02x11 - Maxine's Dad

[bunniefuu]

The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.

Maxine... can you believe Whole Foods tried to get me to buy a reusable bag?

Why's everybody pretending to care about the environment right now?

You cannot realistically care about the future of your great-great-grandchildren.

(sighs) Look, Jerrod, my dad is in town for only 48 hours.

So, just dinner tonight, graduation tomorrow, that's it.

So, I just really want this to go well.

He has unreasonably high standards.

So why am I looking at a bottle of wine with a screw off top?

Because screw tops are in right now.

Don't you listen to NPR?

I just want my dad to like you.

Don't worry. Just relax.

He's gonna like me. He's gonna love me, actually.

You know, I can charm rich people really easily 'cause all you got to do is bring up the play Hamilton.

Seriously, rich people love that. I don't know if the Illuminati is real, but if so, "Hamilton" is definitely the password to get into their meetings.

Look, I think it's gonna take a little bit more than Hamilton to impress my dad. He is impossible to please.

You know, all through school I got straight A's until the tenth grade... I got my first B and he took away my car for a month.

Whoa, whoa.

You had a car in tenth grade?

It was used.

Okay, make and model, right now. And I'm making eye contact with you, so don't lie to me.

It was a BMW 325.

You were such an abused child, Maxine.

(knocking)

Oh, my God, they should make a sequel to Precious based off your life.

We should tell Syrian refugees your story so they won't want to come here anymore.

Okay, just open the door.

Okay, one more. You're the American Malala.

Maxine, is your rich daddy here yet?

How are you, sweetie?

Uh...

I want to ask him how much money he got, 'cause I'm curious.

Don't do that.

No, I'm gonna do it.

No, no. As a reminder, rich people don't like being called rich to their face.

That's why we came up with the term upper middle class.

(chuckles) Now, Maxine, we know that your dad is gonna probably give you a big, fancy graduation gift.

But we didn't want to compete with that, so I decided to give you three sincere hugs.

Here's the first one.

Oh.

Oh, God, that feels so good.

Ooh! Yes, I know.

That's why I don't go around just giving those things out.

That was from me, too.

Hey, y'all.

We are ready for our free steak dinner.

Again, Bobby, the dinner's not free.

I'm paying for it.

Well, Jerrod, look, just a heads-up. I'm gonna do that thing where I go grab my wallet and say, "Oh, man, no... you got it last time. Allow me."

But just know that's just a empty gesture I do in front of company.

Do not take me up on that offer.

So, I know Jerrod said that we can't ask how much money your rich daddy got, but, um, what does he do?

Uh, he's in commercial real estate.

Commercial real estate?

Ooh, la, la.

Wait, is your mom coming, Maxine?

Well, if my memory serves me correctly, Maxine's mom is bogged down in booze and-and pills and refuses to be in a room with Maxine's dad since the divorce.

Did I get it right?

Is that's why she's not here?

Did I get it right?

Yeah, pretty much.

Hey, honey, good memory.

Yeah, that multi-vitamin is just paying for itself.

Okay, um, I'm gonna go finish getting ready.

But don't let that stop you from talking about my dysfunctional family.

Okay.

You know, her cousin is in jail on a hit and run.

Look... Look, all right?

This dinner is really important to Maxine, so when we get to the restaurant don't talk about how expensive the menu is, and nobody's gonna split a steak to save money, and nobody is gonna order a red wine with Coke in it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look here, Jerrod, it's called a Calimocho and they drink it in Spain.

Yeah.

You think you better than the Spanish, Jerrod? Huh?

Yes.

I don't like this special effort we're having to give this man just because he's rich.

Well, of course rich people get special treatment.

They earned it. sh**t, if I'm driving and somebody cuts me off in traffic in a Mercedes, I don't even get mad.

I just say to myself that is a Mercedes man and he's probably got Mercedes things to do.

Go on with your day.

But, now... say you cut me off in traffic driving a Civic, well, I'm gonna lay on the horn, and I will thr*aten you with some v*olence.

Why you going in a hurry in your damn Civic?!

You ain't got no place to be.

(knocking)

Oh, he's here.

