04x19 - Got Backslide

[bunniefuu]

Well, I think this was a pretty successful first outing of the Shulman & Associates Musical Theater Appreciation Society.

Do you think so? Do you think it was?

Because I paid a fortune for two "Hamilton" tickets and you got us kicked out in the first act by climbing up on stage to freestyle.

It is not my fault.

All of the non-white people were doing it.

They were the cast! You know what?

Waiter, can we get the check, please?

That's been taken care of for you, sir.

Someone already paid for your meal.

Oh.

Okay.

Cool, thanks. Let's get out of here.

Well, no, don't you want to find out who paid for us?

Okay, this has happened before.

We need to get the hell out of here before they realize I'm not CeeLo Green, okay?

Okay.

Let's ghost.

Okay, obviously, we have to find out who paid for the meal, Mindy.

[phone buzzing]

You're welcome for dinner, beautiful.

Oh, my God, they're texting me.

[phone buzzes]

I'll give you a hint. He's a studly dude from your past.

My SAT tutor is buying us dinner.

I'm way hotter than your SAT tutor, babe.

Look straight ahead, dummy!

Mic drop.

[utensil clatters]

[hip-hop music]

Hi!

What up, Min?

Hey.

How are you?

Looking good. Whoa, Jeremy!

Look like you dropped some LBs, man.

Thank you for noticing.

Yes, nobody understands my struggle.

It... it's one man against his food but with his food.

Yeah, and Mindy, you look great.

What?

Yeah, motherhood definitely suits you.

Thank you very much.

Yeah.

I found that motherhood really kind of, like, stretched me out in, like, all the right places.

But not down there.

Super good to know.

What are you doing here?

My shoe company, Dope Feat, we're opening a flagship store here in NYC, so it's 'bout to be the b*mb.

[laughs]

Only two white people are allowed in the store at one time. Apparently, that's legal.

You know, I actually saw some junior high kids wearing your sneakers, and I was like, "I slept with the guy who started that company."

Right.

[whistles]

Oh, these are my boys.

I've been hanging with my OG NYC crew lately.

Awesome. I like your vibe. Nice to meet you guys.

Uh, we've already met.

At you guys's kinda sorta wedding thing.

Yeah, got you guys a NutriBullet.

Never got it back.

That's right, I returned it for store credit 'cause I didn't like it.

I'm so sorry, of course, now I remember.

Mike, Garret, Althium.

My name's Marcus.

Marcus.

Marcus?

Both: Yeah.

I'm really feeling Althium for you.

Is that a pill?

That's not a name, for sure.

Could be that. I think maybe, like, we'll catch up another time. Let's get dinner and hang.

That would be so much fun.

Uh, yeah, I was thinking more of, like, a one-on-one thing.

Oh, right, yes. Yeah, yeah, sorry.

This is a bit awkward, Min. It's homies' night.

Me and Mindy.

Really?

No, okay.

Have fun. Good.

Guys, is this weird?

Casey's in back town and he asked me to dinner.

[sighs] You're always bursting up in here, talking about, "Hey, guys, is this weird?"

What about what's weird that's going on in our lives?

I keep seeing the number 16 everywhere.

The thing is, guys, I'm just still really attracted to his hot face and body, you know, and his business is taking off.

Maybe I should give him another sh*t, like America did with Chris Brown and wars in Iraq.

No, no, no, no, we're not doing that, okay?

You never get back with an ex, okay?

If they didn't like you with 20 dogs, they're not gonna like you with 40.

Yeah, it's a losing proposition, Mindy.

Eh, give him another sh*t.

He took care of things in the sack.

Thanks, Beverly. That's what I wanted to hear, so that's what I'm gonna listen to.

Guys, I'm gonna date Casey again.

Great work, everybody.

I think this is actually...

I think that's great.

You know what?

Just take my stuff and put it in my office.

Exes are trick...

[murmurs]

You know what, I'm gonna talk to her in private.

[whistling]

Someone's in a good mood, for dating a virgin.

Wait, how are you dating someone without having sex?

