01x04 - Check a Box

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "You Me Her..."

I'm talking about an escort.

Here's my deal -- I have to charge you guys a premium.

It's a clearly defined business arrangement.

Em and I are having crazy sex.

The real why I hired you is to save my marriage actually.

I think I'm officially the chick in this relationship.

Is that right?

Why are we spying on the Trakarskys?

We aren't spying, honey.

My wife Lori accepted a seat on the Hamilton School Alumni Board.

What were you doing for three hours?

Um...

What are you doing?

Sleeping.

Well, f*ck.

♪
♪ I know how it feels ♪
♪ I know when it's real ♪
♪ The time has come ♪
♪ We're having fun ♪
♪ We're on the move ♪
♪ We'll keep it loose ♪
♪ The time has come ♪

No, no, no, no, no, no.

What?

♪ For everyone ♪

Wrong -- no, down, down, down.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is that it?

Yeah, that's it.

♪

You can hold this this long?

Yeah. Lots of Pilates.

Is this working for you?

[both breathing heavily]

Wow.

It feels like we gave an orgasm to everyone within a two-mile radius.

They must be so confused.

Yeah, holy sh*t. My whole body's vibrating.

Do you think --

Do you think other people do it like this?

I think we just reinvented sex.

We should contact the editors of appropriate medical journals.

I know this is gonna sound kind of crazy, but I kind of wish we'd filmed it.

We were damn sexy.

Badass m*therf*cking sexy.

I feel like I'm sh**ting pheromones off everywhere, you know, just like breaking windows.

What got into you?

I think it was a ring finger, but you would know better than I would.

You think you're funny, and that's -- that's so sweet.

[sighs]

Can I say something that will almost certainly extinguish this beautiful afterglow?

Might as well.

I think we've milked it for all it's worth, anyway, so...

When we used to have sex, like, before these past three days, I always felt kind of relieved afterwards, you know?

Like it was something we didn't have to worry about for another week or so.

Like we didn't have a problem?

Yeah.

What if it's all Izzy?

It's not Izzy.

It's us.

So things are good, young Jackson?

Whoa, hey. Geez.

Yeah, things are good with me.

Yeah?

Everything's as it was, status quo?

Same old, same old, huh?

Nothing new in your life, nothing exciting, nothing, well, unique or exotic?

You know that I know you know, right?

I do now, okay.

Okay.

So, I guess that means that Carmen wasn't yoga pooping.

I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but I don't like it.

The point is, you know.

Yeah.

I definitely know, so?

So?

So, that's it.

Lay it on me, man. I know you have something to say. We don't drink coffee.

You've never invited me for coffee once.

What's wrong with a nice coffee?

There's nothing wrong with it, but we don't do it.

Well...

It's not our thing, so I know there's some other reason.

You have some ulterior motive.

I think you're a f*cking moron.

There it is.

Okay? There, I said it.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, my God. What are you doing?

Everybody imagines another person when they're with their partner, sure.

Put that in the back of your mind, you close your eyes, three, four minutes, you're done.

You forget about it. You want to actually do this?

Are you out of your f*cking mind?

This coffee is really good, though.

In what way, specifically?

I don't know.

It's bold without being bitter.

I feel like I'm tasting something sweet.

Is it cranberry?

f*ck you.

I'm talking -- like, why is it so crazy?

What is -- we're all consenting adults, so what makes the whole situation crazy?

I don't get it.

Consenting adults?

Is that how you talk now?

What, did you just come back from Burning Man?

This is not the Jack and Emma that we know, okay?

What does that mean?

I don't even know what that's -- "Consenting adults."

Get out of here.

Who are you?

Are you insulting us now?

Because we are still the same people --

No, hey, let's go get you some robes and some muumuus and whatever velvet -- whatever you want to wear.

Cavalier attitude towards Chlamydia.

First person in this f*cking town to do something new and I get sh*t for it.

Oh, yeah? All of us plebeians, huh?

Just monogamous zombies just lurching towards an abyss, looking for brains.

"One brain. I'm monogamous."

You put it that way. I didn't.

You sound a little jealous, man.

[scoffs]

Jealous? You think I'm jealous of your situation?

'Cause you get to sleep with two women?

