01x11 - The Real Other Woman

[bunniefuu]

Kenny: Every since I came out, my mom and I have been having a hard time connecting.

Luckily, we have "Project Runway."

It's a place where she can be critical and I can be gay without her noticing.

That dress looks like a trash bag.

No, I think it is a trash bag.

This is the trash bag challenge.

Well, it looks like garbage.

Tim: That dress looks like garbage.

[Laughs]

Yeah, get over here.

That's right, Tim Gunn.

Kenny: Yep. "Runway" brought us together.

And then it tore us apart.

What's in the bag?

Mm, well, you know how last night, Tim Gunn said that mesh is the new black?

I think he called it "mesh-merizing."

The only reason to watch that show is to possibly get a flash of side booby when the models change.

No, Jimmy, it's great.

If you like to watch people sewing.

Well, they're crazy.

Crazy.

Anyway, I saw this cool mesh shirt at fashion junkie, and I was thinking, I've been wanting to update my look, you've been wanting me to get a part-time job...

No. You are not getting a job at fashion junkie.

They advertise with actual junkies.

Mom, I can buy things and you can critique them.

It'll be like "Runway" all the time!

That's the kind of thing I like on my television, but I don't want it in my home.

"That kind of thing"? What does that mean?

It means...

You're not a mesh-shirt kind of person.

That's a different kind of person. That's not you.

What she means is, I'm not that kind of gay person.

But what my mom didn't know was that I was currently wearing the shirt under the one I had on.

Are you currently wearing the shirt under the one you have on?

No.

I feel texture.

[Groans] Come on, Mom!

Kenny, if you want to take up sports, then you can wear mesh.

Yeah, Kenny, do something straight, like wrestle men in your underwear.

Then you can wear what you want.

[Chuckling] Yeah. Nice one!

Whoo!

[Chuckles]

"Nice"? What's nice?

Is something fun happening up here?

Mom won't let me wear a stylish shirt made of a controversial fabric.

Well, we could always go downstairs to Dad's house and talk about it over there, where I've been alone for the last 48 hours.

Not complaining.

Feel free. Door's always open.

Come on down and... You know...

Just check and see if I've choked.

My mom thinks she knows what kind of gay person I am, but how could she?

I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

I'm still trying to figure out that shirt.

Tim Gunn, I thought you said mesh was the new black.

In this case, mesh is the new bleccch!

[Knock on door]

Eileen: Kenny?

Come in!

Kenny, I've been thinking a lot about this whole mesh thing, and...

I realize I may not have come off the way I intended.

Thank you, Mom. I... sometimes...

You're also forbidden to wear leather, pleather, silks, lamés, or anything with flowers on it.

And it goes without saying, obviously, nothing from Zara.

Mom, I'm gay. I'm not European.

I appreciate you wanting to make money, so I made a list of acceptable jobs.

You can oil pews at the church, wash father Phil's car, work at a Catholic senior-living facility.

Is there anything that doesn't involve me washing church things and/or old people?

[Chuckles]

Tutoring. Okay, yeah. No, I'll do that.

Great!

Take it off.

Seriously?! Through an inch and a half of Terry Cloth?!

Pat: Hey, guys, come down to my basement!

I got a fun surprise for ya!

Ugh. No.

Dad's trying to have fun with us in the basement again.

I wish you'd stop misusing the word "fun."

Hey, guys! Who wants to have fun k*lling a spider?

Hey, guys, who wants to do a fun puzzle?

Hey, guys, who wants to come see my fun new popcorn machine?

[Microwave dings]

It's like when the dentist gives you free floss.

Just give it up, man. We know it sucks.

[Chuckles]

[Dog barking]

Oh, my God. Dad got a dog.

[Barking continues]

Meet the newest member of our family.

Mom says we're not allowed to have a dog in the house.

Well, since we're getting a divorce, the basement is technically my house, and I make the rules, so he's allowed down here.

And so are you.

Can we name him Brad?

Yeah, if that's what you want.

That is literally the only thing that I want.

Okay.

Where did you find him?

He's a police dog.

Remember that suspicious package downtown last Christmas that turned out to be a bag of apples?

All sergeant Hoffman... or Brad.

Classic Brad. [Laughs]

[Chuckles]

Yes, I'm still wearing the tie.

First day on the job. Dress to impress.

Stand up straight, shoulders back.

Look them in the eye, firm handshake.

Oh, and there's some matches in your bag in case a number two pops out.

Okay. I got to go. I'm gonna be late.

Don't worry. Time is just a construct.

True.

Uh, hi. I'm Kenny. Uh, I'm the tutor.

I'm here for Jonathan.

Oh, it's Yonathan.

Are you "yoking"? [Chuckles]

You're not. I'm sorry.

