You know, first the hair, then the husband.
You hate it.
I feel judged by this couch.
It fits in, you have to admit that.
It does fit in, it's incredibly uncomfortable.
Oh come on.
Orlando, I'm thrilled.
Dad, I don't want a tour.
The place I call home, you know the one I grew up in?
Yeah, you sold to buy this notably one bedroom cyberloft.
Young people see themselves as fat and ugly and old people see themselves as attractive when in fact, they are old, wrinkly and unattractive.
Would you mind if I.. ran in there?
I, I thought you quit?
I'm quitting. Quit-ing.
I'm reducing consumption. Would you mind?
Why do you keep asking me? Of course I mind.
Because I know you do mind and the humiliation of your judgement might help motivate me to stop.
Be quick.
Do you have any cash? My uh, credit card, my new credit card hasn't come through and my... debit card was demagnetised by my eel skin wallet.
Mmhm.
Stupid thing. Why do they even bother skinning the eels in the first place? Can't be simple.
Hello.
I'd like some cigarettes.
Davina? Davina Davis?
Uh, yes?
Ah, it's me. Tracy Vernon.
Well, Tracy Witticker, from Martin Frobisher High?
I...
Oh, you don't remember?
No.
Uh, I had a Dorothy Hamill haircut.
Oh, I wore a neck-brace in grade 11.
Oh, Tracy! Tracy, how are you? My God. Hi.
I'm completely forgettable, I know.
Oh, no.
Wow. I can't believe you're here.
I thought you'd be in Hollywood or something.
I was in Hollywood, briefly.
Oh my God.
I bet your life was absolutely amazing.
Well it's not over yet.
You're still so beautiful.
Aw, no.
Oh no, I remember.
You always got all the boys.
I did? Well I...
There was one and oh my God. Well, he was like a God.
Ah what was his name? Uh, the butcher's son?
Mmhm, Frank La Rondi.
Frank La Rondi!
He was gorgeous. He looked like a young John Travolta.
Yes, he did.
And he only had eyes for you. Ah! Ha! Ha!
So... what did you end up doing?
Oh well, I was, uh. I was a model.
And I worked mostly in Milan and New York.
Oh, you're k*lling me. I wanted that life so badly, but I was short and ugly, and...
Anyway my parents, they were all about school.
"Stay in school, you ugly thing!"
They would yell at me.
Aw, parents.
Oh no, no. They didn't actually say that.
It's just what I heard.
Oh.
Uh, so what, so what did you end up doing?
Oh, oh.
I'm uh...I'm clinical director of neurology at Toronto Western hospital.
You're a brain surgeon?
Yeah. Sort of.
Wow. That's... That's not too bad.
Well, I never got to walk the catwalk in Paris.
Oh it was actually Milan, that I...
Yeah.
So tell me.
Yes?
Who did manage to catch you?
Um.
Look at this!
Heavily filtered cigarette holder.
You puff and you puff, you suck and you suck and you never get any smoke.
And as a bonus, you look like Harry Truman.
Um, this is uh, this is my husband, Al.
Hello, nice to meet you.
S01E02 - The Old Woman
Excuse me? Could you tell me how much longer it'll be... who's in charge?
Um, I'm sorry?
Well it's obviously not you, so who is it?
Uh, he's in there.
Go and get him. Now.
What is your name?
I'm Colin.
I'm not your friend. What is your last name?
Powell.
Colin Powell.
Yeah. How can I help you?
I have been waiting 45 minutes for a 10 minute appointment.
So by my calculations, you now owe me $330 which is what I would have made had I been working, instead of sitting in there, reading how to recognize the seven signs of a melanoma.
I'm sorry, but we have...
I will be back here next Monday and if I am made to wait again, then I will bill you for the lost income.
Do you understand that, Colin Powell?
Uh, yes. I do.
Uh, Sarah? Sarah Thorn?
Yes?
It's me, Al.
Al Jackson. We had a thing. A little thing.
Back in, oh God, 35 years ago.
A thing?
Yeah we, we went out together.
I had just written my first book of short fiction and you interviewed me, you were working at the...
Alan! Jesus Christ, what happened to you?
Oh, so many things I could go into...
When did it happen?
It's difficult to tell.
We think she had the stroke in her sleep.
The doctor is with her now.
Is she conscious?
She's in and out. Which is why it's best you come back when she's stabilized.
I'm sorry, you've been through this before?
It's her fifth stroke.
Well, the brain is remarkably resilient.
Next time bring some old photographs, talk to her about the past. It'll help her. You know?
Ok. Thank you, Carol.
