04x06 - Sobriety Bush

[bunniefuu]

Wait, what's going on, Andy?

It's time for you to go.

What are you talking about?!

You said I could stay a few days.

Yeah, a few days is a few days.

You've been here for two weeks.

Well, what am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go, Andy?

That's not my problem. I've done my part.

Oh, come on, man!

I thought you... I thought we were friends.

It's not even you, it's Tess.

She has trouble being sexually intimate when there's someone else in the house.

Oh, my God!

Could you not put that image in my head?

I mean, I'm trying to stay sober here, you know?

Yeah, you know, let me give you a little advice, Marc... it's life advice.

Traditionally, when people help you, you're supposed to say, "Thank you."

Mm-hmm. Here.

I'll give you a little life advice, Andy.

Lose the oversize shirts.

They're not working for you anymore.

Thanks. Thank you very much.

Sure, fatty. Yeah.

We're free!

["The Poisoned Well" plays]

All: Keep coming back.

It works if you work it, so work it... you're worth it.

♪

What's up, big daddy?

How you feeling, man?

Hey, I saw you throw your hand up earlier.

You looking for a sponsor?

Uh, you know, I'm just coming back in.

Yeah, I had 16 years, went out...

It's cool, man. Don't worry about it. Uh, I'll be your sponsor.

I'm Chuck.

Ah!

Okay!

But my boys call me "the boss."

Boys, big daddy!

Hey.

Sobriety's a blast, man.

All right, well, you know, I'm... I'm sort of, uh, talking to another dude, so, you know, I'm...

I'm gonna...

I get it, man. You're scared.

Yeah.

But you want to know what fear is?

False evidence appearing real.

Yeah, yeah, I've heard that one.

Oh.

Well, apparently, you've got all the answers, then, man.

I don't know, man. You're the boss.

Gentlemen... it's taco time.

Fonzie.

All right.

Whoa. Marc Maron.

Hey, how you doing, man?

Hey.

Hey, I saw you raised your hand at newcomer time.

There's no shame in that game.

You need a sponsor, right?

Uh, I don't know. I guess.

Well, we can call it a temporary sponsorship for now.

You know, we'll try it out, take it for a spin, see how she takes the corners.

Mm-hmm.

Well, actually, I'm... I'm just trying, you know, to get back in the swing of things, so, you know...

Cool. [Chuckles]

This whole deal must be weird for you.

Hey, I'm a big fan, by the way.

Actually, well, you probably hear this all the time, but, uh, I do a podcast myself.

Hmm.

Oh, actually, I just realized I have a recording of it.

It's called "Podcast Podcast."

Remember like the old commercial where the little guy would come out and say "pizza pizza"?

[Chuckles] Did I mention I do comedy, too?

Uh-huh. All right. I think I'm gonna eat this cookie now.

Cool.

Wait, I didn't get your number.

I know.

♪

Ha.

First thing my sponsor told me was, "Don't eat the birthday cake."

Yeah?

Yeah.

By the time the crackheads and alkies blow out the candles, it's not icing anymore, it's a creamy petri dish.

Oh, man, that's kind of disgusting.

[Laughs]

Why you still eating it, then?

I'm immune.

Mmm.

I'm like one of those guys who, uh...

Mmm! That's good!

...takes rattlesnake venom until the bites don't bother him.

Right.

Yeah.

After 30 years of gulping junkie germs, it doesn't affect me.

Got it.

Mmm. Yeah.

[Inhales] Gerry... with a "G."

Marc.

30 years, huh?

That's not nothing.

Yeah, thanks.

Now I pretty much come for the cookies.

I'm a sucker for that baked-last-century taste.

Right, right.

So uh... you want to sponsor me?

Why don't you tell me what's going on?

Well, it's kind of a saga.

Shocker!

Give me the highlights.

All right.

Well, I had, uh, 16 years sober, I relapsed.

I kind of screwed up a big job, I lost everything.

I imploded publicly, and, uh, now I got no place to live.

Impressive.

What, that I have no place to live?

Most addicts, they're addicted to the drama.

You sounded like you were reading a bus schedule.

I know, right? I think I'm dead inside.

Mm!

That happens!

You keep doing what you're doing, you keep getting what you're getting.

Right, right, okay.

Mm, yeah.

My sponsor used to tell me just do the next right thing.

Okay, that sounds great. I'm in.

So what is it?

You don't know.

You can't... your brain's broken.

Everything you want to do is wrong.

That's why you have a sponsor, so you can take directions.

