02x10 - D.C.

[bunniefuu]

( theme music playing )

O'Brien: A cloud of suspicion hangs over this administration.

Were there cover-ups? Lies?

Selina: Oh, God. I hate impeachments.

They're so '90s.

Well, the president now has the Senate and the House after him. Gonna rain pain.

So what's POTUS's next move, Jonah?

Oh, these lips are on lockdown.

Right. You don't know.

No, I just have a "don't ask don't tell" policy about the things that I know.

Or that I don't know.

Jonah, don't talk, don't stay.

You need to f*ck off and go back to Westworld.

But, ma'am--

You need to f*ck off.

But, ma'am--

I said f*ck off.

Three fucks, you're out.

Yes, ma'am.

Yeah. Uh, guys, everybody in my office, please.

Um, Gary, why don't you come sit here next to me?

Okay.

I've already told Amy this, but I have something that I need to tell you all.

I think I know what you're gonna say.

I've decided I'm not going to join POTUS in the next election. I'm gonna get out.

Yeah.

Ma'am, you have my deepest, deepest sympathies.

Okay, well, I'm not dead.

( chuckles ) My plan is that I'm gonna leave in two years, but then I'm gonna run for president four years after that.

But in the meantime, I obviously can't keep everybody on.

No, it's okay.

So if you need to look for other jobs, then you need to be thinking about that.

No one's thinking about that right now, ma'am.

Furthest thing from our minds.

I'm still digesting the information.

Although I should really take this call.

Yeah?

Selina: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, your devotion to this job...

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

...it's just inspiring, Dan.

He's not getting a call. He's making a call, right?

Hi. Yes.

Can you please tell Governor Chung that Dan Egan is ready for the Chung chat?

( phone chimes )

Hi, Senator McKensie. How are you?

You really think she'll go?

God, that's such a shame.

No, it means I have absolutely nothing to do.

I meant for her.

Still, this might mean that we could spend more time together.

Let's take it one day at a time.

Sweet Jesus. ( chuckles )

Thank you so much for seeing me at such short notice, Mr. Davison.

Happy to, Miss Wilson.

I'm an ardent admirer of your efficiency and precision.

Oh, well, in that case, let's get right to it.

Excellent. I respect your brevity.

It's almost threatening.

Yes, Congressman Kosynski.

Or should I say mentor Kosynski?

Yes, sir. Well, I always thought of you as a mentor.

The father figure my own dad was too weird and distant to be.

Like that night that you stayed over and we read the papers the next morning?

Uh-huh.

That was really nice.

And I thought, yeah, that is something that I could do for the rest of my life.

Yeah, well, you know, I like sleep and newspapers as much as the next person, but...

Right. the rest of your life?

You know, you're gonna get bedsores.

I would have no problem finding you a position within my Dream Metric team. Sound good?

Yes, sir.

We are simpatico.

We have a deal.

Pleasure doing business with you, sir.

Yes, yes. Justice Blackwell, how are you?

Thank you so much for calling me back.

You fast?

Oh, yeah.

They call me the Washington Flash.

( laughs ) I doubt that.

All right, let's get this over with ASAP.

It's not gonna be easy with this big, gangly piss flap over here who moves like-- hey, what do you move like, Will?

I move as slowly as a Mississippi detective investigating the m*rder of a young black man.

That's right. Ready, Mike?

Yeah, abso-- oh. Right behind you.

Hey, ma'am, you know you're gonna break the president's heart with this news.

Wish I could break his spine.

But I can't, 'cause it's made of Jell-O.

Come on, you being veep is the best thing that's ever happened to America.

Gary, it has been sh*t.

No, it hasn't.

It has. I'm getting out.

Oh, Madam Vice President.

What did I tell you earlier?

Again?

Yeah.

Excuse me, Ben. Gonna go see the president.

Uh, no. No, you're not. He's canceled.

And you're gonna meet with me instead.

Ma'am, that is what I was going to tell you earlier today until you told me to--

f*ck off.

