02x04 - Big Green Egg

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Casual". Aired: October 2015 to July 2018.*
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"Casual" centers on a newly divorced single mother living with her brother and her daughter. Together, they coach each other through the crazy world of dating while raising her teenage daughter.
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02x04 - Big Green Egg

Post by bunniefuu »

Valerie: Previously on "Casual"...

Alex, you're good at this stuff.

How do I make her my friend?

Standard dating rules apply.

I'm over in the corner with a bunch of my friends, if you want to join us.

Are you sure?

Absolutely. Come over and have a drink.

We're doing a potluck this weekend to kick off the semester.

I think you should come by and meet the others.

Look, you don't have to front. We just want to get to know you.

What are our options?

There are no options.

We take this money or fold.

Alex: You want me to match people who are incompatible?

Sell them a lie?

Give them the fun of dating without the pressure of finding a happiness that may not even exist.

[phone chimes]

[sighs]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪


Morning.

Sure is.

Sir?

Man: Sir?

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Hi, there.

ID, please.

Why, you got a bar back there?

♪ ♪

Who are you here to see?

I work here.

Yeah, so do I.

Snooger.

JME Capital.

Man: Nothing in the system.

You'll have to sign the sheet.

Power of the pen, huh?

Don't forget to validate.

♪ ♪

[elevator dings]

I'll speak with Damon about the server problems and it should be cleared up by the weekend.

Okay?

Sorry.

Sorry.

Oh, boy, you give a guy a nightstick, suddenly, he's Captain f*cking America.

Really makes you wonder why we're militarizing police, right?

Okay. Whew.

Okay, then.

Uh, anything else?

Cool.

We will regroup on Monday before the marketing meeting.

Wait, we're done?

Yeah.

Is there anything I need to know?

Jordan: You're good.

I'll have my office send you the minutes.

Hey, if you're still doing drinks later, text me, yeah?

Done.

Oh... oh, you guys going out later?

Uh, that's the plan.

Oh.

'Cause, um, I have a better plan.

I picked up some stuff for the grill earlier... brisket, ribs, Cornish game hens... why don't I cook you up a proper feast?

You don't have to do that.

No, we should get to know each other.

And you don't know me till you've had my barbeque.

Right, Paul?

Yeah.

You said ribs?

Yeah, and game hens.

Oh, my God, you should have seen me.

I was a huge pothead.

See, pot always made me so paranoid.

Really?

Yeah.

Not me. God, I smoked every day.

Even into grad school, it was crazy.

Then I discovered TM and it was just...

Valerie: I tried that too and all I got was... existential angst.

[laughs] Oh, my God.

Yeah, I know.

What do you do to relax?

I drink wine.

I drink lots and lots of wine.

One day, I'm gonna put a barrel next to my bed and just run a line straight into my mouth like a straw, and I'm just gonna suck on that until I pass out.

[laughter]

That's beautiful. [laughs]

You should come to my game night.

We have so much wine.

So much wine!

And great people.

People?

People!

Well, in that case...

Yeah?

I don't know why I didn't think of it.

I mean, honestly, you're a perfect fit.

And I think you would like Harry, who's great.

He loves game night.

Huh.

But not in, like, that creepy infantile way that some guys like game night.

Like, he genuinely really likes game night.

He's a good guy.

Harry, huh?

He doesn't have one personality disorder.

Wow.

You can't say no to that.

Yeah, I guess I can't.

You're in, right?

Before we get into today's discussion of "Eating Animals"

I would like to point out a potential trigger warning.

This book's depiction of factory farming can be violent, and at times, unsettling.

If anyone believes that they might be uncomfortable with a discussion of the k*lling of animals, they're welcome to step out.

So if we're uncomfortable, we don't have to talk about it?

Mm-hmm.

It's important that this room stay a safe space.

And talking about a factual occurrence makes it unsafe?

It could.

Vegetarians, for example, may have a strong reaction to animal death.

Got it.

Strong reaction bad.

Safe space good.

Right.

So if we can all continue...

What about eating triggers?

Hmm?

It's a book about food, right?

I feel like we might need eating disorder triggers.

