01x21 - The Memorial

[bunniefuu]

So his dad just d*ed, just like that?

Gerald: Yeah, heart att*ck.

He's on the phone with the hospital now.

Both: Oh, it's so sad.

Jinx.

Do you think he's okay?

When my dad d*ed, I watched When Harry Met Sally for 48 hours straight, and City Slickers for the next 72.

My dad really looked like Billy Crystal.

Gerald: Here he comes.

All (cheerfully): Hi.

So, my dad's dead, you know.

It was a heart att*ck; sudden.

Oh, honey, I'm-I'm so sorry.

Where is the funeral?

You know, I can clear my schedule for next week...

No, no, no, no, there won't be any funeral.

I mean, we didn't have much family, so... it's fine, you know.

Jimmy, you know, if you ever want to sit and just...

Ravi, it's life, okay?

I'm gonna be just fine, you guys.

Don't worry about me; I'm good.

Let's talk about something else.

All right, so what's new?

Oh, Cinco de Mayo right around the corner, huh?

We having any taquito parties this year?

Hmm?

Really, you don't want to have a funeral?

It could be cathartic.

I'm fine.

You know, i-it's sad, yes, but...

I have no regrets.

I mean, like I always say... it's the circle of life, you know?

Hakuna matata.

Mm-hmm, hakuna matata.

Exactly.

Look, everybody, my dad had a long life...

And...?

That's it. Vodka martinis? Anyone?

Oh, was that your dad's favorite drink?

Yeah. Not anymore. (wry chuckle)

Okay, wh-what was that?

You have so much to learn, new girl.

Jimmy Martino is not an emotionally mature adult.

Instead of mourning, he makes rash life decisions, usually involving the restaurant or himself.

When Paul Newman d*ed, he put in a sushi conveyor belt and grew a ponytail.

Guys, call me crazy, but I think this area over here needs a little sprucing up, huh?

You know what I'm thinking?

Fish t*nk.

What I'm seeing is sort of a... a wide t*nk, like so... maybe some sea anemones... a sea otter here... maybe a shark.

Oh, sharks are sexy.

(sighs)

I wish mermaids were real.

We don't have to decide now, we can let it, you know, "perk-u-late," or... percolate.

This is still better than the ponytail.

Percolate, perk-u-late, perk-u-late, percolate.

We'll table it.

Ravi: What you doing?

(gasps) What-- uh, nothing.

Looks like you're putting a tiny box in Jimmy's safe.

(deep voice): What's in the box?

What's in the box?! (laughs)

Seven, Brad Pitt, classic quote.

(laughs)

Seriously, color me, uh, intrigued.

What's in that ring box?

Can you keep a secret?

Bro, are you kidding me?

My soccer coach, he paid me to sit on his lap for an entire summer... you're, like, the first person I've ever told.

Yeah, I can keep your little secret.

Horrifying.

Okay, um, it's a ring.

I'm gonna propose to Vanessa.

(laughing): What?

Dude, that's awesome!

Yeah!

Ah, man, if her grandma is any indication, she is gonna ripen like a peach in the Georgia sun.

When are you popping the question?

Well, you know, I was gonna do it right away, but then Jimmy's dad d*ed, and I feel like I should wait a couple weeks, out of respect.

Wait, what, I'm supposed to sit on this for a couple weeks?

Nuh-uh, no, no, I can't do that, you know I can't keep a secret.

You just said that you kept your soccer coach thing a secret.

I lied, man.

I told everyone about my soccer coach.

I even made some things up.

As soon as I see Vanessa, I'm gonna freak out and I'm gonna blow it.

Yeah, but, you see Vanessa all the time.

I'm gonna blow it!

Okay, uh... you know, maybe it's not too soon to propose, right?

Uh, maybe my dad's feeling okay now.

Right?

Hoo-hoo! Hi, guys!

I've been up baking all night long.

Dad, you have some flour on your...

Did I get it?

Mm-hmm.

Good.

