guys. I'm beside myself with my sons.

I'm really going through it with them.

Man: That's why I left my kids before they could leave me.

I was like, "Oh, no you don't. I'm abandoning you."

I'm... I'm just kidding.

You know, it's more about my broken relationship with their mother.

They live in Flagstaff. They're doing great.

I don't have any kids.

That I know of.

I happen to be best friends with my boys.

Marvin: Yeah, my kids used to be my best friends, but then this medicinal marijuana came around, and they don't need me anymore, so they're gone.

Well, that's the thing... I do party with them.

I do hang out with them. We spend a lot of time.

I don't have any kids.

That I know of.

Really?

You know, what you do with grown kids?

Guilt trip. Make them feel guilty.

Make them feel like absolute sh*t.

And you're telling me that works?

Just destroy their self-esteem.

I mean, they're gonna hate you, but at least you get the Father's Day cards.

My kids live with a guy named Chad, you know, and their mother.

But they call him dad.

I'm like, "Don't call him dad. His name's Chad.

It's close, but it's not the same.

Chad, dad... call him Chad."

I don't have any kids.

Milkshake. Really, give it a f*cking rest, would you, please?

♪ ♪

[Door opens]

Max: And hopefully she responds, but it's kind of out of my control.

[Door closes]

Hey, Dad. What are you doing up?

Uh, just waiting for you guys.

What, were you out with that, uh, Brad Stevens?

Yeah, yeah, he took us out.

Yeah? Had a good time? Nice guy?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, he's... he's pretty cool.

So, what are you saying?

What does that even mean? Your dad's not cool?

Come on, dad, don't be like that.

Don't be like that? Max, everything's changing.

You know, we don't hang out the way we used to.

We don't talk the way we used to.

The other night, we're sitting there, we're watching "Scarface," one of our favorites.

And you guys are watching with me, but I felt like... like you were thinking about him.

Brad's just a good agent.

Yeah, I mean the guy's savage.

He's savage?

It just means he's doing a good job.

I'm savage. I'll get you booked in... in a giant f*cking venue.

I mean, is that savage enough for you?

Woman: All right, what can I do for you, Dice?

What's going on?

Uh, you know what it is?

No, I'm like in a really good mood and everything.

I mean, in... in a way, it's almost like... like we're becoming family.

You know what I mean?

Like almost like my kids are your kids.

What are you getting at?

All right, I-I need a little favor, okay?

I need you to book my kids in the... in the big room.

Just for one night. Their band plays the big room.

It'll be incredible.

And you do that for me, I'll do anything you want.

Did I miss the part where your children excreted from my vag*na?

From what?

I said, "Did I miss the part where your children excreted from my vag*na?"

No, not really, not like that.

Like, not in a physical...

Okay, so they're not my kids.

Your kids are your kids.

And we are not in any way, any kind of family.

[Sighs] Okay.

You're a hard nut to cr*ck, I got to tell you that right now.

I mean, you know, honestly, you don't do this for me, you know, I'm gonna walk.

I mean, that's it, no more shows, no nothing.

I'm out of here, honey.

What are you thinking?

This is a f*cking high school?

You're under contract.

You will continue to dance every night like the f*cking monkey that you are.

You will tell your stupid jokes.

You will swing your tiny d*ck.

And you will not bother me with this bullshit anymore.

♪ ♪

[Water spraying]

Brad: Ah!

[Sliding door opens]

Hey, Snake Eyes.

What?

Do you get it? Dice... Snake Eyes.

Don't call me that.

Okay, I'll call you Snake 'cause snake is short for snake eyes.

Actually, it's much better... Snake.

Did your mother drop you on your f*cking head?

What did I say? I said don't f*cking call me that.

You're funny. All right, I got to get going.

The boys will fill you in on the good news.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you talking about?

What good news?

Yeah, I scored them a string of meetings with some A&R guys in L.A.

Quite big hitters actually.

And the best part is afterwards, we're gonna party at Skybar with Robin Thicke.

