03x06 - Hawk Smith

[bunniefuu]

[elevator dings]

Dude, are you sure this is gonna work?

Dude, you have his ID. Of course it's gonna work.

Also, he's gonna love you. Are you kidding me?

Honestly, we're not going home tonight.

Yeah, yeah, you know what? You're right.

He is gonna like us.

You know he is.

[knocking]

Yeah, 'cause we found his driver's license.

You know we did!

What can you do without a driver's license?

You can't do sh*t. You can't drive.

You can't vote.

Can't open a Blockbuster card.

We're g*dd*mn heroes, Clyde.

What do you mean I can't get a thousand Cialises in a football helmet by tomorrow?

I don't care if your mother is having foot surgery.

You're a drug dealer and I got my annual f*ck-a-thon party tomorrow.

A hundred? Oh, is that a f*cking joke?!

The f*ck do you guys want?

You looking for this?

We found it at the club, sir.

What?

You gotta get me my boner pills or I'm gonna slap my flaccid penis across your forehead.

I had a bad feeling that would happen.

♪

Okay, so that was sufficiently embarrassing.

Um, you don't think he saw the sleeping bags, do you?

'Cause I don't think we could bounce back from something like that.

Damn it.

How in the f*ck am I ever gonna meet Danny now?

Wait, hold on a second.

I've been going over our client email list for weeks now, right?

Yeah.

One of the clients is a pharmacist.

Interesting.

Yes.

Go on.

You don't know where I'm going with this?

Not sure yet, but go.

Okay, if you help him with his ghost problem, we can just ask him for a thousand Cialises as payment!

That is f*cking genius.

Right?

[bell chimes]

But, Pac, do you really think it's a good idea to ask the pharmacist for pills instead of money?

I think it might be illegal.

What are you talking about?

That was your whole idea!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah. All right, no, don't worry about it.

We're not going to jail or anything.

Okay.

Can I help you guys?

Yes.

We are the ghost guys.

My name is Clyde and this is my partner Pac.

You must be the pharmacist.

What gave me away?

Oh, well, you're wearing the white coat and you're working at a pharmacy, so I put two and two together.

Right.

Okay, well, uh, let me show you my ghost problem.

Yeah, absolutely.

Just climb on over?

Uh, no. Go around.

Oh.

Yeah.

You see that?

This keeps happening.

There was, uh, an incident here a few days ago where, uh, someone d*ed.

Ever since then, it's been chaos.

Pills keep getting knocked over so violently that even the childproof caps are coming off.

Oh, here's the security footage.

Clyde, would you take that, please?

Regarding payment, um, what is your rate for something like this?

Well, you know...

[pills crunching]

Yeah, about that payment, perhaps this job is worth a thousand of those tiny, little golden corn kernels... for your pee-pee instead of the cashola.

Capisce?

We'd like a thousand Cialises as payment instead of money.

[exhales]

Oh.

Yeah, of course.

No problem at all.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

[door opens]

If we'll excuse you, then what?

[door closes]

Hello?

Pac, we did it! We're in!

I thought that was gonna be way harder.

Nope.

It was not.

[chuckles]

♪ We're gonna get those boner pills. ♪♪

And then Danny's gonna have no choice but to make us the f*cking f*ck masters of his f*ck-a-thon, and then...

Whoa!

[hawk screeches]

That's right.

Soak it in.

Huh?

You obviously know who I am.

You're an owl?

What? No!

Hawk.

Hawk Smith.

What the f*cking fart is a Hawk Smith?

I was a vigilante superhero, like Jodie Foster in "The Brave One" meets Batman in "Batman" or "Batman Forever."

Those are the two best Batmans.

I devoted my time to protecting the good people of New York.

Mm-hmm.

Then a couple nights ago, I was standing right over there down aisle five near analgesics fully costumed, of course, when I saw it.

What?

An actual burglar was holding up the pharmacist.

Oh, snap, girl.

At last, it was my chance to stop a real scumbag and stop just b*ating up drunk hobos.

Mm-hmm.

When I sprang into action, he k*lled me and ran off.

So you wanna go b*at up some more hobos?

I wanna find the man who k*lled me and take him down.

Oh.

Gotcha.

Pac, I've been... I've been talking to myself the last two blocks. What are you still doing here?

I found the ghost.

Oh, snap, girl. Who is it?

