03x01 - El Caboose

[bunniefuu]

♪

[woman singing in Chinese]

[snoring]

[woman gasps]

You were expecting something fun size?

Out! Get out!

Tyson, it's me. Hey, it's Pac.

You know him?

Yeah, I know him.

[exhales]

Thanks.

So, you look, uh, different.

It was time to read the tea leaves, bro.

Weed's practically legal now.

My supplier's dead anyway.

[man moaning]

Do you f*cking live here?

Yeah, yeah, I f*cking live here.

This is my f*cking house.

So, wait, where you been hiding out, man?

You think maybe we could hide together?

What do you think for hide duration?

Like, 50 years?

Nobody told you?

What?

Roofie took the fall for both Nana and Camomile.

What?!

Mm-hmm.

So he's back in jail?

Nah. Lucky son of a bitch fled the country.

Made it all the way to South America.

Made a damn good name for himself, too.

Wow.

Well, good... yeah, good for him.

Living it up.

Nah, he's dead, too.

What?!

♪

[people cheering]

[groaning]

You live by the ass, you die by the ass.

It's how he always wanted to go.

Take care of yourself, Pac.

Yeah. Wait... wait, Tyson.

Let me ask you one last thing.

You think maybe you could borrow me a little money?

I gotta get the f*ck out of here, man.

I can't handle it anymore. The smell of jizz makes it almost impossible to enjoy creamy foods.

Why don't you take a ghost case?

f*ck ghosts, man!

Freelance work is for suckers.

I need a steady income, you dig?

Why don't you just get a job here, soft hands?

I have a job. I'm working here right now.

Only pays enough for this room.

Trust me, nothing around here comes easy.

I believe that.

I couldn't help but overhear.

Sounds like you're looking for an easy score.

f*ck off.

I d*ed with dr*gs on me.

Don't give a sh*t.

You deliver them, you get paid.

Oh, f...

Not gonna happen, dude.

Clean up, room five!

Big stain on ceiling.

Okay, I'll get to it.

Before it dries, chub-chub.

I'll get to it!

A short walk and you'll have dr*gs on hand.

It's that simple.

[man moaning, screaming]

Oh, yeah.

Clean up, room six!

Ceiling, floor, curtain!

Okay, maybe I could take a short walk.

♪
♪

Hey, does anybody here drive a black hearse?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think it's being towed out front.

Oh.

Yeah.

Eso.

[exhales]

Whatever. Let's make this quick.

Mm-hmm. No dr*gs on you.

What a surprise. f*ck it. I'm out.

No, no. Hold on.

What?

I didn't lie to you.

You did lie, you liar!

dr*gs on me. On me.

What do you mean?

Way up onside me.

Are you trying to say "inside me"?

Ah, mm-hmm.

Inside you?

Yes.

[sighs]

I am the son of a drug mule.

I don't care.

Don't do it. Don't you f*cking dare!

And not just any drug mule.

The most legendary drug mule to ever clench his cheek on God's green earth.

His name is "El Caboose."

Notorious among cartels, gangs... he's even dipped his rectum in Tinseltown.

They say he once kept a thermos of soup warm up there for 48 hours.

I don't buy it.

And he was a terrific father to boot.

I was actually born in Mexico.

Legend has it he carried me across the border...

Don't say... in his anus.

In his anus?

Wow.

All I ever wanted was to be in the family business, to follow in his bowlegged footsteps.

Unfortunately for me, I d*ed on my burro's maiden voyage.

Right, let me guess.

The dr*gs leaked into your system and you d*ed of an overdose?

No. Free Chex Mix at the airport bar.

[scoffs] So much bacteria in there.

Cool story, bro.

Lots of good details in there, but you gotta be out of your g*dd*mn mind if you think I'm gonna go rooting around in your recently deceased assh*le to pull out some f*cking dr*gs.

You do the drop, and you'll get $5,000.

Do you have a lube preference or a... you know what, I'm just gonna skip it altogether and punch-f*ck my way in there.

Maybe one courtesy spit, no?

Okay.

Mm.

Okay.

[squelching]

Oh, that's surprisingly accommodating.

Okay, what exactly am I looking for in here?

Five heroin balloons.

There's three, four.

Oh, that fifth one's being a little... a little devil.

Yeah, it's worked its way up into your large intestine, I think.

Got it. Okay, here they come.

[squelching]

I got it!

[laughing] Hey!

Yes!

Ew!

Still right on schedule.

I have until sunset tonight, hmm.

[door slams]

Oh, f*ck, someone's coming.

Oh, sh*t. Okay.

sh*t! Oh, f*ck. What do we do, what do we do?!

Relax.

Take a deep breath.

[breathes deeply]

And just jam them up your ass.

What?

Seriously?

Just f*cking do it, man!

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, okay.

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, right?

Okay.

[grunts] There it goes!

Okay. I did it.

Wait, why the f*ck did I do that?

I'm wearing cargo pants.

Son of Christ.

I can... explain.

Don't bother.

There's no Tinder for people like us.

What's Tinder? "People like us"?

Oh, God, I am foaming at the puss right now.

