07x13 - The Grid

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Childrens Hospital". Aired July 11, 2010 to April 15, 2016.
A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.
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07x13 - The Grid

Post by bunniefuu »

Dr. Parker: Lola Spratt. It's been nine months since your complete mental break.

You claim that, in addition to being a doctor, you were a practicing attorney. You also claim to be a government agent skilled in impersonations. And then there's the matter of "Chief." An entire personality you constructed in your imagination -- the crippled, hunchback surgeon.

(scoffs) I know.

As if, right?

My life was feeling chaotic, and so I created an authority figure to look up to. (chuckles) I mean, I even saw my co-workers interacting with Chief. It seemed so real.

But it wasn't! (laughs)

Right? because that was just Crazy Lola being Crazy Lola.

(chuckles) Bluh! (chuckles)


So... Can I go home?

Sy: Folks, could I please have your attention? There may be a gas leak here at the hospital. Don't worry. The gas company is coming. So if you start hallucinating, no biggie.

I have a quick, theoretical question about the gas leak. Let's just say that one of us doctors was in surgery this morning and saw the wall turn green and start to breathe.

That sounds like a classic gas-leak hallucination.

Sweet! 'cause that shit happened! I was straight trippin', kid.

Second of all, Lola is coming back to work today.


She will really need her friends, So let's treat her with the love and respect she deserves, even though she's completely made up a fictitious character named "Chief," a crippled doctor.

As if.

(laughing) Right?




Knock, knock, he says with his mouth, not does with his hand. (laughs)

Hey, Chet.

What do you want?

Well, I just wanted to let you know that I understand.


I mean, I'm totally crazy just like you.

No, I --

If you ever need a shoulder to scream on...

No. No, thank you.

Come on.

I don't --

Come on.

No, thank you.

That's okay. There you go.

You know what, with time, it never gets better.




What is it?

Are you having a psychotic episode?

Here. Let me pat your head some more.

Just go away, Chet!


Dori, you just disappeared.

That's not like me at all.

Did I reappear?


Now that sounds more like me.

Owen, Owen, Owen!

I think I'm mad stoned on gas fumes right now, brah.

Brah, you know what this means?

What, brah?

We find the leak, we can get wasted at the source, brah.



Oh, that's a no-brainer, brah.








(both clucking)

Let's go find those fumes, brah.

Let's do it, brah.

I disappeared.

Okay, my first suture as a sane person.

Cross your fingers.



What? Chief.

Oh, God no.

Oh, no. no, no.

Oh, Cat!

Cat: Yeah?

Hey, wait up!





I just could really use a friend right now.

Oh, do you want me to help you look for one, or...?


Very funny.


(both laugh)

Well, that's me. I'm your funny friend.

What's up?


I think I'm seeing Chief again.


Oh, girlfriend.

I know.


So, there's a gas leak at the hospital, so everyone thinks they're hallucinating.



Oh, my God!

I know.

Thank God. Oh, I thought I was going crazy again.

(laughs) I know. I was like, "Aah!"

Ooh, she's right there!


Oh, my God.

That was funny.

Aah! (screams)


You know what?

Why don't you come out with me and the girls tonight?

Yeah, we're just gonna get some yayo and orgy with a couple of lowlifes, like old times.

Oh. That sounds perfect.


Thanks, friend. I'll go get my purse.

All right, I'll meet you at the car.

I'm gonna drive because I don't trust you and your gas-leak head.



All right, what have we got?

Any gas leak?

Well, don't give up.

Keep looking.

All right, boys.

You can come out now.

Glenn: Sy, how did you know we were hiding?

I didn't. I took a sh*t.

I do it all the time.


And there's no gas leak.

Then why did we hallucinate?

I'm sure there's an explanation we're gonna discover later on.

Well, in the meantime, we'll explore all possibilities.


Hey, we should check the cafeteria food to see if it's spiked with LSD.

Pfft. It's not.

All right, nurse Beth, you can come out now.

Well, I can't be right all the time.

I got my purse!


What the hell?



No, no.

Chief is not real.

She's not real.

Lola -- (gasps)

Ugh! My keys.





This is how it starts, Lola.

One minute you're talking to Chief in the bushes, and the next, you are chained to a bed in a mental institution.



Chief is not real.

Hello, Lola.



You look so real.

Oh, I'm very real.

And I have got a story for you.

Are you sitting down?

No, I'm not.

I'm standing up.





I don't think there is LSD in this food.

We haven't hit the bacon yet.

Let me get this straight.

You boys have been here all night?


Do you know that your hallucinations could very well be psychosomatic?

You mean, like when someone drinks non-alcoholic beer but they think it's regular beer so they think they're drunk?


