01x01 - Episode One

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.

Welcome aboard this Brexit roadshow bus.

And first, I just want to say how crucial you local volunteers are.

We really feed off your energy.

They feed off our energy.

Mm? Eh?

So, er, after we've set up stall in the local shopping centre, we're going to get speeches from our three galacticos.

There's our young left-wing tyro, Jackie.

There's Spencer - he's a veteran anti-Euro, self-made millionaire, and many of you will have seen him on TV, most recently chasing anti-fracking demonstrators with a muck spreader.

And Priya, of course, who is a rising star of the Conservative Party, and this week was featured in the Sunday Times'

Britain's 1,000 Most Influential Asians list.

998.

Yeah, OK. So, when you talk to people, do mention last night's TV debate.

Stress how Cameron looked a bit sweaty.

By all means mention Farage, but try to stay away from anything that's a bit rapey.

If you're stuck for something to say, then just list the lot who support Remain - the bankers, the property developers, Londoners, Osborne, Blair, Mandelson, Simon Cowell.

Everybody hates them, basically.

Oh, and try not to get drawn into any abuse about John Major.

The old fool! That's exactly...

He should never have been returned into the community!

..the sort of thing not to say.

Lauren. Lauren, YOU should take a selfie.

Sorry, Brett, I'm kind of busy.

To mark this moment of total triumph...

(Camera clicks)

The final Primaries.

Yeah, Hillary's done it.

So the contest begins.

Now the gloves can come off.

Mr Tr*mp can really go on the att*ck.

Well, he's sort of already, er...

Folks will remember where they were when this happened, just like at other great historical moments, like when Americans first landed on the moon, or when Kennedy got assassinated.

It wasn't exactly a great moment.

It was in my family.

Got a lot of numbers I need to analyse.

Oh, sure, sure, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I misjudge situations sometimes.

It's fine, you're good.

(Keyboard clicks)

Do you know the first words Mr Tr*mp ever said to me?

"Let's get this done."

That's just him in a nutshell, isn't it?

"Let's get this done," he said, and I picked up his golf bags, and off we went.

You were caddying for him?

I had that honour.

By the ninth hole, he had offered me this job.

He liked the way I could quote the whole of his book, How To Kick Ass, verbatim.

That's a good word, huh?

Verbatim. That's Latin.

Oh, oh, you've got your headphones on.

Why the hell did Cameron ever agree to a referendum?

Just giving publicity to all the morons in the party.

Oh-So-Pretty Patel, Chris 50-Shades-Of-Grayling, the Ayatollah Gove, Iain Duncan On-The-Spectrum Smith.

Actually, I...

All the mental defectives we normally hide in the attic are running around the building.

Cameron's strategy is a load of f*cking...

(Phone rings)

Unity unit, Oliver speaking.

Yeah, now?

I know your lot need to att*ck Cameron's debate performance, but if you could just not call him the L word, because...

Lesbian? No, liar.

What are YOU watching?

Tony? David has been very careful...

This isn't a big thing, but I just feel now might be the time to remind certain individuals...

Absolutely. Gotcha.

Er, OK, firstly, well done, everyone.

Secondly, well done, everyone.

Thirdly, just a reminder that this unit's job is to ensure that we Tories engaged on both sides of the fantastic national conversation of this referendum remain, um...pals.

Let's make sure we don't end up in a circular f*ring squad, but instead in two f*ring squa...

Admittedly, er, facing each other, but not sh**ting below the belt.

Because those kind of injuries to the, um... below the belt area, they won't heal.

Basically, we have to remember that the Conservative Party has always been a broad church.

The place where they m*rder each other?

Not Broadchurch, Ruby. A broad church.

(in Russian): Come in. Don't hover.

Never hover.

President Putin hates people who hover. Right.

Litvinenko used to hover. Right.

(He laughs)

I'm joking!

President Putin, he likes a joke, but never laugh until he laughs, in case it's not a joke.

Um, why...

(in Russian): ..it is safer.

No-one in earshot can understand English, if you get my drift? Drift?

How good is your English? Swell.

OK, you will need English, because one of your duties will be going through the English language newspapers.

At the moment, you will find there is really only one story.

The EU referendum. Yes.

The British government has made the schoolboy error of asking the people what they want.

What do they want?

They want it to be over.

I felt the non-confrontational format of last night's debate was a positive.

What, you mean it not being a debate?

David was excellent, but do you know, I'd like to see a bit more George Osborne in front of the camera.

Yeah, cos he is very popular.

Sentences you will never hear -

"Jose Mourinho, so humble."

"Mike Ashley looks so healthy."

"I really like that George Osborne."

Sometimes I feel, Oliver, that you can drift into negativity.

