04x03 - The Field Trip

Episode transcripts for the 2013 TV show "Maron". Aired May 3, 2013 - July 13, 2016.*
Watch/Buy Amazon


Marc Maron has been a comedian for 25 years. He's had his problems. He was an angry, drunk, self involved, twice divorced compulsive mess for most of his adult life, but with the popularity of a podcast he does in his garage and a life of sobriety, his life and career are turning around.

Maron explores a fictionalized version of Marc's life, his relationships, and his career, including his incredibly popular WTF podcast, which features conversations Marc conducts with celebrities and fellow comedians. Neurosis intact, Maron is uniquely fascinating, absolutely compelling and brutally funny.
Post Reply

04x03 - The Field Trip

Post by bunniefuu »

Chris: When we take away the dr*gs and alcohol, we're left with feelings which are uncomfortable.

The idea here is to put whatever those feelings are into creativity.

Good... Trey. One way to do it.

Nice maze, Adam. Trying to get outside yourself?

Come on, you can do this.

I honestly don't see any point to it.

Well, you can resist all you want to.

I didn't make these therapies up.

They work for people.

Oh, okay. Well, then, uh, you know what?

I'm... I'm done.

This is my tribute to pointlessness.

When are we gonna eat?

Nice meth-maze, tweaker.

Li-li-literally, a-a-a monkey could do a more in-in-in-interesting painting.

Okay.

Can I talk to you for a second, Chris?

Look, I don't think I can, uh, do this place.

All right, you know, these kids are... are just...

kids.

Where are all the adult addicts?

I mean, what, are they dead, are they in Malibu?

Look for the similarities, Marc.

Everyone here is just trying to get better.

Yeah, but I'm an adult.

I have adult things to do.

I got... I gotta keep things going out there for when my stint's over in here.

Rebuild my life.

Just... just let me have my phone long enough to check my messages.

Sorry, I can't do that. Policy.

Just give me my cell for two minutes, and I'll come back and I'll paint you a little picture.

No can do.

[breathes heavily]

I want to check my messages! Why can't I check my messages?!

This is stupid!

You're stupid!

Who's acting like a child now?

[babbles mockingly] "Acting like a child now," Mister five years sober counselor with your sad degree in addiction therapy and your dumb, pleated dickless chinos is gonna tell me that I'm... I'm acting like a child?

Look, I'm expressing my feelings!

I'm expressing my feelings!

[blues music plays]

So, when [sniffs] my boyfriend moved away junior year...

[sighs] I don't know, I just got really pissed off.

I don't... I...

Oh, can I just pa... I need to pass right now.

I just need to pass.

M-m-m-my problem isn't dr-dr*gs sp-specifically.

It's that we are all go-go-going to-to die.

O-o-o-overpopulation, g-genetically mod-mod-modified food.

G-G-Girls don't like me.

Gl-gluten.

Gl-gluten.

Music is... is... is the worst right... r-right now, [voice breaking] and the new "Halo" is... is not very good.

Mm.

Yeah.

The... the new "Halo" is a bummer.

Okay. Okay, I can... I can talk now.

So, his... his dad... got a job in Michigan.

Michigan?

I...

Just...

Go, somebody... somebody else.

Uh, all, right, well...

I'm Trey. I like dr*gs.

My parents made me come here.

I'm out.

That's all I got.

[sips drink]

And I-I-I... I don't understand.

I don't understand why I'm crying.

I don't understand why I'm so pissed off.

'Cause I'm a feminist.

I'm a feminist. I just shouldn't care.

[chuckles]

I-I don't want to be condescending to the Breakfast Club here, but I have...

I have, you know, real problems.

I'd gotten to the point where I was having sex with a woman who was taking care of a man dying of cancer so I could take his pain pills.

I struggled for years, man.

I struggled for years to... to... to get where I was.

And against all odds, I carved out a career for myself and I just pissed it all away.

You know, I... lost my house.

b*rned all of my friends.

Was living in a storage locker, sh1tting in a bucket.

You know, and now, you know, I've got nothing.

Nothing.

I have nothing.

And, you know, and gluten.

Let's not forget you put together 16 years of sobriety.

That's no small feat, my friend.

Especially to these young people.

Maybe that's... why your higher power put you right here.

Yeah, Chris, there's no higher power.

That's just some trick we play on ourselves to... you know, give us hope.

You know, I-I mean, look, I don't want to do dr*gs.

And, uh, yes, I've been here before.

And now it just seems pointless, just...

Everything seems pointless.

I've got nothing.

I'm a 52-year-old man, and I've got nothing.

No wife, no kids.

My... my cats are, you know, st-staying somewhere else and...

I-I had my second chance.

I had it.

I'm sorry for interrupting, um... what were you saying about your... high-school boyfriend moving away?

'Cause that sounds... hard.

Okay, people, uh... before we wrap things up today, uh, exciting news.

We are going to have a field trip mañana!

We're going to the police museum.

