05x05 - Above Board Metrics

[bunniefuu]

Hustle it up.

Previously on House of Lies...

I know you thought you'd made it into Marty's most intimate circle, and here comes Jeannie, and just like that... booted unceremoniously down the hall, out of the old pussay.

Ew.

I want to buy you, Marty.

It's been a while since your people could buy my people.

This offer is no longer exclusive.

Seven times my revenue... when Skip buys my firm, that is what he's gonna put in my pocket.

Jeannie: Maybe we take this away from Monica.

Well, f*ck yeah.

Marty: I'm gonna get my company so pumped up, that my valuations are just jacked.

Marty: 20 stories tall, four football fields in length.

Movie theater, retail shops.

And it ain't even the biggest ship in the fleet.

Oh, put on your slickers and grab your chum buckets, kiddies, because from this point on, it is big game fishing only.

Ugh. As opposed to before, when, you know, we were just f*cking around.

Hey, it's fired-up Marty. I love fired-up Marty.

Last year, Palace Cruises did...

Just over 4.6 billion in revenue.

God, I love that word... billion!

'Cause you know what billion-dollar clients mean?

Big fat f*cking zeros at the end of that fat-ass check that Skip Galweather's gonna cut to acquire K and A.

Assuming your ex-wife doesn't win the offer first.

Correct, which is why I want this particular whale harpooned and rendered by the time we reach port of call in the next couple of days.

Puts us back on a plane to L.A., where we will secure more business and make ourselves un-f*cking-deniable.

And I can get back to our child.

Well, yes, we got to get back to Phoebe. Phoebe, of course.

But can we make it happen, captain?

Yes, we can.

And can we make it happen, Douglas?!

Just call me Ishmael.

Uh, can we make it happen, Clyde?

Clyde, would you like to stop looking...

I got it. I got it. I got it.

Get in here. We're doing a thing.

Winning business good, losing bad.

Jeannie wants to see her kid. I'm with you, chief. Let's go.

Great. Dinner's in a couple hours.

Till that time, we're gonna get settled, take a look around the ship, try to come up with something nice to say to the captain and CEO at dinner.

The captain? Hold up, hold up, hold up.

Are you serious?

We're sitting at the captain's table tonight?

Don't f*ck with me on this, Marty.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's just that this ship is captained by Megan Dunleavy.

One of the few female captains in the cruise line industry.

Get this. She worked her way up to master mariner in three short years.

So what's the term if it happens out at sea?

Is it still considered stalking?

It's called stalking, right?

I'd call it stalking.

What about sea stalking?

It's stalking for sure.

Jeannie, Jeannie, Jeannie, it is every little boy's fantasy to sleep with a ship captain, am I right?

[laughs] Oh, Doug.

It absolutely is not.

What?

I've never had that fantasy before, and I will f*ck anything.

And don't you have a girlfriend who also happens to be our client?

Well, uh, Marty, we never said we were exclusive.

I don't give a sh*t.

Doug: See? Marty gets it, yeah?

No stranger himself to the joys of mixing business and pleasure. Up top.

That, and the fact that she already signed a contract.

Up top! Don't give a sh*t.

Ah.

[laughing]

Wasn't that funny.

It's not what I'm laughing at.

man: Is that Marty Kaan?!

Oh, no.

Jeannie: Oh, yes.

Doug: Oh, no, no, no, no.

Ooh, come to get his d*ck wet on the high seas, eh?!

It is!

Unbelievable!

f*cking Dushkins.

Alex: Oh, yeah.

Kyle: Unbelievable.

Oh, the whole g*ng is here!

Alex and Kyle.

What the f*ck are you guys doing here?

Palace Cruises begged us...

Begged us!

To come run a club night for them.

And we are f*cking k*lling it.

Yes!

Yay.

You gotta come.

Marty: Oh, look at this.

"So much fun, you'll ship your pants."

both: You'll ship your pants, bro!

Ha-ha!

Okay. Wow.

Doug: On the count of three, the first knot you ever learned to tie. You ready?

One, two, three. Cleat hitch!

I think it was a sheet bend.

[laughs] A sheet bend?

That was the second one I learned.

[Dunleavy laughs]

Doug: Wow.

