01x03 - Ride Along

[bunniefuu]

Hey, baby. How you feeling?

I can't have sex right now.

Oh, my God, how did you know what I was thinking?

Are you in my head?

Will, you have tells.

I have sex tells?

Yeah.

Tone of voice, body movements, shallow, desperate breathing.

Baby, I would love to do it right now, but I can't relax with your brother in the house.

The man has no boundaries.

Oh, hey.

Uh, do you have any more of these fancy yogurts?

It's really helping me with my bubble guts.

♪

He pops up like a ghost.

A ghost that wears too much cologne.

Then I guess we'll have to do it in hotels.

Get ready. It's gonna get pricey.

Ooh. [Giggles]

[Rumbling]

Baby?

Are there...

Are there earthquakes in Chicago?

Not that I know of.

Get the kids!

Kids?! Honey, hurry up!

Baby, I'm right next to you.

If this is the end of the world, I'm gonna be so mad I wasted so much time trying to save this stupid planet!

Where's Miles and Maizy? Kids?!

Maizy: We're down here, Mom!

What are you two doing?

It's 11:30 at night.

We're watching "San Andreas."

Yeah, we're watching The Rock fight an earthquake.

We're eating night dinner.

Uncle Buck says it's the fourth most important meal of the day.

[Laughs] Ask Will.

He know. [Chuckles]

Yeah, something we invented as children.

Kind of surprised he's still doing it.

We're eating mac and cheese and French toast.

The syrup ties it all together.

Okay, you two, in bed.

Good night.

Good night. - Good night.

So, uh, Buck, you know tomorrow's your first morning handling things with the kids.

Yeah, the day starts pretty early, bro.

Yeah.

Man, Buck don't need no sleep.

I got the car gassed up, I'm sleeping in my clothes tonight.

I got you, baby.

There's no way he's got this.

Would you give him a chance? He hasn't even left the gate.

Honey, we have been through five nannies.

If night dinner is any indication, this is not gonna work.

If Buck can't do this, I may have to seriously consider leaving my job.

This isn't just any nanny, this is my brother.

He's resourceful.

When I was a kid, he made me a "Thriller" jacket out of duct tape and an old car seat.

And I looked good. So just try and relax, okay?

Seriously, I can't have sex.

Damn it!

I'm sorry.

Would you get out of my head?

♪

Hey, Ken.

Yeah, I'm not gonna make it in the office today.

Can you conference me into the meeting later?

Fantastic. Thanks. Bye.

[Air horn blows]

Show me a warrant!

Oh, good, you're up.

And you're already five minutes late.

I was born five minutes late.

[Yawning loudly]

Y'all really get up this early?

It's not natural.

This from the inventor of night dinner.

Yeah, and by the way, thank you.

She's cool.

She ain't got nothing to do today but doodling and skipping.

Listen, we've got to get the lunches ready for the kids.

Uh, handled it.

I did it last night. I'm taking this seriously.

There's nothing but candy in there.

Well, if somebody step to you in the yard, you got to have something to trade.

It's not a prison.

Well, Th-they both institutions.

And that's exactly why I'm taking the day off today.

You and I are gonna do a little ride-along.

Like the cops?

Mm-hmm.

I'll pass.

Don't worry, you'll be fine.

It'll be like I'm invisible.

We can use your car.

All right.

So last night, I had a moment to jot a couple things down that we need to accomplish.

"Couple" means two.

I thought you said you'd been to college.

Mom loves a list.

She likes to collate and file... not unlike a serial k*ller.

I am not like a serial k*ller, although I do appreciate their organizational skills.

So, Buck, we have a routine. It's a system, and the only way this works is if you follow the system.

Well, I'm not comfortable in a system.

I like to freestyle.

Honey, this is child care, not a rap battle.

Uh, all right, so we've got lots to do.

And it'll be fun. It'll give us a chance to get to know each other.

You two in a car all day?

Please let me mount my camera to the dash.

[Chuckles]

Yeah, you know, black people fighting go viral quick.

Speaking of viral, Miles is sick.

