03x03 - Bong Pong

[bunniefuu]

Hey, there's a guy who looks like he's ready to take the world by the balls and never stop squeezing.

Oh, that's it?

That's it.

How nice and simple.

Here, eat this.

This for me?

Yeah, breakfast burrito!

I can't have my business partner pounding the pavement on an empty stomach.

Oh, my God!

f*ck, come on, man. Smaller bites, smaller bites!

Yeah, or maybe make a tighter burrito...?

Really?

Was that our first fight?

Yeah, I think so.

[chuckles] Well done.

You, too.

Let me get that for ya.

[whirring]

That's working like a charm.

Aw!

Oh, man!

That was my best vacuum.

Damn it, that was my only tie.

Well, it was your tie, but all right.

Well, I better take my leave.

Don't wanna be late on my first day, right, business partner?

You're right.

Here, don't forget this.

No, no, no.

I'm not really a coffee guy. Makes me sh*t.

Neither am I.

f*ck, what?

Thermos bong.

What do you think?

I think you're the best business decision I ever made.

Time for a quick rip?

It's 8:00 in the morning.

Yeah, right.

I'm just kidding!

Oh, f*ck, you got me, man!

♪
♪

Kevin Pavarotti?

Uh, yeah. Close enough.

Hi, I'm Spencer. I manage the store.

What? "The" Spencer?

No. It's just a fortunate coincidence.

I'll say.

Uh, let me show you the problem.

So, when I go to close up for the night, these lights just won't shut off.

Mm-hmm.

Our electric bill is insane.

I bet. Okay.

Well... sh*t. Well, sir, I am a true professional and I will not rest until I solve your ghost case.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Pac, you have made it.

[chuckles]

Lap of luxur... sh*t.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

No, no, shh.

Hey, I was enjoying that!

No, shh, no, no, no, man. The show is on.

You're talking about that?

That is not a show. That's a lamp, okay?

Shows have things like characters and storylines and... oh, sh*t.

That one just split into two. Look at the little baby.

I hope the baby's okay.

All right. I get it.

That's a good show.

But, unfortunately, the show's been cancelled.

Oh, boo, man! Not cool!

Who are you?

I am Pac.

Well, I'm Weasel.

Well, Weasel, I am a medium and I'm here to help you.

You can see ghosts?

I can.

Prove it.

Like, by talking to you?

Yeah.

Oh. [laughs]

Yeah, you got there.

Nice.

Okay, tell me why you're still sticking around.

I don't really remember, man.

Okay.

All right, then. Fair enough.

What is the last thing you remember?

I was going somewhere.

Okay.

Any idea?

Oh! Uh, Taco's!

Going to get some tacos.

No, no, no. I was going to my buddy Taco's.

You were going to your buddy.

Yeah.

He is named Taco.

Yeah!

Got it.

Oh, wait. But, no. Hold on.

He wasn't home. I was, like, really f*cking hungry.

So I decided to go get some tacos.

You're going to go eat some tacos. Okay.

Now I'm totally on board. Got it.

But the taco place was closed.

So I decided to go get Mushu instead.

Mushu. Excellent choice. You were still hungry, after all.

No, no, no, dude.

Mushu is my girlfriend.

What the f*ck, man?

She owed me money and I decided to collect so I could go get some...

Tacos?

Ice cream.

No, man. The taco place was closed.

You're not listening?

You're a bad medium. You're not listening to me.

And that's when I settled on Thai food.

Okay, Weasel.

What happened... after you ate?

Oh, I had to fuel up for the thing.

What thing?

It's the Bong Pong-a-thon, man!

It's, like, the biggest bong pong tournament in the Tri-state area.

Okay, now we're getting somewhere.

What exactly is bong pong?

It's like beer pong with a twist to it.

Is the twist that you smoke bongs instead of drinking beer?

The greatest game ever.

Did you ever make it to that tournament?

No, man.

No.

I got hit by a ret*rd bus.

Oops.

I left my partner high and high.

Never won the championship.

Okay, well, bingo.

That's it. That's your unfinished business.

We gotta find your partner and win that tournament.

Far out, man!

All right, let's get this show back on.