God, you're just full of surprises.

Let me ask you something.

Would you mind me citing your story in my upcoming TED talk?

Oh, my God, Douglas, are you giving a TED talk?

Why didn't you tell anybody?

We would've loved to know about that.

[clears throat] See, part of my talk's about overcoming adversity, and I think your story, Captain, would be an inspirational example.

I'm sorry. My-my story of adversity?

Well, yeah.

You know, being a woman.

[Marty coughs]

Well, in a male-dominated profession is what... You know what I meant.

Douglas, maybe you should stop digging.

I feel like the hole is deep enough.

[Dunleavy chuckles]

Yeah.

[Dunleavy clears throat]

Hmm.

Earlier, I was telling Marty how impressed I am that you do all your business onboard.

Mm.

I do think it'sortant to understand how much fun we have around here.

Yes.

That's clear.

So, how can we be more profitable?

Well, we're still replatforming the journey line, you know, to trend-jack secular market space migration, exploring ancillary liquidity scenarios.

It's gonna take a... gonna take a minute.

I see.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I guess I'll just have to wait till the morning.

Mm-hmm. Ready for me?

Excuse me.

Yeah.

Clyde: Do you wear that jacket everywhere?

I do.

[chuckles]

Is there any chance...?

Clyde, hey.

I need you to fast-track a deck with some good solutions that we can put in front of this guy first thing in the morning.

Sure.

And you're still sitting here...?

I'll do it after dinner. What am I gonna do?

I'm at the table right now.

Marty: You're gonna do this.

Right now, we're eating with the captain right now.

Clyde.

Clyde.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me steal you for one second, just because I may have to leave.

Mm-hmm.

What the f*ck?

Was I not just crystal clear?

You were.

It's almost as if he has nothing to gain and a whole lot to lose if this sale to Skip goes through.

[loud dance music playing]

[crowd cheering]

Let's get wet!

[cheering, excited chatter]

Doug: All right, well, remember it's not cheating in international waters.

Enchanté.

Nice.

[whoops] Clyde, you have got to f*ck the captain.

Yep, put it in her port and her stern.

Those are boat terms!

Doug: Excuse me!

That's our captain you're talking about.

You show some respect.

And I'm sure she was simply being cordial to a passenger at her table.

I don't think she's gonna go and f*ck Clyde.

Clyde: All right, Doug.

I'm sure she offers tours of the engine room to, like, everybody, right?

Bro, are you kidding me?!

What? What, what, what?

Engine room is totally off-limits to passengers.

She didn't make it seem that way.

You know what's not off-limits?

Don't say her vag*na.

Alex and Kyle: Her p*ssy!

[whooping, laughing]

Excuse me, excuse me.

Hey!

all: Hey!

Clyde? Doug?

The f*ck are you doing here?

Clyde's gonna f*ck the captain.

Right in the engine room.

That is awesome.

Uh, but before that happens, we got a little business that we need to talk about.

So f*ck off, Dushkins.

Ah.

Clyde: Bye.

You guys want a drink?

Marty: No.

I want to know what the f*ck you are doing here and not in the data dump room.

Yeah, well, we were in the data dump room, Marty.

And the data dump room led us right here.

Why don't you take a look around?

This place is f*cking packed.

They got V.I.P. booths. They have bottle service.

There is a m*therf*cking line to get into a club on a cruise ship.

But you want to know the best part?

None of it is covered in the all-inclusive package.

But all these people are more than happy to pay, because?

Because it's alcohol and it's vacation and f*ck it.

Mm.

f*ck it.

And f*ck it.

Think about it.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

No.

No.

I know this goes against every fiber of your being, but we ran the numbers, okay?

The play to secure optimal profits for Palace Cruises and a sh*t-ton of after-work for K and A...

Don't. is standing right over there, dressed in suits made of cartoons.

Oh, f*ck yeah! Who's having a good time tonight?

[crowd cheering]

[quiet clinking]

[sighs]

A dedicated party ship run by the Dushkins?

That is our recommendation, yeah.

Here are some first-year profit projections, sir.

Hmm.

f*ck me.

The Dushkins have already made you a lot of money in a short amount of time with a limited amount of space.

