05x12 - Ben-Semination

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Riley.

(grunts)

Coffee?

Is there something different?

Give me a minute, I'll figure it out.

I've decided that it is a brand-new day for Riley Perrin.

That's right, when Riley Perrin takes a punch to the heart, she doesn't just hit the mat like a loser.

No, no. Riley Perrin gets up and she starts fresh, starting with her living space.

Do you like it? Riley Perrin loves it.

Well, tell Riley Perrin that I came by to bring her some coffee and offer my support while she and Danny work through their...

...issues.

"Issues"? Really?

Is that what he said, that we're just having some issues.

Oh, okay. Well, if issues means putting his issue into someone else's issue and lying about it for seven years, then yeah, it's an issue.

And I think you've already had enough of this.

Sorry.

Oh God, I'm just... I'm not myself right now.

You know what would be so great?

A whole five minutes without having to think or talk about Danny.

You got it.

Riley, I heard all about you and Danny.

But don't worry. Mother's here, and everything is going to be okay.

We are going to go over every heart-wrenching detail, over and over and over again.

Then we'll talk about some of your other poor life choices... like your hair... and why you're still hanging out with losers.

Hey, Ben.

Hey, Mrs. Perrin.

(theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change directions ♪

I'll take that.

Your change. I hope you enjoyed your lunch.

And please remember for your next visit, we have several exciting items off the menu, but on the Benu.

By the way, I'm Ben.

Aw, you're adorable. Not happening.

Tucker?

Giselle. Hey, girl.

Nice to see you.

Thanks for the lunch recommendation.

See you next week?

I will be there.

Both: Dibs! I saw her first! No, I saw her first!

She's mine. All right?

Her name is Giselle, and I met her over a month ago.

And you're still at "Nice to see you"?

You've passed your sexpiration date.

What? It's kind of tricky. All right?

She works at a clinic I've been going to, and I only get a few minutes to talk to her before my appointment.

A clinic? Man, are you sick?

'Cause I accidentally used your toothbrush yesterday I've had a sore throat ever since.

No, man. I'm not sick. All right?

And it's actually more of a bank than a clinic, where you make deposits into little cups and your ATM card is in your pants.

Are you sure you're not sick?

'Cause you kind of sound like you are to me.

She works at a sperm bank.

I started to go 'cause I needed a little extra money.

Do you know they pay almost 200 bucks a deposit?

Oh my God! I'd be a millionaire by now.

Yeah, but they only let you go once a week.

Wait. Hold up.

I can't go again, but you can.

Yeah, and while you're there, opening up an account, I can get some quality time alone with her.

What do you say?

So you want me to leave work at peak business hours to go across town to do something I can pretty much do anywhere at anytime?

Yeah, you're right. Never mind.

I'll be at the bank!

(door opens)

Bonnie: All right!

Who's buying me lunch today?

Eenie-meenie-miney... mo.

Not now, Mom. I'm trying to focus.

Good idea.

Last time you got distracted doing push-ups, you broke your nose and we had to retile the kitchen floor.

No. I'm focusing on not thinking about Riley.

Sixty-six! Sixty-seven! Sixty-Riley!

Damn!

Why can't she just forgive me?

I mean, it happened seven years ago, and more importantly, I didn't lie.

And, of course, his whole defense is that he didn't lie, but we all know what I was asking him.

Semantics. It all comes down to semantics.

Well, let's hope you didn't use that two-dollar word on him 'cause I'm pretty sure he'll be about a buck 98 short.

Mom, how can I ever trust him again?

Oh, honey. When it comes to being a couple, trust takes time.

Time for the woman to realize you can never trust a man.

And don't worry, honey.

It's easy to win back someone's trust.

What's hard is trying to act like you've never met him when he's with his wife.

But don't worry.

This will all blow over once she starts to miss you.

Well, it's going to be hard for her to miss me since we're throwing that stupid engagement party for our stupid friends.

Rhonda and Jeremy. I mean, we're the ones who stupidly set them up in the first place.

Hopefully, after they get married, they'll move away so I won't have to see her stupid cheerful face at work every day.

