01x05 - The B&B

[bunniefuu]

Okay, let's recap.

Oh, we're recapping? Is that what we're doing?

Yep.

No sh*t. That's all we've been doing for the last two hours.

And the only thing you need to know is that my kids were deathly ill... is that because you force-fed 'em oysters at a landlocked roadside restaurant?

Why are you so interested in all this?

It's not just me. You've got everybody's attention.

♪♪

[Murmuring]

We can't put 'em in that vomit comet for the next eight hours.

It's just food poisoning. It'll pass.

Why are there no hotel rooms here?

We're not staying in a hotel...

Mr. and Mrs. Parker! Wait.

Now y'all forgot two very important but medically necessary items.

[Laughs] Aw.

Oh. Lollies. Thank you.

That's so sweet.

Southern hospitality.

Yes, ma'am?

Let's go.

Um, do you know why there are no hotel rooms available in this area?

The azaleas are blossomin', and the people have come to bear witness.

Now that said, I happen to know of a very nice B&B just a couple towns over.

Yeah, we're not B&B people. Thanks.

Well, now are you sure?

Let's go.

It's got a lot of character.

Yeah, that's code for "bedbugs."

Well, now I know the owner, and I guarantee he's gonna make y'all feel like royalty.

Is it you?

It is.

Aw.

It is indeed. [Laughs]

Well, the owner's gonna have a little extra vacancy tonight.

[Singsongy] Bye-ee!

What is your problem?

I'm sorry I'm not as charmed by all the southern hospitality B.S. as you are.

Whoa!

[Brakes screech]

[Chuckles] Well... He's back.

Look at me, pulling my own little Tiananmen Square here.

Last pitch... white horses, comfy beds for the kids to rest in, and Dr. Rob's very own sippin' vodka.

Y'all think it over, won't you?

We will. Thank you.

Who the hell drinks vodka?

Come on. We should at least take a look at it.

♪♪

[Birds chirping]

It's not so great.

[Hooves clopping]

What a douche.

Man: ♪ Somewhere behind the mountains ♪
♪ There is a place I figured out... ♪

[Music warps, rewinds]

[Whirring sound]

You know, this house just celebrated her 197th birthday.

Been in my family's possession the entire time.

Oh, I love everything about it. I wanna live here.

[Chuckles] Yeah? Where'd you keep the slaves?

Honey.

What?

No, no, Robin. He's absolutely right.

They were housed down in the basement...

See?

To rest up for their journey north on the underground rail road.

See?

This home is unofficially known as "the place that freed 10,000 people."

Or slaves, as you call them, Nate.

Yep.

[Thump, whir, click]

[Creaking]

♪♪

Female voice: Hello, Dr. Rob. Welcome back.

[Button clicks] No activity to report.

What's this channel?

[Button clicks]

No activity to... human activity detected.

What's this kid looking at, huh?

Oh. Ohh. He's looking at me.

Dummy.

Oh, these berries taste like heaven, if it existed.

How's your sweet tea?

Ugh. It tastes like chemicals.

Mmm, the smell of the lawn.

Yeah, can you imagine having to mow it? No, thanks.

This is the vacation I deserve.

We've got a beach vacation waiting for us.

Come on.

What are you talking about?

Look, we're not beach people. You know that.

Yes, we are.

The only reason we're doing this is because it coincides with your convention.

I mean, let's just skip it.

I can't.

All right, what's better... boring speeches and rumpled suits or this?

I said no.

[Sighs deeply] You know what? I'm... I'm just...

I'm getting really tired of you making all the decisions here.

I can make some decisions. Watch this.

I'm getting an award.

What?

I-it's a big award. A work award.

I was gonna surprise you.

Babe! Oh, my god, that's...

That's why you were acting so weird!

I knew something was up.

Yeah, I was. That was why.

Did you think I was having an affair?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I was horrified.

What? What does that mean?

What? Oh, no! There's plenty of chubby lovers out there.

Robin! Nate! Y'all come.

We'll take Rhett Butler here for a ride.

Oh, let's go do that.

Come on.

Yeah, you go on with Foghorn Leghorn.

I'm gonna go rest my big, fat eyes.

Dr. Rob: Sorry I couldn't let you ride him today, Robin.

He's temperamental...

Oh.

'Cause the mares are in estrus.

Oh, that's okay. This is just as good.