I listen to your show, regularly.
I'm a regular listener. I sound like a fan.
Well, I am a fan, you know.
Thank you.
What's with the, uh, Truman Capote look?
Oh, I uh, I was going for Harry... um.
It's a filter. I'm trying to quit.
Oh it looks like an affectation.
It is an affectation.
Is it?
Mmhm.
Oh God, am I a hipster?
You always made me laugh, I remember that. All the stupid things you do.
Ah, me and my charming idiocy.
You, you don't pull any punches.
You're very vicious with the guests on the show, all those politicians and poor, helpless celebrities.
Well I hate arrogance. I hate pretention.
Ah, thank God I was never on the show.
Well, why would you be?
Well I write a little column for the Toronto register, kind of pop-culture critique. People find it quite funny.
I do, and others. Not to sound arrogant, but.
Why are you here?
I... Oh, I have a little tickle in my throat, I'm afraid it might be cancer.
A tickle?
Well tickle's not the right word. More like I sense the hint of a tumour.
It's probably nothing, but might be devastating.
So they're running some tests. You?
Botox. A tickle of cancer, ha! You haven't changed.
You were always afraid of everything.
You let your fears control you, that's what held you back.
Oh, well...
'Course, you were always a great f*ck. I remember that, too.
Well uh, thank you.
You, uh... you too.
(Phone rings)
Hello? Oh, hi.
Uh, no, no, it's good.
Oh, you did?
Oh that's great. Yeah, when?
Ok, well I'll just run it by the old ball and chain.
The old... ball and chain. My, my wife.
No, no, no, she is. I know. Yes, yes I'm sure. Yeah.
So where?
Uh, ok. I'll see you in an hour.
Ok, thank you. Bye.
sh*t. That was Sarah Thorn, you know of urban warfare, CKBD Radio? She read my stuff, she wants me on the show.
Well that's great.
sh*t.
Why do you keep saying sh*t?
Well you've heard her.
She eviscerates everyone who comes on the show.
Not everyone.
Well no, only those who show fear.
She wants me to meet her for lunch, do you mind?
You're asking my permission again. Why?
Well, because of your mother.
Well... I'm alright.
Anyway I'm going to have lunch with Orlando.
Uh huh.
He's gonna give me the death talk again.
Well don't let him upset you.
He will though, that's his thing.
Remember when my Uncle Peter d*ed and he gave us that Bosch print?
Could I borrow a little more money? My credit card hasn't come through yet.
How much?
Well, lunch is at that place on king. Food...
80?
80, seriously?
Oh, 100 with tip.
Just because they deconstruct a sandwich and serve it in a sh*t glass doesn't mean they can charge four times the price. I will take 80.
Better take 100.
Thank you.
Traffic will be bad.
Which is why I'm going to take the streetcar. That's the glory of living downtown.
Public transit at your doorstep. Good for the environment, good for your soul.
Wish me luck!
Ah, there he is.
Frank La Rondi.
'Scuse me, is this normal? It's been 20 minutes.
Well yeah, it never comes.
What do you mean it never comes?
Heh. It never comes. You wait, and you wait, and you wait, and it never comes.
It's a joke.
Well it must come eventually, there are tracks here.
See, here's the thing. Yuppies from the burbs, they come here and they move into their high-price glass boxes now the core is crammed full with these rich idiots and, naaa, it doesn't function anymore.
Ok. Fine. I'll, uh, walk.
Booth?
It's supposed to be tomato, mozzarella basil leaves with just a drizzle of olive oil.
It is the chef's interpretation of a caprese salad.
Well it's a misinterpretation, then.
Mango? Has he been to Capri?
Does he have fond memories of sitting underneath the mango trees there? Because I'll tell you right now, he was in Jamaica and he was high.
Hi, I'm sorry I'm late, I...
Don't worry about it, we're skipping the appetizers anyway.
Well we all die, it's inevitable.
She's not dead.
Oh, for chrissakes, she's as good as dead. I mean, let's face it.
I'm just saying it's natural, you know.
We start dying as soon as we're born. If you think about it, it's amazing our hearts b*at as long as they do.
Well you were never particularly ambitious.
I welcome death.
It's the only way to remove its power. Bring on the empty chilling silence of death. Bring it on.
Well you should be a grief counselor, you have a gift.
Oh ok. Would you like me to speak about heaven? Because you know if there's a heaven, that means there's a hell and I don't want to think about that.
Do you remember the Bosch prints?
No, I'm a realist.
You should be, too. When you're gone, you're gone.
That's it. God, imagine that.
No more Orlando.
