04x04 - The 13th Step

[bunniefuu]

[Mid-tempo rock music plays]

Oh, sh*t. Check out Pops.

Bitch got his nose wide open.

Shut up.

You know Double M has got game.

Shut up!

[Chuckles]

I-I like ol-ol-ol-old older women.

I-I-I mean, I like women in... in... in... in general.

Have you even seen a vag*na before?

You... You mean in... in real life?

Like a... like a br-breathing one?

All right, I'm gonna take that as a "no."

I would never hit on her anyways, you know, she's a newcomer.

But you're... you're you're a new... newcomer.

No. I'm a retread, so that's technically different.

Homey like his shorties to' up from the flo' up, you know what I'm talking 'bout?

Aren't you from Brentwood?

Don't be hatin'!

["The Poisoned Well" plays]

Uh... my... ex-husband was this... big music guy, and... he always went to these glamorous parties.

But he made it pretty clear that I wasn't glam enough to go with him.

You know, like, I had... aged out.

[Chuckles]

Um, but I went with him anyway, you know, just to...

[voice breaking] shame him.

I had to drink to get dressed.

I had to drink to get in the car.

[Laughing] I had to drink to get out of the car, and then whenever we got to where we were going, I had to throw up, of course.

Uh, my favorite thing... was to throw up on the host.

Yeah, [chuckling] I was really into host-vomiting.

I once, uh, puked in Chris Hardwick's hair.

One day, I was pulled over by the cops... on the way to a liquor store.

Yeah. I was going 90 in a school zone in my underwear.

[Whispering] That's ki-ki-kind of hot.

[Whispering] Shut up.

[Sniffles]

So, you know, that was my... moment of clarity.

And I realized that if I didn't stop, I'd die.

But... [sniffles] just not fast enough.

Wow, yeah. That was, uh...

You really laid it out up there.

[Sighs]

That was great.

[Sighs]

I'm serious.

Y-You think so?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, I feel like an idiot. [Sighs]

Yeah, well, that'll pass... you know, after a couple of years.

Ugh!

[Chuckles]

Hey, do you have a cigarette?

Uh, yeah.

Thank you.

[Clears throat]

[Chuckles]

Your first time smoking or...

Just starting.

Oh, okay.

You know, everybody needs something, right?

Yes, definitely.

[Chuckles]

My first sponsor used to say, "Don't get too well, too soon."

He ended up drinking but...

Oh.

...he's back. He's back.

But, you know, you get the idea.

[Laughing] Yeah.

Jesus.

Is everybody in this place 10?

I feel like the only one who's not getting an allowance.

On the upside, we're the only ones here not using acne dr*gs.

[Exhales sharply]

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Do you want to go somewhere?

[Sighs]

Start making out like teenagers?

Yeah.

[Chuckling] Yeah, I do.

Yeah?

Yeah.

[Sighing] Ohh.

[Sniffs] Ah!

This is so lame, I-I...

I'm... I-I really have to concentrate on my sobriety.

I... I can't even believe I just said that.

I...

Yes, I do.

I have to... go. I have to go.

Okay.

Oh. That's just...

I'm sorry, I gotta. [Sighs]

[Sighs]

[Marc sighs]

What's up?

Hey. Mm-mm.

[Sighs]

I don't think I have to tell you this, but there's no sex here.

I know that. I was just talkin' to her.

I assume you've heard of the 13th step?

Sleeping with newcomers?

Yeah, of course, it's how I got through my first year sober.

All the Al-Anon chicks wanted to fix me.

This isn't a joke, Marc.

I saw the way you were talking to Natalie.

You know, she's in a very vulnerable place.

I know that. I'm... I'm not a monster.

I'm not saying you are.

It's perfectly normal to switch one addiction for another.

Wait, somebody puts her hand on my leg and now I'm a sex addict?

Just keep an eye on it.

All right, look, I... I'm sorry.

I'm just squirrelly, you know?

The gravity of my situation is, like, coming down on me.

And it was nice to get a little attention from a hot, broken lady.

You know what I mean? That doesn't happen too often when you live in a storage unit.

Just watch yourself.

And don't take advantage of her.

What if we mutually take advantage of each other and don't go all the way?

Are you seriously asking me that?

I think I'm trying to start a negotiation.

Well, it's non-negotiable.

