04x02 - East Wing

[bunniefuu]

(Theme music playing)

Mike: I'd like to begin by saying there is only one thing on anybody's mind today...

The president's hosting of her first state visit.

After welcoming the Israeli Prime Minister to the White House...

Did he dye his mustache?

To ensure that they seize this...

Holy sh*t, he dyed his mustache.

It's vanity. He's the TV face of the administration.

But he's glued Cheetos to that face.

He looks like Yosemite Sam.

Yeah, without the credibility.

He's gonna get his tits done next.

Sean?

Today's the president's 33rd day in office.

She's outlasted William Henry Harrison, our shortest serving president.

How's she feel about that?

She feels great, unlike President Harrison who contracted pneumonia during his inaugural address and d*ed.

(Reporters laugh)

Thanks, ladies and gentlemen.

Nice work, Mike. You're on fire.

Nope, wait. It's your mustache.

(chuckles)

I call it Tangerine Dream.

Hey, are we getting cocktails later?

No, I can't. I've got to get home.

(laughing) You...

Can you imagine?

No. We love to drink.

So our concern is debate time for Families First.

Our friends on the rules committee need a shove.

So you want me to rule the House rules committee.

Yeah, if anyone can do this, Dan, I'm confident you or the guy we hired to replace you can.

Gary: I am really excited about this Israeli visit.

Gonna be a good day, guys.

Middle East, middle easy.

I'm a little concerned about the dinner centerpieces, 'cause I feel like they...

Whatever.

I'm handling world peace, okay?

You just go make the room pretty, i.e., the opposite of that f*cking monstrosity.

What is that? Picasso's heavy period?

President Hughes loved it.

Is that why his wife tried to k*ll herself?

(Selina laughs)

Ben: I think it's called "A Man Who Shits Triangles."

Bad enough having the Pentagon up your ass.

Where is Amy, by the way?

She's campaign manager, this is a campaign meeting.

I mean, I've got to go save the world.

I know that sounds like hyperbole, but...

But you do. Yeah.

I do, in fact.

I actually do do have to do that.

I just got a text from Amy.

"I'm a latte"?

Huh?

Guess she means she's late.

(Horns honking)

Amy: You said there wouldn't be traffic.

This is traffic.

Yep.

Could be anything... accident up ahead, active sh**t.

Well, probably not that.

You make me any more late, and I lock you in this car and have it compacted.

How about some music? Hmm?

No.

I Bluetoothed your phone, so...

Amy's voice: Memo to self... it is winnable.

Delete the private polling.

Oh, turn that off.

I thought I had it on shuffle.

Amy's voice: Also, hair.

Ask Marianne about electrolysis.

The campaign, the whole comm strategy.

We've got too many balls being dropped right now.

For instance, we've got yet another appalling photograph of Catherine.

(Ben laughs)

No offense, honey, but, I mean, look at yourself.

It's not my fault. The press doesn't take me seriously because I don't have a role here.

I need a core role.

Yeah, that's a very good idea.

She has good organizational skills.

She turned around the college film society.

I transformed it, Mom.

She... she... good for you.

(knocking)

Ma'am, I've got a virtual Amy.

Ma'am, I am so sorry.

Oh, can't she just call in?

I feel like I'm on trial in the future.

(Breaking up) Ma'am, if I could interrupt. I really think that...

Uh, Amy, it's filtering out like every other word.

Usually I just do that myself.

Okay, this is why we need a steady hand like Bill Ericsson.

By the way, I'm bringing in Bill Ericsson.

Madam President, did you just say Bill Ericsson?

Ma'am, I... Ooh!

Selina: Oh, okay, I can't look at that anymore.

It's bad enough looking at Mike's mustache.

Have you seen that thing? It's like he ate a volcano.

Ma'am, we do have that issue of national security, so I'm afraid that Catherine right now...

Oh, okay. Catherine, you have to get out, honey.

Go.

Kent: Sorry, I apologize.

Madam President, I'd like to state that I think that Catherine is a valuable asset.

Yeah.

And daughter.

But her likability index is... shallow.

What?

We polled her popularity.

How dare you?

