Al: Roger hits on you and you hide it from me, right?
The piano guy hits on you and you say you don't see the signs. Did you ride on his bike?
Robert f*cking Ringwald hits on you and what do you do? You go to the playground with him.
Of course. I mean, what... what are you looking for that I can't give you?!
Honestly, I'm asking you!
What the f*ck is going on?!
This will make you laugh.
I had a dream last night...
I was playing football. Laughing yet?
Ok. It's raining.
Everyone's covered in mud. It's the last minute of play and we're tied. Classic narrative.
There was... there was a fumble in the line of scrimmage and out of the confusion, I scoop up the ball and run.
I run my ass off and there's nobody in front of me.
And I dive across the goal line, slam the ball into the mud just as the whistle blows. And then I jump up and shout, "I won, I won! I thought I was sh*t at this game, but I won!"
And it isn't until I see the faces of my teammates that I realize the enormity of what I've done.
I ran in the wrong direction.
Wow, I... I thought you'd laugh. You love laughing at my pain.
This is troubling.
Oh, ok. Here it comes. What?
You have to fly to Rio for two weeks to confirm them, or...?
There's a slight cardiac dysrhythmia.
There is?
Yes.
Your heart is b*ating faster than it should.
Oh, well that's just because you're in here.
Still no laughter. Ok, is this... what? Is it serious, or...?
It could be.
Well, how do we find out if it is or it isn't? And if it is, is it... like, how serious potentially?
Is it very serious, or...
Relax.
Al: Dirhythmia.
Doctor: Dysrhythmia.
Al: You know, as soon as I leave this office, I'm going to be all over the Internet, checking every permutation of that word, so, ah...
How do you expect me to relax, exactly?
Doctor: Al, do yourself a favour.
Give it your best sh*t.
E... excuse me. Excuse me. That's my car, the jag.
You just gave me a ticket.
It's after 4pm.
Yeah, well, look... I just had a doctor's appointment and uh, well, to be honest with you, there was a questionable test result and it might be bad.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, well, it might be nothing, but you know, we had to talk about it, I couldn't just leave, so I went past four, but you know why.
Yeah, yeah.
So, um. So... are you gonna tear that up or do I...
It's after 4pm.
Yeah, but I might have a serious heart condition.
I'm sorry.
Well, you keep saying that, but I don't think you are sorry.
I feel empathy, what can I say?
Oh, you feel empathy?
Well, it's after 4pm and I gotta write a ticket. I don't have a choice.
Regardless of circumstances?
Yeah.
So, if I came running up and I had a heart att*ck right in front of my car, you'd still give me a ticket?
Well, y... no. Ok, I gotta use my judgement to determine whether or not it's appropriate to write a ticket on a case by case basis, right?
In your case, I judge it to be appropriate.
I was just diagnosed with a serious heart condition.
Or maybe it's nothing. (Sound of glass breaking.)
Hey! Hey! Hey!
You little fucker... sh*t!
(Panting)
You couldn't have done anything there?
What do you want me to do? Write the kid a ticket?
Do you, uh, do you...?
I'm sorry.
This has been a shitty, shitty day.
This is why we have alcohol... because of shitty days like this.
Harken to my tale of woe, it started with the grim reaper and went downhill from there.
Seriously? Did we finish that cabernet? Seriously?
I'm drowning my sorrows with Kahlua, that's the kinda day it's been.
Dav? Davina?
S01E06 - The Return of the Other Davina
It's what it says about human nature, you know?
The traffic cop who gives out an empathetic smile with each ticket and the kid who looks you in the face when he smashes your car window.
It's a horrible world.
And getting worse, apparently.
If I had any courage, I'd k*ll myself.
How's this week's column, by the way?
Are those two thoughts related? Your suicidal thoughts and my column?
Depends on how it's going.
It's going well.
Are you expanding the scope?
Well you know, they say that every week and I still have no idea what it means.
It means make it relatable.
My columns are relatable.
