01x03 - Phantom

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(DOOR CREAKING)

(BREATHING SHAKILY)

Neil?

(CREAKING CONTINUES)

Anyone?

(SOFT INDISTINCT WHISPERING)

(THUD)

Is someone there?

Neil? Is that you?

(GASPS)

Male voice: (WHISPERING) You don't deserve to be on the stage.

Get out!

Get off my stage.

(WOMAN YELPS)

(SCREAMING)

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

Man 1: (ON PHONE) Hello? I need your help.

Woman 1: My books are reading themselves.

Man 2: (ON PHONE) My truck's stolen itself!

Woman 2: (ON PHONE) The costume shop comes alive at night.

(INDISTINCT)

Banks: Yes, Mrs. Merrylease, it...

It's just that, you know, you think he's angry with you every night.

Siamese cats, they... They look angry by default.

You know, they have... They have very angular features.

They've got angular eyes, you know.

They're... They're like a witch's eyes.

Really?

Oh, you're talking about the tabby?

Yeah, no, well, they generally are more friendly-looking.

Look...

Gregor: (SOFTLY) Take it all off.

Mrs. Merrylease, I've gotta go now, okay? Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Gregor: Yes, he... He likes it.

Now you do it.

(WHISPERING) Take it all off.

Seriously.

Seriously, though.

No, no one's here. Banks is in the other room.

(EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMS)

Were you raised in a tent?

They're new sheets!

Were you on Lady Town again?

Was on Lady Town.

She's disconnected.

You... You should be ashamed of yourself.

A man of your age, stripping for... For a webcam.

I was just trying it out.

And anyway, it was Rhonda's idea. She's 56.

She's Sagittarian so she's adventurous.

I... I don't... I don't want any of this in my life.

Gregor, I really don't want you chatting up women on my bed, okay?

Now Banks, we both know there's only one way that you can get what you really want.

I already gave you $40.

That was for Babe Town. This is Lady Town.

(PHONE RINGING)

Babe Town's so yesterday, anyway.

(SIGHS)

Hello, Coolum Beach Police, Officer Banks speaking.

I'm sorry?

Did you say you'd hit a r*cist with your car?

Mr. Phillips?

No!

Mrs. Phillips.

Sorry, um, where are you?

Are you sure you've got the right address?

The racists live on the other side of town, near the butchers.

Well, yeah, this is what they said.

Yeah?

(WOMAN MOANING)

Far out!

Steady, Banks.

You could just... Stay off me.

"Sorry, had to hit and run, but I don't want to go to jail.

"I went there once and it was pretty cray-cray.

"Plus, she's a r*cist." Smiley face.

(STUTTERING) No, she's covered in black paint.

Ah, she's blacked up. It's disgusting.

She's breathing normally.

Really?

Okay, she's got a pulse.

Damn it.

(MOANING)

Okay, okay, lady?

Now, uh, can you hear me?

We're gonna get you out of here.

No, we won't.

Gregor, help me get her back to the truck.

I haven't had a r*cist in my truck for three years.

She's injured! We're not just gonna leave her here.

Now Banks, you and I both know the only way you're gonna get what you want...

I'll give you $40.

I'll grab her legs.

(WOMAN CONTINUES MOANING)

Come on.

Hi, um...

Are you... Are you feeling better?

I'm fine.

I should get back to work.

Right. Lucy, you've just been hit by a car.

It was only a Barina.

Okay.

(SIGHS)

Are you sure, you know, work can't just wait till tomorrow?

My boss'll be furious if I don't finish.

I'm sure he'd understand.

No, he won't.

He's had me working day and night.

He's a bully, and I always just do as he says.

(VOICE BREAKS) Always.

Lucy, let me tell you a story about a young man, a fat young man who did everything his boss asked him to do, no matter how humiliating.

(LUCY SOBBING)

I'm talking about Banks.

Yes. Yes, we know.

Good. Okay, thank you. Um...

What Gregor's trying to say, I imagine, is that you seem nice and hardworking, and you're honest, you know.

(STUTTERING) And they're really... They're good traits, you know.

And if your boss doesn't appreciate that, well, then he just doesn't deserve you.

Lucy.

But if I catch you blacking up again, it'll be go time, girly. Whoo-hoo!

Banks!

Shh! He's sleeping.

Banks, I want to talk to you, right now.

Banks: Ahem, yes. Yes, Sarge, just a minute.

Well, congratulations, he's awake now.

What are you doing here?

(RHONDA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON WEBCAM)

Ugh!

Rhonda: It's a cop! You told me no one was there!

