04x18 - Bernardo and Anita

[bunniefuu]

Blind dates are so much fun.

So much mystery.

You were no mystery at all.

When I looked you up online, there were lots of pictures.

Mm-hmm.

Most were from a... Botox testimonial.

Mm. Not the face kind.

The armpit sweating kind. Best thing I ever did.

Ten years ago, no way I could've worn this dress.

Just dripping sweat.

You know, it's funny.

You're the first Indian guy I've ever gone on a date with.

[laughs]

No, I'm serious.

I don't think I know any Indian people, except my family.

Oh, does West Indian count?

'Cause I was in a steel drum band for a while.

That's kind of strange, don't you think?

I know. A 30-year-old woman, single, in a steel drum band.

Yeah, it was weird.

No, I mean that you don't know any Indian people.

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, do you hang out with a lot of Indian people?

Yeah, actually.

I was in an Indian fraternity at Berkeley, I go to temple once a month, and I came in second in the national spelling bee.

I lost on "xanthosis."

I also lost a spelling bee... when I misspelled my last name on the entry form.

I guess I just identify culturally as Indian.

You know, because I am one.

Oh, me too.

I identify as Indian too. Big time.

What part of India are your parents from?

I want to say there's, like, a river there... and some tigers?

Don't quote me on that.

And this, on the right, is where the magic happens.

Actually, Criss Angel sublets one of the apartments upstairs.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay. Huh.

Um... oh...

Oh.

I...

Sorry. You were supposed to catch me with your lips.

I'm sorry. I just don't really see this going anywhere.

I did. I only had five garlic knots at dinner 'cause I thought we were gonna make out.

I mean, yeah, I brought home a bag with me, but still...

Look. Being Indian is a really important part of my life... more than CrossFit, even... and I need it to be important to the person I date.

Are you saying I'm not Indian enough for you?

Mindy, I think you're really nice.

Scratch that. I think you're really uninhibited.

But I don't think I can date a...

Pescatarian? I made that all up.

I hate fish. I eat meat all the time.

No, I don't think I can date a coconut.

Is it because I'm covered in tiny hairs and I fall out of trees? That's mean.

No. Because you're brown on the outside and white on the inside.

I got to go.

[hip-hop music]

Night, pal.

He's already asleep. Can you believe that?

Hey, were you chewing gum around him?

The other day, Leo was like, "Dada, gum, gum."

Nah, that's probably just like baby babble.

Yeah. Um... I just want to ask you a question.

I want to take Leo with me on a trip this summer... to Italy.

For how long?

Just a week.

A week is the longest that I've ever been away from him.

I know. I just... I want him to see where he came from.

I tracked down some third cousins.

And Mindy, they work in a Parmesan factory.

A Parmesan factory. Min...

Parmesan cheese is my favorite cheese.

I thought you liked Brie.

I... yeah. Look, it's still a really worthwhile trip.

He's very young to be exposed to those naked statues.

He already has the perv gene.

I got him a passport already.

Would you look at this guy?

What a handsome boy.

I just want his first stamp to be Italy.

Please?

Okay. Yes, he can go.

Thank you. That is great.

I'm really happy about this.

But I need to Skype with him every single day.

Of course.

And I want one of those photos where it looks like he's holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Jody, let me ask you something.

Obviously, I have the ass of a Dominican and the giant jugs of a Jewish girl.

But you think of me as Indian, right?

Honestly, I think of you as a white man, largely because of your entitlement.

What?

Mm-hm.

Oh...

Damn it.

Oh, I meant it as a compliment.

Oh!

Oh.

Chelsea!

Oh...

We slept together, and I... I cried...

Okay...

Before and afterwards.

Yeah, yeah. Mindy's coworker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-huh.

She promised you wouldn't be here.

She said that?

You left a permanently Grey body shape in my bedsheet.

I was real sick when we had sex.

That's... comforting.

I'm better now.

All right.

[stammering] Go, go.

I'll see you in a little bit. See you in a little bit.

You have really beautiful eyes.

That left one in particular is... it's a great eye.

What an unnerving way to talk to a stranger.

Morgan Tookers.

I'm Ashley.

Hi.

Your hand is sticky.

I had some chocolate and it melted, and I licked it.

It's not... urine.

Ashley, could I have your phone number?

You know, I'm... a little too busy for dating right now.

This would be a very fast date.

Yeah.