Yep.

You think that's a big deal to me? I've done that before.

Big deal. I'm a little jealous, if I'm being honest with you.

How is it? Is it amazing? Do you do two in one day?

Do you have to, like, wash your balls in between?

That'd be polite, right? That's good manners.

Actually haven't done much.

I mean, we're still --

What?

We're still trying to figure out the ground rules.

The guidelines and stuff, I haven't figured it out.

What have you done?

Not much.

We have, like, a "no penetration" rule, which I'm still --

I'm sorry?

No penis or not penetration?

I don't know.

We're still trying to figure that out, to be honest.

But then they can still have sex.

I know, it's kind of unfair, right?

'Cause the vaginas -- they don't need penetration.

They just -- you know, they mush together.

All I'm saying is I need clarification on this.

I mean, if you want to find the G-spot, you can't use a penis, as far as I know.

I've never --

You've got to use fingers.

To be honest, I've never found a G-spot in my f*cking life.

So, is it no penis or no penetration, 'cause if it's no penis, you're screwed because you can penetrate with other things.

You don't need a penis -- fingers, tongue. strap-ons, butt plugs, vibrators.

I don't know, man.

Fruit.

Whatever's around the house.

So, is that it? That's all you came here to say?

Oh, okay, I'm not supposed to be telling you this, but --

Okay.

Carmen thinks that Emma doesn't just enjoy your new friend's company.

Okay, she thinks she's, like... you know.

She's talking about her like... [mumbles]

Like, is smitten by her.

Smitten?

Yeah.

She said that?

No, that's what I'm saying.

What about you, Jack?

Are you smitten?

♪

Okay, I almost don't want to know, but are you planning on doing something weird with the raisins, or...

No. God, no.

Well, then why are you picking them out?

Because I enjoy the essence left behind by the raisins far more than the raisins themselves.

Hmm.

Like how memories are often better than what actually was?

Yeah, okay, sure. Make it a thing, Sigmund.

[cellphone vibrating, ringing]

Hmm.

I'm gonna take a leap here and guess that Randy isn't really good at fixing stuff, but that Randy's into hands.

Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Well, my hands because they're adorable.

Yeah, those are, like, weird, freaky kid hands.

[high-pitched voice] Hi, I'm Izzy.

Uh-huh. Okay, that's enough.

I have baby hands.

[normal voice] Yeah, yeah, put them away.

Okay, why -- why are you blowing him off?

You didn't have time for a mani?

Being a little rough on the handyman, aren't you?

Mm.

Oh, sorry. I forgot.

You're on call for the Griswolds.

Well, you know, I had my date with Emma last night.

We were on the rooftop of the tallest building in Yamhill.

It was pretty awesome.

Okay, no.

No, that is not a session.

That's like a f*cking lesbian romance novel.

Okay. Let me just get this straight.

So, in your damaged mind, letting a guy lick my dirty, sticky hands is A-okay, but having a toss-and-tumble on a rooftop is just, like, inexplicable --

You're falling for a married woman.

You're, like, mooning over selfies of the two of you, so yes, dipshit, that is much, much worse.

Okay.

May I remind you that it is a program, you know?

A finite business arrangement that we agreed upon like adults.

No, no.

You are playing with matches, young lady, and you might just burn down a real-life marriage.

Wow.

Well, you're being the voice of reason, and that is f*cking terrifying.

What do you think is gonna happen here?

I mean, just give me like -- I don't know.

Give me, like, two seconds of relative lucidity and tell me how this ends without somebody getting seriously hurt.

Most likely you.

Well, you've ruined my morning, so, thank you.

♪

[cellphone chimes]

[knock on door]

Hey.

'Sup, Jack?

Ava, come on. Seriously.

How many times -- It's Mr. Trakarsky, okay?

Hmm.

Here and everywhere else. It's actually Dr. Trakarsky.

Mm-hmm.

Do you see -- but I'm not pretentious.

So Mr. Trakarsky --

No, you know, Dean Trakarsky.

Well, maybe.

Yeah?

You know, hello, Berkeley.

No.

I'm Ava.

No, you're not gonna get any preferential treatment if that's what you think, okay?