Implement this expansion...

And they'll make you a boatload more.

It helps if you look at the boat. Okay.

Doug.

You're suggesting that I expand business dealings with the Dushkins?

Have you spent time with these men?

[chuckles] Yes.

Jeannie: Yes.

They're-they're assholes.

Uh, I'm gonna stop you there.

They're huge assholes.

But the fact of the matter is they do have the Midas touch when it comes to party promotion.

They know how to monetize the space better than anyone in the country.

Well, that may be, but they won't even sign the contract on this ship until the demands in their rider are met.

They-they have a rider?

Oh, yeah.

Let me just read you a couple highlights.

A private helicopter to and from the boat.

Huh.

Flying lessons.

Wow.

One live-in masseuse.

In parentheses, hot.

One live-in chef.

In parentheses... hot.

Hot. Yeah, saw that coming.

Starting to sound like Jeannie's rider.

[laughing]

'Cause of all the "hot"...

Yeah.

Doug: Oh, we're having fun.

Listen, we've done business with these guys before.

We know how to talk to assholes.

We speak fluent assh*le, sir.

Thanks, Doug.

You got it.

And we believe that we can get them down to some reasonable demands.

Okay.

You get this down to, say, a page, we're in business.

Do I have to say I'm skeptical?

Please allow me to say that we [chuckles] look forward to making you a believer.

Jeannie: Yes.

f*ck... me.

Doug: So, listen, Clyde,

I don't want to get into a pissing match with you about the captain, Oh.

So I'm respectfully asking you to stand down.

I would, but I really...

I really do want to see that engine room.

Why? You've seen one engine room, you've seen 'em all.

Who cares?

No, but this one is supposed to be special, and she's gonna No, it's not. It's boring. be the one that shows it to me.

[clears throat]

So I really...

Please don't. Please don't.

I-I hate you.

Best part is, you won't have to put up with me for much longer.

What does that mean?

It means that if this sale to Skip goes through, we are f*cked, Douglas.

Think about it, even in a best-case scenario, if he doesn't fire us, you really think he's gonna let two guys in the Marty Kaan regime f*cking rise up the ranks?

Oh, please. He doesn't remember us.

Really?!

No.

Okay, we saw him take a sh*t in Marty's briefcase.

You think he's gonna remember us, Doug?

Yeah, we're f*cked.

Yes.

And do you want to know the f*cking worst part?

What?

Even after all these years, Marty never offered to make us partners.

I mean, at least then we would have a piece of the action.

But now we have f*cking nothing.

Would have been nice, right?

Yeah.

All right, come on. We're up.

[island music playing]

boy: Take that, loser!

[water splashes]

[boy laughs]

What the f*ck? g*dd*mn it, what did I tell you?

Well, hello.

Buenos dias.

So what'd you guys think of the club?

Um, to be honest, I found it a little depressing.

Depressing?! Hold on!

f*ck do you mean the club's depressing?

People love our club.

They love our club.

Last night, some old dude told us he got an under-the-table handy from his wife.

First time in 30 years.

Does that sound depressing to you?

Doesn't sound depressing to me.

It's not not depressing.

Guys, the club is fantastic.

What's depressing is the squandered opportunity.

Right now, you're in a limited space, and you're just wasting your talents.

Could you imagine if you owned an entire ship?

Right? I mean, your own f*cking ship.

Owned by you, operated by you.

Dushkin Party Cruise Lines.

Did you just say "Dushkin Party Cruise Lines"?

Yeah.

Jeannie, oh, my God, guess what I say.

Sign me the f*ck up.

We f*cking love this idea, Marty.

Love this idea.

It's a great idea.

Mm.

First thing we're gonna do is put in some real shops.

Yeah, get rid of all this family-friendly bullshit.

Yeah, yeah, instead of Gap, Gucci.

Ooh.

Instead of that stupid f*cking M&M store...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, an S and M store.

[imitates whip cracking]

Ow!

Instead of Starbucks...

No, no, wait, wait.

We'll... let's keep the Starbucks.

We'll keep the Starbucks.

Guys, you can do whatever you want.

It's your own f*cking ship.

Ooh, f*cking love this idea!

Yeah!

How do we make this happen?