I will throw you out of here if I catch you having sex.

[Sighs]

What about, um, you know, over the pants?

Okay.

[Slow-tempo rock music plays]

Wow. This place is depressing.

I need a drink just being around these people.

It's rehab, Dave. No one comes in on a winning streak.

Well... I'm just glad you're getting help, right? That's the important thing.

Oh, hey.

What's that?

Some new clothes.

I mean, you're getting out of here eventually, right?

Yeah, that's the plan.

Wow. That's really nice of you, man.

Thank you.

What, did you take friend lessons while I've been in here?

Ha.

So what else have you been doing, I mean, besides this?

Besides not doing dr*gs?

I've been thinking about not doing dr*gs.

I've been thinking about other things, about life.

I just, you know... hey, I'm just, you know, I'm thinking.

Yeah. Yeah, o'course you are.

What about you? What's going on?

Oh, yeah, you... you didn't hear, did you?

Hear what?

How great things are going.

I, uh... married a super-rich woman.

She's actually a brain surgeon, if you can believe that.

[Chuckles]

Yeah.

Okay. I can't believe that.

And we've got a giant house, and...

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles] I don't know if I mentioned I got a TV deal.

[Laughs]

My own show.

No. [Chuckles]

It is actually insane how great things are going.

Yeah.

Well, that's great.

[Chuckling] I'm really... I'm really happy for you, man.

I know.

[Both laugh]

It's okay you can't believe me.

That's fine.

Mm.

It's almost like the worse your life gets, the better mine does.

[Laughs]

All right, uh, I gotta go.

We are auditioning sidekicks today.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

That is a very specific element for a lie.

It is, isn't it?

[Laughing] Yes.

Yeah.

[Chuckles]

Aside from that and the whole brain surgeon thing, I might have believed you. It was a good one. It was a good... it was funny.

Thanks. Hey, I thought it was worth a sh*t.

Yeah.

[Car alarm chirps]

And, uh, if I wanted to get really specific, I would mention my wife bought this as a celebration for when she successfully separated Siamese twins who were connected at the head.

Huh?

♪♪

Wait... wait.

Did I... did I just enter an alternate universe?

Ugh, I am so over auditioning people.

Just actors, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Hey, good luck with the whole thinking thing, all right?

You need anything, you give me a call, champ.

[Engine starts]

[Engine revs]

What?

You think I want to have sex with Dave, too?

I don't know. You might.

[Beethoven's 9th Symphony plays]

[Scribbling]

Whatcha drawin'?

This is a suit of armor filled with pudding.

Mm.

You get it?

It's, um, hard on the outside and... and mushy on the inside.

I like pudding.

Mmm. Okay.

Natalie, you know...

Don't worry, Chris talked to me, too.

[Eraser thuds lightly]

Just trying to cheer you up.

Mm.

You look depressed.

Yeah, well, I got some pretty bad news.

Um, my good friend is doing well.

[Chuckling] Oh.

I totally get that.

[Chuckles]

Ohh.

And, uh, where are you at?

Me? Oh.

Mm-hmm.

Just dying of shame.

I really want to do something bad.

Mm. Well, from my experience, that usually makes it worse.

Not when you're doin' it.

Chi-chi-chi-chicken fa-fa-fajita to-to-tonight!

Are you serious?

[Laughs]

Wait. Do you not like chi-chi-chicken fa-fa-fa-fajitas?

Well, no, I-I love high-school cafeteria food.

It's just we were trying to have a... a grown-up conversation, and...

Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, okay.

Yeah.

Wh-wh-wh-wh-what are we talk... talk... talking about?

[Sighs]

[Exhales sharply]

I-I-I-I get it.

I'm... I'm... I'm under 40.

[Sighs] You're under 20!

[Sighs]

Y... Yeah, I feel ya.

I'm in a really bad space right now.

Just want to, you know, k*ll my ex-husband's child bride.

It's so embarrassing, it's so humiliating.

If she were here, I'd punch her in the tits.

The filthy whore!

All right, all right, all right. You know what, let's... let's get out of here.

Miss chicken fajitas?

[In hushed voice] Come on, let's go do something bad.

Look at us... rebels, right?

Playing hooky, eating doughnuts.

[Chuckles]

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna go to the bathroom, and I'm gonna take my panties off.

