01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

Only six fools stand in the way of the Parker Bowles dynasty.

You haven't had a period since Wham split up.

This, it has to be a one-off.

Oh, really?

We could become online make-up tip girl sensations.

Grrr!

I can fly a helicopter.

I thought I made my view on helicopters quite clear.

No, common gypsy's going to stop me getting to the throne.

I brought a spare costume.

Thank you.

Don't you realise this is a fancy dress ball for m*llitary amputees?

Thanks for coming with me, Wills.

It's so important those African asylum seekers know we're there for them.

Oh, it was great fun. It reminded me of my gap year.

Well, the bits when I wasn't skiing, anyway.

I just wish you'd let me bring the press along, so they could see how caring you are.

I'm not interested in my image, I just want to help people.

Oh, what's this?

It's from Prince Philip.

Grandad?

Oh.

What is it, Wills?

It's about you.

Go on.

All right.

"You buggering fuckwits. Your wife's dropped a right bollock with that Long John Silver f*ck up, now we've got to clear up your f*cking sh*t storm with a pissing PR visit up north."

And then there's quite a bit about northerners... and then Chinese people.

Physical appearance, and so forth. Then, hmm, ah, this is us again.

"You f*cked right up, best, Grandad."

What does it say before he says "you f*cked right up"?

Just some stuff about you being...

A gypsy.

Are you all right?

Oh, yes, it's nothing.

It's just these bright colours, they are a bit disorientating.

Oh, Wills, the time.

Oh, yes, of course.

I mustn't be late for my first official day with the London Air Ambulance.

What better way for a future king to help his subjects than by taking them to hospital when they've had multiple organ failure?

Good luck.

Can't see the great British scum wanting to skip a generation now.

Yes. Bit of an error of judgment by Kate, that.

Yes. So unfortunate.

Drink?

What's taking so long?

Ah, scusi.

All seems to be in working order.

Really?

You can't have many prospective mums who saw Glenn Miller play live?

68 is the new 25.

It must be wonderful having your job, creating new life every day.

Such a noble calling.

It is very fulfilling.

Now hand shandy time.

The Tudors, the Stuarts, the Windsors.

Soon they will all quake in the shadow of the Parker Bowleses.

A beautiful cardi.

Go up the bingo with that, you'll be b*ating them off with a shitty stick.

You've, you've got this coat listed at £7, but it's got some stains, I wonder if I could have it for a fiver...

Uncle Edward?

Oh, hello, Harry.

Have you, er, come to see me?

Yes, that's right, thought I'd surprise you.

How's it going?

Oh, it's fabulous.

Leaving the m*llitary to work in the charity sector is the best decision I ever made.

So, what, learning the ropes before taking on a management role?

No, they gave me an aptitude test and sent me here.

How's things with you?

Great. Really great.

The baby-sitting's really taking off.

So, about this coat, is there anything you can do?

Oh, well, I have to ask Deidre, she's in charge.

Actually, I'll leave it.

I've still got Age UK to look at.

OK.

Cheerio.

Bye.

Pippa?

What?

Oh, er, sorry, mate.

Nice arse.

Why am I thinking about Pippa?

Always had everything on a plate, haven't you?

Even when you're ill you have to rub my nose in it.

Well, one day, you'll get what's coming, you self-righteous, stuck up little bitch.

Pippa, you came.

Were you saying something?

Just a prayer.

What's the matter?

Must be something pretty serious to drag me out of Jazzercise.

No, I just felt a bit light-headed.

Really? Must be something.

No, no. They are just running a few blood tests.

So why didn't you call Wills instead of me?

I didn't want to worry him on his first day.

I told him I was in Dartmoor with Mum and Dad helping with the lucky heather harvest.

So he doesn't know you're here?

And he'll be alone tonight?

Yes. Quite alone.

Are these my personal effects in your handbag?

No.

It's all right, Pippa, you can have them.

They are just things.

Will you stop being so passive aggressive?

Oh, your Highness.

Well, don't kowtow to her.

You've done seven years at medical school, what's she ever done?

f*ck all.

Pippa!

I'm off.

I hate hospitals, anyway.

Thanks so much for coming, Pippa.

And my sister was right, I'd like you to treat me like any other patient.

I'm afraid we can't treat you like any other patient....

But I insist.

Let me finish.

.. like any other patient, because we suspect you have Ebola.

