05x10 - No es Facil

Episode transcripts for the TV show "House of Lies". Aired January 8, 2012 - June 12, 2016
"House of Lies" is a dark comedy-drama about a cutthroat management consultant and his team, who will stoop to any means necessary to get a result.
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05x10 - No es Facil

Post by bunniefuu »

Cuba strategy for the Kohl brothers. Let me hear it.

Marty: Previously on House of Lies...

Communists stole our birthright.

We're gonna take back what's ours.

Marty: We are orbiting the f*cking payday to end all f*ck paydays.

Jeannie: Assuming your ex-wife doesn't win the offer first.

Seven times my revenue.

When Skip buys my firm, that's what he's gonna put in my pocket.

Maybe we take this away from Monica.

Well, f*ck yeah.

Ron: Skip just called, and the Kohl brothers are going with Monica.

Until they sign on that dotted line, we can still win this thing.

Take off the Coke-bottle glasses. You lost.

Marty: Monica hacked into our server.

Something you could use to your advantage, since she doesn't know you know.


You want to win this thing, right?

I don't know.

Marty: We're going 55,000 miles an hour toward Cuba, and you want to slow down.

[♪ theme music plays ♪]

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

[♪ dark music playing ♪]

♪ ♪


[♪ dark music continues ♪]

♪ ♪

[kids chattering in Spanish]

[soccer ball bouncing]

[♪ Cuban music playing ♪]

Where's the g*dd*mn hotel?

How close are we to the office we're going to later?

Oh, no, we're not going to an office, Jeannie.

No, the Cubans like to do business in cafes and restaurants. Yeah.

[camera clicks]

Yeah, they're collegial people, swashbuckling, just impossibly romantic.

How do you shut this thing off? Is it a button inside or...?

You know, as Graham Greene once said, [Cuban accent] "In Havana, anything is possible."

Did he say it with that stupid accent, or how did he say it?


[crowd chatter stops]

Welcome to Cuba. [chuckles]

Oh, the perfect jewel of newly-budding capitalism.

Like a long-dormant socialist succulent, one that somebody forgot to water for 50 years.

But today, f*ck, today Marty Kaan is up in this joint, ready to make it rain for my new best friends, the Kohl brothers, who are gonna spend so much of their dirty, sexy money on buying my company that I officially do not have to give a f*ck about another thing for as long as I live.

Oh, yes, we are gonna put a five-star hotel on every beach, a world-class golf course in every farmer's field, f*ck it, a Starbucks on every corner, because today, today, we start making this Marty Kaan's Cuba, profit-turning Cuba.

You might as well call it "Cuba the resort," because by the time I'm done with this place, it is gonna jingle and shine and spit money like a five-dollar slot machine.

[crowd chatter resumes]

Ooh, nice.


Don't have any bars.

Oh, f*ck no.

I know. I haven't seen a single hybrid.

No, no, look in f*cking front of you.

Oh, great. You know, my balls literally ascend into my viscera when I see her.

Mine, too.

Kaan & Asycophants, huh?

Marty: Monica, Monica, Monica.

Oh, you'd be so much more handsome without these warts and goiters.

You should really have them removed.

And let's talk about how sad it is that you're here pursuing business that you're never gonna get.

Ah, well, you know, we just wanted to see the place before you r*ped and pillaged it.


You gonna introduce us to your friend?





Skip: Really?

You lose, but you show up anyway.

I don't know, that seems undignified.

But I guess it's the right of the vanquished to sift through the ashes of their ruined village.


It's good to see you, too, bud.

Wait a minute, did we miss a memo?

Because I seem to remember the Kohl brothers indicating that this whole thing was still up for grabs.

And that you were a p*ssy.

They did say that.

Clyde: Also, Skip, you look like Ricky Ricardo f*cked Justin Bieber.


Just all over your shirt.

[both chatter excitedly]

Doug: You look like such a tourist.

All right, all right, you know what?

Let's just play nice, everybody, okay?

It's a bountiful country.


There's plenty for everyone.

All right.

Skip, I'm gonna actually, if you don't mind.

[car horn honks]

man: Taxi!

Wait. [chuckles]


What you got working, Marty?

Now, what makes you think I got something working, Mo?

Oh, because of your f*cking tell.

You see, quiet, humble Marty... that means he's got a shiv in his palm.

You know what? Just enjoy Cuba, baby.

And thank you for letting me know I have a tell.

Yeah, no problem.

There's plenty more where that one came from.