Oh, no. No. Why'd you put those two words together?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no, no, no.

Ooh, yes, baby. Let me take the lead on this one.

I am so hot right now.

No, I can't. I really can't. I can't...

I can't because I just got out of a long-term relationship and it still stings.

Oh, yeah. Me, too, baby.

I had a big, strong fireman right on this table last week and I sat on his face until I broke that jaw.

I gotta leave.

How can something so cold be so hot, am I right?

Yeah, but more like... no.

Get in there, come on.

No!

Get... [gasps]

What on earth is going on in here?

Mr. Lowell! This man assaulted me!

What? I... no. What?

This pervert, he forced his fetish on me and he made me violate myself with this sexy dead corpse.

Good God.

No, come on now, Mr. Lowell.

Aren't you just a tad bit suspicious about the way she worded that?

Quick, Mr. Lowell, help me perform a citizen's arrest.

What?

Okay.

Toilet in the back if you need to unload.

[stomach gurgling]

[groans]

What are you doing? We have a drop to make.

You think I wanna be in here?

[scoffs]

Ugh!

[stomach gurgling]

[groans]

Can't poop in public, huh?

Uh...

Yeah, me either.

You know, I always thought someone should invent an app that takes pictures of your bathroom at home and then projects them into any public pooping scenario.

You know, sort of trick the brain into emptying the bowels.

[stomach gurgling]

Hey, that's... that's actually a brilliant idea.

You should make that.

Yeah, I'll get around to it.

Yeah, cool.

I'm Clyde, by the way.

Hey, Clyde. Kevin.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Smelly handshake you got there.

I know, it's... it's been a long day.

Hey, I hear that.

Hey, did you know that it's illegal to smoke weed in the home theater section at Best Buy?

That's not true, is it?

Ridiculous, right?

Is that how you got arrested?

Ridiculous.

What?

I mean, how are you supposed to test out a new living room if you can't even smoke weed in it?

That seems like a perfectly reasonable request to me.

And I'm a perfectly reasonable man.

You know, furthermore, you know when you check out at Best Buy and you see these old-ass computers?

They sell f*cking state-of-the-art computers...

If you had to smoke weed out of any shampoo bottle, one, two, three...

Pert Plus.

[laughing]

One time, I got so f*cked up that I tried to make friends with an entire colony of ants.

Yeah, I sat down beside them and I was like, "Hey, guys, I'm just a big ant."

You can build a hill in my place.

"I'm cool with it."

[stomach gurgling]

I can't hug a woman for more than 10 seconds without getting a boner.

Yeah.

Doesn't apply to my mom, of course, but it applies to female cousins.

I'm not proud of that.

So at its essence, it is a pizza, but it's covered in chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers.

Now, I know what you're thinking... the cheese and the marshmallows are gonna clash, but they don't.

How the f*ck have I never thought of that?

And I was just like, "Hey, I'm just a big ant. You can make a hill in my place if you want."

Is that crazy?

[chuckles]

You're kidding, right?

That... that's my story.

I told you that, like, 20 minutes ago.

Wow. You're a really captivating storyteller.

I literally felt that happened to me.

No, that was me.

Wow.

Right?

[laughing]

So you feel... you're feeling better?

Let me find out.

Yeah.

Actually, yeah, I am.

Good.

Thanks, man.

[sighs]

Clyde, I gotta tell you something.

Yeah?

The reason I have a tummy ache is not because my guts are full of poop.

The reason I have a tummy ache is because I'm currently in the process of transporting a large amount of heroin in my bum.

Whoa, you're a butt smuggler?

[stammering] I don't really like that term.

I'm certainly not like a 9-to-5 career butt smuggler, but I'm just helping the ghost of a butt smuggler.

That's another thing. I'm... I'm a medium.

Like, I can talk to ghosts.

I help them finish their unfinished business so they can move on into their light.

That's f*cking awesome!

Do you think it's awesome?

Oh, yes.

I thought you were gonna say shitty.

Mr. Pacalioglu.

Yeah?

Charges were dropped.

Huh?

You're free to go.

Oh.

It was really nice to meet you, Kevin.

Yeah, yeah. You, too, Clyde.

You know, you can call me Pac.

Okay, Pac.

Yeah.

You should call me Clyde.

Okay.

All right, man.

Wow, this has been so good.

So good.

All right, Pac.

Mm.

[clears throat]

Okay, one sec.

Hello?

Your wife is here to take you home.

Your wife?

My wife?

[inhales]

Oh, I was so worried about you.

Sorry about earlier. I couldn't lose my job.

Where are we going? Where are you taking me?

What... what is that? What are you doing?

It's me being sexy.

Oh, I think you're supposed to lick the top lip.

Oh.

Is that better?

No, not really.

Let's go finish what we started.

Oh, you're hurting my arm! God damn it!

Oh, God. [stomach gurgling]

You think maybe I could just take a rain check on the sex?

How about I make it rain on your face instead?

What?

[tires screech]

Oh, f*ck.

[horn honks]

Oh, I don't think so.

I'm having a bit of a stomach issue today.