You can't take a plane flight without having sex.

We stayed up all night talking on her fire escape.

I asked about her hopes and dreams, and I really listened to what she said.

That's a first for me.

You know, I think a relationship is ab...

Good-bye, everybody.

Eh.

[whistling]

Oh, my God, Dr. L, stop everything.

Yeah, stop.

Wait, Tamra.

I'm writing a letter of complaint to Brookstone.

Their heated toilet seat b*rned my butt.

Don't look, don't look. I'm very embarrassed of it.

Okay, so you're well aware of my award-winning lifestyle blog, right?

"Tamra's Shade Shack"?

Are you kidding? I live my life by it.

I'm no longer number one in web traffic for New York City. Guess who's b*ating me?

"Celibacy and the City," the tell-all blog of a 30-something virgin.

Oh, my God, "Cosmo" recommended that I get into this site this spring.

Well, that and pegging. I only have time for one.

Obviously, I'm leaning towards pegging.

I think you should try pegging.

So in her newest post this morning, she's talking about her gentleman suitor, "Colonel Suspenders," who she stayed up all night talking with on her fire escape.

Does this sound familiar?

Oh... my God.

O... MG.

So you know what we have to do, right?

Uh, yeah, he's our friend.

We have to tell him what's going on.

Are you out of your mind? We're not gonna tell him so we can find out all about his love life.

Oh, yeah, 'cause Dr. K's the only one of y'all I don't have any blackmail info on.

You realize that meat sword's supposed to be shared by the whole restaurant.

Hmm. Okay, okay.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

You know, I miss this.

How long are you in town?

Actually, I'm moving to New York. Yeah.

L.A.'s just all these hot girls saying, "Yes, yes, yes," and you know, I had to get out of that.

Yeah, L.A.'s tough.

I was once tased in Katy Perry's driveway.

You know, it's so nice hanging out again.

For me, you, uh... were kind of the one that got away.

Me?

Yeah.

Really?

I've never been the one that got away.

I've been the one that won't go away, but...

No, look, for real.

You're the one who convinced me to chase my passions, and you always call me on my bull-sheezy, and...

Don't say "bull-sheezy." It's dumb.

See? That's what I've been missing.

So, Dope Feat's having a grand opening party.

Would you want to come?

Amber Rose is gonna drop her new line of Aqua Socks.

What? Me, invited to a party with celebrities?

Yeah.

Yes! Yes!

I would love to. Oh, my God, thank you.

Great.

[sighs]

I have to start my beauty regimen.

Do you think they do Brazilians at a Brazilian restaurant?

No.

I'm gonna ask.

I had a great time. The best part is, they let me keep this cool meat sword.

[whooshing]

Oh, no, I actually paid for that, so...

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Thank you.

This was actually one of the nicest dates I've been on in a long time.

Oh, you thought this was a date?

What?

Yeah, I thought this was a date.

It was hella romantic. You paid for dinner.

You're holding my hand. You keep calling me "babe."

Right, okay. Yeah.

Um, I can... I can see where you're coming from, babe.

Uh, Mindy.

And we're gonna go up and have sex.

I just... I can't date you again.

My friends really don't like you.

Ex-squeeze me?

Yeah, and they actually straight up hate it when you say that.

What? Okay, well, that's very shallow.

You also broke my heart and... kept the ring.

I sold it on eBay to try to get a Jacuzzi.

And that's way-baller you, and I've always appreciated that, but I just... I kind of made a promise to them that I wouldn't date you again.

Just come upstairs.

I had fun tonight, but I can't.

I'm sorry.

And I need the sword. That was, like, a G.

I was gonna use it for s'mores. Okay.

Stay tight.

And then I found out that my biological father is actually former...

Oh, my God! How was the date?

Um, it was the worst date in the history of dates.

Guys, Casey says he doesn't want to date me because his friends can't stand me.

Why is no one surprised?

Well, you are one of the few private citizens who's been denounced by the Jewish Anti-Defamation League.

You want to take off Rosh Hashanah, that's your New Year's, okay?