Are you finishing my sentence or are you telling me that again?

Both.

Yes, ma'am.

Good. Go ahead.

Congressman... ( laughs )

Wow, you're fast.

Just wondering if you could use a top press guy.

Ha! I really don't have any need for you, Mike.

You're kind of obsolete.

You're like a Viking stuck in time.

I have excellent contacts.

Really?

Very high up people, sir. Very high up.

Maybe you can hook me up with Charlize Theron.

Funny, but I'm being serious, sir.

No, I'm being serious, too. I'd like to f*ck her.

Why'd you leave anyway? You get stuck with your d*ck in the veep's decaf?

No, we just all need new challenges.

We? What, is the whole team leaving?

No, no. No, sir.

Holy sh*t.

She's leaving the ticket.

No, absolutely not.

We had a f*cking deal. I make Senate in two years, we run together as a team in six.

That was the deal.

Why don't you f*cking k*ll yourself, Will?

Let me be clear, sir. She may be planning to run in six years if she was leaving the ticket, which I have not actually said she will.

Oh, f*cking God, thank you for stopping.

You know what? If I didn't already know how shitty you are at your job, you just proved it.

I have some very big news, ma'am.

Well, I have huge news.

In fact, I guarantee you that my news is front-page news.

Your news is probably more like a page six, Kardashian crap news.

POTUS knows how this is all going to end, so he drank the poisoned Kool-Aid from my very big, blue mug.

Huh?

He isn't going to run again in two years.

Are you serious?

No, I'm Joan f*cking Rivers.

Of course I'm serious.

Once the party leadership figures out he's not gonna run, then all the impeachment bullshit is just gonna fade away.

So, um-- so why didn't he tell me this? Why are you telling me this?

Because he couldn't stomach the look-- like that, just like that-- of unbridled joy.

Ben, I am crying very quietly on the inside.

While in your mind you're doing pirouettes on his grave.

Oh, don't tell me you're not happy about this.

You're finally getting out of here.

Well, it's not the job that's depressing.

Life is depressing.

Let's go.

No, I've got it. I can do this.

I'm fine.

( suppressed squeal )

( quietly ) Yes!

f*ck! Gosh!

Ahem.

Hi, Sue.

We'd like to see the vice president as a matter of some urgency.

No.

f*ck this, I'm going in the side door.

You do and Secret Service might break your neck.

That would be a tragedy.

Yeah? Ma'am.

Oh, hi, Roger.

Can we talk?

Of course we can talk. Hey, could I have my yogurt, please?

Oh, here. Don't eat it too fast.

Oh, stop it, Nervous Nelly.

All right, get me something sloppy with a spoon to eat.

Do you want some yogurt?

No, thanks.

You look good, by the way.

Oh, thanks.

What, are you working out or what?

Yeah, I'm burning calories with the old anxiety diet.

Oh.

You know, the anxiet.

If you want to get some cardio exercise, you have to have a heart.

I heard a pretty lousy rumor that you're not running for reelection with POTUS in two years.

Oh.

And that would be disturbing because I kind of need you to run as VP again.

And then I get in the Senate and then you and I run together as a team.

Remember, that was the deal.

Yeah, I remember that.

Where did you hear this rumor?

Oh, I heard it from the Gingerhead Man.

The gash with the stash. McLintock.

What, are you kidding me?

Mike sees knowledge as the enemy. Forget about that.

Then you are running with the president in two years?

I am absolutely running in two years.

And then four years after that, reelection, baby.

What do you mean reelection?

Not reelection. Election at that time.

Yep. Right.

You and I election.

Wait. But why did you say reelection?

What?

You said reelection.

Which implies that perhaps something else is going on.

I meant election. You know what I meant.

But you said reelection.

I meant election, okay?

It's like saying flammable or inflammable.

It's the same thing.

I smell a f*cking rat.

Oh, stop it.

I'll tell you what it is, too.

It's this whole administration.