Clyde: Hey, Marty, can I talk to you for a second?

Marty: Uh, can it... can it wait?

I mean, we're talking to the Dushkins about their own boat right now.

Yeah, about that.

Uh, we ran the numbers and, um...

There's a problem.

What?

What problem?

Uh, looks like start-up costs are higher than we initially projected, guys.

Taking into account thip, upkeep, staff, basic insurance coverage.

Clyde: All in?

You're looking at 200 mil.

$200 million dollars?

Marty, we don't have $200 million dollars.

So what? You're the f*cking Dushkins, you can get it.

Yeah, we're sort of in this rebuilding phase right now though.

Kind of doubled down on our cologne, Snatch.

By Dushkin?

both: By Dushkin.

b*rned our backers.

f*ck.

Marty: Ugh, man.

That sucks.

Dushkin Party Ship, it was a hell of an idea.

f*ck.

I would've gone on that thing in a second.

f*ck!

Double f*ck.

We're gonna think about this.

Really?

Sorry, guys.

Doug: Put some pants on, have a think.

[clears throat]

And now we wait.

[basketball bouncing]

[Marty grunts]

Marty: Nice elbow.

We need to talk about my exit strategy.

Your exit strategy?

Yeah.

I got no incentive to stay.

And I'm f*cked at K and A if Skip takes over.

Check ball, all right?

You know you should've made me partner a long f*cking time ago.

Jesus Christ.

I worked my f*cking ass off for you.

Yeah, and we paid you for that, right, Clyde?

You know what your problem is?

Oh, this ought to be beautiful.

What's my problem, buddy? Hmm?

You made up your mind about me a long f*cking time ago.

Doesn't matter what I do, doesn't matter how much I f*cking grow, that's never gonna change.

Clyde: Got you.

Yeah.

Well, guess what, you whining about it like a little bitch, is that supposed to show me how much you've matured?

I'm not f*cking whining.

Then what are you doing, Clyde?

Fine, can we talk about my severance package or not?

Yeah. When we get back to the office, all right?

[dance music playing]

They will figure this out eventually, right?

Oh, yeah, they'll put it together.

It's a simple solution.

Yeah, but they're pretty simpleminded.

Yeah, that's true.

There he is!

Clyde: Hey!

Where have you been, Clyde?

Why is there soot all over your jacket? Oh.

Huh.

[Doug scoffs]

That is f*cking weird.

Okay, very good.

Showing up late.

The soot from the engine room on your jacket.

[chuckles] Oh, I get it.

What do you get?

Well, he's trying to make me think that he f*cked the captain, but I know that didn't happen.

Oh, he's right, I didn't.

So you're denying it.

I am. I am.

Ugh.

[coughs]

Then where'd the soot come from?!

Why are you late?!

Hey.

Are you f*cking with me right now?!

Doug.

Doug.

Well-well, denying it makes me think he really did, when he actually didn't.

That makes sense.

Yeah, smart.

You didn't f*ck the captain.

No, I didn't f*ck the captain.

Oh, f*ck you, Clyde!

Okay, here we go. You watching that?

See the tumblers, they're starting to line up.

They put it together. That's it, boys.

Now do a celebratory chest bump!

Yaga!

Marty!

Marty: Over here!

Fellas!

Yes!

We have got an idea.

Marty: What? Hello, focus.

Alex: Uh, instead of us putting up the money to run a ship...

Palace Cruises gives us one to run.

Oh, my God.

Marty: Wow, that is a great idea, but I do see one small problem.

Yeah, the-the CEO hates you guys.

Yeah, he hates you guys.

He's got a real stick up his ass about the rider in your contract.

Well, Marty, you should talk to him about that and see if maybe you could...

Loosen the stick?

Yeah!

I guess I could try.

Worth a sh*t.

Yeah, Marty!

Yeah, but here's the thing.

In order for this to have any chance of working, you're going to have to back down on all those demands in that rider.

Alex and Kyle: No.

You got to do it, guys.

All of them?

Listen, it's that or no ship, okay?

Your call.

The rider, the ship...

That's tough.

Clyde: Think it over.

Very smart.

[clears throat]

f*ck it.

f*ck it.