There's always...

Neil: Disgusting.

(YAWNING)

Gregor: Morning, sleepy head.

Sarge?

Do you know any set builders?

Yeah... No, I don't.

Do you know why I need one, Banks?

No.

Gregor: Did I ever tell you, I was in a stage play of Jurassic Park...

Gregor!

Because last night, 24 hours before the premiere, you told my set builder to quit.

Morning, Banks.

Morning.

No.

Wait.

Lucy was working for you?

On a play?

Was.

And not just "a play", Banks.

The Phantom of the Opera.

And I'm the Phantom!

It's gonna be one heck of a show.

At least it was before you got involved.

Lucy just seemed really sad last night.

I'm sorry she's quit your play.

She's a r*cist, you know.

She's worse than that.

She's a vandal now, too.

Neil: There's been a few creative differences on this show.

Not everyone's been on board with my vision.

Some people want to take the easy option.

But I told them, I said, "If we're gonna do The Phantom, "then let's do The Phantom, okay? Gondola, subterranean lake, the U-boat."

And now, all ruined.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

U-boat.

Banks, I'm talking about the original 1942 production, during the w*r.

Didn't Andrew Lloyd Webber...

Andrew Lloyd Webber stole it from Coolum, added some cheesy show tunes, swapped out the U-boat for a gondola and made a fortune.

So the first production of Phantom was in Coolum during the Second World w*r?

That's right.

And this production's gonna put Coolum back in the spotlight, where it belongs.

Why is there a mouse?

Squid.

Squid.

It symbolizes the terrifying thr*at from the Germans.

Isn't that clear?

Yes.

It's really clear.

Yeah. Good.

Yep.

I want you to fix these sets, Banks. We open tomorrow night.

You, help him.

Why me?

Oh, I don't know! You're supposed to be town security.

You're supposed to keep an eye on this place at night.

I do!

Then how do vandals keep getting in?

Magic?

Right, instructions are on the podium. Paints are by the squid.

Mouse.

Squid.

Sorry, Sarge, look, is this really the best use...

Listen, Banks, this is a big deal for Coolum.

Okay? If you get this right, people around here might even start to like you.

Yeah... What?

Who doesn't like me?

Oh, Mr. Sheehan. (CHUCKLES)

Mr. Jacobson.

The Maski family.

The Maskis?

Mmm.

Seriously?

They like everyone.

Not you, Banks.

Just get it done.

I'll be back here at 9 a.m. tomorrow, and I had better see some razzle-dazzle, Banks.

Razzle-dazzle!

All right, I guess we'd better get started.

You know, Banks, you and I know there's only one way...

$40.

I'll get the brushes.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Hey, Banks?

Why don't you pay me to stand on one leg for the rest of the day?

Gregor, I can't keep giving you money to do things.

Can't or won't?

Can't.

I'm not made of money.

Well, neither am I.

I'm living from hand to mouth.

Where did you get those shoes?

Oh, they're new. (CHUCKLES)

They look good but they're incredibly uncomfortable.

Banks: Right.

What?

Oh, it's not finished yet.

What...

Why did you write "Fat Banks" under it?

I don't look like that, do I?

(DOOR CREAKING)

Shh! Shh!

Did you hear that? That could be the vandal.

Come on!

Now wait, Banks.

This place has a history.

If this is gonna be one of your stories, I really don't have time for it.

It's very short.

Can I have a guess?

Um, the theatre is haunted.

Yes! How did you know that?

Because every theatre has a ghost.

It's all theatrics, Gregor.

This place is no more haunted than... Than the caravan is.

Oh, so you've met Mr. Coops?

What? Who?

The caravan's ghost.

This young basketballer, on a freezing night once, choked.

(LIGHT SWITCH CLICKING)

Banks: Shh!

What is it?

It's a coolie. Still fresh.

He's here.

So your ghost smokes now?

I don't know.

But this brand of cigarette hasn't been made for 50 years.

Explain that.

Banks: Well, you heard Sarge.

There's been a lot of creative differences on the show, whatever that means.

I reckon it's like an angry stagehand's trying to get back at him.

Yeah, or an angry ghost leaving a message for someone.

Don't be ridiculous. No one's leaving any messages for anyone.

Automated voice: Say cheese.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

(GULPS)

When a ghost does this, it means you're gonna die.

Wait. Where are you going?

Toilet break.

You're just gonna leave me here on my own?

What's the matter? Scared?

Yes.

I'm scared about what Sarge is gonna say when he finds out we haven't finished this in time.

