01x07 - The Road

[bunniefuu]

Man: You don't seem to have a strong relationship with your wife.

Excuse me?

Our relationship is rock-solid.

You lied to her about getting fired.

You lied to her about the real reason you were going on vacation, which was to get your job back.

Do you tell your wife everything?

I do.

[Scoffs] Bullshit.

No, I can't get diapers, babe.

Because I am in the middle of a federal investigation with public enemy number one.

Because he left a trail of bodies about 6 miles long, that's why.

[Lowered voice] It's not you. I'm just joking.

[Normal voice] All right. Okay. I'll be home soon.

I love you. Bye.

[Touchscreen clicks]

I'm so sorry. Where were we?

He's lying to his wife.

Oh, that's bad.

I love my wife very much.

[Romantic music playing]

Hey, I'm Nate.

Hi, Nate. Nice to meet you.

[Both laugh]

I know this may be a little forward, but...

I would love to take you out.

Wow.

[Smacks]

Both: Ohh! [Laughing]

I'm getting you!

Aah! Stop, Nate!

♪♪

[Panting] I think I love you.

I do.

♪♪

[Sniffles]

And that is how we met.

That's not actually how you remember it, is it?

[Horns honking and blaring]

Everything I just said was true.

If you hadn't used our names, I wouldn't have recognized the story.

What are you talking about?

[Cellphone rings]

Who... who is this?

[Ring]

Hello?

Hello, Nathaniel.

Who is this?

It's Vanessa.

Who is it?

It's work.

I just wanna let you know that your very important package will be in Orlando soon.

Orlando?

That's not... The shipping arrangement that we agreed upon.

We said Fort Lauderdale, 'cause that's where I'll be.

Sorry. Plans change.

I'm on the lam with my angel...

[Whispers] Caleb.

Gonna need a little more context on that.

He's the lead singer of Sacrificial Jam.

They're, like, Richmond's fifth best conviction rock band.

That's not the context I was looking for.

Okay, I'll drop a pin. Bye!

Wait.

Can we talk a little more about your selective memory?

I don't lie.

Okay. What's wrong?

It's work.

Work is a stupid idiot.

Man: ♪ Somewhere behind the mountains ♪
♪ There is a place I figured out... ♪

[Music warps, rewinds]

[Whirring sound]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Siren wailing]

Man: You see that sign? Don't touch the driver.

Hey, put your phone down next time!

[Horns honking and blaring]

Man: Not my fault.

All I'm saying is that sometimes maybe you forget details, and then you make up stories that are better than what actually happened.

Yes, it's called storytelling because truth-telling sucks.

No, it doesn't.

Yes, it does.

Human beings can't handle the whole truth.

Yes, we can.

[Romantic music playing]

Whoa!

[Chuckles] You are rock-solid.

[Exhales]

Oh. Mnh.

Ow. What's wrong with you? Why are you biting me?

[Whispers] Haven't had my lunch yet.

Then go get a sandwich.

Ooh. I love finger food.

What are you doing?

Shh.

No. What are you doing? What are you doing?

Unclench.

What are you... what?

Come on, just let me in there.

No! Get out of there.

Stop being a little bitch!

It hurts.

Unclench!

Why would you do this?

Ahh.

What's wrong with you?

Ooh!

[Whispering] I know something that'll loosen you up.

[Plastic rustles]

Ah!

What the...

Where was that?

What? You said you like to party.

How is this a party?

[Organ playing]

Oh, right.

Let's do it on the casket.

No!

What is wrong with you?

Your loss.

♪♪

Hey, hey, hey. Where'd you get that?

That dude just gave it to me.

I'm sorry. She was so young.

We used to surf together.

She would've wanted me to dress like this.

[Whispers indistinctly]

[Romantic music playing]

Hey.

Hi.

I'm Nate.

Hi. Uh, nice to meet you. Um, you're a piece of sh*t.

Like, a real piece of sh*t.

So why don't you take your board shorts and your flip-flops and your piece of sh*t face, and get the hell out of here before I have to call the cops?

Okay, lady, relax. Okay, it's not my fault.

I met your loser friend at a bar, and she asked me to come to a party.

How is this a party?