It's gonna get messy, I think.

Well, isn't that exactly why God invented goggles?

I don't know. I have no idea.

Could you undo the child locks? I'll jump out right here.

[grunts]

[groans]

♪

[slow-motion] Whoa.

Oh, dear God.

Oh, my God. I look like a wrestler.

Oh.

Oh, hey.

This is okay, right?

Yeah.

[gasps]

♪

Nothing is off-limits, baby.

I don't know...

Oh, my God.

You brought friends.

I just wanna make you happy.

We're off to a good whoa... excuse me, guy.

This is a private function.

Just go with it.

Okay. [laughs]

Okay, who is that?

That's him, isn't it?

Oh, God, what... dude!

Get off!

What?

What?

Oh, no!

What's wrong?

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t! No, this is not okay!

What?

Oh, sh*t!

[shouting]

Oh, so you're the only one who gets to finish?

♪

[stomach gurgling]

Sorry about accidentally trying to have sex with your body like that, man.

It's not gay if you're dead and... and you don't feel it, right?

No, that's not gay.

It's not any kind of gay I've ever heard of.

And it's not gay if you're watching the entire time and you get a little turned on.

Because, you know, still dead, right?

Yeah, well... yeah.

Are you gay, Manny?

No, I'm not... no.

It's cool to be gay, man.

Everyone's a little gay, right?

Hey.

Let's get these dr*gs out of you, hmm?

Can I get a little privacy, please?

Seriously? You were wearing my anus like a hat in there.

God. Okay, yeah.

Fair enough. Fair is fair.

You can watch. You can watch me poo.

Mm. Well...

Here we go. Ready? [strains]

Don't look, like, right at me, but you can stay in the room.

[grunts]

It's like it's wedged.

Lodged in there. I can feel it.

Oh, God. Get... [groans]

Out... of... me!

I'm pushing!

It's not... it's not happening.

They're really f*cking stuck up there, man.

That's not good!

No, it's not good.

Try the accordion. Now push.

I'm pushing. I'm pushing.

Push it real good, huh?

f*ck! I'm pushing so f*cking hard!

[stammering] Should we try some laxatives?

Do you have any laxatives on you?

Those things take hours.

They do?

Yes!

Oh, sh*t.

We need a fast and full release.

[grunting, groaning]

I don't think this horseshit is working.

[stomach gurgles] It's not working!

Ah, God!

Oh, f*ck, I just want them out of me.

[stomach gurgles] Oh, God. Oh!

Almost over.

Okay.

Okay. [grunts]

[slow-motion screaming]

Oh!

That feels better.

Was that just the balloons?

There's only four.

It's gonna work.

It's passable.

Really?

f*ck no. We gotta go, man!

f*ck!

♪

This is it?

We made it.

Go to the last booth.

Okay.

Okay, order the spaghetti and meatballs.

Spaghetti and meatballs, okay. [clears throat]

Thank you.

I will have, for my entree, the spaghetti and meatballs.

God, I hate it when they don't write down your order.

Hi.

You're not one of our mules.

No.

This is Manny's drop.

Manny's dead.

Maybe so, but it's all here.

You don't mind if I check out the merchandise, do you?

[whimpering, stammering]

Eenie... meenie... miney!

[gasps]

[exhales]

You okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm okay. Thank you for asking.

I just... I was... I was kind of expecting a "Mo!"

You don't run into many Mos in Mexico, so we generally stick to just eenie, meenie, and miney.

That's good to know.

That's that good sh*t.

Manny made his drop.

What?

My Manny?

Papa?

But he's gone.

Mr. Caboose, sir, it is an honor and a privilege to meet you.

I have heard many, many incredible things about you and thermoses.

My name is Kevin. I'm a medium.

I've been talking to the ghost of your son, Manny.

His last and only wish was to deliver this drop for you.

That's my boy.

I always knew he had it on him.

In him.

Thank you, Pac.

You got it, Manny.

And, hey... hey, sorry about having all that sex with your body again.

The less we talk about it, the less it happened, no?

I like that. [chuckles]

Adios, cabrón!

What was that about having sex with...

Huh? Nothing. No, nothing.

Don't worry about it.

Manny mentioned something about payment for the drop.

Is that, uh... is that on the table?

Here you go.

Oh.

That goes for 5K in the streets.

I'd really prefer cash.

If your anus is interested in more work, just let me know.

All right, I'll have my anus call your people or...

Okay.

♪ ♪

Clyde, what are... hey, what are you doing here?

Hey, I had a great time with you in jail today.

Yeah, me, too, man.

But did you... did you come here just to tell me that?

Well, I was thinking, you know, after you left, like, we should jail together again sometime.

And then... but then I was like, f*ck jail, you know, 'cause jail sucks.

And then I thought, like, "Wait, we don't need jail."

What... what are you saying?

My apartment is so much better than jail.

I have my own bathroom.

We can smoke as much weed whenever we want and I figured you could tell me more about ghosts.

You want me to live with you?

What do you say?

[man moaning]

I say let's get out of here before that guy cums.

Come on.

[man moans]

♪