03x09 - Ex-Posed

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Faking It"...

I'm Amy, walking pile of contradictions.

I'm transgender.

It doesn't change the way I feel about you.

She can set it to midnight New Year's Eve.

Do you think she'll like it?

I know I'd melt if I got something like this.

Does that mean you still want to find a girl to kiss?

I think I already found one.

♪ Hey ♪
♪ Whoa ♪

[giggles]

Why didn't we do this at camp?

It's so much more fun than making friendship bracelets.

But not as much fun as dream catchers.

Mm.

Seriously, these past four days have been...

Thrilling?

Scary?

I was gonna go with magical.

Farrah: Amy!

How many of your friends are coming to our annual Ho-Ho-Ho-Holiday party tomorrow?

I need an accurate count for the gingerbread men.

Are you girls bringing dates?

Nope.

What about that adorable Felix?

I'm just not really interested in anyone right now.

You've been in a really good mood lately.

There's got to be someone.

Nope.

Not a one. [chuckles]

Hmm. Shame.

Well, get me that list.

Look, I know you're not ready to come out and I don't want to pressure you, but I've learned that secret relationships always blow up in your face and I don't want this to blow up.

Me neither.

So you want to tell your mom?

And Karma.

[sighs]

She's my best friend.

I don't like lying to her.

She's just not exactly my biggest fan.

Who knows what she's gonna say about me?

Sabrina, there's nothing Karma can say that'll come between us.

I promise.

Sabrina is faking it.

That kiss at the diversity assembly: 100 % bogus.

Why would she do that?

Because I told her that she would never have a connection with Amy the way that I do, and she's trying to prove me wrong.

She's a psychopath.

Do you hear how crazy you sound?

That kiss looked pretty real to me.

At least help me warn her.

I mean, who knows what lies Sabrina's telling her to suck her deeper into her web?

The thing is, is I don't think Sabrina's faking it.

Sorry, Karma, you're on your own.

Both: I've got to talk to you about Sabrina.

You go first.

All right, but you have to hear me out without interrupting, okay?

Okay.

Sabrina has been questioning her sexuality.

A-and after the diversity assembly, we kissed.

Okay, but she is...

Zzt.

I really like her and I know that you two don't get along, but I'm really hoping that you're not gonna trash her character or try to talk me out of it.

What? I-I wasn't gonna do that.

You do have a history of sabotaging my relationships.

Yeah, but that was the old me.

I love you.

I just want you to be happy.

I am so, so happy.

So what were you gonna tell me?

I don't even remember what it was.

Boy, I'm spacey today.

Yay!

[Amy sighs]

Man, I am so tired. Late night.

Mm. So I heard.

I need coffee.

Where are your mugs?

Above you.

You can use any, except... [mug shatters]

Oops.

That one.

[phone beeps]

Okay. Time to go.

But my coffee?

Aw, your Uber's here, sorry.

Where's Edie?

That's it.

No more one-night-stands traipsing through my place.

Hey, this is my apartment too.

Condo... And you don't pay rent.

And neither do you.

Irrelevant.

The point is, this isn't a brothel.

Enough with the slut-shaming.

It isn't any less wrong when you do it to a guy.

No one-night-stands is a perfectly reasonable roommate rule.

If you're a monk.

Maybe if you put yourself out there, you'd feel differently.

I'm sorry I don't have low standards like you.

Do you know how hard it is to find a handsome, athletic, ambitious young Libertarian who wears khakis that actually fit and is comfortable with a strong woman?

The rule stands.

Wait. Maybe we should slow down.

Why?

You're Shane Harvey; you don't do slow.

Sure, I do.

Besides, I thought you would want to take it slow.

Hey, I don't want to take it slow, unless you do.

Uh, it's no, then.

Full steam ahead, then. [chuckles]

Right?

Yeah.

Uh, just not at this exact minute.

Right.

Of course not, 'cause our first time can't be in the band room.

[chuckles] Exactly.

We got to do this [bleep] right.

In a bed.

Yeah.

Just not tonight.

Uh, 'cause I have this holiday party.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, I have to study for this big Reiki healing test.

And that's super important.

Yes.

So, um, tomorrow night?

Great. Perfect.

