01x12 - How to Survive Dating

[bunniefuu]

In your 20's, dating can be exhausting, and if you're doing it for the wrong reasons, it can make you feel like, well... garbage.

And also, sometimes, like the walls are closing in.

(chuckles)

I just can't miss today.

Help?

Help!

My name is Cooper Barrett. My friends and I are here to mess up our lives so you don't have to.

Damn it, Barry.

I forgot how hard you hit, man.

(laughs) I like to think of myself as an unbleached Sammy Sosa.

Could you guys spare a moment to save a child's life?

Ah, if you'd said "dog,"

I would've been in, but sorry.

Barry: Mm...

You know, if you really want to raise some money, I can pose for a shirtless calendar for you.

I got ten seductive ways of climbing out of a pool.

My name's Barry.

I'm Paige.

(clears throat) I'm Neal, and, uh, if you're looking for a Mr. November I've been told I have perfectly symmetrical nipples.

Well, I just might have to make you prove that to me.

Uh, guys...?

All right.

Uh... this kid's cute. I'll save this one.

Sorry, he's already been snatched up.

Oh, well, at least I tried.

I'm Cooper.

Hannah.

Hey.

I know we just met, but the fact that we both value the lives of children makes me think that we're soul mates.

(sweetly): Oh...

(chuckles)

Barry is all talk.

I act on my love of children.

Nah...

I'm gonna retract that last statement.

Paige, can I buy you a drink?

Uh, actually, no need, I...

I'm gonna buy Paige a drink.

(whispering): Can you loan me eight dollars?

Are you for real?

Yeah.

(clicks tongue)

Okay, thank you.

So, um, Hannah, (clears throat) what's it like being a vegan?

Well, uh, other than having a severe iron deficiency and the bones of a 50-year-old, there's literally no downside.

I've eaten nothing but buffalo wings for the past three weeks, so...

(laughs)

Can you imagine?

(laughing): Yeah, that'd be crazy, right?

(laughs)

Those girls are so college.

(snores)

It's, like, they're not even cute, right?

I don't know; I don't see women.

Josh, open your eyes. The blonde's a smoke show.

I'm so done with immature guys.

Do you know I haven't been on a real date in, like, forever?

Look, if you're really serious about meeting someone, I've got this client I've been trying to sign: very successful, recently divorced...

Josh, I'm sure Kelly has her eye on someone else.

Oh, that's right, you're saving yourself for Cooper.

I'm not; if that was gonna happen, it would have happened by now.

(Cooper and Hannah laughing)

You know what?

Have your friend call me.

(phone buzzing)

Oh, my God! Hannah keeps sending me pics of starving kids with the hashtag perspective.

Hashtags really make me think.

Dude, what's up, man? Why you being so picky?

Why don't you ask her out?

Unless you're waiting on Kelly.

I'm not waiting for Kelly.

All right? Maybe you're waiting for Kelly.

Oh, yeah, by the way, I'm about to start dating that girl me and Neal was hitting on the other day, okay?

So don't tell him 'cause his feelings are gonna be hurt.

Dude-dude-dude, okay.

Don't tell Barry.

I just got a text from that girl, Paige.

We're totally going out.

Chalk one up (singsongy): for the bowl cut.

(whoops)

Well, this is awesome.

(phone rings)

Hey, bro.

Hello, Cooper.

I just wanted to let you know that I was considering setting up Kelly with a potential client, "but I wanted to check with you first, out of respect for any existing romantic feelings between you and Kelly..."

This sounds so stupid.

Just read the card.

"Josh" doesn't talk like this.

"Josh" talks terribly, so read what I wrote.

What are you asking me?

Kelly wanted me to set her up with one of my clients.

Really?

Is that cool?

Uh...

(phone buzzes)

Josh: If it's not, just let me know.

Cooper: In that case...

No, it's fine.

Set it up.

Awesome.

All right, see you later, bud.

Cooper: Uh-huh.

Now this is for your mom about Thanksgiving.

I'm done with the card...

She's on the phone.

She's on the phone?

Shh.

