01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

[classical music]

I can hear you breathing. Please stop.

Eggs Dauphine, my lady.

Blanche, I said I wanted scrambled eggs.

Blanche, you idiot! You got egg upon my snood!

He was going to wear that today!

Now he has to select another snood!

I'm Lillian. I'm the pretty, smart, funny, ambitious, nice body, soon-to-be famous one.

And I'm Beatrice. I'm the pretty one.

Sir, telegram for you, Lady Beatrice.

Ooh!

[clears throat]

Oh. Mm.

[sighs]

What does it say?

I don't know how to read.

Right.

Oh, Darling, your friends, the Claudette Sisters?

They've passed.

[gasps]

Our best friends d*ed!

Finally!

The Claudette sisters' passing means there's 2 spots open in the Newport 400... the 400 most important white people in all of America.

And I know who's going to fill them.

Who?

Us.

Well, I'd like to propose a toast to the death of our social rivals.

To the Claudette sisters!

And to tuberculosis for taking their lives at such a young age.

Yes!

[laughter]

Mm.

This is disgusting!

man: ♪ I want the money, I want the fame ♪
♪ I want the whole world to know my name ♪
♪ This is mine, I gotta get it ♪
♪ I got to get it, got, got to get it ♪
♪ Another period ♪

[classical music]

Lillian: Tonight's a very big night and we have to look our best because the head of the Newport 400, the Marquis de Sainsbury is coming to meet us.

He alone decides whether we will finally make it into society.

And when he arrives we'll prove we're the very definition of class and distinction.

Hello.

Peepers: I want those peacocks' teeth brushed.

What is this? What are you? We don't allow street urchins in this home.

Sir, I'm the new servant girl, Celine.

Servant girl? You smell of chicken gizzards.

Why are you dawdling? We're on a very tight schedule as we have an important guest arriving.

Now, some of your duties will include winding the clock, exercising the swans, bloodletting, ghost removal.

I am Mr. Peepers.

I am head butler to the illustrious Bellacourts.

They are, of course, the family of the great magnet magnate, Commodore Bellacourt and his lovely wife Dodo.

Yogurt spoon, pudding spoon, fish fork, crab tong.

Yogurt spoon, pudding spoon, fish fork, crab tong. Yogurt spoon.

Blanche!

[screams]

[cries]

This is Blanche's first week back from the asylum.

Some people think she's dangerous, but the only person she's likely to harm is herself.

We have a lot of fun with her.

Blanche: I have been diagnosed with hysteria.

And because of that, the state made Mr. Peepers my legal guardian.

Which basically means he can throw me in the nuthouse just because he g*dd*mn feels like it.

Frederick, when are you going to take a wife?

Mother, I'm in love with someone.

Well, what's that got to do with anything?

Good morning.

Hello, I am Frederick.

Yes, I know, sir.

I've been taking care of you since you were born.

What is that?

I'm sorry you had to see this poor person in street clothes, Madam.

Luella hurled herself from the balcony.

This is her replacement.

Servant, what is your name?

My name is Celine, Madam.

[laughs]

That's not a servant's name. You should be called Barb.

Oh no, dear, that won't do. I had that cat named Barb.

Ooh, I know! You should be called Chair.

Beatrice, that's a wonderful idea.

Servant, your name is Chair now.

Chair, meet Mayor Cutie.

Shake her hand, Chair.

You're welcome.

Thank God we're finally alone.

Yes, finally. Just you and I and no one else around.

Not a soul in the world but you and I.

Oh, Frederick, why can't we be married?

Because you're my sister.

Oh, applesauce.

Oh God, it turns me on when you say that word.

I want you now, right here.

Yes, Frederick.

Undress for me.

Yes.

Yes.

Whew.

Slower.

Oh, just a few more minutes.

Oh, my goodness, in a few more minutes, you will be mine.

Yes.

There you are.

You ready for me right now?

Mm-hmm. Yes, Frederick.

Shall I?

Yes.

Here it comes.

Oh, your body.

Oh, God.

Yes, yes.

Beatrice: Almost ready?

Almost ready.

Yes.

Beatrice: Oh, yes.

And this is your room.

This is where you'll be living, if you play your cards right, for the next 40 years. Alone.

[bell rings]

My God, that's the custard bell.

When I return, I expect you to be covered up.

This isn't a bordello.

Bald eagle and toast points again?

Yuck!

Hortense, that's enough food for you.

Lady Hortense is my eldest daughter.

She suffers from a variety of ailments from photosensitivity to thigh heft.

One can only hope she'll live a mercifully short life.

I hope you plan on shaving your mole for my induction into the Newport 400 this evening.

Oh, no, is that tonight?

I suppose I shouldn't have invited my guests over then.

Who did you invite? You don't have any friends.

Oh, no one.

Just somebody I met in the Women's Temperance League.

Named Helen Keller.

What, are we supposed to know who in the hell that is?

Is she that gal that can't smell?

