[rattling]
[Dead Man Walkin' - Bruce Springsteen]
♪ There's a pale horse coming ♪
♪ And I'm gonna ride it ♪
♪ I'll rise in the morning ♪
♪ My fate decided ♪
♪ I'm a dead man walking ♪
♪ I'm a dead man walking ♪
All rise.
Welcome the honorable Judge Judy... Gold.
You may be seated.
So what do we have today, Monroe?
United States of America versus James Gaffigan.
He's being charged with being a dumb, ignorant, stupid, idiot white guy.
Thank you.
[baby cries]
How are you doing?
How do you think I'm doing? I'm in jail.
Well, what did you do?
I don't know.
They grabbed me at Shake Shack.
You said you weren't gonna eat fast food anymore.
Shake Shack isn't fast food, and besides we both agreed I'm allowed one cheat meal a week.
I never agreed to that.
Eh, look, that doesn't matter.
I'm in jail.
Well, do you need a lawyer?
The court appointed one, but I don't know if he's a good fit.
[whooshing flourish]
Okay, Mr. Gassigan.
Ah, Gaffigan. I...
Right, Gassigan.
It's Gaffigan.
You've been accused of double homicide.
What? Uh, uh, no.
Aggravated as*ault?
No.
Indecent exposure.
N-n-no! I-I didn't do anything wrong.
Oh, I see.
You're being tried in the court of public opinion.
Did you sh**t a lion? Were you drunk in public?
No.
Did you lick a donut and put it back?
No.
I-I-I would never put it back.
Have you Tweeted anything in the past day?
[whooshing flourish]
Is this Tweet funny?
Let me see it.
[scoffs] It's pretty tame, but that's your style.
Yeah, send it.
Hm.
I'd take the plea deal.
But-but I'm innocent.
Look, you admit you were wrong.
You check yourself into rehab for exhaustion, and then you do the apology tour.
And if you play your cards right, in five to seven years I could see you booking a reverse mortgage commercial.
That's insane. I-I did nothing wrong.
Then I can't help you.
But... but... what... I... Where are you going?
Are you coming back?
In defense of the charges against you as a dumb, ignorant, stupid, idiot, white guy, you have chosen to forgo your court-appointed attorney and instead chosen to represent yourself.
That is correct, Your Honor.
And you are aware that never works?
I understand.
Well, considering the charges, that seems about right.
Let's move on.
The prosecution may proceed with their opening argument.
Thank you very much, Judge Judy.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you're going to hear a lot of evidence over the course of this trial that Jim Gaffigan is a waste of a human being, a bigoted, small-minded, overweight, balding... man.
But what that man did, if we indeed can call him a man, is completely unforgivable.
[whooshing flourish]
Jim, I told you not to Tweet without checking with me first. You know I'm your Tweet consultant and grammar police.
I know, and you do that very good.
Very well. How are they treating you?
Is it like "Orange is the New Black?"
Jeannie, I'm in jail.
With hardened criminals.
Hot Pockets.
[kissing noises]
Come on, Hot Pockets, you want to chat with me? Come on.
[kiss]
I shouldn't be in here.
Yeah, well, none of us should.
Carrot Top?
Welcome to social outrage jail.
Outrage jail?
Yeah, we live in a different world now, Hot Pockets. People are easily offended.
People are looking for a way to take you down.
You say something on social media that's perceived as insensitive or you wear the wrong Halloween costume or you mention the wrong Miss Universe, you're done.
Well, what did you do to make people so angry?
I don't know. I've been in here since the mid '90s.
Oh. W-what's that thing?
It's a gay rat trap.
The rat would come in...
This was my closer. k*lled.
Funny, isn't it?
Kinda.
What'd you do, Hot Pockets?
I didn't do anything.
And stop calling me "Hot Pockets."
Well, you must have done something, Hot Pockets, or you wouldn't be in here.
Hey, Nickelback, did you hear, they let Anne Hathaway out today.
She'll be back. They all come back.
Not Ben.
Ben who?
Affleck! Affleck!
All right, come on, Hot Pockets, what'd you do?
Did you lie about being in a helicopter in Iraq?
What, did you fat-shame somebody?
No!
Well, that's good. That'd be a little hypocritical.
I did a Tweet about women getting their nails done.
