02x03 - Beach Blanket Sting-O

[bunniefuu]

God, they put those bathrooms so far...

Uh, hon... what are you doing?

I'm making out with... you?

Then who is this?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, he's dead.

W-Why are you still kissing him?

I don't know!

♪♪

Rock and roll.

Keep going! Move!

Go, go, go!

Geils, get down!

I can't. If I stop bouncing, he'll start crying.

[Sighs]

[Cellphone rings]

Tribeca.

Right away.

[Cellphone beeps]

Another body just washed up on the beach.

Lieutenant wants us there.

I can't go.

I got his music class after this.

Why does a baby need a music class?

What, is he gonna start a band?

Oh, you sleep for a year and now you want to start making decisions about his future?

I was in a coma.

You know what, I'm just exhausted.

Just drop it.

But I think someone needs a diaper change.

Sorry. This is my first raid.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Hello, Angela.

Hello, Monica.

What happened to Mr. Handsome here?

Sir Nathan Handsome washed up on the shore 7:30 this morning.

We have to assume that it's a drowning until the lab proves different.

Isn't this the 11th drowning this month?

12th, actually.

This is Brad Wilson, head lifeguard.

It's pronounced "Brah."

Angie Tribeca, LAPD.

Well, Angie, the ocean is the biggest k*ller in this county.

Maybe you should arrest it and throw it in jail.

Any explanation for the uptick in drownings?

You got a wicked northwest swell crashing into a southwest rip.

You do the math.

12.

Anyway, there's basically nothing that can be done, so I say dig a hole, throw him in, and say aloha, the goodbye one.

We might need you to come down to the station and make a statement.

Sure, whatever you need.

Meanwhile, we're shutting down this beach.

You want to do what?!

Close the beach.

Excuse me?

Close the beach!

I can't hear a thing with these ear plugs.

Mr. Mayor!

We need to close every beach in Los Angeles County.

Atkins, have you lost your mind?

That beach makes up 95% of the city's revenue.

Sir, we have had 12 drownings in the last month.

It is too dangerous!

I was just there with my family this weekend, and we had a heck of a time.

Little Jimmy caught an I.V. bag.

Damn it, Joe!

Friday is supposed to be the hottest day on record.

Everybody and his brother's gonna be out there!

That beach stays open.

My brother's coming this weekend, and I promised him we were gonna go.

Is that clear?

No, not really!

Okay, 1 better or 2?

Can I see them again?

[Sighs]

Okay, I just got him down for a nap.

Now I just want to put my feet up for two seconds.

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Hey, Monica.

Yeah, I'm just, uh... uh, reading him a book.

Can I maybe call you back later?

Yes, I'll be right there.

Yes, I'll hurry.

Turns out our guy didn't drown.

All the fruit's grown locally.

No preservatives, no added sugar.

Oh, excuse me a moment.

Geils, Tribeca.

I'm glad you're here.

Here lies drowning victim number 12.

Or so we thought.

Before we go any further, I think it just needs to be said that this guy is ripped.

Abs, pecs, Magic Mike V.

I'm not saying I'm gay or a necrophiliac, but if I was, I certainly wouldn't tell you guys.

How do we know it isn't a drowning?

A drowning victim's lungs would be full of water.

His were completely empty, which means he stopped breathing before he went in the ocean.

What was the cause of death?

Heart att*ck.

Heart att*ck?

He looks 26, and he's in the best shape of his life.

He has an incredible body.

The odds of an adult male under 30 suffering a heart att*ck is about 1 in every 780,000, unless there's something already in the system to cause it.

Scholls, let's run the blood sample, shall we?

Mm.

O-positive. Iron content seems normal.

White blood cell count within a healthy range.

There's something else in here.

Possibly a combination of fenfluramine and phentermine?

More commonly known as Fen-Phen.

Jay: A weight-loss drug?

Wasn't that outlawed in 1997 because it made people look too awesome?