What? Oh, my God, what happened?


The hell is wrong with you?

What happened?

What did you do?

Don't you dare.

Did someone hit you in the face?

I know...

What's wrong?

That's so dangerous.

You can get an infection like that.

Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't know you can get an infection.

Oh, yeah?

I had no idea. I had no idea.

You can get an infection.

I've taken two Ambien, okay?

And I really need to catch my sleep window, so cut it out!

Okay. I'm sorry, for real.

I apologize.


No, I'm sorry. Maybe I overreacted, but...

I didn't know it was gonna wake you up, first of all.

For real, I'm sorry.

Well, it did wake me up.

[sighs] Excuse me.


Ugh. I'm a child.

That's my problem; I don't f*cking grow up.

Got to learn.

No way. Twice? No.

I don't believe it.

You know what?

What, it happened again?!

I can't be near you. I can't...

It wasn't me that time!

Don't follow me.

For real, it wasn't me that time.

You are a child.

You're a child.


Hello. Pardon me. Do you mind terribly if I sit here?

Oh. Well, of course you can sit here.

Oh, thank you.

Clyde: Hey.

Marty: Hey.

[clears throat] Just trying to focus on this, you know, make sure we're bulletproof on all this Cuba stuff.

I think we're in pretty good shape.

[scoffs] You do?


Well, if we can secure these long-term leases in our first meeting, and then, you know, walk that into our meeting with the Secretary of Commerce, with all that nailed down, then we might be all right, yeah.

Everything good?

You want to be more vague?

With you and Jeannie.

I mean, you're not sitting next to each other.

She's got her headphones on; she only does that when she's pissed off.

Hey, Clyde.

So, mind my own f*cking business.

Copy that. You got it.


Sorry. Bueno.


What about you though?


What are you gonna do with all that cheddar?

All the time on your hands?

You mean if we win this thing?



Guess I'd live the dream.

What does that look like?

I have no f*cking idea.


Jeannie: Guys?

I'd probably build houses for people who can't afford houses.


That's probably me, right?

No, I don't...


Oh, no, I'm not gonna do that.


I'm definitely not gonna do that. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.



Oh, f*ck.

[both panting]

Oh, memory, please do not hit "record."

I got it. Don't even worry about it.

Thank you, Ambien.

[phone beeps]

Marty: Isn't this one of those situations where, you know, we should say something to save him the embarrassm...


No! No, no.

I wonder if we'll have time to see Ernest Hemingway's house.

[scoffs] That simpleton?

Seriously, Doug? Ernest Hemingway?

All those five-word sentences?

"Word senten..." That's a five-word sentence!

So pretentious.

Two-word sentence.

You cut the fat a bit.

How about you guys shut the f*ck up and listen, okay?


Guy we're meeting is named Samuel Orozco.

Zobel seems to think he's a real asset, okay?

Managed to make a pretty good dent in the marketplace here.

Yeah, but a dent's not gonna do it for the Kohl brothers.

They're gonna want to eat Cuba for breakfast.

And we are going to feed it to them, all of it.

Oh, kind of like how you fed your tongue to Granny on the plane. Do you remember?

Oh, God, ugh.


Look, I don't remember too much, thanks to the Ambien, but what I do remember was pretty hot.

Ah, I don't know. She kind of made a beeline for the exit the second we landed.

Where are you, my sweet mystery lover?

Ah, probably d*ad of natural causes by now.

Oh! Let's go that way.


So what does phase one of your Kohl brothers project look like, Doug?

Well, my initial projection is 18 hotels and resorts, four of their hotel brands across all the mid-to-upper price points.

Ooh, I'll take a hotel on Atlantic, Pennsylvania and Park-o Place-o, por favor.

You know what? A fun Cuba fact is that the classic Parker Brothers game Monopoly is actually illegal here.

Wow. Irrelevant and who gives a f*ck?


You really think if we kiss this guy into the deal, he'll help us make this happen?

Well, we'll see.

Samuel: Marty!

I mean, you got another play?

[band singing Cuban music]

[band continues singing Cuban music]

♪ ♪

Samuel: You feel it?

Uh, well, I feel...

Samuel: You feel something.

But you're no longer really on point.

Your agenda is cloudy.

You have a feeling that you left something behind, but in that way where you really have no idea what that thing that you left behind is.

Doug: Yes.

[chuckles] Oh, my God, get out of my head, Cuba man.

Clyde: Okay.