You can't then celebrate January 1st.

How many New Year's do you want?

You know I love you, but it's harder to get people to like you who you aren't paying.

Okay, that started nice. It took a real turn.

This is a conspiracy, guys. You're all insane.

I'm extremely well-liked.

Well, maybe the friends thing is just an excuse, you know, like when mother said she was allergic to hugs.

When he hugged me good-bye, I swore he had a half-chub.

I mean, you can fake love but you can't fake that.

You know, Dr. L, when you're dating a guy who's, like, hella crewed-up, you have to get in tight with the crew.

When I was dating George Clooney, I had to be BFF with Richard Kind.

She fixed me up with Richard. We still text.

I rarely say this, but guys, that was really useful.

If I want to get Casey to date me, I have to get Casey's friends to like me.

I'm gonna charm the pants off of those guys.

Ashley, voice-over: I like Colonel Suspenders, but can I keep going out with him?

His wardrobe's so boring. He might be too old-fashioned.

I'm starting to wish my gentleman caller were a little bit more of a gentleman baller.

Wow. Okay, say what you will about Ashley.

This is the best writing I've ever read.

I love Dr. K, but he does kind of dress like the old narrator in a play who comes out and explains the town.

I kind of feel bad going behind his back.

Nurses.

Oh, hey, ah!

Which pair of suspenders should I wear for my date?

Red implies power, but blue evokes the majesty of the sea.

Hmm. Maybe no suspenders at all.

[laughs] No suspenders.

Well, I suppose I could just wear a belt.

Or two belts, one over each shoulder.

Oh, see there?

I've just talked myself back into suspenders, so...

[chuckles]

All: Oh!

Oh, God!

Why you got to be so funny, Dr. K?

Now I've ruined your clothes, but it's okay, 'cause we can take you shopping for some new ones.

No, no, no, I don't like shopping.

I don't like shopping. I inherit all my clothing.

This jacket was worn by a juror from the Scopes Monkey Trial.

Okay, if you want clothes, I know just the alley.

No. I have a good idea. Let's go.

We'll go with her, whatever she says.

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪
♪ Wake up, wake up, good morning ♪

Wowza.

Mindy, thank you so much for inviting me to this party.

Of course.

I had to miss book club, but I was like, "Sorry, b*tches."

Don't talk about book club here, okay?

Understood.

Mindy, Jeremy, hey.

Oh, hey, Casey. Hi.

What's up? Good to see you.

Good to see you, man, hey.

'Sup?

Um, hey...

I'm gonna grab a drink.

I'm surprised to see you, you know, after what I said.

Oh. Oh, don't worry about it. I'd forgotten completely.

Just so you know, my friends aren't here.

That's great, because I have a five-step plan for winning over a guy's friends.

Step one: Befriend their girlfriends.

They actually don't have girlfriends.

Oh. Step one-A: Laugh in a way that showcases my breasts.

[laughs]

[hip-hop music]

♪ Time to make the club go up ♪

Step two: Talk sports and pretend you've seen "Die Hard."

"Die Hard" is actually my favorite Christmas movie.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Step three: sh*ts.

♪ Time to make the club go up ♪

Whoo!

Whoo!

Steps four and five: Double sh*ts.

♪ And it just goes on ♪

After all that, they'll be eating out of my hands.

Oh. Yeah, that works.

Show me around.

Yeah, check these shoes out over here.

[Marian Hill's "Got It"]

♪ I've got this thing, gonna blow your mind ♪
♪ Pulling your string ♪

Oh, do I look ridiculous?

I hid a go-bag of seersucker down the hall.

I'll... I'll go throw that on and come back in...

Relax.

My word.

I like it.

Relaxing.

A lot.

[dance music]

Something tells me you're a guy that likes musical theater.

Like musical theater? I'm obsessed with it.

I want to imprison musical theater in my phantom's lair and sing it "Music of the Night."

[laughs]

Hey!

I'm so sorry about Jeremy, he's kind of a nerd.