Pilot officer, William Windsor reporting for air ambulance duty, Sir.

Reporting for air ambulance duty, what?

I did say Sir, Sir.

We got a problem here, son?

No. I... I just wanted to pop in, and say I'd like to be treated like every other recruit, sir.

Oh, I've heard that before, boy, you see, I was the one who trained your uncle Edward in the Marines.

Get over that wall!

I can't, it's too high.

You don't get over that wall, you don't get to be a Marine.

I don't want to be a Marine!

I want to be in showbiz.

♪ Three little maids from school are we... ♪

I'm not like my uncle.

You look the same, boy.

How do I know you ain't no p*ssy, too?

Would a p*ssy do this?

Those were my testicles.

What?

They were sh*t off in Iraq.

I kept them, have them freeze-dried, that's right, boy, you're dealing with one angry eunuch.

That was the bank, we've just bought 600 tonnes of face paint.

And we've just had our hundredth hit on YouTube, couple of weeks' time, we'll be selling out to Google.

Eugenie, did you wash your face this morning?

Of course.

But look.

I still look like a tiger.

You still look like a puppy.

Bugger! And it doesn't come off!

We've got to go shopping up West later, we're going to look like a right pair of bell-ends!

We're sure to get papped.

We could...

.. not go shopping.

Sensible suggestions only, please, Eugenie.

These burqas are super.

Isn't it liberating not to be recognised?

I like how one is not viewed as a sexual object.

Hello, beautiful ladies. I'm liking your style.

Thanks.

Are you one of those rich Arabs?

Let's just say I have Sky Movies and Sky Sports.

Amazeballs.

We're just getting some clothes for our next half-dozen holidays.

Ah, have you ever considered travelling to the Islamic world?

Turkey, perhaps?

Or even further?

Gosh, that sounds like a real adventure holiday.

Yes, adventure.

Come, I have some friends in Tower Hamlets you might like to meet.

Oh, OK.

I heard you were on your own, so I brought you a microwaveable lasagne.

Right, thanks.

I know after a hard day's work, I always want something warm inside me.

You don't have a job, do you?

No.

But, hypothetically.

Well, that's very kind, but Kate's left me some of her special home-cooked gypsy stew.

But my microwaveable lasagne is so quick and easy, and you can have it right now.

No strings attached.

Well, I think a home-cooked meal is worth waiting for.

But this has got a creamy sauce, melted cheese and prime beef.

Whereas that, well, it's just squirrel.

Well, I like Kate's squirrel.

Well, better be off then.

Would you mind if I have a quick, er...

Oh, no.

Better get it in the wash straight away.

Pippa, you're not wearing a bra.

Oh, yeah. But since they're out, what do you think?

Very nice.

Why don't you touch them?

Are you trying to seduce me?

I'm not trying, I'm succeeding.

For God's sake, I'm married to your sister.

Oh, but we've always shared everything.

In fact, I think she's still got my bike.

Yes, but I'm not a bike, am I?

No, but I'm still going to ride you, and I won't need stabilisers.

Yes, you will, because you're clearly unbalanced.

And I don't think you're nearly as hard as you make out.

Funny, I was going to say just the opposite about you.

It's looking good.

So are you really going to knock down London and build this when you become king?

Absolutely, and I will not be thwarted.

Planning consent permitting, obviously.

Obviously.

What can I do for you, my boy?

I've been getting this funny feeling I've never had before, around Pippa.

You get it around any other women?

No, just her.

What is it? Sort of butterflies in the tummy, that sort of thing?

Ya, bang on.

It gets us all in the end, my boy.

You're in the first flushes of Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Oh.

Well, I'd better go to the doctor.

No, don't do that.

I'll give you some of my homeopathic medicine.

Now, people will tell you it's been scientifically proved not to work, but I think it does, and I'm going to be king.

Oh, hi, Wills.

Oh, hey, shnookums, how are your folks?

Oh, great, yeah, couldn't be better.

So you'll be back tonight?

Um, no.

We're having trouble finding the lucky heather.

The stuff we found today was just ordinary heather.

Oh, Grandad sent another one of his notes.

It's still r*cist, but less abusive.

They're busy opening parliament and they'd like you to do the state visit up north for them.

Oh. Well, er, that's great news.

You don't sound very pleased?

No, it's just that I promised Dad I'd help him put a curse on Rick Stein.

