01x04 - In a Pickle

[bunniefuu]

[BOTH MOANING]

You said "Natalie."

What?

I'm Amy.

Yeah.

When you orgasmed, you said, "Natalie."

No, no. Oh, My God. No, no, I didn't.

Yeah, you did.

No, I don't-- oh, I don't think I-I--

Yep, totally did.

Okay. Uh... I-I-- I think-- I can--

Who's Natalie?

I can explain.

Okay, well--

Let me just-- let me just--

Please do.

Okay, um... See, Natalie was, um...

She was a-- a woman.

Well, that's a relief.

Yeah, a woman who...

Um...

Did she die?

What?

I am a very spiritual person, and your chakras are getting so clamped down.

Did she die?

Yeah.

[SIGHS]

Yes. She did. She d*ed.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Well, yeah, we were in college together and she was my...

Girlfriend.

...girlfriend in college.

And she just d*ed suddenly?

Suddenly.

How?

I-- I-- it's hard to--

Cancer, or...?

No.

[GASPS] No, wait, you said suddenly.

You said suddenly.

Car crash?

It was a car crash.

Oh, My God, that's terrible.

Tell me more.

It was Christmastime.

No, no, no, no.

Yeah, we were driving home to...

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

...visit my parents.

And the roads were icy, and I lost control of the car.

And I-- that was it.

That was all I-- I-- I remember. [SNIFFLES]

That's just so, so sad.

Yeah.

Thanks for--

I'm sorry that I-- that I called out her name.

No, I'm sorry for judging your orgasm.

You know, it's funny, Jung says that pain and ecstasy are intricately linked.

It's so sad.

It's really very sad.

And so hot.

That's very-- what?

You need to be taken care of.

Okay.

Let me take care of you.

I-- I don't--

Let me turn your pain... into ecstasy.

Mm. Mm.

♪ Hey ♪
♪ Oh, my love, let me be your fire ♪
♪ We're a thousand miles up and I'm about to get higher ♪
♪ Feel my heart b*ating out my chest ♪
♪ You're the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed ♪
♪ Singing oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ You make me feel blessed, you make me feel blessed ♪
♪ You're the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed ♪

Carter: Morning, sunshine.

Okay, forget changing the locks.

Laser beams are going to burn you to a crisp if you come in here without asking again.

Good thing the laser beams are inactive, 'cause that chick would have been toast.

What are you talking about?

The lady who left about an hour ago.

I offered to cook her breakfast, and she politely declined.

Yeah, probably because you freaked her out.

Carter, why are you camped out on my couch?

Because I airbnb'd my place last night.

Really?

Yeah. 230 bucks.

They're from Kenya.

Wow.

Anyway, I didn't freak her out as much as you freaked her out.

You called her "Natalie."

Did she tell you that?

No, I heard you, 'cause I was asleep and you woke me up.

Carter, gross. You were listening to me have sex?

What is this, college?

You have not moved on from the Natalie.

Yeah, well, I'm in process, okay?

It's just ludicrous, this whole thing.

To spend my time chasing after a fantasy woman that I spoke to for five minutes in a bar?

You know, the real Natalie probably picks her nose and eats tofu burgers and is super-clingy.

That's why I like this girl.

She's-- you know, she's not like that, and I-I dig that about... her.

Amy.

Yeah, Amy.

Yeah, her name is Amy.

I know her name's Amy.

You didn't know her name.

Sure, I did.

No, you didn't.

I knew her name, but, you know, 'cause I'm a social guy.

Hey, buddy, why's your hand buried in the cushions of my couch?

Please tell me it doesn't have anything to do with last night.

[COUGHS]

Uh, so, I'm in a bit of a situation here.

Did you... literally get your hand caught in a cookie jar?

Pickle.

You're astounding.

I astound myself. Can I explain?

Yes, please explain.

So, last night, my connect, he gets me this beautiful, medical-grade product from Colorado--

Furry Buds.

