04x22 - Princeton Charming

[bunniefuu]

Hola, gringas.

The bitch is back.

I have returned from my journey of self re-discovery in the Lone Star state.

And you know what?

I think I'm gonna start saying "y'all."

And I'll definitely be spitting.

Join the club.

Oh, before I forget...

I got you guys all authentically Texas gifts.

[cheering]

Beverly, neck pillow.

Ooh.

Oh, my God.

Jeremy, a real Texas treat... "The Lovely Bones."

I do suspect that you bought all these gifts at the Austin airport.

That's not true.

I got some of them on the airplane.

For you, my friend.

"Takeoff" magazine?

Harry Connick Jr.'s New Orleans?

Look at this. [hums]

I already did the crossword puzzle, so don't try to.

Okay.

Hey, um, is Jody here?

Courtney made brownies, everybody!

Oh!

Dig in.

Courtney. Who Courtney?

Dr. K's new girlfriend.

Finally, a couple we can all root for.

You have a girlfriend?

I've only been gone a week.

Usually, you move so slow.

When you tell a story, I have to take, like, five pee breaks.

Oh, my God, Dr. K, tell how you two met.

I love it, and not just 'cause I'm up for a raise.

I was at the gym.

I had just gotten off the treadmill, and she said, "Are you done using that?"

And I said, "Yes."

Well, let's just say, uh, she never got on that treadmill.

[laughter]

Oh!

Why can't something like that happen to me at ballet barre?

That's it? That's the whole story?

It's nice having an adult relationship for a change.

Why, on Sunday morning, we actually went out for a breakfast lunch.

I had eggs, she had a burger.

The same meal... can you imagine?

Well, you seem really happy. Good for you.

Thank you, Mindy.

Hey, what's that?

Oh, nothing.

Dr. L, Princeton student affairs called for you, they need you to call them back.

Oh, no. I know what this is about.

They figured out that I was the streaker at reunion.

I'm toast, Tamra. I'm toast!

[hip-hop music]

Guys, I have some huge news.

I just got off the phone with Princeton University, my alma mater...

All right, braggy, we get it, you have a phone.

And they have invited us to do a "Later, Baby" presentation on campus.

Oh, our first Ivy. Hot damn.

They are the perfect demo for the egg freezing.

Smart, careerist girls who consider science their boyfriend.

So this Saturday, the three of us are making my triumphant return to Princeton.

Oh, did you say this Saturday?

If that's the case, I can't go.

What? You can't come?

How many derbies are there, for God's sake?

No, it's not that.

Courtney made an appointment with an allergist in central New York, and we were gonna make a weekend of it, you know.

Hey, man, you have to come.

We're gonna get more patients from this than that time that we did that radio jingle.

You know, where you were playing the frozen egg?

"I'm chill, baby."

Ugh.

This is gonna be our first weekend getaway.

I've been practicing ukulele for the rowboat ride.

Hey, man, we all have to break plans sometimes.

You know, when I went to your school, it actually sped up the demise of my relationship with the father of my son, so...

Exactly, I wouldn't want something like that to happen again.

So, I'm sorry.

What?

Are you...?

Actually, I can't go, either.

Because I'm gonna meet my biological father...

You have to come.

I'm in.

I cannot believe Jody.

Just because you get a girlfriend, doesn't mean that you completely bail on all your professional responsibilities.

No, you don't.

You know, when I dated Tamra, I didn't skip out on work.

Thank you.

Yeah.

We would have sex in the office.

The kitchen.

Your office.

What?

Uh, Jody's... that's inappropriate, Jody.

And you know what? I don't even think Jody knows what he wants.

Mm-mm.

Can I tell you a secret?

Yeah.

Before I went to Texas...

Jody and I had a weird moment on my couch.

Hmm.

I think I have to show you.

Okay.

Okay, come sit here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

You be me, and I'm Jody.

I fell asleep.

Oh.

[snores]

Exactly.

Then Jody took a blanket and he laid it on me.

Mm, I don't know why this is weird.

This is just, like, nice.

