01x11 - Fear and Loving on the Way to Las Vegas

[bunniefuu]

Going to Vegas...

[chuckles] A place for new beginnings, fresh starts.

I thought it was the place for gambling and getting drunk.

It's an oasis in the middle of the desert where all your problems evaporate like those spritzers that they...

That they put at the pool just to make you comfortable.

Wow. I never realized it was so magical.

And I love to drive to Vegas.

I always come up with good material, and I need it right now.

Wait, wh... where you going, dude?

You passed the on-ramp.

Home. Beverly Hills home.

No, man, we're going to Las Vegas right now.

But you don't even have a bag.

Don't you want to take the SUV?

No.

Whatever I don't have, I'll buy in Las Vegas.

I got to get out of my old neighborhood.

I got to get out of my new neighborhood before one of those people puts their hooks in me.

Las Vegas... It's not in California.

It's in Nevada.

That's very good.

I can't leave California without permission...

You know, parole?

They're real sticklers about crossing state lines.

[bleep], Manolo, wh...

Ah, dude, you're messing with my plan, man.

Ah, Manolo, just pull over.

What, so you can't drive me to Vegas?

Of course I can, but not until I meet up with my parole officer.

He's a good guy. Why don't you fly up?

We can get you packed up nicely, and then I'll follow up as soon as I get Mickey's permission.

No, no, you know what? I'm ready, man.

I'm leaving, dude. I'm gonna drive.

You're gonna drive?

Yep, and you're gonna fly.

Listen, man, I'm on a roll, and nothing is stopping me.

Hey, jefe, can you drop me off at home?

Man, that's in a whole opposite direction.

All right, come on, dude, get in.

Come on.

Hey, Manolo, fix that thing with Mickey and get your ass to Las Vegas.

Desgraciado!

Boca sucia!

And get your mom a vacuum cleaner.

[upbeat Latin music]

♪ ♪

[slurping]

[crunching]

Rug-b*ating joke.

If Mexicans...

They didn't invent the vacuum cleaner because...

Ah, putz.

Oh, because if, uh, the mom's b*ating the rug, then she's not b*ating the kids.

No.

Robin Williams said cocaine is God's way of saying that you have too much money...

No.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

George, are you here?

I'm at "The Dukes of Hazzard" slot machine.

What's up, Olly? "The Dukes of Hazzard."

Let's see, the TV show or movie?

Who knows?

Hey, are you at the airport? I can come get you.

You know what? I'm actually not at the airport... I'm driving.

You're driving to Vegas?

Yeah, I like to drive to Vegas... loosen me up.

I'm coming up with a lot of good material.

Yeah, well, that's wonderful.

Hey, listen, don't stop at state line.

Don't stop at any establishment that has an animal or ranch in the name, yeah?

Oh, great, the Bunny Ranch?

Do not stop there.

Hey, you know what?

I think I came up with something.

I'll call you later. Bye.

[machine ringing]

Bye.

[gasps] Oh, my God, I won.

Oh! Oh, no, I lost.

Bunny Ranch...

The only ranch Lamar Odom is home...

[sighs]

[car grinding]

Whoa.

[car thumping, beeping]

[female electronic voice speaking Mandarin]

[alarm blaring]

[electronic voice continues]

[alarm, GPS blaring]

Ah!

Great.

Piece of sh*t Chebby.

How am I gonna get to Vegas?

[phone beeps]

Call Olly.

All circuits are busy now.

Please try your call later.

[bird screeches]

Hey!

No, don't stop for the Mexican guy.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Bathroom?

[sinister music]

For customers only.

He means the paying customer.

Uh, samples are for paying customers only too.

Go back to Santa Monica.

Home of the homeless.

Yeah, I know that, but I'm not homeless.

Then where's your car?

Oh, see, that's the thing.

Uh, I'm driving a Chebby, and get this, man, it broke down.

I'm out of gas or something.

You guys have bad reception out here.

I'm, uh, George Lopez... the comedian.

Yeah, right.

Vámonos, amigo.

Oh, so you're George Lopez, huh?