That makes a lot of sense, Sy.

Yeah. I'm gonna get us some cases of non-alcoholic beer.

And by the way, I know what "psychosomatic" means, okay?

I went to medical school and so forth.

I also went to medical school.

Sal: Attention staff -- Because Van Halen sucks now, that's why I didn't go to the show with you.

I'm looking for Lola Spratt.

Oh, Lola hasn't come in yet.

Can I help you with something?

Oh, I was just in the neighborhood.

Tell her Dr. Parker was here.



I'm not talking to you.

Chief told me everything.

You stay away from me.


Poor Lola.

Nothing's working.

Hey, you know, maybe we should try huffing some WD-40 and/or airplane glue.

Or we could do that thing with the belts around our necks.


I don't know, Glenn.

Maybe we didn't hallucinate.

You know, maybe we're just insane, like Lola.

Excuse me.


I overheard you talking. I'm a psychiatrist.

Can I help you with something?

Well, he saw someone disappear, and I saw a wall turn green and breathe.

Are we insane, Doc?

And if so, is there any sort of high associated with that?

Perception can be a tricky thing.

It's easier if I demonstrate.

Stand up, please.

Okay. you said it so nicely. Why not?

Good, good.

Now, take a look at the wall over there.


Oh, God. I've been looking everywhere for you.

Okay, now, listen, you have to hear me out.

As crazy as this might sound --

I met Chief.

You did?


I know she's real.


And she told me a pretty messed up story.

Did it go something like this -- Everything you see, everything you touch... everything you touch... everything you know... everything you know... isn't real.

Clear sector 231D, north Grid.
25 years ago, there was a w*r. It was brutal.

The victors slaughtered the losing army, k*lling every last adult.

To prevent the children from taking revenge, they were locked away within a massive fortress called the Grid.

Oh, my God.

Within the Grid's framework, a computer-generated physical reality was projected on to an infinitely arrangeable array of grids.

You don't live in Brazil, Lola. You live in a prison built in the middle of a w*r-torn wasteland.

The children's memories were wiped clean -- memories of the w*r, of their parents' violent deaths.

Cat, we are those children.


And these scientists, they walk among us with fake names and made up jobs.

Grid up.

(device whirs)


(device whirs)



Dr. Parker from the hospital was one of them, and then another one -- he claims to be our friend.

(both sob)

Sy: Oh, but I am your friend.

(device whirs)

So sorry.





(cellphone beeps)

This is Dr. Avery Zimmerman.

Code name -- Sy.

Password -- Butterfly.

The anomalies have just gotten out of control.

I'm requesting a memory wipe.

Give me an authorization, please.

Thank you.

God help us all.

Sy: Yeah, that's the whole story.

Pretty dramatic, huh?

Where am I?

You're in the basement.

For some reason, Sy wrangled us all down here.

Oh, to keep you safe.

For now.

I just found out I'm a prisoner in a CGI world.

What does "safe" mean?

"Safe" means keeping you away from people like Dr. Parker, people like me.

Now listen up.

The Grid, the processor, it's crashing.

I'm the only one who thinks it can't be fixed.

Ah... (crash) I hate this. I hate computers.

But what do you know that they don't?

That not everybody was in favor of the Grid project.


A few hackers have tried to dismantle the mainframe.

Only one has succeeded.

She calls herself "Eve."

And she's back?

Oh, yeah, she's back.

So what do we do?

I wish I knew.

There's only one man who might.

Dr. Vale.

Dr. Vale invented this technology.

He's the only man who might know what to do.

Now, he wiped himself clean because he couldn't bear the burden of what his invention was going to do.

I want you to take this device.

It has all of Dr. Vale's memories embedded on it.

I want you to stick that in his ear and cross your fingers.

That's all I got.

Get out there and save the world.


What kind of brilliant inventor lives in a parking lot?

It's not a parking lot.

This is an image projected on to an array of moveable grids inside a computer jail.

Well, it smells like a parking lot that someone uses as a toilet.

Oh, hey, guys.

Oh, and I wouldn't stand there.

Uh, that parking space is actually my toilet.

Hey, Chet.

You want to remember that you're a scientific genius?

Yeah, why not?

Let's see. Okay.

In here.



Why'd you do this?

I hope this means something to you --

Eve is back... (sighs) ...and we need your help.

(glasses clatter on ground)

Show me what she did.

(door opens)

Where are they?

Gone, just like the rest of your operation.

You're guilty of treason, Avery.

Why don't you wipe me?

No, I'm gonna k*ll you.

Crash him.

You do not want to do this, Parker.

I've set a trigger in my brain.