Well, I better go and stick my head in Noel Edmonds's magic box.

By the way, if you get asked about the registration extension, we have to say that we don't have an opinion.

Oh, that's all right, I don't have an opinion.

I mean, generally, I try not to.

So, very excitingly, when we get to be shopping centre, we're expecting a visit from that star Brexiteer John Redwood MP.

(They murmur)

So that's good.

We're after the waverers.

So the key things to remember are...

One - the other side have resorted constantly to Project Fear.

We're better than that.

Two - don't forget to mention the millions of Turkish criminals swarming toward our shores.

And three - terrorism is...

OK, don't want to overload with directives.

(loudly): They don't want to overload people.

So the key thing is, we want to go out there and remind people it is time to claim our country back.

So let's go out there and spread the passion, and, yes, you will have access to a toilet.

So the referendum is people who don't know what's going to happen asking people who don't understand a question no-one knows the answer to.

The beauty of democracy.

Now, as well as monitoring the narrative in the Western press, this unit's duties also include coordinating the President's diary with the internal secretariat and walking his dog.

We walk the president's dog?

YOU walk the president's dog. Every day at 11 and 3. The lead is there.

Oh, and where are the bags? Bags?

For the poop.

It's Putin's dog. It shits where it wants.

Oh, OK.

Do you know what Mr Tr*mp says to me every time he sees me?

"Go, fella."

Sometimes with a little thumbs up.

And once, he said, "k*ll 'em, fella."

And once, he said, "Don't get too close."

But I had a bad cold, so, um...

Hey, team. Great day.

Lauren, how are yesterday's numbers?

Did Donald do better with the ladies?

Well, Hillary is still... Crooked Hillary.

Always use her full name. Oh, right.

Well, er, we are still struggling.

Do we like the word "struggling"? I don't think we do.

"Striving" is a much better word, and "succeeding" is the best word.

Well, we are still striving to succeed with Donald's female approval ratings.

"Triumphing" is a good word, too.

So, Lauren, using all of your experience, what ideas do you have for us?

Well, when I was working on Bush's campaign and Kerry was doing better with women, I set up a big sort of up close and personal interview with Barbara Walters, so I was thinking maybe if Donald did...

An interview with a top female journalist! Yeah.

I love that idea. That is a great idea.

Who did you have in mind?

Cathy Grey.

No, she's banned.

Oh.

Donald banned her. Didn't like her attitude.

Oh. Well, er...

Mary Sherman?

Also banned. Again, attitude.

Er, Katie Weisberg? Banned.

June Corrigan? Banned. Oh.

Did you get the list of journalists that are banned that I sent you?

Yeah, I tried to print it but the printer kind of overheated, so...

What about Janet Hardy? She'd be ideal. Yes! She's sma... Oh.

No, think she's banned.

That question about the hands.

Oliver, this isn't a big thing, but in order to achieve an environment that is conflict neutral... Don't be abusive about party members, don't say mental defectives, don't refer to the physical appearance of women and don't call anyone a slag.

You didn't call anyone a slag.

Oh, no, that's right. I didn't get onto Boris.

Now, Ruby, that place round the corner must be open.

How about cappuccinos all round? Great idea.

Oh, you want me to go and get them?

Sure.

It is just round one corner, isn't it?

Just cos more than that and I can get confused.

This is the direct line from the president.

It must always be answered before the third ring, that is the president's rule.

If for some reason I am not in the room, you must answer it before the third ring.

OK, we practice it now.

Sit at your desk. Sit. I will be phone.

(He clears his throat)

Ring-ring. Ring-ring. Ring-ring.

We need to work on your reaction time.

Well, I thought that went pretty well. Tea all round?

Look, Spencer, you have got to try to stick to the facts.

We're fighting the snooze factor, Gerry.

We've got to do what Tr*mp does.

Say one attention-grabbing thing a day.

Even if it's complete bollocks?

Especially if it's bollocks.

That's how it grabs attention.

I've just tweeted that since we've joined the EU, there's been a rise in the number of veruccas.

Let's see Jon Snow try and fact-check that.

OK, but facts... Don't get bogged down on facts, Jerry.

That's the old politics.

Just got a text in from Iain Duncan Smith.

He's making a big speech, and he's offering a bottle of champagne for anyone that can come up with a joke that can definitely get him a laugh.

A joke that will definitely get a laugh even when it's been told by Iain Duncan Smith?

Yes. There's no joke that can survive that.

Actually, you know, once you get to know him...

Why would I want to get to know him?

He's quite funny.

He is pretty funny, actually. See?

Cos he looks like an egg with a mouth.

(He laughs)

Oh, OK, listen up, everybody.

They've just sent through some b*llet points for tomorrow.