I don't think it was a good idea to have French toast and macaroni so late.

Oh, baby, what are your symptoms?

Puking... and the other one.

Oh, you got it bad from both ends.

You watch them, I got the list.

Uh, no, Miles will come with us.

He can sleep in the backseat, and we'll bring a bucket.

But what about the other one?

Oh.

Look, this is crazy. You're busy, baby.

So for the day, I'll work from home and I'll take care of Miles.

Wait, Dad's gonna take care of me?

You know what? I think I'm feeling better.

Let me go get some pants.

What's wrong with me doing it? I can do it.

♪

Why is everyone looking at the floor?

No offense, Dad, but you're really great at fun things.

But Mom's good at keeping-us-alive things.

You're not a natural at that.

You try too hard.

Okay, I accept that challenge.

Nobody challenged you, honey.

I'm gonna prove to you kids that I'm as good at this as your mother.

We're gonna have fun, buddy.

I wish I had a second camera. Dang!

Where am I?

How did I get dressed?

You're a little warm.

'Cause you wrapped me up in like five billion blankets.

Can't even move my arms.

Well, we need to check you for a fever.

So what's your jam here?

Orally, under the armpit, in the ear?

Not rectally, right?

Dad!

You're right! I'll Bing it!

♪

[Indistinct conversations]

[Brakes squeal]

Damn, this is a school?!

This look like Beyoncé's wedding, with less black people.

Well, the line is long because we're late.

But that's okay because this is a teachable moment.

Maizy, get out.

Be good. Don't do dr*gs.

No.

Nobody get out.

You wound a little tight.

You need to try a little weed.

Do you smoke weed?

Uh, oh, hell no!

What did you hear?

Now, listen to me.

There are rules at this school.

Parents are supposed to drop their kids off one at a time.

That is the way that Sandy likes it.

Mommy's scared of Sandy.

I am not scared of Sandy!

[Laughs]

I'm scared of Sandy now.

Who the hell is Sandy?

That's her. She's head of school.

She guards the door like a gargoyle in a cardigan.

Hi!

She asks you what you had for breakfast, and if you didn't eat something healthy, she shames you.

Hmm.

Well, listen, those are the rules, girls.

Those ain't Buck's rules.

I'm gonna get us back on track.

No, no!

[Tires squeal]

Slow down!

Watch out!

Cindy Patrellus!

[Tires screech]

Oh, God!

What is wrong with you?

Ohh.

Damn, where she come from?

She magic.

We're in a hurry this morning, huh, Russells?

Who's this fresh face?

Oh, uh, my bad.

M-M-My gas pedal's inconsistent.

This is actually my brother-in-law, Buck, and I told him not to do it, but he ignored me, but the kids saw, right, kids?

You saw him ignore me, right?

Hmm. You know what?

Why don't you pull over, come in my office, we'll have a sit and talk about drop-off policies and other things to be mindful of.

Hey, let's make some good choices today, okay?

That wasn't one.

Okay!

[Sighs]

She wasn't that bad. She smiled.

Mnh-mnh, that's not a good smile, Buck.

You know in "Batman" where The Joker smiles?

It's like that. She's gonna make us pay.

♪

Holy crap!

Dad! How long have you been there?

15 minutes.

It's like something out of "Paranormal Activity."

We told you you couldn't see that movie.

Don't change the subject.

What is that?

Well, you say you're nauseous, so I got these three bottles out of the medicine cabinet that say the treat nausea.

You recognize any of them?

Well, if you were Mom, you would know the taste of medicine grosses me out.

Please just call her.

No! I can figure this out.

I don't want you experimenting on me.

Stay in your lane and call her.

So no sponge bath, then?

That's gross, Dad.

Just call Mom.

He's in there getting us expelled, and then I'm gonna have to home-school you kids, and that's gonna make Miles even weirder.

Mom, I'm gonna ask you something I normally wouldn't.

Can I please go to class?

Baby, I wish, but we had to push back your dentist appointment.

And if you miss your appointment, you're gonna end up with pirate teeth like your Auntie Linda.

What is he saying in there?

Mom, it's fine.

