01x13 - Come Back

Episode transcripts for the 2016 TV show "Crowded". Aired March 3 – May 22, 2016.
"Crowded" follows a couple as their two daughters and their retired in-laws unexpectedly want to move back in with them.
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01x13 - Come Back

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♪ ♪

(whispering) Do you think it's our fault?

(whispering) Of course it's our fault.

We made them our friends. We coddled them.

I don't think we coddle them.

Look at us right now. We're whispering so as not to wake up our daughter, who's passed out on a counter reeking of gin.

I think it might be rum.

Yeah, let's argue about that.


Can you believe I once told her she could be president?

All the crap we told them to give them self-esteem.

My father never gave me self-esteem.

He never even said that he loved me.

And look at me; I hate myself, and I'm doing great.

Least he stuck around. I mean, my hippie mom left when I was seven to go live on an ashram.

I still don't know what that is.


Mike, you in there?

No, I'm not.

See, I don't want him to come in here.

That's how our kids should feel about us.

Oh, jeez, look at this. Passed out drunk.

It's all because of your permissive...

Wait, stop me if she's actually d*ad.

She's fine, and you don't have to yell at us.

We were just yelling at ourselves.

We're just here to say good-bye.

Bob and I are heading out for a weekend at the cabin.

(phone rings)


sh**t, my sister Rhonda.

sh**t your sister Rhonda? I'll do it.

Stop that. I've got to take this.

You know, I've been thinking about doing some hunting up there.

How are you fixed for venison jerky?

Picture all the venison jerky that you've ever given me.

I still have it.

Oh, Bob, I can't go.

Rhonda's boyfriend cheated on her, and now I've got to drive to Tacoma to keep her from burning his house down again.

I guess you'll just have to go to the cabin without me.

But it won't be as romantic without you.

So it'll still be a little romantic?

I mean, I'll still build a f*re and pour myself a glass of wine, and nuke a Hot Pocket.

I know how to show myself a good time.

You know, Dad, you shouldn't go to the cabin by yourself.

Um... I'm just remembering the caretaker called, said the place was crawling with spiders.

Oh, don't tell me that.

I hate those creepy-crawly little bastards.

Ooh, four legs I'll give you, six, all right, you're a bug.

Eight legs, ooh, that's a devil creature.

Fine, no cabin.

The caretaker didn't call. Why did you talk your dad out of going?

Because we're going to the cabin. Just the two of us, you and me, right now.

Oh, that sounds great. Let me just leave a note for the girls.

No, no, no, no note.

You and I have to get away, and they need to learn to fend for themselves.

Ah, absolutely. I agree.

No more coddling, old-school parenting.

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.

Well, technically every day is the first day of the rest of our lives.

Eh, you're not gonna be like that all weekend, are you?

Yes, but I'll also be naked.


(upbeat music)

♪ ♪

Morning, Stell.

Huh? What?

Bitch, I will cut you.

Oh, it's you.

Good morning.

What's that envelope?

No idea.

"Dear girls, don't tell your father I told you, but we've gone away for the weekend. Open this only if there is an emergency."

So insulting, like we can't handle a weekend without them.

Can you make some coffee?

I don't know how to make coffee. You don't know how to make coffee?

(Gasping in panic) Mom always does it. Open the envelope.

Wait. We could just go to Starbucks.

Right. You've always been good in a crisis, Shea.

Also, with Mom and Dad gone, we can work on, you know, Operation: Project.

They're not here. You can say what Operation: Project is.

All right, we can work on our...

(creaking noise)

Oh, God, did you hear that?

Of course I did.

I'm opening the envelope.

Wait, it sounds like it's coming from the basement.

Shouldn't we just go check it out?

What do we always yell at the people in horror movies right before they get m*rder?

"Don't go see what the scary noise is.

The k*ller's in there. Get out of the house."

Sure, you're the nerdy virgin who lives in the end, but I'm the sexy, popular girl who gets an ax in the forehead.

I'm not a virgin.

Close enough.

Two is not zero.

(creaking continues)

Oh, we've got to get out of here. We'll open it in the car.

♪ ♪

Oh, wow, this is gonna be so romantic.

(Mike) Mm-mmm.

(Martina sighs)

You want romance?


Check this out.

(gasps) Whoo, look at you.

I know, I'm coming off great right now, aren't I?

(Martina chuckles)

You know, I think I can make it all the way to the couch.

You do it, buddy.

Okay. (chuckles)

And here we are.

(Martina laughs)

Oh, this is such a great idea.

Getting away from the girls is exactly what we needed.

You know what this weekend's gonna be?

What our life was supposed to be if the girls had never moved back.

(Martina clicks tongue)

Picture it.

Are you as turned on as I am right now?

Even more so. I think I'm done.

But I'll rally.


This weekend, let's try new things, sexy things, birthday things.

Your birthday or mine?

Mine, please.

All right. Um... how about you're a lonely woodsman, and I'm...


Oh, no, I don't like that.

No, no, no, no. My mom's here.

Oh, my God.

Mike, is that really you?

I don't believe this. What are you doing here?

Hold on.