What? Why didn't you let me know what's going on?

I'm downloading you right now.

No, you're uploading me right now, right?

No, I'm downloading you. Trust me.

Oh, actually, while I have you here.

Yeah.

What's your take on Filipinos?

On... on Fili... What... what the f*ck?

Who gives a f*ck about Filipinos?

Exactly, that's what I keep saying.

Make sure you pack some extra underwear just in case you get stuck in L.A. for a few days.

You know, bring the nice ones.

I mean, you're gonna be hanging out with Alan Thicke over there.

It's, uh, Robin Thicke.

Uh, yeah, Alan Thicke, Robin Thicke, all the Thickes, you know?

The... You're gonna get laid.

Hey, thanks for being so cool about all this. I mean...

That's okay. I'm your father. You're my boys. Come on.

Hey, and check out that gift basket from Brad.

Oh, yeah.

A lot of cool stuff in there.

I mean, help yourself to some Toblerone.

Wait a minute. Did, uh...

Did Brad ask you to sign these?

Yeah, we got to mail those out.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'll... I'll... I'll handle this.

If there's one thing I know, it's contracts.

♪ ♪

[Siren wailing]

[Car door closes]

License and registration.

Please step out of the car, sir.

What seems to be the problem?

Please step out of the car.

Will you open the trunk for me, please?

Why? There's nothing in there.

Sir, would you please open the trunk for me?

See? We all good?

Will you get in trunk please?

What are you talking about?

Sir, I need you to step inside the trunk.

Why?

What are you?

Half deaf in both your f*cking ears?

Get in the f*cking trunk.

Wait, what the hell is going on?

Get the f*ck in the f*cking trunk!

You stupid f*ck.

No, no, no, no, no!

Hey, listen.

You think what we're doing here might be a little, uh, I don't know, excessive?

Stop it, will you?

It's, uh, some f*cking shenanigans. What are we doing?

'Cause I can get into a hell of a lot of trouble for this, you know? Excuse me!

Excuse me!

Give me that f*ckin' thing, you crazy f*ck.

[Stifled] This is gonna be fun.

Brad f*ckin' Stevens.

[Coughs]

Brad f*ckin' Stevens, assh*le.

♪ Huh! ♪

Let me ask you somethin'.

Yeah.

If I do that barbecue...

Yeah.

You're gonna bring the new girl, right?

Ohh, the new girl?

With those f*ckin' big cow tits?

Ohh.

You got to bring her.

You got any gum on you?

No, I got gum in the car.

We can go back.

[pounding on trunk]

Yeah. You listenin' to me right here?

Brad: Yes, I can hear you, but it's really hot!

Let me out!

Let me ask you somethin'.

Did you think for a split f*ckin' second that I would let you take my boy's royalties?

You're right. I made a mistake, okay?

I'm sorry. I really am.

Bullshit.

You know what, pal?

You better think very carefully about what comes out of this trunk in the next few seconds 'cause I will bury you out here, you understand?

Okay, okay. You're right.

Just let me out, and I'll have a new contract drawn up.

Yeah, if I let you out of here, I don't ever want to see you again.

Do you understand that?

I understand that.

Do you f*ckin' understand?

I understand that!

Yeah, you got that, Hollywood douche bag?!

Why'd you scream in my f*ckin' ear?

I feel like f*ckin' choking you to death, you understand?

I'm just doing the thing.

We're just f*ckin' around here.

All right, all right, all right.

All right, I'm gonna let you out.

G-go ahead. Let him out. Let this assh*le out.

[Trunk clicking]

What's going on?

Fob's not working.

What's the problem?

Uh, something's wrong here. One second. What fob?

I know. I'm hitting the button, but his car sucks.

What does fob mean? What's a fob?

The fob is the button. It's the trunk button.

That's what they call this? Really?

Yeah.

I never even that.

I'll be honest with you.

Yeah.

That's standard issue now.

Push the fob.

What's wrong with your, uh... your fob thing?