How could you have the audacity to...

Oh.

Oh, these are not good.

Okay, well, she's gonna have to be told.

Gently, of course.

But who's going to do that?

I believe I have the skills, ma'am.

There you go.

Fine. You do it, Kent.

(Knocks)

Okay... what?

Ma'am, today is a very special day.

I know. I'm building a road map to peace.

Not just that, ma'am. Not just that.

Don't tell me it's Happy Harrison Day.

I outlived some dead idiot president. Wow.

No.

What?

It's Ben's birthday.

Selina: Oh!

My birthday.

Happy birthday, Ben.

Wow, that was quick.

Ben: Yeah.

We have a cake?

No.

No?

All right, well, that was a good interruption.

Thanks. (scoffs)

No, no, no. No, no, no.

Ah, William Henry Harrison.

Oh, God, at least somebody...

Noticed this horrible cake?

You're welcome.

Just go ahead.

(knocking)

Hey, Jonah.

Hello. Hi. Hello, sir.

Better think of a way to make me feel good.

Okay, of course.

I could go get you some Pringles or...

Teddy done you a solid.

On my advice, the veep's gonna ask you to be in the Families First talks with Dan Egan.

Oh, that's fantastic news, sir.

You simultaneously made my day and ruined his.

Thank you. Shine brightly.

Tap-tap-tap-tap- tap-tap.

All good?

Yeah. Yeah.

Doyle: Yeah?

Gary: See, we need bigger centerpieces for the state dinner tonight.

I don't care about the cost. You got to get on that.

Listen, please, please, please.

If anybody doesn't know the difference between a valance and a jabot, I really need you to leave.

Did the president's stylist get my notes?

Yes, he did.

Okay, thank God. Oh, my God.

Did we get these from a homeless man's grave?

They're molesting my eyes. What's happening right now?

There's my favorite guy.

(gasps) Patty!

My favorite White House social secretary!

(Chuckles) Did you hear about the centerpieces?

I did. I heard you sent them back to centerpiece hell.

I know. We felt they weren't right.

So this is coming from the president?

It's coming from us.

And the painting, she wants that swapped out, too?

Yes, we do.

And when you say that the centerpieces are not right, can you just give me a little indication of what you mean when you say "not right"?

We just kind of feel like they need to be a different shape.

They need to pop.

Okay.

Okay, they need to pop?

Pop.

No, I heard you.

Okay.

Okay.

It is so good to find someone who gets us.

Mm.

It really is.

Sue, I need to see the president right away.

Sure, Amy, I'll just tell the Israelis to move on, 'cause they love that.

All right, Richard, you need to hide Ben's Ativan till he comes clean about Bill Ericsson.

Hi, Amy.

Bill, it... it's good to see you.

I hear you're working...

Working at the White House. Yes, I am.

In what capacity?

What capacity?

I have a specific title, but a wide brief...

Eliminate weaknesses.

That's a little n*zi doctor.

I'm the new director of communications.

Oh, that's cool, 'cause some of us thought you were the new campaign manager.

Mmm!

Oh, no. I get it. Okay.

Well, I just wanted to say a friendly hello in an unfriendly way.

Hello.

Okay, I'm gonna try to say it right.

Shalom aleichem.

Aleichem. Very good.

And welcome to America.

Israeli P.M.: Thank you very much for your hospitality.

All right, I don't mean to be abrupt, but this is over. Thank you.

So I think we have a five-minute break and then we can resume, yes?

Okay, very well.

Okay, wonderful. Thank you.

I like him. And I loathe politicians.

Madam President, a painting in the White House was removed this morning.

Should we go to the Situation Room?

It was the only work of art by a Native American artist in the building.

I mean, who knew we even had one?

It was the crazy triangles painting.

Native Americans are taking it as a slight, ma'am.

Then just issue a statement saying we had it sent out to be cleaned.

Actually, have Bill Ericsson do that because I'm having Bill Ericsson replace you.

Lee: Madam President?

Yeah?

Points of departure for the possible agreements on the scale-down of blockades.

Who is that?

To be honest, I don't even know if she's one of ours.