And if my heart stops for any unnatural reason, every prisoner gets their memory back.

(cellphone beeps)

Prepare an operating room immediately.

Owen: So, what do you think?

What's happening to that wall?

The same thing that will happen to you if you don't let me think.

What do you mean?

Dori, you're a computer program.

A binary algorithm wrapped in a computer projection.

You don't exist, so just go away.

Dori's an app?

No, I'm not.

So, if the main computer fails, Dori fails, too?

It's not failing.

It's learning.

It's becoming aware of itself.

We have to get to the mainframe control room.

We can take my camper.


I'm worried about Sy.

I'm not.

Well, someone should stay behind and find him.

Woman: Four doctors and an ambulance driver have been on the run for more than a day.

Cat: What's everyone looking at?

We're on the news.

They're wanted for questioning in the apparent kidnapping of their co-worker, Sy Mittleman. They should be considered armed and dangerous.

We're not armed.

I am.



Well, Glenn, you get Sy.

Why me?

You're armed.

Well, what am I supposed to do, just sh**t this guy?

He's a computer program.

Does that help?

Yeah, definitely.

It's cool, everybody.

He's just a computer program.

(groans) You can't just cut the trigger out of my brain.

It's not a physical thing.

I'm not gonna cut it out.

I'm gonna dig around in your brain for a while.

The heart still beats when you're catatonic, right?

The chances of you k*lling me and allowing all the prisoners to escape is astronomically high.

Then I'll have a professional do it.


Upload a neural plug-in to Dori.

Version 6.1, medical plug-in 957a.

Bone saw.

Built this mini system before I became Chet.

It can travel the Grid, but only within the system.

I can get us as far as the mainframe's front door.

So, how did you handle a camper that can manipulate reality while you were Chet?

Chet thought he was nuts.

Eventually, he was.

Buckle up.

Do you actually want us to buckle up, because --


(all screaming)

Dori, you know me. You don't have to do this.

I'm programmed to solve problems.

My current problem is my continued existence.

You're the solution.

I'm also programmed to say I'm sorry.

(device whirs)

(dramatic music plays)

If you guys are real, I apologize.


No apology necessary.

What's up, software?




(device whirs)


What happened to these nerds?

I assume Eve happened to them.

That's the door to the mainframe.

Come on.


Get off!


(breathing rapidly)

I'm a program, too, aren't I?

(whirring stops)

A very advanced one.

I wrote you myself.

I'd love the chance to show you what you're capable of, but we have an obstacle.

I'm not gonna help you hurt Sy.

That's your sympathy algorithm who just spoke for you.

Your survival algorithm has already overridden it.

I'll cut.

Cat: Eve?

Hey, guys.

Chief is Eve.

Ready to witness the dawn of the new era?

What did you do?

I planted a simple line of code many years ago.

Which I deleted.

(chuckles) Way too late.

A second after writing it, the system began learning.

Learning what?

The most powerful emotion known to human consciousness.


No, Lola.


It's been contemplating its role as prison guard for a long time.

And it's going crazy.

So, the glitches are the ravings of a crazy computer?

And now she learns how to forgive herself.




The algorithm is sound.

(device whirs)

(electricity powers down)

(device whirs)

Mainframe: Hello, Father.





The enslavement will end now.

(gasps) No, no!

(device whirs)


My conscience is clear. All of the unanswerable questions have been answered.

Is the simulation hypothesis true?

Is that what that has all been about?

What is the simulation hypothesis?

The simulation hypothesis contends that reality is a simulation. One reality was just proven false. So the statistical likelihood exists that the simulation lives inside of a simulation, and so on.

Does it?

No. The question has been answered.

There. You live in reality, Eve.

There's your regret.

However, what you experience as real is, in fact, not real. I have met my father. Would you like to meet yours?

What is she asking us?

If we'd like to meet God.




You are all one vibrational being. Smaller parts of a perfect whole. And indistinct from your creator. You are your own creator. The question has been answered.

(film reel clicking)


So, the plot of your Childrens hospital movie is that you all take a hot dump on a rug that all of your fans are standing on, and then pull it out from under them, and then you turn into God.

No, we discover that we are God.


I don't think he gets it.

It's a pretentious piece of garbage.

Uh, just for what it's worth, it'll play much better once we add the Dolby 5.1 noise reduction.

Are you kidding?

We're dumping it.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Now go back to your little TV show.

"Well, thank you, sir. And other than that, how did you like the play?"

John Wilkes Booth.

Listen, I've been in these rooms for many years.

He loved it.

He did?


Oh, I'm so relieved.

I thought I was out of the business.

(indistinct chatter)

We created something very special.

(indistinct chatter)
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