02x07 - Series Finale: Christmas Special

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Vicious". Aired April 2013 - December 2016.
"Vicious" is a sitcom telling the story of partners Freddie and Stuart, two men who have lived together in their apartment for 48 years. Their lives now revolve around entertaining their frequent guests and hurling insults at each other at every opportunity.
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02x07 - Series Finale: Christmas Special

Post by bunniefuu »


[Spoon clinking in cup]


Well, it's been a long time since we did that.

I wasn't sure it would all still work.

But it did.

It's like riding a bike...

That's been left out in the rain for 20 years.

For a second there, I thought I k*lled you.

[Doorbell rings]

It's Violet, darling!

Now, Freddie, remember, no mentioning the inheritance my mother left me.

It's the first time we've ever had any savings, and I want us to be able to keep it for ourselves.

I'm broke, darling. I've got nothing.

Oh, that's too bad.

So, what else is new?

Don't you want to know what happened?

Not really.

I lost everything in the divorce.

I don't understand.

How did you lose everything in the divorce?

You were only married a few months.

Well, actually, he stole it all, but this way sounds more sophisticated.

You'll pull through, dear. You always do.

That's one of the things we love about you.

Any sane person with your life would've k*lled themselves long ago.

Thank you, Freddie.

But I don't think I will pull through this time.

I've really found myself on the brink of financial ruin.

If only we could help... But we can't.

Of course not, and I would never ask you for anything.

I'm still so surprised, Stuart, that your mother left you nothing in her will.

Nope. Not a penny. Spent it all.

What on earth on?

The last time she bought a dress, h*tler was in power.

Who knows?



She always had a bit of a dark side.

Yes, I suppose. Are those new dressing gowns you're both wearing?


[Doorbell rings]

Really? Are you quite certain?

Fewer questions, more makeup.


Why are you dressed like that, dear?

Oh, it's for me new job. I'm a lollipop man.

Jesus Christ!

Between this and my 3 other jobs, I should be able to make April's rent.

It's may.

Oh, God, is it?

Do you remember how attractive we used to think he was?

If only you and I could find a way to make some extra cash, darling.

You know what I've heard can be quite lucrative?

A sex tape.

Y-y-yeah, I don't... I don't think...

No, I have my reservations, too, but it's something we should consider.

Do you think we could make much money?

Only if people had to pay not to see it.

Well, we hate to give you short shrift, but we've booked massages today and then lunch at the savoy, so good-bye.

I should go anyway.

If I'm late, the kids sing, ♪ Ash, Ash, has a rash ♪
♪ shove his stupid head in mash ♪


It's so good to hear you're doing so well.

Come on. You, too, get up.

Massages and lunch at the savoy.

That all sounds very expensive.

It's a present.

From whom?



I'm sorry, dear, the phone's ringing. I have to get it.

I don't hear the...

Oh, it's so nice to try something on and actually buy it...

Instead of telling the salesman I've left my wallet at home and then crying in the toilet.

Once you have money, you really notice how revolting everyone who doesn't have it is.

Let's just make sure we don't get too out of control with the spending.

Yes, you're right.

So, shall we have some tea and caviar?


Oh, I do hope balthazar likes his Tiffany water bowl.

[Doorbell rings]

I'll go. It's probably the lobsters.

Oh. What do you two want?

Oh, yes, I am fine after my triple bypass.

Thank you so much for asking.

I thought that was next week.

It was last week.

Apparently I died for one minute on the table.

Well, you're alive now.

Is this the man you were telling me about, the one you said was a total [Bleep]?


I've added a little foie gras to the... oh, hello.


Is that the other [Bleep]?


We weren't expecting company.

I suppose that's because we didn't invite anybody over.

What's all that?

Oh it's just some tea and stale biscuits.

Good, I'm starving.

So am I.

Two waters and a menu when you get a chance, please.

[Doorbell rings]

Hello, darling.

I was just popping by to see if I could borrow something.


A sofa and a television.

It seems mine weren't completely paid for.

Hello, Violet, why don't you join us for tea?

That sounds lovely.