Yes.

Fenfluramine was banned in the U.S. because of various side effects including dizziness, confusion, hypertension, and death.

Ask your doctor if Fen-Phen is right for you.

Announcer: Do not operate heavy machinery while on Fen-Phen.

If you're pregnant or nursing, ask your doctor before taking.

For an erection lasting more than four hours, seek immediate medical attention.

If you have a history of heart disease, do not take Fen-Phen, as it may exacerbate your condition.

We re-checked the blood of all the victims, and they all proved positive for Fen-Phen.

Someone is dealing diet dr*gs on the beach.

These people didn't drown. They're dumped.

Dumped like a girl in a coma.

You were unconscious, she was conscious.

Why do I have to keep explaining myself?

I did what any rational man would do.

I think about you when I make love to her.

What else do you want?

God, I can't take this anymore.

[Baby crying]

What was that, 10 minutes? I'm losing my mind here.

Didn't you hear him?

He's having sex with me when he thinks about you.

Get over it. It's getting sad.

♪♪

Here's your stupid statement.

Am I free to go?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let me see what this is.

"My Day at the Beach" by Brah Wilson.

"My day at the beach was really fun.

People played in the water.

Then I had ice cream.

It was fun. I love the beach.

The end."

That's it?

12 corpses wash up on the beach and that's not enough to keep you up at night?

What can I say? I'm a chill dude.

Well, since you're so chill, I guess it wouldn't surprise you to learn that all those people you said drowned actually overdosed on an illegal weight-loss drug.

I'd be surprised on the inside, but you wouldn't be able to tell from my demeanor, no.

[Scoffs]

I think you know something.

And until you come clean, I got other ways of getting what I want.

You want a statement, I'll give you a statement.

We live in a world with waves, and people need to be protected from those waves by men in shorts.

Who's gonna do it, you?

You, Lieutenant Weinberg?

You ever saved a life, Detective?

Many.

I didn't think so.

I look at the ugliest parts of humanity... littering, cellulite, an utter disregard for the rules of volleyball.

But in spite of it all, I say, "You're not gonna die today. Not on my beach. Brah has got you."

Well, I know 12 corpses that might disagree.

And I don't appreciate being questioned by a man who has the luxury of working on land.

My enemy never stops.

He keeps coming and coming.

[Imitates waves crashing]

And when it comes for you, which it will, you better pray I'm there to pull you out.

[Chair scrapes]

So, unless I'm under arrest...

I got a beach to patrol.

Someone's dealing banned weight-loss dr*gs.

People O.D., they get dumped in the water, the lifeguards call it a drowning.

I'll tell you this right now...

Brah Wilson knows a hell of a lot more than what he's letting on.

Not a hell of a lot more, but more.

I think we need to get someone undercover with the lifeguards.

That person would have to spend every day at the beach away from their family.

It would require a ton of sleep and probably no hassles.

I can't in good conscience ask anyone to do that.

I'll do it, Lieutenant.

Geils, you have a baby and a love triangle.

Think about what you'd be giving up.

[Elevator dings]

♪♪

Hey. How's it going, guys?

I'm the new lifeguard, Jay Geils.

Papers, please.

Welcome to Malibu.

Just having paperwork doesn't make you a lifeguard.

We're a brotherhood.

How do we know you got what it takes?

I guess just assume I do?

We're gonna need to see a rescue.

See that middle-aged Asian man out in the surf?

He's been flailing since you walked in here.

I give him ten minutes till he goes under.

Not so fast, hot-sh*t.

I also got a Midwestern couple about to pull glass bottles out of their cooler over there.

What do you do?

I mean...

What do you do?

[Blows whistle]

No glass on the beach!

[Indistinct conversations]

All right. Look who it is!

[Guitar thuds]

Everybody, this is the new member of our crew.

Geils, I want you to meet Todd, Skeeter, Wilhelm, Stacy, Lukabubude, Martinez, the other Stacy, L'Monjello...