Okay, but then he did this.

[gasps]

Do you think it meant anything?

[gasps]

I mean, isn't that really emotional and weird?

Nope. No, it doesn't mean anything.

I don't know, it felt kind of romantic.

It's not romantic.

There's nothing romantic about it.

God, you're such a narcissist. Don't even worry about it.

[whimpers]

Okay, can we just...

No, stop it, don't touch it! Don't touch it.

I have to go to the bathroom.

What?

And I might need to borrow some pants.

Can I have my blanket back?

No!

It's my blanket now.

So you don't think it meant anything?

Nope!

Mindy, I wanted to talk to you about this weekend.

Whatever.

Go have a fun bang-cation with Courtney.

I'm excited to present alone, because this way, you can't stop me from doing my parody song, "Ain't too Proud to Egg."

Actually, Courtney and I were discussing it last night, post-coitally...

Why add that?

And she thinks it would be best if I go to Princeton.

Oh, my God, that's so great.

Tell Courtney thank you.

Well, tell her yourself.

She's postponed her allergy appointment and she's coming with us.

Oh. She is?

I'm so excited for you two to meet.

You have so much in common. You're both women.

You can talk about dresses and matinee idols and sewing.

Okay, sure, yeah.

I'm just happy that you're coming.

I've never been to New Jersey.

It'll bring me one step closer to visiting all 50 states.

And having sex in all of them.

Let's put on some tunes.

Oh, is there a Weird Al station?

No, no, please don't touch the radio.

It's a voice-activated, and it's very nice.

Don't touch anything! Please.

If you could just hover above your seat, that would be best.

I put down butcher paper like you asked me to!

[sneezes]

Oh, my God!

What was that?

Oh, it's her sneeze.

Isn't it cute?

I'm sorry, I have just really bad allergies.

Oh, poor baby.

Isn't she brave?

Canceling her allergist appointment to come with us for moral support.

[sneezes]

Oh, my...!

Hey, are you drunk right now?

That sneeze was like a g*nsh*t, so I swerved a little bit.

It's not about the sneeze.

It's about how you handle it.

You're fine.

Wow, that's quite a sneeze, Courtney.

And it has to be that loud, right?

Better out than in, as they say.

Mindy, did you know Courtney also grew up in Boston?

What? Oh, my God.

Nomar! Yankees suck! "Spotlight"!

Racism!

Sorry, I'm sorry.

What part of town are you from?

Uh, Winchendon.

Oh.

Do you not know that part of town or something, Mindy?

No, Winchendon isn't exactly Boston.

It's basically in New Hampshire.

Well, Winchendon is in Massachusetts.

Technically it is.

Yeah.

The way that Brad Pitt is technically an Oscar winner.

As a producer.

Mm-mm, doesn't count.

What do you do for a living?

Oh, I'm currently on a lawsuit.

Oh, you're a lawyer?

No, I'm suing my former employer for sexual harassment.

So waiting for a settlement is your job?

I would love to get on that train, because I am constantly sexually harassed by my employers, and I am made to feel like a piece of...

[sneezes]

[tires squealing] Oh, God!

Okay, you know what? Pull over.

I don't want to die, I'm sorry. I'm not dying in this car.

What? Dying in this car with me would be better than your current life.

I never thought I'd say this, but a woman of Asian heritage is a bad driver.

I agree with that in theory, but not me.

I am the exception.

Pull over, please.

That's it. I'm jumping out.

Wow. Guys, I cannot believe this.

The last time I was on this stage, it was senior week, and a hypnotist made me think I was a chicken and I took my clothes off.

He didn't ask me to.

I always knew I'd end up in the Ivys.

I thought it would be as some kind of study cadaver, but this is good, too.

It is excellent work, Mindy.

Now that we've gotten into Princeton, all the other Ivys are gonna be lining up like city councilmen at a cathouse.

[laughs]

Hey.

What're you guys doing in here?

Only returning to my alma mater triumphantly to change the lives of young women.

And I saw a sign for auditions for "Spring Awakening."

And I might try out.

That's great.