20 bucks says she's Mossad. Come on, we've only got four minutes.

Okay. Sorry, Jim. I don't have time to explain my thinking on that.

It's just I've got the Middle East in here.

Even though we have our differences, I think my mom brokering major peace talks is super awesome.

It is. Super awesome.

But I want to talk to you about a more personal matter.

I didn't take dr*gs with those guys.

I was just in their bus for half an hour.

That is good to know.

This is about the brand image of Catherine Meyer, TM.

I asked you in because, um...

Catherine, America doesn't like you.

What?

That sounded way too harsh when boiled down to a headline thought.

Let me see that.

It's not that you are unlikable.

It's that there's a perception that you are unlikable.

They hate me.

I wouldn't say hate. You just... polarize opinion with the bulk of it gravitating to this pole here.

Uh... oh, my.

You have sharp shoulders.

This is like high school all over again.

Yeah, sure, kind of, but much bigger.

So let's talk about changing your narrative.

Customary shortcuts to public affirmation are m*llitary service or childbirth.

Okay, God, no, and, oh, my God, no, in that order.

Okay, well, then we go back to the idea of turning that frown into the inverse of a frown.

Upside down?

If you will.

So there wasn't even like a little part of you that thought I was gonna be in these talks?

Okay, look, just sit there in the meeting and let me take the lead.

If I need your help, I'll give you a signal.

Okay, what's the signal?

There's not gonna be a signal, Jonah.

Hey.

Congressman Pierce, so good to see you.

Hey, what's shakin', bacon? That's my way of saying hello, breaking the ice.

God, it's good to see you.

This is my colleague.

But you know what? Let's get started.

Yeah.

I really like your office. This is a great office.

The way you've arranged the furniture.

This horse guy over here, that painting.

This is the nicest office I've ever been in.

My friend here is very excited here, as are we, obviously, about the Families First bill.

Specifically, the pre-K program for low-income families. We're very proud of that.

Well, the people that I represent like to see that money is spent wisely.

Of course, that's why we always say invest in education.

You know, don't think of them as kids as much as little human start-ups.

You know, spend to save.

And then you take the money you save and you spend it.

That's economics.

And, well, on my desk here, you see I keep a box of coupons.

I clip them myself.

And this is to help me to remember to be economical.

That is a fantastic idea.

I'm gonna take a page. I'm gonna do this myself.

Did you know that a lot of these have expired?

Yeah, I'm so... It's so busy on the...

I'm on the rules committee now.

Of course.

So what you're saying is that you support the bill in principle, but you're worried that an escalation of cost wouldn't sit well with your colleagues in the House?

Mmm, that's... yeah, that's very well put.

Thank you.

Hey, you like to bowl?

Oh, I am a terrible bowler.

But I enjoy the social aspects immensely.

Well, you know, we're all getting together for a little hang at the White House bowling alley tomorrow night.

Oh.

Throwing strikes with the President of the United States.

That's bucket list bowling.

I didn't mean that she would...

A one-on-one with the president would be great.

And a photographic record of it...

You want to get a photo?

We'd have to check with the scheduler.

No, we got this.

She's probably not a very good bowler.

You might even be able to b*at her.

(Pierce laughs)

Mike: We do have Native American staff.

They're on a list that you're gonna give me in 30 minutes, okay?

Now get me some scalps. Names. Get me some names.

Hey, buddy, I don't know what to say.

This job's my whole life.

Hey, I hate to ask, but would you mind helping me out?

Would you tell the media that Bill Ericsson's taking your job?

It would just make it seem more amicable.

Would you do that for me?

No.

And if we could just agree to a timetable for the talks.

Can you imagine that? I mean, it would be the first brick in the wall of peace.

It's not a wall, ma'am.

Well, it's an expression. A bridge of peace, I'll say.

We're so close. We're so close.

So is my country to lots of people who would like to destroy it.

Uh...

Are all these notes about the Native American painting?

Yes, it's ironic that you're talking to us about occupation while you occupy someone else's continent.

Yeah, okay. Well, I do see the irony in that.

(laughs) Excuse me just two seconds. I'm sorry. Pardon me.