I haven't seen you for 40 years. I just want to look at you for a second.

(gasps) Oh, wow.

Your aura is so murky right now.

If you'd like, I could do some reiki on you.

Are you high?

Well, just coming down, but I've got more.

♪ ♪

Mom, what are you doing here?

Well, I got your message, and I was on my way to see you and my spirit guide came to me in a dream and said "No, hold off. You're not strong enough yet."

So I decided to come to our old cabin to center myself.

Nothing strange about that.

But I didn't know you and Martina were here.

Oh, my goddess.

Did I interrupt the act of lovemaking?

Because that is so important to a couple.

Your father and I always connected on that level.

Your father had the most beautiful penis I'd ever seen.

Anyone else need a drink?

Martina, I have some mung bean wine in my bag.

Yeah, that'll hit the spot.


(shrieks and gasps)

Everything okay in there?

Ah, yeah, just a couple of bad squirrels.

What are you doing here?

We heard a noise.

A scary noise.

Girls, that's not an emergency!

You didn't hear it. It was like...

(makes high-pitched creaking noise)

No, it was more like...

(makes low-pitched creaking noise)

(both make low-pitched creaking noise)

Stop it!

God, you're such pussies.

Look, I will never hear the end of it if your father sees you here.

Go sneak into the guest room.

Use the f*re ladder, but be careful. That ladder is rickety.

Oh, I'll just come hold it for you.

Mike, I thought it would be good to see you, but it's even better than I imagined.

Let's forget about the past and start all over again.

I don't know if I can do that. There's still a lot of anger and resentment.

I was seven years old, and you just disappeared.

Yes, express it.

Yell, scream, think of me as your emotional punching bag.

But before you do, let me just tell you one little thing: I'm dying.

Now, go ahead. Let me have it.


I don't know how much time I have left, but forget that. Yell away.

Well, I can't be mad at you now that I know that you're dying.

Oh, Mike.

The look of love and forgiveness on your face right now.

It almost makes me wish I really was dying.


You're not dying?

No. Isn't it a relief?

Look, I just don't want to waste time going over all the bad stuff.

When you called, I felt like there was a chance for us to start over again.

I came to the cabin, because I had such happy memories of this place.

Well, we did have fun here.

I made so many mistakes.

I wish my spirit guide could send me back in time to when you and I would hang out here waiting for your father to come knock at the door.
(knock at door)

Open up, Mike. I know you're in there.

Holy [bleep]. That worked.

(Linda gasps)

Ooh, I am so sorry. It took me forever to find these glasses.

Forget about the wine. Dad's here.


Let me in, you son of a bitch.

Listen to him, sexy as ever.

But I'm not ready to see him.

I'll just hide in the guest room.

Oh, no, not the guest room.

Ah, you should use the master bedroom.

(Mike sighs)

So that's why you talked me out of coming here, so you could come up here yourself.

Real D-bag move, son.

What are you doing here, Dad?

The house was too lonely without Alice.

Oh, that's sweet, Dad. Anyway, go home.

Ah j...

I'm not going anywhere.

Jeez, after 40 years, this house still smells like your mother's perfume.

What a horrible woman.

(exhales) I'm exhausted.

I'm gonna go crash in the master room.


Well, fine.

I'll take the guest room.


What's wrong with you two?

Well, 'cause we're staying in the, uh, guest room.

And, ah, the master is, uh...

Full of spiders. Lousy with spiders, spiders everywhere you look.

Stop talking about them.

I'll sleep on the couch.

Why the three glasses?

Ah... all for me. (laughs nervously)

Argh! I have a problem.

♪ ♪

Okay, Dad's sleeping in the living room, so just stay in here.

I took a peek. He's just as handsome as the day we met.

You think he's still mad at me?

Well, growing up, whenever I mentioned your name, I'd have to put a quarter in the "Bitch Jar"... and he still has it, so, ah...

So I'm on his mind.

Our grandmother is here?

I've been wondering about her my whole life.

Yeah, she owes us, like, a million presents.

(Martina chuckles)

Look, your father's gonna be here any minute.

Climb out the window and drive home.

But we ran out of gas.

And Dad always pumps it.

Oh, God, we are disasters as parents.

(door rattles)

Martina, let me in.

Damn it. Closet.

Why'd you lock it?

Oh, you know how these old doors are.

(laughs nervously)

That makes no sense.

(Martina sighs)

Anyways, now that we're finally alone, about that new stuff...

How can there be new stuff after all these years?

If my childhood wasn't already over, it's about to be.

I don't know, Mike.

I mean, your parents might hear.

Look, so my parents are here, but at least the girls aren't.

I mean, we don't have Shea whining about some boy or the heat death of the universe.

It's inevitable, you know.

And Stella, a failed sobriety test in cutoff shorts.

I sound fun.

Let's not talk about the girls right now.


Okay, oh, how about this?

You just wait here, while I take a quick shower.

Okay, I will be naked and waiting.

Don't be naked.

Um... be wearing your clothes, and...

I will nudify you.

Whatever the lady wants.

Maybe we should have just checked to see what the noise was.

♪ ♪

Oh, Bob.