We have this room today for a football recruiting session.

Uh, football recruiting?

Huh?

I didn't know that Princeton recruited for football.

I thought they just accepted whatever nerds wandered onto the field with their heads in a math book.

Oh!

Excuse me!

This is a Division One football team, little lady.

We only allow athletes that can run a ten minute mile, or whose parents donate a building.

Uh, sir, if I may, I think I understand.

I, too, am a man of sport.

I was captain of my high school line dancing team.

But I'm afraid we have this auditorium reserved today.

Yeah.

But you might want to check your confirmation email.

Relax, guys, these jockstraps obviously don't know how to read a calendar.

So... oh, there it is.

Confirmation: Richardson Auditorium, May 2.

2017.

Wait, what?

Oh, look at that, you did reserve this auditorium for the right day.

Right day next year.

[laughs nervously]

I can't stay here for a year.

I only brought enough clothes for six months.

Oh, sh*t.

Guys, I'm really sorry.

I think what happened, was that I got too excited, and I forgot to double-check...

No excuses.

Not only is this very unprofessional, but I had to cancel my romantic getaway with Courtney.

We were gonna unwind, and now I am as wound as I have ever been.

I'm so sorry.

Okay, you're being very disrespectful of my time.

I could have just stayed home and do what I do every weekend... stare at the wall and wait for Monday.

I'm gonna fix this.

I'm gonna fix this, okay?

Hey.

Hi, there.

Yes?

My name is Dr. Mindy Lahiri.

Head Coach Drew Schakowsky.

I am here for a critical women's health issue.

And I think we can both agree that's way more important than a bunch of fat guys playing grab-ass.

This is Ivy League football, okay?

If I don't get those players to sign a commitment to the team now, I could lose them to the Quiz Bowl or Gilbert and Sullivan Society.

Okay, you're a jock.

I know what you want.

I will let you touch them for five seconds.

One...

Wait, I know you.

Two. Hmm?

Did we go to school here together?

Oh, that's not possible. I'm much younger than you.

You used to do work study at Butler dining hall.

You're the one who used to eat all the French fries off of people's plates before you'd serve them.

Sorry I swiped a couple fries off of a rich kid's plate.

I was on so much financial aid, I got paid to get shocked by the psych department.

That's why I'm like this!

Hey, listen, I get it.

I had some crazy financial aid myself.

I mean, the whole time I was on the football team, I had to be the mascot, too.

You were the tiger?

Yeah.

I think I dry-humped you once on a dare.

See? I knew you looked familiar.

[laughs]

Hello?

Are we any closer to booking a venue, or are we just gonna stroll down memory lane all day?

[laughs]

[whispering] Guys, I am mesmerizing him with my sexy charm.

Just give me a second, okay?

Okay, well, we're gonna keep packing.

Shut up!

[thudding]

Sweetie, I'm so sorry.

But if we leave now, we can still salvage our romantic weekend.

We'll pretend my apartment's the B&B.

I'll have some Germans who'll have breakfast with us.

Okay. I guess.

Hey, guys. I am really sorry.

This was the most embarrassing thing to happen to me on this campus, and my underwear fell off at commencement.

Look, what's done is done.

Let's just... let's get out of here.

Maybe on the way back, we can stop on the Pizza Hut side of the rest stop?

Doesn't that sound good?

Mindy.

I know, let me take care of this.

Okay, yes. I did it, all right?

I intentionally sat on one of your footballs and destroyed it.

What? No.

I was just talking with the guys, and we decided, since it's such a nice day out, we'll just take the recruiting session out to the stadium.

I thought you needed the auditorium to show your highlights reel?

Oh, no, no. I mean, it's better if we don't, anyway.

The only team we b*at was Columbia last year, and that was only because half their team was off for the high holidays.

You're gonna give us the auditorium to do our presentation?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

I'm already back in road trip mode.

So we should probably just go.

We'll do... we'll do the presentation.

Thank you so much!

Oh, hey.

Well, that's all well and good, but we still have a problem.

The school still thinks the event's happening a year from now.