Hi.

It's about the painting.

Okay, you see what's going on over here behind me?

Kind of a big deal.

Yeah.

So why don't you tell Sacheen Littlefeather to get off the rag and get over it, all right?

Okay.

And I never said that.

Right.

Right. Okay.

To reiterate, the painting was not removed.

It was just taken out to be cleaned.

It was painted four years ago. What made it so dirty?

This was just a preemptive cleaning, much like a juice cleanse.

But the Native American painting is the only one getting the cleanse?

Mike: Other paintings will also be cleansed.

Cleansed is not the right word.

Wiped. No, not wiped.

Cleaned.

Moving on to the state dinner this evening.

Sue. Sue, Sue, Sue.

Yeah?

I need your help.

What is it?

Sue, I need a window for the... whoa.

Gary, you look whiter than a Georgia country club.

What?

Sue: What the hell is wrong, Gary?

I mean currently. We don't have time for the whole tapestry.

I moved the painting. I did it.

You have to tell her.

No, no, no, it's worse than that.

I did something really bad.

Is there a child missing?

I wanted her first state dinner to be really nice.

So you what? Hired strippers?

No, I spent some money. Like, I spent a lot of money.

Oh, you really need to tell her.

Sue, you know... you know it's not as easy as that.

Gary, your inner child needs to grow an outer man.

Okay, I was just trying to make her happy.

Mission incomplete, dude.

I feel so much better.

Thank you so much. Heart-to-heart.

Great. Great.

Boy, at peace with Israel, at w*r with Native Americans.

Do you know what I am? I'm like the opposite of Mel Gibson.

Well, ma'am, the Saudis are getting anxious.

Oh, you got to stall them.

Madam President, I thought...

Yeah, Bill...

Ma'am, the US Poultry Association is concerned that there are no current photos of you eating eggs.

That's terrific.

Hey, ma'am, can I just have a moment of your time?

No, I can't give you any little moment.

Madam President, I have the GDP figures.

Uh, give them to Kent. Kent, what do you need?

I was gonna ask for the GDP figures.

Then that's perfect.

All I need is just one little second.

Gary, I am going to think about the dinner when I'm actually putting the dinner in my mouth.

Now what we need is a lot more butt-ugly Native American paintings, okay?

Because the first butt-ugly one was removed by some jerkoff with a hair ball for a brain.

Yeah.

Now, I have got to go to the toilet.

So I hope that can answer anybody else's questions.

I gotta... wow.

Dan: And what we're proposing, Congresswoman, with the Families First bill...

No, I got this. I got this.

What we're proposing is a minimum 12-month eligibility period and a safety check on all providers.

I hear you, but I wanted to ask a technical question about the bill.

Sure, yeah, absolutely. Go ahead.

Why do title 2, section 3 and title 8, section 5 contradict each other?

Uh, my colleague Mr. Egan, he's more the nuts and bolts guy.

So I'll...

No. No, no, you got this.

No, you can...

We call him Dr. Details.

Do you like Martin Scorsese?

Because we have a private screening of his new film at the White House coming up.

Okay. Will he be there?

Yes.

Oh, your assistant has something for you.

Excuse me.

What Scorsese film?

I don't know.

He's got to have a new one dropping, right? He's really prolific.

Jesus Christ. You can't lie, Jonah.

A: she's gonna find out and B: you suck at it.

Well, you have an entire team briefing you, Dan.

You got all your Danettes and your Dangelinas.

I'm flying solo. I'm f*cking Amelia Earhart and I'm still doing a better job than you.

And you owe me a staff.

Staff?

Oh, well, I guess you'll meet them all at the Scorsese screening you're having in your head.

Oh, well, I guess I'll just start telling people that you're the one that planted the Danny Chung t*rture rumors.

You shut the f*ck up.

Oh, me shut the f*ck up?

(Arguing)

Congresswoman: I am sorry.

There's a lot of Navajo in my district.

This painting thing is escalating.

I'm afraid I'll have to postpone.

We completely understand. We'll be in touch.

About that screening with Marty... you ever see "The King of Comedy"?

I haven't.

It's a good one. Underrated.