That must have been exciting.

Oh, I nearly peed my pants.

You can be honest.

I did pee in my pants a little bit.

Continue.

So, you know me-- I don't smoke my own product.

But in this case, you make an exception.

You've got to make sure it's okay.

Exactly.

So, I get John Starks--

Your six-foot bong.

Mm-hmm. I put just a little bit in, I take a little...

[INHALES SHARPLY] You know?

Half a toke.

Not even.

I can't feel the fabric of my face anymore.

So, you get some rageful munchies.

Yes, and you know me. I'm a sweets guy.

Mm-hmm.

And last night, though, I was feeling a little salty, and I was craving pickles.

You don't have pickles in your fridge.

Diane has pickles in her fridge.

I'm gonna go ahead and stop you.

At some point, you're gonna have to stop breaking into other people's apartments.

I have a key.

It's for emergencies.

This was a craving emergency.

I understand.

There's only one pickle left in the jar-- it's taunting me.

I shove my hand in...

And now you can't get your hand out of the jar.

[CHUCKLES]

Where's the pickle?

It's still in my hand.

Uh... Uh... I'm gonna get a shower now.

Can I get a little help?

You cannot get a little help, because you got yourself into this mess, you're gonna get yourself out.

Where's the love, man?

Love is an idea past its prime.

Hey, if you're thinking about listening to me have sex again, don't-- it's very weird.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh, God, please.

Aaaaah!

Come on.

Aaaaaaaaah!

Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Oh, God!

[SIGHS]

♪

Henry. [CLEARS THROAT]

Clearly, you've put a lot of work into this paper.

Is something wrong, professor?

Everything's wrong.

It's solid, but it's boring.

It's expected.

And that's not what I wanted for you.

I wanted you to search inside yourself for something unexpected.

And I realize I sound like Yoda when I say that.

I-I don't think I quite understand, professor.

Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]

Try to understand this, okay? Watching?

Holy sh*t.

Yeah. Getting a little life out of you now.

How's that feel?

I... I...

You finding your center?

[STAMMERING]

Feeling a little rage right now?

I think you're feeling a little rageful right now.

W-w-why did you do that?

Why did I do it?

Yeah.

Because "Carpe diem," Henry.

Carpe diem.

[GRUNTS]

'Cause I want you to seize the day, Henry.

Do you understand?

I want you to go out there and treat today like it is the first day of the rest of your life, Henry.

I still don't quite--

You're chasing a mirage, buddy.

Yeah, a mirage, and they're not real.

Doc, I have health careforms for you to--

Mirage--

I'm just gonna leave these here for you.

Thank you. Great. Thanks, Soph.

Okay. Henry.

We all die, right?

That's inevitable.

The question we have to ask ourselves is this--

How do you really want to live?

I was just hoping to get an "A" on my paper.

And that's such small-minded thinking, Henry.

[CLEARS THROAT] Think of it this way--

When you go out there into the world, do you want to be a little lamb that looks over your shoulder for the butcher to come and chop you up and eat you, or do you want to be a lion?

'Cause I don't know about you, but I want to go full bore, king of the jungle up in this piece.

I-I kind of-- I kind of--

Speak up, son. Speak up.

I-I-I need the "A" to keep my scholarship!

I'm giving you the "A." That's not what's important.

Are you listening? Henry, what I want for you is for you to go out into the world and throw caution to the wind, and say, "Screw this," and live life like a lion.

Now, do you think you can do that, Henry?

Uh...

Say yes, Henry.

Say yes to changing the rest of your life.

Yes?

That's what I'm talking about, Henry!

Now, go out there right now and take life... by the nuts.

Okay.

You can take that.

So, when do you want the revised draft of--

It's not about your paper. I'm gonna give you the "A."

Screw your paper, Henry.

Go out there and live right now.

Right now, Henry! There's life to be lived!

[STAMMERING]

Live, Henry!