Mmm, imagine that.
Oh, that would a relief to you, I suppose?
One less lunch a month to pay for?
What is with that accent?
What's up?
That accent, what is it? Pretend British?
It's Larry's idea.
Who's Larry?
He's my healer therapist.
Healer therapist? Since when?
Since I started sorting out my life.
Oh God. What's next? T-shirts for me and your father that say "we failed" written on the front of it?
He's just encouraging me to self-create.
To what?
To self-create. Create myself, re-create myself.
Because we screwed it up so badly the first time round?
Would you like me to say yes? Is that the word you'd like to hear?
Because I'm prepared to answer that question definitively.
But that would be petty.
Mmm-hmm.
Point is, we all die. When the end comes, we may as well be comfortable in our own skin otherwise what the hell's the point of any of this? Right? Good.
There's bacon in that.
And that's it, we'll chat.
Chat, chat.
Yeah, chat about the world, what's going on.
Exchange a half a dozen or so witty observations, you know.
And then that's it. How about Friday?
Ok, sure. Uh, wow. That's only two days away.
Is there a problem with that?
No, no no. Of course. Ok, great.
Wow, you just do, you don't hesitate, you just do.
Ha! Ha!
Ahem, you're short.
Uh, what?
The bill is $83.65, you've given me 80.
Oh, sorry. Um, ah.
No wait. I only had 100 in my wallet and it's gone so I must have given you five 20's.
No, no, no. You gave me four 20's.
No. I definitely put 100 in there because that's all the money I had.
This is about that caprese salad remark, isn't it.
No, he's short, that's all.
No, that is not all.
I don't think you understand.
I think I do understand.
No, you don't and I'll tell you why.
If you continue to try to defraud us, I'll have to have a chat with your boss.
And then you'll be fired and your desperate attempt to find new employment in this economy will catch the eye of immigration and one morning, a rather humourless man will show up on your doorstep and take you to the airport.
And as you're sitting there waiting to be deported you'll think, "oh, I could really use a latte right now."
Because a latte's gonna be so hard to find in my w*r-torn homeland. That is the very moment, as you slap your pockets and realize that you don't have a f*cking penny to your name.
That's when you'll truly understand what it is to be short.
The soup was great.
Sarah: Well if you put down the croquet mallet, took off the lense-less glasses and really looked at the world, you would see that your particular brand of pointless irony is not a lifestyle choice, as you put it, but a headlong...
She's terrifying.
So what happened to the cigarette holder?
Oh, people were assuming it was an affectation.
It wasn't?
See?
Anyway that was the last one, I promise.
Oh God, she's tough. You know where it comes from?
Complete confidence in herself. I so admire that.
She's going to humiliate me.
Yeah...
How's your mother?
Oh, in and out.
I'm going to see her on Friday just in case.
Oh, should I...? Do you want me to...
Oh no, there's no point. She didn't recognize you the last time, she thought you were...
Cesar Romero. Yeah, it was funny in a sad kind of way.
Orlando says it's amazing our hearts b*at this long.
I think I have to come out swinging.
I have to throw the first punch, I have to show her that I'm strong or she'll eat me alive.
I'm just going to run out and grab, uh... last time. Do you have any cash, dearest?
You know, what Orlando said was beyond insensitive.
You should have slapped him in the face.
Well, he's wrestling with it too, you know.
You're afraid of him. You're controlled by your fears.
We both are. That's what's holding us back.
Oh, sh*t.
Never mind.
She's still unconscious, she has been for 48 hours.
Oh, I was told that she was in and out.
No, who told you that? Carol?
Yes...
No, she's just been out, not in at all.
Oh well that's disappointing.
Well she's had five strokes over the past year and strokes take their toll.
Yes,...
That's a lot of damage to the brain tissue.
I understand.
Blood tears through the synapses, there's nothing we can do.
Carol should have told you.
I'm not trying to blame you, I'm just disappointed.
Right... would you like to see her anyway?
Of course I would, yes.
Alright.
Alan!
Hi.
Are you all ready?
Oh I'm ready, let's do it.
Ha! Ha! Ok.
That was, um...
Alright, come on.
He's a pop culture critic, he writes a very funny column for the Toronto Register and here he is looking very, very handsome in his Herringbone tweed, Alan Jackson.
Hello, Sarah.
And you're looking sufficiently botoxed.
Excuse me?
For listeners at home, I should explain that her face has been chemically paralysed into a neutral mask.
Uh, Alan! You recently wrote a column defending penny loafers.
Did you find that one funny?
Yes, I did.
Well, that means nothing to me.