"Hello, Mom, Leslie and I love spending Thanksgiving with you guys, but this year we will be going to Leslie's parents' house."

Thank you.

Hey, Neal, what are you doing here?

Listen, I've got some news, and I think it's gonna sting a little.

Okay, I got some news for you, too, so you might want to brace yourself.

I'll brace myself, right after you hold onto your hat.

Okay, I'll hold onto my hat, but when I say, "Brace yourself,"

I mean you might want to get in a doorframe and stock up on water.

All right, well, when I say, "Hold onto your hat,"

I mean go find a storm cellar and sew that sucker to your scalp.

I'm getting the sense we both dating Paige.

Damn, I was getting that feeling myself.

Barry: Damn.

Hey, guys.

Paige, what the hell? Are you dating both of us?

You're busted.

Paige: I'm not busted.

Look, I invited you both.

Self busted.

Nobody is busted.

I find you both very attractive and I'd like to date you both.

I'm polyamorous.

You said your name was Paige.

You guys, it's 2016.

Polyamorous means that I can love multiple people simultaneously in an honest and nonpossessive way.

Hold on, when we met yesterday, you said your name was Paige!

I just feel like the both of us competing over a girl isn't gonna end well.

Oh, this isn't a competition.

Besides, you've both already won, because we're all going out.

So, what do you say?

Do we gotta touch each other?

Not if you don't want to.

Cool.

Cool.

(phone buzzes as ringtone plays)

Hi.

Just because he'd be my biggest client, put me on a path to partnership, don't feel any pressure to not act like a lady tonight.

Leslie: Josh!

Could I have one conversation without you side coaching?

I think we both know the answer to that.

Kelly: Guys... shut up.

I'm on the phone.

He's here. Okay, I'm really nervous.

No, no, no, don't be, you're gonna love him.

He's smart, he's sophisticated...

Hello, my dear.

He's also a little old.

Have fun.

I gotta tell you, I'm having a great time.

Me, too.

It almost took my mind off of the millions of women being sold into sex trafficking every year.

Well, that was my goal.

Do you want to come back to my place?

Sure, yeah.

This is me.

How so?

This is where I live.

Wait, you're homeless?

Not homeless: shelter non-specific.

Sounds a lot like homeless.

Until Los Angeles chooses to take responsibility for its affordable housing crisis, I will choose to live here.

Come on, check out my tent.

Your tent...?

Oh, please, take your shoes off first.

Sure, yeah, of course, that... makes total sense.

Well, that was a wonderful evening.

(wry laugh)

Yeah, it was. Thank you, Steve.

(laughs) Up top.

(both laughing)

Kelly... how do I leave you?

(sighs)

No, seriously, I'm asking.

I left my glasses at the restaurant.

They're on your head, Steve.

Eh? Ah! (chuckles)

And there you are.

(both chuckle)

Now, let's see, uh... this way?

Yes.

(both kissing)

Good night.

Bye-bye.

Hey!

Hi!

Hi. (nervous laugh)

Josh said you had a date.

Yeah.

Yeah, I did, too, it was, uh, was fantastic.

Oh, yeah, mine was better than fantastic.

Mine was, dare I say, enchanted.

Oh, no way, that's crazy, 'cause, uh, my date literally used the words, "Better than enchanted," to describe the date.

Where are your shoes?

I donated them to the homeless.

Hannah really taught me the importance of giving back.

I think your foot's bleeding.

That's a First World problem, Kelly.

(laughing): Hannah's awesome.

So is Steve.

All right, good to see you.

Okay. Okay.

See ya.

All right, have a good one.

(all laughing)

Thank you so much.

I can't believe I didn't know what Jenga was.

I had a really good time.

Me, too.

Me, too.

Group hug?

(all chuckling, cooing)

All right, good night, sweetie.

All right, see you.

Good night, boo.

Bye, Cooper.

Good night.

Good night.

We don't have to touch each other unless we want to.

(Barry and Neal chuckle)

If it's any consolation, my night was still weirder.

But... what's weird about our night?

Never said it was weird.

Yeah, why our night got to be weird?

Just got off the phone with Steve, and he is dying to go out with you again.