Well, uh, tell me, George Lopez, in season five of the "George Lopez" show, what did you do when you dropped out of college?

I went to the driving range with my friend, Ernie.

Hit a couple balls.

Holy moly, it's George Lopez!

[George chuckles]

Is he famous?

Is he famous? Of course he is, you idiot.

He's a comic genius. He's a legend.

Give that man a kombucha tea.

No, not a partial one.

Oh, here, take one. Take mine.

Oh, thanks. Wow, man.

You guys like kombucha tea, huh?

Well, it's a probiotic, and when you eat as much jerky as we do, you know, anything that aids digestion...

I am a big fan, but my wife is a super fan.

You think it'd be all right if we took a picture?

Yeah.

Ha ha!

All right.

Oh, George Lopez.

I wish I could text this to Edna, but we don't get no reception.

I know. Listen, man, I need to get my car fixed or gassed.

I got to get to Las Vegas. Very important.

Say no more.

Broughton Goodson will take care of everything.

My man, all right, beautiful.

Let's go.

Here you go.

Oh, thanks.

All right, guys. [chuckling]

My car is just up ahead.

Edna says that, uh, "Saint George" never got a chance to find itself.

Yeah, I think that's true, you know.

We were grinding those shows out. That's my car right there.

Don't worry about that. I'm gonna take good care of you.

It's getting farther away.

Did I tell you about my Kn*fe?

That's a Capwell.

A Capwell?

Rob Capwell... he's the guy that makes these knives.

It'll cut, and it'll cut clean too.

You want a closer look?

No.

Probably just as well.

If I was to cut you accidentally, you might bleed out way out here.

If you look at the edge...

Oh, no.

If you look at the edge real close...

Yeah, I can... I can see.

Uh, hey, where are you taking me?

Oh... I got a little shortcut.

Don't worry about a thing.

[laughing menacingly]

Uh, this doesn't feel like a shortcut.

[Broughton laughing]

You got cell reception out here?

Intermittent.

[shrieks] Ooh!

Oh, my God!

It's George Lopez! Well, you come on up here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

Oh!

[chuckles]

Go on in.

Oh.

Go on in there, George.

Okay.

Could you try? I swear sometimes he doesn't pick up when he sees it's me.

Hey, it's G.L.

You got my voice mail. You know what to do.

He's not picking up for me either.

[sighs] Sometimes he doesn't pick up when he sees it's you.

He better not be pulling a Lopez.

Great place you got way out here.

[creepy music]

♪ ♪

So, uh...

I-I really need to... to get back.

Does he know?

You want to tell him?

Tell me what?

It's kind of embarrassing.

I can't do it. You tell him.

Somebody tell me.

[clears throat] So, uh, Mr. Lopez, I'm not a religious man, but I don't see your being here as anything short of God's will.

You think God sent me?

I don't see how else this could've happened.

I mean, seriously.

I need a drink. I think we all need a drink.

Tussin?

I like grape cut with ginger ale.

Coming up.

Is that cough syrup?

Oh, yeah, see, where we're from in Oklahoma was dry...

No beer, no wine, no booze.

You had to make do.

He likes it straight.

I'll admit it's an acquired taste, and, uh, I sure as hell acquired it.

All right, so, after I finish this, uh, cough-syrup cocktail thingie, then, uh...

We'll have some, uh, business, I guess.

[giggles]

First, let's drink.

Cheers.

[glasses clink]

Cheers.

Oh.

So... [clears throat]

Here's the thing, George.

The fact that we're both such huge fans and that we should run into you in the middle of nowhere is clearly remarkable, but how do I put this?

I am your number-one fan.

Oh, this is like "Misery."

Wait a minute... I'm James Caan, and you two are Kathy Bates.

[both laughing]

Oh, he's even funnier in real life.

Yeah, George, nobody's gonna break your legs.

Unless you want us to.

You see, George, you're Edna's pass.

It was between you and David Hasselhoff, and, boy, did I choose right.

Pass? Uh...

You know, it's when you pick a celebrity, the one person that you could be with that wouldn't be considered cheating.