He is a lesbian Batman dressed up as a bird of some kind.

That's so awesome.

Eh, it's not that awesome.

It's... it's pretty awesome.

So, can you help me?

Yeah. Yes. Yes, we can.

Don't you worry, my friend.

The Owl will fly again.

Hawk! God damn it!

Who said Owl? Who? Who, who?

♪

Okay, keep watching.

Here's where that crud bucket kills me.

Okay.

Give me the f*cking pills!

Talon att*ck!

[grunts]

[neck snaps]

Oh, my God!

Jesus!

Do... do it again.

Okay.

One more time.

Wait for it.

Give me the f*cking pills!

Wait for it.

Talon att*ck!

[Pac laughing]

[grunts, neck snaps]

Boom!

Damn!

Oh, my God!

Do it again, do it again.

Do it again.

This is terrible!

Oh, my God! Holy sh*t!

"I'm gonna go catch this bad guy," but first, let me run out there "and just try and kick him in the f*cking head."

So good!

Oh, God!

What the f*ck was that?

What were you thinking?

It's called the talon att*ck.

It's my signature move.

I thought I perfected it after practicing it, like, 20 times on my bed that night.

Dude, that is on you.

"'Cause of the talon att*ck."

It is not on me!

He was supposed to stand there and take the wrath of my talon att*ck.

Had he not moved, I wouldn't have broken four vertebra that then pierced my brain stem.

So checkmate.

Okay, let's just say you didn't k*ll yourself so we can move on.

Did you happen to notice any defining traits or characteristics of the robber?

Yes.

I remember he had a very disturbing tattoo on his lower back of a dragon sucking its own d*ck.

Okay.

Well, that's not enough to find the guy, so we're pretty much f*cked here.

Wait.

What?

I see something.

Where?

Right there.

Right there, I see something.

What is it?

Zoom in.

Zoom in. More, more, more, more, more.

Okay, enhance, enhance, enhance.

Damn it, Clyde. We don't have that technology.

Damn it! We almost had it!

Hang on.

I've got enhancement goggles in my lair.

It's an uber-secret high-tech hero hut.

To the Hawk's Nest, g*ng!

Nope.

Okay, try 52-26-44.

[door rattles]

Nope.

All right. 26-44-52.

Nope!

All right, just let me... let me face it like a man.

He's gonna...

Wait, this isn't the right unit.

Wow, neat lair.

I know.

What's going on here?

Da-da-da-da-da!

Don't touch that.

That was Grandmother's. No! Don't touch anything.

Don't touch anything?

Yes.

Don't touch anything.

Got it.

Can I touch your computer?

All right.

Okay.

Okay, ahem.

Where's the, uh...?

Enhancement goggles are on the bird.

Wait, are you talking about these stupid old lady glasses?

Yeah. Put them on.

Okay.

[clears throat]

Oh, my God!

Ow!

Whoa!

That's right.

Okay, those work.

Wait, was it that?

What's that on the shirt there? A tiny... a tiny pig's ear?

Whoa, Pac, you're drooling.

♪

[indistinct voices echoing]

[grunting]

[grunting, groaning]

Oinky's. He works at Oinky's.

Damn, you're good.

Thank you.

Come on. Let's go.

Wait!

One last thing.

What?

Hawk suits.

That's the one I d*ed in and that's the original.

It doesn't fit right. It's pretty itchy.

It's basically a piece of sh*t.

Oh.

But it does have a really cool button.

It makes a hawk sound when you press it.

What?

[hawk screeches faintly]

I mean, it probably needs a battery.

Yeah.

Hey, this is a really cool belt.

That's the utility belt.

It's got a kick-ass grappling talon.

Whoa, can I wear it?

Wait, I wanna wear it.

No.

Hawk, who gets to wear it?

I mean, it's a small, so... the skinny guy should wear it.

Ah, okay.

Hawk says that I have to wear it.

Oh, man. Okay, fine. If you're gonna wear it... you have all those compartments and everything... here, hold my keys and stuff.

No, damn it, Clyde.

Why do you always do this?

Bring your own utility belt next time.

Seriously?

God!

I think you have... have the thing stuck.

I know!

I've worn a utility belt before, okay?

[groans] Snug.

[grunts] Yeah!

Perfect fit.

[panting] Okay.

♪

All right.

Let's find our guy.

