04x20 - The Greatest Date in the World

[bunniefuu]

Wow, Marcus, I've never started a date this early.

I usually like the shroud of darkness.

You know, to hide my hoist and pulley shapewear system.

Well, we are headed to my favorite Chinese spot, and it takes about two hours to get there.

Hold up, hold up... two hours?

Where is it? China?

[laughs]

I was all, "China?"

Seriously, if you wanted Chinese, we can go to Asian Kitchen. It's around the corner.

Yeah, but that's a chain.

It's not really authentic Chinese.

I mean, their mascot is a panda voiced by Kevin Hart.

Why would you settle for Asian Kitchen when you know there's something better out there?

Listen, trust me, I pride myself on knowing the best place in New York to do just about everything.

Everything?

Okay, Mr. New York.

Show me what you got.

[up-tempo orchestral music]

This place?

Hands down, the best General Tso's chicken in New York.

Ooh.

I want to eat that poor bastard.

This one here?

Yeah.

[speaking Chinese]

♪ ♪

This place has the best vodka.

Whoa, it was worth the r*cist encounter at the door.

This place has the best interactive theater experience.

Wow.

I like that that happened to me.

It's smart.

Well, this is my apartment.

You know what?

Mm-hmm?

I just thought of one more really cool thing I want to show you.

Oh, hey, I don't know if I can.

I'm still really tired from that adult pillow fight you took me to. [coughing]

Oh.

Whoa.

No, see, I also know a guy for the best sex in New York.

Whoa.

[hip-hop music]

In conclusion, may I remind you that it is illegal to bet on the birth weight of a baby in hospitals, under New York state law.

Sorry, I thought...

I have an announcement.

I am so sick of the basic-bitch gen pop places where we order lunch.

Ohh!

And I'm lucky because the cool guy I'm dating has some recommendations for some new places.

These are, like, three hours away.

Mindy, I thought you loved chain restaurants.

Panera Bread sends you flowers on your birthday.

Not since they banned me for eating a long baguette in a "lewd manner."

Speaking of birthdays, I have one coming up in a few days, and, I'm not expecting anything, but it's an opportunity for a grand surprise.

Okay, does anybody have any actual business to discuss?

I have a business.

Okay.

As we all know, Dr. C's office has been vacant since him and Dr. L's ugly breakup.

Well, meanwhile, over in phlebotomy, three larger-than-life nurses are sharing a room the size of a closet.

Yeah, that's why we had our accident.

Break time, girls. Let's dish.

Oh, my God!

[screaming]

Oh! [screaming]

Ah! A skeleton!

Oh, God! [groans]

I still have blood in all my creases.

So we think the best use of Dr. C's office would be... a nurse's lounge.

I'm sorry, you people want a nurse's lounge?

Yeah.

Uh, no, no.

You're lucky to have jobs.

The doctors have a lounge where they can go blow off steam.

Why can't we have the same?

Because we went to medical school.

I like the way the place is now.

There's a fun upstairs downstairs vibe.

This isn't "Downton Abbey," Jody.

And I'm not Mrs. Patmore.

Yeah, Colette is obviously Mrs. Patmore.

I'm Laura Linney.

I, for one, think it might be nice for the nurses to have a comfy little nook in which to discuss their modest dreams.

[all cheering]

You know, Dr. Lahiri, you're the only doctor that I actually look forward to seeing every year.

Aw, me, too. I'll tell you something.

You are my favorite patient.

No, it's true.

One night, I got drunk and ranked you guys.

Well, I'm sort of seeing someone.

We're not dating, but we're not not dating.

Kay, what does that mean?

Well, it's like we're best friends, but we have sex.

Red flag.

And he won't call me his girlfriend, but he says our connection goes beyond labels.

Red flag.

Jonah doesn't want to be tied down.

I mean, he's a photographer.

Ooh, huge, huge red flag.

I know it's not perfect, but dating's hard when you're our age.

Yeah, I hear that.

I recently went on a date with a guy who had a mannequin on his couch.

No explanation.

The worst part is I went out with him again, then they dumped me.

So I've been thinking a lot about trying to get pregnant now.

Do you think you could help me?

Hmm. Let's see.

Would I be interested in getting a fellow bangable, hot fashionista pregnant?

Um, how's this for an answer?

[phone beeps, ring tone activates]

I'm... I'm so sorry.

"Sisters Are Doin' It for Themselves" is supposed to play.

Instead, I signed up to be an Uber driver.