My late wife... she'd spend all day strolling the grounds like this.

Oh, I'm sorry. When did she pass?

Oh, no, no, years ago.

Workers say she still roams these fields.

You believe in heavenly spirits, Robin?

Oh. I really...

I-I do. I do. I do. [Sighs]

Funny. When I look into your eyes, I see my Audrey...

Oh.

Picking bluebells, full of childlike wonder.

Oh. [Chuckles]

What would make Robin happy on this perfect spring day?

Me?

Mm.

Oh, I don't know. Been a long time since anyone's asked me that.

[Chuckles] Well, I'm askin'.

Okay, then what would make me happy is to know that you're happy...

Oh.

To know that you could find love again.

Oh. Don't you worry. I have.

Oh. I snagged me a beautiful young fiancée.

Oh.

Yes, ma'am. Gorgeous...

[Chuckles] Young Russian girl.

Oh, well, look... look at that. Mmm.

See? Happy now.

Aw.

[Muffled dance music playing]

Woman: ♪ some girl want oil ♪
♪ some girl want gold ♪
♪ some girl want timber ♪

[Russian accent, off-key] ♪ to those I say niet ♪
♪ It's a deep water four season pot ♪
♪ That make me wet ♪
♪ So wet ♪
♪ Ukraine we did annex, then we come for Czech ♪
♪ Moldova annex, Poland annex ♪
♪ Maybe you be next ♪
♪ Ukraine we did annex, then we come for Czech ♪
♪ Georgia annex, Uzbekistan, nah, train wreck ♪
♪ Ri Li Li Li, Li Li Li, Li, Li, Li ♪
♪ Ri Li Li Li, Li, Li, Li... ♪

Please, don't stop. Uh, you've got a gorgeous voice.

Ohh. Thank you. Everybody say it's sh*t.

[High-pitched voice] What?

[Normal voice] Come on. No!

No, it's... it's a full-bodied... Sound that is just... Very special.

Mm.

What are you... what are you cooking there? It smells delicious.

Oh, uh, shchi. Cabbage soup. You try?

Oh, no.

Oh, please, I see you're too skinny.

What? [Chuckles]

You are the first woman who's called me that in, oh, about 11 years.

[Giggles]

I am Oksana. I live with Rob.

Oh. I'm Nate. I live with, uh...

I am glad you're here. I need help cooking.

Yeah. Please remove dress.

Uh... Sorry. S... uh, what?

It's very expensive. I can't get flour on.

Unzip and take off now, please.

I don't know if I'm allowed to...

Don't be weak. Dough is in critical stage.

Unzip!

Yeah.

Okay, yeah. I mean, if it's for the dough, sure.

I mean...

Quickly.

Yep. I just...

Just pull it down.

Yep, I got it. I got how zippers work. Oh. [Zipper whirs]

Here we go.

Take off the dress.

All the way off?

Yes.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Yep. Yep.

Oh, come on.

Yeah, yeah, yep, yep.

Yep, okay. There we go.

Mmm. Right?

Strong hands.

You like vodka?

Ohh. I really...

Really do.

Mmm. Russian.

Yeah. Of all the clear spirits...

Drink.

My favorite.

Cheers.

Mmm.

Mmm. [Gulps]

I honestly cannot say enough about her.

If you love her this much, you should marry her.

[Sighs] I would if I could.

Sadly, it's been difficult finding anyone willing to officiate.

Why?

Well, for starters, she's Jewish.

Are you kidding me? Because she's Jewish?

Well...

What is wrong with the south?

And with her visa expiring and whatnot...

I'm actually in danger of losing her...

[Voice breaks] Forever.

[Crying] No.

I'm sorry. I love her.

I've never seen a man so in touch with his emotions.

You know my husband, Nate?

[Cries]

He tries to be real macho.

Now you hush.

You're making your husband sound like some dumb goon.

Yeah. Yeah.

♪ Do you hear me knocking ♪
♪ Putin's at your door? ♪
♪ Do you hear me knocking ♪ - Whoa!

♪ Putin's at your door ♪
♪ I say "annex" ♪
♪ you say "yes" ♪

[Laughs]

What am I witnessing?

We're cookin'. We're just cookin'.

Nate, I see you've met Oksana.

[Glasses clink]

[Both laughing]

What?

