01x08 - Given to Fly

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Crowded"...

Where's your mother now?

Oh, she left when I was a kid.

It's nice having one of those older ladies in the house who takes care of you.

Do you think maybe what you're really missing is your own mother?

Hey, Mom.

It's, uh, Mike.

If you get this, please give me a call.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Thanks for letting me tag along for the traffic report, Mike.

Oh, very excited to meet Guy in the Sky.

His first name is Guy. That's why that works.

Thanks for the breakdown.

I don't get what the big deal is... he's just traffic.

Oh, traffic is the only news that actually matters.

Somebody d*ed? What can I do about it?

Local elections? Who cares?

But Guy in the Sky gives you news you can use.

Hey, that's good. Write that down, Mike.

Mike, it's Jim from the news desk.

Guy should be there momentarily.

Thanks, Jim.

Hey, Guy.

(GROANS) Hey, Mike.

There's the great man.

What's up? You don't look so good.

I really tied one on last night...

(LAUGHS) And also this morning.

I need to lie down for a bit.

That's not good.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

So Dad's mom never called him back?

No, and I feel guilty, because I'm the one who pushed him to call her.

I just wish there was some way we could get in touch with her, at least find out if she got the message.

Why don't we track her down?

That's a great idea.

I've watched so much "Catfish,"

I know exactly how to find people.

And I can tell you if it's really Dad's mom or a gay guy in Indiana.

We'll pursue leads and analyze data, like Nancy Drew... slim and attractive, popular without trying.

Maybe I'll find my own Ned Nickerson.

And he'll worry about me, because I'll be searching for clues in hidden caves and abandoned mills.

But after I cr*ck the case, oh, he'll scold me, but I'll know how proud he is by his kiss.

(SNAPS FINGERS) Come back, Shea.

I don't want to.

Let's do it.

Let's find your dad's mom, But don't tell him. We don't want to get his hopes up.

And, Alice, you can't tell Bob.

Oh, I tell him very little.

I treat him like a stranger.

Keeps it hot.

♪ ♪

And I'd say, after being rescued from the fire, that was one hot dog.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Good one, Jim.

Thanks, Heidi.

And now, with the traffic, let's go to Guy in the Sky.

Guy.

Guy, wake up. Guy!

Oh, God, the red light's on.

Everything okay up there, fellas?

Well, uh, see, Guy is, uh...

Uh, Guy is, uh, temporarily unavailable, but, uh...

I'm Bob Moore, here with my son, Mike, and we are... the Pair in the Air.

What the hell are you doing?

The traffic.

We can do this.

Jim, I'm looking down at the 5, and if you're on it, you're screwed.

Looks like there's an accident.

Figures, it's a German car... from the bastards who brought you h*tler.

No offense to our German viewers.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

Uh, yeah, Dad, they've brought us lots of wonderful things...

Gummi Bears, Heidi Klum, Detlef Schrempf.

Remember when he played for the Sonics?

Sure, the white one.

Don't get me started on the Sonics.

Why did they ever leave us?

Dad, let it go. That was ten years ago.

So? Your mother left me 40 years ago, and I'm still pissed about that, and I vowed if I ever got on TV, I would use this forum to make a statement.

Screw you, Linda.

I'm sure that's all super helpful to all the people in the cars down there.

Okay, fine.

There's an accident on the 520, so better take the 405.

I used to be a cop, and there's never speed traps there.

Trust me, you can do 100.

Yep, that'll stop all the accidents.

I'm just saying...

I knew a guy who got a hand job doing 120 on the 405.

And he just might be in this copter.

Maybe that's enough for the traffic.

On behalf of Jim, the Channel Ten AccuNews Team...

(SPANISH ACCENT) This is Heidi Lopez-Barrancas.

Hey, Heidi, how come when you say your name, you get all Spanish-y?

You never hear an Irish anchorman say, (IRISH ACCENT) "This is Jimmy McCarthy reporting to you "from the Potato News Network, investigating who stole me Lucky Charms, eh?"

For God's sake, someone please cut his Mic.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Ooh, that's them.

Quick, act normal.

Leave it to me. I'm an actress.

Wow. Today's been one normal thing after another.

Not for us.

You guys watch the traffic report on the news?

No one under 70 is gonna say yes to that question.

Well, they will now.

We took over for Guy in the Sky, and we are a hit.

Especially with young men... the most coveted demo.

They love it when we get angry with each other.

All those decades of painful bickering... worth it.

Oh, my God. You're trending.

Everyone's tweeting about the cranky old r*cist guy.

I guess that's Grandpa, right?

Of course it's Grandpa!

Well, I can't take all the credit.

I mean, Mike is a fine sidekick.

You're the sidekick. I'm the one flying the chopper.

You're like one of those crotchety old Muppets up in the balcony.

I'm Kermit.

If you think for one second you are Kermit...

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Let's save this for the show.

You got it, partner. How about a beer?

Oh, no, you guys should go out.

I bet somebody recognizes you and buys you a beer.

She's right. We should go meet our public.

Yeah.

Let 'em know it's all for them.

Show them that fame hasn't gone to our heads.