Okay, anyway, the point is I would love to put a baby in you.

You would?

Yeah!

Really?

This is great.

I will just set up an appointment with you at my fertility clinic. Oh, my God.

You're gonna meet Louis, my sperm guy.

Ugh. This guy? Cream of the crop.

I actually told him he should use that as a motto, and he said it was crass. I don't know.

[phone beeps]

[sighs] I got to go.

I have an Uber I have to go pick up on 31st Street.

Dr. Reed, welcome to the nurse's lounge.

You want a tour?

Yes, please.

Come on in.

Over here is Tamra's spa.

I'm feelin' hella Zen.

Shh-shh. Leave her alone. Leave her alone.

Right here is Colette's area.

I'm making a P-51 Mustang.

My grandpa sh*t down 11 Japanese in one of these bad boys.

And a couple of friendlies.

Let me show you "Morgan's Poetry Corner" right here.

Here's a little something I've been working on.

"Digital overload. Social media motherlode. Verizon, you don't own me. Verizon, release me from your roaming and anytime fees."

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Well, I'm glad you're having fun.

Oh, look at this.

"They pay me to work here. They don't pay me to like it."

[laughing] Yeah, isn't that poster funny?

I actually don't think I get it.

I mean, British humor is obviously a lot more subtle.

Have you guys seen "The Farting Vicar"? [chuckles]

What's not to get?

The cows represent us, and what they're saying represents how we feel.

[phone ringing]

Well, as long as you're all enjoying yourselves.

Oh, my God. I had it all wrong.

I just thought it was funny because he's got a briefcase.

Oh, my God. Eden, look at this one.

He is Harvard-educated, super handsome, and he's a marathon runner.

New York Marathon.

See, I'm not like other spermists who sell you a marathon runner, and then you find out it's Chicago... a notoriously easy and flat marathon.

So easy.

Jody Kimball-Kinney, I am not talking to you.

Why? What did I do?

You won't give me a sample.

How can you deprive the world of another pair of those cheekbones?

You keep sweet-talking me like that, Louis, and you'll wear me down eventually.

Okay. It really feels like you're leading him on.

No, no, it's all in fun.

Wait, what about this guy?

You have great taste.

Stud 14 is very popular.

Wait, does that mean that my child will have, like, a ton of brothers and sisters?

What if they accidentally sleep together?

I mean, I'm sure that would be a great show on Amazon, but...

That's highly unlikely.

Besides, your child will never have any information on the donor's identity.

I don't know, wouldn't it be better for it to be somebody who would be involved in the child's life?

Eden, it's also pretty hard to raise a kid with someone you're not with.

But that's what you're doing.

Yeah, I know, but I didn't mean to do that.

This morning, Danny and I had an hour-long fight over the theme of our son's birthday party.

He wanted "baseball."

I wanted "leather and lace."

Baseball? Gross.

Thank you, Louis.

Look, Dr. Lahiri, I think I just need a little time to think.

Oh. Okay.

Sure. Sure. It's your decision.

That was a really interesting dinner. I did not know that Transylvania even had a cuisine.

But you liked it, right?

I mean, you ate all your charred crow.

It was very crunchy.

Hey, do you think that we can stop at Barnes & Noble?

I have to pick up a gift for my coworker.

His birthday's in a couple days.

Yeah, sure, but not... not there.

Big box bookstores kind of suck, unless you're looking for a celebrity cookbook or something.

Wait a second, have you even tried Ryan Seacrest's recipe for potatoes Au gratin?

They're the b*mb.

Where do you get books?

From the best bookstore in New York.

I got to be honest, Marcus, I know that this is a cool way to get around right now, but that was a long-ass way to travel by bike. Plus, a bird's wing hit my face.

But it was worth it, right?

I mean, look. Come here. Come here. Look at this.

Kay.

Quentin.

Hey!

Where it's at.

I am looking for a copy of "Lonesome Dove."

Ooh.

I don't sell any mainstream fiction.

I have a collection of Robert Mapplethorpe's male nudes.

Would he like that?

No, he... he wouldn't like that.

Hmm. You should try Barnes & Noble.

Sorry to waste your time, bro.

[whispering] Okay. Thank you.

[whispering] Let's go. Let's go.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think I finally settled on a sperm donor.

Oh, good. Number 31?

His penis measurements were very impressive.

No.

Oh, no, of course.

I mean, that shouldn't matter anyway, but damn.

I'm just happy you picked someone, you know?

I was really worried that I freaked you out the other day.