She's blind and deaf, you ninny.

[laughs]

Are you serious?

You can't have poor people at my party!

Show some compassion, Lillian.

Hore doesn't have anything else to live for.

My name is Hortense.

Whatever, Hore, at least our faces are symmetrical!

Yeah, at least we don't wear face windows!

And at least we're not barren!

[laughter]

I hope inviting the most important woman in America over doesn't upstage my darling sister on her big day.

man: ♪ Solid gold, solid gold, mofo ♪
♪ It's hot, baby ♪

We have swimming trunks, a change for evening.

This is going to be wonderful.

Where do you two think you're going?

Well, we're going off to w*r, of course.

You can't go to w*r. We're having a party.

Yeah, which w*r is it, the poor people w*r?

The one about the potato?

I think it might be. I know it's an important one that we really must go to.

Yes.

I let you leave through all eight of my childbirths.

You can't leave tonight. The Marquis de Sainsbury is coming.

What would I have done during the labors?

I would have just gotten in the way.

You think I wanted to be there?!

The marriage involves a dowry, which is quite valuable.

Victor: It's almost like a prize that you get for enduring something horrible or something that makes you want to throw up.

[giggling]

When you put two penises side by side, that's called log stacking.

Peepers: Now that the Bellacourts are fed and ready, it is the servants' turn to eat their single meal of the day.

This is what we call "All Meal."

So, Chair, are you having fun on your first day?

Just think, in 20 years, you could be head assistant housemaid like Blanche.

That is, if Blanche is dead by then.

And if you ever need help walking the peacocks or transporting the family feces, just let me know, Chair.

For God's sake, my name isn't Chair.

My mother named me Celine before she d*ed giving birth to me.

It was the only gift she ever gave me.

Boohoo! All our mothers d*ed in childbirth!

Do you think I was born Peepers?

I was once known as Mitch. A word of warning, Chair.

If you find yourself incapable of doing your duties, you can hit the streets and begin your new life as a beggar.

Oh, Chair is much too pretty to be a beggar.

Thank you, Garfield.

Oh, yes, she most definitely would be a prost*tute.

An expensive one, too.

Yeah, she'd know how to do all the weird stuff.

I'm not going to die!

People are living into their 50s these days.

And I'm not going to be here either.

I have dreams, you know. Big dreams.

No offense, Blanche, but I don't think you'd make it as a prost*tute.

No. I'm going to work in a factory.

[laughter]

You? In a factory?

With your face?

Do you have some magic genie that we don't know about, Blanche?

You're a piece of sh*t.

If you really want to make it out of this house, you need to use the only thing a woman has going for her.

Her piss flaps!

[laughs]

You know what I'm talking about, right, Chair?

[bell rings]

All Meal is over. Stop eating. Everyone upstairs.

Garfield.

What the hell are you doing here, Celine?

My name is Chair now.

[bell rings]

[bell rings]

[coughs]

I'm full.

Helen Keller is arriving!

[laughs]

Hey!

Garfield, come with me.

Yes, Ma'am.

No!

You can't take my cheese man during cheese time!

[arguing indistinctly]

Lillian Abigail h*tler Smitherhorn Fish!

You unhand that cheese man this instant, or 2 of your 12 horses will be put down!

[gasps]

[screams]

Now get dressed.

Come to the foyer and greet our guests.

Hello?

Hortense: Helen Keller is coming to visit me!

Oh, I haven't been this excited since Lillian's birthday was the same day as the World's Fair and nobody came to her party.

Helen Keller and Annie Sullivan.

Why is she doing that with her hands?

Is she an Italian?

She's speaking and listening with her hands.

Wow.

She says hi.

Beatrice, stop staring.

What? Sorry, what?

You fell asleep with your eyes open again.

Helen would like to thank Hortense for her financial contribution to our women's suffragette movement.

Oh.

Well, to me suffrage isn't...

Haven't women suffered enough?

I mean, we're already inferior to men in every way.

Lillian, suffrage is the right to vote.

Vote! Would we have to do it every day?

If women can vote, who's next?

Horses? Tulips? Beatrice?!

[snores]

These people are absurd.

They can't make me vote.

This is the east morphine room.

Dodo: Whilst my daughters were socializing, I decided to slip away for a little me time.

You are to give Lady Bellacourt 10 cc's of morphine exactly.

Not a drop more or, God forbid, a drop less.

We need to achieve the perfect balance between hallucination and death.

Do you have a clean needle?

Peepers: Oh, what's wrong with this needle?

It worked perfectly well yesterday.

Ah. [spits]

Oh, the pain!

The pain!

Oh, quit your jibber jabbering and prick her.

[Dodo moans]

My life is falling apart. [groans]

[sighs]

I think my husband, the Commodore, is having an affair.

You have such lovely alabaster skin, Chair.

I wish I had skin like that. but Great Grand-no-no sacked a Moorish village, and now I'm Latin.

Chair. Is that Welsh?