They want us to focus in on Cameron saying he wants to pave a road from Ankara to Brussels, and...

Priya, you've got a question.

About tomorrow?

Yes.

Will he be dressed like that?

The Union Jack - well, it makes us look a bit...Ukippy.

Look, the thing is, Gerry, it's very difficult to convince people that you're a sober, serious politician if you're sitting next to someone who's come dressed as a street party.

If it was good enough for John Bull, it's good enough for me.

John Bull is a fictional character.

No, he's not!

I think he was, Spencer.

You'll take this waistcoat from my cold, dead body.

Mm.

Hope Davis?

No.

Jennifer Schultz.

I think she's banned too.

Really? She's quite pro-Donald, why is she banned?

Oh...

Rex! Why is Jenny Schultz on the banned list?

The nose.

Oh, yeah, the nose. The nose. Said it freaked him out.

Said it followed him around the room.

You see, it's that sort of response to women that...

How about Jennifer Lawrence?

She's not a journalist.

OK, but if she's just asking some questions, how hard can that be?

No, he needs to be interviewed by someone - you know, someone more substantial.

OK.

Kim Kardashian.

No, Brett.

No, no, Kim is a big Tr*mp fan.

She said that he's clever and Hillary's dull.

That was Kim Jong-un.

Oh, OK!

But Kim Kardashian - it's a thought.

It's not a thought.

Well...

Maybe it's a thought.

But here's a different thought.

Muhammad Ali's funeral - Mr Tr*mp needs to be there.

Why would Mr Tr*mp want to go there?

Because Bill Clinton is going, and if he has a plus one, that means Hillary's going.

Not necessarily.

This funeral is turning into a Clinton land grab.

We need to get our tanks on that lawn.

Maybe don't use the word... sh**t.

Rex! What did that shaky journalist guy have?

The one that Tr*mp mocked.

It wasn't Parkinson's, was it?

A congenital joint condition.

Great. Then we are good to go.

This is the perfect place for Mr Tr*mp to look presidential.

Where's it being held?

The KFC Yum! Centre.

We need a ticket. Rex! Any luck on StubHub? We'll pay top dollar.

Lauren, I need you to get one of your journalist friends to write a piece on the similarities between Tr*mp and Ali.

Both fighters, both winners.

Both had big hands, both had lots of wives.

Oh, hey, Ali didn't go to Vietnam either.

Stop googling, Brett.

Thinking of the future when we're all back on the same side again, we did agree to avoid certain words when talking about our Brexity brethren...

"Judas", "turncoat", "traitor", "m*therf*cker"...

Yeah, I-I-I'm told you did.

In a phone call to Michael Gove, preceded by the words, erm...

"little" and "speccy".

Well, no, I'm not disputing its accuracy in any way, I'm just trying to keep the peace.

Now, erm, just a different reminder, erm...

The last thing anyone wants is for someone like you dredging up old stuff about, erm...

Liam Fox and that unfortunate friend of his.

God, no!

Yeah, love to Barbara.

See you at Henley. Tony...

Tony.

This isn't a big thing, but...I'm still wondering if (the Unity Unit is the best place for Oliver.)

Well, Sara, we're very lucky to have Oliver.

He's got the most fantastic, erm... address book.

Er, I heard that he was fired from The Sun.

Oh, that was a long time ago.

I think Kelvin MacKenzie found him a bit aggressive, but he's really mellowed with age, and the...courses he's had to go on.

But well done, you, on all of this.

And...

Ruby, why is SHE here?

Oh, we're VERY lucky to have Ruby.

The way she brings that fantastic youthful energy.

And her father is, erm...

(Inaudible)

Oh...

Yeah, a very large party donor.

Oliver - the poster.

We can't be seen to be biased.

Mick Hucknall's having a go at Corbyn for not fighting hard enough for Remain.

Scrubby talentless has-been.

Which one of them do you mean?

Well... Either.

Ring, ring! Ring, ring!

Better. Better.

Now, some basic dos and don'ts.

Don't cough or sneeze in his presence, don't attempt any small talk and, erm... if he asks you to wrestle him, just make an excuse - say that you have a hernia or something.

OK.

No, I mean, all this scaremongering is absurd.

I mean, the economy will not collapse if we leave the EU.

But...I would like to put my house on the market.

Looks like the deadline for voter registration's been extended.

That's a shame, cos I don't think WE lost out on any new votes.

Eh?

No, well, the site crashed after ten at night.

All our lot will have been in bed.

And if it's all the same... I'd rather not be paid in sterling.

See your mate Mr Corbyn's gone very quiet.

He's not my mate.

I didn't vote for him so he could start singing the national anthem and wearing a tie like some fascist.

No, but, I mean...