That's actually a very good point.

Uh, if anyone here is concerned with...

Are we sure we should be talking about this book?

Yeah, maybe there's a safer alternative.

Nasif: Um... uh... um...

It's weird.

Oh, come on, it'll be fun. Game night.

Valerie: I'm the token single girl.

Set-up bait.

No, look, if she didn't like you, she wouldn't set you up.

Or he's a troll. Harry.

Harry... what kind of name is that?

Valerie: Harry.

Oh, but I, you know, I like game night.

I do, and who knows where it could lead.

Game vacation.

[laughs]

[phone ringing]

Hey.

These f*cking vulture lawyers, they see a carcass and they just circle.

Hi, Dad.

Drew: Laura, hi.

How's homeschool?

Trigger-y.

What does that mean?

She's fine.

I just took you off speaker.

Uh, so I've been thinking.

What if I bought out your half of the house?

Why?

Drew: We've lost two sales already and, you know, I just wouldn't want you to feel stuck because of this.

No, that's... it's fine.

I don't know. Loans fall through.

That happens.

Right, that's true.

Why? What's this about?

Nothing. It's just a thought.

Maggie and I are thinking ahead.

Thinking ahead to what?

To the future.

The future?

Just, you know, if there were three of us, then we could use the space.

Three?

It's just something we're talking about.

Drew: Val?

Okay, well, great.

Uh, I wish you a lot of luck with that.

[light guitar music]

♪ ♪


You know, I should meet Harry. I bet he's great.

Yeah, I'm sure he is.

Yeah.

[handle squeaking]

How about, uh, this one?

It's gas.

So?

I think we want fire, you know?

Fire's comforting.

It speaks to our inner caveman, when we k*lled with impunity and feasted on the spoils of the hunt.

Have you, uh, ever been hunting?

Course not. I'm a pacifist.

Hey, do you know a place that sells game hens?

No.

Seems like a British thing to know.

No big deal. We'll figure it out.

Well, I, uh, I have plans tonight with, uh, with friends.

What friends?

Other friends.

You have other friends?

Yeah, why would you think that I don't have other friends?

I don't know. I just assumed.

Ah. Uh, how about this one?

Oh, yeah.

She's beautiful.

Hmm.

Yeah. Fire. We want fire.

Okay, maybe, if I just push down on this.

Nope. That's not it.

It says "once an egg is lit, be sure to... burp it before opening the dome."

Burp it?

What is it, an infant?

[phone chimes]

Ah.

You're wearing that?

What?

Val, it's a barbeque.

Dark clothes camouflage the carnage.

Valerie: Uh, I have a date.

Well, kind of a date, I think.

Jennifer's setting her up.

Oh, how nice.

You can psychoanalyze him together.

Really pick him apart.

Okay. I'm gonna go now.

Okay.

[phone chimes]

Alex: God.

[grill clanging]

Does that look right?

No.

[R&B music playing]

Yay.

Yay.

I'm so glad you're here.

Oh, me too.

Come on in.

I want you to meet everyone.

But before we go in, I just want to say I should have talked to him before he came.

I just... I didn't want to make it weird and awkward, but, um, the guy, Harry, he brought a date.

Is that weird?

Valerie: No. That's fine.

I'm so sorry.

That's fine.

I'm so sorry.

No, that's fine.

Are you okay with it...

Valerie?

Hi.

Hi. Sheri.

Oh, hi.

Sheri. Val.

I'm so sorry. Harry.

You must be so uncomfortable.

I'm really not.

I mean, I don't think I am, so...

It's okay, and if you are, I would be, but that's... you know, you look so cute too.

f*cking idiot.

Thank you.

One Word Allie?

I know.

The woman's a conversational black hole.

Oof.

Hi.

Hi.

Jack Briggs.

Jack, hi.

This must be so awkward for you.

Uh, uh...

I would rather talk to a paper bag.

He just wants to sleep with her.

There's no way that that shower drip is on my team.

What did you say your name was again?

Uh, you didn't ask.

I'm Valerie.

Ah, yeah.

You speak in complete sentences. Fantastic.

Mm-hmm.

Alex: Hey.