Listen, I'm working on a new specialty dish, and-and I asked myself: Is it a pasta? No.

Is it a steak? No.

What I'm doing is...

I'm taking a winter classic and I'm bringing it all the way back to summer, baby.

Look at this: gingerbread beach house.

What do you think?

Hmm...

Good. I'm gonna go update the menu, and, uh, tell me when the fish t*nk gets in, will you?

Guys, how do you think I'd look as a blond?

And-and do they do that surgery for men, that-that permanent eyeliner surgery...

I wore eyeliner in a high school play, and I got to tell you, I made me feel very sexually free.

Hey.

We should talk about Dad, right?

Yeah, uh, he keeps sending me these crazy texts.

"Do you think I would look good as a blond?

"I'll have Annelise do a mock-up.

Here's the mock-up."

Oh, God!

He looks like Glenn Close.

Uh, we need to pull him out of this.

Right? Help him deal with his grief i-i-in a healthier way.

(phone ringing) Wait, um...

It's him.

Hey, Dad.

I don't think you should get that surgery.

Wha...?

Because your jawline's already very well-defined.

Oh, hey.

Hi.

There you are.

How was your day?

Well...

I feel like I spent most of it driving over here.

Oh.

Who knew Santa Monica to Pasadena counts as a long-distance relationship?

I don't understand why I'm driving so far to be with you...

Hey, screw you, jerk face!

I drove out to Santa Monica on Tuesday.

...because I want to be with you all the time.

Oops.

Hmm.

I should never talk.

Hey, listen...

I think we should move in together.

You do? - Yeah.

Isn't it a little soon?

Maybe, but I know what I want, and I want you, so why wait?

Look, take some time, think about it.

Okay, I'll think about it. Good.

Mm!

(phone chimes)

Ugh.

Oh, is that Billy Idol?

Love him.

(sighs)

Yikes.

Oh, my God, he bought fish.

Yeah, for my new fish t*nk.

Fishies!

Wait a minute, how did all you guys get into my apartment?

An emotional intervention?

Come on!Whose idea was this?

Not yours because you're too cool.

He's right, I am.

You don't like me enough.

He's right, I don't.

And you don't like to share me, so if this was your idea, it'd be just the two of us somewhere...

Dolphin-watching for two in Catalina.

Leaves every hour if you still want to go.

This whole nonsense has you two hippy-dippy nerds written all over it.

You need help.

Mom's a therapist; she knows this stuff.

Look at you, you're baking your pain away.

Let us throw a memorial for your dad so you can give him a proper good-bye.

No.

Mom and I will handle everything, all right? We will invite everyone, and, yeah, Edie will help... we'll deck out the restaurant, it'll be a blast... of appropriate sadness.

Yeah.

A memorial?

All right, a memorial.

I'll do anything to get you guys out of my apartment.

Oh, great, Jimmy, all you have to do is prepare a few words to say about your dad.

You mean like a eulogy?

No, I'm not good at that.

Think of it like a toast.

Oh, I'm good at that, yeah.

I can make a toast. Remember the toast I made at Ravi's 30th?

That was a roast and you made him cry.

(laughing): No, because I was laughing so hard.

Sorry I'm late.

Did you guys make Jimmy cry yet?

Vanessa!

Everything's totally normal here, don't let me keep secrets!

Ravi: Get off my neck!

Why are you staring out the window?

Oh crap, is the ice cream truck coming?

Sara, quick, give me your purse.

No, no, Craig asked me to move in with him.

Seriously?

Oh, you should do it.

Th-That guy is, like, soap opera hot.

You leave him alone with me in a walk-in-closet...

Vanessa!

Sorry.

Point is, you should lock that down.

Isn't it a little fast?

I don't know.

Ooh, let's try this thing that I made up to decide stuff.

I used it to decide whether or not I was gonna have Edie...

(Sara gasps)

...have Edie's birthday at a park or the pizza place.

Park won. (chuckles)

(giggles)

Okay, what is it?

It's called "fors and againsts."