That's what I said!

[Moaning]

Oh, my god. What a sh*t show.

Looks like someone didn't get enough love from daddy.

That's my sister.

That's not your sister.

That's my half-sister.

She looks nothing like you.

Her mom's an... idiot.

Well... yeah.

[Continues moaning]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up.

The sh*t show was aunt Vanessa? And you made out with her?

I didn't make out with her. She stuck her finger up my...

No, whoa, whoa! What... don't tell her that.

What? You wanted the truth, and the truth is that when your aunt is wasted, which is pretty much every single day, she'll make out with anybody with a mouth.

Robin: No, that's not true.

[Lid creaks]

So who's funeral was it?

It doesn't matter.

Of course it matters. She was a close family friend.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

What was her name?

Beth.

Be...

Becky?

Beth?

Becky? Becky.

Bethanny. Is that...

Uh, Beckanny.

Beckanny something or other.

That's not a name.

Okay, well, whatever.

What I do remember is that she was bipolar, which led to anxiety, which led to prescriptions...

Mom! Mom! Dad's right. Nobody cares.

[Vanessa moaning] Oh!

I hate this story.

Yeah. Keep going.

[Organ continues playing]

Come on. Come on. I didn't get your name.

That's 'cause I didn't give it to you.

Would you just stop for a second?

Ohh.

All right, look, I think you are smokin' hot, and I'd love to take you out.

Wow. You stole flowers from a dead person.

She's not gonna miss 'em.

You know, that's really disrespectful to poor what's-her-name.

Damn it. What was her name?

Look, when we tell our kids this story, they're gonna want to know that you took the flowers.

You're right.

Well, that's...

Mmm, that's a salty finger.

Oh, buddy.

Buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, I would not do that if I were you.

[Mouth full] Mind your business, bro.

Yeah, that was... up in my business.

What, are you jealous?

No, "jealous" is not the word I would use.

Hey, get this sh*t away from my sister.

Well, it's not hers.

That's not mine.

Yeah, but I don't want it.

I want it!

No. It's cocaine.

I know it's cocaine.

I don't...

Oh, I love cocaine!

Please just take it.

What do I look like, a cokehead?

I don't wanna do it. It's not my cocaine.

I understand, but I'm going with her. You're not, so why don't you get rid of it?

I don't care who you're going with.

[Tinkling]

[Laughing]

Holy sh*t, that's a lot of coke.

Ohh. It's, like, $5,000 worth of coke.

That's, like, 15 years in prison worth of coke.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

I'm late for a funeral! Bye-ee!

[Both groan]

[Snorts] Oh, my nose is burning. Is your nose burning?

My nose is on fire, but it feels really good.

Oh, my god, I feel great.

I feel like someone shoved a cup of coffee up my nose.

Yeah, I kinda feel like I wanna work out. Do you work out?

Of course I work out. Check it out.

Oh, wow.

Right. Hey, what's your favorite city?

I really like Boston.

I could totally live in Boston.

And they have great Indian food.

Oh, I love ethnic food!

[Whispers] Right?

You know what else is great?

What?

Music.

Oh, my god. I love music! It's so good, right?

Oh, my god, you should see my CD collection.

Do you read?

I can read.

Oh, reading's the best. I love books.

Books are the best!

Wait. You're not a Bruins fan, are you?

What's a Bruin?

It's a bear.

[Both moaning]

[Romantic music playing]

[Both continue moaning]

Hey, do you wanna see my place?

I would love to see your place.

I got a really great place.

I really wanna go back to your place.

Let's go to my place.

I love your place!

Let's go.

Okay.

♪♪

Man: ♪ it's time to grow up, you're daddy's little girl ♪

Are we doing it?

Oh, god, yeah, we're doing it.

Where we gonna do it?

Oh, let's do it on the chair!

No, let's do it on the bed. It's so much more comfortable.

[Grunts]

[Thud]

Hey, what's your name again?

Ew! You didn't even know her name?

What is wrong with you?!

And that is why we don't tell the whole truth.

I think I love you.

Oh, if that's a line, you don't need it.

That's not a line.

Well, then you need to grow a pair of balls.

I got a big set of balls, and I love you.

