03x13 - Death List Three

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Deadbeat". Aired: April 2014 to April 2016.
"Deadbeat" follows Kevin Pacalioglu, a medium for hire, who attempts to solve various ghosts' unresolved problems, so that they can move on to a final resting place, occasionally with the help of his best friend and drug dealer, Roofie.
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03x13 - Death List Three

Post by bunniefuu »

This isn't my bed, is it?

What the f... oh, f*ck.


Ah, shit. [panting]

What the f*ck?!

What the f*ck?

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Help! Hey!



Oh, come on, baby.


[phone beeps]

Come on, Clyde, pick up.

Come on, come on, pick up, pick up, come on, pick up.


Ah, f*ck you, you one-bar cocktease!

Oh, shit.

[plastic crinkling]

Oh, what's that? What is this?

Oh, thank God.

Oh, this will tide me over until...

Oatmeal raisin. Oh.


f*ck that. What else do I got in here?

What is this?


Yeah, yeah, don't mind if I do.

You know, the macadamia... doesn't just spread its legs for anyone.


It makes you work for it.

I respect that. Don't you?

Let's get down to dick, shall we?


Fresh off the assembly line this morning.

Our first dozen dildos.

There's 13 in there.

You can't have a baker's dozen of dildos?

You guys bake those?

Who the f*ck is this guy and why the f*ck does he smell like Thin Mints?

It's a strand of weed my ex-roommate got in bulk, okay?

I don't wanna talk about it.

He's harmless.

This f*ck's a Goliath, huh?

Goliath is the big one, right?

What, did you mold this after a horse's cock, Adam?

Maybe one of those tiny, creepy miniature horses.


I don't think anybody could imagine a bigger dick.

If we all put our heads together and thought, "What's the biggest dick we've ever seen?" and then you saw this, you'd be like, "Oh, this is bigger."

And here's a prototype of the box.

"Danny Poker's Poker."

Oh, hey... oh, it's, uh...

Got it, yeah.

Can't believe it.

I'm finally in the giant vibrating dildo business.


It's American Dream time, guys.

Ah, there's actually a pretty high-class glory hole around the corner if you wanna blow off some steam out your dick...

Nope, not right now.

I gotta get back out there in the field.

Love that work ethic, bro.

It's a new business, a new beginning, a new Pac.


[electricity crackles]

Oh, f*ck!

Oh, thank God.

Okay. No harm, no... f*ck!

[electricity crackles]


Wait, what are you doing? Whoa!

Aren't you supposed to be in your light?

Okay, well, I guess that was nothing.

[electricity crackles]

You! Please listen!

It's... ah...!

Wait, wait, what was that, awesome?

Awful? Or is that just like a long, Jewish-y moan?

Listen, Clyde, uh, something isn't right.

I haven't eaten, slept, or jerked off either.

Come on in.


Look, we both said things that we regret, you know?

I mean, we were fighting...

Oh, no, no, no, no, sorry.

Uh, that's not what I meant.

I meant something's not right with this.

Oh, wh-what is this?

It's new... it's new tech. New technology.

New tech... new technology for what?

For the, uh... the ghost business that I went into with Danny.

You started a f*cking ghost business with Danny Poker?!

I didn't mean to. It just happened.

We started a website together, assh*le!

I know, Clyde! We have a ton of best friend and business issues to work through, okay?

That's a given.

But right now, I need those to take a back seat, okay?

Danny invented this device that, like, sends ghosts directly into their light, but I have a bad feeling about it.

I want you to take a look at it.

For an old friend.


I can be an adult about this for sure, you know?

What the f*ck? Clyde!

Come on, man!


Ah, f*ck!

Oh, yeah!

[electricity crackles]

Oh, shit!

Whoa, whoa!

What is that?

That was ghosts.

Oh, my God.

They weren't going into their light.

They were trapped like...

Lightning in a bottle.

Ben f*cking Franklin.

Yeah, that's Ben f*cking Franklin.

Listen, we don't have time to keep doing this...

We have all the time in the g*dd*mn world because I'm not f*cking talking to you.

I'm talking to Ben f*cking Franklin.