That's very accurate, but I am also a little bit drunk, so...

Me three.

It's this place.

For good and bad, it'll redirect you.

Let me guess... you've done your little consultant regression models that project that you can build this many hotels and lease this much land, and that your market growth will be equal "X" and that your profit will be "Y," yes?

Well... Pretty much.

[chuckles] Yes.

Well, here's the thing.

All of that... [whistles] throw it in the ocean.

You can't quantify anything here.

In Cuba, nothing will go the way you think.

Nothing will match your charts and projections.

If you want to do business here, you have to surrender.

The guiding worldview of contemporary Cuba:

"No es fácil."

"It's not easy."

Nothing here right now is easy.

That doesn't mean that it's not worthwhile or good, just... that it's not easy.

And that's after you turn yourself inside out.

Everything that you believe in and you stake your business on, here it's a bad word.

"Capitalism," "free markets," "trickle-down economics."

Cuba exposes all of that for the pile of bullshit that it is.


So sometimes it'll be a disaster, and sometimes it won't.

[chuckles] Sometimes you'll be so happy that you cry.

But none of it... none of it... will be what you expect.

Señor, uh, everything in business is quantifiable.

Assuming that there is a series of constants.

But in Cuba, the only constant...

Is that nothing is constant.

La rubia wins the prize.

Bueno. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

Tomorrow, the leasing company.

Buena noche.

Doug: Uh, buena noche.

♪ ♪

Clyde: So we walk out of this morning's meeting with a commitment for the long-term leases.

Marty: And we walk that into the big meeting with Commerce tomorrow.

Jeannie: We're prepared. Why do I feel dread?

Marty: Guys, we're late. All right, showtime.

Samuel: Ready?

Marty: Listos.

[door closes]

Jeannie: f*ck.

Didn't even finish the pitch.

Doug: Well, that was horrible.

Clyde: Our meeting with the Commerce people has to go better than that.

Marty: [scoffs] f*cking shit show.

Samuel: Marty...

Marty: I know. I know.

"No es fácil."

How did you think it would go, eh?

Did you think Cuba just spreads her legs and lets you take her?

Guess she's not like Jeannie.

f*ck you, Clyde.
[♪ Cuban folk music playing ♪]

♪ Ugh ♪
♪ Lengua mía está llamando arriba'Nganga ♪
♪ Arriba e'Sarabanda, arriba e'Siete Rayos ♪
♪ Cuando lengua mía está llamando ♪
♪ Tó los mundeles de la tierra vienen a trabajar ♪
♪ Cuida'o que te quemas ♪
♪ Te quemas ♪
♪ Agua pa fuera ♪
♪ Pa'la calle ♪
♪ Aye no mas, aye ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Yo vo'a casa e'Chabaleta ♪
♪ Que hay un toque de bembé ♪
♪ Allí está Má Teresa Hagasín ♪
♪ Ya usté'va a vé ♪


♪ Cuando allá empieza la fie'ta ♪
♪ Se toca bembé na'má ♪
♪ Y ya pa'la medianoche ♪


♪ Pa' mayombe se virá ♪
♪ To'los negros allí se juntan ♪
♪ Reviven su religión ♪
♪ Cantándole a los orishas ♪
♪ De su lejana nación ♪
♪ Y ya para terminar ♪
♪ Que la noche está 'cabando ♪
♪ Lo'n*gro' empieza'a cantar ♪
♪ "Cañaveral 'tá quemando" ♪
♪ Cañaveral 'tá quemando ♪
♪ Cañaveral 'tá quemando ♪
♪ Cañaveral 'tá quemando ♪
♪ Cañaveral 'tá quemando ♪
♪ Cañaveral 'tá quemando ♪
♪ Con licencia e'to'mi ganga ♪
♪ Cañaveral 'tá quemando... ♪
♪ Vacuna son de cunañanga ♪
♪ Cañaveral 'tá quemando... ♪
♪ Que vo'a llamar a Carabela ♪
♪ Cañaveral 'tá quemando... ♪
♪ Camposanto tiene luto ♪
♪ Cañaveral 'tá quemando... ♪
♪ Ahora mi'mo tú va ve'... ♪

[both speaking Spanish]

Clyde: Hey.

Doug: Mucho gusto.

Hi. Hola, hola.


Doug: Wow, look at this, huh?

Gracias, gracias, Pedro.

Gracias, señor.

Do you have any idea where we are?

Yeah, lost.