H-Hey, man.

I can't be going to no police museum.

All right, I got warrants out.

You know, traffic violations and sh*t.

Mm. Wait.

Is it the police museum in Highland Park?

sh*t.

It's gonna be fun!

[clicks tongue]

Now what's your problem, Marc?

I can't go on the field trip.

Why?

Because it's in my old neighborhood!

It's mandatory.

♪♪
♪ Dance to the b*at ♪
♪ Dance to the b*at, dance to the b*at ♪

Oh, look, there's my old life.

♪ Dance to the b*at ♪

What's... what's... what's that?

♪ Dance to the b*at ♪

Nothing, man.

♪ Dance to the b*at ♪
♪ Dance to... ♪

[car door opens]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are we doing?!

Pit stop. Coffee's on me.

Oh, you're k*lling me, man.

Come on, man. Getting coffee.

Not in there. I can't go in there.

I used to go in there every day, man.

No, it'll be fine. We got your back.

No, no, I'm good. I'm good.

[car door closes]

What?

Uh, I'll... I'll... I'll hang out with you.

I don't... I don't need to go... go... go in.

I've never done... done... done coffee.

Oh, my God!

I-I-I-I put in cream and sugar.

I-I-I didn't know what else to put... put in coffee.

That's fine.

Just... just take it easy. Slow down.

It's your first time. Okay?

I need to get out of here.

This needs m-m-m-more sugar.

[soft pop music playing]

Excuse me. Marc, right?

Yeah.

Nathan. I bought your home.

Hmm.

You mean the home I lost when the bank took?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I guess I just wanted to say hi, and... I love the house.

And...

I don't know, this is weird now.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is weird.

Probably weirder for me, I mean, you know, you have a place to live.

Okay, nice meeting you.

You... take care.

Mm.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, man.

Ohh.

Y-y-y-you all right?

Who was... was... was that guy?

Doesn't matter.

[bag shakes]

How's that... first coffee experience going?

I-I-I-I feel like p-p-punching someone, and pooping.

Yeah, I feel like punching somebody, too.

As Chief August Vollmer notably stated in the year 1923, there is no higher calling than that of policemen.

[in hushed voice] Cops are such dicks.

Trey.

[whispering] You... you... you hanging in there, b-b-buddy?

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Stupid hipster living in my house.

What kind of name is Nathan anyway?

It... it's short for... for Nathaniel.

I know what it is.
[mid-tempo music plays]

Ohh.

I can't... can't... can't imagine being stuck in this... this... this sh*thole.

This looks like where I was living, only there's a toilet.

[chuckling] Yo, if Adam were in here, he'd be somebody's wife in like 15 seconds.

Uh... I... that's... that's prob-prob-prob-probably true.

Yeah, it is. You're my bitch now!

Hey, hey, hey!

All right, all right, all right, come on!

Come... all right, get out of my way, dummies!

Oh, my God!

[groaning]

[mid-tempo music continues]

[gasps] Th-that... that's black tar heroin.

Ch-cha-chiba!

You think that... that... that... that sh*t's real?

No, man, that sh*t's not real.

It's like at the Cheesecake Factory where they put the samples in the display.

Th-th-th-think ab-about it, man.

C-c-cops got all kinds of dr*gs just ly-ly-lying around.

Why fake s-s-s-something when it's just as easy to use... use... use the real thing?

Only one way to find out.

Watch that door.

What's happening?

What are you... what is this?

What are you... what is that?

Give me it.

Is... Is that a black card?

Is this a black card?

Don't only, like, 12 people in the world have these?

I mean, you could buy a house with this, man!

You did nothing in your life to deserve this.

You're just a punk-ass kid!

Uh, it's for emergencies.

[scoffs]

Oh, my God!

I need a break.

Oh, uh, a-a-a break fr-from what?

From life!

From life.

[sighs]

Hey, Officer.

Got a cigarette?

Sure.

[sighs]

Thanks.

So... you with that group?

Yeah.

Pathetic.

What?

Couldn't handle your high, huh?

I... I think it's a little more complicated than that.

Is it?

Let me guess.

You're some sort of middle-class guy, grew up, not too much to worry about, parents had money.

East coast college.

Jew, one of those artsy types, got to do whatever you wanted.

Married at least once.

But you blew it because you're a selfish ass.

And now you're just crying in your beer.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You can't drink.

Crying in your soup.

That's pretty close.

What's your point?

You're a p*ssy.

[slow-tempo music plays]

[blues playing]

Bernie!

Hey, I know you.

How do I know you?

I used to live right there.

Oh, right.

There's some other guy there now.

Are you coming to get it back?

I-I-I lost the house.

So that other guy just found it?

No. He... he bought it from the bank.

So what have you been doing?

Oh, I... I've had some problems.

You know, I've...

I ruined my life and I was living in a storage locker.

Oh, I had a locker in high school.

Had a Farrah Fawcett picture.

That nipple...

Did you have one of those?