Who's even gonna come?

Well, we'll just do what he did, right?

We'll recruit people who seem like they'd be good candidates for "Later, Baby."

Oh, sure, where we gonna find them?

Yeah.

We'll get nerds.

I mean, I was a nerd in college for three years, till I discovered vodka crayons.

Like crayons you draw with?

Hey, does your ID get you into every building on this campus?

Yeah.

I have an idea.

Give me the fliers.

Thank you. Come on, let's go.

Set up the presentation!

Text me if you're sure, 'cause I just...

Set it up!

I just packed it.

I'm sure! Unpack it!

[stammering] Ugh, okay.

Oh, the Lewis Science Library.

Drew, I've got a lot of happy memories of this place.

Oh, right.

The Loser Science Library.

I've never even been in here.

Ugh, that's right. You're a jock.

What'd you major in, gym?

French literature.

[speaking French]

Oh! Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

Oui!

You have no idea what you're saying.

No. None whatsoever.

Ah, here we are.

Oh, Drew, isn't is beautiful?

Nerdius Americanus in their natural habitat.

So how're you gonna find out who's interested?

Well, first we'll start with the Koreans, whose immigrant parents will make them wait until they get a graduate school degree before they can go on a first date.

Oh, boy.

Um...

Janet, Eunice, Grace, Priscilla!

How do you know their names?

I guessed.

And now, the Indian girls.

They're not gonna finish their neuro residencies for another 12 years.

Anila, Dia, Priya!

And finally, the Jewish girls.

They want to marry Jewish guys, but all the Jewish guys are dating Asian girls, and they have to wait.

Hey, where my Jewesses at?

No, no, no, no, no.

I am uncomfortable with all the racial talk at a university.

Okay.

Shira, Rachel, Tamar!

Shabbat shalom.

It's not shabbat.

I know what you're thinking: who is this pedo, how'd they break into my library, why are they wasting my time?

I have a Lexus.

It's a lease, but that's a pretty big deal, okay?

I'm just a really cool, pretty, sexy, full-bodied Manhattan doctor who decided to have children in her 30s.

Yeah. Didn't work out with the dad.

But it's for the best. Do miss the sex, though.

The point is, I am here to help you take control of your own fertility.

No, oh...

All this to say, if you give me a mere hour of your time, I can teach you the secret of how you, too, can have it all.

And now, this handsome guy and I are gonna make it rain... information.

Fliers for a talk I'm about to give in about an hour and a half.

Eat it up, ladies! [paper crumpling]

Okay, guys, meet at the front entrance.

We'll lead you over.

And that is how you recruit.

My football players don't even listen to me like that.

Maybe I should talk to them?

I can come to their locker room.

Or their showers.

When do they shower?

No.

I could be on a romantic getaway in the country.

Making love on the grass of a battle site where hundreds of young men d*ed.

But no, thanks to Mindy, I'm getting ready for a presentation no one knows is happening.

Ah!

Stop blaming Dr. L, okay?

You are the one undermining the practice!

I didn't know microwaving fish would make the whole office smell.

I'm talking about the incident in her apartment the other night.

What incident?

When you brushed her hair out of her head while she was asleep.

Come on, man.

What... uh, what's the big deal?

Uh, there was a little bit of mayonnaise on her forehead.

Okay, well, that's very plausible, but still, she thought it was romantic, okay?

There was nothing romantic about it.

All I did was this.

[swoons]

I-I know that that is not romantic, but still, you got a girlfriend.

Stop sending Dr. Lahiri mixed signals.

Right, right.

And, also, me.

Let's just pretend that never happened.

Yes, it never happened.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Once you stop worrying about fertility, you can start worrying about what's really important.

Like getting through a lecture hungover.

I recommend Pedialyte through a Twizzler.

[laughter]

Ow! Ow...

Ow, ow.

You got to be careful.

I'm part of the presentation.

The first round of people to sign up will get a free "Hamilton"...

[crowd gasps]

CDs, not tickets.

What do you think we are?

We can't afford that.

Yeah.