And you are gonna finish chewing that sh*t in your mouth...

I'm gonna clean your beard off a little bit.

You're gonna wait a few seconds and then come join me.

[Mid-tempo rock music plays]

[Door opens, closes]

♪ My dear brother ♪
♪ Where you find your fun? ♪
♪ She just called your name ♪
♪ And to her side you run ♪
♪ Mm-hmm ♪
♪ In your e-e-e-eyes ♪
♪ You think she's the one ♪
♪ A heart with a head ♪
♪ The money and the other style ♪
♪ Pink in her skin ♪

Put the doughnuts down and kiss me.

♪ In my eyes ♪
♪ That woman is a sin ♪

[Sighs]

[Both moan]

Just grab my tit.

I want you to pinch my nipples and bite 'em.

All right, bend me over the toilet and call me a little slut.

[Both moan]

Wait, wait, just wait!

Yeah, daddy, get a little rough.

Yeah, pinch my nipples!

No, no, just... just calm down.

Calm down.

Oh!

Just... just... just stop, Natalie.

W...

I...

Stop. Stop.

What's wrong?

I-I'm sorry, I'm just...

I... we shouldn't do this.

All right, you're just gonna hate yourself later, all right?

I already hate myself.

Now I just feel like sh*t.

All right, well, sorry, I'm just conflicted.

I don't know what to... I can't deal with this.

I understand.

You do?

Uh-huh.

♪♪

You do?

Mm.

♪ Boy, why you gotta bring me down? ♪

All right, well...

All right, well, thanks for... thanks for... for being cool.

Thanks.

Of course.

[Exhales sharply]

Piss in my face.

Please.

I-I... what? I...

I'm kidding.

[Chuckles] Okay. Okay.

Okay. 'Cause I do have to pee.

I'm kidding.

[Chuckles]

Sort of, I mean...

No... No, no, no. Okay. Okay.

[Both sigh]

You're a good guy, Maron.

Really? You don't think I'm an assh*le?

Not mutually exclusive.

[Birds chirp]

What if we get caught?

For what, eating doughnuts?

What, are they gonna put us in rehab jail?

I mean, we didn't even use!

We just... we just... look, we just have to be cool, okay?

Oh, okay.

All right.

Oh, no! Busted.

If we get thrown out, you're gonna have to do me.

Okay.

You'll both have to pee.

[Laughs]

Oh, come on.

Why? We just had doughnuts, man.

What, are we grounded, daddy?

Hey, wait, I thought I was your dad.

Ooh. [Laughs]

Never mind.

Natalie, you can use the staff bathroom.

Okay. [Laughs]

Look, you two, this isn't a joke.

Addiction is a disease that wants you dead.

Actually, mine wanted doughnuts.

I'm sorry. We screwed up.

Look, it wasn't her fault, all right?

This was my idea, the whole thing.

I made her come along.

Narcissism, meet co-dependence.

Ugh! Did you just come up with that? 'Cause it's really annoying.

Wait, are you throwing us out?

'Cause...

Yeah, I know. Yeah.

Just bring the cup to the nurse when you're done.

Then go help set up for the meeting.

All right.

[Door opens, slams shut]

That was great.

I could have had sex with her, and I didn't.

And I-I've never not had sex with somebody when I've had the chance.

It's huge, man.

You left the facility, Marc.

I get that, man, but in... in the end, I made a sober decision, and I think that's a breakthrough.

Go pee in the cup.

I could have peed in her face!

[Mid-tempo rock music plays]

[Chuckling] What you smiling about?

I did a good thing.

Ah, yo! I knew homegirl was down!

[Laughter]

So you... so you, like, did... did... did... did it?

No, no, man, I didn't do it.

That's the point. I resisted. I just said no.

[Scoffs] What, you forget your Viagra or something, old timer?

I don't need Viagra.

Ah, yeah, my boy gets hard!

[Laughing]

All right, shut up.

Just... just shut up.

Just, both of you, shut up.

I'm a moron.

Yeah. You are.

I should have done it, right? I mean, she wanted me!

Straight up, Holmes. I would have hit that.

Right.

[Sighs]

Okay.

Yep.

I'm doing this.

[Sighs]

What?

No, I don't do that.

Natalie: Who is it?

Oh! Come on, are you kidding me?!

