01x04 - Monster Swamp

[bunniefuu]

I am 119-year-old vampire from Dublin City.

announcer: Previously on "Preacher..."

Remind me what the hell this is for.

I made a promise.

It feels like... all of God's creation, inside to me.

We just want what's inside the preacher.

Who are you guys?

We're from Heaven.

These Green Acres guys breathing down our backs...

What can I do?

Lacey, let's go.

Clive: Let's go!

Oh, Clive.

Go easy tonight.

(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

(HUMMING)

(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(EXCLAIMS)

(HORN BLOWING)

(PANTING)

(GROANS)

Get away.

Get out of here.

(g*nsh*t)

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

(g*n COCKING)

Well, you got me, Clive.

Always do, Lacey. Always do.

(g*nsh*t)

(GROANS)

What the hell?

Clive, I said...

(LACEY SCREAMING)

Clive: Lacey?

(LIQUID BUBBLING)

sh*t.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(HYMN PLAYING)

(GRUNTS)

Man: Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Peace be with you.

All: And also with you.

Let us pray.

"Guide us, O God, by your Word, and Holy Spirit, that in your light we may see light, in your truth find freedom, and in your will discover peace."

A word, if I may?

I'm busy, Cass.

You got two minutes.

No, no, no. Two... No.

Two minutes is tough. This is kind of complicated.

Well, summarize.

Done.

It's not really a strong suit, but all right.

You know, the other night, we kind of tied one on?

Jesse: No, not really.

(CHUCKLES)

'Course not. You were blizzard.

But I mean after that.

These two fellas come by, right?

Dressed as cowboy-types on the outside, but sounded more like two blokes who just stumbled in out of the pub in Clerkenwell, if you know what I'm trying to say.

I have no idea.

All right, that bit, that's confusing.

But the point is, things got testy, right?

Then things got rough.

Now I'm a big believer in live and let live, but when someone comes at one of my friends brandishing a bloody chainsaw, we're gonna have issues.

Right. Where are my keys?

I thought they were here for me. Right?

I thought this is my problem, I'm gonna deal with it on me own, and I did.

A dozen pieces buried in a suitcase and that's it.

Problem solved, right?

Good.

Good, except they come back.

Who?

What do you mean "who?"

Honestly, will you pay attention?

The guys! The ones I was telling you.

They're following me halfway across the country!

Oh.

The vampire hunters?

Yes!

Except they weren't vampire hunters.

They were like government agency clones, I think.

Or like androids with human innards or...

Honestly, I don't know how they do it.

The technology's incredible. (CHUCKLES)

Is that an apple pipe?

Yeah, but that's not what this is about.

You know, I've got...

(DOOR OPENING)

Ooh!

Jesus.

Cassidy: You ever been to New York?

Or San Francisco? Tijuana?

Honestly, the stories I could tell you about TJ, man.

What are you talking about now?

I'm talking about we have to get you out of here!

Road trip. You've got to know that's where this is headed.

I'm not going anywhere. Did something happen to the van?

Yeah, that was the clone people.

That was the second time I k*lled them there.

All right, what were you smoking?

Attic insulation, mostly.

But look, that's not what this is about, you know?

Cassidy, what is wrong with you?

What's wrong with you, huh?

I've got no air-conditioning.

Fix the damn thing already, would you?

Padre, I'm trying to tell you...

That thing you've got inside your pupil, they're gonna want that.

And I'm going to give it to them.

Nice outfit, by the way.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

This world... (SIGHS)

(SOBBING)

Where's Donnie?

Called in sick.

(FEEDBACK BLARING)

Hello.

Uh...

Thank you all for coming out today.

There are some lessons to be learnt.

First, you boys need to watch the roughhousing.

'Cause this is what can happen.

And, uh, you ladies, if you're gonna be out here in the middle of the night, you need to watch where you're walking.

All right, you heard him. Show's over.

Mosie: Come on, let's go.

Come on.

What the hell was that?

What?