So, so, no paper?

Go, Henry!

[KEYS JINGLING]

Hey, Jackson?

I brought out that lentil soup I told you about.

[CARTER GRUNTING]

Aaaaaah!

Jackson?

[GRUNTING]

Hey, Jackson, are you okay?

[GROANS]

[GASPS] Oh!

No, it's not what it looks like.

What do you think it looks like?

I need-- I need help.

I'm not gonna help you with that.

What was going on in there?

It sounded like Oprah at Christmastime.

You know, Sophie, what is a teacher, if not an inspirer?

Ew.

What? I'm a new man with a new plan.

Yes, and also, there's something about you that's troubling.

There's a twinkle in your eye I don't recognize.

Yes, your eyes normally twinkle.

Really?

But this is kind of a crazed sparkling.

What?

Oh.

You got laid last night.

What?

I recognize the testosterone endorphin rush.

Jeremy once lifted a truck after we made love.

A whole truck?

A hand truck, but for Jeremy, that was impressive.

Mm.

So, you found the girl you've been looking for?

No, I found a new girl, to be honest.

Soph, I'm letting my life take a more natural course.

Why look for one woman on the Island of Manhattan when there are literally millions of women right underneath my nose?

Is this a trick question?

Hey, Jackson Cooper.

Hey... you're here.

Aah!

You... what?

[GIGGLES]

You must be--

Oh. Amy.

Amy, I'm Sophie.

Doc was just talking about you.

Yep.

He was?

Sure have.

So sweet.

And it is that sweetness why I brought lunch for you at the office.

I don't have to be back at the coffee shop till 2:00.

You work at a coffee shop?

Yeah, MudLOVE on 9th. I am not a barista, though.

So, what do you do at the coffee shop?

I host... set a vibe-- something I'm very good at.

So good at setting vibes-- vibe setting.

You want me to set up a picnic full of vibes in your office?

Uh-huh. I-- yep.

Yeah. I think that's a very, very good idea.

It is right through those doors.

Okay.

Okay.

[GIGGLES] Bye.

Bye.

Bye. See you in there.

You didn't even remember her name.

Um, yes, I did. You jumped right--

No, you did not.

Of course, I did.

You did not.

Okay. All right.

Not specifically.

Specifically, her name is Amy.

Hey, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

Oh, Rose, thou art lame.

Diane: Oh, God.

[GROANS]

How did you get it in there?

God, if I had a nickel for every woman who's said that to me, I'd have no nickels.

I'd be nickel-less.

Shut up.

Okay.

Oh, no. Mnh-mnh.

Oh, My God.

Ahhh.

I had a craving that turned into a yearning.

Does Jackson even know you're in his apartment?

We're practically brothers.

But you're not.

Yeah, but practically--

But you're not.

Okay, we're not.

And I know that's my pickle jar.

Wha-- are you-- No.

Do not lie to me, Carter. I will not help you.

Yes, look, you're pregnant.

I knew you had pickles, so I-- I used my key.

Hey, you break into my apartment again, and I will castrate you, okay?

I will remove your nuts from your body, okay?

No, no.

You and I are not practically brothers, you got that?

Yes.

You got it?

Understood.

Okay.

Ready?

Please, be gentle.

Okay.

Come on.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Oh, sh**t.

Well, pull away from me.

Oh, God.

Oh, My God.

Keep going.

Wait, something's moving.

Christ.

Something's moving.

No, wait.

No, you're not.

Come on.

[GROANS]

Okay.

Pull this way.

Oh, go-- Aaah!

It's moving.

It's my shoulder!

It's coming out! It's coming out!

Okay. Oh!

[SIGHS]

No, I'm not losing my baby for this.

Got to...

You're gonna have to break it.

[PANTING] Oh, God. What, are you kidding me?

I have an aversion to pain.

You do know when I say "Break it,"

I mean the jar, right?

I don't want anything to break. No breaking, please.