Yes, sirree, Bob.

But maybe some pizza first?

Oh! So as to not raise suspicion.

Yeah. Yeah, that.

I like that.

Yeah, yeah.

Hi. Welcome to Oinky's.

My name's Miriam. Can I get you some...

Two shrimp pizzas.

I'll have the same, please.

Some water, too, if you don't mind.

All right.

Let's go find that tramp stamp.

Let's do it.

♪ Well, well ♪♪

Whoa!

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

♪ But, girls, listen to me ♪
♪ Do-da-lang, do-da-lang ♪
♪ And take my advice ♪
♪ Do-da-lang, do-da-lang ♪♪

Cheers.

Cheers.

♪ On the right track ♪
♪ 'Cause finding a good man, girls, is like finding a needle in a haystack ♪

[coughing, gagging]

♪ What did I say, girls? ♪
♪ Needle in a haystack, sha-doop ♪
♪ Sha-doop, wah-la, sha-doop ♪
♪ Sha-doop, wah-la ♪
♪ Girls, those fellas are sly, slick, and shy, yeah ♪
♪ So don't you ever let them catch you looking starry-eyed ♪
♪ They'll tell you that their love is true ♪
♪ Then they'll walk right over you ♪
♪ Now, girls, you should know these things right off the bat ♪♪

[grunting]

Oh...

Oh! Help!

Hey! Come here.

♪ Needle in a haystack, sha-doop, sha-doop ♪
♪ Or you're gonna regret ♪

Hey.

♪ Sha-doo, sha-doop ♪
♪ The day you were born ♪♪

Well, that's everyone.

Ah, shart.

Not everyone.

There's still one employee left.

Who?

The prize booth boy.

The prize booth boy.

Oh, the prize booth boy.

How the hell are we gonna check his lower back?

Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Jawbreaker.

More pizza... jawbreaker.

But how are we gonna get 20,000 tickets?

♪

19,997.

19,998.

19,999.

20,000! 20,000!

[yells]

20,005 and 20,006.

That's right, prize booth boy.

One ultimate jawbreaker, if you will.

Sure. [chuckles]

No.

Oh.

Uh, we'll actually take the one on the display.

Yeah, we don't want that one.

It's been up there for, like, seven years.

We'll definitely take that one.

Yeah, we want that one.

Thanks.

[clears throat]

Yeah, that one.

f*ck.

Damn it.

[blows]

[coughs]

You have six tickets left.

I'll take the f*cking Chinese finger cuffs.

Very good choice.

[sighs] God damn it, I feel like sh*t.

It's all right, man. We'll find the guy.

No, no, it's not that.

It's my stomach. I think I, uh...

I think I need more pizza.

[groans]

[stomach gurgles]

Uh, uh-uh. No, wrong!

I don't need shrimp.

I need to sh*t! [farts]

That's weird. I feel totally fi...

[stomach gurgles]

Oh.

Oh, sh*t!

[both farting]

[plopping]

[groans]

[panting] Oh, God.

[both grunting]

Oh, cheese and shellfish. [farting]

Oh, cheese and shellfish.

Why have I ever thought that was a good idea?

[farts, yells]

[sobbing] [squirting]

[farts] That was a whole shrimp.

Oh!

That was a whole shrimp!

[sobbing, farts]

Oh, f*ck! It's some kind of blockage.

Oh, it's a temporary stop.

[squirting, groans]

Oh, it's so briny.

Oh, God!

[moaning]

Oh, man. [panting]

Oh, God. It's like a... it's like a sweat tent in here.

[panting]

[groaning]

Hey, shh, shh, shh.

Holy sh... [farts]

Oh, God!

[plopping] [groans, farts]

[panting, farting] [plopping]

[tapping, snaps fingers]

Oh. [farts]

I know, Pac. Come on.

Just let the poison leak out.

Clyde.

What?

Look.

♪
♪

[zippers zipping]

[toilets flush]

[stomach gurgling]

[retches]

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

[groans]

[slow-motion groaning]

Oh! [groaning] [groaning]

[coins clinking]

Oh, oh, sh*t.

[both panting]

[farts, squirting]

[groans]

Hiya.

Okay. Oh, sh*t. Okay.

Okay. Oh, my God.

I think I'm done.

Okay. Oh, God, I'm done.

I'm done.

[retches]

Oh, no!