You know everyone at this place.

I feel there's something I've been meaning to ask you, Mason.

You mean how am I after my triple bypass?

No, that's not it.

What are all those shopping bags, Stuart?

Is that from burberry?

No. It said sainsbury.

Your eyes are going.

[Doorbell rings]

Maybe now is a good time for everyone to start gathering their things.

What the bloody hell happened to you?

I got into a bit of a scrape.

Some of those kids are real w*nk*r.

Are you all right?


Got one of them back big time, but now I need to find another job.

Apparently you're not allowed to hit 7-year-olds, even if they hit you first.

Did you get a menu yet?

Well, I should go upstairs and eat that half a banana I was saving.

Yes, off you go.

Ash, don't leave. We're all about to have tea.


No, no. Sometimes Stuart and I would like to be alone.

Did any of you ever think of that?


Freddie's right.

We're not here just to serve you people.

That's an awful attitude to have if you're running a restaurant.

Is that caviar on those biscuits, Stuart?

Since when can you afford caviar?

No, that's not caviar.

I, um... I sneezed.

It's snot.

Well, we don't want to keep you, Vi.

You probably want to get back home so you can sit on the floor and watch the wall.

Are those bottles of champagne over there?

Why? Do you want to use one to smash over the head of a toddler?

There are lots of expensive things here lately, darling.

[Doorbell rings]

I don't understand what both of you are saying.

We have told you already we do not have any money.

I've got two dozen lobsters for Stuart Bixby.


[Bleep], this is gonna cost a fortune!

We're going through this money very quickly.

Balthazar's hair implants might have been one expense too many.

The nice thing about Penelope thinking this was a restaurant was that she paid for her own lobster.

And she left me a good tip.

That makes me rather like her.

Freddie, I have a confession to make.

No, please, don't be angry.

I've put money into both Violet's and Ash's bank accounts.

You did what?

Well, I know we said we'd just spend it on ourselves, but they're family.

I only gave them half, though. We still have half left.

No, we don't.

What do you mean?

I did the same thing.

Oh, no!

So how much does that leave us with?

Minus £200.


So I suppose we're broke again.

You know what doesn't cost anything?


In one week?


We are newlyweds.

Freddie, the post here!

You've got lots of birthday cards!

God knows why.

Everybody always makes such a big deal out of my birthday.

You know, sometimes I wish I wasn't so beloved...

Like you.

I think you're really going to like my present this year.

Really? And what did you buy me with my money?

You always love my presents.

I'm always good at birthday presents, just as you are always good at being an arse [Bleep].



What's this? Hmm?

Happy Birthday, Freddie.

"With love from the cast and crew of 'Downton Abbey.'"

Oh, that was nice of them to remember you.

Well, of course they remember me.

I did appear in two episodes.

I was practically a series regular.

Are we really counting the second episode?

And why wouldn't we?

Well they only showed one of your arms.

Yes, but I was carrying oranges, and in the first episode, it was potatoes.

An observant viewer could deduce who was attached to that arm.

"Attached" is a pretty strong word, considering it comes out of its socket about 6 times a day.

Why do I expect you to understand what it's like being on television?

The most exciting thing you do each day is pick up dog crap.

[Doorbell rings]

Watch it, Freddie.

If it wasn't your birthday, I'd kick you so hard in the balls right now.

Hello, darling.

I just popped by to wish Freddie a Happy Birthday.


And to tell you my news.

Oooh, what news?

I'm a lesbian.

Well, you can't be any worse at it than being a heterosexual.

That was my thinking, too.

And I've already met the most fantastic woman on the tube.

Do you mind if I bring Carlotta round tonight for your party, Freddie?

Well, why not?

We don't have any other entertainment planned.

[Doorbell rings]

You wouldn't happen to know what it is that lesbians do, would you?

I don't.

Nor do I want to.


Hello, Ash!

Happy Birthday, Freddie!

Thank you, Ash.

Why are you dressed as a total slut?

It's for me new job. I'm a lifeguard. Heh!

Do I look okay?