Okay. Okay, we'll come up with something else.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

What if we-- what if I heat it?

That's what I was trying to do in the tub, but a flame might be better.

Okay, what would that do?

It could melt the glass and turn it back into sand.

Oh, honey.

Okay, look, this is what we're gonna--

It's--

No, no, this is what we're gonna do.

Okay.

We're gonna get a little cold water in there, okay?

Yeah.

That'll reduce the swelling of your hand.

We can slip it out that way.

All right?

Let's-- kitchen sink. Come on.

Jackson: I don't know. It's just so interesting.

The minute I stopped fighting so hard, the universe just rewarded me.

Well, let me see if I got this straight.

You can't find the girl you want...

The girl I thought I wanted.

...so you're settling--

I'm not sure I like the word "settling."

What word do you like?

"Opting."

Okay, so, you're...

Opting.

...for someone else.

Correct.

Jesus Christ, Coop, you're so full of bullshit today.

What?

I should get paid for a double session, having to deal with your ego's bullshit and your ID's bullshit.

Well, what about my superego?

I think your superego took a permanent vacation.

I see.

So, basically, what you're saying is I'm full of ID.

[CHUCKLES]

I should fire you as my patient for that pun.

Come on, Ira.

I'm living in the moment. Isn't that what life is about?

That's why yoga industries are making billions of dollars.

Opting for a potentially unstable woman you barely know is not living in the moment, it's fleeing from your soul.

Okay, that's a dramatic assessment, but this woman, Ira, she's-- this woman--

Whose name you can't remember.

I can't.

She's an unstable woman who wants to have sex with me all the time, but, Ira...

She's an unstable woman that wants to have sex with me all the time.

You want to bullshit me, Coop? Fine.

It's your session.

But let me say this-- if you're gonna keep running away from finding Natalie, don't run into the arms of this crazy woman.

It can't end well.

Ira, she doesn't wear underwear.

And we're out of time.

Get out of my g*dd*mn office.

You got it. [CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, that's cold. That's-- that's very cold.

I know. I know.

No, that's really-- that's too cold.

That's too cold. That's too cold.

Okay. Let's see if it did anything.

[GROANS]

Okay. You ready?

I'm ready.

Hold on to something.

All right, go.

Yep.

Aaah!

No mas. No mas. No mas! Stop.

All right. Okay.

Oh, I hope my baby's not as big a baby as you are.

Oh, God.

I got my head stuck in a banister once.

That doesn't surprise me.

Christmas morning, I was so excited to see all of my presents.

I didn't even stop on the stairs, I went right through the banister.

I can picture that.

Did your mom pry you out?

My mom's not a "Pry you out" kind of mom.

She's more like a "You deal with it, I'm gonna make a Martini" kind of mom.

Oh, I see.

So, my stepdad called Bernard, our caretaker.

Uh-huh.

And he came over Christmas morning to get me unstuck, and my brother was, you know, painting my face with my sister's makeup, and my mom and my stepdad just sat in the den.

That's very Norman Rockwell.

It's very Norman Bates, actually.

So, I'm assuming that--

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

That's-- that's it. [LAUGHS]

It's Bernard!

What the hell?

Vaseline.

Oh, My God. I'm so stupid.

He lubed up my head, he slathered it with Vaseline, and it slid right through the banister.

Oh, my gosh. That is not completely stupid.

Yes.

Do you have Vaseline?

Yes. It's in my medicine cabinet.

No, it's right next to my bed.

You want to go get it?

Yeah, let me-- I'll-- yes, I'll get it.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

You like Vonnegut?

I do. He's one of my favorite authors to pretend to read.

[LAUGHS]

I pretend to read British authors.

I find them more poetic.

I like pretending to read Joyce.

Joyce is Irish.

Maybe that's why it's so hard to understand.

The accent.

The accent.

Jinx.

Jinx.

You owe me a coke.

[LAUGHS]

I'm Zanthie.