Like... like ten minutes.

That's all I can afford!

Okay. I'm gonna give you my email.

I'm gonna give you my work email.

Hold on. Here you go. Here, here, here, look at that.

You write down some way of getting in touch with you, and I will find you.

Okay.

I will find you, and I will k*ll you.

It's from "Taken." It's from "Taken."

Here you go.

I'm gonna go email you.

A lot.

Right now.

Okay.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh...

Oh, please, don't be.

My word.

What is your name?

I'm Ashley.

I'm charmed. Jody.

Do you want to go talk somewhere?

Yes, I do.

[elevator bell dings]

Hey, Rishi, we're both super Indian, right?

Nah. You think you're white, and I think I'm black.

We skipped over that whole steez.

Hey! How is that possible?

Mom and Dad are super Indian.

I mean, they have a servant who they're mean to.

'Cause we were brats.

I mean, it's not our fault.

We grew up in the whitest place on the planet, suburban Boston.

Well, that may be true for you, but not for me.

I'm not just some white guy trapped in the body of an Indian model.

We represent a new kind of Indian-American... ones with literally zero roots to our past.

[paper rustles]

Your bear claws.

Thank you.

Hey, Neel! Don't hang up.

When I said I didn't see this going anywhere, that meant I am not interested in you.

I don't wanna date... I just wanna prove I'm not a coconut.

Look, I don't have a lot of Indian people in my life, but I haven't denied my roots... I'm Indian.

All right, look. I was gonna run some errands after work.

If you really want to talk, I guess you can tag along to the department store while I get a humidifier.

Yes. I would love that. That would be great.

And while I'm there, I can pick up one of those Soda Stream things.

I find that traditional canned soda doesn't contain the amount of sugar that I like, so...

Hello?

H... Neel? Okay.

That was such a nice date. It's rare to find a real gentleman in New York.

Well, it's rare to find a lady, too.

Usually, if I open a door for a woman, I'm accused of being an enemy of feminism.

I had a really nice night.

And to think it's just getting started.

There's something that I have to tell you about me.

I'm saving myself for marriage.

Oh. So, you never...

I'm just old-fashioned in all sorts of ways.

Oh.

I even have a landline.

You could come in and make a call.

Oh, well, uh... it has been a nice evening, but I have to work in the morning, and I'm sure you have several layers of flannel nightgown to put on, so...

Okay. It's not the first time I've had that reaction.

It's just once I get my engine going, there's a certain momentum.

We're good.

[door closes]

Neel, I am also a child of immigrants.

Just because I was blonde for several years and I insisted on having a bat mitzvah, that does not mean that I am not as Indian as you.

Okay, have you ever been to India?

What? Get eaten by a snake? No way.

Hey, there. I'm Linda.

Do you and your husband need a basket?

Oh, we're not married.

We don't even know each other very well.

That's too bad!

You would make a beautiful family.

Thanks, Linda.

Thanks.

Why do white people love seeing people of other races date within their race so much?

I think it's because it's segregation that they can feel good about.

They're like, "See, they wanted it."

"Isn't this easier for everyone?"

[Mindy laughs]

It's not really your fault.

Your parents assimilated so completely, you've abandoned your heritage.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, pal.

Immigrants are supposed to assimilate, all right?

Like Barack Obama when he came from Kenya.

Or Ted Cruz when he came from Canada.

[laughs] When my parents came here, they made sure we lived in a town with a large Indian population where we could keep our traditions alive.

Oh, my God. This is like "West Side Story."

You are Bernardo. I'm Anita.

You're like, "I hate this country. The women are loose, and the gringos are mean to us."

And I'm like, "I love this country. Let's turn up the A/C, and let's dance."

[laughs]

Yeah, well, you should consider yourself lucky.

When you're Anita, white dudes love you, but when you're Bernardo, they s*ab you in the street.

Remember Officer Krupke?

He hated Bernardo.

Okay, relax. No cop has ever, ever arrested an Indian man.

Well, congrats.

You just made your first Indian friend.

Hey, my friends Anisha and Ravi are having a dinner this week.

You should come.

There will be some cool Indian people there.

All Indian people. Okay.

Like AP Calculus. I'm in!

[humming]

Hey!

Oh, dear God.

Sorry.

Well, don't you look like the cat who ate the canary?

I got myself a little thing called a date.

Ah.

That cute girl Ashley from the party... it's on.