No, what you said was really eye-opening.

I mean, if you have a baby with a guy, and it doesn't work out, that could be a disaster.

Exactly.

But if it does work out, that's the ideal situation.

So that's why I'm gonna have a baby with my not-boyfriend Jonah.

What? Jonah?

No, that is the worst idea I have ever heard, and I played saxophone in high school to get guys.

Jonah and I are really great together, plus, once we have the baby, I think he's gonna want to really settle down and be a great dad.

Oh, no, no, no.

Eden, trying to trap a guy never works.

If it did, Joey McIntyre would still be locked in my parents' basement.

Kay? You cannot tell him about this.

Well, it's a little late for that.

Hey. Jonah. Here to be the dad.

Hey, what's that nurse's deal?

♪ ♪

Hey, Jody, we have a huge problem.

You got too small a venue for my surprise birthday party?

Easy, just get an overflow room showing a simulcast.

No, no, no.

We can't do Eden's in vitro, okay?

There's a problem with the donor.

I don't like his personality.

Excuse me? That's a problem?

Yeah, I met him and he sucks.

He's clearly not serious about Eden, and he smell like whatever I think dr*gs are supposed to smell like, okay?

He can't be a father.

Sure, he can.

My father was a terrible man, and he sired three angels, and a couple of Cuban kids, which we were never allowed to meet.

Eden is, like, my favorite patient, okay?

I think, in the long run, she'd be better off using a donor and raising the kid by herself.

As reproductive facilitators, it is our job to give medical advice and then let our patients make their own decisions.

It's unethical, Mindy.

Okay, but if a person is tied to the tracks, and a train is coming, I'm gonna untie them.

Or at least I'm going to k*ll them in a more merciful way, like bash their brains in with a rock.

One thing's for sure.

If they're hot, I'm gonna kiss 'em.

Mindy, you don't know this man, and you know you jump to conclusions, like how you assume Colette knew Ellen.

Yeah.

I mean, she does.

They're very close, but still...

Catastrophe!

The nurses hate working here.

I was in their lounge, and they have a poster up that says "They pay me to work here. They don't pay me to like it."

And it cut like a Kn*fe.

If you think the poster's disrespectful, just tell them to take it down.

I don't want them to take it down, Jody.

I want them to want to take it down.

You know what? If they don't like working here, they can take a hike... we'll hire immigrants, we'll pay them nothing, and if they complain, we'll turn them in. Adios, amigos!

Well, maybe they have a reason to be unhappy.

But, you know what? No longer.

Because from now on, I'm gonna take those frowns, and I'm going to invert them.

Kay?

♪ ♪

Thank you for letting me come with you to collect this sample.

I'm so cooped up in the office, and I heard when you go to people's houses, sometimes they offer you a drink.

Yeah, okay, listen. [clears throat]

I need to do a little recon on this particular donor, okay? Jody's right.

Maybe Jonah's secretly a great guy.

I'm secretly a great guy.

[knocking]

Hey.

Are you the weed guy?

Yes, I'm an impeccably dressed Indian woman who sells weed.

If anything, she'd sell coke.

Thank you. I'm here to see Jonah.

[solo bassoon music]

Oh, hello, Jonah.

It is I, Dr. Lahiri, from the other day.

And it is I, Morgan, from right now.

All right. Yeah.

Eden told me somebody was coming by to pick up my sample. Can I get you guys anything?

You want something to drink?

[whispering] Jackpot.

I'll have a root beer float. Frosted mug.

How about a water?

Even better.

Stop.

Jonah, this is an incredible space.

It's, um, not that kid-friendly, though, huh?

Thanks, my interior designer does all of Vincent Gallo's homes.

Oh, he seems like a good guy.

So when did you decide you wanted to be a dad?

One day, Eden was like, "Yo, I want to have a baby," and I was like, "A baby? But I'm only 39."

Then I thought about it, and I was like, I've done way weirder stuff than that, so here you go.

Whoa!

Though, if you're not the settling down type, what are you gonna do when the baby comes?

I'm assuming I'll just kind of figure it out.

Okay. Are you going to keep doing dr*gs?

Probably.

Are you and the baby and Eden going to live together?

I don't know.

Whose insurance is the baby going to be under?

I should probably be sober when I make that decision.

Yeah, that's the problem, Jonah.

When you say you're going to figure things out, eventually you got to figure things out.

You know what? You're right.

I haven't thought this through at all.

I... can I get my yuck back, please?

Comin' at you.

Do not throw the semen sample!