Thanks so much for coming out, you guys.

Yeah!

[cheers and applause]

Oh, man, I used to love this place.

One time, I tried to dance on the bar...

But I didn't have the upper body strength to climb up, so I danced by the bar.

And...

Shut up.

Is that the coach from before?

Oh, my God.

More like Vince Lomhottie.

Oh, it is.

Hey, man.

Hey!

Hey. What's going on?

How'd the presentation go?

It went really well.

We signed up 16 new patients, so it was cool.

Hey, join us. Sit down.

Oh, five people in a booth, I don't know if that's safe.

Yeah.

Move over.

Come on, move over.

There's plenty of room.

I can go one butt cheek for this guy.

All right, all right.

Move over, you animals.

It's comfortable.

Aw, thanks.

So how was your day?

My recruitment went well.

I found a fullback who only has light asthma, so...

Well, if you're okay with asthma, I can be your Tom Brady.

Oh I don't know about that.

I think you might be a distraction to the team.

Or if you're looking for someone with sleep apnea...

[snorts]

Stop it, stop it.

No, I sleep like an angel.

[sneezes]

Oh!

Are you okay, sweetie?

It's nothing, it's nothing.

It's just, now that we moved, I'm directly under a vent, and it's very chilly.

Oh, you poor thing.

Well, maybe we should all leave and go someplace else that's not quite so drafty?

No, we just got our drinks. We're having fun.

Well, some of us are having fun, some of us are freezing.

You know, you guys work it out.

I'm just gonna see if the bartender can warm up this white wine. [sneezes]

Ah!

Okay.

So how long you guys in town for?

We leave tomorrow, 6:00 a.m. sharp.

Well, I'm glad I caught you, then, because this place has 10 cent wings.

Both: What?

Mindy, Courtney gave up our weekend together.

The least we could do is go someplace where she wouldn't be suffering.

Okay, well, good luck with that, 'cause she suffers everywhere.

Should I go?

Mindy, you owe Courtney and I an apology.

For what? For scoring us a dozen new patients?

Yeah, and I got a callback for "Spring Awakening."

Yeah, man.

You have been rude to us.

And, to quote Tim Gunn, "That is not a good look."

Okay, if Tim Gunn was here, he would say, "That's a lot of look."

[as Tim Gunn] "That's a lot of look!"

You know what? I am sorry.

I am so sorry that I had to spend a weekend making conversation with a woman who cannot tolerate Earth's atmosphere.

Yeah, you know, I'm gonna go.

No!

No!

Don't... ugh.

Son of a bitch.

Bye-bye.

Hey, man, what is your problem?

You haven't even given Courtney a chance.

You've been rude to her this whole trip.

Well, I don't understand why it's so important to you that I like your girlfriend.

We are coworkers. We do not need to socialize.

In fact, maybe you should leave.

Well, maybe I should.

No, no, don't go.

Bye-bye.

No, no, no, don't, Dr. K.

Sure, no.

No, we're not taking your money, man.

[sighs]

You chased everyone away. Are you happy?

No.

I mean, can you believe Jody?

Acting like it's my job to treat his pushy, sneeze-monster girlfriend like she's my sister?

Hey, I am the only sister you're ever gonna need.

Hey, Morgan.

I love that you've kept me company, but I-I really don't need, nor want, you to stay for the rest of the night.

You can't be alone after that fight.

Also, the hotel was out of rooms that didn't cost anything, so...

You can sleep on the floor.

Can we just watch some Pay-Per-View, please?

No p*rn!

Because I checked earlier, and I've seen them all.

[sneezes]

Okay, I turned the heat up to 90.

Oh.

Are you sure it's not too warm in here?

No, the hotel has heat.

We'd be fools not to take advantage.

I think I'm gonna put on another pair of socks.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Oh, you left your belt buckle in the car.

I grabbed it.

Belt buckle?

Yeah.

It's almost too heavy for me to carry.

Where'd you get it?

Uh...

Texas.

Will you excuse me, honey? I, uh...

I'm gonna go down to the lobby, get you a nice cup of boiling hot tea.