I emailed her like 50 times until she just gave up.

Let me save you some trouble.

Stay away. She wants to remain a virgin till marriage.

She's a virgin?

Yeah.

You know what, she's a pretty girl who likes me, and that happens very rarely.

Well, do what you like. But it'll never work.

A man has certain needs.

I'm not an animal.

You like to eat out of the trash.

Sometimes I see food in the trash that I want to eat and I take it out, and I put it on the table and eat it.

Or I'll eat it off the floor.

Like an animal.

Okay, how many animals you know wear scrubs?

One.

You know what?

I believe in a little thing called love.

And it's not about sex. It's about love.

Whew. I've never had the moral high ground before.

It's kind of... making me a little dizzy. [laughs]

[thud] [objects clattering]

Oh, dear God.

Oh, God.

[objects clattering]

Oh... oh!

Hello. Good morning. I have an erotic announcement.

I told you. We're not doing those anymore.

If he gets to, I get to, and mine's a doozy.

I went out with Ashley again last night.

We had some pretty hot one-on-one abstinence.

All right, Morgan. You can stop the charade.

You've made your point.

It's just that celibacy really agrees with me.

It keeps me centered. It keeps me grounded.

All the goo that's kind of just been building up inside of me... it helps me focus.

I think it's thoughtful of Morgan not to have sex with this woman.

Thank you, Tamra.

Especially considering sex with Morgan is not that b*mb of an experience.

Hey, Morgan, I know that we agreed to let you have a life outside of serving me. However, I need you to babysit my son tonight.

Yes, I can do that, my queen.

Jody, will you come with me to a dinner party tonight?

There is going to be a lot of Indian people there, and I cannot be the whitest person.

Will there be non-Indian food available?

No. And it's probably gonna make you real sick.

I could eat before.

I explicitly told you not to bring alcohol to this.

I don't know if they're Muslim or my kind of Indian.

What's your kind?

I don't know. The kind that gets crazy and turnt up.

Oh, hey, you must be Mindy! Come on in.

Hi. Ravi, come here.

Ooh, I love your kurta.

Oh, thanks.

You are dressed regular.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hello. I'm Jody.

I brought this. I'm sorry.

Thank you. Dalmore whiskey. This stuff is dope.

Nish, this is what they serve at that new bottle keep in Bushwick.

Oh, God, babe, don't bore them with your dumb hipster stories.

I had to stop bringing this guy to SoulCycle because he would not stop talking about getting butter coffee afterwards.

So good.

That's from both of us.

Thank you.

[laughter]

My parents were so excited when I brought home Anisha.

All the girls he dated before me were Hispanic, so...

[scattered laughs]

As you know, there is no racism as strong as Asian on other minority racism.

Oh, my God. Yes. The race pyramid.

Japanese on the top, of course.

And at the bottom is...

You know what? I'll just Tweet about it later, but...

[laughter]

We met in grad school.

Anand was doing his PhD in physics.

My parents freaked out when they found out we were living together.

I was 32. [chuckles, murmurs]

Oh, please. I have a baby, and I'm not married.

My parents are not happy about that.

[all laugh]

Well, to be fair, I think parents of any race find that shameful.

[chuckles] So...

That reminds me... my mom texted me earlier.

I should text her back.

All: Oh, my gosh, me too.

sh**t, me too.

Yep. "Where are you? Are you safe?"

[phones dinging] [laughter]

[accent] "I hope Anand isn't drinking. I noticed he had two beers last time I saw him."

[laughter]

My tailor's Indian.

[imitating Indian accent] "Oh, Mr. Jody, your 42 long will be ready this Thursday."

[whispers]

Hmm?

[whispering] Don't do that. Don't do that.

Well, they were all doing it...

It's not the same.

[whispers] It's not the same.

Oh.

Oh.

Hey.

Your son is so cute.

She's actually a girl. Parvati.

We just shaved her hair off a few days ago.

Was she bad? I hearing about new punishments.

No. For her Mundan ceremony.

Hindu babies do it at one year old to shed their past lives and to move into their future.

It's like when I tore out my ratchet extensions to say good-bye to my skanky 20s.

You should do one for Leo.

Oh, I don't think so. My ex is pretty Catholic.

He says a whole rosary whenever the Pope gets on a plane.

Why can't you do both traditions and see which one he likes better?