Hey, who the f*ck are you again?

Doesn't matter.

♪

It's busted.

[saw whirring]

Wait till you meet Nugget, man.

He's, like, the chillest dude ever.

Awesome. I love chill dudes.

Ahem.

I believe I may be looking for your son, Nugget?

Nugget?

Nugget.

No one's called me that name in 25 years.

Nugget? Is that you, man?

Holy sh*t, dude, you've aged terribly.

Okay, well, this is gonna sound, maybe, a little bit weird, but I am a medium and I have been talking to the ghost of your old friend Weasel.

"Easy Weasy"?

He needs your help.

Of course!

I'd do anything for that guy.

Okay, he needs you to enter the annual Bong Pong-a-thon this weekend and he needs you to win.

I can't do that.

Yes, you can.

You just need a little confidence.

I'm the Chief Resident and the Head of Neurosurgery at the most prestigious hospital in the city.

I can't smoke weed.

But we need you, Nugget.

But we need you, Nugget!

Nugget is dead.

[door closes]

Whoa, man.

Hold on.

Nugget's dead, too?

I feel like I just saw him, man.

Come on, let's go.

Whoa.

Of course I've heard of bong pong.

It's like beer pong, but with a twist.

Yeah, well, the bigger twist is that this guy's partner, Nugget, is a 40-year-old brain surgeon who doesn't smoke weed anymore.

What are you doing?

Well, you know how our vacuum cleans good, but it doesn't clean great and you and I have sort of been trying to figure out ways to make it more powerful?

I've never once thought about the vacuum.

There's a huge market for industrial-strength vacuums, man.

I could knock on any door in the city and sell one.

Clyde, I believe you and I don't care!

I have a ghost case to solve, man!

Why don't you just ask the ghost if you and I can enter?

Uh, no go, bro.

One of you can play for me, but the other one has to be, uh... uh... be, um, we just saw him.

Nugget?

That's right. Nugget, man.

No go, bro.

It's gotta be Nugget.

Okay.

Team Brain Damage'd has to win.

And it's not Team Brain Damage'd without...

Nugget!

Nugget is a brain surgeon, right?

Pretty smart guy. We're smart guys.

So...

Right.

All we have to do is fight smart guy fire with smart guy fire.

[siren blares]

You again? What?

What are you doing here?

Yeah, hi. My brain is kind of f*cked up.

I was wondering if you could take a look at it.

Excuse me?

The tiger is in the barn!

What... hey!

Hey! Ow! Oh, stop that!

Stop that, please!

Hey, what the hell is going on?

Come on, come on!

Yes!

Mm!

We have pictures of you in a private room with a naked man.

Looks like you're gonna be competing in that Bong Pong-a-thon after all.

Guess you're not the only smart one in the room now, are ya, Doc?

Your... your lens cap is on.

Pfft. [chuckles]

Yeah, nice try.

Oh, sh*t.

f*ck.

I wish I could help, but I haven't played bong pong in forever.

I haven't even smoked weed in, like, 25 years!

You haven't smoked weed in 25 years?

Okay, all right, you know what? Ahem.

Fine, we will leave.

Okay.

But only after you take a hit from this joint.

I don't know. I... I'll pass.

You can pass, but you've gotta puff-puff first.

If my wife found out I was smoking pot again, she'd ground me.

[exhales]

I mean she would leave me. She'd leave me!

Your wife sounds like a huge c**t.

She's very particular.

Particularly huge c**t.

I mean... I mean, sure, sure, we could have sex more often than the third Thursday of every month.

And it's true, it could be a position other than missionary.

And, yeah, she decided I was vegan, but a quinoa steak is... [sighs]

Give me that f*cking joint.

Yeah, here.

[sneezes]

Ugh!

Sorry.

The first one always makes me sneeze.

Yeah, on my tits.

Towel the door.

Yes! I'll use my robe.

Dr. Morris, dial 118.

Nugget, now, you've been out of the game for a long time.

Long motherfuckin' time!

And weed has changed.

We got a whole bunch of new strains and cross-strains and hybrids and... we wanna make sure you're prepared out there.

Okay.