See, I gave everyone backrubs in prison.

My friend Choocho loved it.

m*rder*d his whole family.

[knocking]

Oh, my God, I didn't tell my parole officer I was leaving the state.

If it's a man named Jamar, I'm not here.

Good evening, Mindy.

Oh, uh... may I have a word with you?

Okay.

I just wanted to apologize about how harsh I was at that college tavern tonight.

You've really embarrassed me in front of a room filled with strangers.

Afterwards, sure, I embarrassed myself even worse by throwing up while doing karaoke, but still.

I wasn't supportive enough of you or our business, and I'm... I am sorry for that.

And I am sorry that I was rude to Courtney.

Eh.

It's just, she's so, like, annoying and, like, her stories suck, and she's, like, not really from Boston.

Kind of an apology...

But you seem to really like her, so she must be worth liking.

I can find some good in her.

Like, she always has gum.

Mm-hmm.

Okay?

Mm-hmm.

And she's pretty.

And she's probably smart.

And she seems to make you happy.

I just wanted to clarify something, though, with you.

I found this...

Hey.

Hello.

How are ya?

Well.

You guys doing, like, official work stuff?

Because if you are, I should be included in the conversation.

No, I was going...

We're having a private conversation.

Like, about patients and stuff?

It's not... it's like a regular hangout...?

You know what, we were actually in the middle of doing our hangout.

All right, well, I'll just... I'll let you get back to your evening.

Did you want to tell me...? Okay.

And I'll, uh, make sure Courtney's staying warm.

See you for breakfast.

Okay.

[door slamming]

Now this is your night.

You're gonna sit on the bed, and you're gonna look at my toenail and you're gonna tell me what the hell is going on.

Oh, God!

Is that scales?

It smells so bad.

I've tried sprays... I dumped a whole thing of Puff Daddy cologne on here.

[cell phone buzzing]

Hold on.

Oh, God, I have a kernel of corn in here.

You want to get a bite to eat?

Pizza emoji. Burrito emoji.

I have, like, a nail growing on top of this nail.

Yeah, and then we can poop emoji...

[giggles]

Oops, I meant party emoji. They're both in my frequently used.

Oh, I cut my finger on my own toenail!

Oh, man. Butler dining hall.

Mm.

Damn.

I have missed these cheesesteaks.

I used to have, like, four a night.

Well, that's the perks of working at a college.

Almost makes up for all the hacky sack.

Does your girlfriend hate hacky sack, too?

[laughs]

What?

I'm sorry, that was just so subtle.

Um, I almost didn't catch it.

No. No, no girlfriend.

Do you ever go up to Manhattan?

Well, it's funny you should ask, because I'm actually going up to watch spring practice at the Dalton School next week.

All punters.

Mm.

You want to come?

Mm, no.

I hate sports. I'd rather die.

Hey, dummy, I was just trying to ask you out on a date.

Oh, my God, um...

Yes, I would love to.

Wow, I'm really excited to see you next week.

Aren't we just gonna go to my place and have sex right now?

Damn, dude.

Too soon?

Super hot.

Um, I do have really thin walls, though, so you're gonna have to keep it down.

Oh, my God.

I live in Manhattan.

I'm all about thin walls.

I'll just shove a sock in my mouth.

Let's go.

Hey, guys, I'm sorry I was a little late this morning.

Courtney, are you okay with the AC?

Oh, I'm great.

I've got one of those silver blankets ambulances give out.

But thanks.

Hey, you shouldn't have abandoned me last night, okay?

I tossed and turned so much, I fell off the bed and I hurt myself.

I'm sorry, Morgan.

Wait, you didn't make it home last night?

Was it that football guy from the bar?

Maybe.

Oh, you go, girl!

That guy was hot and had a strong jawline.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

And he sure used that jawline last night.

Oh!

What?

Please, Mindy, there's a lady present.

Wasn't a lady present last night.

Oh!

Yes!

All right, let's pay attention to the road.

I know someone who got rode last night.

It was the coach!

Morgan!