Yeah, your last one was about streetcars.
And how frustrating they are, who can't relate to that?
I would think what they're saying as politely and obliquely as possible is that your brand of relatability, which involves extrapolating universal meaning from your own life experience is getting stale.
So I'm a dull man with a meaningless life, is that what you're saying?
That's what they're saying.
Well that's... hey! That's that f*cking kid!
Stop that sh*t... hey!
Fucker.
God...
sh*t. It was the same little bastard.
I... I had contracts in that bag.
Including mine?
Probably.
Yeah, well he didn't get away with much, then.
Come on, let's go to lunch.
Oh f*ck, I'm paying now, aren't I?
Oh my God, is that...?
It is. It's that piano teacher's bike.
Remember that prick I told you about?
Mm-hmm.
And he got a parking ticket!
Thank you, God!
What are you doing?
Well, in two weeks he'll find out he got a ticket and then he'll have to pay 60 bucks instead of 30.
How mature of you.
You're right, it's childish.
Maybe I'll just drain the break fluid.
That would be an actual crime, some kind of m*rder.
But it would make for a good column, right?
Al's agent: I don't judge. A person has to do what they have to do.
And you did it, didn't you? What you had to do. You left.
Al's just gonna have to deal with it.
And he will. In time.
Anybody coulda seen it coming, I'm sure Al did.
You're not particularly good at hiding what's going on in your head.
So, there was a certain amount of denial going on, on Al's part, I mean.
All he had to do was look at your face.
Take the egg, just the yolk.
Stick it in. Give it a little stir.
Add flour. Stir, stir, stir.
More flour.
And what I do not understand is how could you do this to me?
What?
You used me.
No.
He was my piano teacher, you never would have met him if it hadn't been to me.
I know.
I gave him to you, for Christ's sake.
Well, not exactly. I... I only took him after you fired him.
That's all you ever do, isn't it? Take, take, take.
That's not true.
Frooin.
Well... what about her?
She was my doll. I had her first. I named her Frooin.
And just because you're barely younger and you had to have your stupid f*cking tonsils out, suddenly you have Frooin.
Well, you didn't want her anyore!
You told mom that you were too old for dolls.
I was playing the part. I was being older.
You are a little bit older.
Too old for sex, is that what you're saying?
I'm not saying anything!
And you're the younger one and you always will be and the younger one can have anything she f*cking wants.
No. No. No.
So, tell me.
How is he? Huh? Is he good?
I'm not going there.
'Cause that's what this is all about, isn't it? This is your last chance to really get laid. He wants you and it's not because you can cook, or iron, or do online banking.
It's 'cause you can f*ck like a rabbit.
You're oversimplifying the situation.
It's impossible to oversimplify the situation.
It's a simple situation. Tell me something, while you're lying there, not correcting him as his lips land three inches above your nipples do you think to yourself what's going to happen five years down the road? When you are forced to hand off your f*cking Frooin to someone younger?
Please, Ron.
This is making me feel really uncomfortable.
Yeah, well. What about me? How do you think I feel?
I'm already there.
Sorry.
No, don't touch me, just don't touch me.
Why couldn't it have been me?
I was devastated. Obviously.
But what happened wasn't really about you.
You know, all I ever wanted...
I never asked my parents for anything.
Except to be parents.
(Playing everybody hurts by R.E.M.)
(Door opens)
I used my keys to get in.
Oh good.
Really, dad? Are you gonna?
What?
Well, it's like the weepiest song ever recorded.
Yes. Yes.
No, seriously. They recorded it to stop depressed teenagers from k*lling themselves. Should I be worried about you?
Because, I mean, I am worried about you, but...
No, I'm fine.
Great, good.
Then, don't, you know, indulge in the misery.
Jesus, why don't you stop pouring salt on the wound?
Maybe, you know, distract yourself some of that other awful music you like?
Some of that crappy jazz, huh? How about that?
Remember the day we bought you that bike?
The white rally? Your first ten speed?
Yeah.