And I'm gonna light a fire under the whole thing.

Then we'll find out whether it's flammable or inflammable.

Come on, Wilbo Faggins, let's go.

Okay, where are my beautiful veeple people?

There's one. I need my veeple to come into my office, please.

Hey, it's J-Diddy. Ladies get giddy.

Jonah. Hey, listen, settle something for me.

Okay.

You like to have sex and you like to travel?

Yes, ma'am.

Then you can f*ck off.

But I shall be right here if you need me.

Like the mighty oak that stands for-- ma'am.

I have something to say.

I've literally no idea what you're gonna say.

I'm not leaving. POTUS is leaving.

He's not gonna run for a second term.

I'm gonna run.

Oh, my God!

I'm gonna run for president!

Oh, yeah!

That's awesome.

I did not see that coming.

Selina Meyer, she deals 'em fire. Bam!

Boom! Let's go to the f*cking moon!

I was this close to living on my boat.

Oh, my God. I'm just--

Congratulations, ma'am.

( stammering ) Can you give me some time with my core team?

Um, Br-- Br-

Ed.

Bre-- Ed.

Of course.

I feel as though I may have missed something.

If you need to fill me in on that--

Hey, what happened in there?

They're celebrating because you weren't in there.

Gears are already turning.

I see a lightbulb above your head.

Bing!

Okay, now listen, so... you guys don't need to take other jobs.

You're here with me.

Uh, I've accepted a number of posts.

Did you say a number?

Currently four.

Wow. You're gonna cancel them, right?

Oh, clearly. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I've said no to everything, ma'am. I am here for you.

Good.

Hey, ma'am.

I took a job also.

I didn't mean you, Gary.

I know.

What job?

I'm going into business with Dana and we're doing D&G Cheese Overseas.

Cheese?

And it's overseas.

Wait a minute. You're choosing dead milk over me?

No, don't say that. That's not true.

Well, you're just gonna have to tell her you're not gonna do that.

I can't. I can't tell her that.

Why not? Are you scared of her?

Yeah.

Okay.

Gary, you cannot let this woman have control over you, okay?

Seriously, you have got to stick up for yourself.

You gotta work for me.

Right. Right. She scares me a lot.

All right, call her in and I'm gonna talk to her.

Okay?

Okay, yeah. Got it.

Ma'am, science fair in 30 minutes.

Okay, you go deal with that and you cover for Gary, okay?

You trust me with that Leviathan?

Uh, ma'am, I left my BlackBerry in--

Okay, now listen, I got this science fair thing.

So I want to make my speech a little bit more presidential.

Yeah.

Like I'm Marilyn Monroe, just JFK the f*ck out of me.

Ooh, I got something.

You do?

Yeah, I do. I got something.

Selina: Fantastic.

I'm just completely in the dark. If--

I'm gonna go call Andrew. Mm-mm-mm.

Uh-- uh--

No, no, no, it's all about crazy money, Ame.

He's got the crazy money and I'm crazy enough to go get it.

( laughs )

As long as it's strictly business.

Andy? It's me.

It's Lee.

Can you come here?

( laughing )

Dana: Oh, there he is.

Hey, quit being so hot. You're gonna melt all my cheese.

Hi, you.

Hi, sweetie. Hi.

Hey, what's wrong?

You look like you did when I asked you to talk dirty.

You were just like, "I'm in you right now."

Shh. I know, I know.

Stop, stop. I wanted to talk to you about something.

Selina's gonna stay.

Okay. Well, that ship has sailed.

You're on the good ship Pecorino now.

Yeah, I'm gonna stay, too, I think.

No. No.

Okay, listen--

Where's the Toscano?

It's at D12.

That's right over there, okay? She needs me.

It's like I'm her central nervous system.

Honey, she'll get another bag bunny, I just know it.

No, Brett, it's further down. That's the Sardo, buddy.

Okay, I'm not a bag bunny.

It's like I'm Selina's soul mate over there.