I can't tell anymore, darling, since I'm a lesbian now.

See? Nothing.

When did you become a lesbian?

What time is it?

[Doorbell rings]

If you want to borrow anything, Vi, most of Stuart's clothes are appropriate for an aging lesbian.

Hello, Mason.

Hello, darling. I'm a lesbian.

Oh, splendid.

Have any of you seen Penelope? She seems to have disappeared.

No, we haven't seen her, but we'll call if we do.

Aren't you going to invite me in?

Yeah, it's really full in here already.


Looking pretty good, Ash.

Thanks a lot.

Really appreciate that.

All eyes are on you when you strut by that pool.

You own that pool.

You're right.

You're damn right I'm right!

You're a stud!

Can I have a cup of tea?



What are you doing here?!

I'm not sure, exactly.

I was out with Mason and then I was here.

Can I tell you a secret?


Sometimes I forget little things, but I'd be horrified if anybody ever noticed.

Yeah, don't worry. I don't think they have.

Well, that's because I usually do a pretty good job of covering it up.

So listen, Penelope, I'd really appreciate it if you kept what you heard just between us.

Of course, sweetheart.

You know I think you're a love.

Thank you.

But that bloke you were talking to sounded like a real tosser.

Let's see, what shall we do next?

How about a toast to Freddie?

Are there any other choices?

I'd like to make a toast.

What the hell is this going to be?

To our dear Freddie.

A wonderful actor and even better friend.

Happy Birthday.

Oh, that was normal.

Wait till you see my present!

Stuart always gives Freddie the most incredible gifts.

Do you know how much I love you, babe?


You better take care of my girl, or you'll have to answer to me. Heh heh!

I am a lifeguard, so...


Who is this little twerp?

Just someone I used to shag.

You know, I'm not sure how I feel about sharing you, Violet. Heh heh!


You stay away from her!

Thank you, darling.

He was getting rather aggressive.

Ash, get up, stop drawing attention to yourself.

Where's the hot stud now, eh?

Strutting round the pool, all eyes on you.

You should have heard him going on before.

You'd think the sun shone out of his arse.

It was sickening.

I'll go get your present now.

Ash, would you pass me that large card over there?

That hurt.

Oh, it's from the cast and crew of "Downton Abbey"!

I was just about to tell you not to read it.

Now everybody knows. I am completely mortified.

They sent you a card for being on the show once?

I was on the show twice.

I was practically a series regular.

Oh, yes, the oranges.

How could I forget?

Didn't your arm get nominated for a BAFTA?

Don't be such a dick.

Here it is!

Happy Birthday, Freddie!

Oh, it's a photo album.

Oh, not any photo album.

Each page is a photo of every birthday of yours that we spent together.

Oh, I see.

So if I flip through this really fast, I can age 50 years in 3 seconds.

How charming.

Oh, Stuart, what a thoughtful present.

We should do something like that, babe.

Well, we've only known each other two hours, but all right, darling.

The last page is blank.

Yeah, well, that's for today.

I want to get a picture of all of us together to put there.

You swear you'll never leave me.

Scout's honor, darling.

Would you mind terribly popping out and getting me some ciggies?

I'm on it, babe.


You stay away from her, or I'll rip your tiny arms off!

Okay, okay.

[Laughing] Like I'm scared of her.

Is she still there?

Not such a big man without your mirror, are you?

Well, I think it's finally over with Carlotta.

I tried, but something's missing.

A penis?

I think she has one of those.

At least you gave it a good go.

Come on, let's all gather round for a photo.

Mason, why don't you take the picture?

But if I take the picture, then I won't be in it.

That's okay.

Yep, yep.

[Shutter clicks]

You all look like [Bleep].

Well, what do you think of my present?

It's very nice.

On a scale of 1 to 10?

Oh, I don't know.

If you had to pick.

But I don't have to pick.

Oh, I don't like where this is heading.

I do.

Come on, pick!

3, 4, somewhere in there.


Ash, watch your drink.

It's very close to my "downton abbey" birthday card.

Maggie Smith picked that out for me... probably.

