01x01 - Episode One

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Lookalikes". Aired: July 20, 2015 to present.*
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"Lookalikes" follows Andy and the stars constant battle to survive in a competitive world of his Lookalikes Talent Agency in Eastbourne, which has around 270 d*ad ringers on its books.
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01x01 - Episode One

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(Morgan Freeman-type voice): This is Andy Harmer. He's been a David Beckham lookalike for the last 17 years. He now runs one of the biggest lookalike agencies in the UK and has a stable of over 270 d*ad ringers on his books.

Sometimes, being a lookalike can be confusing.

I get dreams where I really am David and then I wake up and I'm just a regular guy from Eastbourne. Being the owner of an agency isn't something I imagined myself doing and it's a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Phil, how's things?

Not very good.

Them jobs you've been giving me are total sh*t.

You've got the Edinburgh Student Union.

I'm not going north of the Wall.

The campsite down at Bushy Wood?

It's cold, Andy. Winter is coming.

Being the agency boss means that sometimes, I have to deal with some difficult egos.

Look, you're going to have to stop being so picky.

There's other Jon Snows out there who'd be happy to do these jobs.

Not as good as me and if you don't start utilising me services properly, we're going to have to leave.

Thursday morning and agency boss Andy's fielding calls for potential bookings.

Hello. Lookalikes.

I haven't actually got a Justin Bieber based in the UK. Good luck.


(phone rings)

Hello. Lookalikes. I'm sorry, I haven't got a Grimmy.

No, I could do with one, to be honest. I've got Fat Boy Slim. No?

Terry Wogan?

If I'm honest, the agency's not doing as well as I'd like.

Bookings are down.

I'm really sorry. We haven't got a Caitlyn Jenner.

We'd love to have him. I mean her.

In the lookalike business, you have to keep up with the times.

But with outdated acts on his books, profits are down.

Who's put that in there?

That should NOT be in there.

What's the matter with you?

Oh, it's a bloody nightmare.

I'm going to do a relaunch, hold some auditions, find some new blood.

Sounds good. Get this agency going in the right direction.

I'll cheers to that.


With the future of his business hanging in the balance, Andy decides to hold some urgent auditions to discover some fresh talent.

And he's got one of his best acts to help him judge.

♪ Backbeat, the word is on the street ♪
♪ That the f*re in your heart is out. ♪

Stop there.

You don't have to be mad to work here, but we all are, especially me.

Yeah? We don't have an office party. Every day's an office party.


Hello there, gentlemen. How are we doing today? OK.

It's the Come Fly With Me.

I vaguely recognise them. I watched Little Britain.

I never watched that.

There's nobody that didn't watch it.

I have to say, it's a big no from me.

Well, actually, it's a big no from us.

Isn't it?

OK. Cheers, mate.


I am not in danger. I AM the danger.

Say my name.

What's your name, sorry?

Simon. Simon.

Hang on, don't tell us. Chris Martin from Coldplay.


Dermot O'Leary?

Actually, I'm Simon Pegg.

Have you ever done any work as a Simon Pegg? No, I haven't. No.

Thanks. OK, thank you.

So, lads, I suppose you've been up all night, yeah?

And you're going to get lucky. Well, you think you are.

If I had a fiver for every f*ck that said that to me...

My God, what a pile of f*cking shite. Come on, let's get the f*ck out of here. What the f*ck did we come here for?

I thought we were going to get fresh talent. This is ridiculous.

The auditions have so far been a bit of a disaster.

I hope for Andy's sake they pick up.

Music: I Want You Back by the Jackson 5.

(music stops)

Something just didn't fit.

Something's not right.

It's like I've got my Jackson 5 and Michael Jackson CDs in the car all mixed together.

It's all about trying to sell the act and... you know, if you were the Jackson 5, Michael, you'd be a small child.

You still can sell the act.

I didn't like it.

You know, you're great dancers.

Individually, you look great, but Michael's just too white.

You know, Michael, your moves are great. Really good.

We could take you on, probably. It's one team, one dream.

It's one of us or none of us.

Good luck, guys.

Is that it?! Good luck, guys.

Across town, Lily Allen tribute act Hayley Ellis is training up a new lookalike girl band for her boss Andy Harmer.