No, no, I-I had a sh*t bucket.

Smart.

Do you ever talk to the... the new guy who lives here?

Yeah, I talked to him for a long time.

But I thought he was you.

Mm.

Except he was a lot nicer.

That's when I got confused.

Right, I get it. I get it.

All right.

Well, it's good to see you, Bernie.

See you, Nathan.

[mid-tempo music plays]

[doorknob rattles]

Hey, Marc.

What are you doing?

Oh.

I'm sorry. I-I-I didn't think anyone was here.

Well, that doesn't make it better.

Actually, it's a little bit worse.

Yeah, I know.

I'm sorry. Yeah, I'll go.

I-I-I...

I guess I was just feeling nostalgic... if that's another word for suicidal.

[chuckles]

You want to look around?

Yeah.

Can I... can I see the inside of the garage?

Yeah.

[sighs]

Wow. [sighs]

You're using it as an actual garage.

You want to see the rest of the house?

I don't know.

I don't know if I can handle it.

Why don't you just come in? I'm making tea.

Marc: [sighs]

I like what you've done with the place.

Thanks.

Hey, if you don't mind my asking, how did you get this house?

I guess I got lucky.

My real-estate agent found out about this foreclosure...

Sorry.

It's all right, man.

Can I use the bathroom?

Yeah, it's right there...

I know where it is.

[mid-tempo music plays]

[water running]

[flushes]

[water stops]

[sighs]

It's not there anymore.

What?

I found the dr*gs in there, and in the garage and in the backyard.

What about in the...

Is that why you came over here, just to find your old stashes?

I don't... I don't know why I came over here. I-I guess I wanted to talk to you.

I wanted more reasons to dislike you.

The dr*gs were an afterthought.

I-I-I-I don't know why I'm here.

Just, you know... running out of places to go.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Yeah, yeah, there is.

Who the hell are you?

Why do you get to live in this house?

Why do you get to have life work out for you?

You should go.

Yeah, I should.

Fine.

You're right. I'm out of line.

Enjoy your life in my house.

You won.

You know why I bought this house?

When I got out of the hospital after the accident, I just couldn't go back to the old house.

So I sold it... at a loss... and then within a few days, our Realtor found this one.

So I snagged it so I could start over.

Accident?

What happened?

Well, we were driving home from dinner, and some guy ran a stop sign and T-boned the car.

Ohh.

I woke up in a hospital bed.

My husband didn't make it.

We always wanted a Craftsman, so...

Jesus, man.

I'm sorry.

Eh, it's getting easier.

Where are you living now?

I'm in a rehab, you know.

Like, I was until I ran away from a field trip, so...

[sighs]

I... I feel like an assh*le.

[door rattling]

H-h-hey, Marc.

[muffled, through door] Open the door, idiot!

What else could this mean?!

Did you score? You high?

No, I'm... I'm not high. I just took a walk.

For... for... for... for four hours?

What are you, my mother? I needed to think, all right?

You guys were driving me crazy.

You get some p*ssy?

[sighs] What?

No.

P-p-p-pizza?

An-an-an-anything good?

[sighs]

I went to my old house, you know?

I-I guess I needed closure or something.

You're probably gonna... gonna have to piss in... in a cup tomorrow.

I can't believe you didn't get any p*ssy.

[scoffs] I would have gotten so much p*ssy.

N-n-n-not me.

Oh, my God.

I want to leave again.

Well, your urine came back clean.

So what do you want to do?

What does that mean?

You can go if you want.

It's a program for people who want it, not people who need it.

All right, well, look, I'm... I'm here.

Well, you can't come and go as you please.

Makes me look stupid.

There are rules, and you really need to commit to your recovery.

Actually, what happened out there helped my recovery.

I-I don't really want to go into it, but... it did.

Maybe it would be helpful for you to talk about it.

What would be helpful is if you give me my phone so I can check my messages and stop treating me like some teenager who's being punished.

[bag rustles]

A little privacy, please.

All right... come on... fine, fine.

Just...

Put it on speaker.

[filtered voice, Hispanic accent] Hey, man, this is Tony from the storage locker.

Are you alive?

If you're alive, I need that money, like, yesterday.

They're gonna sell all your sh*t.

And also, my band's playing at the Echo tomorrow.

If you want to bring some fun pills, I can let you in.


That's why I have to listen.

Yeah, I wouldn't have gone. His music is horrendous.

Tina: Hey, baby, it's your little nursie, Tina... or should I say... fiancée.

I got a fresh scrip for the old man if you want some.

And I also have a freshly shaved [singsong voice] you know what if you want some.

Call me.


Shaved. Nice.

Uh, might make it worse.

Tony: Wow!

Your sh*t's gone, dude. Sorry.

All your sh*t's gone!

Missed you at the show the other night.

Are you still alive?


Yeah, you're right, player.

Big important calls.

Big life out there.

I have nothin'.

Nothin'.

[laughs]

Oh, God!
Post Reply