Oh!
You are dumber than you look.
Starting to get some blowback on that Tweet.
Screw them, man. It's freedom of speech.
You sure it wasn't offensive?
I... I don't know. What was it again?
"Ladies, I hope you enjoy getting your nails done because not a single man on the planet cares."
Wow. Not a single man cares.
[indistinct chatter]
Do you find that Tweet offensive?
Well, yeah, of course.
And may I ask why?
It implies that women try to look nice just to please a man.
[applause]
[gavel bangs]
Silence! [bangs gavel] Order in the court.
Your witness.
Uh...
Good morning.
I am a huge fan, Ms. Symoné.
It's "Simon-ay," and it's not my last name.
Oh, uh...
Ms. Raven.
Again, wrong.
And I prefer "Ms."
Ah, that's what I said, "Ms."
No, I don't think you did.
I think you said "Miss," and I prefer "Ms."
Yeah, no, I said "Ms." And you said "Ms."
"Ms." Thank you. And you would know that if you knew more about women, which you don't!
[applause]
I don't get it. Have you seen yourself recently?
Do you really think that we're just here to impress you?
I mean, look at you.
What does your wife do with all that misshapenness? I need to know!
Explain it, please.
You know, I just say it how it is. Just call it like it is.
(gallery) Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Go on.
Uh, I-I-I...
I was hoping...
Y-you know, I'm a comedian. I, um... the Tweet, I was trying to be funny.
I'm not funny?
That... No, I-I never said that.
Women aren't funny?
No. I mean, yes.
I mean, some of my favorite comedians are women.
I laugh at women all the time.
It... No further questions. Thank you.
He laughs at women all the time.
I'm not laughing at women.
I'm... I'm laughing with women.
For women.
[gavel bangs]
That's enough.
[man beatboxing]
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Yeah, like that's a thing.
Mr. Benjamin, you are friends with the defendant's wife.
Do you think Mr. Gaffigan treats her well?
No, of course not.
Objection!
What is your objection?
It's mean. He's... he's mean.
Mean?
Relevance?
W-what does this have to do with my Tweet?
Judge Judy, I'm simply giving insight into Mr. Gaffigan's character or lack thereof.
I'll allow it.
Mr. Benjamin, we've already established Mr. Gaffigan treats women horribly.
Tell us, what are your feelings on Mr. Gaffigan?
He's always covered in spaghetti stains.
He wears cargo shorts, and I don't even know what's going on with his hair.
I mean, it's just... (chuckles) You see it.
He's a mess.
An accurate description.
And how you would you define you relationship with Mr. Gaffigan?
Exhausting.
Do you find he treats you with respect?
Hardly.
Mr. Benjamin, may I ask, are you a h*m*?
Please, mm-hmm.
So Mr. Gaffigan, who still wears cargo shorts in 2016, doesn't like you?
A person who just so happens to be a h*m*.
That's insane, Your Honor.
Yeah, I-I-I don't dislike Daniel.
I just think he's a jerk.
We understand, Mr. Gaffigan, in your oversized head, which encases a tiny pea brain, h*m* are jerks.
Your witness.
What? What?
He can't knock on my table.
Daniel.
I realize we've had our problems, but we're friends, right?
Do I have to answer that?
Objection. Mr. Gaffigan is leading the witness.
I'll allow it, but tread lightly, Mr. Gaffigan.
Go ahead and answer the question, Mr. Benjamin.
Well, occasionally I'm forced to tolerate you.
Isn't it true that you're constantly over at my apartment?
I'm there for your wife because you won't let her leave the house.
[crowd gasps]
She can leave.
What about the time you got mad 'cause she wasn't there for your delivery of Omaha Steaks?
I was napping. Eh... and I'll ask the questions here, Daniel.
"Mr. Benjamin," please.
Why are you being so difficult?
Oh, I'm difficult? Why are you such Yeah. a horrible husband?
You're gonna judge my relationship?
Your love life is a revolving door.
Objection.
Witnesses can't object.
I'll allow it.
(scoffs) I'm done with him.
Redirect, Judge Judy?
Go ahead.
So to Jim Gaffigan, all gay men are evil jerks whose relationships are revolving doors of meaningless flings and who shouldn't be allowed to marry.
What? I-I-I didn't say that.