But you can do that any time.

And this is a chance for the public to see you as I see you.

As lovely. And it would mean a lot to me.

In that case, Wills, I'll go.

Thanks.

Love you.

Love you too.

Oh, hello, Elizabeth the First.

You look troubled, my child.

The Queen wants me to make a royal visit up north.

Then you must do your duty.

Yeah, the trouble is I've got Ebola, and I could cause an epidemic that kills millions.

On the other hand, it would mean a lot to my husband.

Oh, husband, is it? Well, I could have got married if I'd wanted to, you know.

That's not really the point.

Conjuring me up, rubbing my nose in it.

Calling me a virgin.

No, I didn't.

Up yours!

What am I going to do?

Hello, girls.

Mummy, we were just about to get the mat out.

What are you doing?

Oh, we're just really into eastern philosophies at the mo.

Oh, what's this?

Nothing, we were just thinking about a holiday in Turkey.

There's an onwards coach ticket to Syria.

Yeah, just so we have the option.

Girls, you haven't been radicalised, have you?

Mummy! Only weak-willed people of low intelligence get radicalised.

Yes?

It's Fergie here.

Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas?

No, not that Fergie.

Oh! Sir Alex Ferguson! How's retirement?

No, Sarah Ferguson.

I was Fergie ages before those other Fergies.

Oh. What do you want?

It's my daughters.

I think they've been radicalised.

Yeah, Prince Philip said you might try something like this.

I can assure you...

Save it for someone who gives a sh*t.

But my daughters... Hello?

Cock-a-doodle bollocks.

Royal Highness, as mayor of the North...

Oh...

It gives me great pleasure to welcome you to the North.

Thank you.

I thought she had the common touch, but she's gone all hoity-toity.

Bloody 'eck.

Hello, everyone.

I thought I'd muck in.

Camilla!

And I wanted to apologise for the fancy dress ball.

Don't say another word.

I know you would never do anything to undermine me.

Of course I wouldn't.

Now, who fancies a chip butty?

There's a member of the royal family we can all relate to.

Actually, you're right, look.

She's putting a ferret down her trousers.

Now she's getting a Leeds United tattoo on her forearm.

Your Highness, I'd like to introduce you to a typical northern family.

Hello.

Bloody hellfire.

We disgust her.

I'm so sorry.

I have to go.

Oh, dear.

Come on, everybody.

Let's have a nice northern singsong!

♪ You used to get it in your fishnets...

♪ Now you only get it in your nightdress... ♪

I've always said we should skip a generation and go straight to Wills and Kate, but not any more.

'I don't think you're nearly as hard as you make out.

'I just wish you had what Wills and I have.

'Hello, Pippa. Here we are. Incoming!'

Harry, just passing.

Just wondered whether you had any, erm, jigsaws.

Yeah, loads.

I was just doing one myself.

I can't cr*ck it, though.

Since I'm here, how about we grab a coffee or... go and get slaughtered?

Well, I have got this jigsaw to finish but...

Why not?

Ooh.

What is it?

Just had that funny feeling in my tummy.

Not lower down?

No. Definitely my guts.

It's this bloody irritable bowel syndrome.

I'd better go and park my lunch.

Fergs! How's it hanging?

Harry, you're my only hope.

Beatrice and Eugenie have been radicalised.

No-one radicalises my cousins and gets away with it.

What does "radicalised" mean?

I lost you a bit there, Fergie.

Edward's helping as well.

It's my chance for redemption.

You see, all my life I've been a quitter.

I quit the Marines, had to wind up my own TV production company with losses of two million...

And It's A Royal Knockout nearly destroyed the monarchy.

Exactly.

But now I've got a chance to make all that right.

How about a toast to success?

There's no time, Uncle Edward.

Let's go.

Harry, be careful.

There it is, boy! The wall your Uncle Edward failed on.

I am not my Uncle Edward.

I'm determined to see this air ambulance thing through.

I'm so sorry, I'm going to have to get this.

Don't you touch that phone, boy!

Oh, just two secs.

I'm committed.

110%!

Hi, babe.

I'm warning you, son!

No. Sorry.

I've got to go.

You're in deep sh*t, boy!

Deep sh*t!

Wills!

Why didn't you tell me you had Ebola?

It hadn't been confirmed and you had your new job to worry about.

But it's Ebola, Kate! Ebola!

