01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

For f*ck's sake!

Go and get the lady officer.

Wait, you're saying we need to go into witness protection?

You'll be issued with new identities and the requisite documents to accompany them.

There's a couple of girls causing a bit of trouble.

Need taking out.

Have you come courting?

Oh, my God!

Patrick's having a house party tonight and he's very kindly invited us along.

He looks well fit in a suit, doesn't he?

No, him! Hm?

(g*nsh*t)

Hello. Let's take a look at some of your letters, shall we?

Ah, here's one we get quite often.

Dear John, I am 18 months into witpro and I am powerfully sexually attracted to my neighbour.

Now, we're not going to say that you can't have any fun.

You've entered witpro, not a convent - but listen up.

This is something that scientists - numbers bods - tell us is statistically true.

You know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows me, John Inverdale, and that's true, even if you come from Cornwall.

Now, in many ways that's a lovely thought, but it can also be quite chilling because, whereas you could be a sweet old lady, a retired clergyman, a good-natured social worker, you might just as easily be a drug user with tattooed knuckles.

You could be anybody.

So, what's the lesson?

Be careful. Anyone can know anyone.

Before the physical act of love, take every reasonable step to make sure you know who you're bunking down with.

(Ringing tone)

'Are you reporting a crime that's already happened, is happening now or that you feel may happen in the future?'

No, it's none of those. I'm...

'Right, I'm going to put you through to the community desk.'

No, I've already spoken to the... I'm so sorry, Rhons.

Tell them I'm sorry.

Man: 'Hello?'

Yes, hello. 'Hello!'

Maybe they don't even know each other that well.

Hello, I'm trying to get hold of DC Wilton.

'DC Walton?'

Could have been the sh**t's much nicer twin brother.

Very common to get one twin good and one evil. Leanne, shut up.

No, DC Wilton, North Meads station.

Ah, see, you've come through to Chippenham, here.

Let me see if I can find them on the computer.

If I can work the bloody thing.

Listen to me. We are in the witness protection programme.

Hell, well done. I didn't know we did that.

My associate has a Boots Advantage card with her real name on it...

(And 2,000 points.)

Now, she has left it somewhere.

Do you know where? Well, yes.

Go and get it, then. That's what I'd do. Yes, but...

'All right, then, ta-ta!'

(Hang-up tone)

Gah!

OK...

Right, change of plan.

You're going to have to go in there and get it.

Why me? Because it's your bag and this situation is entirely of your doing.

Yeah, but what if he turns when I get in there?

He's not a Staffie. I'm serious.

I could be moonwalking into my death.

Sleepwalking, and, no, you won't be.

Look, we just have to act fast.

Listen, he probably hasn't even found your bag yet.

If he has, he's probably not even seen the Boots card, and even if he has seen the Boots card, it's highly unlikely he's clocked the name of the...

"Hang on a minute! Isn't that the key witness in the m*rder that my friend-slash-casual acquaintance-slash-family member committed?"

No.

I will come with you and wait outside.

Well, you're going to have to come armed. Come armed?

What, we're going to pop down the 24-hour garage and see if they've got any Kalashnikovs in?

Hmm... We could make a w*apon!

So, what I've done is, I've got two coat hangers and I've attached them to a Marigold - like Krueger. Oh, oh, OK!

So, we could get sachets of vinegar to squirt in the wounds.

Where are we going to get sachets of vinegar at this time of night?

We could nip to the kebab shop.

I actually quite fancy a shish.

Right, Leanne, this is taking far too long.

Well, I'm not going in without protection.

OK, we'll just have to take something we've already got.

♪ When I'm in your neighbourhood you'd better duck ♪
♪ Cos Ice Cube is crazy as f*ck ♪
♪ As I leave, believe I'm stompin' ♪
♪ But when I come back, boy I'm comin' straight outta Compton ♪
♪ Compton, Compton Compton, Compton. ♪

Mmmmm.

Evening, love!

Only me. No, it's nothing.

It's only Tony coming in.

I'm just nipping up on the computer, love.

Check those car insurance prices.

Again. Tony, can't you hear I'm on the phone?

I'm trying to have a private conversation here.

See what I have to put up with?

Anyway, where was I?

Yeah.

So, I know his condition's come back because I share a bathroom with him.

I'm sorry to be graphic, Julie.

'He can't have egg -

'and I know he's been having it, because he's gassy in the night. '

You... there?

(Alert chimes)

'Tony?!