He's dying in general.

I'm not doing that, I'm not going out with him.

Well, then, that does it... I shall never speak of this again.

Good job, honey.

Kelly, I need this. Please.

He really likes you and he'd be a huge client.

Just go out with him one more time.

What, you literally just said that I didn't have to...

I know what I said! I'm sorry.

I just...

Before you pass, Steve mentioned that he might be sending over a little gift.

You think I'm gonna go out with him just because he sends me over something fancy?

I'm sorry, Josh, that's not how I roll.

Spoiler alert: it's a $150,000 electric car that drives itself.

(giggling)

No, Kelly, you cannot keep this car, mm-mm.

Even if it is awesome and drives like a spaceship.

(giggling): Oh, my God!

No, no! Give it back!

Oh, my God, look at this, I'm not even driving right now.

This is so awesome.

No, stop it!

Hi.

Why are you screaming at yourself in somebody else's car?

Oh, it's actually a gift from my old boyfriend.

I mean, my new boyfriend.

And that's okay because I make my own money, so...

Yeah, well, my girlfriend gave me the gift of social consciousness, so... don't feel bad.

Okay, I don't. (chuckles) Oh!

Looks like I gotta go, Cooper, mm...

It's so quiet!

Oh, God, this is so cool.

You can't keep it!

Shut up, Kelly.

My feet are cold.

Both: I'm on it!

Damn it!

Oh, Neal, I love the touch of your tiny little hands.

In yo' face.

Barry...

Hmm?

.. do you want to make out with me?

I guess so. (Barry chuckles)

In yo' face...

Hey, sorry to interrupt... the worst Cinemax movie ever.

Can I talk to Neal and Barry for a second?

Yeah, sure, no problem.

I will just excuse myself to one of your bedrooms.

But which one, boys?

Which one?

Did you guys know Kelly has a boyfriend?

Yep, he gave her a self-driving car like it was nothing.

Ooh, that red one?

I took it for a test drive this morning and it crashed itself.

Her car's black.

Oh, my God.

I'm about to be on the news again.

Is Kelly dating bothering you?

What? No, no, come on, I-I-I have a girlfriend, so...

You mean the homeless one?

I mean, sure, she's not perfect, but I-I can mold her.

I just have to be like the... the Richard Gere to her Pretty Woman.

Cool, I'll be Tom Skerritt from Top g*n.

Can I be Val Kilmer, but... from Batman?

Hannah, you look great in that dress.

Dress?

You mean, male shackle garment.

All right, well, you know, I bought it in the dress section of a place called Dress Barn, so, let's just go with dress.

You know, I have to say, I was skeptical of a big, romantic, materialistic night out, but you were right, this has been fun.

Oh, my God, look at that necklace.

It's pretty, right?

You know, the salespeople would probably just look down their noses at you if you walked in a store like that, but then I'd give them my credit card, we'd come back in like a week, after a makeover... and before you know it...

(screaming)

(glass shatters, alarm blaring)

You broke a window.

Those are blood diamonds!

Good eye. We should probably run.

(siren wailing in distance, alarm continues blaring)

(sighs)

(siren approaching)

Okay, I think we're safe.

(both screaming)

Cooper, look, diapers.

These are great for insulation.

You can try and change the person you're dating, but when that doesn't work, there's only one thing left to do: rationalize.

I mean, so what if she shops in Dumpsters, right?

I mean, the fundamentals are there. She's hot.

She has super shiny hair, even though she lives in dirt.

Her nail game is on point.

Plus, she's not dating one of my best friends, so... (scoffs)

I can make this work.

And so can the two of us with Paige.

Bro, she likes us both equally, so we're not competing with each other.

We're dating next to each other.

Oh, that makes total sense.

Mm-hmm.

No, it doesn't.

It's 2016!

I've seen the future, and it's Barry having sex with the woman that I love.

You guys scare me.

It's 2016!

Sure, Steve has trouble remembering what I said, or hearing what I said, or staying awake while I say it, but he's chivalrous, and he's mature...

And incredibly rich.

Stop it, Josh. You can't pimp out our friend.