Hey.

[giggles]

Alex, you remember Mary.

I do. Champagne. Thank you, Mary.

It's prosecco.

Look at that. It is.

How do you like the group?

I expected more freaks.

It's a weak crop.

Yeah.

I actually kind of miss that about my old school.

There's something weirdly comforting about a bunch of strangers all in one place, pretending to be okay.

You should meet my parents.

Yours too?

They should just cheat and blow it up.

Laura: That's what mine did.

Worked like a charm.

Bring it up at dinner.

Oh, don't forget your trigger warning.

[laughs]

When will that trend die?

Political correctness is here to stay.

I mean, how else are we supposed to know who's the most progressive?

Soon we'll have the perfect vocabulary for denying our racism and sexism.

Excuse me, ladies.

I, uh, saw you two working over here, I thought to myself, you could use some cookies.

So... voilà.

Come on.

Oh, damn.

The secret to a kamado style grill is, you got to burp it.

Yeah? Like that. Feed the fire.

Let the air in.

Oh, my God. They're fantastic.

It smells good.

Solid flame.

Can't b*at a charcoal fire.

Gas is more sustainable.

That's true, Mary, but I don't care about sustainability.

I care about ribs.

[doorbell rings]

All right, excuse me.

Don't touch it. It needs to sit for a sec.

♪ ♪

J-Man.

Alex.

Hey.

Hey.

I want you to meet my fiancée, Sarah.

Sarah, Alex. Alex, Sarah.

Alex Cole.

Oh, my God.

You two know each other?

We met in college.

[laughs]

How long has it been?

♪ ♪
The parents of this...

Yeah.

They were just completely...

[indistinct conversations]

So, um... what sort of work do you do?

Botany.

Oh. Wow.

That's so interesting.

Do you work outdoors all the time?

Sometimes. [chuckles]

It's such an unorthodox job, botany.

What attracted you to it?

I-I just like plants.

[phone ringing]

Sorry. Excuse me.

Alex, thank God.

Sarah Finn. Sarah f*cking Finn.

What?

She's here, Val.

The g*dd*mn Queen of Hearts and she's painting the roses red.

She's painting the roses red and...

Wait, wait, wait. Calm... calm down.

And there's an open flame and all that's gonna be left is a pile of ashes and my f*cking teeth.

Wait, I'm sorry. This is so weird.

Why is your ex-girlfriend at the house?

I don't know, Val.

Because... because she's stalking me?

Because she's deranged?

What has she done so far?

Nothing. She's just toying with me, like a cat with a mouse.

Is there any chance that you are overreacting a little bit?

Alex: No, Val.

The last time I saw her, she broke into my apartment and stole all my lightbulbs.

Even the one in the fridge.

Jennifer: Hey, Val! We're starting.

Alex: That kind of attention to detail, I'd be impressed if I wasn't afraid for my life.

Valerie: Yeah, right. Okay, well, maybe she's grown up a little bit.

I don't know. I'm sor... Alex...

No, Val, no, come home!

I'm sorry, Alex. I have to go. I just do.

Bye.

I need my Tonto.

I need my Robin... What? What?

Alex.

You have a fantastic house.

[laughs]

All this wood.

I love the windows.

Alex: Thanks, man.

It's all about natural... light.

So dead celebrities are fair game?

Oh, yeah.

Dead, alive, fictional...

They just have to be famous.

All right. Everyone in.

Are there any other house rules?

Jennifer: Just one... if you end up with the lowest score, you will wear the hat of shame for the rest of the night.

Okay.

Jennifer: Um, all right, are we ready?

Even or odd? Harry, call it.

Jennifer: Even or odd?

Odd.

I'm sorry.

[squeals]

[laughs]

All right, so we defer.

Uh-huh.

All right, so it's over to you, meaning the player on the far left.

Allie, take the floor.

[applause]

Allie, Allie, Allie.

Take the floor.

You got this.

All right, Allie, are you ready?

Yeah.

Set. Go.

Actor.

You can say more words.

Name some of the films he's been in.

TV.

Okay, what TV show?

Showtime.

Nope. Showtime's not a show.