What? She didn't wanna get flour on her nice dress.

Woman: ♪ you say "annex, I say "yes" ♪
♪♪

[Button clicks]

Female voice: No activity to report.

[Button clicks] No activity to report.

[Button clicks] Human activity detected.

Why, hello there.

Who are you? You're so beautiful.

No. W-where are you going? Wait! No! No!

No activity to report.

Where'd you go? Wait.

Human activity detected.

No!

Nice try, buddy. She's mine.

I think I have it. Here it comes. And...

[Clack]

Oh!

Try to level best.

Good try.

Bless you. Bless you.

All right, are we ready to play? [Kisses]

Oh, god.

[Exhales deeply]

[Clack]

Boom! [Laughs]

Spirited young man.

He's an idiot.

[Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London" playing]

♪ I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand ♪

No look. No look. I'm looking at you.

Boom! Whoo-whoo-hoo!

♪ Soho in the rain ♪

[Under breath] Stop doing that. Stop doing that. Uhh! Yes!

Top off your iced tea, old man.

You're gonna be sitting on the bench for a while.

Just wrong.

♪ beef chow mein ♪

Watch this. Ready? Ready for it?

♪ Aaahoo ♪ ho-ho-ho!

Aw! Yeah!

You're aware of how you're coming across right now, right?

Yeah, awesomely.

Okay, all right, I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna record you so you can... [Touchscreen clicks] .. watch yourself being a douche.

She hates it when I gloat.

"She"?

Why be embarrassed to celebrate? It's very macho.

See? Somebody like.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Okay, now show me how to hold.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

[Mallet thuds]

Okay?

So how did you, uh meet your... [Loudly] Fiancée?

Oh, I suppose it's the same "new" story. We met online.

Yes, there are many common interests leading to a love match... no smoking, no public beatings, no sh*t bed.

These type of things.

Oh.

In Russia, I'm the perfect man.

[Girl giggles]

Oh, now there's my little peanut.

Where you been hiding yourself? Mmm.

Isn't she gorgeous?

She's beautiful. Wow, you're such a young mom.

Yes, in Russia, we have children early so body bounce back.

You Americans wait too long.

You must have been in your 20s when you decided to have Nate.

I'm his wife.

[Laughs]

I'm his wife. I'm his wife, so...

It's my turn.

No, it's not, mom.

You staked out.

No, I just went through the penult. It's still my go.

Your ball's a rover. You don't get an extra sh*t for running a wicket. Look it up.

All right, I will.

Oh, my god. That's...

Mm-hmm?

[Touchscreen clicking] That's literally the most annoying thing in the world.

Literally the most annoying thing in the world?

Of all the things in the world, this is literally the thing that annoys you most?

No, that is the most annoying thing.

That... Whatever. Just go.

Ohh! 'Cause you looked it up, and I was right!

No.

Yep.

No.

Watch this.

[Clack]

Clear technical foul!

What? That was a clean roquet!

Tik tik! Tik tik! Double hit!

Boom! My go.

Oksana, if you would be so kind to please step on my ball?

Yes. Gently? Or you prefer intense pressure?

Oh, let's go with something different. A little intensity.

You ready for this?

I'm v... I was born ready, babe.

Ooh!

Oh, ho ho ho!

♪ aaahoo ♪

Ooh! [Imitates g*nsh*t]

Now that is a clean roquet. Uhh!

♪ aaahoo ♪

My hands are so soft. I love this lotion.

Hmm? Why isn't this thing working?

What the hell's wrong with this thing?

[Sighs deeply]

[Creaking] [Button clicks]

How you feeling, pal?

I feel good.

You know, I really love this place.

You know what? I'm starting to feel the same way.

I love this sweet tea.

Dad, what's love?

What... What is... [Inhales sharply]

Um... [inhales sharply]

Um... [sighs] Um...

[Groans] Jeez.

Thought I had some time before this conversation.

Is it when you wanna know a person and talk to the person and just... just know everything about the person?

Yeah. Sure, that... that's part of it, yeah.

And you just wanna smell them and just crawl through the mirror and just help them comb their hair?

You have friends at school, right, pal?

Yeah, just... It feels really good inside.

Like... like, really good.

Feels great. I know it.

And it's perfectly natural.

Just... One thing to keep in mind is we shouldn't do it all the time.

But it's all I can think about.