Oh, I'm gonna say "charmed" when I meet him.

Rich people love to say "charmed" when they greet each other.

(chuckles) Hi, Dad.

Charmed.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

I'm sorry I'm a little late.

They tried to force a Prius on me at the car rental place.

If I wanted a golf cart, I would've asked for one.

Oh, that's okay. Uh, this is my boyfriend, Jerrod.

Hey.

You're white.

Uh...

Yeah. Yeah, I really lucked out there.

Now, Maxine, I've been making jokes about your daddy all this time 'cause I figured he was the black one.

You never hear about white men marrying black women, except for, um... that Robert De Niro and Ebert.

George Lucas.

Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Wait, do you have to have a billion dollars to be white and marry a black woman?

Oh, my God.

Okay, Mr. North Hamilton... let's talk about it.

Hamilton, the, uh, play? That's an odd thing to just randomly bring up.

Yeah, yeah, but you saw it, right?

What did you think? You like it?

It was the most incredible experience of my life.

I sat right next to Josh Groban all night as tears went down his face.

See, Maxine? Everything's gonna be great.

(can cracks open)

Maxine's dad, can I interest you in a Calimocho?

♪ ♪

So, uh, Grant. Commercial real estate, huh?

That's right.

I'm in the moving business, so there's a little bit of crossover there, you know.

(clears throat) See, I move furniture into buildings, and you sell those buildings.

So, how much money you really got?

Dad! No.

Cynthia, uh, Maxine has told me a lot about you.

Has she?

Well, I have plenty to say about her, too.

Um... uh, Dad, do you want some wine?

Sure.

Grant, tell us something embarrassing about Maxine so we can tease her.

Well, let's see. Uh, when she was young she, uh, sucked her thumb. Only way we could get her to stop was to tell her someone was gonna cut it off with big, sharp scissors. (chuckles)

You know, like... in the... the nursery rhyme.

What the hell nursery rhyme is that?

It's German. They used to read it to us in the foster home.

I like you.

Yeah, the Germans really know how to get a point across, huh?

Maxine, listen, I-I can't wait until tomorrow to give you your graduation gift. You got to open it now.

Is it a ticket to go around the world?

'Cause I'd love to see Maxine take a trip around the world.

Wait, you got me a job interview?

To be the psychologist at a prestigious private school in Charlotte. It's a good job for a starter city.

Truth be told, the interview's just a formality. The job is already yours, honey.

Congratulations.

Oh...

Happy graduation.

Uh, well, I appreciate what you're trying to do here, Dad, but, um, I already have a job lined up.

I'm gonna be a county social worker.

Ugh, county?

Grant: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that-that sounds like community service.

Did you get a DUI? Why didn't you call me?

You know I can get those things erased.

Uh, thank you, but I-I'm gonna be a social worker.

Maxine, now, I'm sure there were a lot of people who were way more qualified than you that your daddy had to bump out of the way in order for you to get this job.

And I think it's a little inconsiderate for you not to step on they heads on your way up to the top.

Well, that's not the job that I want.

Hon, I didn't pay for seven years of college for you to go into social work.

Maxine, you went to college for seven years just to explain how to use a EBT card to single mothers?

It's just like a debit card. It's not that hard.

Whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on.

Just because Maxine is taking a potentially dangerous job with the county and passing up on a maybe lucrative job that's high-paying... is it... It is high-paying, right?

Well, it starts at $70,000.

Starts? Good gracious.

Uh, just because she's turning that down doesn't mean it's a bad decision.

I support you, Maxine, no matter what.

You know, one of the hardest things a parent has to do is to smile as they watch their children make terrible mistakes.

Go ahead, smile.

You're not smiling.

I'm sorry, but is your family gonna comment on everything we say?

No, we're just gonna sit here and politely mind our own business.

Look, Dad, thank you so much for paying for my education.

But just because I'm grateful doesn't mean I owe you.

Oh, yes, you do.

You are an investment, okay?

I spent time and money on you. I expect you to capitalize on the opportunities I provide.

It's called love, sweetheart.

Dad, I don't just want to help rich private school kids.

I want to help people in the real world.

You don't live in the real world.