(Blow-dryer humming)

Hey, so let me see the photo face that you and Kent were working on.

That's not good.

You're flaring your nostrils.

It feels natural.

I'll tell you what. You watch me.

See if you can mimic this, okay?

Like... more like this. Like...

You see that?

That's right, honey. No, no, that was good.

That looked happy, even if you're not happy.

That's the trick.

You got to make sure she has height here.

A lot of volume because her skull is low.

It's kind of indented.

Barbra Streisand pulled out of the state dinner.

Do you have Sarah Silverman's contact information?

For the dinner? No.

I think if there are three whole flower trucks parked outside the White House, I would know about it.

(Whispering) Go. Outside, go. Count the flower trucks.

Did you find me an office?

No, but I scouted you this chair.

And if you stand on it just like so, you can get Wi-Fi.

You would not believe the day that I'm having.

Jonah: Oh, what a day.

I feel like this is gonna be a key scene in my biopic.

Hey, I need a shirt. This isn't "Die Hard."

Hey, sugar tits, did you stroke and choke the rules committee?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Egan dropped the ball a little bit, but I picked it up. He's a good kid.

How's it going with Mr. Genius Bar over there?

He's eager and hardworking and never complains and every night I dream of drowning him.

How would you like to get rid of him?

God, yes.

Jonah, I am so proud of you, I could squeeze you like a sponge in the shower.

Yo, yeah. Yep, I'll come with you.

You have seven missed messages.

Should I read 'em to you? I'll read 'em to you. Oh.

Uh, Jonah, look, Amy was telling me all about Richard here.

Richard apparently is the assistant's assistant.

Does that mean, like, he's the epitome of an assistant or he's just an assistant's assistant?

The first one.

Richard, how would you like to work right here in the White House for the Jonah Ryan?

Work in the White House?

Yeah.

Am I being "Punk'd"? Is this hazing?

Happened to my brother once. He did not handle it well.

All right, well, Jonah, there you go.

You now have someone under you.

Great, or at least between me and Teddy.

Hmm?

Hmm?

Welcome aboard.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, "sir." I like that. I'll get used to that.

Keep doing it.

Yes, sir.

There it is again. That's twice. Come with me.

Thank you. I owe you one.

Of course you do. Why else would I have done it?

Bill: What's Gary doing? Trying to max out America?

Wow, who knew they made lampshades out of unobtanium?

Okay, guys, I will not hear a single bad word about my friend Gary.

But, no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he's out of control.

Did you see the cost of the dinner?

This'll sting us, make us look decadent and remote.

Yeah, said the Princeton grad in the Valentino tux.

Sue: Does the president need to know?

She's got a lot on her plate right now, no pun intended.

That her bagman spends like a Babylonian king? Yes, I think so.

You can tell her. She likes you.

And I plan on keeping it that way, so I'll leave it to you.

Sue, would you like to tell the president?

No, I would not, but thank you for thinking of me.

You have a pretty good relationship with the president, don't you?

You guys talk.

Beep, boop, beboop. Hello?

Yeah, hi.

You are in the J-Corps now and we own these hallways.

Hey, Preppy Longstocking.

Yeah, your fat mama.

(Chuckles)

See that?

It's kind of how we do things here in "the Wing."

Now through this door is the Oval Office.

Fudge me. No.

Yeah.

You are like the coolest guy I've ever met.

The president and I, we're like this.

You know, not to scale, obviously.

Of course.

(Applause)

("Hail to the Chief" playing)

Selina: Thank you.

Ah, this is truly spectacular.

Thank you. I think so.

God, I hope you don't have any allergies, though, 'cause these centerpieces are kind of imposing, aren't they?

Better not leak any photos. I see your media likes to make a big fuss about how much you spend.

Oh, yeah.

Yes. Yes. Huh?

What? What fuss? What spending?

Is it the state dinner? What, is it Patty?

It's not Patty.

What is it?

It's Gary.

Gary?

Yeah, he's been on a spender bender.

How much has he spent?

Well, imagine Elton John on a day he feels fat.

Press just kept sniffing around after the stink about the painting.