[Chuckles] And then the doctor said, "How did you get that toy soldier up there?"

And Fat Margaret say, "None of your damn business," and then just yanked it out.

Oh!

[Laughs]

That is a hilarious story.

Well, thank you. It's very inappropriate for a school setting.

Huh?

So, Buck, life here at Oak Tree Academy is made up of sacred moments.

I understand.

Drop-off is one of them.

It is?

And that is why we have strict rules here.

Mm-hmm.

So my instinct is to ban you from drop-off for a month.

You scare me, Sandy.

But I get it.

You want to ban me, that's fine.

[Sniffing]

You smell something?

[Sniffing]

It's like a... a cocoa butter and a cookie.

I am wearing an essential oil.

I infused it myself.

It is so intoxicating.

Oh! [Chuckles]

You a jazz fan?

I wrote my thesis on it!

I have a teacup pig named Charlie Parker.

You are so damn complex.

Oh!

And say we, uh... get to know each other a little bit better... once that ban... is lifted.

♪

Holler at your boy.

[Laughs]

Okay.

What happened? Is it bad?

No.

Me and Sandy, we good.

All we got to do is replace them cupcakes for Justin's birthday party and we in the game.

Justin Patrellus, the most allergic kid in the school?

Yeah, he has to drink prescription water.

Buck, those cupcakes are gonna have to be gluten-free, peanut-free, and sugar-free and very expensive.

Oh, we good. And she told me where to get 'em.

Some kind of organic bakery, it's...

Not The Compassionate Oven.

That's it!

That's all the way downtown. It's like an hour and a half away.

That's gonna throw us completely off.

I told you Sandy was gonna make us pay!

Yeah, look at her.

♪

That woman's a stone-cold hustler.

[Sighs]

Buck: All these skinny people in here.

Where I get my cupcakes, they fat as hell.

Buck, this is very serious. Sandy is testing us.

All right, all right. If we don't get this done for her, she's gonna make it very difficult for us.

Okay, it's like the "Hunger Games" at that school, and I don't want to be a tribute.

I don't know what that means, but from the twitch of your eye, it ain't good.

I know it's tempting to want to take shortcuts, but there are a lot of moving parts to this.

And I need you to follow my system.

Okay, cool. I'm... I'm focused.

Okay.

I'm... I'm with you.

Good.

So we dropped Tia off about an hour ago at the dentist, so that means...

Oh, snap.

A sample.

Buck.

What? [Chuckles]

Ugh!

Damn!

It's like sauerkraut a-and beets mixed!

God!

Uh, is there a problem?

No.

Yeah.

This right here is refusing to be swallowed.

This don't make no sense. This is... blah!

My crocs!

I'm sorry.

Get out!

I don't know what gluten is, but when you don't have it, it make you crazy.

We're not gonna panic. We can do this.

There's another organic bakery across town, and if we leave right now, we'll be back on track.

Why don't we just give Justin some real cupcakes and an EpiPen, and then we'll be the heroes?

Not helping, Buck.

Okay, the vet is on the way.

We can stop there first and get Pepper's special dog food.

Special dog food.

Special cupcakes.

How long y'all plan on living?

Will you start the car?!

How's that ice cream treating you?

It's good.

Hmm.

Well, your medicine was in there!

Mind blown, see?

I can be as good at this as your mom.

In fact, I think I can be better. You know why?

How could I?

Because I'm an architect, son.

I solve problems all day long.

I don't just build my clients a building.

I build them a dream.

So let me build your dream sick day, Miles.

What do you think?

You have my attention.

Great.

I'm gonna approach this problem the same way I do at work.

We... are gonna brainstorm, son.

Ah, ah, ah! Ah, ah, ah.

Boop, boop.

What bothers you most about sick day?

Well, Mom makes me lay in bed all day.

Mm-hmm.

So boring.

Mom is boring.

We can b*at that.

What about a movie? I'll grab you a DVD.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

You know what, a DVD is a little Mom-ish.

Mm.

Get that out of there.

I was thinking we could download the new "Fast and Furious" movie.