[band playing Cuban folk music]

Hey, you know what, I think it's around the corner back here.

Let's... let's go this way.


No, thank you.


Hello, Jeannie? Let's go.


What do you mean "no"? We're...

We're in the middle of somebody's wedding.

You understand that? Okay?

A bunch of people you don't even know.

Maybe I want to be here, Marty.

Maybe I want to be in the middle of this wedding, because these people seem very happy, and I'm not.

Great, so you want to stay here at a wedding that we weren't invited to and hang out with a bunch of people that we don't know?

Yes, assh*le!


I do.

And I'm going to stay here, and I'm gonna dance with these beautiful people, and if you don't like it, tough shit.

Go back to the hotel and review your spreadsheets.

Jesus, Jeannie, why don't you stop being so dramatic right now.

f*ck you, Marty!

f*ck you!


[speaking Spanish]

Yes, thank you.

Marty: Oh, you... [chuckles] you're very naughty.

Ah, you're very drunk.

Perfect relationship.


So, Martydaddy, are you gonna f*ck my thing up?

'Cause I worked really hard on this acquisition, and I feel like I won fair and square.

Oh, God, honestly, Monica, I am over it.

Really, I'm over it.

I mean, Cuba was never gonna go for the Kohl brothers, right?

f*ck it, really.


Listen, I like it here.

I like the people.

I-I like the-the music.

[chuckles] The food, the culture, everything.

I-I... I like the pace, the slow, sustainable growth.

Oh, really?

'Cause I like rapid growth.

And that is a great example of rapid growth.

[translating in Spanish]

But nobody goes from zero to hero like the Chinese, though.

Am I right?

Skip: Nobody.

Ch-China no pro-problemo comunista.

Monica: I mean, sure, they've got billions of people, but it's not about that.

It is about a willingness, a willingness to fully exploit your labor force, your natural resources.

It is a willingness to actively, aggressively deregulate and reach a climate of maximum growth potential.

Are you saying it exactly like I'm saying it?

I try.

Of course. [chuckles]

My clients, the Kohl brothers, can make this happen for you by rolling out the most extensive private capital foreign investment plan in contemporary history.

[speaks Spanish]

That's enough.


[speaks Spanish]


[man speaks Spanish]

translator: This is... an affront to everything we stand... for...

I'm sorry, I can't, I can't hear you.

...and on top of that, it's a bad business.

We're finished.

Monica: "About business"?

No, no, I don't think you understand what I'm saying.

It's, uh, bueno business.

What I... in... conversely, what I'm trying to say is that...

Told you they'd never go for it.


Monica: ...China is the opposite model of what we want to pursue here in Cuba.

Calling me a liar?

I think that it's getting lost in transla...


I don't know if you're, I don't know if you're saying it exactly like I'm saying it.

Maybe I am, f*ck.

I can hear you. I can hear you, and I don't know if it's...

Nobody calls me a liar without spilling some blood, liar.

Well, maybe we need... you and me need to spill some f*cking blood...

Sean: f*cking f*ck.

[everyone chattering]


Uh, siéntate, por favor.

No, it's just...

[indistinct shouting]

Don't translate what they're saying.

Just stick with what I'm saying.

What I'm saying is, China...

Come back. Okay...

Yeah, yeah, you want to go?!

f*cking liar, I'll f*ck you up!

You want to f*cking go?

Progress is the enemy in-in that way.

[indistinct shouting]

[speaks Spanish]

Monica: China is not the focus.


[under her breath] f*cking Marty.

♪ ♪


[both grunting]

No, no, no, no, no, no!

f*cking Marty!

You f*ck!



[indistinct chatter]

[guitar playing gentle music]

That's great, thanks.

This is good.

I like it here.

Yeah, it's nice.

[chuckles] No, I mean... here, you know, Cuba.



It's nice, too.

But it doesn't want the Kohls, does it?

18 brand-new luxury hotels...

...golf courses, Starbucks, f*cking TGI Fridays.

Would you want that for it?

Ah, f*ck.


Yeah, f*ck.

No es f*cking fácil.


Marty: Cuba was never gonna go for the Kohl brothers, right?

f*ck it, really.

And you know what? I like it here.

I like the people and the, the food, the music, culture... all of it.

[stammers] I like the pace.

The slow, sustainable growth?

Oh, really?

'Cause I like rapid growth.




[chuckles] No, no, no, no, look.


You don't want... you-you got what you want.

Mm-hmm. Hmm.


It's another one of your tells.