Did we ever find out who moved that painting, by the way?

Um, that would be Gary, too.

(Scoffs) So I have just brokered a peace deal with Israel here.

I, as President of the United States, have actually achieved something, which is virtually unheard of.

Yeah.

And yet I'm sharing headline news with a painting because of that guy right there?

Yep.

Okay, got it.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Prime Minister Ben-Haim, Mrs. Ben-Haim, welcome to the White House.

Hatred is a powerful emotion.

But not the most powerful.

Hope is more powerful than hate.

Hope can build.

But for hope to grow, we first need trust, don't we?

To paraphrase a predecessor of mine, we have nothing to trust but trust itself.

Selina: Gary?

Gary!

Come out of there.

Ma'am, if you'll just let me explain.

Come out here now.

Who do you think you are, Gary Antoinette?

Did somebody make you first lady?

'Cause I don't remember marrying you, Gary.

I don't remember f*cking you in Niagara Falls.

I think I'd remember that.

Ma'am, I'm really sorry for the painting and I'm really sorry for the spending, but you have to understand...

Oh, shut up.

Just shut up.

You are unimportant, okay?

And you have suckered onto me like some sort of a car window Garfield.

That is not true, ma'am.

You think you're some sort of a big sh*t here?

Oh, my God, you are not a big sh*t, Gary.

You're a middle-aged man who sanitizes my tweezers.

(Chuckles) God.

You're wrong.

Excuse me?

When's Catherine's birthday?

June eighth.

Ninth.

Ninth.

Which senator's daughter is in rehab?

You're out of line, missy.

Geldray.

What are you wearing tomorrow?

I don't know.

I do. I'm your calendar, I'm your Google, I'm your Wilson the volleyball.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am!

No, you're not!

I have broken my body for you.

Oh, come on.

I have let myself be laughed at.

I have let myself be humiliated.

But I'm happy to do it.

Okay.

Most of the time you don't even know that I exist, but I am f*cking everything to you!

Oh, I am so happy to get somebody else to give me my hand cream.

Okay, go.

Yeah.

Can you find somebody else who did what I did?

You mean on Labor Day?

I didn't say that.

Yeah, you did. You just did.

You j... you just said Labor Day.

I said I would never mention that, ever.

(Sighs) Oh, God.

Okay, look, I'm, uh...

I'm sorry if I lost my temper a little bit.

I am so sorry for the words that I just spoke.

You know, in... In a relationship...

It's just good to clear the air is what I mean to say.

Yeah, I think any relationship...

Yeah, should do that.

You know, from time to time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(Sighs)

That looks good.

Yeah, it's... It's light sponge.

Would you like a piece?

Okay, I'll have a piece, I guess.

Yes, ma'am.

It's light sponge.

You just told me that.

Mm-hmm.

Geldray's daughter is in rehab?

Yes. (sniffing)

That explains all that energy.

Lot of energy.

Right.

Wow, this is a light sponge.

(Knocks)

Hey, Mike.

Hey. That should be all of them.

Thanks.

Is there something I can help you with?

Uh, no.

No?

I just find these paintings to be inspirational. I really do.

I particularly love this color here.

I think this is so pretty, don't you?

I believe the title is "m*ssacre."

And giving you your Celebrating Community medals is the First Daughter of the United States, Catherine Meyer.

My, you are small.

I suppose you're young, but you're still very small.

Honey, don't look so worried. I'm not gonna bite you.

But that man over there does have a g*n.

That's a wonderful photo of your daughter.

Yeah, she looks so loveable there, don't you think?

Very... well, she looks likable.

Do you think she looks likable in that picture?

Have you ever seen "Star Wars"?

This is a little bit like the end of "Star Wars."

The whole country thanks you for your service.

Sue: Ma'am.

Yeah?

South Korea has called.

They'd like to know if you'd like a baby elephant.

I have no response to that.

Other than I already have one.

(laughs) I'm kidding.

She used to be chubby when she was little, but she's slimmed down as she's gotten older.

Thank goodness.

Very good, very good.

Thank you.

Can you pull me out the second it becomes acceptable to leave?

Mm-hmm.