Rider demands rescinded.

Wow.

Okay, then.

We're gonna bust our ass and try to get you guys a ship.

[whoops] f*ck yeah!

Yes!

All right.

Okay, guys, got a lot of work to do.

Marty: Get out of here.

Crunch some numbers.

We'll be in touch.

Yeah!

I think that went great.

Yeah. I feel like a little bit of a clap.

sh*ts?!

sh*ts!

sh*ts.

Jeannie: Yeah.

sh*ts!

Marty: sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts.

[excited chatter]

No, no, no, no, no.

Jeannie: Hit it again.

[upbeat music playing]

I got to dance it off!

Oh!

[dance music playing]

I'm king of the ship!

man: That's not the line, assh*le!

I f*cking deserve a partnership, Marty.

You know that!

You "deserve" it?

I do f*cking deserve it.

Guys, guys...

Yes!

Do you know what the word "deserve" means?

Guys...

Clyde: Yes, I do!

It means you f*cking earned it.

f*ck you!

Aw...

f*ck you.

f*ck you!

f*ck you, Clyde.

f*ck you, you piece of sh*t!

You guys suck!

Such a buzz k*ll.

Bye, Jeannie.

Let me be who I'm supposed to f*cking be!

Oh!

I should be up where you are.

Should I call the wambulance?

Yeah, call the wambulance.

Here it comes.

See what happens.

[imitating siren] Wah-oh!

all: Wah-oh! Wah-oh! Wah-oh! Wah-oh!

[dance music continues]

[whooping]

[slurring] I f*cked you, man.

No. No.

I did.

No, Clyde, I'm sorry, man.

You know what I would've done if Skip gave me that offer?

What?

The same exact thing that you f*cking did.

Ah.

Dude, you are my favorite work son.

I love you. Just don't tell blah.

I'm not gonna tell the...

What?

What?

I love you, too, Marty!

Come on, man.

Jeannie: Marty!

Guys!

[music stops]

[crowd quiets]

I got to pump and dump.

[crowd cheering]

Ah!

Oh!

That's my girl.

[Upbeat soul music playing]

♪ ♪

[chattering, laughing]

No.

Hello.

Sweet potato fries!

Ew, ew, ew, ew!

[slurring] There's no booze here.

Hey, you know what has high... a high alcohol content?

What has high alcohol content?

What?

I dare you.

Oh, you f*cking dare me?

I da...

You f*cking dare me?

What are you guys talking about?

What?

What?

Drink that baby food!

Chug, chug, chug!

Baby! Ba... No, come on, Clyde!

Drink that baby food!

Drink that baby food!

Chug, chug!

Chug, chug, chug! No, Clyde!

Drink that... Yes! Yes!

g*dd*mn it! You f*cking assh*le!

Marty: Yes!

Doug: God, the suspense is k*lling me.

Stay, stay, stay.

Ready?

[imitating Oprah] Okay!

Look under your chairs!

[chuckles]

Oh, what is it?

That's right!

You get a partnership!

And you get a partnership!

No.

No way!

[screaming]

Are you serious?!

Marty!

Marty!

Marty, I love you! This is unbelievable!

[laughter]

Doug: We did it!

[sobbing]

[slurring] Oh, sh*t.

I'm late.

I'll see you guys tomorrow, all right?

[Doug laughs]

Nice try, Clyde.

I'm still not falling for it. [laughs, snorts]

Hey, be careful, buddy.

Yeah, right.

You know something?

We're... really, really good at life.

Yep.

Like, we... we have this business we're about to sell for some serious "f*ck you" money.

Oh, my God, serious money.

And we have a kid, Marty!

We have a beautiful, amazing...

And she's so well-adjusted.

She's-she's five months old, but I like your optimism.

And, yeah, it sucks that we have to travel so much d-during these formative months, but that's gonna change.

And that builds character.

It's a character builder.

I mean, we are k*lling it as parents!

I agree!

k*lling it!

[chuckles]

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

What's going on?

What happened? You're changing.

Oh, no, don't cry.

Jeannie, don't-don't cry.

We were just k*lling it. We just had fun.

Don't cry, Jeannie.

[groggily] Yeah, don't cry, Jeannie.