How? You've known me for two days.

Doesn't mean I can't feel it.

Oh, just shut up and stick it in.

Okay.

Oh, my god. We don't need to know this.

Skip to post-coital, please.

Thank you.

Nate: Okay, I'll be good to go in another five.

Man, whoever wedgied mom got her good.

Don't let him look at that.

Can I see another one?

No!

Too much?

Yeah, it was too... well, it's different.

Ah!

It's ocular. It's different.

Mnh, it's not.

So listen, I haven't exactly been the most honest with you.

Okay, wait, before you continue, I just need you to know that I really hate liars.

My dad's pathological, and I hate my dad.

[Inhales deeply] Continue.

Well, remember when I said I design roller coasters?

Mm-hmm.

What I meant to say is, I-I-I really like roller coasters.

Yeah, I figured.

This doesn't really look like the apartment of a roller coaster designer.

Right. [Chuckles]

Yeah.

So what do you do?

[Pops lips]

I don't... What's... [pops lips]

I play hockey.

Oh. Sorry. Um... no.

What I meant was, what is your job?

[Pops lips]

I play hockey.

[Laughing]

Okay.

It's not funny. I play hockey.

Oh.

[Whistle blows]

[Shouts]

Whoo!

♪♪

[Crowd cheering]

You didn't play hockey!

Yes, I did!

You can barely skate!

He was a goon.

Uhh!

[Cheering]

I was an enforcer!

He basically just fought people.

'Cause that's what g*ons do!

That's awesome!

I wanna go to goon school when I grow up!

There's no school for it.

You just have to have a keen sense of right versus wrong!

[Loud thud, squish]

Oh.

Crowd: Ohh!

[Muffled voice] And a rock for a head.

It kind of made him who he is today.

You know what? It actually did.

[Sticks clatter]

[Scattered booing]

It taught me loyalty!

It taught me to protect the ones I love!

[Crowd continues shouting indistinclty]

It taught me to do the right thing...

Even if it's unpopular!

Uhh!

Man: Whoa!

[Crowd booing, whistle blowing]

Woman: Get off the ice!

[Booing continues]

You suck, Ithaca! You suck! You suck!

What I meant to ask is, what do you do for money?

Oh.

I got a part-time job at this biotech pharma company.

I don't really know what they do.

Well, that's sounds workable.

I could use some stability in my life.

Yeah, I'm not gonna be there for long. I'm going pro.

Boom!

Uh, hey, Nate?

Yeah?

Did you take off the condom?

Well, I remember the sex was amazing.

And it got way more amazing for a minute.

W-what? I thought you took it off.

Why would I take it off?

I don't know. Feel little Nate?

Yeah, I felt a little Nate, but...

It's bigger than that.

Mm.

Do you see anything?

There's definitely something up there.

Looks like a lot of liquid.

Well, what color is it?

It's white and cream liquid.

Uh, what should I do?

You should probably try and get it out.

What do you want me to do, use my finger?

You could use your tongue.

Oh, I think I love you.

A Magnum?!

What?

You... are not... a Magnum!

Hey, it worked the first six times!

Why would you even buy magnums?!

Same reason I don't like tight pants, okay?

[Exhales sharply]

Relax. It's gonna be fine.

All right, I'm gonna ask you a favor.

You seem like just the boring, stable person I need in my life right now, so I'm gonna ask you two things...

Don't ever lie to me and don't ever, ever tell me to relax.

Okay, fine, rela...

Oh!

All right. Okay. I'm not a Magnum.

It's okay. I'm not ovulating anyway.

Then what are you complaining about?

It fell off 'cause his penis is too small!

You know that's genetic, right?

You're genetic.

I know.

You admitted it!

[Pops]

Oh, man. What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?

We don't have to decide right now.

We'll, um, we'll think about it and we'll weigh the options, and I will make the decision.

♪♪

What decision?

You brought it up, not me.

Um...

[Romantic music playing]

[Heartbeats whooshing]

I don't know if I'm ready for this.

Or am I? Am I?

I don't know. I barely know you. Are you?

I don't know. Maybe? I mean, this is really scary.

I know. And twins? That's super scary.