Oh, so, like pros and cons?

Does pros and cons use... elastics?

Green... is fors.

Red is against.

Okay, let's see, um, I love how direct Craig is.

That's a green.

Edie, arm.

But I don't totally feel like I can be myself around him yet.

Mm... you mean like going to the bathroom for number two when you're staying in a hotel room together.

Why do they always put the bathroom right off the bedroom?

I do love when he stays over.

Night sex and morning sex.

That's two greens.

But my gut is telling me it might be too soon.

Now, when people say, "gut," it usually means something's holding them back.

And by something...

I mean someone else.

N-- that's ridiculous.

Not buying it.

And "someone else" gets the gold hair tie, and gold beats all.

"Against" wins.

(ice cream truck jingle playing)

What, that's...

Ooh, that is the ice cream truck!

That's my purse!

Eulogy... eulogy...

How's the eulogy coming, boss?

Hey, if you're looking for an opening, how about, "Webster's defines death as..."

As what?

Wait, I'm sorry, do you want me to write the whole thing?

Look it up, Annelise.

(sighs)

Oh, this is stupid. My dad d*ed.

We weren't close and he wasn't very nice to me.

What am I supposed to say?

Definitely not that.

Yeah, that would be a bad eulogy.

Hey, you know what I need?

Empathy?

No, my Jimmy-isms.

My Jimmy-isms you've been compiling over the years.

Your what?

You know, the musings and sayings that I come up with off the top of my head.

You know, I'll say something, and I'll say, "Annelise, write that down," and Annelise writes it down.

Yup, he definitely says that, and I definitely do that.

I've been saving them for my memoir, but I could spare a few pearls for my dad's eulogy, right?

Right.

Yeah... Annelise, go get the master list.

No problem, boss.

Just give me a little time to organize them with the staff.

Everyone, stop what you're doing.

Jimmy wants me to compile all his stupid musings I've been pretending to write down over the last ten years.

You haven't been writing them down?

What do you do here?

Shut it.

We need to band together and remember all the stupid crap Jimmy has said over the years.

(gasps) Ooh, I remember one. Uh-huh.

"Whoever wins, we lose."

Nope, that's the tagline to Alien vs. Predator.

Come on.

Dad gave me a list of Jack's closest friends.

Let's let the inviting begin.

Okay.

Hi, Ms. Rabinowitz.

I understand you're a friend of Jack Martino's?

Oh, ex-friend.

He called you what?

Uh, well, maybe he just meant you're good with money?

Yes, Dr. Lerman, I understand Jack was a patient of yours for several years.

Yes, Martino... Hello?

Oh, you're glad he's dead.

Well, why don't you come celebrate that with us?

I'll pay you.

He owes you how much?

And now I inherit his debit...?

No, no, I don't think that's how it works.

I got to go, bye.

Forty-one dollars.

Sixty-three dollars!

Sixty-six...!

(groans) - That's our ceiling.

(sighs)

Eulogy, eulogy...

Welcome, everybody.

Sex! Now that I got your attention, my dad's dead.

Nah.

Jimmy.

Huh?

This came for you at the restaurant.

Let's see.

Oh!

Contents of my dad's safe deposit box.

My transistor radio.

Wow, used to sit in the backyard and listen to the Angels play.

Just a father and son, enjoying the game.

I can't believe he kept this.

Jack Martino wasn't such a bad guy.

Jack Martino was a real son of a bitch.

God, why did we force Dad into doing this?

You should've let him work through his feelings with-with makeovers and restaurant overhauls.

We'll tell him that we were wrong, that the memorial service was a stupid idea.

Jimmy: Hey, guys.

Gerald: Yo.

Just came by to tell you that, uh, you were right.

I mean, just 'cause my dad was a difficult man, doesn't mean it won't feel good to be around some of his friends, so, thank you for twisting my arm and making me throw this memorial for my father.

You're welcome.

Hm. I brought smoothies.

Ooh. - Smoothies.