Later, ladies, from Bob Moore at the Door.

Ooh, that's a good one.

I'm freestyling.

Okay, let's get back to work.

♪ ♪

So we know that Mike's Mom is going by the name "Linda Davis," and we've narrowed it down to four possibilities.

I wish we knew what she looked like.

Bob got rid of all the pictures of her, but I might have a lead on Linda number two.

I hope it's Linda number three.

I Zillowed her house, and it's worth $4 million.

She sounds nice.

She's just rich.

I've been taking care of you since you were little.

Yeah, but New Grandma can take care of me the rest of my life, so...

Guys, I got her.

I found Grandpa's old address book in the attic.

I called an old neighbor.

She was dead, so I called another old neighbor... also dead... as was the third neighbor.

Shea, skip the dead people.

Anyway, the seventh neighbor remembered Dad's mom moving to Rainier Valley, which checks out with the address of...

Linda number one.

Great work, Shea.

I Nancy-Drew'd the heck out of it.

Of course, if I were Nancy Drew, I'd jump in my blue roadster and go see Ned.

He'd be so proud of me.

We'd hug, and then he'd throw me on his bed and rip my clothes off.

Shea.

Sorry. It's been a while.

Let's go.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Wow. We could be meeting the woman Bob loved before me.

Our grandmother.

What if she looks like me?

What if I'm about to see my face, but old?

Guys, we shouldn't do this.

Please let me be better than her.

Please let me be better than her.

Yes.

♪ ♪

Hi. Are you Linda Davis?

Uh, that depends.

Are you Animal Control?

Because I have a completely normal number of cats...

12-ish.

You have 12 cats?

Six, nine, what do you want from me?

Um, I'm Martina Moore.

My husband is Mike Moore, and these are our daughters...

Stella and Shea.

And what about the one in the back?

Adopted?

No, she's not my child.

She's my mother-in-law.

Oh. Hey.

Anyway, I know this is a lot to take in, but are you Mike's mom?

Because if you are, we'd like you to be a part of our family.

I'd like that.

I am.

I am Mike's mom.

Oh, we found you.

Oh, please, come in.

Cats, we have company!

And you better be on your best behavior, Holden Pawfield.

This one hates phonies.

Like the book.

What book?

Oh, my God.

I think I've actually seen this episode of "Hoarders."

Stella.

Don't be rude.

Oh, no. (CHUCKLES)

I was actually on that show.

It was their second-highest-rated episode ever.

Not that I like to brag.

(LAUGHS)

Now, Linda, Mike left you a message.

Did you get it?

I did.

I just didn't know what I had to say to him.

You know, I looked a lot like you when I was a girl.

You did? What happened?

Oh, lots of drinking, partying, and sleeping around.

I'm gonna need a minute.

I did not think today was going to be my wake-up call.

Well, let me get you a glass of water.

I make my own.

Wow. Dad's mom seems... a little, you know.

She is rather...

Crazy.

Bitch is crazy.

Look, all signs do point... to the bitch being crazy, but... she's still Mike's mother.

Here you go, Stella, My twin.

Now, um, Linda, uh, Mike would really like to see you.

And we want to get to know you better.

Oh.

And as much as I want to hate you for breaking Bob's heart, if you hadn't, he wouldn't have found me.

So what you're saying is I'm a hero.

What?

No.

You are all so sweet, but, I mean, look at me.

Who would want me to be their mother?

Aw.

Listen, Cat Grandma.

What if we gave you a makeover?

Oh, that's a great idea.

That would give you the confidence to see Mike again.

And we could help you clean up your apartment.

These newspapers are from 15 years ago.

No!

Don't touch those.

I-I-I haven't finished them yet.

I'm just in the middle of reading about Brad and Jen's fairy-tale wedding.

If those two don't make it, I give up on love.

Aw, that's so cute.

You haven't given up on love.

You could meet a boy hoarder.

Think of all the stuff you'd have.

Ooh, it's like looking in a mirror.

Stop that.

♪ ♪

Hello, Seattle.

(AMERICAN ACCENT) This is Heidi Lopez-Barrancas.

And now it's time for traffic with everyone's new favorites, the Pair in the Air.

How's it looking up there, fellas?

Well, thank you, Heidi.

From up here in the catbird seat, it looks like the 405's a little backed up.

I'm a little backed up, Mike.

That's a (BLEEP)show down there.

What? We've got that 7-second delay.

No, we don't. There's a whole email thread about it.

Subject line... "Please remind Bob there's no 7-second delay."

Well, (BLEEP) me.

You know, Mike and I don't agree on much, but what we do agree on is the tastiness of Kenny's Subshack's foot-long sandwiches.

Now what are you doing?

I got us a sponsor.

As we say in the business, I'm paying some bills.

This is 12 inches of meaty goodness.

That's what she said.

What is wrong with you?

Sorry. They're infectious.

Worst (BLEEP) sandwich ever.

We're not still on the air, are we?

♪ ♪

A final pass with the lip brush, and...

Ta-da.

Oh, my gosh, you look beautiful.

Your cats won't recognize you.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, it... it's just a figure of speech.