Okay, Jesus Christ, Clyde, how many times can one man apologize?

Gee, I don't know. What about once?

Did I not say I was sorry?

I don't know.

Did you?

Seriously, though, I'm not sure if you did.

I was so taken aback by jealousy...

I feel like at the door I said I was...

It was like an elevator ride.

Oh, yeah.

Just a few of us at first, riding together on our way up to the afterlife.

Suddenly, there was a flash of light and an extra passenger appeared.

It was t*rture.

Balls on faces on balls on faces.

What's he saying?

The man who birthed that device is pure evil.

He's saying Danny Poker is a dick.

I hear that, Ben Franklin.

So here's what we do now...

I need a human subject, one with a healthy acetabulum.

A what?

Hip joint.


Preferably male.

I'm studying how it relates to the uppermost vertebrae.

Ah, Ba, Ba, Ba, okay, hold on, Ben f*cking Franklin, that sounds like it has nothing to do with stopping Danny.

Yes, that's correct. I've transitioned now to my unfinished business.

f*ck off, Ben Franklin, you selfish dickhead.

No, no, no!

We'll deal with Danny Poker without you. Here we go.

Ben Franklin's out?

Yep, come on.

Let's go talk to Danny ourselves, Clyde.

If he has any more of these devices...

Oh, that sounds like a business problem.

I hope you and your new business partner can figure your business out. It's none of my business.

Stop saying business.

I'm just gonna sit here and handle my own business, thanks.

Yep, just right here.

Just business. "Bid-ness."



We need to talk.

[sniffs] What, did it fall in a puddle of piss?


That is not a shortcut into the light, Danny.

Oh, really?

It's a f*cking ghost trap and you know it.

Look, the way I feel about it is, uh, who gives a shit?

You're torturing those poor people for no reason.

Not for no reason, all right?

For this reason.




Are you using our ghost business to fund your sex toy outfit?


You're blackmailing d*ad B-list celebrities...

Colder. Like, freezing f*cking cold.

It's a f*cking Ponzi scheme...

All right, I'll just tell you.


Ghost power.

There's a ghost... inside that thing?

One ghost charge and this doggie never loses its bite.



Okay, yeah, that is not okay!


No! That... that is... that is partly my fault.

Shit, I'm the one who showed you the light in the first place.

Oh, come on, big boy!

You should be patting yourself on the back!

Danny, you can't do this.

Oh, yeah?

Who's gonna stop me?


And Clyde, you know, eventually once his emotional wounds heal.

But we're gonna get you. We're gonna nail you, you f*ck. We know the truth and we're gonna expose it.

No one is gonna be cool with the souls of d*ad grandmas jammed up inside of tiny, pink rubber dicks!

Easy, Jim.

Yeah, back down, Jim.

I feel like we're saying the same thing here.

We're not.

Why don't we just sit down, relax, and talk about this?

Look, we're reasonable guys.

Totally reasonable.

Sit down and be reasonable guys with us.


Come on. [patting]

What's a compromise here, huh?

I don't know.

Does anybody else's drink taste like horse tranquilizers?

Tastes like a what?

Does it taste like horse tranqs?

Let me see. No, I don't think so.

I think that's just your drink, Pac.

Come on, you piece of shit.

Oh, I'm so hungry.





Oh, it's not even good.



What happened to you?

[coughing continues]

You're spreading your shit everywhere.

Oh, God! [groans]

I confronted Danny about the device.

I told him we knew he was up to some shady shit.

Did this take place in a freshly planted garden?

That f*ck buried me alive.

Wait a second.

He knew that I knew?


I said, "Me and Clyde are gonna stop you", you piece of shit!"

And he did nothing to me.

I guess he decided to leave you alone for some reason.

That guy thinks I'm a bitch.

Yeah, he really does.

You have no f*cking idea how disrespected I feel right now!

Well, to recap, I was buried alive.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?



Oh, holy shit, we finally got one of those!


Danny, his sales associate Adam, and his ghost poker partner Jim.

Quick note, this list makes it look like we wanna do three guys.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, you're right.

That is not the task at hand.