Uh, William H. Macy.

Don Cheadle.

White guy.

Jack: Okay, good.

Narrowing it down.

Uh...

Pick another name!

Yeah, you can pass. Pass.

Pick another name!

The Olympics.

Michael Phelps.

Uh, blade runner.

I mean, the guy that sh*t his girlfriend.

Can you give us a sport?

Ice.

Just i... my favorite sport. Ice.

Uh, Nancy Kerrigan.

Michelle Kwon.

I don't know...

Book person.

You mean like an author?

No, no, no, character.

A girl.

Valerie: Oh, what book?

Uh, children's book.

Pippi Longstocking.

Uh...

[timer beeps]

Time.

Jack: Oh, my God.

Sorry. [sighs]

[applause]

That was great.

Sheri, you're next.

Wait, wait, can we... can we talk about a handicap first?

Thanks.

This was fun.

For sure.

Next time, come to my place.

You can watch the fireworks.

I noticed you didn't touch the cookies.

But I totally get it.

That's totally cool, you know.

You've got high cookie standards.

I respect that.

So I went out and got you these... cookies.

So...

How do you see this playing out?

What?

What's your plan here?

Uh, maybe get an email or a phone... a phone number, if I'm lucky.

And then what?

I would, you know, send you a message, ask you to... dinner.

If he wanted that, he would just ask now, right?

Right.

Would you like to go to dinner?

What... oh, no. Not really.

So, like, another time then, maybe?

See, the problem is, if I give you my number, you're not gonna ask me out.

You're just gonna send me, like, a bunch of weird messages, uh, you're gonna try to get me to come over to your apartment.

Probably for sex.

Oh, definitely.

No! No.

Yeah, and then I'm gonna stop responding.

And then you're gonna go all aggro and you're gonna say that it was me that led you on and that you were just being a gentleman.

Language of denial.

An actually unsafe space.

Exactly.

[laughs]

Aubrey: Come on, I'll drive you home.

Okay.

Oh, oh, okay. He, uh... he f*cked a prost*tute.

Woman: Eddie Murphy.

No, no, no, the British guy that f*cked the prost*tute.

Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant.

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

[timer beeps]

Time!

Woman: Oh!

Oh, God. Okay.

That was great, you guys.

Uh, five-minute wine break.

Refill your glasses, meet back here.

Woman: Eight!

Jennifer: Boom.

Woman: Harry, eight.

Um, bathroom.

Bathroom, yes.

Uh, right through there. Are you having fun?

Yeah, you're... it's a tough room, but yeah, you're great.

Yeah, this is so fun.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

No, it's fine.

I'm fine.

It's just hard, you know?

I never know what to say.

Yeah.

I've, uh, I've been there.

And Harry's a great guy. I like him, but it's like, these people... the more I feel them judging, the more I clamp up.

I don't want to wear a hat of shame.

I... totally know how you feel.

Yeah?

Valerie: Yeah. Yes.

I mean, it's really intimidating.

They're very close.

How can you not feel like an outsider?

Right?

Here's the thing, I mean, who really cares what they think?

It's a stupid game.

You don't need their approval.

I know. You're right.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Everything okay?

[quietly] Thank you.

Sure.

These guys have ambition and drive.

They're gonna make it.

So now that you're here for the check, are you still gonna hustle?

Probably not.

[laughter]

[indistinct conversations]

So...

How are things?

Can't complain.

How are you?

Good. Yeah. I'm good.

Been a while, huh?

Yeah, it has.

Hey, and whatever it is you're doing, it's not gonna work, okay?

I like my marginally satisfying life and I'm not gonna let you ruin it.

Jordan: So, Alex, you knew Sarah in college?

Yeah, we met in college.

Didn't start hanging out till after.

Yeah, hanging out.

We did that. [clears throat]

Same friends. Bunch of maniacs.

[laughs] Been there.

What do you mean?

What do you mean, what do I mean?

It's a figure of speech.

No, it isn't.

Mary.

So what was she like?

Oh, no. Stop.

You don't want to... you don't want to hear this.

I'm curious. Come on.

You must have some good stories.

Um, I don't know.