If you want to go to Berkeley, you got to do what everybody else does.

So who is that chick who got dropped off at your house two nights ago?

Hmm?

Um...

The...

Earth to neighbor dude.

No, what?

Hmm?

It'd be -- which...

Dropped by around 7:00?

Like, the cleaning lady, or...

Why are you being so weird?

Your "Lolita" act is not going over well on me or anyone else.

I'm just intoxicated with my newly discovered power.

Ow, that is --

[chuckles]

I'm basically a monkey with a g*n.

Monkey with a g*n. What is that?

Is that from your shrink?

So, enough about me, hmm?

Who was the chick?

Why do I have to tell you that?

And why don't you want to?

Because -- well, there's --

Mm-hmm.

Okay, she was my -- she's my niece.

There. Simple as that.

Hmm.

She's Jackie.

Is everyone in your family named some derivative of Jack?

Not -- no, I mean, there's -- there's several of us because I had a great-grand --

We had a great-grandfather named Jack who was like pretty much most important, you know, in the family.

He was very well-regarded in the community.

Like a prominent --

So.

You have a niece... in her 20s.

Wow. [chuckles]

You must be old as sh*t.

Come on. Again with the language.

[sighs] God.

I have an older sister.

She's 11 years old than me, and she --

Wow.

She has a daughter who's my niece.

And she just transferred to Griffin, so she's new in town.

So you haven't seen her, but I have 'cause she's my niece.

Mm.

And she came over.

She stopped by for a visit.

For, like, an hour.

I don't know how long it was. I wasn't -- I wasn't timing it.

Whatever. Mm.

My mom thinks you guys are weird, so...

Wait, what? Your mom thinks we're weird?

You know, it's probably spite.

Lori's big on the spite.

Why would she have any spite towards me?

Neighborhoods are a lot like high school.

You cool kids don't hang out with her or Paul very often.

You call both your parents by the first names, as well?

Yeah, they totally hate it.

[chuckles]

Yeah, and your mom's now on the Alumni Board, right?

I know.

Eek, right?

Eek.

Let me guess. You're nervous as hell, right?

I was a mess all day yesterday.

We have a serious f*cking Lori problem.

A Lori problem?

Yes.

Ava just asked who that "chick" was at our house.

Apparently both she and Lori saw Izzy get dropped off and then leave within, like, an hour, which is pretty f*cking hard to explain.

Ava's 16, Jack.

Oh, yeah, you just keep telling yourself that, okay?

Oh, God, you know, I usually tell this to my kids, but I think it applies to our situation now.

And that is, you know, maybe we should get off the train tracks before the train runs us over.

So, you think Ava and Lori assume a young woman visiting our house automatically means we're having a three-way?

I -- I told her she was my niece, Val's daughter.

Well, did she buy it?

God, I hope so.

By the way, Lori is pissed at us.

She thinks we leave her out of stuff, apparently.

Lori, who is now, you know, On The Alumni Board.

Babe.

Babe, just take a breath.

Take a breath. Breathe.

I am trying, Em, but I need this.

I want to be Dean of this place -- of Hamilton.

Of course you do.

I mean, if I get to be Dean of Hamilton, then the sky's the limit.

I mean, I can be Dean of Griffin College or Lewis & Clark or something, as long as I don't blow this.

Okay, okay. I get it.

Izzy can't come to the house anymore.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Okay, honey.

Love you very much. Lori.

Jack.

Hi.

Hi, oh, okay.

Hey, Lori.

That's a first.

No, I just -- I'm starting my ass-kissing campaign a little early.

Right.

Because you're -- yeah.

Everything okay?

You seem a little agitated.

Good.

No. No, no.

Oh.

We were just talking about -- we're gonna have a little soiree with everyone in the neighborhood -- you and Paul, of course, Carmen and Dave.

I'm gonna buy some steaks.

That's what we were talking about, 'cause you love steak.

And you like steak, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And beers. You know how it is.

Well, actually, no, because you never include us.

Yes, we -- We have.

No, not once.

Have --

Didn't we --

Never been to your house.

Um, that's the thing. We haven't had many.

That's why we're talking about it -- to have -- we have a lot of people we have to repay in the neighborhood, and --

[cellphone chimes]

Uh, I have an Alumni Board meeting, so...