Hey, since we're making a list, could we just add Bagel Bites?

I mean, it's kind of a different list.

Oh, and detergent for the dishwasher.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Why are we wearing these again?

It's a standard revenge onesie.

You sure that's a thing?

Yeah, totally.

Good enough.


Oh, snap, girl!

I can't believe I wasted a good "Ah!" on nobody.

Well, that's the problem with barging in on criminals, right?

You never know when they're gonna be home and it's not like you can call ahead.

That's a good point. I...


Oh, shit.

Oh, is there a ghost?


Where's Danny?

Man, suck my dick.

Is he giving you directions?


He's telling me to suck his dick, girl.

Which technically is a direction, but obviously I'm not gonna do that.

[bones cracking]

Sorry, it was stuck to my leg.

[shaky breathing]

No, no, no, what are you doing? Why'd you do that, Clyde?

I just pressed a button.

Yeah, I know. I could see that.

We were... we were gonna showdown!

I mean, clearly that's the only way that could've ended.

Says you.

[snaps fingers] I knew he had two of those things.

There's no way he would've given me the only one. That'd be stupid.

Right, where are we looking for Danny next?

[exhales] Good question.


Where's Danny?

He's probably at home in the shower soaping the hog that is gonna change the world.

Wrong answer, hombre.

And I hate wrong answers.

We were just at his place. No hog, no soap.

Then he's probably en route to a Japanese restaurant named Katsuya.

Is that Katsuya with a "K"?

Yeah, good question.


With a "K."


He'll be in the back room with three Japanese entrepreneurs all willing to invest $50 million apiece.

Why would...

Why would a dildo start-up cost $50 million?


Why would you tell us all that?

Because I am going to k*ll you and it won't matter.


How can you be so sure?

Because I'm the one with the f*cking samurai sword.



We should've brought w*apon.

What, you didn't?



Wow. Why is he missing so much?

Who the f*ck are you rooting for, Clyde?!




What did you say?

Really? You can dodge a sword, but you can't dodge a punch?

A little less criticism, a little more help, please, Clyde.

That's fine. Listen, I'm gonna kick this sword to you.

It's gonna slide across the floor directly into your hand.

Just f*cking pick it up yourself!

No, no, it's fine. I already committed to doing it this way, okay?

Just f*cking do something, man!

Oh! Oh.

Oh! [sputtering]

Oh, God!

[sputtering] Oh, f*ck!

I didn't mean to do that.

Who kicks a sword like that?

Oh, there's so much blood.

Yeah, I do not feel good about that.

Hey, man, I hate to say this, but I don't think I wanna k*ll Danny anymore.

I mean, maybe we can just find another awesome way to get revenge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we could, uh... we could ruin his business deal and destroy his new dildo dream.

Yeah, let's just do that.

That's where Danny Poker is right now.

Katsuya with a "K."

It's really close quarters.

It's not like we can just walk in there.

Yeah, we'd be immediately surrounded by kung fu k*lling machines.

Isn't that kind of r*cist?


Isn't it kind of r*cist to assume that they're not?


I'm just saying.

Either way, you're right, okay?

We gotta slip in there unprotected and grab those dildos.

What are you thinking, pull the f*re alarm?

We could smoke them out.


Or we could smoke them in.

Ooh, huh?

Yeah? Am I to assume from your silence and nodding that that's intense Japanese enthusiasm or what?

Listen, talking money?

Checkbook? Check-a-book-a?

Money, money. Cha-ching.

Yeah, all right. This guy's picking up what I'm throwing down.


Thin Mints.

Okay, there we go. [grunts]

Okay, come on.

Okay, let's free these ghosts, smash this last device, and be done with this shit.

God, revenge is exhausting.

Wait a second. This isn't gonna work.

What? I mean, it doesn't need to be piss.

You can use soda.

Well, dildos are waterproof.

Rubber's an insulator. I don't know what to do.

Maybe I can be of assistance.

Oh, seriously, Ben Franklin, f*ck you.

No, wait, he's back?

Ben Franklin is back? Ben Franklin is back?

Ben Franklin is back?