Okay, I love the stinking sh*t out of you, Gary.

I know you do.

She doesn't love you, okay? She doesn't care.

She does care.

You're just a guy that does a job for her.

That's not true.

Who's more important to you?

Me or her?

Okay, that choice, there's no way--

Do we have any with black truffle?

That's F15. Okay? F15.

Listen, the choice you're giving me between you and her, that's impossible.

Sorry, not black truffle. I meant white truffle.

That's next to the black truffle, okay.

What the f*ck is wrong with you, Brett?

This is not a big place, is it? It's not a big place.

I'm sorry. Would you guys like some space?

Yeah!

No! Stay right where you are.

Okay, listen, she wants to talk to you.

She wants to explain this to you.

Fine.

Okay? Please?

I'll go.

I'm not afraid to fight for you, Gary. That's the truth.

No, no, no. Bah, bah, bah, bah.

Let's literally not fight, all right?

Okay? That's good cheese.

Amy, this is really happening.

You know, listen, just ignore that earlier me.

The "Little House on the Prairie" bullshit.

No, updated me, totally career focused and sh**ting for the White House.

Of course, and I am right behind/beside you.

You, Chief of Staff to the president, me, chief of sexiness and spooning.

Yeah, but as I said, the focus right now has got to be...

( knocks )

Hey, Amy, can I talk to you about something?

Accidental d*ck move.

I had to write Selina's speech for the science fair so fast that I think I plagiarized a speech that I wrote for Chung.

So here's Selina's hard copy and Chung's is already up on his YouTube.

I met a young woman name Juanita.

Oh, here's the bit.

It's not about what America means to me.

It's what I mean to America.

Because America would be nothing without Americans.

Jesus, you wrote this sh*t?

Yeah, it's like a noun-verb gumbo.

So it's the fictitious girl. I gave her the same girl.

Although I did change it from Juanita to Anita.

Oh, that's a brilliant plan.

Why don't you change America to Shmamerica? Yeah, I'm calling Mike.

No, I already tried him. It went straight to voice mail.

I met this young scientist named Anita.

And I said to her...

You got a charger?

Shh, I'm trying to watch.

Okay, champ.

...and she said, "It's not what science means to me, it's what I mean to science."

Let's do this one first. This is a mappable social media cloud for pets.

Oh, I'm impressed with that.

Home run.

Listen, let me tell you something. Three words-- caucus, primary, money.

Right?

Go big.

No, four words-- money again. Right?

'Cause that's what we need. Mike, we need a lot of money.

This is Rachel and Erica over here, ma'am.

Oh, wow, what is this?

It's an ant kibbutz.

Okay. I would love to look at that.

Oh, and I just had a thought.

Remember that Iowa steak fry thing?

Mm-hmm.

We need to go to that.

Yeah.

Seriously, 'cause there's a lot of money there.

And steak.

And steak. I love it.

So, I know what you're thinking, Madam Vice President.

You do? Uh-oh.

A confined space, right?

But it's a humane environment.

Well, from up here, they look like ants.

( Mike chuckles )

That's a joke.

Because they are ants.

This way, ma'am.

This is some kind of robot.

Really? That's it?

Would you excuse me?

Hey, Joe f*cking Slow.

You ever think about answering your phone?

Chill out. I lost my charger. You got one?

You're at a science fair. One of these kids could build you a charger.

What's the problem?

Ben's been trying to get in touch with the veep all day.

All right, well, she's busy.

Sorry there, Todd. Just real quick.

Oh.

Matters of state.

Sir, yes, I have the vice president for you. It's Ben.

Give her a little space.

Hi, Ben. How's it going?

Furlong has been spraying all over town that you think POTUS is gonna quit.

What? I didn't say anything to that crusty ass clown.

I might have mixed up a couple words, but...

Well, now POTUS can't say that he won't be running for reelection because it'll look like he's being pushed out.

So now our spineless, flip-floppy fuckbag is staying.

Oh, boy.