No, it's Chair, like a chair. But my name.

I don't get it. Why wouldn't you want to see?

I like seeing.

It's not that she doesn't want to see, it's that she can't see.

Well, is she looking through her eyes?

Go back to sleep.

The Marquis de Sainsbury has arrived.

What? He's early!

I haven't b*rned my freckles off yet.

Blanche, put a sheet over the blind girl, now!

[screams]

Hello. I can't tell you how pleased I am to make your acquaintance, Marquis.

Good morning, Your Highness.

I'm sorry that I'm early, but I like to catch people off guard.

I'm the great Marquis de Sainsbury, the arbiter of who's who in Newport society.

Now, with all this new money, it's my job to separate the elite from the almost rich vomit people.

Good figs, is that Helen Keller?

[cries]

Why didn't you tell me you had the most famous woman in America here?

Her?!

The great tragedy is that you cannot see the magnificent beauty with which God has bestowed you.

Wait, you speak that dumb hand language, too?

I'm the Marquis de Sainsbury. I speak all the languages.

Lillian: I mean, how hard could it be?

It's just hands.

[chuckles] I am wicked.

[laughter]

You are a wicked mute. What are you doing?

That's gibberish.

You're embarrassing yourself.

Lillian: She stole my moment!

When I get done with her, being deaf and blind is gonna to be the least of Helen Keller's problems.

man: ♪ 19 money, Rockefeller, Rockefeller ♪

Who's there?

[laughter]

Utterly charming.

Tell me, what do you think of the new women's fashion of pants?

Oh, the butt dress? Repulsive!

I was talking to Helen.

Well, since we have such an esteemed guest staying with us, why don't we bring out the cocaine wine?

Well, that sounds exotic.

What serendipity has married cocaine and wine?

I tried opium once in Indochina and all it made me do was sh*t through my teeth.

Our guests are members of the Women's Temperance League, so no wine for us, thank you.

Don't worry. It's mostly cocaine.

If it's mostly cocaine...

[blows raspberry]

Well, stuff my bottom, let's pop her!

[laughs]

[cork pops]

[water splashing]

Yes, I quite enjoy Frederick's bath time.

I know it's Frederick's bath time, but it also is, in an essence, my bath time.

I get to wash my hands.

Oh, Garfield, sometimes I feel as though I have nothing.

I can't be with the woman I love. I have no career.

I have absolutely nothing to do all day except eat, take naps, hunt, relax, take dr*gs, play sporting games, do all the leisurely activities that please me.

Can you imagine not being able to follow your dreams?

Oh, no, sir.

For you see, I work for the Bellacourts.

Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am.

Frederick, can I tell you a secret?

No, thank you.

[laughter]

That lady was Roosevelt's daughter without a hat!

[laughter]

More cocaine wine?

Yes.

A little bit more won't hurt.

Any lady in Newport society needs to know how to hold her liquor.

Well, I can hold my liquor better than anyone!

Me, too!

Oh, my goodness, that sounds like a challenge.

Shall we see who can drink it the fastest?

Oh!

Yes! Yes!

Helen, other person!

Let's race.

One, two, three go!

Wait! I have to tell Helen we're doing a contest.

Come on.

Marquis de Sainsbury: Go, go, go, go, go.

Aah!

You are all piles of trash!

I am a mountain of gold!

I won! I took the egg!

Aah!

I won, you dumb haybag! You don't count.

Second place. Why am I always second place?

You're not second place. Lillian's second place!

I'm first place. I won.

No one asked you to play, Hore! You're fat!

"Other person"?! "Other person"?!

I'm the one that taught her to communicate!

Without me she'd be nothing!

You're nothing without me, Keller!

Nothing!

I love you, Annie!

Aah!

[screams]

That's a Ming vase, you deaf bitch!

We only have 17 of those!

[screams]

[screaming]

I wasn't totally sure what was happening...

Aah! but I knew I wanted to s*ab someone.

[screaming]

Let go of my sister!

[screaming]

You heathens!

What is this, Baltimore?!

[g*nsh*t]

[screams]

Intruder!

Wawa.

man: ♪ I just want the money, money ♪
♪ I just want the money ♪

I'm sorry Hortense ruined everything.

Who the hell is Hortense?!

I've literally been here the whole time.

I am leaving!

Annie? Helen?

Have you ever taken a ride in a 1901 Rolls-Royce carriage?

4 horsepower. Human leather.

Who cares about the stupid Newport 400 anyway?

[screams]

I just want to be a Bellacourt.

We might be a little kooky, and we might do things in our own crazy little way, but in the end, the only thing that matters is family.

Mm-hmm.

Tell me, did you miss me?

Of course.

My boyfriend's back.

Are you enjoying your new position at the manor?

I enjoy almost every position.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, oh! Oh!

I hope it's an heir.

I mean, a boy.

[hip-hop music]

Albert: Next time on Another Period...

[screams]

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[screams]

[all screaming]