Great turnout guys Oh, luckily, there's a certain type of person willing to drive up to 90 minutes if you promise them free wine and cheese.

Sara: Oh, there's Jack's former cleaning lady.

There's Jack's old dental hygienist and her boyfriend Rick.

How come you didn't get any of his actual friends?

We tried... and failed, so we called around Jack's old neighborhood and scrounged up some randos.

That group is here because we promised them free student haircuts.

Why is Ravi staring at us like that?

Hey, Vanessa. Hi, ring-- I mean Gerald.

There's no ring yet, or ever.

You're being weird!

Hey, did you have a chance to think about us moving in...

(gasps) Here comes Jimmy! Okay.

We have to keep him from having substantial conversations with any of the guests.

Luckily, he doesn't really like to have substantial conversations.

I mean, I was back in his life for six months before he asked me a personal question, and it was, "How big is your package?"

He wanted to know if he was bigger.

And?

Mom!

Sara!

What? I'm rooting for you.

Here's the game plan: get Jimmy on that podium ASAP.

He gives his eulogy, I pull the fire alarm, everybody goes home.

All right.

Everybody seems dressed casual here.

Well, I guess that makes sense.

Jack Martino was a no-frills kind of guy, you know.

And these people are honoring that with their cut-off shorts... and tube tops.

Hi.

So... eulogy time?

These mourners are craving that sweet, sweet eul.

Let me say hi to the guests first.

Excuse me.

Hi, I'm Jimmy Martino.

How did you know my father?

Lo siento, no puedo hablar ingles.

I better get Victor to translate...

Oh, no, you can't ask a Latino person to translate Spanish.

It's r*cist. - Yeah.

Is it r*cist?

No, it's not r*cist.

It's not r*cist.

¿Dónde está El vino?

Victor!

Oh, uh, so... eulogy?

I haven't written it yet.

Are you kidding? - What?

No, Annelise's gonna give me all my Jimmy-isms. Once I get those, it'll practically write itself.

Hmm. need those Jimmy-isms yesterday, people.

It's not that hard, what are some things he always says?

Okay, how about this:

"No, Ravi, I don't want to get drinks."

How about this?

"The air is hot with sweat, anticipation, and the promise of a future not yet written."

It's way too beautiful for Jimmy, but you should be a writer.

I know.

(laughs)

You're not even trying, Cindy.

Sorry, Kylie Jenner just tweeted something hilarious.

"If there are no two fingerprints that are alike, and no two snowflakes that are alike, a snowman would be the best burglar ever."

Perfect.

Kylie Jenner and Jimmy have the exact same voice.

Are there more of those?

Oh, tons, KJ tweets like, every five minutes.

Here's another one:

"There is no "I" in cream, but there is eye cream."

Ravi, copy 50 of them in an e-mail and send them to me, stat.

I'm already on it.

Hey, where's my Jimmy-isms?

(computer chimes) - Forwarding them to you now, boss.

(phone dings)

"When God gives you rain, make rainbow sorbet."

(laughs) That's so me.

(sighs)

Hey, you guys, let's help poor people.

I don't remember saying that.

Hey, so... you ready to get up there?

Oh, I don't know, I thought these Jimmy-isms would help me cr*ck the eulogy, but...

I-I know I said more profound things.

I-I don't ever remember being this obsessed with side boob.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Oh, God, all right, come on, relax.

You can do this.

Just be honest.

Let yourself be vulnerable.

Uh, do you remember back when we were dating... we went on that ski trip to Tahoe?

Yeah... I wanted to go down one more slope and you were worried that your lips were getting chapped...

Right, I went back to the lodge, and-and it started to snow like crazy.

Yes, a-and by the time I got back, you were so worried about me, and I walked in, and you looked at me and you said, "I was so worried about you."

That's a terrible story.

What's the point?

(scoffs) That is the point.

It wasn't cool or interesting.

It was real and vulnerable.

That's always been my favorite version of you.

Be that guy.

Did we have sex later that night?