He threw it at me.

Yeah, but you're a nurse!

I hope everyone's enjoying their expensive meal.

See? Working at Shulman has its perks.

[all vocally wavering]

I don't know.

We have to do all the crap work the doctors don't want to do.

Right, but, I mean, you're nurses.

See, it's that attitude right there, which is fine. We're used to it.

'Cause in this society, if you are a lesbian, or a black woman, or a person of filth, it's just how it is.

You know, look, I want you guys to like coming to work, okay?

And if there's anything I can do to make that easier...

I would love Fridays off.

Oh... paid lunches.

Oh, I want an intern.

Well, you know, if those are the things that make you happy to work at Shulman, then I'm happy to oblige.

Ha-ha, for real?

Are you serious?

While we're at it, look at that popcorn machine.

Oh, man. That's awesome.

Look at this. We put this in the nurses' lounge?

Boom. It's like a movie theater lobby.

[laughing]

Yeah! Yeah!

So in Yonkers, there's a pop-up Burger King inside an old McDonald's.

Or, Donald Glover is reading his space opera in a granite mine.

What if we just stayed in tonight?

Okay, so when you say "stay in," you mean...

You know, why don't we just get to know each other better?

Maybe watch a little TV?

Oh! Okay, well, if you like TV, check this out.

There's a theater in Ditmas Park.

They perform old "Full House" reruns with the commercials.

No, no, no, no. The opposite of that.

Okay, so you want to just sit here and not do the best of anything?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Kay.

♪ ♪

I don't like this.

No. Me, neither.

Marcus, I feel like I don't really know you very well.

I mean, sure you do. You know I like food and authentic Japanese arcades.

You know...

No, absolutely.

I know about all the interesting things you like.

I just don't know what you're like.

Okay, wait a minute... are you trying to say that I don't have a personality?

Because I have a personality, and it's, like, really good.

I know.

I followed BuzzFeed's ten simple steps to having a good personality.

Look, I'm sure you have a great personality, and you're very handsome. It's just...

I've been on a lot of special dates, but I'd like to think that the greatest date in the world would be sitting on my sofa, watching a movie, with the right person.

Getting the sense you maybe don't want to do the scavenger hunt on Governors Island?

No, blow my brains out.

Okay. All right. All right. I get it.

I guess this is the end.

♪ ♪

You know, you may not be the best of anything in New York, but you're pretty fun.

Eden!

It's egg retrieval day, but don't worry, this is going to go over easy.

Because I'm egg-cellent at it.

Is this funny to you? I... it cracks me up.

Mindy, I'm really upset.

Oh.

Because Jonah didn't show up. I knew it.

No, he said that you went to his house, and you freaked him out, and you negged his sperm!

Kay, Eden, look, I am very sorry, but I was just trying to prevent you from making a big mistake.

It's none of your business!

Thank God I talked him down.

I told him that I would pay for the baby's college.

And that I'd pay off his college.

Wait, so you still want me to do the retrieval?

Oh, you're not doing anything.

I am.

Eden would like me to take the case.

You simply can't respect boundaries.

Okay. Okay, there has been a big misunderstanding.

I am great with boundaries.

Mindy, what you did was wrong.

Yeah, but it was for the right reason.

Mindy, I think it's time for you to leave.

Okay, do what you want, Eden, but this is how this plays out, okay?

You have a baby with Jonah.

He says you'll be together forever.

It doesn't work, and everything is a big mess.

And you.

To think that I was going to send you an email tomorrow that said, "I'm sorry I forgot your birthday."

This popcorn machine is the best grand I've ever spent out of my own pocket.

Can I get anyone a bowl?

No, I'm good.

I guess I'm starting to think of popcorn as work food now.

Yeah, but maybe if we had a snow cone machine, I would feel differently.

Aww, can we please have a snow cone machine?

I don't want popcorn anymore.

I've eaten so much, I feel like I'm going to die.

What the hell is that? Okay, I am done being subtle.

I gave you everything you wanted.

You have the gall to keep that poster up.

You were bribing us? And I accepted it?

Now I can't run for Congress. Thanks a lot!

Take that poster down forthwith!

No! This is our space, and we can put up whatever we want.

We don't come into your space and tell you to take down your picture of a little girl on a horse.

That's me! On Ginger!

Fine.

No, no, no! I want popcorn now!

Come on, man.

I want popcorn now!

Jody, you better lawyer up, bitch!

What makes you think that you can go behind my back and take my patient?