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

So, it's -- no, we're gonna --

What? I -- that's --

No, two is cra-- what are we, European?

[both chuckle]

Jack.

You do know I was kidding about the kissing up thing, right?

Yeah.

The stick's not quite as far up my ass as Carmen and Emma seem to think it is.

No, no.

They don't think that.

Well...

No, no, they never -- they really enjoy you.

We all do. And Paul, too.

Send my love to him once you're -- can you --

Oh, my God? What the f*ck was doing?

♪

Carmen: Hey, does standing in line for 20 minutes to pay 9 bucks for a bottle of green juice that tastes like dirt make us f*cking idiots?

Mine was $11.

Mm.

Everything okay?

Mm-hmm.

That was rhetorical, by the way.

I absolutely know it isn't.

Mm. Jack's panicking.

I mean, but that's what Jack does, right?

He -- he panics.

Let me guess.

Something to do with the 20-something you've invited into your marriage and the power-hungry neighbor recently appointed to a governing body that will determine your husband's professional fate?

How do you do that?

Well, I'd tell you, but you'd have to meet me and the others in the woods at midnight with a decapitated cat.

Gross.

You know, Jack panics.

It's what he does, right?

Yeah.

♪

Nina: So, I have a meeting with Professor Lawrence and I'm pretty sure that he wants to bone me.

You're hot and 25 and he's 60 and smells like patchouli and forgotten dreams.

Shocker.

Yeah, I know.

But it helps my underlying insecurity to say it out loud, like a mantra.

Everybody wants to bone me.

Everybody wants to bone me.

Everybody wants to bone Nina Martone.

I think I might really like Andy.

And I only have five minutes to convince him to have pizza with me before I have to figure out what the hell I'm gonna wear on my date with Jack, so...

Uh, okay. What?

Pizza is totally platonic.

Everybody knows that.

Are you trying to trick me into thinking we've been having a conversation?

No, I am offering to buy you lunch at Slice on Fifth.

We can talk it out.

Just say yes.

1:00. Please.

I like you.

[chuckles] You like me?

What? I don't know how else to say it.

Well, maybe you could give, like, Nina a note with boxes to check.

"Do you like me back? Yes or No."

So, which is it?

You do not want me to make this easier for you, Iz.

Three months of broken dates, sloppy 2:00 A.M. booty calls.

Listen. L-look at me.

You realize this is the first time you've ever looked me in the eye and said, "I like you."

So, would you categorize me as emotionally unavailable?

Check a box.

[clicks tongue]

Well, which box is it?

I think you know.

Come on.

One hour of your time over pizza.

Yes or No.

I guess you'll find out.

[sighs]

♪

Do you mind if I real-talk to you for a second?

It's so nice of you to pretend I have a choice.

You keep up with this stupid sh*t, you're gonna wake up years from now alone, your tits on your belly, thinking, "Where did my awesome life go?"

Just to be clear, are my saggy tits having the epiphany, or...

Grammar, really?

You're seriously struggling with this right now?

Yes.

You're married.

Who are you?

Help me, Carmen.

I-I can't be trusted to make good choices right now.

Just tell me what to do.

Okay, so that's called a phone.

You want to tap on the little icon labeled "Contacts."

Scroll down to the I's.

Narrow your search until you arrive at "Izzy."

[sighs]

All you got to do is tell her it's over and she can keep the money.

You got to do what's best for your marriage.

Right. Simple -- so simple.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

I can do it. Geez.

I am gonna count to 10.

And then I'm gonna take your phone and I'm gonna call Little Miss Footjob myself.

Don't even try to run because I will catch you without breaking a sweat.

You know I'm right.

God damn it.

[TV playing]

Uh, maybe because you didn't invite her to your poker luau last episode, you c**t-tard.

[knock on door]

[coughing]

What the f*ck? Aah!

Are you seriously just standing there watching me through the peephole?

You can't just drop by.

You just dropped by our house unannounced like 36 hours ago, so I think -- can you just open the door, please?

Um...

Uh, just give me a minute!

Um...

I'm not -- I'm not dressed.

How can you not be dressed? It's, like, 12:30.