I know. What do you do with twins?

I think you stick one on each titty.

And then you say stupid sh*t like that, and it really makes me not wanna do this with you!

What else you wanna do?

Delilah: I'm really confused right now.

You were pregnant.

Yep.

So what was there to decide?

Well, I had to make a choice.

Whether you were gonna have a boy or a girl?

No.

What color hair I was gonna have?

Um... [sighs] I had to make a choice, uh...

About whether or not I was gonna keep you.

You were thinking about giving us up for adoption?!

No, not exactly.

Well, who was gonna be our mom and dad?

Ooh. [Groans]

I had to, uh, make a choice a-about whether or not I wanted to take a-a trip to the...

Um, Europe.

That's what you're going with?

[Whispers] Yeah.

See, there... there are a lot of women, who, um, find themselves in a position where they feel like they have to choose between being a mom and going to Europe, and... and it's a... it's a very, very serious decision and one that should never be taken lightly.

And make no mistake, every woman deserves the right to choose... Europe if she so desires.

[Voice breaking] But just know this...

Every time I look at you...

I am so thankful that I decided to stay in Syracuse.

[Romantic music playing]

[Slurping]

That was beautiful.

So your mother gave up a trip to Europe, and I gave up a hockey career for you guys.

You didn't give up a hockey career.

Yes, I did.

And we both made the right choice.

Did you ever go to Europe?

Just once. Last year of high school.

What?

Oh, is that too much truth?

So when did you get married?

Um...

You wanna take this one or should I?

I think it's your turn.

Cameron Ernst: ♪ come on, come on ♪

[Bowling pins clatter]

Boom! Whoo!

♪ come on, come on ♪

Babe, did you see that?

[Mouth full] Mnh-mnh.

Did you see that, babe?

Yeah, that was aw... yeah.

That's one. That's one. Check it out.

If I make this, we're gonna be together forever.

♪ Double dare ♪
♪ I'm on a roller coaster flying to the... ♪

Ah!

[Bowling ball thuds]

Did you see that?

No, I missed it. Nope.

I made it.

[Mouth full] You're so good.

Hey, excuse me? Hey, can I get two beers, please? Yeah. Great.

Hey, how many times do I have to tell you?

These two don't drink.

Yeah, that's why I only ordered two.

Come on, you're up.

And they can't bowl. What are we doing here?

'Cause you said you were a bowling alley kinda girl, not a fancy restaurant kinda girl.

I say that to all the broke guys.

Look, all that matters is that we're together...

My hemorrhoids are really bad right now.

And that we are a team.

Ow. Why are you saying weird things? You're talking weird.

'Cause I-I've got something to say.

Do you have cancer?

No. No. No, no, no.

Look, I don't want us to split.

I want us to strike, every time, like a... ball in a...

I wrote this when I thought you liked bowling.

I don't.

I know.

Just watch.

Okay.

Ready?

[Pins clatter]

Ta-da!

[Calling]

Babe.

[Mouth full] Good job.

No, look up.

Mm-hmm.

Baby?

Robin!

[High-pitched voice] Vanessa!

Hey!

Hi!

What is she doing here?

I've got something to tell you.

[Gasps] Oh, good. What is it?

Do you remember Sharon?

Yeah! I love Sharon.

Hey, I'm in the middle of something.

Oh, my god! Why would you interrupt me when I'm trying to tell my sister the most important thing that has ever happened in my life?!

Seriously, Nate! Go play bowling!

But, Babe...

♪ I'm gonna let you know ♪

I'm gay!

[Gasps loudly] Shut up!

Yes!

Oh, my god! That's great!

I mean, I'm still getting used to the whole having sex with a woman part...

Mm-hmm.

But emotionally, we just really clicked.

You know, we go to the movies and we talk at the café for hours.

Sounds like you just made a new friend.

Why would you say that?

I'm sorry. You know I support all choices, but...

It's not a choice.

No.

I was born this way.

I know it's not a choice for actual lesbians, but for flighty attention seekers, it's very much a choice.

You're a h*m*.

No, I'm a Vanessa-phobe.

[Voice breaks] Here I am, coming out of the closet, pouring my heart on my sleeve...