[Laughs] I know! I-I-I-I did it!

No, get out. Come on, just get out.

Oh, oh, oh.

Ugh!

No!

[Imitates expl*si*n, laughs]

Bye, bye, bye, bye. Bye!

Oh, my God!

Don't look at me like that.

Like what?

Like you're judging me!

How could you screw him? He's like 12!

Well, you had your chance. You didn't want to.

Well, I want to now. I mean, c... what do you say, how about round two with a real man?

Aah... a little gross.

Oh, really? Oh, well, it's good to know you draw a line somewhere.

No, no, don't be a d*ck.

Just go.

Really? Come on, can't we just...

No, go.

[Sighs] Okay.

[Spits]

Come on. Come on!

[Grunts]

[Knock on door]

What?! Jesus!

[Sighs]

Hey... hey, man.

You... you... you busy?

Uh, I... not... not really.

What do you want?

I just... I just wanted... want... wanted to say that I really look... look... look up to you, man.

Don't... don't... don't be mad at... at... at me.

I'm not mad. Not at you.

At... at who, then? Na-Natalie?

'Cause... 'cause she re-really likes you.

I'm mad at me! All right?

Sometimes I just want to slice my skin open from the inside and climb out of myself.

I hate myself. Do you get it?

Hey, that's... that's... that's... that's what she... she... she... she said.

She... she... she, you know, du-during the...

"I-I-I-I ha... I hate my... I hate myself!"

Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

I... Are... so, are... are we good?

[Sighs] I'm good. I mean, I don't know about you.

Well, what do you... what do you... what do you mean?

I don't know. Did you wear a condom?

N-n-no.

S-She... she said I didn't need... need... need to.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Well, yeah, well, no, I guess it's okay, then.

I mean, I'm just... there's just a lot of weird sh*t out there.

I-I...

You okay, buddy?

I... I have to...

I have to... I have to see the nurse tomorrow.

Oh. You know what you should do tonight, though, is maybe Google, uh, "STD d*ck."

Google image, actually.

Google... Google?

Google image.

Google image? Okay. Um...

Okay.

You catch your breath, buddy.

You'll be all right, buddy. You'll be all right.

I just... I can't...

Yeah, just deep breaths.

[Sighs]

Hey, I want to apologize for my behavior.

No.

No, I'm sorry.

I feel horrible.

Really?

Really.

It's been a long time since I've done a**l.

You did a**l?!

Yeah. He's really big.

What? What?! Really?

No. Come on.

We hardly did anything.

He came as soon as I touched his belt.

[Both chuckle]

Hey, boys and girls.

What's up?

The speaker is stuck on the freeway.

I talked to the secretary, and, uh, you're gonna pinch hit.

[Gasps]

No, I... no, I can't. Seriously.

I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm not ready.

Um, okay.

I... I'm sorry, I haven't done this in a while.

Um...

Oh, okay, all right. For the newcomer, there's one thing I wish someone told me when I was a newcomer, and that's you can... you can do all the things you did sober that you did when you were using.

Okay, you just can't blame dr*gs for doing it.

You... you know what I mean?

Like, if you're an assh*le and you're on cocaine and booze, it's cocaine and booze's fault, right?

But if you're a d*ck and you're sober, you know, you're just a... you know, you're just a sober d*ck.

You know, it's... it's on you, you know?

Yesterday, I-I did something I haven't done in a while.

I, um...

I did the right thing.

Wait, I did the wrong thing first, but that's what we do.

I mean, that's our job.

You know, I-I-I didn't, you know, I took a sober pause.

I didn't... you know, I... I caught myself.

But, you know, there's a lot of other dr*gs... other than dr*gs, you know what I'm saying?

You know, like, there's...

There's sex, and you know, sex...

So...

What I'm saying is I didn't pick up, okay?

I stayed with my feelings, which isn't easy, because my main feeling is wanting to drink over, you know, what I... I-I did when I was... drinking and using.

But... but the bottom line is I-I-I avoided some unhealthy old behavior.

And... and I am, you know, I'm... I'm grateful today.

Okay? I'm...

I'm making, you know, better mistakes, as they say, you know, today.

Um...

So, uh...

How much time?

A little over 35 minutes.

[Sighs] Come on.

[Mid-tempo music plays]