'Have you got your shoes on?'

No.

(Alert chimes)

(Alert chimes)

Even though we've never met, I feel you are my best friend.

I want to...

.. hold you.

Mate, mate, mate, put "and balls".

"I want to hold your cock and balls. "

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

And, and, and... say you've got a finger up your arse.

Shut up, man! Oh...

(Alert chimes)

It would be my honour.

Regards, Tony.

(g*nsh*t)

OK. Now, remember, keep it brisk.

Ask for the bag. You don't even need to go in.

OK? All right, off you go.

Off you go.

Hello?

Oh, Mystique, hello.

Good to see you. Hiya!

What it is, is, I, um...

Is that vinegar?

Yes...

Don't like to turn up as a guest without a bottle of something.

In this case, Sarson's.

All right. OK, come on in.

Er, OK, I mean, I don't want to interrupt if you...

No, I was just doing some laundry.

I'm glad you came, actually -

I didn't get a chance to say goodbye last night.

(She mouths)

(He clears his throat)

It's a shared communal area.

Yeah, so, I actually left something here...

Do you want a drink?

We have a particularly nice bottle of Chateau de Strongbow.

Yeah! Some, er, Pringles to go with it?

Yes, Pringles would be good.

Mmm...

I, er, oh, just realised, um... when I came over last night, I think I left my...

You left your bag.

Yay, my bag!

I know your little secret, Mystique.

Your name isn't Mystique at all, is it?

Your name...

.. is Lisa Smith.

Oh, yes! Lisa Smith.

Yep, that's me, Lisa Smith.

That's my big secret, ha.

You got me. Aw, wow!

I haven't been called Lisa Smith since, well...

.. since I lived in Las Vegas for the first time.

You see, there was already a Lisa Smith registered at the pole dancers' union.

(He coughs)

Ever since then, people just call me Mystique.

I guess it's because I look like a Mystique.

And because I tell people it's my name.

Ooh, those Pringles have gone straight through me.

Do you mind if I use your loo?

No, no, no, no, no!

Huh, hiya! You, er, Patrick's housemate?

Y- yeah.

Had a bit of a mixed grill this morning, so, just a bit of a big one.

Helping it round the bend.

Oh, sorry! God, sorry... Here, let me... No, it's OK.

It's fine.

Is this... a little waistcoat?

Just a hobby thing, no big deal.

There's lots of them - and little bow ties, too.

Oh, what is this?

OK. I mean, it's really no big thing, but as a hobby - well, more of a small business - I, um, I collect and restore vintage bears.

You mean like teddy bears?

Sure, yeah, you can call them that.

I'm... basically a semi-professional antiques dealer, and I... specialise in bear.

Show me your bears.

Leanne.

Yeah, so this is my workstation.

It's just tools and stuff, not very interesting.

This is amazing!

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, it's something I've done for a while now.

I don't really like to shout about it.

You know, people can be pretty small-minded.

Yeah. They think, "Gay!"

It's like, yeah, whatever!

It's gay to appreciate Victorian craftsmanship, is it?

God, it's so detailed.

It's like a snowflake.

I tell you one thing, people soon stop laughing when they see the prices that these bad boys go for.

Yeah, I bet. One bear, this Moss Bros suit.

Two bears, last year's holiday.

Magaluf, half-board.

Wow! I mean, I once sold a Beanie Baby for £12, but this is a whole 'nother league.

Thanks. It's...

It's nice to meet someone who actually appreciates this kind of stuff.

I mean, this might sound weird to someone outside the community but, um... I name every bear.

Er, I like to think of each one as an individual.

I actually, um, draw up a little birth certificate for each one.

Well, each one is special to me.

It's kind of like they're my children.

Leanne.

Leanne.

Leanne?

Evening. Evening.

Oh, God...

Oh, God, oh, God!

sh*t!

(Leanne giggles)

(She moans with pleasure)

Oh, yes!

For f*ck's sake, Leanne!

Tell me some of their names.

Charlie Littlepockets.

Ooh, yeah.

Tommy... Top... Hat.

Oh, yes, Tommy Top Hat!

(g*nsh*t)

Stunning.

OK. OK, let's do this sh*t.

It's come-to-f*cking-daddy time.

Regards, Tony.

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Tell him to stick his balls up his arse.

Mate, maybe he's sh*t himself?

He's not going to do it.

You should have told him balls up the arse.

(Alert chimes)

(They gasp)

Ohh, what?! No!

Here I am, my darling.