Okay, look, I... You want to do this?

Yeah, one addict helping another, that's what it's all about.

So, all right, what happens now, then?

Hmm.

Ah.

Let's take a ride.

Where?

Unless you prefer sleeping under the stars, I might have a cheap place for you to stay.

Hey, do me a favor.

Just keep filling this up.

They're gonna throw it away anyway.

It's open. Just move sh*t off the seat.

[Grunts]

[Bag crinkles]

[Door closes]

[Seat belt clicks]

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Shirley, the place we're going, takes in recovering addicts.

She helps a lot of guys.

She's like a one-woman halfway house.

She helped me get sober. Yeah.

I was lost.

I don't really know how to say it, but, yeah, she was nurturing in a way.

Hmm.

Sounds weird.

Unless you have a better idea, I suggest going with sponsorial direction here.

Uh...

All right, fine.

You're either in faith, or you're in fear, bro!

[Laughs]

[Chuckles]

Yeah, you get it.

♪

[Gear shifts, sealbelt clicks]

You're not coming in?

Mm, that's not how Shirley rolls.

Ah.

Well, this doesn't feel creepy.

Yeah, like the old-timers say, "Feelings aren't facts."

[Car door opens]

[Car door closes]

Hey.

Call me tomorrow.

You'll be staying in the guest house.

So did Gerry tell you why I take in you guys?

He just said you like to help people.

I do.

My own son d*ed of an O.D. 30 years ago.

Hmm.

Nobody helped him, including me.

[Suitcase thuds]

[Chuckles] Wouldn't let him back in the house.

[Sighs] So after he d*ed in a skid-row motel with a needle in his neck...

Ugh.

...I made a vow to help as many of you boys as I could... the way I wish I helped my own.

Uh...

This is a nice garden.

Oh, it's more than that.

Here.

Take this.

It's your sobriety bush.

Sobriety bush?

While you're here, you'll tend it.

You'll plant it, you'll water it, you'll watch it grow.

Learn to love this little guy, and you'll learn to love yourself.

Gardening is a big part of what you'll be doing here.

I call it Donny's Garden.

Hmm.

It's really, um...

I know.

I...

I know.

So after you change your pants, you can get started planting this little newcomer.

Um...

These are my only pants.

Fine, then you can start right now.

First thing you need to do is give him a name.

[Sighs]

[Sniffles]

Okay, I'll... I'll come up with something.

[Suitcase wheels click]

♪

Who's this handsome fellow?

It's my landlady's son.

He lived in here... till he O.D.'d.

Oh, that's a little depressing.

Addiction is depressing, Andy.

Why are you here? What do you want?

What, I have to have a... a reason to come visit my old friend?

I mean, wow, the anger.

You threw me out of your house, Andy!

Now I'm living with some lady named Shirley in the dead son museum.

Wow, you're like my mother with the guilt.

The cats are doing fantastic, by the way.

Oh, okay, so you came over here to talk about the cats?

No, I came here because I'm your friend.

Mm-hmm.

The Sklar brothers wanted to know why you didn't return their calls about the podcast.

[Sighs]

What... W-why?!

Why would I want to do a podcast right now?

Because you have to get back out there.

You gotta get your life back to normal.

Marc, you really need to be out there gardening.

Hi, I'm Andy. I'm Marc's friend.

Hello, Andy. Marc, I think it's time to tend to the bush.

Mm.

I can take a hint.

No.

No.

No, it's a chore. It's not what you're thinking.

I know... You don't have...

No, It's not. It's not what it i...

Don't have to explain to me.

Please do that podcast, okay?

Oh, I don't know.

♪

I'm serious, man.

It's like a mausoleum over there.

She's got pictures of her dead kid everywhere.

I mean, what is that? How does that help?

Sounds like somebody's having a pity party.

[Sighs] - Hmm. - [Cellphone chimes]

Come on.

Maybe you should come with me.

Where, fellowship?

I've had it up to here with fellowship, man.

How... how much crappy food can you eat?

I'm... I'm sorry. That was a stupid thing to say.

No, no, no. 12 step call.

Best way to get out of your own head is to help another alcoholic or addict.

That... that was hurtful.

Okay.

That's mean.

[Siren wails, rock music playing]

Oh, listen, Gerry, again, I'm sorry I lashed out.

All right, just I'm not... I don't... I don't feel great.

Yeah, I know that.

Hey, hey, we're good.

Actually, it was my fault.

I'm a little sensitive about that stuff.