She, um... she was fun.

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

We were, um, all a little crazy then.

Some more than others.

And how far we've come.

Alex: Yeah, how far, indeed.

Mmm!

Is this a dry rub?

It is, Paul.

Jennifer: All right, are you ready?

I think so.

Are you set?

Mm-hmm.

Go.

Okay, um, street artist, political.

Banksy.

Yes.

Oh, uh, "Are You There, God?

It's Me"... "Superfudge."

Judy Blume.

Yes.

She's a snarky "New York Times" columnist.

Uh, she hates the Clintons.

Maureen Dowd.

Valerie: Yes!

Comedian, everybody loves him, he sounds like Kermit the Frog.

Ray Romano?

Yes.

Oh, he's got a top hat, monocle, and a little cane.

Winston Churchill.

Fred Astaire.

Salty and delicious.

Mr. Peanut!

Valerie: Yes!

Nice.

Baba booey, babba booey...

Jack: Stern. Howard Stern.

Come on.

Valerie: Cocaine.

Fleetwood Mac, not a witch...

Stevie Nicks.

Valerie: Yes.

Jack: Nice.

Former congresswoman with devil eyes.

Palin. Or not Palin. Michelle Bachman.

Valerie: Yes! The lesbian in Charlie Brown.

Peppermint Patty.

The other one.

Marcy.

Yes. Little tramp.

h*tler mustache, just...

Charlie Chaplin.

Valerie: Yes!

Straight outta Compton, crazy mothafucka...

Ice Cube!

Time! Time!

Oh! m*therf*cker!

That is how you do it.

Jordan, Pippin, Rodman...

Wennington.

[laughs] Oh.

So wait, how many was that?

When do you have to be home?

Whenever.

Grab my bag?

[laid-back rock music]

♪ ♪


Front pocket.

♪ ♪

I can't smoke at my house.

♪ ♪

See you soon.

Thanks, Alex.

Alex: Good night.

See you. Hey, pleasure.

Uh, tremendous, buddy.

All right. See you.

Paul: Tremendous.

Yeah, be good.

Charming.

As always.

Anything to make an old friend comfortable.

Oh, yes.

Old friends.

Did you unscrew the lightbulb in my chandelier?

That was ten f*cking years ago.

And you were an assh*le.

Whatever helps you sleep at night.

I don't need help.

I sleep like a baby.

I guess that's what happens when you find someone who really loves you.

[footsteps approaching]

This was fun.

Thanks for hosting.

Yeah, any time.

I'll see you on Monday.

Ooh, new marketing guys.

You'll dig 'em.

Great.

You okay?

I'll tell you in the car.

Okay.

Okay.

Good night, Alex.

Good night.

I mean, Valerie, you were on fire tonight.

You're big-league.

Nah.

I know nothing about sports, but you are every sports metaphor there is.

I think I just got lucky, you know.

I think anyone really could have...

Not One Word Allie.

Yeah, but she's... she's very not at all good at this game.

[laughs] She was terrible.

Uh, do you want to stay and finish this?

Yeah.

Great.

Hey, I'm sorry again about Harry.

It's all right.

Yeah?

Yes.

I mean, look, you didn't have to wear the hat of shame, right?

This guy? That's too bad, 'cause it's kind of calling to me all night.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Right?

Oh, yeah, that really suits you.

[laughter]

[Lucius's "Wildewoman" playing]

Woman: ♪ Bound by the things she chooses ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Well, she'll only be bound by the things she chooses ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪


[laughter]

♪ ♪

Woman: ♪ Only be bound ♪
♪ By the things we choose ♪


Woman: ♪ She's a wildewoman ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Well, she's gonna find another way back home ♪
♪ It's written in her blood ♪
♪ Oh, it's written in her bones ♪
♪ Yeah, she's ripping out the pages ♪
♪ Ripping out the pages in your book ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, she's gonna find another way back home ♪
♪ It's written in her blood ♪
♪ Oh, it's written in her bones ♪
♪ Yeah, she'll only be bound ♪
♪ By the things she chooses ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah, she'll only be bound ♪
♪ By the things she chooses ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
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