All that I am.

And all that I am I give to you.

Press record, press record!

It would be my pleasure.

Just... build up a head of steam.

There.

You like this, do you?

If the strokes are too fast, or, indeed, too slow, do pipe up.

We aim to please.

How about a bit of this?

Does that make your...

.. your fanny feel nice?

You...

.. naughty...

.. bitch!

Do tell me if any of this is a bit strong.

Sing?

OK, w-what do you want me to...?

♪ Oh, Danny Boy ♪
♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling ♪
♪ From glen to glen ♪
♪ And down the mountainside... ♪

Yeah, Benny, mate, it's me.

We got him.

♪ The summer's gone... ♪

And I mean we f*cking got him!

♪ And all the flowers are dying... ♪

(g*nsh*t)

(She grunts)

What the f*ck, Leanne?!

Rhona!

Are you OK? I'm not OK.

For f*ck's sake, Leanne, seriously!

Hey, guess what happened with me and Patrick last night!

I know. Leanne, have you fully lost your mind?

No. No, no, no. Look, it's totally fine.

Patrick is absolutely lovely.

He collects and restores teddies and he gives them all names.

And he pals out with blokes that sh**t people.

Rhona, I've seen the man's eBay ratings - five stars, a pleasure to do business with, item exactly as described.

Now tell me that's the seller profile of a bad guy.

Get dressed, we need to get out of here.

(Door opens)

Oh, no. Get under the...

Good morning.

Morning. Are you in a hurry to get anywhere, or, erm...?

I could spare another five minutes.

I reckon I can give you seven.

Mm!

(She giggles)

Oh, that tickles!

Oh, I love it. Yeah, there, there!

Oh, God, yeah, oh!

Ooh, you're thorough! Oh, yes, yeah.

Oh, I love it.

(g*nsh*t)

It was unbelievable.

I was so shocked.

So, I said to him, "That might be all right in India, or wherever you're from, but it is not all right in North Somerset," and then we got up and we walked out, didn't we, Tony?

We did.

We did indeed.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go and inspect the plumbing.

I know you, don't I?

No, sorry. Don't think so.

No, no. Definitely seen your face before.

I doubt it.

Look, I'm not being rude, but I can't really go if you...

That's it. I know where I've seen you.

♪ Oh, Danny Boy ♪
♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling... ♪

How did you...?

♪ From glen to glen ♪
♪ And down the mountainside... ♪

Please.

Please, I don't have money.

Oh, I don't want money.

Just a bit of help.

The odd favour, that's all.

And no-one ever sees this.

We'll be in touch, Sergeant.

(He whistles Danny Boy)

Music: The b*at Goes On by The All Seeing I

♪ Drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain ♪
♪ La de da de de, la de da de da ♪
♪ Drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain ♪
♪ La de da de de, la de da de da ♪
♪ Drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain ♪
♪ La de da de de, la de da de da ♪
♪ And the b*at goes on ♪
♪ And the b*at goes on... ♪

It's not weird that he hasn't called me yet, is it?

No, it's not weird, Leanne.

It's a blessed relief.

Yeah, right.

But he could have texted me, right, couldn't he?

It's irrelevant, because you must have no further contact with him.

Yeah, I know.

But, in theory, if we weren't in witness protection and he didn't know the m*rder*r...

Leanne, I know you like him, but you must know you can never, ever contact him again.

Yeah, no, I totally get it.

You should really delete his number.

Or... God!

Should I keep it? In case he rings me.

Which he will, cos you don't have just one slice of this Viennetta.

So, then, I'll know it's him and I shouldn't answer it.

Mmmm, OK. OK, great!

That's what we do, then. Not bothered about him anyway.

Bastard! Fancy not texting? Well, he's blown it now!

♪ Love is in the air everywhere I look around ♪
♪ Love is in the air... ♪

(g*nsh*t)

Yeah, that's what she said.

(Laughter)

(Phone vibrates)

But seriously, though, we're not here for fun.

So, if they're going to make us do extra hours, I think we ought to be getting paid.

What the f*ck?! For f*ck's sake!

All right, go and get the lady officer.

What are you doing on our estate anyway?

Who the f*ck are you?

All right, mate? I found out where one of them works.

Let's go over there and f*ck sh*t up.

What are you doing?

You're going to get us their address.

What the hell is going on with you two?

You're hiding something, I know it. No more lies. These people deserve to know the truth.

(g*nsh*t)