Trust me. [Chuckles]

Sometimes I'm there with you, pal, like six, seven, eight times a day.

I just wanna tell the whole world.

No. Not a good idea. No. Do it, enjoy it, but let's keep it private.

And, you know, clean up after yourself 'cause you... You really made a mess.

Tell me about it. I got it all over the screen.

[Tissues thud]

Hell of an arc.

[Classical music playing on piano]

Nate: I tell you, every time I drink vodka...

[Utensils clink]

I, uh... you throw it up. Every time.

Well, that's a beautiful, beautiful painting up there.

Oh, yes.

And speaking of beautiful...

Oh.

Oh, thank you.

More ukha?

Yeah. Mmm.

You know, he is... he's a big boy. He can feed himself.

Oh, men need to be taken care of.

They do, they do, until about the age of 2, when they figure out how to use a spoon.

[Women laugh]

In Russia, we have an old saying about sarcastic woman.

Oh?

You're a lesbian, and no man will love you.

What?

I think what she's maybe trying to say is that we should all just be civil and enjoy our fish head soup with loved ones.

Mmm. See how he handles woman? Nice and strong, like Putin.

[Bottle thuds] I bet you wrestle bear.

Yeah, you bet.

[Snorts]

Dr. Rob: Oksana, could we not do this in front of company?

Could we not, please? I'm begging you.

Why? You need to be more like him. This one...

[Clears throat]

Spend all day picking bluebells like a gay.

Always crying, boo-hoo-hoo.

"Pretty flowers remind me of dead wife." Boo-hoo-hoo.

Svetlana, Svetlana, please.

[Piano stops playing]

As you can imagine... [Piano resumes playing] .. all this uncertainty has been hard on her.

[Pounds tabletop] No, it's been hard on her because you're p*ssy.

You don't even go after her.

Why do I have to do everything by self?

Excuse me.

Yeah. Of course.

♪♪

Mm. Sometimes I don't even know if she wants to be with me at all. [Sobbing]

Ohh.

[Crying]

[Whispers indistinctly]

[Lowered voice] She doesn't wanna be with him.

She wants to be with me.

[Continues sobbing]

Robin: Ohh.

♪♪

You should be flattered other women find me attractive, all right? Nate Parker stock is going through the roof, and you own 100% of it.

What do you say? You wanna... Exercise your option?

Means we should do it. [Spits]

Oh.

[Knock on door]

Nate? Robin. Robin. [Chuckles] Robin, listen, uh...

[Clears throat] Do you mind if I borrow Nate for about an hour?

Uh, what do you need?

It's sort of a boys-only kind of thing.

Hold on just a sec. I'm just gonna see if he has plans.

Do you have plans?

[Mouths words]

No? Well, great.

Looks like his plans are not gonna happen tonight.

Dr. Rob: Wonderful.

Nate: Wait up, man.

You gonna tell me what the hell we're doing?

[Flare whooshes]

Just keep filming, all right? No matter what happens.

Yeah, yeah.

You understand?

Yeah.

All right, listen to me, my sweet little matryoshka doll, I love you, baby, and I'm gonna prove to you once and for all that I'm a real man, a-a...

Damn it, Nate, you... you doing vertical video?

Yeah, just... just... yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good. All right, let's... let's just do this thing.

Uh-huh.

All right!

Come on out here, you son of a bitch.

I know you're there.

Come on!

[Growling]

Oh, my gosh. Oh, sh*t, what is that?

Nate. Nate, Nate, Nate, Nate.

Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t!

Nate, Nate, Nate. Nate! It's a that's a bear! That's a bear!

Yeah, it's a bear. These Russian women, you know, they ask the world.

What are you doing?

What... come on!

What are you doing?!

[Dr. Rob growls]

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

[Growling]

Oh, sh*t!

[Cellphone thuds]

[Grunting] [Whack]

Uhh! No, no! No!

Uhh! Ow! Nate! Nate!

Man: You're hurting me! Ow!

Why is that bear talking?!

Hey, man, what the heck?

What the hell?!

Damn it, Rob!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

We didn't discuss bringing this assh*le!

Ow!

d*ck, come here, you stupid talking bear!

[Man groaning]

Son of a bitch! Stay down, damn it!

[Grunting] ...Piece of sh*t!

Carl! g*dd*mn it, Nate!