It's not pimping; she's just providing companionship to an older gentleman for her and my financial benefit.

That is the exact definition of pimping.

Maybe he'll grow on me.

Maybe I'll learn to love butterscotches, references to Gunsmoke, which I think is a TV show, and I can get used to that smell, which I can only imagine is cell decay.

I can make this work.

I-I can make this work.

Kelly, he could be dead in ten years.

If you're lucky. Plus, look at it this way, you're a heart att*ck away from owning six houses.

Come on, you know I don't care about that stuff...

Six? Six houses?

The guy has six houses?

Stop it, Kelly!

So, "char-choo-terie" is anything that you can cut with a little Kn*fe?

Exactly.

Charcuterie.

Mm.

Just imagine it has the word "cooter" in it.

Like scooter, which is what I hit with Kelly's car yesterday.

Wasn't Kelly's.

Right.

Dude, this is nice, man.

Right? I love this.

I'm on a date with my best friend, talking about cooters and it counts as a mature, grown-up relationship.

Everything's perfect.

Being romantic is awesome. To 2016!

2016!

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

Both: Oh, hey.

Josh: All right, I want to thank everyone for coming out tonight.

We're here to have a-a good time, and also to celebrate our guest of honor.

An oil tycoon, a pioneer in the unfairly maligned fracking revolution, and quite possibly the newest client in our firm, Steve Hodges.

Give it up. Give it up, everybody.

Come on.

Thanks, Jo...

(Steve chuckles)

You're too kind.

Thanks, Josh.

It's been a terrific evening, but before I say anything else, I would just like to thank that very special person who makes it all worth it, the love of my life...

Kelly Bishop.

(applause)

Man: Aw...

Wait, that's Kelly's Steve?

Oh, this is awesome.

Here is to a long, long life together.

Cheers!

Cheers!

Eh.

To Steve and Kelly!

(applause)

Thanks for coming.

Thank you.

Steve, I'm Cooper.

Cooper.

I'm Josh Barrett's brother.

I loved your speech, man.

It was great, especially the part about Kelly.

Well, she's a fabulous gal.

(chuckles) And speaking of fabulous gals, who is this?

Oh, this? This is Hannah.

Kelly: Oh.

Uh, she's, uh, 23 years old.

So, Steve, Kelly tells me you're a m*llitary man.

That's right. Vietnam.

Wow.

Yeah, that was, uh, the '60s.

Mm-hmm.

Ah, yeah.

I, uh, learned about that in history class.

You can't trust anything you learn in history class.

It's all government propaganda.

That's why I only have Canadian textbooks in my tent.

I'm sorry... tent?

Is that slang for something? Tent?

Uh, no, it's an actual tent made out of recycled parachutes.

That I live in.

That sounds really cozy.

Yeah, and it's super warm, thanks to the diapers that Cooper and I found in the Dumpster.

(nervous chuckle)

(chuckles)

Steve: You know, back in my day, you'd send cloth diapers out to be laundered by an Oriental lady.

They're called Asians, and you should know, since you m*rder*d thousands of them in Vietnam.

And I'd do it again.

(Cooper chuckles nervously)

Okay.

Okay, we're gonna get a... fresh one.

That man is terrible, okay? We need to go.

Can I suggest my place this time instead of yours?

It's kind of windy.

No, I've got another place in mind.

But it's a surprise.

Okay.

Why is that offensive?

Are they not from the Orient?

(groaning): Steve...

Where are we?

What's the surprise?

(glass breaks)

(lock clicks open)

Please tell me you're secretly rich and you forgot your key.

Nope.

Hannah, you can't go in there.

Okay, I don't know what they teach you in Canadian textbooks, but in this country, you don't just break into random houses.

This isn't a random house.

Well, then whose is it?

What about "Chinamen"?

Can I say "Chinamen"?

No, Steve, you can't say "Chinamen."

Steve: Oh.

Kelly: It's "Asian."

Steve: Well, I can't remember that.

(silverware clinking)

(whispering): This is Steve's house.

We need to leave, like now.

Steve Hodges represents everything that is wrong with America.