I spent months on that present.

All you can do is talk about that stupid card!

I don't understand. You always love my presents.

No, you always love your presents.

Then why have you always acted like you did?

Oh, I don't know.

I suppose because I can see how much it means to you.

I think that could be the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.

Ugh! Two men kissing. It's unnatural.

But, Mason...


Aren't you gay?

Yes. What's your point?


Should we have cake now?


I hope someone started lighting the candles yesterday.

That was nasty.

Sorry. I'm not having a great day.
[Doorbell rings]

Nobody answer that.

[Ringing continues]

I've got your smokes, babe!


How long are we going to stay like this?

As long as we have to.

[Pounding on door]

Well, that was a wonderful evening.

Thank you for a lovely birthday, Stuart.

And Vi?


Why are you still here?

I'm giving Carlotta the evening to move her things out.

She was living with you?

Lesbians move quickly, darling.

Well, I'm going to turn in.

Night, all.

Good night, Balthazar.

Oh, and Stuart, would you take my card to be framed tomorrow?

I want to hang it where I can see it every day.

Of course.

Well... I guess it turns out you don't get Freddie the perfect gift after all.

Oh, yes, I do.

I sent him that card.

I was thinking of getting a face-lift.

What do you think, Vi?

That's not my cup of tea.

Well, excuse me for wanting to improve myself.

If anybody's going to get a face-lift around here, it should be you.

I meant that's not my cup of tea. That is.


You look great, by the way.

Oh, I'm worried about Balthazar.

He just sneezed, and 3 teeth fell out.

Oh, that's perfectly normal.

I did the same thing yesterday.

Do you know, boys, I was considering taking a trip to Italy.

What do you think?

Oh, now is not a good time, Violet.

We've got so much coming up.

Like what?

Well, I... I can't think of anything at the moment, but we might need you for something.

[Doorbell rings]

Well, thanks for asking, Vi, but we'd prefer you to stay in town.

We'll check our diary and get back to you.

Oh, all right.


Hello, Ash.

Hello, Ash!

I've got some really big news!

Oh, come in, sit down.

Here, can I get you a drink?

We have water or tea.

Actually, only tea. The tap's just broken.

That's empty.

We have nothing.

I'm good, thanks.

So what's your news, darling?

I'm going to university!

Oh, that is fantastic!

Congratulations, Ash!

I was wondering when you were going to do something with your life.

I didn't want you to end up like...


Please tell me you're having a stroke.

I could even help you with your homework, darling.

I've always been very good at maths.

That's the one with all the numbers, right?

Actually, I won't be going to uni nearby.

What do you mean?

Well, you remember how both my parents are in prison?

Yeah, we remember.

That is something that tends to stick with you.

Well, I applied for a grant in the states and I got it!

Apparently I qualify as a special needs case because both my parents are incarcerated for violent crimes.

Isn't that great?

The States? The United States?

That place over there?


But it's filled with Americans.

I dated one once.

They can be quite peculiar.

They actually have sex sober.

I applied ages ago.

I didn't even think I was going to get it, but luckily, both my parents are serving sentences for manslaughter, so that helped a lot.

So where's the university, darling?

It's in New York.

New York?

Well, now, I forget.

Is that supposed to have the best of the Americans or the worst?

I think both.

And the grant is for all 4 years!

4 years?!

Oh, I see.

If that's what you want to do...

Yes, it's your decision.

It's nothing to do with us.

I... I mean, I'm not definitely taking it yet.

Oh, so it's not definite, then?

Well, no, I guess...

You do whatever you want. It's really none of our business.

We actually are pretty busy today, so, uh...

Oh, okay, um...

I should go anyway.

Congratulations again, Ash.

Thanks, Violet.

[Door closes]

You don't suppose he's ever given his parents our address, do you?

If he has, we're as good as d*ad.

Mum, sorry I can't hear you. There's a lot of screaming in the background.

Is there a prison riot going on?

Oh, somebody's brought in some free chicken from KFC?

No, no, no, you go.


[Knock on door]

Yeah, I'll talk to you next month.