And Th-th-that... that's not even a question.
Withdrawn.
But they... but they still heard it.
Make them unhear it.
[man beatboxing]
So, Mr. Marks, you're a comedian?
Yes, I am. I believe in freedom of speech and the absence of censorship.
And you're friends with Mr. Gaffigan.
Yeah, sure. You know, Jim likes to... likes to buy me lunch. You know, we've known each other for many years, ever since he came here from, uh, Ohio.
Indiana, Dave. It's Indiana.
Overruled. Same thing.
Now, Mr. Marks, what do you and Mr. Gaffigan discuss at these lunches when he's abandoned his wife and children?
Comedy. Mainly comedy.
Maybe a woman if I happen to be dating, which currently I'm not.
FYI, Juror Number Five.
And were you aware of Mr. Gaffigan's sexist nail Tweet?
You know, I don't follow him on Twitter, but, yeah, no, I saw it.
And were you offended by it?
Yeah, actually, I, ah, I was offended by it.
I-I just want to make something extremely clear to the jury, particularly, er, Juror Number Five.
I am super pro-women, and not just the attractive ones.
I love beautiful nails, you know?
Mm.
Yeah, beautiful nails indicate to me that a woman takes pride in-in-in her appearance.
I mean, ugly nails, like, "Ohhh!" I can't even picture it.
So you were offended because you're clearly super pro-women.
No, no.
I was offended because I believe Tweets like this to be nothing more than vanilla drivel.
Oh, I see. So what you're saying is that Jim Gaffigan's mundane, pedestrian comedy is contributing to the dumbing down of society?
No, I didn't say that. You said that.
He said that.
Noted.
But yeah, no, I mean, it's just that stand-up comedy should tackle socially conscious issues.
I mean, for instance, okay, I do a bit about handicapped parking, which on the surface appears to be making fun of cripples, but in fact what I'm really doing is making a statement about how we're all handicapped.
I mean, (clears throat) take women with big boobs for instance.
I mean, shouldn't they get a handicapped sticker?
I mean, really, you're gonna make them walk all the way across the parking lot to their car? Ba-boom, Ba-boom, Ba-boom.
So these are the types of issues that you discuss with Mr. Gaffigan at your exclusively straight, white male lunches?
Yeah, pretty much, when he's not stuffing his face.
Ba-boom.
Ba-boom.
Ba-boom.
No further questions.
Thank you, counsel.
Uh, Mr. Marks, let's clarify the issue here.
As a tireless advocate for freedom of speech, would you agree...
Yeah, Jim, Jim, I gotta... I gotta go.
Ooh, what?
Yeah, I got... I got a thing.
You said this was only gonna take a half hour.
I-I told you about it. I got a callback for a Windex commercial.
I-I I got... I gotta hit it.
♪ (Funky groove plays) ♪
You're welcome.
♪ ♪
Jim, Jim.
You're messing this up.
No, I-I'm... I'm... I know what I'm doing.
I...
Where are the kids?
Blanca took them home.
Did they ask about me?
Um... yeah?
One of them did. I think.
For our next witness, the prosecution calls...
Oh, me!
Me, me, me! Me. Me.
Jeannie Gaffigan.
Uh, your Honor, may I approach?
Yes, but make it quick, please.
She's my wife. She can't be forced to testify against me.
I want to. And I'm not gonna be testifying against him.
This man has been portraying my husband as a monster.
And sure, sometimes he's moody.
Like, sometimes if he hasn't eaten of napped.
Or if he eats too much and he naps too much, then actually he can be a real monster.
Save it, save it.
(Judge sighs) Let's proceed, please.
Yes!
Please, keep it simple. Yes or no.
Yes or no. I got this.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
I do. And this is a really good book, by the way, everyone.
Are you married to the defendant, Mr. Jim Gaffigan?
Yes.
And were you married under duress?
No.
Would you not say it's untrue that your husband has been known to not be disrespectful towards women?
What?
Allow me to rephrase.
Would you not say it's true that your husband has not been known to be undisrespectful towards women?
Um...
It's a simple yes or no question, Mrs. Gaffigan.
Um... (clears throat) no.
Uh, yes.
Okay, let me strike that last question.
Stricken.
[whispered] Stockholm Syndrome.