You live in a protected bubble that I created for you.

I'm gonna be very disappointed if you turn this job down.

Why does your love always have to have conditions?

Conditional love is what drives people to succeed.

Why do you think I'm a success?

It's because my father withheld as much love as humanly possible.

I had to earn it.

Do you think I would have bought that bastard a house if he just loved me no matter what?

Well, the Carmichaels love their sons unconditionally.

Well, hold on, now, hold on.

I think Grant is onto something here.

Boys, you're both unlovable... now, go out and make a bunch of money and buy me a big house.

Grant: How do you intend to earn a living as a social worker?

Not everything is about money.

Well, that's easy for you to say when I've been paying your bills your whole life.

Maybe it's time for that to stop.

Let you and your live-in boyfriend figure out what the real world costs.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, now, you-you know what I think, Grant?

I think that we're saying a lot of things we don't mean because we're hungry.

Let's just go to the restaurant, get a couple steaks in that belly, then we'll decide who pays what bill later.

You know what, Dad?

Keep your money. I'm making my own decisions now, and I don't need you and your judgment hanging over my head.

Really? So then I guess you won't need this, right?

This is a $10,000 check for your final school payment.

Now, I get that you want to be independent, but you are not ready.

No.

I'm ready.

(gasping)

Oh. I wasn't ready.

And you know what, if you're not gonna support me and my decisions, I don't see any reason for you to even be here.

Really? Well, then I... guess there's not anything else to talk about.

I guess not.

(sighs heavily)

Good luck on your graduation tomorrow.

Come here, sweetie.

Oh, come on.

Only one more to go.

I can't believe I tore up a $10,000 check.

And that I stood up to my dad.

Yeah, that was, uh... that was something, Maxine.

What?

What's so bad about being a therapist at a private school?

I mean, think about, like, all the rich people that need help, too.

Think about Kim Kardashian, Khloe, uh, K... uh, Kourtney...

Rob.

Then you move on to your Jenners... you got your Kylies, your Kendalls...

Actually, Kendall's fine.

You're right, Kendall is fine.

Look, I know that this is hard... but I'm 28 years old and I have never made one decision without worrying about what my dad thinks.

And it feels kind of amazing.

Yes, all of that. But also, I don't have an extra $10,000.

Well, I don't expect you to pay for this.

I'm-I'm gonna get, like, a night job.

Maxine, if a night job could get you a quick ten grand, then the whole one percent would be made up entirely of Waffle House employees.

Yeah, I could work at Waffle House.

I mean, I'm... I'm pleasant.

And I, uh... and I could wear my hair up in a little knot, and I can call people "hon."

Yeah, you know, I'm gonna go check their job listings.

Maxine, it'll never work... your teeth are too nice.

(knocking)

Oh, my God, Grant, thank God you're back in our lives.

I'm gonna go get Maxine.

No, no, no, no. I-I really wanted to talk to you for a second.

Would you mind stepping out in the hall with me?

Okay.

(sighs)

Look, you-you seem like a logical young man.

You guys clearly need the money.

Yeah, yeah, but we'll find a way, Grant.

How? Seriously, you have no means, you didn't go to college, you live in an apartment... whatever money you do have is clearly going to your shoes.

Thank you.

Yeah. So... here's what I want to do.

I'm gonna make you out a check, and you cover that bill for Maxine, because right now she's just being so stubborn that she doesn't know what I'm doing is for the best.

But look, Maxine's made it pretty clear that we can't take the money.

She's made her decision, and I support her.

Okay, Jerrod, but when you realize that that high horse that you're riding doesn't pay anything, come to my hotel room...

I'll give you the money.

And just know that this offer expires when I leave town tomorrow morning.

Damn. It's like a scene from Chinatown.

Hey, y'all.

All right, so get this.

Grant came back to the house, and then he offered me $10,000, but he said if I want it, I got to go by his hotel room.

Well, you're a good-lookin' boy.

Nekeisha: I don't know, I think it's kind of weird that he would want to sleep with his daughter's boyfriend, but, you know... rich people want what they want and they gets what they get.

That is not what's happening, Nekeisha.

Mm-hmm.