I mean, it's like, we get it... you're happy.

Riley, you have to get ahold of yourself.

I mean, look at you. You've clearly hit rock bottom.

But, Mom...

No. Don't "But, Mom" me.

While I have never been a fan of the Wheelers... and please note I just said "Wheelers" without dry heaving... somehow, you bagged the good one.

And if you're not going to talk some sense into him, then I am.

Mom, no!

Look, I'm sorry, honey.

But you two belong together, and I'm not going to take no for an answer.

(gasps)

Jennifer.

Bonnie.

You know what, Danny? Some things aren't worth fighting for.

Pumpkin, you're still young, you'll find someone else.

Here you go.

I wasn't sure, so under "sex," I put "as much as I can."

All right.

If you want to come around here, I can just take a quick picture for your profile and we'll be done.

If you want to wait until after, I'll probably be smiling more.

So, you're in room three, just follow the instructions posted inside.

Make yourself comfortable and take advantage of the visual aids.

I'm good.

So, Giselle, that's a beautiful name.

Hold on!

I'm just kidding.

You guys chat. I'll get back to work.

Okay. We'll have everything set up at the bar by noon.

Can you order the champagne?

Or will that just be something else you forget and I'll have to hear about it seven years later?

Nice sh*t, honey.

Something Danny's coach has never said.

The champagne will be ready. You want to know why?

Because you specifically asked for champagne and not whether I had feelings for champagne.

Don't be afraid to take a sh*t at the mom too.

Okay.

Do you guys mind?

We're kind of in the middle of something here.

Yeah, Jennifer. We're trying to plan an engagement party here.

If you want to help, why don't you call the party planner and ask him to fill a truck of tables and chairs and then run you over with it.

Mom, please, just stay out of this.

It's already going to be hard enough with everyone at the party asking why we broke up.

Which is why we're not telling anyone.

So, bring your happy face. Got it?

Oh. I'll bring three happy faces.

'Cause I'm pretty sure, you'll make the first two mad.

(phone rings)

Oh God. Oh God, it's Rhonda. Happy face!

Rhonda, hi!

We are so excited about the party.

Aren't we, honey?

We sure are... monkey pants.

Just checking in to make sure everything is going according to plan.

Couldn't be going better.

Oh my God. You guys are so cute.

I just hope Jeremy and I are as happy as you two are.

You've really been such an inspiration to us.

Okay. Bye, guys!

I should probably...

Yeah, and I need to get...

Oh my God! Did you see that?

Rhonda's hair? Whoa!

No. Danny and Riley. They're so caught up in fighting, they can't see how much love that is still there.

Yeah. I don't know where they get their tempers.

(phone rings)

(shouts) Stop calling me!

My mother.

If we could just get them to have a moment, maybe they could build on that and start forgetting why they hate each other.

Oh my God. You're right.

We need to work together.

We have to be a team.

Yeah. We're a real Thelma and h*tler.

To be clear, you're h*tler.

Done. And I believe that was my favorite visit to the doctor's office, ever.

Actually, that's not true.

Dude! Dude, it worked.

Giselle and I are getting together later.

Hey, I don't know how it would come up, but if you ever need me to do that for you, I'm there.

Wait, dude. I think that couple is picking a donor.

What if they pick me?

Come on.

Do you really think anybody's going to pick you over the hundreds of other choices?

Come on, man. I'm in there too.

All right. That's true.

It was hard, but I think we made a decision.

Right, honey.

We did.

We'd like donor 4-11-17 to help us become a family.

Sorry, I'm late. Work was crazy.

Is it wrong I don't want to hear about your day?

Oh, but one fun thing happened.

And I'm hearing about it anyway.

Your friend, Ben, he got picked.

He was barely out the front door.

But don't tell him, it's totally against policy.

Oh my God. No, yeah. Hey, hey...

I would never betray your trust.

Would you excuse me for a moment?

Ben, you're going to be a father.

What?

Yeah, Ben. Giselle just told me that a couple picked you.

Tucker, you said I wouldn't get picked.