Mrs. Gaffigan, would it surprise you that your husband visited a fast food establishment last month?
No.
Would it surprise you to learn that he visited more than one fast food establishment last month?
No.
What if I told you...
Mr. Gaffigan, your loyal, faithful husband, visited 64 [gasps and murmuring] fast food establishments last month?
What?
I present for evidence Exhibit 425-B, last month's credit card statement belonging to Mr. Gaffigan.
Let me see that.
[Butter + Toast by Reggie Watts]
♪ ♪
♪ Yo you got your flapjack, pancake, griddle cake ♪
♪ Everybody loves a cake, yeah ♪
♪ I like your flapjacks just where they are ♪
♪ Just where they is, like 'em, like 'em ♪
♪ Like 'em, like 'em a lot ♪
♪ Yo, get some butter and grease ♪
♪ Come on, yeah, oh ♪
You bastard!
I trusted you!
But. that food meant nothing to me.
"That food... meant nothing... to me."
Just because you say it like that doesn't make it bad.
"It doesn't... make it... bad."
He... he's being mean.
"He's... being... mean."
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution has provided incontrovertible proof that Jim Gaffigan is indeed a dumb, ignorant, stupid, idiot, white guy.
His Tweet was just the straw that broke the overweight, pale, balding camel's back.
Jim Gaffigan is sexist.
Jim Gaffigan is h*m*.
Jim Gaffigan is disloyal and disrespectful to his own wife... and 800 children.
His vanilla stand-up "comedy" is contributing to the destruction of our society.
And by his pathological overconsumption of fast food...
What?
He has proven that he is against a living wage, a burden on the environment and, quite possibly, anti-Semitic.
[all gasp]
Come on! That's... that's... that's out of line.
We urge you, the jury, to find Jim Gaffigan, that fat tub of turds, guilty on all counts of all charges.
Thank you, prosecution.
Mr. Gaffigan, are you ready to present your closing argument?
One minute, do you have ketchup?
[man beatboxing]
Just a little mayo?
You know, I like to mix the mayo and the ketchup.
[man beatboxing]
That was delicious.
Ladies and gentlemen, I realize we live in a politically correct era, and that's a good thing.
We should always strive to be more respectful.
I believe in equality for everyone.
I consider my wife my equal.
I mean, when we rent a car I won't let her drive, but that's not sexism.
I just don't want to die.
She can drive my kids around. I don't care about that.
But if I'm in the car, no way.
Anyway, we no longer live in a time where white guys make the rules and call their secretaries "dollface" and sit around drinking all day at work like on "Mad Men," which was an amazing show.
And I remember as a white guy watching it, I was like, "Wow, we really had it all."
Which was a bad thing.
Anyway, it was bad.
But I digress.
Maybe I am a dumb, stupid, idiot, white guy, who still wears cargo shorts with spaghetti stains.
Don't forget your hair!
My point is... I'm learning, and I've made mistakes.
And like you, I will continue to make mistakes.
All I ask is that we don't act like we have it all figured out.
I know I don't.
'Cause if we focus on educating people instead of punishing them, I know we can make this a better world.
'Cause it's not about being right or wrong.
It's not about being left or right.
It's not about political parties.
We're all one party.
It's a party in the U.S.A.
It's not too late to say sorry.
We're like a small boat on the ocean, sending big waves into motion.
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath.
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess.
But we gotta shake it off.
'Cause, baby, you're a firework, and you're a firework.
We're like starships, meant to fly.
I guess I'm saying I want to see you be brave.
And I'll leave you with one final note.
No treble.
[rousing music]
♪ ♪
[gavel banging]
Order in the court! Silence! I said order in the court!
[silence]
Thank you. Foreman, have you reached a verdict.
We have, Your Honor. We find the defendant, Jim Gaffigan, guilty of all counts.
[indistinct chatter]
[gavel bangs]
Extra, extra! Ricky Gervais says Miley Cyrus has a dad bod!
[excited chatter]
Jeannie, I knew you'd stand by me.
I gotta go find out about this dad bod thing.
♪ Because you know I'm all about that bass ♪
♪ About that bass, no treble ♪
♪ I'm all about that bass, about that bass ♪
♪ No treble ♪
♪ I'm all about that bass ♪
♪ About that bass, no treble ♪