Is everything okay?

I've got to get out of here before I set fire to one of these nerds.

Okay, okay, let's go.

That's my phone.

Thank you. Thank you.

Girl: Madam Vice President.

No.

We're so sorry. She really likes it, but unfortunately she's out of time, you guys.

But this man right here is gonna take over for her.

Don't f*ck this up. This is a public relations nightmare waiting to happen.

Promise them everything. Thank you, kids.

( sirens blaring )

Ma'am, are you--

( elevator bell dings )

( muffled screaming )

Dan: I thought you'd like this spot.

DC's current go-to place for these off-the-record meets.

Good choice. Under the radar as we used to say in the m*llitary.

Yeah, I think other people say that, too.

It's about loyalty to the truth.

And to the American people.

Furlong and Doyle have turned their g*ns on the president.

That's the worst kind of friendly fire.

The unfriendly kind.

Yeah, oh, Danny, I just want to let you know, one of your anecdotes may have accidentally made its way into a veep speech via me.

And I'd really appreciate it if you could let this one slide.

Selina's a plagiarist? That's perfect.

You just handed me a silver b*llet.

And as you know, I'm a good sh*t.

I might back away, though, from calling her a liar.

After all, you didn't really meet anyone named Juanita who said that.

No, I did. As I recall, it went something like...

( Spanish accent ) "Mr. Ching, I come to America to work.

I send money home, but life here is so hard for me."

I didn't know you did voices.

( laughs )

Sue, come here.

Where's Dan?

He stepped out.

Um, ahem.

POTUS has decided that he is staying, and he is going to seek reelection after all.

Of course he wants to stay.

Could you just not...

So he's running for a second term, which means I won't be running for a first term.

So there's no point in my staying. I'm just gonna leave.

So he changed his mind again?

Yeah.

Jesus, the inside of his head must be like an Escher drawing.

Sue: Ma'am, Andrew is here to see you.

Oh, good, more hurt and disappointment.

There is one other thing that-- and I'm so sorry to let you down, but I'm gonna stay with Selina.

You think you get to decide on whether or not I hire you?

There are plenty of Dans out there, Dan.

Look around.

Sorry, kid.

Hey, don't call me kid, okay?

I mean, A: you're not Jimmy Cagney, all right?

And B: we're practically the same f*cking age.

Then it must really hurt to know how much more I've achieved in life.

Decorated veteran. President-in-waiting.

Oh, okay. Do you see this? See this right here?

You know what this is? This is me playing "f*ck You" on the world's biggest cello.

Oh, I think someone just su1c1de bombed their own future.

God, you know, if I had a dollar for every time you mentioned that g*dd*mn w*r, I would buy a t*nk and I would blow your fat f*cking head off.

Wow. Well, I'm sorry, Dan.

( phone chimes )

I hate to leave a man down, but I'll see you around.

Danny. Danny, hey.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

You brought me over here for nothing?

Are you really talking to me like this right now?

I have sh*t to do.

I am in a bad way.

Honestly, it's so out of line.

It's so out of line.

It is.

You get f*cked by everybody in DC-- your friends, your enemies, your colleagues, your f*cking family.

That's Washington, DC, for you.

DC-- District of c**ts.

Ma'am, you remember Sally, T.J., and Paul.

This is my nerd herd. And I mean that affectionately.

Jonah, this is a restricted area.

We're like Area 51 except more restricted.

Jonah, can you come here just for a second?

Yeah.

Do you want to fill me in as to what's going on right now?

Yes, ma'am. Your abrupt exit from the science fair.

Mike needed a PR fix, so you have to give these guys a West Wing tour.

What?

Uh, ma'am.

This has got to stop.

You should be aware that the president is on his way.

Hey, why don't we go sit on these chairs for a second?

What did you say? The president is coming here?

Yes.

Why? He never comes here.

I don't know. Information-wise, I am becalmed.

The president is coming here?

Gary, Dana just cleared security. This is anarchy.