Man: Oh, yeah, baby! I know you like that!

Oh, oh! Give daddy a little nibble!

Oh! [Panting]

What the hell is that?

Sounds like a cry for help.

Oh, really? In what language?

[Chuckles] You'll see.

[Rock music continues]

[Glass clinks]

Mm. Watch your step.

Oh.

What the hell's wrong with you? H-How are you eating that?

It smells like stale jizz in here, man?

That's bleach.

The guy was probably cleaning his needles.

He's very hygienic.

Yeah, clearly.

Mm.

Okay.

I'm going in. [Knocks on door]

Hey, buddy, you okay?

You in there?

Man: What do you want?!

All right, all right, let's just go. Seriously, man.

We're from A.A.

You called Central Office.

My name is Gerry, with a "G."

Nipples!

[Rock music continues]

Ready or not, here we come!

Yee-haw!

[Music intensifies]

Unh-unh. No. I... no.

Oh, come on, cowboy. It's your rodeo time.

Oh. Hey.

Okay.

Man: Oh, gosh, guys.

I'm glad you're here.

[Both chuckle]

So you been partying, huh?

Oh. [Chuckles] Yeah.

I guess I was kind of messed up when I called, but...

I'm fine now.

Shut up, bitch!

[Chuckles]

[Growls]

Mm! Mm!

You know, I've been where you've been, my friend.

Mm!

I can help you get into treatment.

What do ya say?

What do I say?

What does she say?

Oh, God! [Sighs]

Oh, man.

Oh, God!

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Oh!

All gone!

Uh, I... I... I don't...

I don't think this is about dr*gs, man.

Hmm. You might be right.

But the dr*gs aren't helping.

Oh.

[Cellphone vibrates]

Oh, can I step out for a second?

Yeah!

Okay, steady.

Oh!

Steady, and...

Mm!

Okay. All right, Okay.

I'm... I'm gonna step out here.

[Chuckles]

Yeah, I wish I could.

Okay.

[Siren wails, clattering]

What the hell, man?

[Laughs]

That was crazy!

Oh, welcome to the rodeo, buddy. [Laughs]

Ah, so, an important message?

Oh, yeah... well, it was, uh, the Sklar brothers.

You know the Sklar brothers, they're twins.

Yeah, I know who they are.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, Randy and Jason.

Mm-hmm.

Well, they got a podcast now, and they keep bugging me to be on it.

Oh, man, you gotta do it. So do it!

I... I don't... You know, I don't know.

I... I... I don't feel ready. You know, I still feel shitty.

You gotta say yes to the universe, buddy.

Say yes.

You think?

Yes, I know.

Universe will say yes to you.

[Clattering]

Hey, I really appreciate you guys coming, but I'm okay now.

I got this.

[Grunts]

Oh!

[Sighs] Okay.

Okay. All right. Uh, are we done here?

Mm-hmm.

All right, everybody, welcome back to Sklarbro Country.

We, of course, have the hilarious and lately M.I.A. Marc Maron with us.

Uh, welcome to the show.

Randy: It's been a while, buddy.

And, uh, what can we ask you, and what can we not ask you?

Uh, well, I... you know, I'm...

I'm... I'm still a little raw, but, you know, I... I think it's, uh, it's probably time.

You know, I... I... I think, um, people want to know what I've been through.

Well, yeah, I mean, you've been through a lot.

Seriously, I mean, holy sh*t.

Where do we begin?

Uh, well... w-whatever you guys want to know, you know?

I... I'll... let's just... let's just do it.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

Uh, I'll start with something that I heard.

I heard that you were living in a storage locker.

Wait a minute, how do you know that I heard that. and I don't know that?

'Cause I hear things.

Okay, are we talking about an actual storage locker here?

Yes.

Yeah, but, I mean, the saddest part about it really was that...

Wait, wait, wait. Where did you sh*t...

Okay.

...in the storage locker?

Just take it easy.

Yeah, I want to know.

A bucket it. It was a bucket.

[Inhales sharply]

I mean, when you say it out loud or when he says it...

And when he repeats it twice, that's just sad.

Yeah, yeah.

A bucket. - That's just really sad.

Yeah.

But hilarious.

Kind of funny.

Kind of hilarious.

Also kind of funny, yeah.

I mean, have you been talking about this on stage yet?

No.

Please tell me.

No, I... I haven't even... st-started doing stand-up again yet.

What are you talking about?

Are you kidding?

You gotta go on.

You have so much to draw from now.