It's a game.

It's a fantasy... you know, unless it becomes real.

Wow. [clears throat] So you... you... You want me to have sex with Edna and then what, I...

Then I can go?

Let you go?

Um...

Oh, my God.

You think we kidnapped you...

[crying] And the ransom is forcing you to be with me.

Oh, my God.

[Edna sobbing]

Now you've gone and done it.

Oh, my God.

Come on, honey.

[sniffling] I'm so embarrassed!

Edna, it's... it's George.

I'm coming in, okay?

Okay.

I'll fix it.

Good enough.

I'm going for a drive. I'll be gone for a while.

Wait.

You don't have to be gone for a while.

I'm coming in.

Edna?

Uh...

Obviously you would never want to be with me. I mean, look at me. I just feel so stupid.

No, Edna, I'm flattered. It's just... [sighs] I'm really not into swinging.

"Swinging"? Broughton and I aren't swingers.

You were just my pass.

Annie Potts was Broughton's pass.

Annie Potts?

Yeah.

I mean, I never really thought I would actually meet you, and then you just appeared like magic. But then you've always been like magic. Whenever I felt down, I could just watch you, and I'd feel better.

So...

Wow, wow.

You picked me over Hasselhoff, huh?

Yeah, and that's when he was on "Baywatch."

Wow.

You just always brought me so much happiness. I thought it would be so great if I could bring you some, you know, show my appreciation.

Appreciate me?

You look a lot more stressed than you do on TV.

[chuckles] Yeah, well, in real life, I always have to hold things in because I'm George Lopez. I can't fight back.

Well, you don't have to worry about any of that now. You just need to relax.

Well, I got to tell you, this Tussin is helping.

♪ It's all right, yeah ♪

Come on!

Mm, that's when Carlos Santana was on.

That's my favorite.

Of course it is.

You just enjoy.

Wow. Carlos Santana!

Yeah.

[chuckles] All right.

[sighs]

Oh. [groans]

Good morning.

Well, rise and shine.

Hey.

What time is it?

It's almost noon.

Wow, I slept all night?

I haven't done that in years.

Hope it made you hungry.

I made flapjacks and ham and eggs.

Oh, great. Uh, you guys aren't gonna eat?

Oh, I already did.

I'm gonna hang this up before it gets wrinkled.

My clothes... Wait, you ironed my clothes?

Well, you slept in them, and they were already pretty wrinkled.

Hey, Broughton, I know my clothes are wrinkled and everything, but I'm not positive about what happened with, you know, the pass.

George, I don't need you to sleep with my wife.

It was a pass.

If it was used, fine.

If it wasn't used, fine.

My man.

Hey, I'll take a little bit of the hair of the dog that bit me.

Well, now, I believe you were a grape man.

I am.

Uh-huh.

I'm a old-school cherry man myself, but I will join you.

Yeah, I better not mix.

No, no, never mix, never worry.

Hey, it's G.L. You got my voice mail.

You know what to do.

[sighs] He better be dead.

Well, I'll get you back to your car, get her gassed up.

I better get to work.

What do you do?

Well, I'm a treasure hunter.

I want to go.

So you just hope to find a watch someday?

That'd be fine, but...

[metal detector squealing]

[laughing]

How about this?

Wow. Is that from a six-sh**t?

Yeah. I've found everything out here, from b*ll*ts to gold nuggets.

Gold nuggets.

It's rare. It happens.

You know, I would always drive by so fast and see a house like yours out in the desert, and I'd think to myself, "What kind of inbred [bleep] lives way out here?"

[laughs] Yeah. But, you know, when you stop and look around, it's... it's beautiful.

It's beautiful to me because it's freedom.

Until Edna and I moved out here, George, I was miserable.

People nonstop coming at you with needing things, wanting things...

Demanding things.

"Hey, George, take a selfie with me."

"Hey, George, give me some money."

And not so much as a "please" or a "thank you."

That's right.

I live life on my terms.

Now I feel great every damn day.

Wow. Yeah, me too.