It's a... sex date.

It's a sex date.

Yeah.

I am so on to your twisted game, Sabrina.

And I'm giving you one chance to come clean to Amy yourself.

What are you talking about?

You're straight.

Heterosexual. Unqueer.

Typically, when you're dating a girl, you're not straight.

[phone buzzing]

Don't play innocent with me, you sick freak.

You're playing with Amy's emotions just so you can push me out.

Interesting theory.

You should tell Amy about that yourself.

I'm sure you won't seem like a jealous nut-job trying to sabotage our relationship.

While you're at it, why don't you tell her that I'm the one that sh*t Kennedy and Lincoln and Tupac?

You would love that, wouldn't you?

Looks like you're in a proverbial pickle.

Boo.

[sighs]

♪ ♪

[all "ohm-ing"]

So have you, uh, sealed the deal with Noah?

Not yet.

What?

It's been four days.

You got a groin injury or something?

No.

Not everyone's got to jump in bed with everyone right away.

Okay, that does not sound like you.

What's going on?

Nothing's going on. There's nothing to discuss.

Not even if I really, really wanted to.

How's your sex life?

About to end.

Lauren said no more girls at the apartment because she's lonely, bitter, and vindictive.

Just play matchmaker.

Once she's got her own love interest, she'll forget about yours.

Yeah, except I'll never find anyone to meet her impossible standards.

It is an outrage that my beliefs are being systematically repressed at Hester just because I'm in a minority.

I already told you, Preston, there's not enough interest in a Libertarian club.

You are the only Libertarian.

How would you even get a quorum?

Which is exactly why we need a club.

This isn't over, Penelope.

But I respect you as a powerful woman and adversary.

Hey, Preston, buddy.

What are you doing tonight?

Oh, you don't say?

This is the perfect opportunity to tell my mom about us.

You want to tell her at a party?

Oh, yeah, that's the only place to tell her anything.

That way, if she has a bad reaction, she won't make a scene.

Hmm.

Your grandmother made that top?

Well, it's just so...

Mom?

Oh, excuse me.

I changed my mind.

I am bringing a date.

Surprise! [chuckles]

We're dating.

Well, that's wonderful, sweetheart.

That's it?

You're not even slightly upset?

Of course not.

Whoever makes you happy makes me happy.

And in the spirit of non-judgment, while you've been reconnecting with someone from your past, so have I.

You remember Ron.

[giggles]

Ron the Con?

Not nice, sweetheart.

Besides, Ron's different now.

He has an actual job and a two-bedroom condo on South Padre Island.

Oh.

Did he steal the down payment from his mom?

Again, not nice.

Gotta go.

That was the emergency?

You stole Sabrina's phone?

Yeah.

And I need you to hack it.

Okay, just because I play video games does not mean I know how to hack a phone.

[phone ringing]

What do I do?

What do I do?

Oh, don't...

[nasally voice] Hello?

Sabrina?

Yeah, this is me.

I-I'm sorry, I have a cold.

I have a surprise for you.

I'm in town!

You are?

And I'm on my way to your house.

No!

I mean, um, I have a better idea.

Meet me at the Brew N Chew in five.

Bye. [phone beeps]

What did you just do?

It's called collecting evidence.

I knew she was faking it.

That's probably her boyfriend.

Or just about anybody.

[sighs] Okay.

Please come with me to meet him.

I know you still care about Amy and if there's even a chance that I'm right about this, think about what it would do to her.

She would be devastated... again.

So what's the deal with Ron?

Besides the child-molester name?

Oh, God, is he a...

Oh, ew. No, no, no.

When he and my mom dated the first time, he got her involved in some pyramid scheme selling an Herbalife knockoff and she lost a ton of money all because of that lying, manipulative jerk.

What if it was just a little lie that got out of hand and now he really likes Farrah?

Maybe he's changed.

No, not Ron.

And we're gonna prove it.

Listen up, New Lisbeths, I've suffered a very small drop in Instagram followers so I need you both to take candid photos of me tonight in this festive setting to make my life look more relatably fabulous.

But I don't want to feel like I'm being stalked by the paparazzi.

Lose those hideous sweaters and the heels.

They're gonna make a racket.

Ew.