That's why I've compiled every type of weed that there is.

And we're...

Gonna smoke the sh*t out of it?

You bet we are!

Oh, the batteries are weird.

You gotta... you gotta get it just right.

Montage song, kick in already!

♪

Oh, that was close!

[coughing]

You're f*cking sad, both of you.

Throw shorter.

[coughing]

Oh, God.

Throw f*cking shorter.

[coughs]

Oh!

Oh!

[pager beeping]

What? Open up.

I'm supposed to be operating on the mayor.

Right now.

[coughing]

Oh.

But seriously, I have to go.

[monitor beeping]

Scalpel.

Forceps.

Doritos...?

No?

How about, uh... how about some reggae music?

Huh, set the mood?

All right, let's put a clamp on that.

[monitor beeping]

Are we still doing this?

Cue the music.

Sweet!

Come on!

♪

[grunting]

Wait, how... how is this useful?

Shh, just trust the process.

Okay.

♪

[gasps]

Ah, yeah!

This was such a great day!

Oh, we are gonna crush this "tourniement" tomorrow.

"Tourniement."

"Tourniement," is that... is that right?

Tournament.

No, no, that's definitely not right.

Tournam... holy sh*t, I have no idea anymore.

Tour-na-ment.

"Tour-nament."

"Tour-na-ment."

Alfred!

Alfred, are you...?

Stoned?

No.

You're grounded. No tournament for you.

That sounds right.

Who are you?

That's...

Alfred, come.

♪

I'm sorry, guys. I can't do the Bong Pong-a-thon.

Shelly really put her foot down.

Hey, we're gonna break you out.

Wait, why are you whispering?

Oh, I don't know. Duh. [chuckles]

It's useless. She's... she's got me on lockdown.

It's cool. We got a plan.

Does your plan involve trying to pose my wife with a naked guy and then using the pictures as blackmail?

No!

We need a new plan.

I've got one.

♪

[knocking on door]

Well, isn't today your lucky day?

Can I help you?

No.

But I can help you.

Really?

Jack Slenderson, Clypac Vacuums.

I'm sure you've heard of us.

We're one of the big dogs in the vacuum community.

I haven't.

Excuse me.

W-wait, uh, shoes off!

Now, when the science doctors at Clypac set out to revolutionize the way we suck sh*t up off the floor, they knew they had to think outside the box.

Which is why this comes in a case.

That's still a box.

May I... c**t-inue?

See that blue cord?

That blue cord hooks up to the Internet.

That's what really makes the R2D2 so incredibly special.

Now, the R2D1 did not have several features.

Obviously, you've got some nice fancy lights here, but it's incredibly functional.

In fact, let's fire it up right now!

[whirring]

You feel that power?

You feel the power in your p*ssy?

It's like Christmas following a Sunday morning!

It's very loud!

You know who hates this sound?

Dirt.

I do, too!

♪

[laughing, chatter]

Oh, uh, excuse me. Do you know where the sign-in is?

Oh, yeah, sure!

It's just right up inside my sister's stretched-out p*ssy.

Oh.

Did she say it was in her sister's p*ssy?

"Stretched-out p*ssy."

You did it, man. You got Nugget.

Yeah. Some of the competition around here is pretty mean.

The key to bong pong is extreme focus.

Like, laser-f*cking foc... holy sh*t, man, look!

Okay, come on. Let's go do this.

♪

Here we are at the 36th Annual Bong Pong-a-thon.

Where does the time go, huh, Gary?

It's un-f*cking-believable, Jerry.

It really is. Really is.

First-round matches are underway and right now, Team Brain Damage'd find themselves in the middle of a real bong burner with the Frat Buds.

Hey, just... [breathes deeply]

[exhales]

Team Brain Damage'd working off the dust.

Right again, Jer-bear.

[applause]

Come on! What's going on?

I don't know. I... I'm nervous, I guess.

Nervous? You're... you're a f*cking brain surgeon.

Yeah, but that's different.

This is the Bong Pong-a-thon.

The stakes are so high!

Just try and relax and have some fun.

How am I supposed to relax and have fun?

[crowd cheers] Yeah!