He's inside. I'm his mom... Sandra.

Come in.

Okay.

Kick off your shoes.

We go barefoot in our house.

Really?

I've never... Seen my mom's feet before.

And feel free to take off your tie.

You look like a tiny accountant.

[Chuckling] You're so fun!

You're so fun!

We should've gotten a tutor earlier.

Right? [Laughs]

No, I'm serious. Yonathan's really struggling.

Okay.

So, the kid I'm tutoring, he's gonna need a lot more help.

He's more of a tactile, visual learner.

Mm. So he's dumb?

Um, Sandra says he is intellectually free-spirited.

Sandra sounds dumb, too. Who is she?

Uh, she's the mom.

And she's not dumb. She's actually really smart.

She was teaching me all about gut bacteria.

Oh, do tell.

Well, I can't explain it as well as Sandra, but basically, we should be buying probiotic yogurt.

You know that yogurt stuff is a scam.

It's like pressed juice and chiropractors.

And we don't call adults by their first names.

Mom, Sandra's house is just different.

They discuss ideas.

She asks you about yourself and waits until you've finished talking... sounds amazing.

I'm just saying, she is very in tune with her family and surroundings.

So am I.

Did we get a dog?

[Laughs] Don't be ridiculous.

I don't want it in the kitchen, I don't want it on the couch.

I am not walking it or clipping its nails or brushing its fur.

Don't worry, Eileen. You will not have to do anything.

This is gonna be my responsibility.

Last time you said that, we had a shotgun wedding.

Well, buzzkill's gone, guys. Let's have some fun, huh?

[Chuckling] Hey!

[Groans]

Is Brad a fun dog?

Jimmy, go get that for me, will ya?

Got it.

You do realize you're just playing fetch with Jimmy?

[Chuckling] No, I'm not.

Come on. He's gonna be fine.

You're gonna get it this time, right, buddy?

Ready? Go get it!

[Groans]

[Sighs] I'll go talk to Brad.

Do you see what's happening here?

Dad got the dog because he's desperate to spend more time with us.

Oh, wow.

That's a bummer.

Maybe he's doing it 'cause he's lonely and he lives in the basement.

I will slap you.

Don't you dare let your stupid compassion screw this up for us, Jimmy.

The only upside of divorce is that parents try to win you over.

What's something you've always wanted from Dad?

A cross-country trip in an R.V.

Where we share our hopes and dreams and sing cowboy songs.

Get your head in the game, man. Think bigger.

Like, I always wanted to use the computer in Dad's cop car so I could look up the records of my teachers and blackmail them.

[Chuckles]

I've always wanted to drive his cop car, make the sirens go "whoo-whoo."

Good boy.

Yes!

Great job, Yonathan.

[Both chuckle]

Mom, if it's cool, I'm gonna go facetime my girlfriend now.

Just remember to close your door so you have some privacy.

[Sighs] God.

That is just so different from my mom.

I mean, she thinks God is always watching, so it's okay if she does, too.

What about you, Kenny?

Smart, cute boy like you must be dating someone.

Me? Oh, God. No.

No, no-no-no-no.

Really? No cute boys at your school?

Is it that obvious?

I think that coming out is one of the bravest things a person can do.

That and composting.

[Laughs]

Okay, you were serious again.

How'd you like to stay for dinner?

I made a risotto with fava beans and pea sh**t and an heirloom tomato confit.

Wow, I don't know what any of that means, but it sounds delicious. [Chuckles]

But, uh, but I can't. My mom is expecting me home.

[Cellphone rings]

God, it's like she can hear us talking about new food she doesn't understand.

[Cellphone beeps]

Hello?

Are you on your way? I'm making your favorite.

[Clunking]

Costco meatballs.

[Clunking]

Yeah. No, no, no, I can hear.

Um [Clears throat] they sound delicious.

Come on home.

We can watch "Project Runway" and have a glass of milk.

[Clatter]

You know what, Mom?

I think I'm gonna be here for a while.

Oh. Okay.

I'll save you a meatball.

[Cellphone beeps]

Maybe it was because Sandra was new and exciting, or maybe I was sick and tired of the same old milk and meatballs.

All I know is that I just cheated on my mom.

You're late.

Daah!

You scared me.

I thought you'd be asleep.

I couldn't sleep.

Also, it's 8:30.

I thought we were going to eat dinner and watch "Project Runway."

I know. Me too.

But I-I couldn't leave while Yonathan was struggling with fractions.

I mean, you were right... that kid is dumb.

What's that on your collar?

Tomato?

[High-pitched] Lipstick! I'm gay!

I'm not an idiot, Kenny.

Did Sandra make you dinner?

[Brad panting]

[Brad growls]

N-no.

No. Not at all. Wasn't dinner.