Yo.

Oranjello, and Man Stacy.

Glad to meet you guys.

I just hope we can all work together to keep these beaches safe.

[Laughter]

I like him! He's crazy.

Come with me.

I want to talk to you some place a little more private.

So, what's your regime?

I'm a Stalin guy.

What? No. I mean your workout regime.

Oh, you mean "regimen."

Yeah, a lot of people get that confused.

Just some weights, a little treadmill.

We're gonna need you to step it up a bit.

We got a mantra out here, unspoken rule passed down from generation to generation...

"No fatties."

Doesn't that seem insensitive in light of modern-day acceptance of different body types?

We're all for people with different body types, just not on the beach. We call those "inside people."

I guess I could add in some more cardio.

Cardio's not gonna cut it, my brother.

Out here, where every second counts, we got to kick things up a notch.

What is this?

Trust me, Jay. I'm about to show you a world you're not gonna believe even existed... endless sun, chill vibes, hot bodies, no responsibilities, no babies, and no girlfriends.

[Cellphone ringing]

[Beep]

Who was that?

Nobody.

[Cheering]

Now jump in the fire.

What?

I know who's dealing the dr*gs.

It's me.

Face down, maggot!

You're going away for a long time, scumbag.

All right! I'll talk, I'll talk!

Hang on. Let's hear what he has to say.

[Exhales sharply]

It's the lifeguards.

They're dealing Fen-Phen on the beach so everyone will be fit and attractive and also presumably to make money.

Great. Let's take 'em down.

Wait a second!

We don't know how they're getting the dr*gs or how they're connected to the bodies or even who's running this whole thing.

What are you proposing?

Give me another week with them, 10 days tops, two weeks on the absolute outside.

Let's make it a month, just to be safe.

I go in deep with the lifeguards, figure out their operations, six years later, we take the whole thing down.

All right. Let's give it a sh*t.

But I want you to check in once a week, Geils.

All right. Let's do this. Hands in.

♪♪
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ You're gonna wake up one morning ♪
♪ As the sun greets the dawn ♪
♪ You're gonna wake up one morning ♪
♪ As the sun breaks the dawn ♪
♪ You're gonna look around in your mind, girl ♪
♪ You're gonna find that I'm gone ♪
♪ You didn't realize ♪
♪ You didn't realize ♪
♪ You didn't realize ♪
♪ You didn't realize ♪
♪ You didn't realize ♪
♪ Aah, you're gonna miss me, baby ♪
♪ Aah, you're gonna miss me ♪

Hey.

Tribeca, what are you doing here?

They probably shouldn't see me talking to you.

You missed your last check-in.

Oh, yeah. Sorry about that, bro.

Nothing to report, really.

"Nothing to report?" "Bro?" "Sorry about that?"

"Oh, yeah?"

Maybe you and I should go back to the office and talk.

Can't do it, man. This is my office now.

Come on in.

Have a seat.

You want anything to drink?

Water?

So, how's it going, Tribeca?

Busy? Too busy to hit the gym?

Stress eating?

Don't take this the wrong way, but you're looking a little nourished.

Geils, you look terrible.

What the hell are they doing to you?

Jealous much?

All right, that's it.

This operation is over. You're coming in.

I'm not going anywhere. This is where I belong.

Out here I'm free. Out here I don't have to lie.

Lie about what?

Everything... my feelings for Scholls, me and her raising our Canadian love child, my feeling for you...

In summary, I'm just super tired of all the lying.

Out here I can be myself... a 95-pound undercover cop pretending to be a lifeguard who lives by one motto... "No fatties."

Jesus. Your nose is bleeding.

Oh, yeah.

Brah says that's just fat trying to get out of my face.

You're crazy sunburnt.

Wrong. Just my false self shedding away.

Listen, I know things are complicated right now, but you can't just run away from your life and, like, build a whole new life out of sand.