Will it be the guilt-based Christian denomination where you have to sit for an hour for a sip of wine, or the awesome Indian one where you literally get to ride a horse into your wedding?

Anisha, that is so sneaky.

I love it.

Thank you for walking me home.

It was actually kind of cool hanging out with those Indian people.

I guess immigration isn't all bad.

Last time I was the only white person in the room was the theater where I saw "Madea's Family Reunion."

That is a very talented actress.

You know, I was actually thinking that I would have a Mundan ceremony for Leo.

Oh, I'm glad. It's important for a boy to be exposed to his heritage.

[woman moaning]

Is that a woman?

Oh, my God.

Did Leo bring home a girl?

[moaning escalates]

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Ohhhhhhh...

Oh, my God!

Oh, God!

Morgan, are you having sex?

With Chelsea?

Oh.

Oh, God.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. It's not what you think.

[toy moos]

On Moo-Cow? Oh, my God, you're dead.

No, no...

Stop it!

You are dead!

I should go.

No, no, don't go!

Don't go. Don't...

Morgan, as usual, this never happened.

I'll see you at yoga. [undertone] I hate myself.

I love you so much. I'm gonna call you.

This is the most disgusting thing that has ever happened on my sofa.

What did I tell you, Morgan?

Men have certain needs, don't they?

Dating a virgin is... just it's very tough.

My penis got lonely, and it reached out and it found... a warm...

Okay, we know what it found, okay?

Well, now, you're gonna have to tell Ashley that it's over.

Actually, I don't. I've thought about this, and I'm gonna do the honorable thing and ghost.

No. No, you're not. It's true, all men are animals, but some can be gentlemen.

You're gonna come clean to this girl, and you need to to make your penis flaccid when you're talking to me.

Oh, crap.

No!

Morgan? Jody?

Hello, Ashley. Morgan has something he'd like to say to you.

Ashley, I've joined the army to go fight !sis.

Aah! Aah! Okay. All right. Fine.

I slept with my boss's baby's father's neighbor.

What?

Morgan, I thought you were different.

I was willing to look past all the rashes, all the ingrown hairs...

You're just like everybody else.

Listen, you and I can hold hands and we can talk and canoodle and kiss... and I'll have sex with her.

No. Just go.

And don't you dare look through my dumpster on the way out.

Ashley, I'd like to say a few words.

What?

It will come as no surprise to you that men are scum. It's true.

But it doesn't mean we can't try to be a little better.

A dirty old tree can reach its branches upwards for a hundred years and never touch the sun.

But it means something that it tries to.

I'm sorry we bothered you.

[cans clattering]

It's so nice that you're here to join me for the Mundan ceremony.

Ramesh the priest will be performing the ceremony.

Just met him a couple minutes ago.

But he's a really cool guy, and he is the highest-rated Hindu priest on Yelp.

Ooh!

Oh, a few questions. Tell us some things about the ceremony.

The more detail, the better.

Okay. Ramesh, take it away.

I only speak Hindi.

I'm sorry. Ramesh, you only speak Hindi?

Okay, you just lost a star from me.

I'll look it up.

According to Hinduism, hair from birth is associated with undesirable remnants of past lives.

Leo had a past life?

Who was he? Was he a cat? 'Cause I'm allergic.

He obviously was not a cat.

Mindy, why don't you explain what the ceremony means to you?

Look, guys, I just don't want my kid to learn how to be Indian from a Bombay Palace menu on my fridge, okay?

So, please, enough questions, and can we start this beautiful cleansing ceremony?

Let's do it.

Okay.

My man.

Thanks, Mom.

Hi, sweetheart. Hi, baby.

[chanting in Hindi]

[continues chanting]

[crying]

[continues chanting]

[continues chanting]

[Leo continues crying]

Is this okay?

I'm not sure this is legal.

Yeah.

[continues chanting]

[crying]

Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nay... Don't...

It's okay, baby. It's okay.

Dr. L, you know I am no fan of Leo, but this is too much, even for me.

Shut up, Morgan. It's important.

It's okay to hurt babies if it's for a religion.

This is bad. I'm having flashbacks.

Nah... agh... that thing could...

Okay, you know what, that's all right, that's all right.

We don't need to do this anymore.

This is over. I'm really sorry that this ceremony was such a disaster.

It's okay. I'm gonna go.

Thanks so much, guys. Sorry.

No, no, no, I think she's right, but party's not over.

Party's not over. Hey-oh!