Oh, God!

Oh, no!

I'm so sorry!

I'm so sorry, baby!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh.

That's the worst thing I've ever done in my life.

Oh.

Get your sh*t together, guys. He went that way!

Okay. He went that way.

Come on.

[panting]

Oh!

Use the grappling hook!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, now retract it.

f*ck!

Oh, son of a bitch!

I told you let the skinny one wear the belt.

I am the skinny one! Are you blind?

Pac, my keys and phone are in there.

Well, again, maybe if you'd have brought your own utility belt, this wouldn't have happened.

Really? Say it again.

Say it again!

Maybe if you brought...

Not for real! sh*t!

[groans]

Wait, this one's phone is in the belt?

Yeah.

That's actually great news.

To the Hawk's Nest, boys!

[computer beeps]

Nope.

Uh, try "talon att*ck works," all one word.

[computer beeps]

Nope.

Uh, try... try it three separate words.

Mm-hmm.

[computer beeps]

No!

All right, try... boobies6969.

[computer chimes]

Yeah, okay, we're in.

All right, now we just need to log onto Clyde's "Find my iPhone."

Cool. Clyde, what's your "Find my iPhone" password?

It's boobies6969.

[computer chimes]

Bingo again.

That's right by the docks.

He's probably doing the drop right now.

Printing it off right now.

Yes! Clyde, come on, let's go.

No.

I'm done for.

You gotta do this one alone.

What are you talking about?

Don't make me do this alone.

Clyde, I can't do this alone!

You can and you will.

Catch that guy, and when you do, try to diarrhea on or around his face.

All right. [gags]

I will. [gags]

I wi... ah!

[retches]

I will.

[stomach gurgles]

Rest now, my sweet prince.

Is that the hand you wipe your butt with?

Yeah.

♪

[touch-tones beeping]

[phone ringing]

Oh, sh...

Damn it!

Oh, come on.

Who in their right mind would throw away a perfectly good slice of shrimp pizza?

Ugh, I really shouldn't.

Slap it straight on my thighs.

I'm here.

I have the stuff.

Yeah.

Between a black Dumpster and a blue Dumpster.

Oh, we got him right where we want him.

Here's what you're gonna do.

Okay.

Run up on those crates.

Propel yourself onto the wall just next to him.

Then jump, triple salchow towards his head, then let gravity do what it does best.

Are you out of your f*cking bird brain?

Nut up!

sh*t!

[hawk screeches]

[shrieks]

[grunts]

Ah! You're going away for a long time, slutboy.

Please, this wasn't my idea!

He made me do it. He made me!

Who did?

[clapping]

♪

Wow! You did it.

You solved the case.

It was the pharmacist all along.

He robbed his own pharmacy to sell pills on the black market for 10 times the price.

[g*n cocks]

Uh...

Any last words?

Yeah.

Talon att*ck.

What?

♪

[grunts]

Oh.

Jesus!

Ugh.

How many of you f*cking Owl guys are there?

Oh, I can't feel my back.

You know, you're probably gonna want 325 milligrams of hydrocodone for that back.

And for the indigestion, I'd suggest...

[ distant, echoing ]

Kaopectate, two tablespoons.

But there are side effects.

Mild indigestion, bloody gums, bloody stool sometimes, but not often.

[continues indistinctly]

[grunts]

Uh!

You did it, boys!

Yeah!

I think you may have m*rder*d the pharmacist, which I didn't really ask for, but thank you nonetheless.

Godspeed, Owl Man!

Hawk, you fuckhead!

Hawk!

Sorry, Hawk.

Damn it!

What?

Oh.

What's the matter, man?

We got the bad guy!

Look!

Yeah, we got the bad guy who hired us.

The bad guy who was gonna give us the dr*gs we need to take to Danny Poker.

Ah, sh*t.

I didn't even think of that.

Oh, wait a second.

Hold on.

Oh, my God.

Boner pills!

Oh, yes!

Yeah! I...

[sirens wailing]

This is probably all evidence, huh?

Probably.

[hawk screeches]

[knocking]

When did you make the helmet?

Oh, when I was sh1tting my brains out last night.

I like to keep my hands busy.

Ah, yeah, I hear that.

♪

[people cheering]

No, wait, wait, wait, wait!

I can talk to ghosts, too.

♪

No sh*t?

Come on in.

♪