"Fast and"... ooh.

I don't want to slow down our jam, but isn't that an "R" movie?

I'm sorry.

I really just thought we were brainstorming.

You're right. Thanks for keeping me honest.

You got it.

It's just cars driving fast... and I would assume furious-ly.

It's a good sesh.

You know what?

Give me the marker.

I have a few more ideas.

Get in here, Miles.

You can't be serious!

Ugh! I need that dog food, Buck.

What's the big deal?

I've seen the dog eating his own poo!

It I a big deal, Buck. All of it is a big deal.

Pepper has a very sensitive stomach, and if he doesn't get the right dog food, he gets the shakes like a furry little junkie.

And the dog food is right there.

[Cellphone rings]

Ooh, sh**t, this is work.

Hey!

Yeah, um...

Yeah, no, it's... it's actually in the top drawer in my desk.

Yep. Okay.

[Cellphone beeps]

What did you do?!

The less you know, the better.

[Dog growling]

Damn, a bear!

[Screams]

♪

Buck!

Alexis: Hey, Dr. Timmons, Terry.

You guys got subs?

Excuse me.

My teacher said I had a phone call.

Yeah. Sorry to pull you out of doodle class, but your daddy's on the line.

Over there.

Hello.

Aagh! It's me!

I just wanted to call and let you know that I'm eating pizza and playing Hitman.

And yes, it is rated "M."

How?!

Dad is so desperate to prove that he's better than Mom at sick day, he will do anything I ask.

I'm living the dream, baby girl.

Did you just call me to rub it in my face?

Yes, I did.

Tell those other suckers at school I say hello.

[Scoffs]

[Groans]

Maizy, are you all right?

I feel sick.

Oh!

Oh, Louise, it's a sick... ugh!

♪

Hey, honey, what's going on?

Oh, Maizy's sick.

I can't talk, I'm on a conference call.

Go upstairs, get your PJs on, and buckle up for sick day 2.0.

[Coughs]

Is everything okay out there?

No, everything's cool, brother. Look, I'm gonna tell...

Oh, it is far from cool.

We pissed off Sandy, he almost k*lled Cindy Patrellus, and he spit on a vegan. Now we're gonna need a new vet.

That doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, I'm here, Ken. We need that funding.

What's going on, bro?

Your wife is freaking out.

That's because he doesn't listen.

He does whatever he wants.

Oh, no, not you, Ken.

You are a team player.

I feel sorry for you.

How's everything going here, bro?

k*lling it.

I've cracked the code on sick day.

Miles is feeling a lot better.

These kids aren't even gonna remember their mother used to take care of them.

Man, that's some fancy popcorn.

Yeah, Miles likes it with truffle oil and Parmesan.

Then I'm gonna hook Maizy up.

Miles mentioned something about bowling.

I'm basically winning sick day.

No, they are winning sick day.

[Both coughing]

Alexis: Oh, my God!

We forgot Tia at the dentist.

What?!

She just texted me in all caps.

Give me the keys, Buck. Come on.

I'm driving now.

You can't drive... you crazy.

I am not crazy!

Come on!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Slow down! This is a vintage automobile.

I'm still making payments on this.

I cannot believe I left Tia at the dentist!

I have never forgotten to pick up one of my kids, Buck, ever.

Okay, Alexis, just pull it together.

You got this.

Speed bump!

[Bang]

Oh! Oh!

[Engine knocking]

Oh.

♪

Damn, this happen every time I don't have any insurance.

No.

No!

No!

[Engine sputtering]

No!!

[g*nshots, men grunting]

This is an amazing scam, Miles.

Thank you. It's my opus.

I'm hoping when future generations do this, they call it "The Miles."

[Clears throat]

Geez!

Dad, you're like a ninja!

I'm sorry, guys.

Just wanted to see how it's going.

[Coughs weakly]

We still don't feel great.

Yep. Pretty crappy.

I'm sorry to hear that.

You know, I tried really hard today.

Just wanted you guys to know you can rely on me if you ever feeling sick.

Just wanted to build some trust.

Trust is important.

Can't have a family without it.