We let you ride it home from the store, remember?
Yeah.
That was the day we bought this record. Well, CD.
This was after vinyl and before stealing.
We stuck it in the car stereo and followed you home and were both... just so knocked out.
We... we had this kid who could ride a big boy bike and it made us both cry and that's what this track reminds me of.
Oh no.
Hey, hey. It's ok. It's ok. (Orlando crying)
Just get it out.
Roger: At least you were honest with him you told him exactly what was going on.
That's a sign of respect.
Of course...
That was after you lied to him.
After the initial period of deception, right.
Well, we're all human beings, aren't we?
The important thing is you told him the truth eventually and when he asked you to leave, you left.
You respected his wishes.
And now you're with us and you know you're welcome to stay as long as you like.
It's very nice having you around.
(Phone rings)
Do you want... Should I get that?
No, no.
Answering machine: Hello, you have reached Roger and Veronica, but neither of us is able to answer the phone. Please leave a message and we will get back to you when it is convenient.
Thank you for calling, goodbye.
Al: Oh, hi. It's me.
It's Al.
Don't cry.
Don't cry. Don't cry.
Don't cry.
I won't, I won't.
So, Olga. Did you get the information?
Ha! Does he make you smile like that?
I'm sorry, sorry. Just erase that.
It's me, just me.
You know how I am with an elephant in the room.
I climb aboard and ride it around.
Are you coping?
What? Do I... do I look like someone falling apart?
No.
You look good.
Yes, well, I'm incredibly strong. I pretend to be weak and needy but that's just because I don't want my friends to feel inferior.
Your sister?
Oh, it's been a bit of an adjustment, me crashing there.
And Roger?
Oh, he's... he's good.
It's like Mona Lisa moved in.
Yes, well, uh.
Sam has offered to exhibit some of his artwork.
Ho! Ho! Jesus. What a nightmare.
Oh, it's almost worth us breaking up so I don't have to see that smug face again.
Note... note I said almost.
Um, this... this is for you.
It's an invitation to his opening.
Oh, that's too bad. I have plans for that night.
I was going to wash...
Mmm... washing your luggage?
Wash my luggage, yes.
Unless you're going.
I don't know.
Maybe.
With him?
I should go.
Come home.
Uh, I'll change.
Anything you want me to be, I'll be.
Anything you don't want me to do, I won't.
If it's because I get so angry all the time, I'll stop. I'll meditate. You can choose my mantra.
Or if it's the hypochondria, I'm already on it.
I no longer imagine giant cancers growing in my brain.
Only in my heart. I'm eliminating the organs one at a time.
I would do anything for one more day with you. Anything.
It's not you.
Wow.
You're actually saying those words. Ok. Who is it?
It's me?
It's me.
It is me.
Great.
Then we can change together.
No, look, I... I can't do this.
I can't do this right now. I want... I wanna go.
Ok, ok. It's ok.
It's... it's fine.
It's... it's ok.
Ok.
It's ok.
You gonna be all right?
What? Being by myself?
Well, I... I don't expect to end up that way.
Oh?
No.
I'll take out 20 or 30 people with me when I climb that bell tower with my sn*per's r*fle.
Don't say that.
I know. We can't make that joke now, can we?
You're still the person I married.
Even with my new hat?
I love that hat. I think it's great.
It's so you.
(Applause)
What it is is a much needed refresh of the aesthetic of pop art. The juxtaposition of mundane objects and the feminine ideal. Ah ha!
You've made a statement. It's not just essential, it's...
It's... quintessential.
Ah! Ha! Ha!
I'm sure a lot of thought went into that outfit he's wearing.
See? That silver lamee jacket hangs down just enough to cover his ass, so you don't see the horseshoe.
Come here. Come here. Have a look at this.
See? He really can draw.
(Scoffs) How much is that?
I'm sorry, it's already sold.
Really?
You're absolutely right.
Well thank you.
Thank you very much.
Do you do commissions?
Uh...
(Indie music playing.)