Yeah, well, I didn't realize there'd be a run on single-father, college-dropout sperm.

I might've embellished my profile a little.

Harvard med student, Olympic athlete who plays the drums?

Damn it! Even I want to have a kid with that guy.

You know what? Don't worry about it, okay?

This is not even a big deal.

Hey, Ben. I'm putting this case of champagne in the walk-in for that stupid engagement party.

Didn't you just put one in there?

Yeah. This one's for Mom.

Danny, can I ask you a quick question?

You ever think about donating your sperm?

Oh my God. Why would you say that?

You think things are never going to work out with Riley?

You think I'm never going to meet someone?

You think I'll never be able to have kids?

No! No. No. I just donated and I'm kind of having some second thoughts.

Well, you should.

I can't believe you of all people, who's got Emily, would be willing to bring another kid into the world.

Not knowing who the parents are going to be or how they're going to raise your child.

Just hope nobody picks you, man.

Wow. I was kind of hoping this would be one of those, "Hey, little bro. Don't worry about it" moments.

Anytime, man.

This is nice, isn't it?

Mm.

Celebrating young love that's embracing all their differences to become one.

Nothing makes me happier.

(laughs loudly)

It's so true, Jennifer.

Only that sweater you're wearing makes me happier.

I just love how it hides everything.

Thank you.

Danny, why don't you hold that ladder for Riley so she doesn't get hurt.

Oh okay. Because I'm a girl and I can't do anything by myself?

No, because you might fall.

Oh!

Thank you.

Anytime.

Aw!

This just reminds me of you guys up in that old tree house.

You two would just spend hours up there, just giggling and gossiping.

Yeah, that old tree house.

Spent a fortune on her broken wrist, but you can't put a price on their happiness.

Twelve-hundred dollars.

Well, when that much weight falls, something's going to shatter, including a brand-new lounge chair.

Forty-nine dollars.

And isn't it ironic that those stairs were so rickety, considering the man of the house was a supposed contractor?

Oh, that's right. He was actually sleeping with the contractor.

Aha! For your information, he was sleeping with the gardener!

Well, I see where you get it.

Where I get it? More like where you get it.

Oh, nice comeback.

Oh, your mom.

Now see what you've done?

I'm just going to go take this into the walk-in.

No, I'll take it, since I'm not sure you know this is just a punch bowl and not just a really big glass.

I've got two words for you: nose job!

Hey, hey, hey! Put it down!

You two are acting like children!

(shrieks)

(huffs)

Hey. Why don't you wring that out right in here?

Ah. The Old Woman in the Shoe.

It's a good one.

Speaking of too many kids, I may have just made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it'll be fine.

(older voice) Fine? Let's see how fine you think it is when I grow up and accidentally date my own brother.

Nice going, Dad.

(gasps)

Hi.

Tucker! We got to get my boys back!

I've invested a lot into making this relationship work.

I have never been so dehydrated.

Giselle. Hey, me again.

Look, I'm really sorry to bother you, but I kind of left a little something here yesterday that I'd like to get back.

Oh, that's okay. It happens all the time.

Really? Oh, wow. Thank you.

Uh... I was actually talking about my sample.

I forgot I already promised it to somebody else.

I'm sorry, but you relinquished all rights when you signed the contract.

Yeah, um, what if you happen to lose that contract?

Then I lose my job and you lose a date.

You signed a contract, man. I...

I'm sorry, but I have to get back to work.

Mr. and Mrs. Miller?

Oh my God. That's the couple that was here yesterday.

Dude, I bet you that's the couple that...

Ben?

Yeah. I can really see us growing old together.

It's almost like I can't wait till we die.

Enjoying the free show?

Speed it up, kid. Okay?

You're welcome.

Oh good. Are we going to make a toast?

No. I'm going to make a toast.

You are going to stand there slack-jawed and make me look good.

I'm gonna remind Danny and Riley how much they love each other.

(clears throat) Everyone!

I'd like us all to raise a glass to... him and... that girl!

But more importantly, to Danny and Riley whose own love brought them together.