Does Maxine know about this?

No, I haven't told her.

If she knew, she'd be really upset.

I think maybe we should take the money for her own good.

Jerrod, do not take a dime of that man's money.

He wants something from you. He was trying to buy Maxine.

Now he's trying to buy you, too.

Well, what's so bad about that?

Is, uh, doing something you don't want to do just for a check considered being bought? Because if so, I'm being bought every other Thursday.

I'm doing a job I can't stand, working for a boss I don't like, yet every time I cash that check, I never heard you say... (like Cynthia): "Your principles are worth more than that, Joe."

See, Bobby can't be bought.

Well, good for you, son.

Now, Bobby can be leased.

Yeah.

For $10,000, man, I'll do whatever you want.

But just for a limited time.

I'm like a Shamrock Shake.

I'm trying to think of something I wouldn't do for $10,000.

I want to say betray my country, but $10,000!

Whoo!

Maybe I'm looking too far into this whole thing.

Maybe he really just wants to help his daughter, and that's the end of it.

Think about it, Jerrod, why would he be offering you the money when he can just send it directly to the school?

It's a test. It's a power play.

That man is like a villain in a soap opera, and I have seen enough Erica Kane to know when something is loaded!

Now, if you go and get that money, then you owe him.

Now, you think you can live with that?

Listen to me, son.

There's only a few times in life when someone shows up and has an immediate cure to all of your money problems.

Do the right thing.

Sell your soul.

(gasps)

Jerrod. I had a feeling I might be seeing you.

What do you want from me, Grant?

I really just want what's best for my daughter.

Yeah, yeah, but you're not giving her the money, you're trying to give me the money.

So if I take it... what do you want in return?

I want you to... k*ll my ex-wife.

Really?

Oh, my God, are you willing to do that?

N-No, but... I could make a few calls.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No.

N-Nobody's k*lling anyone. I-I...

Well, what's all of this about?

Is this a test or something?

(sighs)

You know, I have never had this much trouble giving away $10,000.

What is going on?

Jerrod, I thought you would be the clearheaded one, but you are just as confused as she is.

Why is everybody determined to defy me?

Because we're our own people, Grant. I feel like this is the first time you haven't been able to buy whatever you want.

(sighs) I'm just... I'm confused about Maxine.

She used to... value my opinion and-and... seek out my guidance.

Grant, a person that you can buy and tell what to do isn't the same person you respect.

And for the first time in her life, Maxine realizes she doesn't just want your money, she wants your respect.

Okay, okay, I get it.

She's an adult, and she wants to be seen as an equal.

And one day, if she makes it on her own two feet, uh... maybe I can get there.

That's all she's asking for.

Well... I'm really glad we talked.

Yeah.

And you know what?

If my daughter has to spend the rest of her life with somebody, she could do a lot worse than you, my friend.

(chuckles): Now, now... hold on there, Grant.

Uh, Maxine is the one that needs your respect.

I don't really care what you think about me. I mean, we just met, you live out of town, you're not even coming to the graduation, so what's your respect gonna do for me?

Thanks for the check, Grant.

What are you doing here?

Look, Maxine, I came to get the money from your dad.

I sold my integrity so you could keep yours.

Oh, thank God.

Maxine, Cynthia and I didn't want to give you money, what with how it makes you go crazy and all, so... here. (clears throat)

Now, I know you're about to take that county job, so we got you some Mace, a r*pe whistle, and some brass knuckles.

Mm-hmm.

You know, they can really deescalate a situation.

Yeah, especially if that situation happens in 1975.

(laughs) Thank you, Joe.

Here, Maxine. You're gonna like my gift way better.

It's a half ounce of weed, but don't weigh it.

Thank you, Nekeisha.

Here, Maxine.

Okay.

"World's Greatest Graduate."

Oh, thank you, Bobby.

Because, you know, you just graduated, so...

And I think you're the greatest... so I got you a cup that says "World's Greatest Graduate."

Come on.

Wow.

Well, having you guys all there today, and, um, this party...

I've just never had that kind of support, and I just...

Shh...

Come on.

Mm...

(chuckles)

Mm.

Done.