Hey, ma'am, is now a bad time to talk to Dana?

Yeah!

Okay, let me just go fix that.

I'll fix that.

Hey. Hey.

Gary who I'm gonna marry.

Fiancée in the house. Ooh, ooh!

This is not a good time, baby.

I brought the Pecorino Duo Grande sampler.

Shaved and grated.

Okay, I'll just give this to her.

But why? Oh, my God, is it Selina?

Right? She doesn't like me, is that it?

She loves you.

Then what is it?

Shh, shh.

POTUS is coming.

Oh, my God!

There's a lot of security and he doesn't like a lot of people around.

He should get the basket. Right? We'll get him to tweet about it.

It'll be great publicity. You know I'm right.

Is he gonna drop me from the ticket?

Is that what's going on? He's gone postal.

I have no idea.

Ma'am.

What?

You've got to mello yellow.

Don't tell me not to panic.

I know how to freak out, okay?

Everybody can just shut the sh*t up.

I got to think.

Okay.

We know what she's like.

Andrew, don't talk to me.

Ma'am, should I get Jonah to get the kids--

I'll get Jonah to get the kids out.

Jonah, why don't you put the kids in my office?

Mike. Mike.

Is the president coming?

Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike!

Ma'am, I'm coming.

I'm here. I'm here.

Come here.

We got to make a statement.

Okay.

Because I think POTUS is coming here to kick me off the ticket.

And I've got to make a statement saying I'm leaving the ticket before he drops me from it. I've got to jump before we get stabbed in the back.

Danny Chung is making an announcement.

What?

I was proud to serve in the m*llitary.

I'm proud to serve as a governor.

Today I've set up an exploratory committee to look into whether in a couple of years...

Okay.

...I might be of use serving at an even higher level.

Does she make you happy? Because I make you happy.

Of course you make me happy, baby.

Ma'am, we're gonna have to ask you to leave.

What is this?

Oh, my God. What's going on?

We are gonna talk about this when we get home.

You are my diamond.

I am a diamond in the rough.

I know you're a diamond.

Get your hands off me.

I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna run against Chung.

Okay? I'm gonna take myself off the ticket.

I'll run against Chung and I'll run against POTUS.

It'll be like a political m*ssacre.

Quit freaking out. You need to get your head together.

What do you mean? The president's gonna be here any second.

Lookie, lookie, lookie, lookie.

This is for you.

What?

It's like a Pecorino peace offering.

What the crippling f*ck is going on with you?

I got rid of Dana.

You've got to get out of here.

Get out of here.

I have POTUS incoming!

I have POTUS incoming!

Make a statement, Mike.

About what? About what?

Everything.

All possible statements that you can even think of.

Okay, I'll come up with something.

Let's go say hi to POTUS.

Don't talk to me like I'm a crazy person.

I didn't mean to. It came out weird.

Jonah: Make a hole, yo. POTUS coming through. Make a hole.

T.J.: You're not the president.

No, but you're not Justin Bieber either, are you, sport?

Ma'am. POTUS is here.

Where?

Has he been miniaturized?

He's right in that room.

Would you care to join him in your office?

Uh...

Am I about to get whacked?

No, no, no.

No, it's good to see you again. Take care.

Your boss wants to see you. Don't keep him waiting.

What's going on here?

Is it Bring a Disparate Person to Work Day?

Uh, Selina is about to get a Potal b*llet through the head and you are all about to be unemployed and homeless.

But, Amy, I don't want you to worry. You can crash at my place.

We're so f*cked. We're so f*cked.

We've f*cked DC over so many different ways, no one's gonna hire us now.

How am I gonna pay for my f*cking boat?

Enough about the f*cking boat, Mike.

Take a flare g*n, put it in your mouth, and blow your head off.

Listen to yourselves. You people are monsters.

Sue: Ed, you really need to can it right now.

Do not comment on this office, okay?

Hey, Sue, don't talk to me that way, okay?

You're the secretary to the vice president.