OK, girls. So I know that you're not singers and you're lookalikes, but my job today is to try and turn you into singers.

Andy's got on the books some lookalikes who look like singers, but they can't sing.

Quite hard work and I don't know whether some of these lookalikes can do it, but we'll try.

OK, so first of all, we'll start with this one here, called Ping Pong b*lls, so it goes like this.

♪ Rita's got a head like a ping pong ball ♪
♪ Rita's got a head like a ping pong ball ♪
♪ Rita's got a head like a ping pong ball ♪
♪ Like a ping, like a ping pong ball ♪
♪ Like a ping, like a ping, like a ping pong, ping pong, ping pong ♪
♪ Ping pong, ping pong ball. ♪

Yeah? Now, that's mean.

Do I have a ping pong ball head?

It's just a fun warm up, that's all. But you're singing it though.

I'm not really in to the ping pong ball thing.

It sounds like an insult.

OK, it's not supposed to be an insult.

Yeah, but I feel like you're insulting me by saying I've got...

I don't want you to say that about me.

Right, OK. So if you want to hold your diaphragms...

I'm not going to sing. I'm sorry.

Not even... No.

You're great.

You're fantastic, I don't want you to feel like you've failed, but it's not really my thing. I can't sing at all.


Meanwhile, back at Andy's talent search, the auditions have taken an unusual turn for David Brent lookalike Tim.

Probably recognise the face. The laughs. Yeah? So if you want to....

Nngg! See on your faces, you're loving it. He loves it. Cracking up.

Sorry, who are you meant to be?

You're having a laugh. That's rubbish.

Look at you, I mean, you haven't even got the hair right.

You can talk with your pug nose and your beady eyes.

Oh, and look at you. Pluto from Popeye.

With your... Mr Toad. Mr Toad?! Bet you can't even dance. Can I dance?

Probably struggle to get out of a chair.


Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?


Andy gave me a Taylor who couldn't hum, a Rita with an attitude problem...

At least we had Cheryl.

She's working really hard, so I just hope she'll be all right.

We'll see.

♪ Hey, sister, go, sister ♪
♪ Soul, sister, go, sister ♪
♪ Getcha, getcha ya-yas out ♪
♪ Getcha, getcha ya-ya here... ♪

OK. Something to work with.

We could work with that.

She's got a lot of potential. She looks very gorgeous.

But we have got some work to do and I am a little bit stressed about the situation.

You get a lot of chancers, impostors, in this game.

But they don't last long.

Mate, you're full of sh*t, aren't you? You know?

You can't even do the impression. Your hair's wrong.

You're too chubby. Drunk too many lagers.

Ooh. Ooh, who's eaten all the pies?

Ah, that's a shame. You're having a laugh. You're having a laugh!

You're going to embarrass yourself.

Well.. Go on, then.

(they both grunt and sing)

(they continue to grunt and sing)

So that's... I think we all know who the winner was in that, don't we?

We didn't find Caitlyn Jenner.

Or the next Justin Bieber.

But we did find someone.

Guys, what I put to you, I want to be the only Brian Belo lookalike in the country.

Yeah, but you ARE Brian Belo.


Well, if somebody wanted to book Brian Belo, why would they book his lookalike?

There's so many lookalikes now.

Most of the lookalikes are making more money than the actual celebrities.

I might as well just be Brian Belo normally and Brian Belo for lookalike.

What would your act be as Brian Belo?

When I used to do like appearances and stuff, I used to come on stage and just talk about myself.

Sort of just do that really, couldn't I?

(they chuckle)

Brian, you've got the job.


You are now a Brian Belo lookalike.

Yeah, I think you're one step ahead of the game and you might even start a generation of...celebrities...

Celebrity lookalikes.

Do I stay here?

That way?

Yeah? OK.

Back at Lookalikes HQ, Andy's arranged a debrief with Lily Allen lookalike Hayley to discuss the progress of his new girl band.

They all look like the part, but whether they could do the gig...

There's got to be something in there. Rita Ora?

Taylor Swift?

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini?

Well, she can sing a bit.

I could always step in for you.

They've seen you before.