We're gonna hit him where it hurts.

By stealing his fork?

Okay, we are definitely breaking up right now.

Uh, now is not the best time for the, "It's not you, it's me" speech.

Well, great news, it's definitely you, it's not me, like, at all.

(whispering): Hannah!

(mellow jazz playing)

(chuckles)

(laughs quietly)

Hey, question: Can the animals on the wall stop staring at me?

Especially the zebra, it's adorable.

Yes!

That was just outside a zoo in Mozambique.

She never saw it coming, which is why she still looks so cute.

Uh, listen, Steve, I...

I think we should probably talk.

Yes... I have had many conquests, but do you know what my greatest conquest of all is?

Please don't say me.

It's you, Kelly.

Okay.

(chuckling): Oh, boy.

But now, I'm going to get myself a glass of Cognac and almond milk.

Gross.

(distant thudding)

What the hell was that?

An intruder?

(laughs)

(nervously laughing)

So, I'm breaking up with you.

Humans... the ultimate prey.

Ha... heh... hoo.

You're fielding an all-animal football team...

Uh-huh.

Who's your running back?

No brainer: kangaroo, 'cause they don't fumble the ball at the goal line.

That's genius.

Right...

You're genius.

Right, because, well, he could just put the ball in his pouch.

Right?

Uh, yeah.

Uh-huh.

Okay, what about this you got a hockey team...

Neal: Mm. all actresses over 60.

Gotta put Kathy Bates in the goal.

Guys... you're just talking to each other.

Ooh! Left wing: Dame Judi Dench.

Somebody's playing to win.

Guys! I feel like what's happening here is you two are just enjoying each other's company and then having sex with me.

Uh, yeah.

Did it stop being 2016?

You know, I think maybe I'm a little bit more old-fashioned than I thought, and, uh...

I think it's time that we pair off.

Okay, well, if that's the case, me and Neal choose each other.

Wait, what?

Barry and I have decided that the best part of our relationship is our relationship.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, you guys are making a huge mistake.

(blows raspberries)

Bye.

Neal: Whatever.

Bye!

Cheers.

Me, neither.

She don't know what it's like...

(laughs)

You take out the part where we ain't having sex with her, us two hanging out doesn't seem as cool.

We've made a huge mistake.

Could we please just get the hell out of here?

No. I'm gonna sell this stuff and give the money to the needy.

Can't... (mutters)

"Caution while driving machinery"?

This one's for Hannah.

No, no, no, come on, how are you gonna sell a used sleep apnea mask?

Give it to me...

Come on, just... just... let go!

(whispering): Cooper?!

Hey, Kelly.

What are you doing?

Uh, as bad as this looks, it's actually worse.

You guys have to get out of here before he...

(gasps)

(grunts)

Another head for my wall.

Kelly: Did you just k*ll her?

Of course not.

But I better check.

Here.

Oh, no, no, no.

Please don't give this to me. I don't know what it...

(g*nsh*t)

(shouts)

Cooper: What do we do?

Kelly: Hi.

So, for future reference: tranq darts work extremely fast; uh, you probably shouldn't date someone who lives in a tent; and as my brother's about to find out, pimping ain't easy.

Anyway, cheers to me for finally signing the man that is going to buy me my beach house.

Oh, wait, hold on, there's something you should know about Steve.

I sort of...

He's resting... comfortably at home.

What?!

Let's let him have tonight.

(laughing): Okay.

All: To Josh!

What do you mean, he's napping?

He's old.

Why'd you... I didn't need to know that.

God, what was I thinking with Steve?

Well, from the outside, it kind of seemed like you just hoped he'd keep buying you things.

You were dating a cat burglar with a prescription drug problem.

I guess you can't just force something to work, huh.

Yeah, it's like... when it's right you just kind of know...

I think I'm done dating for a while.

At least until the right person comes along.

I have to return the car, don't I?

Yeah.

(whispering): Damn you.

One last thing: If you have great friends, it's gonna be hard to find a significant other who measures up, but it doesn't mean it's not worth trying.

Hello! Would you like to have sex with the both of us while we talk to each other?

It's 2016.