And we should all remember that we're here because of Danny and Riley.

That's exactly what I just said.

Well, I...

And here's a little advice.

Never go to bed angry... even if your partner is a judgey, holier-than-thou know-it-all who never lets anything go.

But she won't have to be judgey, if her husband-to-be can remember to keep it in his pants.

And if he's taken it out, he might want to mention that now.

I'm starting to think your mom didn't get the beer with the sleeping pill in it.

I know how we can put an end to this.

Hey, Riley!

You idiot! You locked us in here!

How do you know it wasn't Danny?

Because my son loves me.

Yeah, it was probably Danny.

Hello.

Both: Hi.

I'm Doctor...

I'm the doctor, and I'll be performing the procedure today.

We're so excited. Should I put my feet up in the stirrups?

Oh God, no!

Uh, not until I've done the final test on the sample in question.

Do you have it?

No. Isn't that your job?

Yes, of course. Sometimes people like to bring their own.

Though we do charge a corkage fee.

Oh, here it is.

That's my coffee.

Good, 'cause the steam was starting to worry me.

Uh, I'll just... need another minute here.

We just have to get along for two more hours and then we don't have to see any of these stupid people's stupid faces ever again.

Hey, Nathan.

(glass tinging)

Excuse me.

If we can please have everyone's attention.

Jeremy and I want to take a moment to thank our dear friends, Danny and Riley, for hosting such a beautiful party for us.

Can you give Rhonda a mic and turn on the sound system?

Thank you.

(Feedback whines)

So what I was saying...

Bonnie: If you could've just shut up for two seconds...

Jennifer: Me? It's not my fault Danny and Riley broke up.

This engagement party is a disaster.

Bonnie: Who cares? They're never going to make it, anyway.

Riley told me everyone thinks Rhonda is a lesbian.

I... I said thespian!

You are terrific actress, Rhonda.

Dude, shut that off.

(grunts)

(Screams)

Jennifer: You know what the worst part is?

If Danny and Riley can't make it work, who can?

Bonnie: I just know that they're going to get through this.

I've never seen two people more perfect for each other.

Honey, I swear, she's just my roommate.

Rhonda!

(sighs)

I'm tired of fighting.

Me too.

How do we get through this?

We just have to figure out a way to make this work.

That's what I want too.

But... I mean as friends, not together.

For now.

If you add "for now," I'll be cool.

For now.

(whispered scream) Ben!

Ben, where are you?

Tucker?

What are you doing back here?

I'm looking for you.

Hey, look, I just wanted to apologize, for Ben, and maybe, uh, maybe you can let me make it up to you?

It's okay. A lot of first-timers freak out.

But I get off at 5:00.

Is that Ben's... little Bens?

You know I can't tell you that.

I know. I know. I'm teasing.

So you get off at 5:00?

Mm-hmm.

Did you say you like sushi?

Tucker!

Oh, my God.

Pay no attention to this woman, she's posing as a nurse.

That's our donor.

Our doctor's our donor? Oh, that doesn't seem right.

He is not a doctor.

I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Miller, but the insemination won't be taking place today.

I can't keep doing this.

Maybe it's time to stop trying.

If anyone's destined to be a mom, it's you.

Wow.

Never knew how hard some people have to work to make this happen.

Never realized what a lucky guy I am.

I don't know what I'd do without my daughter.

Honestly, you seem like you'd be great parents.

You know what? I'm going to help you start a family.

The donation was destroyed.

Oh, pfft! That's okay. I can totally make some more.

It just takes two seconds. What do you say?

I think you should call the police.

Already dialing.

Already going.

You know, I never got my 200.

Just keep it. Keep it.

Do you really think Riley should forgive him?

Mm. Look, I will defend my son to the grave.

But honestly, you do the crime, you got to do the time.

Really? I mean, I love Riley, but, good God, it was seven years ago.

It's not a donut, let it go.

I'm really glad to hear you say that.

I slept with your husband in high school before you did.

What? How could you?

Oh, now look who can't let it go.

But I'm telling you, when he got off the bus that day, he was a man.