Too late, Tribeca. I'm home. This is permanent.

I got it again! Oof! Whoa.

[Indistinct conversations]

We got a traitor in our midst.

[Indistinct murmuring]

Let's keep the murmuring to a minimum.

Turns out, someone we thought was our brother in red is actually a boy in blue.

[Gasps]

Police?

You know what we do with traitors?

[Chanting] Send them home!

Send them home!

Send them home!

Oh, we're gonna send them home all right... in a body bag.

Watch it.

Turns out Wilhelm was actually "Bill Helm," secret police.

What a waste of a hard body.

Start digging.

It sounds like Geils is completely gone, a total write off.

I wouldn't be surprised if we find his bloated corpse floating in...

Hey! Monica.

How's it going?

What's happening with the... dead people and the forensics and stuff?

How's Geils doing?

He is so good.

Tell him... to her, Tribeca.

He's great.

Firmly attached to the grid, still super "coppy."

He's...

Tribeca, I know you might have your problems with me after what happened... the accident, the coma, the repeated intercourse with your boyfriend, some of it in your hospital room... but I would hope that you still have enough respect left for me to tell me the truth.

He pooped on the beach and buried it like a cat.

I see.

Tribeca, I want you to coordinate with Malibu police, SWAT, Sea Org, and local Chabad.

Take the lifeguards down.

Copy that, Lieutenant.

Don't worry. We'll bring him back.

I think we both know the only person who can bring him back is you.

That's not true.

What Geils and I had is over.

You guys are a family now.

He just needs to be reminded of that.

[Softly] Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

[Normal voice] Take them down.

Hey, Geils!

It's gonna be a good day!

[Gulls chirping]

Shh!

Wait for my signal on five... four... three... ten!

Nine... eight... seven... six... five... four... three... two one... go, go, go!

♪♪

Get down on your knees!

Grab him!

Freeze!

[Grunting]

Angie: No. No, no. It's okay.

He's a cop!

I'm not a cop!

I'm a lifeguard.

[Groans]

I'll take it from here.

Geils.

Put the g*n down, Brah.

It's okay, Detective, I'm a cop.

Malibu PD.

I've been undercover for four years trying to clean up this beach, and you guys just blew my entire operation.

Man: Hey, this guy's got a badge!

Alberto Martinez, A*F.

Stacy Galina, FBI.

Mama Lukabubude, ADT Security Services.

Is anyone here an actual drug-dealing lifeguard?

Yeah. Me.

Catch me if you can.

Geils! No!

He's getting away!

LAPD. I need your paddle and ball.

Sure, Mister.

♪♪

Geils. [Panting]

I told you I wasn't going back, Tribeca, and I meant it.

I'm gonna make people thin and fit.

And don't even try an object lesson on me, 'cause it's not gonna work.

Okay, fine. I won't even try.

But I want you to take a look at something... over there.

[Baby coos]

Monica... and our baby.

It's his first beach day.

Look closer.

Wait a second. What's baby Angela wearing?

A jacket and long pants?

On the hottest day of the year?

He's self-conscious about his curves.

Curves?

No. No, not curves. That's just baby fat.

He's... he's a beautiful, perfect baby.

In today's day and age, even a baby can have a great body and still feel insecure because we're surrounded by unrealistic expectations of what "perfect" looks like.

No, no, no, no.

Babies are supposed to be fat... and some people, too.

"No fatties," Geils. Remember?

Oh, my God. What have I done?

It's all right, partner.

Nothing we can't undo.

Except for Brad executing that German guy.

We're just gonna have to sweep that under the rug.

It's just nice not to have to lie for a while.

Someday, maybe we won't have to.

Now go hug our baby.

Oh, Geils? Here.

Oh [bleep] that looks good.

Ohh! Mmm. Mmm.

♪♪

Tribeca! A little help here.

I think I buried myself too deep.

Hoffman!

[Dog whines]