Am I the only one who sees a dead girl hanging there by her ankles?

Well, what do you expect? It's Chinatown.

(MEN LAUGHING)

(WATER SPRAYING)

Hey.

Mom home?

She's pooping.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, I'm sorry to barge in.

Timmy let me in.

Tommy. It's Tommy. Barge in away.

Uh, what's up?

How many people did we have in the church last Sunday?

Twenty-five? Thirty?

I have to check my notes, but I think 22, including infants.

Why?

Twenty-two.

(TOY SQUEAKING)

But after the baptism and the outreach we did, I bet it's more.

Well, I want it full.

How do we make that happen?

Alice: Mommy!

Tommy: Mom!

You guys are supposed to be getting ready for soccer practice!

Patience and hard work.

We're just getting started, Jesse.

What about a raffle?

Raffle?

I mean, I could ask Gary if he could donate a Flavor Station gift certificate.

No, no. Something people want, like a TV.

You know, people come crawling out of the woodwork for one of them big flat-screens, right?

For a $1,000 model we can in no way afford?

Yeah, they'll come running, Jesse.

You don't need to worry about the money. That's not an issue.

Jesse, what is this?

What happened?

Did you do something?

Did I do something?

What do you mean?

Nothing. (CHUCKLES)

Alice: (SHOUTING) Mom!

You guys... (SIGHS)

I'll be there in a minute, Alice.

What do you mean, "Did I do something?"

Give me a for-instance.

A for-instance...

Someone said they saw you breaking into Linus Dilmoe's place the other night, and the next day, saw him driving his bus with his face all bandaged.

Yeah, that was...

Never mind. I know your business is your business.

I've learnt that much.

It's just, for me, I've been feeling things were getting on an overall, you know, nice track at the church with us, and I just...

I worry about you sometimes.

You don't need to worry about me, Em.

Not now.

Not anymore.

Okay?

Okay.

Think you got... a Band-Aid.

Band-Aid.

So, you think you'll be able to pick up the TV?

I'm working a double. Maybe you could do it?

Well, I gotta prepare.

Best Buy on I-10's open until 11:00.

No, I know. It's just I have the kids.

All right. I'll ask Cassidy. (CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, no. It's okay. I'll just get a sitter.

You sure? That's great.

Mmm.

After what I'm gonna do, that church is gonna be full every Sunday.

It'll be worth it.

What are you gonna do?

Something wonderful.

(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Like that.

Easy.

Come on.

People look to you.

It's important to make an example for others to learn from.

Understand?

Jesse, do you understand?

You said you'd bring him to us.

No, I said I'd talk to him.

Act as the middleman. And I have.

And, do you know, honestly, he's intrigued.

He just wants to know a little bit more about your plan, that's all.

The plan is simple.

The Preacher comes to us, we remove what's inside of him and take it back with us.

Right. Do you know what, I'm gonna...

Write this down.

Get on the same page here.

(CLEARS THROAT) So...

What's inside him, exactly?

We can't say.

I see.

But you'll remove it how?

Cut him open.

With a chainsaw?

Right.

Although, we could try to draw it out with a song again.

Song?

Wynken, Blynken and Nod.

His favorite.

Mmm. Wynken, Blynken and Nod. Yeah, that sounds great.

I just... I think he'll prefer that to the saw, I'll be honest.

We scoop it out and get it back into its domicile.

Because it lives inside a coffee can.

Put it back into its domicile, take it home where it belongs, and that is the plan.

This guy... That is just... That's brilliant.

That's a really interesting plan.

So you're from Heaven, right?

That's right.

Which means what? You're angels or something?

Cassidy: Right, okay.

But you aren't...

Look, no offence, but as far as angels go, you're not actually...

You two aren't in charge, are you?

(BOTH SNICKER)

No. No, no, no, no. Not at all.

Right.

Yeah, that's been really helpful. That's great.

So payment.

What's the offer?

"Payment"? As in money?

(SIGHS)

Jesse has a weakness for controlled substances, all right?