I've missed you.


What year is it?

♪ ♪

Linda, what the hell are you doing here?

Oh, shut up for a minute, Bob, and let me look at you.

You look good, real good.

What about me?

You want a compliment?

I've been mad at you for 40 years.

Oh, you were always mad at me.

That's what's gonna make the make-up sex so hot.

Make-up sex?

Don't mind if I do. You just relax. I'll do all the work.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Linda.




What the [bleep] is going on here?

Alice, I can explain.

This must be your wife.

I'm Bob's first wife, Linda.

You're welcome to join us.

There is nothing to join. I just trying to get her off.


Of me, off of me.

Oh, my God.

What is happening here?

Nothing's happening here.

I was asleep, and she climbed on top of me.

Oh, hell no.

Baby, hold my earrings.

I'm about to knock this bitch out.

What's going on?

It's fine, girls. Go back to bed.

What the hell?

Yeah, what the hell are you two doing here?

You told them where we were?

Well, they heard a scary noise.

It was like... (makes creaking noise)

No, it was more like... (makes high-pitched creaking noise)

No, er, it was... it was more like... (makes high-pitched creaking noise)

(all making low-pitched creaking noise)

Got it.

Wait, those are my granddaughters?

No, those are my granddaughters.

Everything in this cabin is mine.

All right, look, many of us have our problems with Linda, and maybe she got off on the wrong foot here. But I did reach out to her, and I think that I would like to have her in my life again.

So, Linda, are you gonna tell him why that's not possible, or should I?

What's he talking about?

Something I was hoping you'd never have to know.

Bob, I'll tell him.

Several years after I left, I got involved with a group of people who did some things, protest-y things.

Nobody got hurt, but the government said it was treasonous, but I think of it more as treason-ish.

So I had a choice of either going to jail or running away.

So, what, are you gonna just go back on the run now, and this was all for nothing?

No, I want to be part of your life again and get to know the girls and Martina.

And maybe in time, I could even be friends with Bob and Alice.


How about this?

I'll turn myself in.

You'd do that?

Yes, I would, first thing tomorrow morning.

I'll do my time, and when I get out, we can start again.

I would like that.

Well, it's been a big night, and it's gonna be a big morning, so let's all get some sleep.

Mm-hm, girls, grab some sleeping bags out of the closet and go sleep in the kitchen.

But I slept in the kitchen last night.

Come on, Mom.

No way.

I am backing your father up on this.

You girls have come between us for the last time.

So probably not gonna happen tonight.

Yeah, I don't think so.

♪ ♪

Hey, Mike.

Morning, Pop.

Listen, I've been thinking.

And I know it's not gonna be easy, but I think, ah, it's the right thing to try to work things out with Mom.

Look, son...

'Cause I know what you're gonna say...

She's a liar. She's bad news.

But I know that going into it, so I'm not gonna expect too much and get hurt.

She took off again, didn't she?

Yeah, she's gone.

I'm sorry, Mike.

(Mike sighs)

But at least this time she left each of us a note.

Given the context, mine was a little sexually inappropriate, I can't read mine yet.

Well, basically, she just couldn't face going to jail.

Well, I guess that's better than leaving just because of us.

It is.

And, you know, it wasn't all her fault back then.

I wasn't the best husband.

I mean, she had all these dreams and ideas, and... I just didn't listen.

I don't know if you're aware of this, but sometimes I am a little too stubborn.

I hadn't noticed.

I didn't handle it too well with you when your mother left.

It was a tough day for you too.

Yeah... but I wish I'd done things differently.

Wish I'd said, "We'll get through this together."

And I should have told you that, er, er, I... ah.


Well, something I don't say enough.... or maybe I never said it.

I think it's the second one.

So you know what it is.

Oh, God. You're not going to make me say it, are you?

Yes, actually, I think I'm gonna make you say it.


Look (quietly) don't tell anyone I said this.



I love you.


I will keep it a secret that my father loves me.

Well... you got something to say back?

Mm. I love you too, Dad.

We don't have to hug now, do we?

Well, if we didn't do it when the Seahawks won the Super Bowl, why would we do it now?

Good point.

(Bob sighs)

You know, I see you telling your daughters you love them just about every day.

I do it as much as I can.

Maybe I do it too much.


No, you don't.

♪ ♪

I'm sorry I told Shea and Stella where we were.

I do coddle them.

We both do, but maybe that's okay.

They know that they're loved, and we know that they love us back.

Yeah, and don't worry.

They'll move out, eventually.

Will they?

What are they doing that will make that happen?

They don't have jobs. They're never gonna get their own place.

So we need our own place, a space that's just for us.

I have an idea.

Oh, the shed. This is a great idea. Nobody ever comes out here.

We'll turn it into our own little love shack.

Hmm, let's go look at our future.

(Martina chuckles)

Oh, my God.

What the hell?

Is this what I think it is?

Course it's what you think it is. It's a lot of what you think it is.

Did you leave the door open?

No, I didn't leave the door open.


What the hell is going on here?

Well... we got jobs?

Welcome to Operation: Project.

(whispering) It's weed.
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