Hey, Zanthie, I'm Coop.

Coop?

Yeah, it's a nickname.

I like it better than my actually name.

Which is?

It's, um, Jackson.

Yeah, Coop is better.

I told you, right?

So, you want to buy me that coke now?

I need a break, anyhow.

Oh, are you a student here? Because I am a professor.

And you can't take a student out for a coke?

No, there is a strict no liquid-sharing policy here.

Hi, Coop.

Hey. Hey... You.

What-- what are you doing here?

Just got out of work. Figured I'd come see you.

Oh, that's-- that's so nice.

Who's this?

This is-- I'm sorry. What was your name again?

James Joyce.

[LAUGHS] James Joyce.

Um, I figured maybe we could have lunch.

We just had lunch.

No, I mean, like, a picnic, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, I do, but I am actually dealing with a little bit of a psychology emergency back at the school.

I'm gonna have to get going.

Well, it didn't seem like you were in too big of a hurry, talking to that girl over there.

Zanthie.

Zanthie.

No one cares.

Yeah, you know what?

I really do have a psychology emergency, and I'm' gonna have to call you later.

No, but, Coop--

Okay? But I'm gonna call you.

Coop?

I'm gonna call you a lot, Okay?

Coop!

Coop!

I'm just so--

COO-O-O-O-P!!!

You run like a girl!

Ahh.

Jackson: Carter, she is stalking me.

[SLURPS]

Who?

This lady.

Amy.

Amy. Right.

Yeah, Amy is her name.

Yeah, I know.

You know, I'm having a problem remember her name.

I can't believe you're complaining about a hot stalker.

I can still hear her voice screaming after me, as I ran, full speed, by the way, down the street.

What-- what's going on with your hand?

Ew. Gross.

Vaseline. Worked when I was a kid.

All right, will you help me with this problem, please?

Oh, now you ask for my help.

Yes.

Yeah, when I asked you for help, with my little jar problem, the little pickle that I'm in, you turned your back on me.

No, I didn't.

You--

I did not.

You--

I--

Mm.

I did not.

Carter.

Mm.

All right.

You know what? You're right.

I turned my back on you, and for that, I am really, really sorry.

All right, you help me, I'll help you.

Done.

All right.

It's a deal.

Here's the thing, with this girl, this lady--

Amy.

Amy, right.

Yep. It's still Amy.

Okay.

I'm worried it's gonna, like, escalate and get really crazy.

Yeah, like a "Basic Instinct" kind of thing.

She's going to boil a rabbit in a pot.

Well, "Fatal Attraction."

Yeah, "Fatal Attraction," too.

Yeah, basically.

I'm gonna need two hands for a problem this serious.

Oh, I see.

All right, well, what have you tried so far?

Cold, heat, lube.

Might have to go over to Lenox Hill E.R., your favorite place.

I'm sure it's not the worst thing they've seen a hand stuck in.

Is that your suggestion, really?

A hospital? You know I hate hospitals.

You remember that time I tried to deliver that kush to the hospital?

Mm-hmm.

And I had that panic att*ck, and you had to drug me just to get me out of there.

Yeah, that's one of my favorite memories of you.

All right, I'm starting to formulate a plan.

Okay.

And it goes like this.

Ow. Are you out of your mind?

Ow! Ow!

Sorry. Sorry. God.

Cut it out.

You're going to break the glass right into my hands.

What, is it made of titanium?

My god, it's like a super-bionic jar.

What the f*ck?

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

You all right? Sorry.

It's okay. I'm okay.

I thought that would work.

What if I have a jar hand for the rest of my life?

A hook would be better. It's more useful.

A hook would be great.

Hooks are-- that would be awesome.

A stump I think would feel--

I'd be self-conscious walking around with a stump.

But, you know, a hook-- a hook, you kind of like-- you can kind of take on the mantle of Captain Hook, you know, have a little bit of that flavor.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[SCREAMS]

You okay?