China white, black beauties, reds, blues, and opiates are a particular weakness.

But a great honking armful of dr*gs, it just...

It'd really help close the deal here, boys.

You know what I mean?

Or money will do.

(MUMBLING)

I'll just take the whole lot.

Well, where are you going?

You need to bring him to us.

Yeah, but I can't bring him to you without leaving, can I?

When will you be back?

Soon.

Be specific.

Very soon.

See you in a bit.

I don't trust him.

Fiore, what are you doing?

It's time to let them know what's going on.

And if they find out that we're down here without permission?

Why we're down here without permission?

We can't call them.

We're on our own.

No choice but to trust him.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

(VIDEOGAME MUSIC PLAYING)

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

Woman: (OVER INTERCOM) The Mayor's here.

(SIGHS)

Mayor: Your company keeps the lights on.

So the benefits are plain as pie every time anyone opens their electric bill.

But this isn't just another dog or some cow that wandered into the wrong field.

Hmm.

This is a human being we're talking about.

You know, this young woman who fell.

All right.

The issue for me is safety.

What's causing these sinkholes in the first place?

"Plain as pie."

(CHUCKLES) Right.

Well, anyway, I wouldn't be doing my job as Annville's elected representative if I didn't come over and check in, and, you know, talk your ears off a little bit about it.

Which you have.

Which I have.

Thanks for your time.

You know, so back to the salt mines of government.

How was Austin, Mr. Mayor?

Oh, Austin?

Threadgill's Restaurant, Austin, Texas.

Right, I just...

I stopped in for a bite just last week.

You stopped in for a bite just last week with Jerry Cutler and others from Green Acre Group.

That's right.

Well, I know they've been reaching out to you, too.

I mean, it's kind of an amazing company.

You know, I don't know if you've seen any of their informationals, but, I mean, they have a ton of cool stuff on soil sustainability and aeroponics.

"Profitability problems with water, earth and sun solutions...

Sustainability silos...

Business brawn of the bean curd."

You see, you should meet them, hear them out.

I'm telling you, they're really nice.

It'd be a hell of a partnership.

My grandfather, Jonas Quincannon.

One time, the Gormann Brothers had a pork concern out at Las Cruces.

Hoping to move in on his territory, they were pressuring wholesalers, something like that.

Uh, anyway, Jonas found out about it.

He took care of it.

Took care of them.

Didn't ask, didn't warn, didn't get angry.

Just got what needed doing done.

Nobody said a damn word.

Yeah.

His father, same way. My father...

All of them.

No one said boo.

Yeah.

Local tax revenues...

They're down 11% in the last 36 months.

Fifty-eight percent in the last 10 years.

Mr. Quincannon, we're in a malaise here.

This town, I mean...

We grow or we die.

Something needs to change.

And this could be just the thing, the sh*t in the arm we all need.

So with your permission, I would love to arrange a meeting for you to sit down with them and...

(PANT UNZIPPING)

What are you...

Don't look at me.

Oh, come on.

Plain as pie.

(SIZZLING)

Woman: (OVER TELEVISION) Two half-pound patties, covered in cheese, dripping in sauce. The Big As Texas Burger. Fit your mouth around this.

(ADVERTISEMENTS CONTINUE)

(PHONE RINGING)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Don't.

Do not answer that phone.

Hello.

(SIGHS)

Checking out?

Very soon.

Where are you going?

I'm hungry.

(DOOR CLOSES)

One Big As Texas Burger, please.

Sorry.

We ain't got a restaurant or room service here.

We got a vending machine.

Oh, hey, come on.

Let me give you a hand with that.

(GRUNTS) Wow!

Emily: Okay. (CHUCKLES)

Whoa! (EXHALES)

How much did that put you back?

Too much.

I told you not to clean.

Oh, I just straightened up a little.

Kids go down all right?

Oh, yeah. They went down great.

Cleaned their plates, finished their homework.

Tommy helped Alice with her jammies which was very cute.

Good.