You know, they're looking for some fresh meat.

We're going to have to go with Cheryl. That's the only option.

You're going to have to, one, teach her to sing, and two, make her talk like a Geordie.

I'm a singing teacher, not a magician.

Andy's putting a lot of pressure on me to turn Cheryl into a professional singer.

I just don't know if she can do it.

So what we're going to do is sing one of your own songs, OK?

♪ Alouette, -uette, -uette ♪
♪ Alouette, -uette, -uette ♪
♪ Alouette, -uette, -uette ♪
♪ In my beginning there was nothing ♪
♪ So empty in the space between ♪
♪ And you came in Turned the lights on ♪
♪ Spread your wings... ♪

Don't look in pain.

♪ ..Cover me and... ♪

OK, yeah. We can work on that.

One thing, Andy wants someone to compere the gig.

Can you do a Geordie accent?

No, accents aren't really my thing.

What about... (Geordie accent): ..Oompa Loompa?

(Geordie accent): Oompa Loompa.

(Geordie accent): Poopa scoopa?

Poopa scoopa.

(Geordie accent): Kawasaki?


It's a bit like that.

I think you need to just keep rehearsing those songs, OK?

Just keep rehearsing.

Following the disastrous auditions and with the company relaunch just 24 hours away, Andy's forced to h*t the streets in a desperate search for new talent.

All I'm seeing today, Mary Berrys, the Queen and June Whitfield.

We can't find anyone.

What are you expecting to find?



Look at that.

Where are you looking?

There, on the bench, look.

It's Professor Stephen Hawking.

Yeah, right!

Excuse me, have you got a minute?

Has anyone ever told you you look like Professor Stephen Hawking?

Friday afternoon and agency impresario Andy Harmer is hard at work in his office.

Andy? Yep?

I'm just about to head up back to St Helens.

Have you thought about what I said?

Are you going to find me any decent jobs?

Or do I need to find another agency?

Look, I'll book you in, shall I?

Let's say, Bushy Wood campsite, next Saturday?

I'll bring my tent.

The whole Michael Jackson thing, storm in a teacup, he just didn't have the right look.

I just hope that he didn't take it too personally.

There you go, lads.

Thanks for the drink, but it doesn't really alter anything.

My client still wants to sue you for race discrimination.

That's madness.

We're not a r*cist agency.

We've got lots of black people on our books.

Mr T.

We even had Malcolm X at one point, he doesn't get so much work now, but...

It's just, for me, it doesn't work as the Jackson 5.

But he's Michael Jackson.

Yeah, but I think how people perceive the Jackson 5 is the big Afros and dark skin.

It's a facial thing, not a racial thing.

It just doesn't work as the Jackson 5.

But I don't know, they never met again, did they? They did.

30th anniversary, MTV Awards.


So, what you're saying is that you are discriminating against him on the grounds of his colour?

Not his colour, his look.

Your aim is to have the Jackson 5, that's your legitimate aim.

My aim is to have great lookalikes.

He looks like Michael Jackson.


If I may say so, Andy, you're being very ignorant.

At a gastro-pub in Hertfordshire, it's lookalike night.

♪ Last Friday night ♪
♪ Yeah, we danced on tabletops ♪
♪ And we took too many sh*ts ♪
♪ Think we kissed and I forgot. ♪

Backstage, Cheryl Fernandez-Versini lookalike, Natalie, is preparing for her stage debut as a singer.

Nowhere else to change?

This is it, darling. This is what it's normally like, you know.

'How do I feel about Andy putting all that pressure on my shoulders?'

He can pay me more, I think.

More pressure, more money, that's a good deal.

Oh, I don't know, I saw a Katy Perry lookalike, she's got like dancers and everything.

Like, she's really, really good.

I know you've not been doing it for very long, but you'll be fine, OK?

I don't know.

Just, I don't sing, I'm not a singer.

Look, there's one thing we can do, all right? How about this?

If you feel that nervous, you give me a sign, you could lip-synch to the original track.

You shouldn't really do it, the client's not going to like it, but it's better than if you're that nervous, we don't want you going out of tune, do we?

So, shall I like...

Yeah, that's only if you're really, really nervous, OK?