Oh, My God. Oh, My God. Are you bleeding?

[GROANS]

I'm sorry.

Look!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

You got the pickle!

Aaaah!

Oh!

[LAUGHS]

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Yes!

You made it!

Oh, God!

All right, man!

You're back!

Give me a hug.

You're back.

Yeah.

Oh, God, thank you.

Okay, you're free.

[LAUGHS]

Thank you.

You're welcome, pal.

Thank you.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, man. Good pal.

Yep.

[SIGHS]

That's a pretty good hug, buddy.

Mm.

All right?

It's a little-- it's getting a little too long, okay?

Oh, God. Thank you.

You're welcome.

All right.

Moving right along, one problem solved.

All right, we have a two-hand solution.

If there's one thing I can think of that will repel a girl that's completely obsessed with you...

All right, I'm listening.

Okay.

Hey, stranger.

Hey.

You never called.

No, I didn't, and I am really sorry about that.

That's okay.

I forgive you... by having sex on your desk.

Ooh, love that, but you know what?

I'm just a little busy right now.

What do you mean, busy?

I'm just finishing up our summer share.

"Our"?

Oh, yeah, our house on the beach.

If we want to do it, we've got to do it now.

Wait, "We"?

Yeah, we. You and me and my parents.

Your parents?

Yes, my parents.

You have no idea how many women I've tried to convince to go out there for the summer with me.

It's two months with my parents, right?

It's not a life-long commitment.

[LAUGHS]

I mean, obviously, it's leading towards a life-long commitment.

But it's gonna be awesome.

Just you and me and fun in the sun and sand, and my mom's award-winning apple pancakes.

Doesn't it sound amazing?

I, um...

Of course, it sounds amazing, because it's perfect.

It's a perfect place.

It is the perfect place for a proposal...

Maybe a pregnancy.

That's a lot of P's in the Hamptons, with my parents-- that's another "P."

[LAUGHS] Um...

Wait. You look worried. What's wrong?

Don't worry. I talked to them. We can totally share a room.

Um, Coop...

Yes, sweetheart?

You seem like a really nice guy.

Thank you.

And I've been having a great time with you...

I think we've been having more than a great time, sweetheart.

But it's just all this stuff about the time-share, it's--

It's thrilling? You can say it.

It's what you've always dreamed?

Uh, no, uh...

Wait, is there a problem?

You're freaking me out.

What? How?

Well, because you're talking--

It's because I love you, isn't it?

Oh, God, I said it. See? There.

I'm not afraid to express my feelings.

Oh, My God.

I love you, Amy.

You are the one, and we are gonna get married, and we are gonna have children, and we are gonna grow old together, and we are gonna get sick together, and we are gonna die together, and they are gonna bury us next to each other.

And I'm not talking about side-by-side plots--

I'm talking about the same plot.

Like this.

Like life-long lovers, just like this, you know?

Wait, Amy.

You're a freak!

Amy, please.

Don't call me again.

The side-by-side plots-- that's a nice touch.

Had to go big.

It's a calculated risk.

Thank god, it worked. Jesus.

She was hot, though.

Yeah.

I mean, sure, she was gonna lay eggs in your throat while you slept, but, boy, I mean, those are nice legs.

She had nice legs.

Yeah, but she was so crazy. She had to go.

Had to go.

What'd you do today with your free hand, big boy?

This and that.

If you did this and that in my apartment, I'm gonna throw up right now.

Ah, God.

Hey, did you get a look at the girl selling books in the corner of the park today?

Glasses with dark hair, really cute?

Are you seriously gonna step up to the plate again?

Hey, man, you don't stop Joe DiMaggio when he's on a hitting streak.

Your body is not a temple, it's a cr*ck house.

I'm just saying, did you see her?

Yes.

All right, she's very attractive in that kind of like, East Village, "I wear too many layers" kind of way.