He hasn't even seen "Die Hard."

Yeah, me neither. No interest.

So hey, check it out, I can get you tickets to this new musical that I just I invested in.

It's about, uh, James Buchanan, "bachelor president."

Buchanan?

Oh...

BuzzFeed named it one of the Top 28 gay musicals this April.

Then you have heard of it.

I got you, let me know.

Oh, my God.

I love theater myself.

My whole life's basically one long "vag*na Monologue."

Okay, you know what?

You can cut the whole cool girl act thing.

You broke Casey's heart once before, and I'm not letting you near him again.

Plus, you're not cool.

Oh, I'm not cool?

No.

Have you seen me twerk?

That's... that's your version of twerking?

Can you please get an erection?

I'm on a lot of antidepressants.

Hey, man, what's your problem with me?

I don't like you with Casey, okay?

You're always trying to change him... his clothes, his career.

He bailed on the Slimer tattoo that I designed for him.

He is a 34-year-old man. He doesn't need a Slimer tattoo.

Says you.

He's great. I'm not gonna try to change him.

I don't buy it. I don't buy it at all.

Oh, you know what? You can stop pushing your boobs up with your arms.

I know that trick.

Let me know how many tickets you need, bro, I got you.

Thanks, man.

I'm not doing a trick.

You're just staring at my breasts, Althium.

That is not my name!

Oh, sh**t, our girl Ashley put up a new blog post.

Ooh! I bet Dr. K got majorly Frenched last night.

My boy was lookin' "foine."

Yeah.

I love my man's new style.

I could ride this clotheshorse all the way to the finish line.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

[laughs]

Keep reading, there's more.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But now there's a bigger problem.

My man won't stop talking about his co-worker.

I think he has a crush on her.

I'm demoting him from Colonel Suspenders to Major Crush.

Wait, that's bad. I think.

She's overestimating our knowledge of army rank.

Yeah.

Who could Dr. K have a crush on up here?

That's so weird.

It's so weird.

It just... it's weird is what it is.

Well, he's always fighting with Dr. L, so it's def not her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what, you know what, you know what, he hates her.

And I don't think he would date Beverly because she's Lutheran.

Too old. Lutheran.

Oh, my God. Dr. K has a crush on me!

Yup.

Yup, that's it!

Y-y-you cracked it.

Hey, yo, who's the hottie with the body in the middle of the sidewalk?

Oh, my God, wow!

You have a hoverboard?

What's up?

That's so cool.

What's up?

I haven't walked in weeks. My pedometer thinks I'm dead.

Oh, yeah? I threw my pedometer out, because it would not acknowledge masturbation as exercise, so...

I don't know why my friends ever hated you.

Yeah, well.

I'm kidding.

I appreciate the effort you put in with them. That was huge.

Yeah, of course.

And I don't know what you did, but the guys love you now.

Except for Marcus, but Marcus hates everything.

I mean, he doesn't like Matt Damon.

Ugh, I am so over Matt Damon.

Stop coasting on your good looks and charm and talent.

Okay.

Can I try your hoverboard?

Yeah, oh, for sure.

Really?

Yeah.

All right, super easy. Basically just step on...

Uh, I think I'll be fine.

Sure, yeah.

Cool.

Whoa, doing... [screams]

[thud]

[groans]

Babe.

Really hurts.

Yeah, really sorry.

I've actually never seen anyone fall off one of those before, and I follow an Instagram that's mostly dogs riding them.

Well, the truth is, I have no balance ever since I lost a swab in this ear.

Sure, yeah, that'll do it, yeah.

Hey, whoa.

[laughs]

So you're serious?

Okay, yeah.

[laughs] Sorry.

I got you.

[chuckles]

You're okay.

Yeah, my hero.

I kind of miss being your hero, saving you from falling off things constantly.

You were really good at it.

Yeah.

What else am I good at?

You're good at kissing too.

That's your line?

Mm-hmm.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

What?

What is that?

Pizza Rat? From last year.

It's, like, the hottest viral video online.

That's on your skin permanently?