Permission to come aboard!

What's that?

Another one for my collection.

Collection? Yeah.

See, in my barn I've got what I call my Museum Of Official Stupidity.

It's my way of rolling back the nanny state.

This...is why we're a nation of obese kids - and after the referendum there won't BE a European Court of Human Rights that they can go waddling off to, bleating that their human right to have a big blubbery ass has been violated.

Someone might have seen you.

Nope. Might have been CCTV.

Not any more...

(Drill whirs)

Here, have a look at this.

Here's how my lovely Margosia will arrive at our wedding - a coach and four white horses.

Very ecologically friendly.

Damn, I hadn't thought of that.

But I'm going to do it anyway.

And here is my beautiful bride-to-be.

Ain't she stunning?

She's very... striking.

How old is Margosia?

27. Hmm...

I f*ckin' hate the way she does that.

How is the news digest coming along?

Big news in all the English papers, there was a huge storm.

About what?

No, that's it - there was a huge storm.

Oh, wait - a man in the West has cured cancer.

Really?!

His name is...Noel Edmonds, he has invented a magic box.

Yes. I will explain about this Noel Edmonds another time.

I wonder how Preeya's getting on with Brexit.

With her desk here, it's almost like she's here in spirit.

Square, wooden, and you can't get in its drawers... is the kind of joke I would make if I didn't know it was... inappropriate.

Here we go, it's confirmed - Hillary Clinton has the nomination.

Hillary really worries me.

Why, Ruby?

The two Ls in Hillary.

Why does she need the extra one? It's just a bit greedy.

Well, this doesn't help.

Someone's dredging up smears about Liam Fox.

The unfortunate friend?

You've seen it already?

Y-Yeah... Obviously I've seen it.

Social media can be so anti-cohesive, can't it? I...

I feel that we need a meeting to recalibrate our strategy.

Sorry. For what?

Oh, I...thought I'd groaned out loud.

No. Oh. That's all right, then.

There's a new Harry Potter play.

Would the President be interested to know that? No.

The President has no interest in this Harry Potter.

Not since Snape d*ed.

He was in pieces.

Will he be interested in this Mourinho court case?

Of course. Chelsea Football Club is owned by Mr Abramovich, a close associate - who did not buy the President a yacht, by the way.

He did not buy the President a yacht?

No. He did not buy him a yacht.

Note that down in case anybody asks.

Phwoor, it's humid.

Looks like it might rain.

(Phone rings)

(He speaks Russian)

In English, Alexei.

Sorry. He wants the digest.

And nothing about the anti-doping story?

They can stick their tests up their ass.

Well, come on. We'll go in together.

And don't limp.

He hates limpers.

Celebration drink!

I guess whichever side you're on, a female candidate, it's a historic moment.

Yeah, right? Go, sister.

Now, how do we nail the bitch?

Brett, how are we doing on the Muhammad Ali funeral?

His family are not responding to our calls.

That is just rude.

Tell them we'll negotiate on him being a pallbearer.

Uh, I found some names that aren't on the list.

And, should none of them work out, there is always Piers Morgan.

He makes Donald look sympathetic.

Next to Piers, anyone looks sympathetic.

He's a guy, and he's British.

Well, if we can't find a woman, the nearest thing to a woman is probably a British guy.

Am I right, Brett? Sure.

But, no - well done, we will float the women you have found past him.

Here's the list. With the resumes.

Yeah...

He'll want photographs.

In fact... just photographs.

You know what they should have done over Mike Ashley and the zero hours?

They should have kept telling him he was expected to appear before the committee, then dragged him all the way down to London and then told him he wasn't needed that day.

And then they should have body-searched him on his way out.

But what happened to Sports Direct shares while Ashley was being grilled?

They went up, cos all the investors thought, "That's a PROPER boss, one who says, 'You have your baby in your own time, in the toilet.'"

But that's an allegation.

The same with this Mourinho nonsense.

Everyone rushes to the court now.

"Oh, the manager called me a bad name."

"Oh, my boss says he's ex-SAS and he's got a g*n and he's going to sh**t me."

"My parents left me in a forest full of bears."

Anyway, what's a doctor DOING on a football pitch? 1956 Cup Final, the goalie Bert Trautmann played on with a broken neck. HE didn't need a doctor.

Well, he did... Load of fuss.

Anyway, this doctor'll be fine cos she's a looker.

Here. There's another one of my Margosia.

That's when she was Miss Gdansk.

You sure she's not after your money?

(He laughs)

No, seriously, are you sure she's not after your money?

I love this one!
She don't mince her words, does she?

Oh...

What's up?

Well, I've just noticed we're parked illegally - the sign says not after four.

Another job for Spencer.

(Drill whirrs)