I was thinking about going over there tomorrow, maybe purchasing some Beckett.

Ehh.

No? It's too much?

I don't know.

It's my new philosophy, man.

I'm just gonna-- I'm gonna take life by the balls.

I'm gonna enter coffee shops and I'm going to scan the room, and I'm going to see who I find attractive, and I'm going to approach and speak.

Sounds like a great plan. Yeah.

It's funny. You know, Lisa...

[CHUCKLES]

...when she did what she did, you know what she told me?

She told me that she kept her engagement ring on while she slept with the guy.

That's pretty f*cked up, right?

That's a dark hole, man.

That is a deep, dark, S*ddam Hussein-caliber hole.

And here I am, all this time later, I finally run into Natalie, and I spend five minutes with her, and it's all I can think about.

And not just dating her, right?

Like, I have to have her, I have to possess her.

You've got to swim with all the fishes in the sea to decide who you want to swim with for the rest of your life, right?

I mean, not all the fishes.

Yes. Yes. This is my new philosophy.

Monogamy is dead. It's archaic.

It is an idea from a bygone age.

Polyamorous existence-- that's the way to go, moving forward.

That's me. That's my life. That's what's happening.

You know, with all due respect, I think that sounds like a lot of crap.

Really?

Yeah.

Why?

Come on. You're smarter than that.

When, you know, you're 20, you can sleep with whatever you want, you know, anything that walks.

Now?

Come on. STDs aside, don't you want something a little more meaningful in your life, yeah?

You sound like you're full of sh*t, man.

Okay.

Mm.

You don't have to be a d*ck about it.

A d*ck?

You're a mega-d*ck.

You're a giga-d*ck.

You're a tera-d*ck.

You're a mega, giga, tera, exa.

You're an exa-d*ck is what you are.

"Peta."

Oh, it's peta?

You're a peta-d*ck.

Okay.

You're seriously being an assh*le right now.

You know what's really happening right now?

You haven't been laid in forever, and you're taking it out on me.

It's jealousy.

It's rearing its ugly little head, pal.

Jackson: Oh, you're gonna leave?

All right.

You really are a d*ck.

Carter?

[DOOR CLOSES]

I'm gonna just pay for both beers, okay?

♪ I once spoke to a meter maid ♪
♪ She said she liked the work but not the pay ♪
♪ Writing tickets while you run away... ♪

Hi.

♪ ...afraid ♪
♪ I said "Hey" to a polar bear ♪
♪ He said he liked it here but not over there ♪

So, where are you guys from?

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

♪ It's like teaching architecture to an Eskimo ♪
♪ You can show him everything you know ♪
♪ He's still gonna build it out of snow ♪
♪ I'm gonna take my long division down to Mexico ♪
♪ Where I can divide all night ♪
♪
♪ I said "Hey" to an astronaut ♪
♪ He said he wishes he could pick his spot ♪
♪ He said he likes to go out a lot ♪
♪ And not quite make it back ♪
♪ It's like teaching architecture to an Eskimo ♪
♪ You can show him everything you know ♪
♪ He's still gonna build it out of snow ♪
♪ I'm gonna take my ticket and kick it down to Mexico ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm gonna fly all night ♪
♪ Been around the world ♪
♪ I've been around the world ♪
♪ And I've seen... ♪
♪ Know what I mean ♪
♪ ...enough to know what I mean ♪
♪ Ticking in my mind ♪
♪ I got this ticking in my mind ♪
♪ And it's about time ♪
♪
♪ Well, all right ♪
♪ I set the record with Joan of Arc ♪
♪ She knew her destiny before that spark ♪
♪ She got her orders and she played her part ♪
♪ It's like teaching architecture to an Eskimo ♪
♪ You can show him everything you know ♪
♪ He's still gonna build it out of snow ♪
♪ I'm gonna stand with my feet deeply rooted ♪
♪ To the ground below ♪
♪ I can survive all night ♪
♪