I'm not so sure I want Bob seeing you looking so good.

Alice, Bob belongs to you now.

Tell me, did he ever hold you close at night, stroke your hair, and sing "How Deep Is Your Love"?

Never.

Same old Bob.

He didn't do that with me either.

Oh, you're all so nice.

I'm having so much fun.

I feel like I've finally come home.

I never want to leave.

(CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

Oh, that must be Mike.

I got to go!

Oh, no.

You can't go. I will help you through this.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm not ready.

I need some cats.

Where... where do you keep your cats?

Look, honey... it's your mother.

Hi, Mike.

Aren't you gonna say anything?

Yeah, who are you?

I've never seen this woman before in my life.

Oh, my God, everyone.

This is not the real Mike.

Wait. So you're not his mother?

What the hell's going on here?

We tried to track down your mother, and she said she was your mother.

Why did you lie to us?

Well, honestly, I've been so lonely, and you're all so nice, and didn't you guys say when you first started that if you could help just one person, it would all be worth it?

No.

None of us said anything like that.

Son...

I've got a great fight for the show tonight.

Remember when you thought you lost your baseball cards?

You didn't. I sold 'em.

Who's this?

I'm your fake ex-wife.

And am I crazy, or do we still have some chemistry?

You're crazy.

I got to stop phrasing questions like that.

(SIGHS)

Okay, I can explain.

Bob, don't freak out, but Mike called his mother.

She never called back, and so I went out looking for her.

You called her?

How dare you do that without telling me?

Calm down, Dad. I'm a grown man.

I can call whoever I want.

Not her.

I'm allowed to want a relationship with my mother.

No, you're not!

Of course I am!

I'm... You're... I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want to talk about it either.

I got to go. I'm out of here.

I'll meet you there. I'm driving myself.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Well, that went a lot better than I thought.

It did?

Well, earlier today, when I was lying to you about being Mike's mother and picturing how all this would end, I pictured a lot worse.

I really think we dodged a b*llet.

I-I pictured b*ll*ts.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

And now it's time for Seattle's favorite, irrepressible Pair in the Air, Mike and Bob.

(CHUCKLES) Who knows what crazy things they'll say next?

(BOTH LAUGH)

And fun fact... we now do have a 7-second delay.

(CHUCKLES)

Guys, I'm laughing already.

Uh, guys, we're on the air.

Uh, right.

We have got a jackknifed truck on the northbound 5 at exit 166.

So get off at Seneca Street or take 7th to...

How the hell could you call her without telling me?

'Cause I wanted to.

After what she did to us?

I've only heard one side of the story.

Yeah, the right side.

Guys? The funny traffic?

Oh, shove it up your ass, hairpiece.

Look, I just missed her.

I just miss having a mother in my life.

She left me too, you know.

Yeah, but I was just a kid.

Come home one day, and she's gone.

And you know what you told me? "Don't cry."

How could you tell a 7-year-old boy who just lost his mother not to cry?

Because I knew if you cried, I would fall apart, and I didn't want you to see that, because...

(VOICE BREAKING) Men don't cry.

They soldier on.

You know, you're right.

We hold it together, even when it's difficult.

(CRYING)

She shouldn't have left you.

She shouldn't have left you either, Pop.

I really tried to be enough for you.

I know you did, Dad.

Jim, Heidi, back to you.

Oh, we cut to commercial.

I wonder if that's a bad thing.

No way. We got real there.

It was raw, honest.

Our fans love us.

I think we're gonna be just...

Fired. We got fired.

Yeah.

Apparently, grown men crying on the air doesn't test well with the young male demo.

Yeah, it's all over Twitter...

# Sky Pussies.

Oh, this one's funny.

This guy says you should "grow a pair in the air."

Retweet.

I've never seen you cry before, Grandpa.

And me. You never saw me cry before.

That must have been a big shock.

Yes, you were positively dry-eyed when the Mets lost the World Series.

Two games. Two games we had leads going into the 9th, one going into the 8th, and then Collins had to leave Harvey in.

I just...

Yeah, I don't want to talk about it.

Anyway, I thought women liked it when men cry.

Both: Eh...

I cried on "Hoarders."

Second-highest-rated episode... just saying.

I'm trying to think of the least offensive way to ask, "Why is she still here?"

She likes us.

And we like her.

She's just a cool little cat lady that I'll never turn into.

Honey, I am so sorry.

We should not have done this behind your back.

It's all right.

Your heart was in the right place, and I love you all for that.

I love you too.

Mike, I'm sorry I pretended to be your mother, and I don't know why your real mom left, because I would do anything to be part of this family.

Both: Aww.

Thank you...

Fake Linda.

My name is actually Linda.

Is it?

No.

Well, look, maybe this is a sign I shouldn't try to find my real mom and I should just concentrate on the people who actually want to be a part of my family.

Like me.

Sure, why not?

Forget your mother, Mike.

That woman is nothing but trouble.

Hey, Mom.

It's, uh, Mike, your son.

It's, uh, been a long time, maybe too long a time.

So, if you get this, uh, please give me a call.

(SERIOUS MUSIC)

(ENGINE TURNING OVER)

♪