(scoffs) We had sex most nights.

Why didn't you put that in the story?

That would have made it, you know, something.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey, Sara.

Hi.

How you holding up?

Not good.

What can I do?

Can you write a speech about my dad?

'Cause all this stuff isn't working....

What are you saying?

I don't know, you could still put that...

Hey.

Sara, I consider myself pretty secure.

I asked you to move in over 36 hours ago, and you haven't given me an answer yet because you're so busy helping your baby daddy, and I get that, Yes. but...

Yes, what?

Yes, let's move in together.

Okay.

(chuckles)

Yeah.

Code red! He's mingling.

Where, what?

You should go.

Wait, so how do you know Jack Martino?

My girlfriend was his dental hygienist.

Said he was a real jackass, never opened wide.

Damn it, Rick!

Who are these people?

Where are the people I gave you on that list?

They really wanted to come...

It was just really short notice...

It's always short notice when someone dies.

Oh...

Anybody who really knew him didn't want to come, right?

I don't know why that surprises me.

I'm Jack Martino's son and I don't want to be here.

Why would they?

By the way, thanks for forcing me to do this.

Now when I think of my dad, I can add this sham memorial to the list of crappy memories.

Dad...

Jimmy...

You know what?

Just do me a favor, okay?

Stay out of my business.

Oh, hey, my girl told me another thing that sucked about Jack.

He used to grab six toothbrushes on his way out, every time.

God! How'd you know him?

(sighs heavily)

Can you believe Sarah and Gerald, forcing me to throw this memorial, filling it with a bunch of people my father didn't even know.

Yeah, the nerve.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing, I'm agreeing with you.

Yeah, but you're agreeing in a voice that sounds like you don't agree with me.

I don't like that voice.

Look, I'm not gonna lie.

It's rough out there.

One of the guests is wearing a shirt that says, "Gremlins 2 Now Available on VHS."

Yeah. But Gerald and Sara got your dad's old address from me yesterday, so that they could spend all day cold-calling every business in his town, asking if any of the employees knew your dad to fill this place up so that you could give him a proper good-bye.

So, yeah, the nerve.

This is crazy, bro.

I can't keep babysitting you until I propose.

Listen... if you don't blow my secret, I will make you one of my groomsmen.

Best man.

No!

Okay, well, then I just can't...

No, okay... secret best man.

I'm listening.

Yeah, I will have a best man that isn't you, but secretly, between you and me, you're my best man.

But you know I'm bad at keeping secrets.

Well, then I guess I'll just have to find another secret best man...

I'll keep it!

I'll keep it so good.

Oh, God, thank God.

All right? All right.

(laughing)

Crap, now I have to plan a bachelor party.

I don't have time for this.

Hi, I'd like to, uh, say a few words about my father Jack Martino.

There's an expression I say, uh, um, "Every day is a gift, but life doesn't have a return policy."

My dad and I loved to listen to the radio... and sit in the backyard, and we would listen to the Angels game together... but I pretended to love it because it was the classic father-son thing to do.

Truth is, I didn't know anything about baseball.

I didn't know what the hell the announcers were talking about, but... it was the only thing I could do with my father where we didn't have to talk to each other.

My dad wasn't a great guy.

He was selfish, and he was rude... that's why you're all here instead of his real friends... but he was my dad... and I wish he were still alive today because... he never got to meet my family.

Jack Martino didn't like much, but he would have liked my family.

He would have said, "They're too good for you."

And he would have been right.

That's the one thing I regret.

My father never had the chance to meet my...

Thank you.

Boy, that was embarrassing.

("Zero in the City" by Great Lake Swimmers plays)

♪ Oh...♪
♪ You've been here before♪
♪ Minus one♪
♪ Split and it's done...♪

Gerald: Is he all right? Did you talk to him?

Is he in there?

♪ Getting up every day...♪

Baby, that was beautiful.

Thank you.

It really was, Dad.

So, were we right?

Do you feel better?

♪ And nothing's the same.♪