You want wine? You look stressed.

No. No, thank you. I got way too much left to do.

You got here when? 4:30?

All right. We went over this.

Nothing I'd rather do on my Saturday night than look after your little scamps.

Well, I appreciate the help.

What... Please.

After everything you do for everyone else?

I mean, the kids, the Flavor Station, the church.

You know, running around for Preacher Custer.

I mean, Lord knows you deserve a break.

(LAUGHS) So I said, "I understand you're upset about the Zoning Bill, Doug.

You can come to my house and pull your pants down every day of the week, twice on Sundays, but it won't change a little something called the United States Constitution."

I bet that brought him up short.

Well, he still went ahead and defecated on my driveway.

(GASPS) What?

To be fair, he was conflicted.

He was apologizing the whole time it was going on.

No.

Yeah, yeah. It's true.

I mean, he even helped me clean it up afterwards.

Which is more than I could say for Odin Quincannon.

I mean, he has once and for all and finally slipped his biscuit.

(LAUGHS)

I'm never gonna be with you.

You know that, right, Miles?

Yeah, you've told me enough times, sure.

Out before morning. Kids almost caught you last time.

Woman: "In the mouth of the foolish is a rod for his back. But the lips of the wise will protect them. Where no oxen are, the manger is clean. But much revenue comes by the strength of the ox."

(EXHALES)

To me, Lacey was just fun.

She liked TV and eating and trying on different shoes.

When I think of her...

What the hell do oxen have to do with anything, huh?

Explain that to me.

It's a parable.

It's bullshit, is what it is.

Lacey wasn't called to Heaven by fairies on a cloud.

She was run down by a bunch of cavemen with pop g*ns, and fell into a bottomless sh*t pit.

No, that was an accident.

We weren't trying to hurt anyone.

Not talking to you, Vern. Shut up.

Comes to men and their deviancies, I threw my hands up long ago.

But, you ladies, you should know better.

Running around in your underwear, getting hunted like animals.

What the hell were you thinking?

You hear that, girls?

Instead of all this, you should be working for dollar tips at Denny's.

(MEN LAUGHING)

Shut your mouth, Clive.

Clive: No, you shut yours, O'Hare.

No one wants to hear your girlie-go power bullshit.

Too bad about Lacey.

Great piece of ass. Boo hoo.

You work in a whorehouse long enough, eventually...

That's enough, Clive.

There'll be no fighting. Not here. Not tonight.

I'll tell you what, boys.

In honor of Lacey and her peaceful ways, next hour's on the house.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Come on, let's just go upstairs.

You were a damn cute little girl, Priscilla-Jean.

I know.

Fun, funny. Such a great spirit.

But that temper of yours, not even your mama could handle it.

My mama never tried, Mose.

She was too busy up there, handling all them boners and balls.

(CHUCKLES)

Be a good girl.

I'm gonna go make us some tea.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Ugh.

(BED THUMPING)

(GIRL MOANING)

Girl: Yes. Yes.

What the hell?

Eat sh*t, Clive.

(SCREAMS)

(LOUD CRASH)

(GROANING)

Jesus. Oh, God.

I'm so sorry!

Oh, please don't die, mister! Please don't!

I didn't mean to. I...

It's my stupid fricking temper.

I just... I thought you were this other guy and...

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Can you please go faster?

Woman: I'm trying.

It's okay. It's all right. Just keep breathing, all right.

I thought you were that dickwich, Clive.

Stupid, stupid, stupid Tulip!

Hurry up!

Okay.

Please God... Please God, or whatever the hell you call yourself, I know we hate each other, but please, please, please, just this once, do the right thing here.

I'll be good, I swear. I'll be good.

I'll be so damn good, you won't even know it's me.

Kiss me.

What?

Kiss me.

Okay, okay, okay.

Kiss me.

Okay, relax.

(GROANS)

It's all right. You're gonna make it.

My friend needs a doctor.

Whoa! No, no. Are you listening?

No forms or take-a-number crap.