You're pouring your heart on your sleeve?

That's a thing she does.

And you're spewing hate at me.

How long did her lesbian phase last?

About a month.

Lame.

Tell me about it.

Well, at least he can't completely ruin your life.

What does that mean?

You can't marry her, dumb-ass.

Well...

If she would have me, I would love...

Oh, my god! I'm so proud of you!

I'm gay!

You're so... you're so gay!

I'm so excited!

And now you're a lesbian!

Aah!

You're gonna have a gay sister!

I know! Finally! So proud of you.

I feel at soul with the rainbow.

You were gonna propose to me that night?

I was down on my knees a few times.

Oh, my god. Vanessa.

God, what a sh*t show!

Mm-hmm.

She really is.

[Exhales sharply]

So when did you wind up proposing?

[Both laugh]

Oh, that's, uh...

Complicated.

Yeah.

[Romantic music playing]

And do you, sir, take Robin to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Sí.

And do you, Robin, take Carlos as your lawfully wedded husband?

I-I do.

Then I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Oh.

[Both chuckle]

Who the hell is Carlos?

He's our real dad. Keep up.

I married him so that I could help him get his green card, and he paid for my college.

It was just a ceremony and a few I.N.S. Meetings.

Wait. So you guys aren't actually married?

Nope.

No, I couldn't find Carlos to get the annulment before you guys arrived, so we never really got around to doing it.

So why do you wear rings?

They're promise rings.

A promise that we made to each other, that we would someday get it together and actually get married... Which we will. Someday we will.

Will we?

Jared: I can't believe you're not married.

I can't believe you two are still together.

You guys are the sh*t shows!

What about us? I mean, we're bastards!

A piece of paper isn't the important thing.

It's not.

No.

Wait. So my dad's a goon, my mom's a liar, and I'm a bastard?

And I almost went to Europe?

What's next? Is my name even Jared?

Of course it is.

Well, technically...

Now?

Why not?

Okay.

[Opens compartment]

What are you talking about?

[Sighs] I don't wanna do it.

[Closes compartment]

Jareb?!

Yeah, listen, you know, your dad hadn't gotten a lot of sleep when he filled out the birth registration.

My name's jareb?!

Just on all your official documents, yes.

[Whispers] What?

Just for the record, my actual name is Jareb?

Yeah. But you know what, honey? It's fine. We can change it.

No, you cannot! This is my choice!

My choice is to keep it, because it's the truth!

I am Jareb!

I can't handle any more truth!

Exactly. We finally understand.

Now with that said, we have to take a tiny detour to Orlando.

What?

No more questions, right?

Oh, wait. You're joking, right? Why are we going to Orlando?

I can't tell you.

Yes, you can.

No, I can't.

Have you not learned anything in the last 20 minutes?

We don't tell each other every little detail that's rattling around in our brains.

Hold on. Is this the reason we didn't fly?

This is the reason we're driving?

[Horns honking in distance]

[Door handle clacks]

Oh, babe, come on.

Get back in the car, please.

That's it. I'm out.

Oh. You know what?

This pretending to leave thing is getting a little old.

Oh, I'm not pretending.

This is bad.

I hope they don't get a divorce.

Tell me what's going on right now.

I can't.

Guess what, kids?

We're gonna rent a car and we're gonna go home. Come on.

Robin, come on.

I asked you for two things.

One, don't ever lie to me. Always be honest and...

Babe, relax!

Bye. Come on.

Does this mean we're choosing to live with mom now?

Shut up, Jareb.

But I'm just saying. Dad's place could have a pool.

[Romantic music playing]

[Radio chatter]

[Horns honking and blaring]

♪♪

Babe, listen to me, please. I'm doing this for you.

O-okay, everything I do, I do for you guys!

Babe, please, I'm sorry! No!

[Cellphone clatters]

Aah! sh*t!

Man: Come on, move out of the way!

[Horns honking and blaring]

And I'm sorry your stupid sh*t show of a sister decided to meet me three hours away in Florida!

[Honking and blaring continues]

Man: Aw, come on! Push it to the side!

Woman: Come on! Move your car out of the way!

[Honking and blaring continues]

Man: Whatchu doin' there?