It was just a very light snack.

And it didn't mean anything.

Wow! These meatballs look delicious.

You know what I like.

[Chuckles]

Mmm!

You know what... I'm gonna...

I'm just gonna top this off.

[Cellphone vibrates]

We've got a problem here, Brad.

Pat: Okay, so, if your turn signal is out, there is a variety of hand signals that you can use.

Pointing to the left means you're turning...

Left.

Pointing up means you're turning...

Right.

What is the hand signal for falling asleep?

I don't think... hey, this was your idea, not mine, okay?

Yeah, but when we said we wanted to ride in the cop car, we didn't want a driving lesson.

We wanted to see you be awesome.

What do you want us to tell our kids?

"Papa taught us how to parallel-park" or "papa taught us how to live"?

You want to live?

[Engine starts]

Fine. Let's live.

That's what I'm talking abo...

[Tires squeal]

Aah!

Aaaaaaaah!

[Doorbell rings]

Hi, Eileen. I'm Sandra.

I know who you are.

And it's "Mrs. O'Neal."

Hi, Sandra.

Hi, sweetheart.

Please come in. [Chuckles nervously]

Can she come in?

Mm-hmm.

So, what brings you here?

Well, Kenny left his socks at my house last night, so I figured I'd return them, and I got inspired to get some that were a little bit more fun to thank him for helping with my Yonny.

[Gasps]

Wow! Sandra!

Toe socks!

It's like each toe has a little hat.

I know!

[Chuckles] Thank you!

Oh, sure.

[Chuckling nervously]

So, Kenny's been telling me about some of the difficulties your son has had with his brain.

And Kenny's expressed to me a little bit about the difficulties the two of you have had since he came out.

Oh! You've talked to her about our family?

We were in a real sharing space last night while we were watching "Project Runway."

And you two watched "Project Runway" together.

No.

It was just on in the background as we ate risott... Ohhhh.

You ate her rice?

Actually, quick side note...

Risotto is made with rice from the Arborio region, and it has so much starch in it that it's almost more like a pasta.

Shut up, Sandra! Shut the [Bleep] up!

You know, something that was helpful for me when my family was having problems was my church.

First Unitarian. It's very open-minded.

There's a joy mass tonight, with lots of people singing and dancing.

Mm.

Well, I sat through "Godspell" once.

I don't think I'm gonna do it again.

[Laughs]

I think we'll just stick with our religion that wasn't founded last Thursday.

Well... Think about it.

It's open 24 hours so that homeless people and sex workers have a place to sleep.

[Door thuds]

Wow.

She looks so much older in person.

Wait, what? How would you know what she looks like?

I saw a picture of her with her dirty vegetables on your phone.

You went through my phone?

That is unbelievable!

Well... Technically, that is my phone.

Just like your belly is technically my belly, even if some other mother wants to fill it full of her extra-starchy rice!

Whoo!

Yeah! [Laughs]

Yeah! Whoo!

[Tires screech]

Yeah!

Whoo!

Yeah, Dad!

Whoo!

[Sighs]

♪ Come on, waste of all my precious time ♪
♪ Your sweet smile's always on my mind ♪

Mrs. O'Malley has two D.U.I.S?

[Chuckles] Hello, "A" in history.

♪ Come on, waste of all my precious time ♪
♪ Your sweet smile's always on my mind ♪
♪ Won't you be my sunshine? ♪

Aaaaaah!

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay!

♪ Won't you be my sunshine? ♪

Yeah! Tokyo drift, bitch!

That's why you hang with Dad, huh?

Best day ever!

All right, let's wrap it up, take this party back to my basement.

Wait. Just one more thing.

Backwards high-speed chase.

[Groans]

[Tires screech]

Jimmy, no, no, no! You're heading towards a...

[Air hisses]

The grandkids are gonna love this story, papa.

Now, when they get to the final runway show, we have to rank them and see if our choices match up with the judges'.

But they're all so talented. Everyone should get an "A."

Like I said, we have to wait.

Everyone's a winner!

Oh, yeah... more popcorn.

[Bowl thuds]

I decided to give you another chance to come down and watch "Project Runway" with me.

Jodi keeps calling it "runaways."

It's driving me crazy.

Where are you going?

Sandra's church.

You absolutely are not!

Afterward, Sandra and I might watch another "runway."

Maybe even "runway all stars."

You don't mean that.

Oh, I absolutely do!

I can see how a mom like Sandra could lure you in, with her rainbow toe socks and that smile she throws around like a w*apon.

That is not what it is.

She accepts me. She accepts mesh.

She accepts all of it.

I do better than accept you.

I protect you from going out into the world and being judged by people based on some ridiculous thing you're wearing.

I don't have to go out into the world.