He needs a fricking doctor, grandma, and he needs it fricking now!

Who?

Cassidy: You were right, love.

I think I'm gonna make it.

(CHUCKLES)

John: Wake up.

We gotta go.

Wait here.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

John: But she's my daughter.

Man: Denounce him.

Denounce him!

Come on.

Some people just can't be saved.

Quincannon: Poor bastard. No idea what's coming for him.

Jesse: Where shall we put John Baugh?

Here, with Bowie.

Not with Travis?

No. Fell back with Jim Bowie.

Met his end manning that 12-pounder in the chapel there.

But Bowie d*ed in the barracks, didn't he?

Yeah, of course.

I had an idea, Mr. Quincannon.

Did you?

For the church.

A way to teach a lesson.

I just have to find someone people look up to, a leader of the community, show them as an example.

Come to church tomorrow.

No, thank you.

How long since you've been?

Church service? Long time.

Time was you were a regular.

Past due now, don't you think?

A man of your years got to be thinking what happens next after he dies.

Now, you know the rules.

I don't talk how my meat gets made, you don't talk about your magic man in the sky.

No shame in having questions.

I'm not ashamed.

And I know what comes next. Nothing.

Maybe.

But what if you're wrong?

What if there's Judgement?

"Judgement."

What if we're held to account for our actions?

What if there's punishment?

What if there is fire?

What if there's ice and darkness?

What if there's beasts with cloven hooves and tortured children and screams that curdle your blood?

What if they tear you apart real slow-like, with chains and spikes?

What if it's deeper than that, like some say, and you spend all eternity living your worst memory over and over and over?

Or what if you feel nothing?

Except for all the pain you caused everybody else?

Jeez.

Aren't you afraid?

Nope.

Seems to me you are, Preacher.

I could make you come to church.

That wouldn't be very Christian of you.

My father's land.

You always wanted it.

Biggest plot left you don't already own.

It's more than 20 hectares, yeah.

Come to church tomorrow.

Listen to my sermon.

You don't leave a Christian after that, it's yours.

(ORGAN PLAYING)

Peace be with you.

All: And also with you.

I want to thank you all for coming out this morning.

I know it's not always easy to get here on a Sunday.

Kids don't want to get dressed.

Lawn needs mowing.

Doing laundry, paying bills.

Whatever. It's been a long week, and you got another one starting up tomorrow, so thank you.

Besides, and here's the real reason it ain't easy getting here, and that's, "What good's it gonna do?"

Right?

I mean, look at this world.

You turn on the radio, surf the Internet.

Heck, look out your dang window.

It's crazy out there.

You've got wars in every direction, bombs going off in coffee shops and schools.

Folks scared to hug each other on account of some new disease.

Yep.

The world is turning to sh*t.

And you know what?

It's all your fault.

You've turned your back on the Lord.

Your despair has caused you to lose faith, embrace false idols.

But these idols, these things...

They won't save you.

Your whisky won't save you.

Your money won't save you.

Sex, love, romance...

They will not save you.

Your parents, your precious little children, that 55-inch flat-screen TV out there?

Nothing.

Nothing will save you.

You are sinners.

You have strayed.

You have forgotten the power of the Lord.

But it's not too late.

I'm here to remind you that starting today...

No, starting right now, I'm going to bring you back to God, one by one.

Beginning with one man amongst us who has strayed furthest.

God wants you back, Mr. Quincannon.

"Serve him and you will go out in joy, be led forth in peace."

Right.

"The mountains and hills will burst into song before you.

And all the trees in the field will clap their hands."

I ask you now...

Will you serve God?

No.

Will you serve God?

Now, I heard you the first time.

Will you serve Him?

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Odin.

I win, Preacher. It wasn't even close.

Now, I'm telling you...

(DISTORTED) Serve God.

I ask you again.

Will you serve God?

Of course I will.

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

Of course.

Yeah.

I will.

I will.

(CRUNCHING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

(RINGING CONTINUES)