I don't exist for you amusement.
Anyway I'm surprised you're still physically capable of laughter. Are those muscles still active?
Or when you find something funny, does your mouth just drop open like the ghost of Jacob Marley?
Here's you and dad. Wedding day!
So handsome.
I always loved that polka-dot dress.
Ah, here's me. In a show.
Oh, do you remember Frank?
We dated for a while.
He used to work in his father's butcher shop, but he hated it.
He wanted to be a marine biologist.
Sure liked to swim.
(Sighs) What else?
I'm a little bit fascinated by what you do for a living: r*pe journalism.
It's core component is humiliation.
Now I'm not so interested in the psychology of the audience as I am in the pathology of the practitioner.
Because if we were able to identify early behavioural aberrations... a toddler trapping and humiliating her stuffed animals for instance... we might be able to stream potential r*pe journalists into specifically designed re-training programs.
We are going to have to take a short commercial break.
But don't worry, we'll be right back with Al Jackson and his worldview.
What in the hell are you doing?
It's a first strike tactic.
Against who?
Against you. You're going to eviscerate me, aren't you?
You're not a corrupt politician, are you?
You're not some b-grade celebrity pushing some potentially fatal diet, are you?
N... no.
No. You're a humourist.
At least, that's what I thought you were.
I am. I am.
You totally misread this situation, Alan.
I didn't have you on here to eviscerate you.
I had you on here because you're slightly amusing.
And... I thought it might be fun to f*ck you again.
What? What?
And we are back.
So, Alan Jackson, you stand up for penny loafers and stand up in penny loafers, I assume...
We're liking the new neighbourhood.
Parking's a problem, so we're walking more.
And we're getting used to the loft. It's nice but it's...
It's very open.
Privacy's an issue.
Not that I wanted to hide from Al, but sometimes I do.
Not hide, but I wanna be alone, I mean.
I'm spending more time in the bathroom.
Maybe I am hiding.
It depends how you define hide.
Oh it's hiding, don't kid yourself.
Excuse me?
I used to hide from my husband. In the basement.
I told him I was making candles.
Well, I was, really. But nothing I was doing took anywhere near the amount of time... um...
I claimed it did.
It just... melt the wax. Pour it into moulds and then sit and waaaait. Until it gets hard.
That's... that's nice.
It is not nice!
It's horrible. The candles were just a ploy.
I would like to spend a little time with my mother if you, if you don't mind.
She can't process what you're saying to her because of her brain damage. Ha! Ha!
My God! Whatever happened to sensitivity?
I'm too old for sensitivity, my dear.
I'm at death's door.
Well, well that's fine. But my mother here, she's had five strokes and I am upset about that, ok?
I mean, she's at death's door, too.
Oh! Ho! We all are, my dear. It's just that, some of us have our hand on the doorknob, as it were.
Ha... ha... you sound like my son.
Oh, Orlando.
He should be medicated, if you want my opinion.
How do you know about him?
You cannot be responsible for someone else's happiness.
Only your own.
Well, I'm happy enough.
Ohhhh! Go make a candle.
Who do you think you are? I'm... I am trying to have what might very well be the last conversation I ever...
(wheezes) (Heart monitor flat line)
And now, I'm dead.
See how quickly it can happen?
Look, my dear.
If happy enough is good enough for you, then relax.
Put a TV in the bathroom so you have something to do while you're hiding. But I suggest you find out what you want and get it as quickly as possible.
We're all at death's door, my dear.
So... what about it?
Uh, what about what?
Do you want to go somewhere and screw?
Oh ah...
I live just about 20 minutes from here by cab.
But, I've got a 4 o'clock meeting. So, if we're going to do something, we're going to have to do it now.
I am... I am... screwing someone, thank you.
And I have been screwing them for many years now and well, it's kind of an exclusive thing. So...
Ok. All right. Bye bye, now.
Ok. Any chance at another sh*t at the show?
Oh no, no. This was... All about sex. Ha! Ha!
Ok. Bye.
What can I get you?
Um...
A quarter pound of ground beef, please.
E... extra lean.
Ok.
(Cellphone rings)
Hey.
Hey, how did it go?
Mmm, not so good.
It was a, a one-sided conversation How did, how did the show go?
Oh... I came off as insane. I adjusted.
I'm sure it sounded like my meds kicked in about halfway through. I completely misjudged the situation.
I'm an idiot, basically.
And I think my cancer tickle's getting worse Hey, you know that thing I said about us being held back by our fears?
Well, I'm glad.
It means we can keep up with each other.
I love you.
I'll be home soon.