Yes, he's back!

This is f*cking amazing! Shh!

Well, let's not jump the g*n.

Insulators conduct electricity if the voltage is high enough.

Surprise, surprise, he's saying a bunch of science-y bullshit.

Ah! Okay. Here, I need you to repeat exactly what he's saying verbatim.

Okay, so you want me to go download Rosetta Stone and learn how to speak verbatim real quick?

I propose that you allow me to take the lead in one of your bodies.

Whoa, no, no, no.

No way, dude. No.

I made it through a whole season without that.

In the name of efficiency, I beg you.

Now, which one of you is more nimble?


What's he saying?

Well, Ben f*cking Franklin would like to possess one of our bodies and do this himself.

The greatest scientist of all time inside me?

Okay. He's ready.

Let's go.

Quick, quick, quick!

There we are.

Okay, Ben f*cking Franklin, let's not make a fortnight out of this, okay?

No f*cking around.

Lead me to the copper wire.

Next, I'll need a strike point.

You! Fetch me two wooden hangers, three silk scarves, and a belt buckle.

Really doing it, aren't we, buddy?

Danny Poker was all like, "Who's gonna stop me?"

And I was all like, "Me and Clyde."

Bet he never saw this coming when he tricked me, drugged me, and buried me alive.

You missed a step.


We tricked you, drugged you, r*ped you, then buried you alive.

What? You f*cking r*ped me?

I'm just f*cking with ya!

What? Oh, my God. Okay.

I'm kidding! Yeah.

Actually, Adam may have r*ped you.


Well, whatever.

It's time for you to die now.

Oh, shit, f*ck!

Okay. [laughs]

What the f*ck? Are you trying to have the last laugh, assh*le?

No, no, no. I have the last laugh.

I sh**t you, you fall to the ground, ha ha ha!

That's your last laugh?

What, you don't like that last laugh?

It was a little cartoony.

What, for real?

You sound like Gargamel.


f*ck, okay.

Oh, f*ck, here we go.


The f*ck is that?

Perfect male hip alignment achieved!

Jesus Christ, Ben Franklin, I knew you were up to something gross.

You're supposed to be f*cking helping us!

Oh, I was helping, but then it looked as though you were about to be k*lled anyway, so I figured why not give this a go?

Don't worry, I've almost arrived.

It's electric. [sucking]


Can you teach me how to do that?



Good luck with everything.

[electricity buzzes]

Well, I guess that's why they called him B.J. Franklin.


I'll f*cking k*ll you!


What happened to Ben Franklin?

He f*cked us.

I mean you a lot more than me, but I'll explain that later.

Ben Franklin is a real...

f*cking genius!

No! [grunts]


You ever wonder how we're kind of the same age and the same complexion and we both can see ghosts, Pac?


It's literally all I've ever wanted to talk about, but you aggressively said that we couldn't.

I'm your brother, Pac.

Oh, my God. Are you serious?

[groans, grunts]

No, I'm not serious.

It's a f*cking coincidence, you monkey.

[g*n cocks]


Thank you, Ben f*cking Franklin!


Dude, are you serious?

This is the dumbest shit I've ever seen, and I once judged a spelling competition in Alabama.

Watch out!


Hey, who waits on a lightning bolt when there's literally not a cloud in the sk... ah!

[electricity crackling]

No, am I... am I f*cking d*ad?

No, this has gotta be a joke.

No unfinished business, though!

Damn straight! Classic Danny Poker.

I guess I did it all, assholes.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, man!

Well, suck my dick, Earth!


Suck my dick, Danny Poker.


Is it over?


Yeah, it's over.

Thank God.

Hey, Clyde?


I'm really sorry that I went into business with Danny Poker.

That was an assh*le thing to do, man.

I don't blame you if you never wanna be my business partner or my friend again.

I'll take you back, buddy.


Yeah. That's what best friends do.

Whoo, we got one.

It feels good when you connect.

Oh, man.

Oh, what a night.

Hey, do you remember what I had for dinner tonight?

I have, like, the most magnificent taste in my mouth.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, it's like... it's like... tastes of power.



About that...

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