What the hell's going on?!

I don't know. The trunk's not open. Open the...

There's a lever in the front seat.

It's next to the driver's door.

Go check for the f*ckin' lever.

Guess I'll check the lever.

Is it working?

Does it look like it's working?

I'm clicking it. Is it working?

I'm pulling the lever.

Just...

[pounding on trunk]

What did you do?!

I didn't do anything.

What did you do?!

You got something stuck!

Hey, check this.

I'm sorry.

Your f*ckin' shirt is stuck in the f*ckin' thing!

Stop pulling against me!

The f*ck did he do?

I didn't do anything!

You can't even stay in your f*ckin' trunk like a normal person!

Get me out of here.

The f*ck are we gonna do?

I can't get it out of here.

The f*ck are we doing?

I don't know.

He's stuck in there. We got to get the trunk open.

I'm gonna f*ckin' die in here.

All right, you know what? You know what?

Let's just get in the f*ckin' car, take the car back to my house.

You got to help me.

I got tools there. I got a f*ckin' drill.

Get in the car. Get in the f*ckin' car!

All right! I'm getting in the car!

[Hard rock music plays]

He's been in there for awhile, and he hasn't made a peep.

There's not very much air back there.

This heat? I mean, this could be bad, Dice.

He could die back there.

He's not dead.

And if he's dead, uh, you know, it's like shenanigans that went bad. We didn't do nothing.

Wh... No, a dead body is more than shenanigans.

That's m*rder, Dice.

I'm a cop. You know what they do to cops in jail?

Would you just relax and pay attention to the road?

Yeah, that's easy for you to say.

You'll get up there, yeah, you'll just, you know, do your dirty nursery rhymes and be the most popular guy in the cellblock.

Oh, wait a minute here.

You're gonna sum up a 30-year career with just some dirty nursery rhymes?

[Music continues]

[Tires screeching]

Come on.

You got a f*ckin' drill?

It's on the floor. It's on the f*ckin' floor!

All right. Got it.

Come on. This f*ckin' guy.

What I went through with this motherfuck already.

Open the f*cking thing!

Aw, sh*t.

No, no, no, no.

f*ck!

I told you this was gonna happen!

Where we gonna bury this f*ckin' g...

Stand back. Stand back.

What?

Move.

[Grunting]

Yeah? Yeah.

[Sighs]

[Laughs]

Get over here, you crazy f*ck.

What the f*ck?

Hey, buddy.

f*ck you.

Just so... Just some harmless shenanigans, right, Brad?

Hey, you want a sandwich?

Come on. You're okay. Come on.

Now get the f*ck out of your trunk of your own car.

[Hard rock music plays]

♪ Yes, tonight I sing alone ♪
♪ 'Cause the world's unhappy ♪

How you doing, guys?

Wheels.

How are you?

These are on the house.

Send my best to, uh, Mr. Sal Maldonado.

Will do. Gentlemen, drink up.

Compliments of Sal Maldonado.

Cheers.

Cheers.

How you know Sal Maldonado?

I don't. I... He... He doesn't... He doesn't exist.

He sure does exist.

He's, like, one of the biggest gangsters in Atlantic City.

[Stammers] Bullshit.

I made... I made it... I made it... I made that up. I...

You didn't make it up, and I know for a fact that he's on his way, bringing part of his operation here to Vegas.

That's impossible.

I-I came up with that name out of thin air.

No, I mean, maybe you heard it somewhere before, you know, like, uh, the way Vanilla Ice stole that song from Queen?

You know, got in your head.

You... You never heard of the "Maldonado necktie"?

You know, they cut your d*ck and balls off, and they tie it all around your neck.

They're f*ckin' crazy.

He's messin' with you. assh*le.

I know. He's bullshitting. Come on, man!

He was bullshitting me. All right.

He was bullshitting you. What are you, stupid?

Trying to freak me out, here.

We could've done that forever.

Come on, now.

I don't need this now.

[Hard rock music plays]