Would you like to come with me? Hold me Wang?

No. Just hurry up!

(GREGOR CHUCKLES)

(SOFT SCRAPING)

(DISTANT THUD)

Gregor?

Is that you?

(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)

Male voice: (WHISPERING) You are not worthy of my stage!

Gregor?

Is that you?

(DOOR CREAKING)

(GASPS)

Whoa, stop. Hey.

Male voice: (WHISPERING) Behind you.

(YELPS) Stop! I'm a policeman!

You're trespassing!

Hello?

(LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS)

(GASPS)

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Who keeps moving around in here?

Hello?

Ah! (PANTING)

(DOOR CREAKING SHUT)

(PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES)

(RECORD SCRATCHING)

We are not alone.

Jesus! Don't do that!

(PANTING) Where were you?

Toilet break, but I got a stiffy and I couldn't go.

And I heard you squealing, so I came to investigate.

There was someone up there.

What'd they look like?

They were whispering and, I don't know.

They had a stupid costume on.

A mask and, like, a cape.

Something like this?

(SIGHS) Yes.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Burt Ferguson.

The genius behind the original play.

Matinée reviews were fantastic.

Burt felt that it was his ticket to the West End.

But then tragedy happened.

On opening night he dropped dead, right there on stage in front of everyone.

Heart att*ck.

Gout.

Poor bugger never got to finish his show.

And they say that's why he roams these halls, just searching for an audience so they can watch him perform that... last scene of his play.

Yeah. It's not a ghost, Gregor.

It's a vandal, okay? And it's guilty of... of trespass, willful destruction of property, and now... smoking in a non-smoking theatre.

Coolies. It's Burt's favorite.

(STUTTERS)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION) No! The set!

Oh, the squid!

Burt is one really pissed-off poltergeist.

How is this guy getting in?

Gregor: Magic.

I am gonna catch this damned vandal!

You can't catch him, Banks. He's ectoplasm.

See, you've got it all wrong.

He doesn't need to be caught, he needs to be released.

For 70 years now, poor old Burt's been stuck between this world and the next, waiting to take his final bow.

We can give him that chance, Banks.

We can help him to cross over.

I want to help him get to jail, Gregor.

That's it.

None of this stuff's any good.

This cross could come in handy.

Oh, so he's a vampire now, is he?

Not for tonight.

(DOOR CREAKING)

(SHUSHING)

(FOOTSTEPS)

(WHISPERING) What? What are you doing? Where did you get that?

Shh! Shh!

You shush!

We're not k*lling him. Don't!

(BOTH SHUSHING)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(STRAINING)

Banks: (YELLS) I'm a policeman!

And a night security man!

Kath?

Banks.

Gregor: Yeah!

(AXE THUDDING)

Banks: Gregor!

Kath: Put that fizz down, Gregor.

Sorry, I just wanted to apologize again, about before.

Don't worry. It happens all the time.

Really?

No.

(SIZZLING)

(WINCING)

So, um, Sarge has, uh, roped you in as well?

Yes, Neil has roped everybody in.

He wanted me to play the love interest, but I don't know, with him playing the Phantom, it would have been weird after what happened.

Between us.

And, um, are you gonna be here for opening night?

Unfortunately.

Well, maybe I'll... I'll bump into you then.

Like before?

Yep.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

No, sorry, again about that. That's... Sorry.

Forget it.

But you? Gregor, you've got to be a little bit more careful with that axe, young man.

That's not what Rhonda says. Ooh.

(GREGOR AND KATH LAUGHING)

Look out. See ya.

Yeah.

See ya.

You know, she likes you, Banks.

You think?

Mmm.

Burt: Indeed.

She would make a marvelous Christine.

Who are you?

Burt: Ow!

Okay, I am gonna have to ask you a few questions.

Ah, no, I'm afraid you can't smoke in here.

(GREGOR CHUCKLES)

So, can you tell me your name please, sir?

Erik.

The Angel of Music.

Right, that's the character's name, isn't it?

He's using the method. (CHUCKLES)

Like all the great masters.

Olivier, you know, de Niro, Stamos.

Well, Erik, can I ask why you've been breaking all the sets?

Because it's my show, and they're ruining it!

Who's ruining it?

That other actor in my role.

He's changed the script.

Instead of the Phantom torpedoing a boatload of Jerries, he's harpooning a giant mouse!

It's a squid, actually.

It's meant to symbolize...

What's that going to do for morale?

There's bombs raining down on Darwin!

There's midget subs off the coast.

The people are afraid, God damn it!

They don't want a metaphor!