Oh, hey, Lauren.

Hey, I was just talking to my friend Preston about...

What were you talking about?

American Exceptionalism.

For or against?

How could there be a question? For.

[chuckles]

I thought I was the only person in this school who believed America has a manifest destiny.

Well, so did I.

I'm just gonna go to the bathroom while you guys discuss.

Well, it's very nice to meet you.

May I get you a drink?

Suppose you absolutely adore candy canes and you didn't think you even liked peppermint bark, but then you find some peppermint bark you really want to eat.

Does that mean you're a peppermint bark person now and not a candy cane person?

I'm not allowed to have processed sugar.

What?

♪ ♪

Okay, what's the plan?

We just talk to him.

♪ ♪

[Australian accent] Well, hello there, mate.

I'm Barbie... As in put a shrimp on the...

And here is Baz.

Hi. [chuckles]

We're just friendly tourists from Down Under looking to meet the locals.

Well, I'm not really a local.

Oh, are you visiting someone?

Yep.

Like a friend or a girlfriend?

Or...

My girlfriend, Sabrina.

We're long-distance.

I came up to surprise her.

She sounds pretty.

Do you have a picture?

Yeah, tons.

[chuckles]

How about one of the two of you together?

Do you mind if we take a photo?

Of the photo?

[Australian accent] Yeah, you know, pics of pics.

It's all the rage Down Under.

Okay, what's going on?

I-I told you, we're just a couple of friendly Aussies.

Barbie, I know something's up.

You're way too invested in my love life and this guy's clearly not Australian.

Yep.

[normal voice] Okay.

My name's not Barbie and there's something you should know about Sabrina.

So I'm a master at the mambo, but I've never done the cha-cha.

What if I can't do the cha-cha?

Like, what if I get stage fright?

That sounds stressful.

Do you know what I do when I get stressed?

I go to my condo in South Padre Island.

Okay.

Not really sure how that applies to me.

The complex has two hot tubs and a dry sauna.

Let me show you this brochure.

Mm. Um...

That lying sleaze.

I can't believe he's using this party to sell timeshares.

Maybe he's just really excited about his investment.

No, this is so inappropriate.

I have to tell my mom.

That's not that much.

No.

By then, I'll have sold my consulting firm and moved on to a tech start-up, which really sets me up for my Senate run.

I have a 15-year plan too. Well, and a 30.

Really, it's never too early to start planning the next three decades of your life.

I couldn't agree more.

You know, Liam said we'd get along and he was right.

He did, did he?

Amy.

Listen, I've been thinking.

There's something that I need to talk to you about.

Can it just wait a minute?

Mom, Ron is selling timeshares to your friends and mine.

They're teenagers... Where are they gonna get that kind of money?

Darlin', he's just sharing a hot investment tip.

Shows how generous he is.

He wasn't good enough for you five years ago and he's not good enough for you now.

Perfect men do not grow on trees, Amy.

Mom, you're settling.

I know that you've given up hope that the right person is out there, and I get that.

I almost gave up hope too.

But if I did, then I wouldn't be with the right person now.

You're a teenager.

What do you know about finding the right one?

I know that you're getting conned.

And a leopard never changes his spots.

Oh.

[sighs]

I belong to 24 Hour Fitness but I really want to work out at Gold's Gym.

If I do, will I have to give up my membership to 24 Hour Fitness?

Oh, this is about what's going on with you and Noah, isn't it?

No!

Yes.

Shane, if you can't talk about it with me, why don't you talk about it with him?

That will be hard.

[sighs]

Okay, fine. You're right.

Does it look like I need you to pimp me out?

Excuse me?

You thought that if you set me up with a handsome Libertarian in no-pleat khakis, that I'd just sign off on all your sexcapades?

What is the problem? He likes you, you like him, and he meets your impossible list of must-haves.

Those weren't all my must-haves.

I need someone who can accept me for being different without treating me like I'm different.

Guys like that don't walk into your life every day.

♪ ♪
♪ Joy to the world ♪
♪ Joy ♪
♪ To the world ♪
♪ Joy to the world, yeah ♪
♪ Joy, joy ♪
♪ To the world ♪
♪ Joy to the world, yeah ♪

You okay?