[Muffled voice] I think he dislocated my shoulder!

I know. I know! I know.

Oh.

Ugh.

I came to apologize to Nate for dinner and bring vodka to get him drunk.

In a nightie.

It is night.

Okay, so I think that Nate has probably given you the wrong impression.

He's married, and in America...

Yeah, I know about marriages in America.

All the time worrying, "does he love me? Do I love him?"

Is a waste of time. Love is luxury, and marriage is a business transaction. Okay?

Well, that sounds like a horrible way to live.

Only if you have horrible product to sell.

I have great products.

I... m... it's top... my top-notch product.

Mm-hmm, maybe underneath those layers of jogging suit.

But what good when you call your only customer a fat douche all day?

Don't worry. Go get your beauty sleep.

And try to sleep extra-long. Nate come to my room to drink.

He's got plenty to drink here.

Good night.

Okay, yeah, I'll tell him.

[Under breath] "Jogging suit." I don't jog.

Be brave.

Ow.

Be brave.

Come on.

Ow Come on.

Ow.

There you go.

There you go. Ow!

I mean, who has a bear costume just lying around their house?

I am a children's performer.

Don't try to make me to be the weirdo in this situation.

He's the one who set this up.

Come on, fellas. You know what it's like when your girl won't even look at you 'cause you're only half a man to her?

I didn't know what else to do.

I didn't know what to do. [Crying] I...

Hey, pro tip... stop crying so much.

You're right. [Sobbing] You're right.

Man, you're rich. You got an awesome house.

For god sake, your family rescued slaves.

People, Nate! They rescued people People.

Sure, and if that's not good enough for this woman, then maybe she's not the right woman for you.

Now how much footage did... did you actually get, Nate, before this... [mutters]

I know we got up to at least the rotate double takedown.

Oh, th-there's the underhook counter.

Trapped leg roll.

Yeah, I was late on the butterfly kickout sh*t. Yeah.

What the [Bleep] are you talking about?

You just hugged each other and fell down.

My god, looky here, Nate.

[Laughing]

Your big, dumb, shaky fingers hit the stop button before Carl even started talking!

Look at that! You couldn't cut it any better.

Whoo! Perfect. Go back.

Your big, dumb, shaky fingers. [Laughs]

I will knock you the [Bleep] out.

[Door creaks]

I have a great product.

[Door closes]

Yeah. That was never in question. That is...

You were a douche today.

I was an assh*le. It was the vodka.

Is this happening? What's happening?

This? I...

Yeah.

Dude made me fight a guy in a bear suit...

What?

To impress a woman.

That's elaborate.

Man, people try so hard to impress one another, okay, babe, and we don't.

That's what's so great about us. We don't try.

I am trying so hard. I'm trying so hard right now.

Yeah, and I appreciate it, but you don't have to.

[Imitates Russian accent] Why? You don't like this?

No. No.

[Normal voice] That was not good.

I-I'm saying that this is awesome, but this is just as sexy.

Yeah?

Yes!

Oh, thank god, 'cause these panties are like a medical procedure.

Take 'em off.

Take 'em off.

Get comfy.

Oh, my god. Thank you.

See? This is us.

Oh, yeah, this is... oh, god, yeah.

Yes. We are effortless.

We are. Mmm.

You know what, though?

Mm-hmm?

Maybe you could make a little more effort?

Mm-hmm?

Don't proposition me on the toilet.

Never again.

No.

Ever.

We're really good, aren't we?

We are the best couple in this room.

Everyone wants what we got.

I know.

But they ain't gonna get it, okay? Okay.

Speaking of which, I could really get some of what I got.

Oh, you wanna get what you got while the getting's good?

Again, too much effort. Just get down.

All right. All right.

I thought you liked these?

I do not like these.

You hate them.

Mom, dad...

Just... oh, sh*t.

I've got a few more questions about love.

Oh, baby, come right here and sit next to me.

Yeah.

Come on. Let's talk it out.

Right.

Not gon' get it.

No.

[Groans]

Sorry, babe.

♪♪

[Panting] Darling, I did it.

I fought a bear and I won. Nate... he got scared.

He stopped recording before I broke the thing's neck.

It was ugly. It was awful, but I'm in one piece, and I'm all yours.

Ew.

Ew. Ew! Ew!

Why am I watching an old man make out with a little girl?!

♪♪