[sniffles]

What if we're not k*lling it as parents, Marty?

We just said we're k*lling it.

I love her so much! [sobbing]

I know. I know.

Okay, come on.

Oh, my God.

Tell the captain to stop driving in circles.

What are you doing?

I'm calling our baby.

Jeannie, don't do that.

[line ringing]

You're drunk, okay?

It's gonna come off as desperate.

nanny: Jeannie?

I want to talk to my baby.

What time is it?

Just f*cking put her on.

Come on. It's the nanny. "Please."

Just f*cking put her on, please.

There you go.

[Phoebe cooing]

[Marty gasps]

[laughs]

Hi, bun.

Hey, boo-boo.

How you doing, bunny?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Can you say hi to Mom and Daddy?

Hi, bunny. We miss you.

Hi, mama. We miss you.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, look at her.

[sobbing] She's getting so big.

[laughs softly]

[sobbing]

Don't.

You're getting so big!

[laughs]

[sobbing]

[sighs]

[sniffles]

Love you.

[laughs]

[knocking]

Hey.

Some night, huh?

Oh, hey. [laughs]

What are you doing here?

It's me, Doug.

Cleat hitch.

[chuckles]

I knew it.

I'm sorry?

Listen, Cap, uh... [clears throat]

I know we've been doing this little dance, but, uh, I head back to L.A. tomorrow, and... [clears throat]

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm just a boy standing in front of a ship captain...

Okay. You need to go back to your stateroom.

Hey. Hey, hey.

It's wildly inappropriate that you're here.

Oh, I see.

But if Clyde were here, it'd be wildly appropriate, right?

Who is Clyde?

"Who's Clyde?"

Like you don't know good old "engine room" Clyde.

You two... peas in a f*cking pod.

He's here now, isn't he?

I'm calling security.

Whoa.

Okay, hey! Okay, okay, fine.

[laughs]

J'accuse!

[chuckles]

I knew it.

[sighs]

[dialing]

Hey.

Who you calling?

Security, Captain Dunleavy.

So cool.

Hurry.

I'm the captain now.

Marty?

Hmm?

Did we have sex?

Didn't.

[sighs]

Marty?

Hmm?

Did we drunk-dial our baby last night?

Did.

[chuckles]

Oh, no.

Don't worry, mama.

We are still f*cking k*lling it.

Yeah.

We're k*lling it. Hmm.

announcer: We'll be docking at our first port of call in approximately ten minutes.

Welcome to Cabo San Lucas.

So... how do you think it's going over there?

Know what?

If anyone can get it done, it's Marty.

Yeah. Yeah, he can.

Wasn't cream, it was ice cream.

But I'm gonna tell you just like I told him...

Look at him, he's going for it.

Come on, Marty.

Got to try the sorbet!

Well, I-I'm really glad that you enjoyed our dessert bar so much.

You're g*dd*mn right I did, Patrick.

It's a f*cking home run.

[whispers] What's happening?

[sighs]

Any luck with the Dushkins?

[sighs] Well, the Dushkins.

They're gonna run a boat for you.

Ah.

And they have agreed to forgo their rider.

Completely?

How on earth did you do that?

Eh.

[cork pops]

Looks like you guys got yourself a boat.

[Alex and Kyle laugh]

Yes, we did!

Yeah, we got a f*cking boat!

Yes, we did!

[grunts]

Yeah!

Marty f*cking Kaan!

Marty f*cking Kaan!

[chanting] Marty Kaan! Marty Kaan!

Where's Doug?

[chanting continues]

[lock beeps]

[Doug sighs]

Marty, Jeannie, thank God.

What an ordeal.

I swear to God, if we miss this f*cking plane...

I need a coconut water so bad.

How did you do it?

Whoa.

Did you trade cigarettes for things?

Get away from me.

For, like, a calculator?

Did you drop the soap?

Doug: You know, I went my whole life without being incarcerated.

Clyde: Incarcerated?

Yeah.

They put you in a room and demagnetized your key card.

Yeah, thanks to you and your childish mind games.

Clyde: Oh, my God, how did you get through it?

Aren't you glad you made them both partners?

I did what now?

[gentle mariachi music playing]

♪ ♪