I know. I've been selfish.

Oh, I feel really rather sleepy.

No. Don't go to sleep.

Come on. Sing something.

♪ Heads, shoulders, knees and toes ♪
♪ Knees and toes... ♪

Look, join in! Don't go to sleep!

♪ Heads, shoulders, knees and toes ♪
♪ Knees and toes... ♪

Now just the actions.

They're in here.

OK. Stand back.

I'm going to kick it in.

Leave it to me.

Awesome.

♪ YMCA ♪
♪ It's fun to stay at the... ♪
♪ YMCA ♪
♪ You can get yourself clean ♪
♪ You can have a good... ♪

Kate! Don't leave me!

No, I need you by my side, or at least to know you're at home supervising tea!

No!

What's going on?

She's going, Doc.

There's only one thing for it.

I read about a treatment but it's only at the research stage.

Go on.

I want you to miniaturise me and inject me into Kate's bloodstream to fight off the virus.

It's too late for that.

You mean...?

That's right.

We've already miniaturised Tony Blair and sent him in in a little submarine.

Look, you can see him on this monitor.

Hello, Tony?

Hello.

He's doing an excellent job.

I'm really feeling so much better.

Kate is now completely Ebola-free.

Oh, that's wonderful!

And you'll sh*t out Tony Blair within the next 72 hours.

Unfortunately, he'll never be normal-sized again.

Oh, hi, Harry.

Oh, hi, Wills.

I've got a bit of a PR disaster on my hands.

Don't tell me, you've been smoking cr*ck with three Beninese prostitutes again.

No, it's a bit worse than that.

Female, multiple unlicensed weapons...

Oh, I see.

Sawn off?

Right.

Well, hand grenades? Who had those?

Fergie. Right.

OK, well, I'll be with you as soon as poss.

Sorry, darling. It's Harry and most of the family.

They're in trouble. Do you mind if I...?

Not so fast. I'm coming with you.

I'm an informal travel agent trying to make a living and these three blast their way in like The Expendables.

Oh, Harry.

Sorry, bro.

I thought they were being shipped out as t*rrorists.

Turns out he was trying to sell them a holiday.

We didn't understand.

I mean, who pays for a holiday?

Look, there's no excuse for these three assuming this good man was trying to turn those simple girls into vicious k*lling machines.

Ha! What a debacle!

Eh, does it mean the end of the monarchy?

They're completely outdated anyway.

You're right, my friend.

This is a debacle.

It only takes a simple glance at this inscription, "All holidays ABTA guaranteed," to see that his intentions were honourable.

I know I can't stop you from publishing this story but I can say this -- it's dangerous times like these the people need a monarchy more than ever.

I don't know.

Maybe they need something to look up to.

Perhaps they just like collecting plates with our faces on.

If you publish, you'll be taking that away from them.

It's in your hands now.

I trust you to make the right decision.

A fine speech.

You will make a wonderful king one day.

And you, a wonderful queen.

Now, have you decided where you're going skiing this year?

Windsor!

Oh, I'm sorry I got called away, sir, but my wife had Ebola and I had to solve a constitutional crisis.

That's all right, Windsor.

None of that matters.

I'm sorry but...

I'm going to have to let you go.

What? Why?

Somebody got to you.

I'm not at liberty to say.

Is it my father?

It is.

Sorry.

Wills, you may have crushed my testicles, but you're the best damn air ambulance pilot I ever seen.

Thanks.

But you never saw me fly.

I didn't have to.

Look at this, darling. It's from the government.

It's a reply to my letter about increasing the habitat for woodlice.

They're thanking me for highlighting the problem and placing a copy on file.

This is it, Camilla.

They're finally starting to take me seriously.

Oh, shut up. Have you seen this?

"It is believed Kate caught the disease after a secret humanitarian visit to a centre for asylum seekers."

Balls. The plebs'll want to skip us again.

Well, even if, worse case, I wasn't to become king, I'd still have all my other roles.

Do you seriously think you're president of the Royal Shakespeare Company because you've actually got something to offer?

You got it because you're somebody's child.

You!

You got me fired from the London Air Ambulance.

Of course. You've no business flying helicopters, having a job, helping people.

So it's just because I'm trying to be normal and kind?

Yes.

What happened to you at Gordonstoun to make you like this?

They teased me about my ears.

Oh, my God.

I'm pregnant.