They want to see the stage (GASPING) soaked in fascist blood!

All right. Okay, all right.

(BOTH BREATHING DEEPLY)

It's okay.

(EXHALING) Relaxing breaths.

Okay. (SHUSHING)

(WHEEZING AND COUGHING)

(SHUSHING)

(BURT GASPING)

(COUGHING)

What are you doing?

Phoning the Sarge.

It's a prop phone.

This guy has dementia, or something.

He's not demented, he's just a ghost with gout who doesn't know he's dead.

He's an old man, with dementia.

He's a ghost who has to finish his play, the one he started, to cross over.

And we can help him, Banks.

Well, Gregor, we both know that there's only one way that you're gonna get what you want.

Sign here, here and here.

Right, and if I do sign this confusing and ridiculous thing, then I will get all my money back?

The whole 300?

Two hundred and seventy six.

Uh, Burt can be our witness.

(BURT HUMMING)

(MISSILES WHISTLING)

Banks: Can we get on with this, please?

(expl*si*n)

Gregor: Break a leg.

Erik. Erik, where are you going? The snow is falling.

I cannot stay, my love.

The enemy is near.

The battle calls me back.

I will keep my word, dear Erik. I will be your wife when you return.

Then may I lift my mask a little and steal a kiss from my love?

What?

What... We didn't say anything about a kiss.

Then may I lift my mask a little and steal a farewell kiss from my love?

I... I know that you are repelled by me, but I shall be at sea for the longest time, and all I ask is a kiss from my sweetheart.

Kiss me.

Wait, is that...

Is that a...

Yes, it's a cold sore.

First-night nerves.

No. No, I'm not doing this.

He's got a cold sore!

2B. I told you to read the swirls.

Kiss me.

Kiss him!

(GROANS)

Goodbye, brave soldier.

Goodbye, sweet Christine.

Your love will forever protect me.

(INHALES)

How are you gonna transfer the money?

It is over.

I've lived!

I've loved!

There is... no more.

(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

(LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS)

Burt: Thank you for believing.

Neil: It's 9 a.m.! Razzle-dazzle time, Banks.

Banksy.

How's my set coming along?

Sarge?

What's my cape doing on the ground?

Where's he gone?

He's crossed over.

He's escaped!

Neil: Banks! What are you doing?

No one's escaped!

I want some razzle-dazzle, okay?

This is not an amateur production, Banks.

Razzle-dazzle!

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

I have lived.

(INHALES SHARPLY) I have loved.

There is... no more!

(GROANS)

(BOTH GIGGLING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

(MAN SHOUTING)

That was f*cked.

He should have done A Bug's Life.

That was f*cked! I should have done A Bug's Life.

(KATH AND BANKS GIGGLING)

So... (CLEARS THROAT)

Anyway, Kath, uh, I was...

I was wondering whether you wanted to grab a bite or something.

Are you asking me out on a date?

No. No, no. No, no, no. No.

No, um, just grabbing dinner.

Nothing... special.

Oh.

Well, if it's just grabbing dinner and nothing special, then...

I would love to.

Anyway, I should get back to the bar.

Everyone's gonna need a drink after that sh*t.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I really thought she'd say no.

Honestly.

Really?

Well, I filed a report on Burt.

We haven't found him yet, but we will.

Gregor: Best of luck with that, Romeo.

But Burt's taken his final bow.

We won't be seeing him again.

Burt: No more!

Banks: Gregor... (SIGHS)

You're being ridiculous, okay?

It's scribble.

It says by law, if one person at the time of the writing of the contract is disabled in any way, the contract is void!

You're not disabled.

I'm 90.

You're 47. I need that money.

No way.

Okay. Well, I guess I'll just go without food this week.

And I suppose I'll have to just (INHALES) cancel my dinner with Kath.

Ah, no, look, you can't go without dinner for a whole week.

I'll pay half.

Where... Where are you...

(CLATTERING)

Where are you going?

What are you doing?

You keep a safe in my bedroom?

Well, it's a place no one ever goes.

Would you prefer to be paid in blood diamonds or cash?

Diamonds.

Then cash it is.

Something for dinner.

There you go. (LAUGHS)

Oh, and a little extra.

You know, for afterwards. (GROWLS)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello, Coolum Beach Police, Officer Banks speaking.

Man: (ON PHONE) Hey, the costumes at Michael's Costume Hire are fighting with each other! Mickey and King Kong!

(MICKEY SCREAMING)

He's k*lling him!

(KING KONG ROARING)

(MICKEY WHIMPERING)