That's like being Garfunkel's roadie, okay?

So this is Selina's team in action.

That explains a lot to me.

Likewise.

Yeah, well, they're actually better than my team.

My team is just f*cking horrible.

Ma'am?

Hi.

I think I know what you're gonna say, but I don't wanna jinx it.

POTUS is not gonna be running for a second term.

Gary: Oh, my God!

I'm gonna run.

Whoa, whoa! Ma'am, give me the straight poop here.

Is this for real?

It's totally for real.

Oh, thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Can we make it public?

No, no, no, no.

We got to wait for POTUS to make a statement.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

( laughs )

Ma'am, of all the places that I have liaised, I have enjoyed liaising here the most.

Okay, guys, we don't want to get ahead of ourselves here.

We've got a lot of work.

Yep, a long road ahead.

Right?

And we're going all the way.

And for the record, ma'am, I always believed in you.

Well, I have to say that I believed in me, too.

Amy: Of course.

Yeah.

POTUS, he knew the gig was up because Doyle, Furlong, Chung all turned the party against him.

I mean, it was just, you know, RIP-OTUS.

Just complete sinking sh*t.

No, he had to go. Together we are going to make history.

We're going to the White House, ma'am.

Boom, boom, pow.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wow.

( all laugh )

My brain is at your service, ma'am.

We'll see.

Ma'am, I am so psyched.

And the science fair speech was plagiarized from Chung.

Just wanted you to know that up front.

What? What? What? What?

Yep.

You're kidding.

No.

And so it begins.

Yeah, with a kick to the tits.

So, Dan, you're gonna have to clean up your own shitty diaper.

Got it?

Not a problem.

You know what? We got to talk about the campaign, don't we?

Okay. I'm right behind you.

Okay, great.

Gary, call Dana. She's called 90 times.

Gary: sh*t.

Talk to her, then sedate her.

Ma'am, the president has left the building.

Who gives a flying f*ck?

( all laugh )

Not yet.

Sorry. I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it.

Ma'am, West Wing.

This is your fault.

No, no.

I didn't arrive soon enough to be able to cut out the cancer.

Oh, no, I think you arrived with a man bag filled with tumors.

That was POTUS's problem.

Because he relied on those two guys.

One a burnt-out loser, the other a conniving robot.

Crazy.

Bad combo, yeah.

Oh, hello, kids.

Come on in.

Oh, my God, have you been here this whole time?

M&Ms for the scientists.

So come with me 'cause I've got an idea.

I might show you around the West Wing.

Gary: Ahh!

Would you?

Do you like government?

Yes.

And do you like politics?

Yeah.

Oh, good. Because politics is about people, don't you think?

Yeah.

It is when you think about it.

'Cause without people, you can't have politics.

See how crowded this is?

I mean, it's very claustrophobic.

I think that the president should only have her staff here.

Or his staff. You know, their staff.

I mean, I've never seen-- like that one we just passed, I don't know who that person is.

I've never seen that person in my life.

No business being here.

Selina did not plagiarize Danny Chung's speech.

Mike's already told you that.

No, I am not plagiarizing Mike.

I know it's boring, but, hey, I'm boring.

Those curtains there are going.

Wow, those are hideous.

We're still together, right?

Ed, I haven't got time.

Time for us or do you mean time as a general concept?

Hi, Terry. I am sorry I missed your call.

Hi, Dana. Hey. Hey, listen.

I just wanted to say that--

Okay. Okay. If you've got something to say, you go first.

Was your mom plagiarizing the Bible when she said, "Oh, God, oh, God"?

The president's chair is a couple inches higher than the rest of the chairs in the Oval Office.

And I used to think, "Oh, my God, that's so ridiculous."

But now I think it makes sense because I think it's a good psychological trick.

Yeah, that's what I-- you're not finished? Go ahead.

Oh, she loved the cheese.

Loved it.

When I grow up, I want to be vice president just like you.

Oh, no, you don't. You want to be president.