Ceremony's still going on. Hey!

See? Still happening.

Ugh! All right.

A little bit off the top, maybe, right there.

And then we'll do a little faux-hawk.

Leo's [murmurs] but he's fine.

He's playing in his crib.

I tried to do this nice Indian thing I didn't understand, and everybody knew, and now my son hates it, and he looks insane.

Neel was right. I'm a coconut.

What is a coconut?

Brown on the outside, white on the inside.

That's actually kind of clever.

Cadbury Egg would also work.

I'm jealous how proud other people are of their heritage.

Look at the Puerto Ricans and the Irish.

I want to get drunk and have a parade and b*at people up.

It was our decision to raise you to be American.

We love America. That's why we came here.

♪ You're a grand old flag ♪
♪ You're a high-flying flag ♪

Ah-ah-ah...

Please, Sonu, please.

Mindy, I'm very happy you want to be more Indian.

We weren't sure that you would ever want that.

Well, it's too late. I don't understand it.

My son hates it.

Just because the baby cried?

The baby always cries.

Listen, we're still traumatized from when we did it to you.

You used the F word, and everybody gasped.

Ha! When we shaved your brother's head, you freaked out and bit the priest to protect him.

I did that?

Yeah, well, that was the last nice thing you ever did for me.

Hey. I paid for your college education.

To Stanford. It's not even a top-100 party school.

You make us so proud every day.

If that isn't Indian, I don't know what is.

I love my Indian family.

Love you. Love you.

Sweetheart.

Hold up.

The doctor gets all the love, but what about the receptionist/mixtape DJ?

Come here. Come here.

You get nothing.

You don't deserve anything.

Come here, baby.

I'm comin' in!

Oh!

His name is Leo, like DiCaprio.

Oh, what happened?

Oh, uh... this.

My son bit me...

Ah.

When we were shaving his head.

And he actually kicked me in the breast, which is why they look so swollen right now.

I don't even think he's gonna remember any of this.

Well, we will, and we'll all be able to tell him.

And, for the record, I no longer think of you as a white man.

I think of you as an Indian man.

[laughs] Thanks, Jody.

[phone buzzes]

Pardon me.

Winky face.

Mindy!

Where the hell is Leo's hair? Where'd it go?

Well, if we're gonna go down that path, where the hell is his foreskin?

It's in a locket around Ma's neck with mine.

You know that.

We both decided circumcision would be fine.

No. You decided that. And I went along with it because I didn't have a strong opinion, and you are obsessed with circumcised penises.

Obsessed?

Me... I think all penises are great: cut, uncut, long, thick, black...

Okay, stop talking about penises.

But I do have a strong opinion about this.

I invited you to the ceremony. Why didn't you come?

The ceremony? I thought it was a four-hour Indian dinner with your parents.

I mean, every other week it's, like, something else: snake festival, the elephant this or that.

Because Catholics are totally normal.

I know that our son is half-white, but he is also half-Indian.

And just because I wasn't raised to think about that stuff that much doesn't mean that he shouldn't.

I mean, maybe he'll want to grow up and be some Guido who only dates Puerto Rican girls, and I will support that, Danny.

But isn't it up to me to show him the Indian stuff too?

I mean, I'm his mom.

[sighs]

Okay.

Okay?

You made good points.

I made good points?

Out of all the stuff I'm worried about you passing down to Leo, being Indian is not one of them, okay?

Diabetes, sure.

[softly] Yeah.

Pathological superficiality, definitely.

But not Indian.

Thank you for being so understanding.

And I should've asked you before I shaved his head.

I'm glad we had this talk. Thank you. You look pretty.

Speaking of which, I kept his hair in a little baggy for you.

Little Castellano curls.

Yeah?

I need you to drop them in a river in India.

What?

Yeah, the dad is supposed to do it.

You know what you could do on your way back from Italy?

Just drop by the Ganges.

Just drop by the Ganges?

Yeah.

It's not that easy. And I'll have my third cousins with me.

We can't just all drop by the Ganges.

They can go.

["West Side Story's 'America' plays]

women: ♪ Life can be bright in America ♪

men: ♪ If you can fight in America ♪

women: ♪ Life is all right in America ♪

men: ♪ If you're all white in America ♪

♪ ♪

[crowd yelling]

[crowd whooping]

[whooping continues]

["America" continues playing]

♪ ♪

all: Olé!