This is what smokers do? They inhale together?
Is it mandatory?
I never knew you, uh...
Oh, I just started. It's been a week.
If he can change, so can I.
You're waiting for her, aren't you? You're hoping to catch a glimpse?
No, I don't even know if she's coming, I mean...
God, we're pathetic clowns.
Well, I... I wouldn't...
We're clowns. The sad kind with the mouth that turns down.
Hobos?
Not hobos.
The clowns with the tears painted on the faces.
God, when you think about it, why would anyone release a creature like that into a room full of children?
I think, I mean, if you're actually asking me and not just ranting, that the sad clown has its roots in commedia Dell'art and Pierrot and...
I don't know anything about commedia Dell'arte.
Pierrot is the naive simpleton who's in love with columbine and she breaks his heart when she leaves him for Harlequin.
Oh, ok. So, you're the sad clown, I'm the... the dried-up old bitch.
Is there a dried up old bitch n commedia Dell'arte?
I think Rufiano.
Oh my God. Can you not recognize sarcasm anymore?
The universe is sh1tting on us is my point.
The universe shits on some people and gives other people art shows and beautiful breasts. God I hate this.
This conversation...
Smoking. I hate smoking.
(Glass breaking)
Hey!
I just bought that you little sh*t!
f*ck! (Under breath) Little sh*t!
(Panting)
Argh! Little fucker!
f*ck. Argh! Ah! Ah!
We know this has been very hard on you, Davina.
You were unhappy. You were unhappy for so, so long.
But you know what? You did something about it and that's commendable.
I suppose it is.
Al knows it's better to let you go.
There's no reason to feel guilty about what you did with that piano player. More importantly, what you did had nothing to do with what happened subsequently, to Al in the alley. You know?
We all love you and we respect the choices that you've made. Isn't that right?
Yes, oh yes dear.
Orlando?
I'm so proud of you.
This is the most pathetic delusion you've ever had.
It is.
You are this close to being certifiable.
You keep saying "you", but we're the same person.
No. You're on your own on this one.
Mrs. Jackson?
Yes?
Please come with me.
He suffered a myocardial infarction as a result of chronic super ventricular arrhythmia.
It's due to elevated arterial plaque.
And... and that means?
He needs a percutaneous transluminal coronal angioplasty.
So, he's... I'm sorry, I...
What I'm saying, Mrs. Jackson, is don't worry.
You're not going to lose your husband.
A... apparently you have something unpronounceable.
Ha! I just smile and nod when they talk to me.
Actually I find it comforting that they don't bother to translate the Latin. I figure it's when they take my hand and talk to me slowly and quietly in English, I should worry.
You actually had a heart att*ck.
Oh. Now I know what the real thing feels like.
It's different than gas pain, I won't make that mistake again.
And, bonus, it's done wonders for my column.
Facing death? That's scope. That's huge scope.
You... you didn't face death.
I... I did actua...
No, no, no. You didn't.
Well, I didn't see lights and a tunnel, but I think my glasses fell off when I collapsed.
Oh, which reminds me. You didn't happen to read my horoscope?
No.
No. Why would you?
Ah, well, I'll tell you. I think I'm beginning to lose faith in astrology. I mean, at first it said, uh, true love is just around the corner and that was the week I found out...
And uh... and then it said, "be prepared for a really big shock."
As if your wife leaving you for the young Indiana Jones isn't shock enough already.
Greg and I, um.
We're not...
Oh.
I just...
I just wanted...
Look over the garden wall, see what's on the other side before it was too late.
And then I thought, you know, I... maybe I... prefer it here.
Here?
On this side.
Well, I don't blame you.
This... you are one infarction away from inheriting...
Practically nothing, actually. Come here, come here.
Try out this... luxurious bed.
The sheets are like sandpaper.
Reminds me of that uh, hotel in Miami. Remember?
And that coral coloured bed?
And you and your sensitive skin.
(Heart monitor beeping.)
(Flatline sound)