Ahem. Violet.

Hello, darling.

Come in, sit. Can I get you a drink?

Oh, only if you're having one, otherwise nothing for me.

I'm not.

Oh, I still want one. I'll have one, too.

Darling, there's something I want to talk to you about.

This is about New York, isn't it?


Why is the bottle all the way over there?

Don't worry.

I've decided I'm not going.

What do you mean?

Well, I saw how...

Both bottles, no?

I saw how Freddie and Stuart reacted when they found out how far away I was going to be, and I... I realized I couldn't leave them.

Oh, Ash.

I want to be there for them, Violet.

Besides, it was stupid to think that I could make a life for meself in New York.

No, it wasn't.

But I thought you wanted to talk to me to get me to stay.

Quite the opposite.

I'm here to make sure you go.

I don't understand.

Listen, darling, don't you know how special you are?


Nobody's ever said that I was special before.

Oh, but you are, Ash.

That's why we all love you so much.

That's why Freddie and Stuart don't want you to leave.

They want to keep the things they love the most closest to them.

That's why I've never moved further than a few streets away...

In over 50 years.

And I don't want you to end up like that.

Maybe I don't want to go.

Maybe I want to stay here with all of you.

No, you can't stay with us.

You have your whole life waiting for you.

Ooh, you're gonna be something so marvelous, Ash.

Promise me you'll go.

You must promise me.


Good. Very good.

Now, shall we get blind drunk?

I'd like that.

Let's see...

I've packed him extra socks, um, a thick jumper because it gets cold over there, and I baked him his favorite biscuits for the plane.


This way he can use them as w*apon if he gets mugged.

Did you hide the extra cash in there for him, Stuart?

Uh, y-yes, I did.

And the scarf I knitted?

You only gave me a ball of wool.

I kept meaning to get round to it.

I don't know why you're both dithering about like 2 monkeys on crack.

Ash is moving. I mean, it's not that big a deal.

Oh, Freddie...

[Doorbell rings]

That's him.

Freddie, you know it's all right to...

Vi, please.


Hello, Ash.

Hi, Freddie.


All set, darling?

I think so.

Come, sit. Have some tea.

I don't think I've got time.

My flight leaves in a few hours.


Well, we've, uh, packed you a small bag with some of the things we thought you might need.

Didn't we, Freddie?

You didn't have to do that.

And I knitted you a scarf.

Ooh, let me take a look at it.

Oh, look at it in New York.


I guess this is good-bye.

Violet, I don't know what...

Oh, come now. We're gonna see each other all the time.


I'll go to America. You'll come visit.

It'll be just like always.


So it's not really good-bye at all, is it?

No, I guess not.

'Course not.



Have you got your passport?

And your tickets?

And papers for the university?

And your... and...

Yes, I've got everything.

Thank you, Stuart.


Best of luck, Ash.



[Sniffs] Okay.

Well, I guess this is it.

I'll see you soon, darling.

It'll be like you never left.


Like I never left.


[Stuart sniffling]

What now?

I don't know about you two, but I've decided to go to Italy.


Well, I'm glad.

Well, now that that's all over, shall we...



[Stuart in high voice] Freddie, tea!

How is it your voice is getting higher-pitched?

Soon only dogs will be able to hear it.

I see you took your [Bleep] bitch pills before going to sleep.

I'm sorry.

This Christmas radio drama I'm recording today with dame Eileen Atkins has got my nerves a bit frayed.

And she has done so many extraordinary things...

None of which I can think of at the moment, um...

Well, of course you're nervous.

You did get the part at the very last minute.

I found out from my agent that was because I wasn't their first choice.

You were their second choice?



[Doorbell rings]

I didn't even think there were 35 actors of your age still alive.

There aren't. Most of them turned it down because they're d*ad.

Hello, darling!

I've been out Christmas shopping all day.

Oh! And who are all the presents for?


Hello, Vi. You look...

Hello, Vi.

So, darling, a radio drama with Eileen Atkins for Christmas.

How thrilling. What's the role?

An old man who has never made much of his life.