Had to get a tat.

Okay, yeah.

"Vote for Pedro"?

It's from "Napoleon Dynamite."

I mean, if they make a "Nappy Dyno" sequel, it's gonna be off the chain.

Okay.

I guess it's your body, your choice.

Hey, tonight... it's our body.

Oh, my God.

Is that a Minion dressed as Shrek?

You know it.

I'm so glad we're giving this another sh*t. [kiss]

[playful music]

♪ ♪

Hey, M.L. You all right?

Did another one of your celebrity crushes come out as gay?

None of my crushes are gay.

Matt Bomer's just raising three kids with his male best friend.

Ooh, all right. What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. Everything's great.

Everything with Casey is great.

In fact, we're hanging out tonight.

Okay.

Casey invited me to his place.

We're gonna sit on his sofa, I'm gonna watch him play video games.

What more could a girl want?

Okay.

You sure you still want to be dating Casey?

Yeah, man, he's hot as hell, okay, and he's rich as hell.

Mm-hmm.

I hate him. He's so annoying.

Oh, Mindy.

He's like a Garbage Pail Kid.

Listen, backsliding is a dangerous temptation.

There's a reason English kings used to behead their exes.

Sounds to me like you need to cut him off... emotionally.

Don't you dare harm him. He's perfect.

Thank you.

All right, water for me, grape soda for you.

Thanks.

There you are.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Damn, Daniel.

Oh.

Did you switch gym bags with a hot model?

Can I have his number?

Thank you.

It's my first time wearing a shirt with no buttons.

I keep worrying it's gonna just fall right off, but so far...

Looks real good.

No, no, no, no, no, you're not sitting down yet.

Give me a little show. I want to see the whole look.

Here we are.

Wow.

Dr. K, I gotta talk to you.

Dr. L, I need to speak to him in private.

What?

No, say it in front of me. I'm doing work.

I have a ingrown hair on my ass that I need him to look at.

Cool. Peace out.

Thank you. It hurts to sit.

Ah!

What the hell's going on, Morgan?

Okay, listen to me. Ashley is writing a blog and she's telling everyone everything you two are doing.

Well, that's all right. I've been written about before.

Dear Abby advised five different women to leave me.

Okay. So you don't mind that she's telling everyone that you talk about Dr. L obsessively and you're basically in love with her?

I don't talk about Mindy all the time, and even if I did, so what?

I talk about Obama all the time, and I am certainly not in love with him.

It doesn't matter. Ashley thinks you are, and we're reading this blog behind your back, and Dr. L's gonna find out.

I have to go set things straight with Ashley right now.

You stay here.

Okay, I will, but listen.

Listen... wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

What?

I think you look really great in your new outfit.

Morgan, I don't have time for this.

[applause]

Wow, America's worst president became New York's best musical.

And you know what, I think I'm finally beginning to understand theater etiquette.

You threw candy onstage.

Yuh-doi, to show that I liked it.

Oh, Marcus, Marcus.

Hey, Jeremy. Good to see you, man.

Honest opinion so far, what do you think?

We are loving the show.

Yeah?

And the idea to cast Millard Fillmore as a woman?

Groundbreaking and important.

I thought so too.

Oh, God, the merch line is...

[groans]

Get me a Toblerone!

Hey.

Okay, so... I owe you an apology.

I was trying to be protective of Casey, wound up acting like a real d*ck.

I was wrong, I'm sorry.

Since you guys got back together, he's, like, annoyingly happy.

Whoa, you guys talk about that stuff?

Yeah.

I thought you just hung out and watched skateboarding videos, maybe kissed a little.

You are such a strange person.

Didn't know you had a kid.

I'm completely whack for hating on a single mom.

You were probably raised by a single mom, huh?

No, my parents have been married for about 40 years.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

But it is hard being a single mom.

In fact, I've often thought that there should be a musical about me, you know?

Really?

"Lahiri."

I always thought Ariana Grande could play me.

Nah, she's too old, but you know.

Well, hopefully, your musical will be a little better than this one.