What is that?

Not f*cking me.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Clyde: So you told her the truth?

Told her the truth.

And now we just...

That is correct.


[clears throat] Wait, I'm confused.

I told her the truth.

And now we are going to tell her "the truth."

On Opposite Day.

Oh, Opposite Day!

I love Opposite Day.

Ding, ding, ding.

I mean I hate Opposite Day.

Ding, ding, ding!

Feed her an e-mail that she will promptly hack.

See, you're welcome.

If it weren't for my intellectual curiosity, we would never be able to manipulate Monica like this.

Oh, my God.

"Intellectual curiosity"?


Are you f*cking kidding me? You opened up dirty spam!

You tried to jerk off in the office!

To jerk off in the office.

So sorry, Doug.

Thank you for being a horny idiot.

Clyde: You're a hero.

We send the counter-hack detailing how Cuba is in the mood for a China-style, balls-out expansion, everything.


Just exploit the labor force. f*ck the environment.

Yep, all of that.

And then we watch her.

And then we watch her...

[expl*si*n sound effect]

Clyde: But wait, hold up.

If that's a bad strategy, then what's our play, because outside of some sexy details, it's sounding an awful lot like what we were going in with.



Um... about that.

[inhales deeply] Ooh...

I think I'm gonna like this very much.

I f*cking knew it. I f*cking knew it!

So, just so I'm... We're adjusting our strategy.

No, dum-dum, we're not selling to the Kohls.

Wait, what?!

On-on Opposite Day, though, right?

Doug, forget Opposite Day.

Remember Opposite Day... that's what you mean!

Doug, Doug, it's over.

Remember Opposite Day!


It's over.

Listen, Cuba was never gonna go for any version of what the Kohl brothers want.

And do you really want to subject this country to that particular form of... aggressive imperialism?

"Imperialism," really?

Or is it just passion?

I get it Dougie, you want the money.

I will buy him out if he shuts the f*ck up!


On Opposite Day.

On Opposite Day.

[band playing Cuban music]

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪


Jeannie. Jeannie.

Jeannie, Jeannie.


I think you should marry me.

That's not funny, Marty.

[exclaiming in Spanish]

[crowd cheering]

God, you're such an emotionless robot, that's not...

I think we should get married.

[speaks Spanish]

I thought you were...

[translating in Spanish]


I'm serious.


You're asking me to marry you right now?

I am.

And you're not f*cking with me?


I'm not.


O-Okay, you get that I'm not f*cking with you or...?

Okay, yes, okay.

I would like to marry you.

[crowd cheering]

But I think we should acknowledge that, that we, we are...

Y-Yeah, we're working people.

We will, we...

We work, we, we work.

We, uh...

[translating in Spanish]

We work.

We're not gonna sell the business that we worked our asses off to build all these years.

Not yet.

We're not gonna just stay home and raise a kid.

That's nothing to be ashamed of.

I mean, it won't be easy, but we can, we can do both.

That's right.

So I guess we tell the Kohl brothers...

To f*ck off.

I mean, in better words than that, but yeah.



[crowd cheering]

I love you, Jeannie.

[band playing Cuban music]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪

Oh, shit!

Watch your briefcases, guys!

Marty, please, please! Just two minutes.


Two minutes!

Okay, but I smell some despair.

Yeah, I smell it now. [smacking lips]


Ha, ha, I get it, listen.

Now, I don't blame you for rubbing my nose in it.

I really don't... Marty, I have a real offer!



But, look, the Kohl brothers...

Skipper, Jesus Christ.

Sorry, excuse me.

Just go, will you?

The Kohl-Kohl brothers know you're the guy.

They've... they've always known it.

What about this? I bring you back in the door and then we-we, we both win!

We all win, we all...

Yeah, I mean, we all would win.

The problem is, you don't lose, you know?

And you see, my old f*ck buddy, your losing is tantamount to a win.

Clyde: You see, Skip?

It's win-win-lose.


Doug: It's a win for you.

On Opposite Day.

On Opposite Day.

Vámonos, señor.

All right, Skip.

Adiós, Skip.

Fantastic to see you, buddy.


[seagulls cawing]



Oh, Marty.


Good morning, Mrs. Kaan.


Marty, did you marry me last night?

Yep, yep, I think I might've.

Did you steal this car last night?

Uh... no, that was you.

You stole the car.



[both chuckling]

[♪ Cuban hip-hop playing ♪]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]


♪ ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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