I'm getting plenty of judgment right here at home.

As Heidi Klum would say, bon voyage.

[Chuckles]

Brad, please get off the couch.

Brad.

[Groans]

Thank you.

Are divorced people allowed to give each other parenting advice?

[Sighs] I just let my kids trash a cop car, and then to punish them, I took them out for froyo.

Well, that's nothing.

Kenny went to church with another mom.

Catholic?

Unitarian.

Whoa.

He says it's because I don't accept him.

[Chuckling] You don't.

Wha...

I accept most of him.

Well, kids always come back to their moms.

It's the dads that have to worry.

I mean, I live 10 stairs away from them, and they barely come to visit.

What's gonna happen when I move out?

That depends.

Is your new house gonna smell like dog poo?

[Sighs]

I keep looking for it, but I cannot find it.

Well, just get the kids down here and have them look for it.

They're not gonna want to do that.

Just tell them what you want them to do, and eventually, they'll get on board.

You need to take a firmer hand.

Well, maybe I am too soft on them, but when it comes to Kenny, I think you're a little bit too hard.

It's in your shoe.

[Grunts]

[Panting]

[Indistinct conversations, music plays]

Well, this is... new.

Yeah, super-new and super-casual.

Got jeans under my robe.

Wow, Jesus. Boyfriend jeans.

Yeah. Borrowed them from St. Peter.

[Chuckles]

So, uh, you feeling guilty about something?

No, I'm not guilty.

If Mom can't accept me for who I am, then I'm just gonna be with people who can.

Can't argue with that.

Kenny. You made it.

[Chuckles]

Come in.

Uh, is this a "bring your own tambourine" situation, or...

Oh, no. They're provided.

Oh.

Hi. Joy to you.

I'd like to introduce you to Kenny.

He's our newest member.

Hi. Hello. Okay.

Uh, joy to everyone.

Joy to you.

O... Kay.

Welcome. Welcome.

[Chuckles]

Oh. Okay.

Ohh! So many hugs.

[Chuckles]

Mom.

Eileen. Hi.

Joy to you.

Uh-huh.

Hello, Kenny.

Um, Mom, uh, what are you doing here?

Well... [Sighs]

Another woman isn't gonna bring my son to church.

If this is where you want to be...

[Chuckles]

I want to be here for you.

Ohhhh... Boy.

[Inhales sharply] Okay.

Hi!

[Bell ringing]

Sisters and brothers, let us bow our heads and pray.

That, I can do.

To whom it may concern...

No. I'm out. I'm sorry.

Kenny, this is not a church.

This is a bus station in Weirdoville.

I can't do this.

All these jeans. What is this, a mall?

Is that guy hacky-sacking?

But ultimately, we must figure out...

Hey!

I can't believe she left.

I can't believe she came.

Okay, Dad, where are you taking us? Bowling?

Ooh! Ooh! The Bahamas?

Nope. We're gonna stay right here and play with your dog.

But... We don't want to do that.

I don't care.

Now, teach Brad how to fetch.

I know you can do it.

Dad, it doesn't fetch. Okay?

It doesn't do anything.

This plan is a huge b*mb.

Whoa! Look at him go!

A b*mb!

He was on the b*mb squad.

Oh, my God. Look how happy he is!

Come here!

Who got the b*mb, huh? Yeah, you got the b*mb!

Jimmy, let's see what else he can do.

Pretend you're attacking me.

No, no! Don't do that. He will literally k*ll you.

He is trained to find dr*gs, though.

Find the dr*gs.

Who's got the dope? Who's got the dope?

[Barking]

He's making a beeline for next door.

Oh, my...

Mrs. Novich has glaucoma!

[Glass shatters]

Brad!

I can't tell... is that a dress or an oil spill?

It's definitely a natural disaster.

So, how was the rest of church?

I don't know. I, uh, left a little after you, actually.

You did? Why?

Was it the tambourines or the white people with dreadlocks?

It was...

Neither of those things.

[Sighs]

It just didn't feel right.

You know? It wasn't mine.

Maybe my mom doesn't fully accept me now, but at least she's proved she's willing to start taking baby steps.

Maybe you do look good in mesh.

Oh, God. No, Mom. Mesh is not my thing.

You were very right.

Oh, thank God. Because I didn't mean it.

I also cleaned out everything in your closet that wasn't Navy or tan.

I'm sorry, but this is a process.

Okay, thank you for letting me take another cr*ck at this.

Now, this is just the one that shows my arms.

See? It's just a whisper of mesh.

What do you think?

Honestly...

It looks like your arms are two pale eels trying to escape a Fisherman's net.

Tim Gunn, what do you think?

Well, it definitely makes a statement.

And the statement is, "my gym membership has lapsed."

Okay.