You think it's bad too?

Mm.

Oh, thank God.

Yeah, I only invested as a tax write-off.

This is a total rip-off of "Hamilton," only our lead character was really a crappy person who literally started the Civil w*r.

[chuckles]

Well, there we go. [sucks in air]

Best of luck surviving Act Two.

[chuckles] Okay.

I'll see you inside.

Bye.

Hmm.

Look at me right now.

I'm a Buchanan Boy.

How much did you spend on that?

$500. Would have spent $1,000. Let's take our seats.

I demand you take down that post, and if you don't, I will need to speak to your manager at the Internet.

Every word in there is true.

If I wanted to lie, I'd go back to my old job predicting travel times at Google Maps.

Why would I have feelings for Mindy?

She is rude, she is unladylike, her political views are incoherent, and her hands are bigger than mine.

You sure can rattle off those reasons.

Well, if I wanted to ask her out, I'd just walk in there and ask her out. I'm not shy.

I asked Andie MacDowell to my prom, and she said yes.

I almost got to third base.

Why don't I read it to you?

"I couldn't even tell Colonel Suspenders about my day without him launching into a story about his coworker. The sad fact is, he lights up more when he complains about how this woman misuses the intercom system than he does anytime that he looks at me."

Well, "Guys, I'm bored."

It's not a proper work announcement.

Her squeaky little voice comes over the intercom.

Oh.

You might have a point.

Still want me to take it down?

I can't in good conscience ask you to do that.

If she reads it, she reads it. It's all true.

Except for that one part here where I...

My jacket is houndstooth, not herringbone.

Oh. I'll change that.

Thank you.

See you.

Mindy, I need to confess something.

What are doing you on the floor? Did your hip give out again?

[tearfully] Of course it did.

My bones are dust, I've never had milk.

Mindy.

But I'm here because I'm sad.

Oh.

Well, I never pass up an opportunity to sit criss-cross applesauce.

[groans]

Why don't you tell me what's going on?

Oh, God.

Jody, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I don't think things are gonna work out with Casey, but he's as not right for me as he was before.

Things aren't exactly working out well with Ashley either.

What's crazy is that the person I'm falling for makes even less sense.

Can you close the door?

I can't stop thinking about him.

He's actually a grown-up, and I think we have a spark.

But I can't ask him out.

It's Marcus. It's Casey's friend.

Okay, well, I guess I should go.

Don't forget to take your calcium supplements.

I'm afraid you might shatter.

Wait, that's it? Hold on, hold on, help me up.

Where are you off to?

Uh...

What, you got a hot date or something?

With a model that arrived in a shipping crate?

Heh heh.

No, actually, I've...

I'm taking a self-imposed break from romance for a while.

Oh, she was on top, and she bent it.

Why is your first assumption always something gross and sexual?

What? It's not my fault, I was raised on "Three's Company."

[scoffs] Wow.

You really came to see this again?

[chuckles]

Nobody should have to see this many raps by white people.

[laughs]

It's actually worse the second time because now I understand it.

Yeah. Did... Did you come with Casey, or... I didn't see him.

Casey and I actually broke up.

Oh.

Partly because of something you said.

What, that he's thinking about giving up drinking?

What? No, although that definitely would have ended it.

No, you were right. In order for us to work, I would have had to change everything about myself or everything about him.

But there was a bigger issue. I like his friend.

Mm, Jace.

Huh?

Trace?

No.

Me?

Okay, don't "me" me.

I invented "me?"

You knew it was you.

I had no idea, no clue.

Come on.

Hey, do you want to, um, maybe skip the second act and get out of here?

Yeah, I'd love to.

Let's go.

This is the worst thing to happen in a theater since "Lincoln."

Ah, see? You do know history.

Oh, no, I'm talking about the movie.

Oh.

Ugh, so boring.

Daniel Day-Lewis is, like, barely naked in it.

Oh, so nudity...

♪ For our Union I'll deploy ♪
♪ For I am a proud Buchanan boy ♪

Mindy? Mindy?