I want to leave.

Then let's go.

Lauren, wait.

[sighs]

Can we please talk?

In private?

Whatever you got to say to her, say it right there.

Fine.

Lauren, I'm so sorry.

I swear, I didn't know I was coming here.

I just knew I was going to my girlfriend's work party.

I wasn't trying to throw her in your face.

Why would I care if you have a girlfriend?

After all, I'm here with my boyfriend, Liam.

That's right. [chuckles]

And we have four other parties to hit tonight, so, uh, we should get going, babe.

That's right, Boobear.

Nice seeing you.

Hey.

I've been looking all over for you.

I realized that I lost my phone.

I'm sorry.

I know that I got a little gushy back there with all that "right one" stuff.

I'm so embarrassed.

Can we forget it?

I don't want to forget about it.

'Cause I... I feel the same way.

You do?

Oh.

So what did you want to tell me earlier?

Just that...

I don't want to lose you.

Oh, me neither.

[sighs]

So can we... be girlfriends?

Yes, please.

That guy did not take it well.

Hope he doesn't jump off a bridge.

I'm sorry for doubting you. You were right this whole time.

Well, I wish I wasn't.

You must think I'm crazy with all of my wacky schemes.

No.

I don't think you're crazy.

I just think you work really hard to protect your best friend.

And...

I think I should be the one to tell Amy.

What? Why?

'Cause you two have been through so much this year and there's a very high probability she's gonna sh**t the messenger, so... let me be the messenger.

But won't that ruin your chances with Amy?

I think I'll be okay.

♪ Patterns, by Tourist ♪

♪ As plans unfold ♪

We should go.

Yeah.

Your bedroom.

Are you... Are you moving up our sex date?

You know, I've been thinking a lot about that and I realized I should be talking about it with you.

You know, we don't have to rush into this.

Phew. I was...

I was a little nervous.

You know, I've never done this before.

Oh, uh, that's cool.

I didn't... I didn't know that.

Man, I'm so glad we're being honest with each other.

Me too.

I was sort of spinning out about what sex with you means.

It's embarrassing, but I had this dumb idea that someone was gonna take away my gay card.

I'm a gay man, Shane.

If you don't see me as fully male, then maybe we shouldn't date.

No, no, no. W-we should.

I just... The words came out wrong.

I thought I was ready for this. I'm not.

Hey, but let's talk.

We just did.

Thanks for playing along in front of Theo.

I know how much you hate lying.

Yeah, well, I hate that guy more.

[phone buzzing]

Why do I have 2,000 notifications and why is the hashtag Booper blowing up?

Wait, what? What's happening?

Oh, my God.

One of the New Lisbeths posted that pic of us and now the whole Internet thinks we're a couple.

Damnit, New Lisbeths.

That's a... That's an easy fix.

Just tweet saying we're just friends.

Right.

Of course.

I'm gonna go get us some eggnog so we can toast our official new status.

Oh, nothing says "girlfriends" like milk and whipped eggs.

Amy, I thought about what you said and I can do better.

I asked Ron to leave.

It was inappropriate of him to drum up business at our party.

Well, I'm proud of you for moving on.

Oh, and I'm proud of how mature you're becoming.

You seem so content.

Sabrina really makes you happy, doesn't she?

Yeah, she does.

Oh. [giggles]

[sighs]

Amy. Amy.

Uh, there's something I have to tell you.

Uh, you're not gonna like this, but Sabrina isn't who she says she is.

Really?

I would've expected this from Karma but not from you.

Amy, please don't be mad at Felix.

It's true. We have proof.

Yeah, I didn't believe it at first either...

Okay. [door slams]

I don't want to hear this.

Sabrina?

Sabrina?

So you're a lesbian now?

Evan.

Who's this?

Her boyfriend.

Oh.

What?

You said you made him up.

I...

You've been lying this whole time? Why?

So she could get closer to you to push me out.

[crowd murmuring]

Is this true?

Technically, at first, but that's just because Karma was...

Get out.

You have to let me explain.

No! I don't want to listen to your lies and I never want to see you again.

But it was a mistake.

A leopard never changes her spots, remember?

I'm so sorry.

♪ ♪

Don't be.

You saved me.