How would you like it if I took some of your stuff?

Like these walnuts?

I don't think I'd care particularly.

They're nuts. They're not that expensive.

Oh, you know what?

I don't need to hear that right now.

I stole your patient for your own good.

Like when I stopped you from eating the salt packets in the kitchen.

Those salt packets are a very delicious afternoon snack.

Yes, I went to Jonah's house, and I behaved a little unprofessionally.

That's because I knew that he was a loser, and Eden needed to know.

Blah, blah, blah.

All I'm hearing is you overstepping your boundaries, as you always do.

Like when you inexplicably flashed Mark in radiology.

Yeah, and now we get our X-rays like that.

Like that, we get them.

Well, this is worse.

Now you're projecting your own problems onto your patients.

And just because...

What? Just because what?

Just because you messed up your life doesn't mean she will.

Wow, I didn't know that you thought that my life was so messed up.

Look, you're upset. Why don't you go home?

You know, I will go home.

But not because of anything you said.

Because I need to drain my feet.

'Cause yes, I ate all the salt packets again.

No!

It's not cool, man. It's hurtful!

Really?

That's against the law, sir.

Hey! What the hell's going on here, guys?

"Mein Fuehrer" right here has committed a hate crime.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's called free speech.

I can put up whatever I want outside the Jeremy's Lounge.

Oh, yeah? Come here!

No, no, no!

Cut it out! Stop it!

Hey. Hey. Take down the sign, Jeremy.

Why? If they're allowed to complain, why can't I?

Because you're a boss.

If you're an underling, griping's all you have.

Employees have the right to say, "Man, I hate this job."

Yeah, but we also have the right, as bosses, to say, "Morgan, call and book me a Brazilian wax."

Everything? Butthole too?

No. No. It's hypothetical.

Yeah, Dr. E.

We like that you gave in to all our demands, but having a popcorn machine, and paid lunches, and Fridays off...

I mean, it really doesn't mean anything if we're not allowed to complain about it.

Fine. I get it. I'll take down the poster.

And I need the rest of the day off.

I got a little bit of PTSD from this, so I'm gonna go home.

Right, no, you can't, but you can go to the Nurses Lounge and complain about it.

Good.

All right.

Bitch ass.

Doctors ruin everything.

Wait till you're in the lounge, please.

[doorbell rings]

Keep your pants on. I'm coming.

[sighs]

Yes?

Hey.

I bought you something for your feet.

Kay.

It's an apology lance and a drainage basin.

Thank you.

This will actually really help with the throbbing.

Oh, what are you watching?

Um... just my favorite McQueen movie.

Oh, really? Which one? "Bullitt"? "Great Escape"?

"Papillon"?

"Cars." Lightning McQueen.

Oh.

Do you want a glass of water?

Oh, thank you, yes.

Okay.

I want to apologize about today.

Thank you.

Ugh, that must've taken a lot for you to say that, and I hope from now on, you will give me free reign to let my emotions dictate my professional decisions.

Oh, no, professionally, I was right.

You... you do need to learn boundaries.

You call that an apology?

That was a victory lap. Who do you think you are?

Lightning McQueen?

Come on, Mindy.

Okay, yeah, maybe I went a little too far with Eden.

Just, Jody, it is really hard to raise a kid with an ex, and it's not just the logistical nightmare of it.

There's a lot of guilt.

You know that things are the way they are because the two of you couldn't make it work.

And I didn't want Eden to have to live with that like I do every day.

So, you were right.

Well, not about everything.

You're a good doctor, and a good mom, and a good coworker.

And you do it all in heels.

That's nice.

Although these suckers ain't going in heels any time soon.

They're about to explode.

[laughing]

Do you want to watch the movie with me?

Okay. For a little while.

Mm-kay. I don't want to keep you for too long.

Ooh. I almost forgot. Happy birthday.

No.

And I didn't even have to say anything.

Here you go.

May I open it?

Yeah.

Thank you so much.

What? Oh.

My favorite.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Ugh. I'm so happy.

I got it from Barnes & Noble.

It was in the "Grandpa's Casket Stuffers" section.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

[car horn honks on movie]

Okay. Now, where do the cars come from if there are no people to build them?

Cars are born.

The tail pipes are vaginas. Aren't you a doctor?

Hmm-hmm.

[movie playing]

Whoo-hoo!

Well, I'm glad everything worked out for old Lightning.

He...

[movie still playing]

[TV turns off]

[plucky music]

♪ ♪

[door opens, closes]