I didn't have to look far for inspiration.

He was their 36th choice!

[Doorbell rings]

So who's Eileen Atkins playing?

I don't know. I've just read my part.


Hello. Can I help you?

I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Oliver.

I'm renting the flat upstairs.

I'm Stuart, this is my husband Freddie, and this is our friend Violet.

Hello, darling.

Would you...

Oh. Well, it was a pleasure meeting you.

Thanks for dropping by, Oliver.

Ooh, he seemed nice.


I should be off.

Don't want to keep the dame waiting.

You know, I'm going to take my "Downton Abbey" birthday card to show her.

Let her know that I'm somebody, too.

Sometimes he breaks my heart.

My, you certainly love your rocking chair, Rosemary.

[Rocking chair creaking]

I do, Albert, almost as much as our cat.

[Cat meowing]

Rosemary, a car is pulling up!

[Car approaching]

I can't tell who it is, Rosemary.


Can it be?

Is it?

[Glass breaks]

I got so emotional, I knocked the vase that was on this table over.

That's what that sound was.

I'm going to open the door and see who it is.

[Door creaking]

Oh, Albert!

It's Lucas, our son, whom we haven't seen in years.

Lucas! Give your mother a kiss!

I'm so happy, Albert.

Listen, do you hear the church bells?

[Bells chiming]

And they're playing "Our son comes home for Christmas."

It was all rather convincing, as if we were there in the room with you...

Whether we wanted to be or not.

Yes, well done.

Now I'm about to cough. [Coughs]

That was the sound you just heard.

I must need glasses because I couldn't see a thing, but it...

It sounded lovely.

I must check on dinner.

Oh, just so you all know, we had lots of yogurt that expires tomorrow, so that's going to be featured heavily.

Everything here is terrible.

There you go!

Merry Christmas, Balthazar.

Need any help, darling?

Oh, that would be terrific.

Uh, what is it you like to do?



Oh, that is adorable.

Are you certain he's still alive?

Not 100%.

I thought I told you never to leave me alone with my brother and that loony.

Sorry you're divorced and have nobody this Christmas, Vi.

Well, I have both of you.

And it's kind of like the three of us are married anyway.

No, it's not.



Is it Christmas?


I remember because my son called me.

How lovely.

Yes, he always calls me on Christmas Eve.

My memory hasn't been... Well, you know.

Can I tell you something?

Certainly you can.

I'm frightened.

I'm here, my dear.

Don't worry.

Thank you.

Well, Stuart has almost finished m*rder dinner.

And what have you two been talking about?

About what a marvelous time we've been having.


Are you all right, Penelope?

I'm wonderful, Violet. I've always loved Christmas.

So have I.

Mason, do you remember when our mother used to sing Carols to us?

Of course.

She had a beautiful voice.

Oh, yes.

And then she b*at us.

She was a monster.

I really hope everybody likes yogurt.

[Doorbell rings]

Who can that be?

Well, if it's someone collecting for charity, politely tell them to piss off.


Oh, hello, Oliver.

I just stopped by to wish you both a merry Christmas.

Please, come in.

If you're sure it's all right.

Of course.

Uh, you know Freddie.

And this is Penelope and Mason.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hmm, hello.

And you remember our friend Violet.

Hello, darling.


Well, join us.

Yes, sit.

Your hand's on my thigh.

Is it?

Can I get you a drink?

I'm okay, thanks.


Oh, sorry.

I don't mean to stare, but...

Are you Freddie Thornhill from "Doctor Who"?

Guilty as charged, Oliver.

Here I am, just spending a quiet Christmas with my family, and well, I guess I've been discovered.

By the one person who's ever recognized him.

I am a massive fan, but you must get that all the time.

I do.

But how kind of you to say.

So, you must tell us all about yourself, Oliver.

We want to know everything.

Merry Christmas, Freddie.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Balthazar.


Stuart, stop snoring.

That's not me.

Sorry, darlings.

Geez, I'd forgotten she was here.

See? It is a little like we're all married.

You have to stop saying that.



Will you hold me?

I'm so happy.
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