Why don't you let 'er rip there, Nuggles?

[pipe gurgling]

[crowd murmurs] Whoa!

Wow!

[applause, whistling]

That was a huge hit, Gary!

He's really taking it up a notch.

I wasn't even looking. Totally missed it, Jerry.

[grunts] Yes!

The doctor is in!

He's a brain surgeon.

I am a brain surgeon.

♪

[cheering]

That's what I'm talking about!

Whoo!

It's awesome!

Whoa!

[laughing]

[grunts]

Our championship match is set.

To no one's surprise, our returning champions, the Tamp-Bongs, have made it all the way into the finals.

But the real story here is that of their competitor.

Coming out of a 25-year retirement, Team Brain Damage'd.

At some point, you have to ask yourself, Jerry, "Who gives a sh*t?"

All right, what is going on with you, Gary?

Susan left me. She took the kids.

[exhales] Jesus.

Do I have to stay here for the rest of this?

Yeah.

♪

Shelly, I would have to be a real maniac to have collected all of the dog sh*t from your neighborhood and pour it right here on your carpet.

Uh, don't. Don't!

Oh, you did that!

Oh!

Oh, look at that.

Ugh!

You ready for the magic?

Yeah.

[motor sputters]

[sputtering]

Well, that's not good.

Well, hang on now, hang on.

I could just... maybe if I just... oh, yeah.

Oh.

Wh...

That's just pushing the sh*t deeper into the fibers of your carpet.

Oh. [groans]

Now the peanut butter has mixed.

It looks like a Reese's Pieces, but a sh*t version.

Here we are. It all comes down to this.

One bong to one bong.

What was that name again? Team Tamp-Bongs?

What, do you shove bongs up your p-chenks?

Team Brain Damage'd doing their best to psych those girls out.

Shove this, cheese d*ck.

[groaning]

sh*t!

[groans]

Oh, my eye. I can't see.

If Team Brain Damage'd doesn't make this sh*t, they're out.

Like me.

Right out of the condo.

I can't see! I can't do it!

Yes, yes! Hey, listen to me!

Yes. Yes, you can.

Okay.

Remember your training.

"Trust the process."

Go deep inside.

Deep inside.

Come on.

Okay.

Shh.

♪

No good! It's no good!

It's all over. The Tamp-Bongs have won it.

Was I close?

No, not even cl... oh, take the blindfold off.

Don't know why you did that. You couldn't see already.

Oh.

You didn't have to add another...

I was trying to use the Force.

I guess I'll go back to Spencer's Gifts.

I'm sorry it didn't work out, Weasel.

It's cool, man.

Tell him, "Me, too."

You can tell him yourself. He's right there.

O-oh, I'm sorry I let you down, Weasel.

But, hey, at least we won in '87, right?

What?

What?

You won the tournament before?

Yeah, 1987.

Oh, that's right, man!

That's totally right!

[chuckles]

Okay, later, 'gator.

Finally done.

You wanna get out of here and get some food?

I'm just gonna take some pills. I'll watch you eat.

♪

Hey, Pac?

What?

I know you think this whole thing was a waste of time, but I just wanted to say thanks.

I really needed something like this.

Oh, oh, hey!

If you ever need brain surgery, give me a call.

I will.

And I will.

Let's get you inside.

All right.

I don't really think that's doing much of anything.

Do you have a vacuum cleaner?

Are you seriously asking me that?!

That's about all the time we have for today's demo.

I hope you've enjoyed what you've seen and, uh, if you have any feedback, negative or positive, please fill out a customer response survey at Clypacs. edu Dot E-D-U?

♪

Listen, you can hear it in my chest. Ah-hh-hh...

The first thing I want everyone to know is that I'm feeling good and sharper than ever.

These chairs are way better than cash, am I right?

Yeah, I was mad at first, but I'm not complaining. It feels great on my shoulder.

I think I overworked it when I ruined that lady's home.

First off, I am banning eggs on Tuesdays.

No more eggs from sundown to sunup on Tuesdays, unless, of course, you're left-handed.

This guy is finally starting to make some sense.

Of course, I'm left-handed, so I'm biased, but...