I don't have any stomachaches. I don't have a headache.

A-a-and I can't tell you the last time...

[inhales deeply] I could breathe like that.

That's the Tussin... Opens the nasal passages.

[metal detector squeals]

[metal detector beeping]

Oh.

Huh?

Look at that.

Ah.

I found a fork.

[cheers and applause]

Hey, it's G.L. You got my voice mail.

You know what to do.

No, nothing.

George is clearly on a bender.

I have to pivot.

Uh, season three.

[laughs]

No!

That character wasn't even introduced until season four.

I never watched the show. I guess I got to drink.

You know, George, we do have some beer in the fridge if you prefer.

No. Hey, man, when in Rome...

You know, I-I could be in Rome. I don't know where I am.

[all giggle]

[knock at door]

Who is it?

It's the sheriff. Open up.

Uh, I'm not here. I'm not here.

So we ran the plates on the abandoned car.

Now, this is where it gets weird.

The car is a Chebby.

It is registered to a Tiddlypie, but it was last seen driven by George Lopez, the comedian.

We know George Lopez.

Well, he's been missing for almost two days, and there's a fear he might've been kidnapped, maybe worse.

And the person last seen with him was you, Broughton.

George, did we kidnap you?

George Lopez!

Did we kidnap you?

No.

Yeah, I need to... see him.

I wasn't kidnapped. I was hanging out.

[sighs] Well, apparently you were expected in Las Vegas, but because of your personal history, there was a great deal of worry.

Does this mean I have to leave?

I don't really care, but you do need to get that Chebby off the side of the road.

Well, all right, Gus. Good to see you.

Tell your dad I said hello. Will do. Will do.

There you go.

All right.

Take care now.

All right. [chuckles]

George, I'll get you some gas and get you on your way.

You know, I don't want to leave.

I have to make sure I had sex with Edna, and then we're gonna go out and try to find some gold.

Hey, you have to help me find a spoon for my fork.

[chuckles] And then the Tussin, man.

Come on.

George... you got to go.

I mean, this ain't about Edna or treasure hunting or Tussin.

I mean, hell, you can get Tussin anywhere.

Yeah, but I won't...

If you want it, you will.

That's what it's all about.

It's like Shakespeare wrote... "To thine self be true" and just eliminate the bullshit.

What? That last part... that's not Shakespeare, thought, right?

Right, but it's true.

And, George... if you had a pass to have sex with anyone... would it be me?

Well, you know, Edna, y-you're a beautiful woman, sweet.

You ironed my clothes.

But maybe, you know, it'd be like Eva Longoria or Jessica Alba.

Exactly, George.

You need to go, and deep down, you want to go.

We didn't kidnap you.

I think you wanted us to kidnap you from all your troubles.

Wait a minute. That...

Is that... That's not Shakespeare too, is it?

Better. Season six... It's what your wife said when you wouldn't go on that school camping trip.

Oh, man.

[laughing]

Come on. Wow, "Lopez Tonight," the Santana episode.

Oh.

I can't take this.

We want you to have it.

Um... thanks.

[uplifting guitar music]

I don't have a VCR, but I-I'm gonna get one.

Go and pack my clothes.

To thine self be true.

Just have to eliminate the bullshit.

[both laughing]

If I had that on a T-shirt, I know I'd remember.

You're gonna be fine.

If you guys are ever in LA, you got to look me up.

Hey. I think I can get to Annie Potts.

Oh-ho-ho.

Thank you, Broughton.

You're a hell of a guy.

Adiós.

[engine turning over]

Move!

[laughs]

[electronic dance music]

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

[car hissing]

Finally they put me through to you.

Hey, this Chebby is a piece of sh*t.

It's barely running.

Does it smell like bitter almonds?

It smells like almonds. I don't know if it's bitter.

Get out of the car.

Okay, I'm out. Relax.

Walk away.

Do not go back in the car. We will take care of it.

All right, listen, I parked it at...

We know where it is. Just walk away.

Have fun in Vegas.

[car sputters, groaning]

Hey, Olly, why is Tiddlypie on my marquee?