Right, thanks. OK.

Tonight's the night, the big relaunch.

It's make-or-break time for my agency.

After a week of auditions, the time has come for Andy to unveil his new roster of lookalikes to the world.

Christian Gibson as Ron g*n.

I thought you were Des Lynam.

Have a good evening.

Thank you. I'm not that old.

There was one act, I was sure he wasn't gonna turn up.

But this is show business, everyone has their price.

Fabio, I just want to say, I really appreciate you coming and that we've settled our differences.

Just happy to be here, you know.

I didn't know that solicitors were that expensive.

How do you do your nose anyway?

It's tape and then I've got just contouring going on there, you know.


We've got the talent, but we've also got VIPs coming with high expectations.

We've got to be on our A game to impress them.

Ladies and gentlemen, I just want to say big thank you for being here today.

This is Lookalikes, the future of my agency.

Some fresh faces for you to see, hopefully you enjoy it and you want to hire some of them for mix and mingles promotions, parties, you name it, they can do it.

Another thing, I just wanted to apologise for the set.

As you can see, it's not ideal.

There's a show on here later on and unfortunately we can't move it.

Oh, yeah, that reminds me, you need to be out of here by 5.30 cos Dial M For m*rder lot are coming in.


Without further ado, let me welcome to the stage, Fabio, Michael Jackson.

Music: Black Or White by Michael Jackson Please give it up for Cheryl!

Back at the King's Arms, fledgling singer Cheryl finally gets her opportunity to showcase her new Geordie themed routine.

Hiya and welcome to student night at the King's Arms, yous all look totally gorgeous.

We're going for plan B, she's going to mime, all right?

♪ I don't tell anyone about the way you hold my hand ♪
♪ I don't tell anyone about the things that we have planned ♪
♪ Won't tell anybody Won't tell anybody ♪
♪ They want to push me down They want to see you fall down ♪
♪ Down, down, down. ♪

What's your names?

Stu, Gav, Little Britain.

And you're Little Britain? No, you're not on here.

What is it? I'll tell you...

Oh, come on.

No, no, no, come on, lads.

♪ It don't matter if you're black or white. ♪

Shock tactics does work in this industry.

My star act, it's a bit of a risk, but if you wanna stand out in this business, sometimes you've just gotta go for it.

Ladies and gentlemen, our next act is a very familiar face and a fantastic mind.

Let me introduce the one, the only, Professor Stephen Hawking.

Not all the decisions I make are solid gold, sometimes bronze, sometimes sh*t.

That was sh*t.

There are 100 billion stars in the sky.

We have lookalikes...

..for most of... them.

The voice was all his idea.

I did not know he was going to do that.

But it's important to keep positive.

I've got other lookalikes that will impress.

Gemma Collins, The Only Way Is Essex.

Never heard of it. Oh, come on.

OK, tongue twisters, tongue twisters, ahh.

The aardvark had oddly shaped feet.

The aardvark had oddly shaped feet.

Unique New York, unique New York.

Mm, yeah, let's read the news.

You're on in five, Christian, OK?

Five minutes, five, five minutes, yeah.

Stay classy, Eastbourne.

Go, pull it, pull it.

No, it's open, it's open.

Danny, Rylan lookalike.

Danny as Rylan. Thanks.

Have a good evening.

Cheers. Thank you.

With the evening having been a h*t-and-miss affair, Andy's got one last celebrity ace up his sleeve.


I'm Brian Belo.

Winner of The Hunger Games.

Wrong, no, sorry, I mean Big Brother.

I'm actually my own lookalike.

I thought to myself, "Why should someone else make money out of being Brian Belo when I'm Brian Belo?"

You can hire me for weddings, birthdays and... supermarket openings.

I could tell jokes.

What's green and smells of pork?

Kermit's fingers.

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, thank you and goodnight.


Well, it's been a great success.

Almost everyone's got a booking.

Even Stephen Hawking's got a hen party to go to.


So, either of you thought about buying property in Eastbourne?

Perfect for commuting to the airport.

You know I'm not a security guard?

Sadly there was one guy who didn't get a booking and I had to break the news to him.


Yeah, mate?

Can I have a word?
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