Yeah, but I'm just, uh... It's like I'm... I don't...

I don't know. [Chuckles]

All right, well, listen, hey.

W-We're headlining at the Ice House tonight, and there's an open slot in the show.

It's got your name on it.

Come on.

I think you should do it. Say yes, man.

Come on, look what we're doing right here.

This is a comedy intervention on this podcast.

That's all it is.

[Sighs]

Oh.

So I know it sounds sad that... that I was living in a storage unit, but th-there is some... some good parts to it.

Like, uh, I was running a small business out of the storage unit. I was...

I was, uh, actually selling my sh*t for dr*gs.

Hmm.

And once I ran out of my sh*t, then I... I, you know, I didn't steal.

I chose to, uh, to start a very healthy relationship with a woman who was taking care of a guy with cancer, and I would take his medicine.

And if you think it's, you know, hard to have sex with someone you don't really want to have sex with, try doing it on Oxys with a guy with cancer moaning in the background.

And I pulled that off, so that's something, right?

I'm kind of a hero.

Okay, all right!

[Claps] Whoo!

Marc Maron, everybody! Marc Maron!

Give it up!

For Marc Maron, everybody!

Come on!

Marc Maron!

First time he's been on stage since sh1tting in a bucket there.

Hey.

Marc Maron.

Not a lot of people can say that.

One guy could say that... he's right there...

Marc Maron.

Marc Maron.

Thank you guys so much.

All right, thank you, guys.

We'll see you later.

All right, bye.

Bye.

Hey, hey, hey.

What's up, what's up, fellas?

Oh, hey, Marc.

Hey, Marc.

What's up, man? How are you?

That was, uh...

[Inhales sharply]

That was really, um...

Yeah, here's the good news.

You got that one out of the way.

Yeah, you did it. You, uh...

I bombed.

Yeah, I tanked, I know. I-I know what happened.

I'm not stupid.

It was pretty awful.

Yeah, it's one of the worst bombings I've ever seen.

But, hey, man, y-you got on stage.

Yeah, I mean, sort of.

He didn't sort of get on stage. He was definitely on the stage.

All right, all right, all right, all right, okay, okay.

So what's going on now?

You want to get something to eat or something?

I mean, normally, absolutely, yes, we would do that, but...

Tonight we can't.

No.

We got... we got a party.

Yeah.

Mm.

We would have totally invited you.

Yeah.

But there's gonna be a lot of booze.

It's gonna be really fun, Marc.

And we just don't want to throw that sort of fun in your face right now.

Yeah, all right, okay. You know, I... I...

You know, I gotta... I gotta...

I gotta get back anyways.

Oh. - Oh.

Really? Great.

Yeah. - Cool.

I thought we were gonna have to babysit you all night, so...

Thanks for doing it, though. Thanks for coming out, man.

Yeah.

Dude.

Up on stage!

Who got up there?

Baby steps.

Oh, man.

[Cellphone clicking]

[Sighs]

Hey. Hey, Gerry, it's, uh... It's Marc.

Gerry: [Clears throat] Marc, you okay?

No. No, I'm... I'm not okay. You know, I... I...

I took your... your g*dd*mn direction.

I... You know, I-I listened to the universe, I got up on stage.

Um, Marc...

No, no, no, wait.

Wait, I-I d*ed, all right? I tanked.

It was mortifying.

And then... and then it just got worse.

I mean, you know, some of my comic friends and then some... all the other comics were going to a party, and um...

I can't talk to you now.

Are you kidding me?

Uh, sorry. My wife and I are... are going to dinner with friends.

Oh, really? Hey, I... I haven't, uh, been out to dinner with, um, anyone in a long time.

Uh, c-c-can I meet up with you guys?

I'm sorry. It's... it's... it's kind of a work thing.

I'll talk to you later.

Don't quit before the miracle.

Yeah.

Yeah.

♪

[Door creaks]

Marc!

Come on up.

You really like to help people, huh?

I give you guys what I couldn't give my son.

Why couldn't you?

I was too drunk.

Mm.

Have some cocoa.

[Marc sighs]

I started drinking cocoa 30 years ago when I quit drinking everything else.

[Slurps]

Oh, man! That's really good.

Yeah, it... it tastes like, um...

Mommy?

Not my mommy.

Oh.

You're having a hard time, aren't you?

I...

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

It's okay.

This is a safe place.

[Sighs]

[Exhales deeply]

You're all little boys.

Mm.

Just lost little boys.

This doesn't feel like the next right thing.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

♪