I was dressed. Now I'm not.

And soon I will be again. Do you have a problem with that?

Why would you even bother to --

You know what? Never mind.

Can I -- I guess so.

Sorry, the, uh, housekeeper's on vacation.

Well, it's -- Let me guess.

Is it three weeks of dirty laundry, some medical weed, and maybe five expired food items?

Hmm. Could I offer you some espresso?

Yeah, I would love some.

Yeah?

I'm just f*cking with you.

Do you honestly think I have an espresso maker?

Okay, Fred, so what are you doing here?

Um, well, Emma and I have been tal--

We had a discussion this morning, and it turns out we won't be requiring your services anymore.

I see.

Yeah.

I mean, I think we achieved the desired results, right?

We're not asking for refund or anything, so I know this --

Okay, so this is where I call bullshit.

Oh, really? How so?

Well, first of all, you're acting super weird, and part of what you're saying is Grade-A bullshit.

Which part?

The Emma part.

What was the -- Emma?

I don't even know what that -- what's the Emma part?

Yeah.

What are you -- No. What are you doing?

I'm just giving Emma a quick call.

No, you're not. Please. Okay, fine. It's me, okay?

It's me. Yeah.

That's what I thought.

I'm the one that's canceling this. It's over.

It's -- I'm terminating the relationship, okay?

And please do not call my wife again.

And do not answer any messages from her, okay?

Oh, said the misogynistic dickface.

What, we're gonna call each other names now?

Is that what's happening?

You know what?

I'm going to consider this evening's appointment canceled, and whatever the rest of us consenting adults choose to do is entirely up to us.

I'm the only one being an adult here.

You're the only adult? Is that right?

Yeah.

Okay.

So I'm gonna ask you a question, Jack.

How long after we terminate the agreement before you call me on your own, hmm?

Not going to.

Want to make a bet?

Mm-hmm.

I say two weeks, max.

Sure.

Don't do that.

Don't what?

Don't do that.

Don't do what?

You think you're irresistible?

Don't you?

Oh, you don't think about me?

Okay.

Fine, you win.

♪
♪ Baby's in the back ♪
♪ Baby's in the back ♪
♪ My baby's making gravy 'cause I'm off my back ♪
♪ Yeah, Susie's on the bar ♪

Ow, f*ck.

Is that okay?

That's fine, that's fine.

Stop talking.

♪ When she hears me play guitar ♪
♪ All right, unh ♪

Does this count as our date?

What?

Does this count as a date?

No. God, stop talking.

You're so f*cking chatty.

♪ Jimmy changed his name ♪
♪ Well, Jimmy had to change it because nobody came ♪
♪ He'll write and sing a song ♪
♪ Write and sing a song ♪

Okay, I want you so bad.

Maybe I should terminate you.

♪ Well, don't jump the g*n ♪

You're a horrible person. You know that?

I thought I was irresistible.

♪ Oh, it's gone ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, oh ♪

What the f*ck?

What the f*ck?

f*cking kidding me?

Izzy, my grandma's antique lamp?

I'm sorry, Nina. Um, I'll get that fixed.

Damn f*cking right, you will.

Who the hell is that?

Is he a client? He better not be a client because you know that's breaking rule number one -- never let clients know where we live.

Oh. Oh, holy sh*t.

That's Clark Griswold, isn't it?

Clark Griswold is a fictional character played by Chevy Chase in a 1980s feature film.

Just stop. Yes, it -- Yes, it's him.

[sighs] Okay, so I'm gonna ask.

Is Mr. Griswold here a client, or is he something else?

Um...

♪ Something's happening to me ♪
♪ Something's happening to me ♪
♪ Ooh, something's happening to me ♪
♪ How I feel myself changing ♪
♪
♪ And facing ♪
♪ What I want, what I want, what I want, what I want, yeah ♪
♪
♪ I tried to stick around I want to multiply ♪
♪ The only reason why I won't go stagnant ♪
♪ Shaking left to right, glowing inside ♪
♪ To the b*at, to the love to the crush ♪
♪ So it's time to say goodbye ♪
♪ How we never stuck anyway ♪
♪ It was a good try, good try ♪
♪ But now I feel myself ♪