Unh. So... that's why I'm crushed this happened on my watch.

What are you talking about?

I called Dr. Prince, and he says you have raspberry beret disease.

What?!

Will: Yeah, you know... the kind you find at the secondhand store.

Unfortunately, you two...

...have to be quarantined.

[Tape ripping]

But I just got here!

How long do we have to stay in here?

Oh, uh, three days, a month... it varies.

Dad, I'm not really sick.

I'm just pulling a Miles.

Yeah, me, too.

Oh, you're not sick?

Oh, thank God! I'm so relieved.

You're not quarantined.

You're grounded!

♪

And I'm leaving the plastic.

I missed doodle class for this?

Alexis: This cannot be happening.

Are you really gonna just sit there and text?

I called the tow truck. We might as well just chill.

[Sighs]

Whoo, man, this is getting rough.

Are you serious?

What?

It's just a little car wine.

Take the edge off for you. We're not driving.

Might as well just go ahead and take the rest of it.

I pass.

Buck, what am I gonna tell Tia?

Tia's at the dentist.

It ain't like you sold her to an Arab sheik.

It's not about the dentist.

You don't understand. It's this.

It's... it's about this.

Hmm. About what?

This, all of this!

The ridiculous idea that I could go back to work and still be a good mother.

Yeah.

I can't do it.

I'm a failure. I failed!

No.

What the hell?

♪

Whoo!

Ooh! I should have sipped.

That burns.

That's how you know it works.

Yeah.

And then Fat Margaret said, "None of your damn business," and yanked it out.

[Laughs]

That is so foul, but hilarious!

I like this Alexis.

How come I never met her?

I don't know.

Maybe because you've never given me glove-box wine before.

Yeah. Can I be real with you?

Why are you so hard on yourself?

Aah.

I don't know, maybe because I was raised by nannies, my mother was never around, and she didn't even work.

That's cold.

I know.

And I promised myself that when I became a mother, that I was gonna be hands-on.

So that means every time you make one of those lists, you're not your mother.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

And all I know is raising kids is not easy.

Ah, tell me about it.

In all fairness, Buck, you've only been doing it for a day.

I raised kids... your husband!

Yeah, while my grandmother went to work.

I had to improvise and make diapers out of newspapers.

That's how he learned how to read so early.

[Laughs]

Well, all right, maybe I'm not giving you enough credit for how great he turned out.

So thank you for that.

Yeah.

Truly.

But your improvising kind of scares me.

Well, we gonna have to find a common ground between my newspaper diapers and your long serial-k*ller lists.

[Chuckles] Okay, fair enough.

I love your kids like they mine, and I promise you to take care of them right.

[Siren chirps]

Oh, my God!

My baby's been arrested.

Look, Mom, I'm an NFL football player!

What is this?

While you was over here telling me about your tragic childhood stories, I texted my friend Marcus, who owes me a favor.

That's Fat Marcus?

No, that's a different Marcus. He picked up Tia.

And the cupcakes, the dog food, and Maizy's costume?

He's a cop, not a wizard.

We got to go get the stuff.

Now, look, it might get a little crazy, but you down?

All right. Screw it, let's improvise.

Come on, let's do it.

Scoot over, Tia.

♪

All right, Marcus, turn on those sirens.

I'm ready to run some red lights.

[Laughs]

[Siren wails]

I ain't never rode in the front seat of one of these.

It's always the backseat.

Will: What's the verdict on Buck?

Well, we got everything done on my list.

We broke about a hundred rules, but you know what?

I may regret saying this, I actually think it may work out with Buck.

Good.

[Chuckles]

Hi.

You want to have sex.

Oh.

Yeah, you have a tell, too. It's strong wine breath.

[Laughs]

But aren't you afraid Buck will walk in?

Oh, honey, I locked that door.

Let's see him get through that.

That's all I need to hear.

Yes. Oh, my goodness gracious!

[Giggling]

Sorry, guys, I had ran out of Q-tips, and I was gonna wait in there until you was done, but it didn't seem cool, so... Y'all, just carry on.

Just do what y'all doing.